new mexico
DAILYLIBEL
Burn book discovered see Page 3
Faking it worse than your girlfriend since 1895
by Cranston “One Beer” Raddison news@dailylibel.com
“I can’t believe we’re still running this shit!” yelled Editor-inChief Elizabeth Cleary as she flung her own feces at the staff photographer and around the table during the weekly pub board
meeting. “Can we get ONE good piece of journalism that isn’t riddled with bad spelling?” She cited CNM’s intrepid sex edition as an example of good journalism pushing the limits. “It inspired the best issue we ever ran — huge black X’s on every page!” she announced as a piece of shit hit the poor unsuspecting janitor
as he walked by the half-opened doorway. “I love working here!” said the janitor. By now, Cleary was on a rampage. “I’ll keep throwing my own shit until President Bob Frank shuts us down!” Cleary screamed, inspired by all the attention awarded CNM
MONDAY APRIL 1, 2013
The shit storm’s a-brewin’
by the news stations and the blogs and the word-of-mouth. “The Daily Libel will live in infamy!” Despite the horrifying display, Libel staff members unanimously agreed that their editor’s daily walks sure are paying off. “My thighs look really great in this photo!” said Cleary, who is single.
Wan LaBrush aka Uncle Jessie / Daily Libel Left to right, cronies one through four, Editor-in-Chief Elizabeth Cleary, and henchmen five through eight. A media shit storm ensued after Cleary published a paper full of goddamn X’s, ads and her opinion. “Can you believe this shit? It’s all over the place!” Cleary asked the room of stunned and disgusted pub board members.
Philosophy student plagued by thoughts Think long on Nietzsche and he’ll eat your brain by Cat Zebra
news@dailylibel.com Senior philosophy student Edward Chavez said he can’t stop thinking. He chose his major thinking he’d find absolute truth, but now he just doesn’t know anymore. “All I know is that I don’t know,” Chavez said. “It’s possible I don’t even exist, according to Peter Unger’s article published in ‘Perception and Identity,’ which uses the paradox of the heap from mereological nihilism to disprove the existence of composite objects. If I don’t exist, does it even matter if I do my homework?” But then again, he could be a brain in a jar, experiencing external stimuli that only make him think he’s walking around
Inside the
Daily Libel volume 117
issue 128
interacting with other people, like in the Matrix. “I mean, I could use my time feeding the starving children of Africa, but according to Zeno’s paradoxes, it is impossible for us to ever move, because to get somewhere, you must first travel through infinite units of infinity that are forever breaking up into new infinite units of new infinities,” he said. “How would I ever get to Africa in time?” When we asked him for his unique thoughts on how he came to be the person he is today, he made sure to quote at least 20 sources before forming his own opinion. “According to Saul Kripke, there are many possible worlds where statements in modal logic may be necessary or merely possible, depending on the world,” Chavez said. “However, David Lewis said that such worlds really exist, and that all choices branch out from
each other and actually happen. I like to think that other version of me have made better decisions than this me. There are so many outcomes all happening at once. Objects actually exist in the noumenal realm, but we can never truly experience it. Our perceptions color how we see and experience things, so we can never truly experience these objects.”
“We never really know what he’s talking about.” ~They friends of Chavez In times of loneliness and existential frustration, Chavez said his friends are his greatest supporters. “We never really know what he’s
talking about,” they said, “but he’s funny when he’s in a good mood and his haircut is pretty fly.” When asked what he likes to do in his spare time outside class, he almost started explaining his penchant for Italian cooking when he was suddenly gripped by cold, hard reality. “We are trapped, trapped forever in the phenomenal realm!” Chavez said, somewhat hysterical. “But it means I can ignore the fact that my car got sideswiped because it’s really just fine, it’s just my perception that makes me think it’s all smashed.” Editor’s note: Shortly before the end of this interview, Chavez had a breakdown when discussing the concept of infinite regress, in which no knowledge can ever be truly justified as genuine since its justification rests on other additionally unjustifiable claims. Of course, we can’t even be sure that infinite regress exists, either.
This issue is entirely fake, except for the Back Page. Steve Alford really is leaving. The Daily Lobo will be publishing black X’s in place of content until he agrees to stay. JK, that last part was a joke also.
TODAY
bright |windy
PAGE TOO
NEW MEXICO DAILY LOBO
M O N D A Y, A P R I L 1 , 2 0 1 3
UNM Confessions I took a steamy poo on President Frank’s forehead when he dozed off at a Regent’s meeting… #YOLO
I tried to strangle my football assistant coach and then I got a million dollar raise. I <3 Krebs.
My boyfriend cheated on me and then I got his face painted on my nails and then I spit on his toothbrush becuz he didn’t like it and now I think about him all the time but don’t know what to do and I’m still in love and it sux
I started the first college sex ring in the country, where whores are transported directly to my office from a tunnel under the Duck Pond. All UNM found were some sex toys, little do they know that I’ve fucked the turtles in the Duck Pond … plus a few people too. They’re probably still down there.
I was worshipped by the entire city of Albuquerque for years then decided fuck y’all I’m going to L.A.!!!!!
UNM CRIME BEEFS
Goddamn hipsters
Goddamn bike crime
Goddamn weather
A group of individuals, who reportedly “appeared to be hipsters of some kind,” beat the hell out of tight-rope walkers on Friday. According to the report, the hipsters took issue with the fact that the walkers tie rope between trees rather than poles. One hipster pointed to bits of bark on the ground and said, “How would you like it if someone rubbed your skin off for sport? We are all beings, plants and animals alike.” A walker replied that tight-rope walking is not a sport, and the situation reportedly became tenser than the offending tight rope. Two hipsters were arrested for battery after they reportedly cut off their own dreadlocks and lashed the walkers with these DIY whips.
For the first time in UNM history, not a single bicycle was stolen. According to UNMPD, students were paid to leave Albuquerque for all of spring break to lower the local crime rate. “The number of bikes stolen each year outnumbers the graduates UNM churns out,” said UNMPD public gossip Grace Trek. “The damage done to our reputation was coming close to irreparable.” The report did not state where funds to pay the students came from, but showed each student was given a brown bag lunch with a bus ticket and sent on their merry way.
UNM students, faculty and staff are finally uniting to resolve the issue of daily assaults by our natural habitat. According to The Associated Press, this is the first time in history a group has taken legal action against such forces of nature as brutal March winds and the spikes in pollen count. The case went to the New Mexico Supreme Court on Wednesday, and without much ado the judges ruled in favor of the public. As a result, myriad reports were filed against Mother Nature this week. “It’s truly a blessing for everyone at UNM, as the suffering never ends so the reparations keep on coming,” said city attorney Higglety Pigglety.
volume 117
issue 128
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The New Mexico Daily Lobo is an independent student newspaper published daily except Saturday, Sunday and school holidays during the fall and spring semesters and weekly during the summer session. Subscription rate is $75 per academic year. E-mail accounting@dailylobo.com for more information on subscriptions. The New Mexico Daily Lobo is published by the Board of UNM Student Publications. The editorial opinions expressed in the New Mexico Daily Lobo are those of the respective writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of the students, faculty, staff and regents of the University of New Mexico. Inquiries concerning editorial content should be made to the editor-in-chief. All content appearing in the New Mexico Daily Lobo and the Web site dailylobo.com may not be reproduced without the consent of the editor-in-chief. A single copy of the New Mexico Daily Lobo is free from newsstands. Unauthorized removal of multiple copies is considered theft and may be prosecuted. Letter submission policy: The opinions expressed are those of the authors alone. Letters and guest columns must be concisely written, signed by the author and include address and telephone. No names will be withheld.
ASUNM Candidate Endorsement Forum Wednesday, April 3rd From 10:00am-1:00pm SUB-Atrium
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NEW MEXICO DAILY LIBEL
Burn book ‘so fetch,’ says nobody by Josh “Too gay to function” Dolin news@dailylibel.com
A burn book was discovered in Scholes Hall last week by the UNM administration, which is now investigating the claims made in it. Copies of the book were later distributed across campus, which caused outrage and animal-world behavior. One librarian in Zimmerman Library was quoted saying, “They’ve gone wild. The girls have gone wild.” The burn book is a collection of pictures of UNM faculty, staff, and students with comments written next to them. Some of the victims included ex-basketball coach Steve Alford who was described as “the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met,” and UNM President Bob Frank who was described simply as a “fat whore.” The authors of this book are still unknown and an investigation is underway. The main suspects are members of the Board of Regents. When reached for a comment Student Regent Heidi Overton said she could not speak without a parent or lawyer present. Jack Fortner, president of the
Board of Regents, found the book in the bathroom and was called a “fugly slut,” inside. Fortner said, “Why would someone write that? It’s just so mean.” ASUNM President Caroline Muraida was also questioned regarding the burn book because she was one of the only students not in it. At first she thought it was funny, and then defended herself by saying, “Maybe I’m not in that book because everyone likes me. And I don’t want to be punished for being well liked. And I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.” Later that day, photocopies of the book’s pages were distributed throughout campus. Some were even chalked onto walls, which is illegal. It is still unclear if the information in his book is gossip or has truth behind it. Junior Amanda Jalbert was alarmed to see what the book said about her. “Made out with a hot dog? That was one time!” UNM administrators held an emergency meeting to discuss what actions would be taken as a result of the book. One plan was to cancel the ASUNM elections, but then they remembered that they already paid for the DJ and realized that no one actually
U
cares about the Senate, so that idea was scratched. An “attitude makeover,” has been scheduled so that the UNM administration can change the way it relates to students and students relate to one another. UNM Director of Communications Dianne Anderson, who scheduled the makeover, said, “I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all semester.” University guidelines stipulate that the University doesn’t have a legal right to do that so instead they held a session where administrators, regents, and affected students discussed their problems with one another. When asked if anyone had ever felt personally victimized by the Board of Regents, most in attendance raised their hands. There was some progress made with this therapy, however. One student said, “I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school.” The Daily Libel later discovered that this student is from NMSU and doesn’t even go here. The burn book has been destroyed and Student Health and Counseling is offering therapy to those who were affected by it.
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013/ PAGE 3 Experience the Flavor of New Mexico
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TEST SUBJECTS NEEDED!!! Help local start-up improve its fingerprint sensors! We pay $10 CASH for 30 minutes to participants aged 18+ Study starts Monday, April 1st at Lumidigm office across from the CNM Main Campus Sign up at lumidigm.com/study
The Wesley Foundation will make a Mission Trip May 11-17, to help with reconstruction through the Epworth Project.
New Orleans is still very much in need of lots of reconstruction, and we hope you want to help.
n M
The cost is $275 a person (including food), though if you need financial help it can be given.
Please register by April 19 by calling 323-1251. Call 323-1251 for more info. Joshua Dolin / Daily Libel An artist’s recreation of what the UNM burn book could potentially look like.
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of equal or lesser value Redeemable only at McDonalds located at Hanover, University, Bosque Farms, Quail, Los Lunas, Bridge, Belen, Rio Bravo, Rio Grande, Wal-Mart (Los Lunas), Moriarity, Edgewood. Expires 4/30/13
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Thank you very much. We are excitedly looking forward to this trip to help those in need.
Hobopinion
On March 25, children from nearby Monte Vista Elementary School declared an occupation of the UNM Duck Pond, stating they were the only ones not too busy to appreciate its splendor (See “Hippie wombs still pumping out flower children,” published in the Daily Libel on March 26). What do you think about this? These kids have clearly been sucked into the Marxist, leftist, libertarian, fruitarian, trustafar- 1% ian ideology brought back into fashion by the Occupy Movement. I’m happy to see kids these days are so in touch with their spiritual side and prefer to bond with nature more than be brainwashed by technology 99% and Republicans. Kids would rather stare at ducks than go to school? I think that says a lot about how poorly 110% our teachers are doing at their jobs. How did they cross the street without a long rope to keep them all together? My goodness, -3% parents are really teaching kids how to be independent these days. Out of like, four responses
THIS WEEK’S POLL:
On April 1, the Daily Libel printed its April Fools’ Day issue. What do you think about this? Way to give away the surprise! Oh wait, is that today’s issue? Wow, egg on my face. I thought this was legitimate news. Considering the far-slanted news the Daily Libel typically publishes, I wasn’t fooled. Then I realized there weren’t typos and new it had to be a joke. This paper had more color ink than usual, which makes for a smooth touch when I’m blowing my nose. Thanks for finally thinking of your readers.
GO TO DAILYLOBO.COM TO VOTE
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DORIC
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We at the Daily Libel would like to begin by apologizing to our loyal readers who have put up with us for so long. Our sorry attempts at “revealing the truth” and sticking to “objective journalistic values” are blights on the face of this school and an insult to the intelligence of our readers. Here is the last bit of “news” we will be reporting: On the eve of its 4,124th birthday, journalism died after media conglomerate Bombast® ate it. Journalists all over are crying bitter tears as they re-work their résumés to suit a public relations employer. As we’re always trying to be progressive, we at the Daily Libel are celebrating this news, or death thereof, as it gives us the chance to cut the crap and show the public who we really are. Of course, our readers have been hot on the case from the very beginning, encouraging us to just come out of the shadows as the leftist rag we truly are. And, honestly, objective writing is just
too difficult. We slave away slinging blatant bullshit and finding quotes we can take out of context so they fit our agenda, but for real, who’s buying it? The death of journalism is our official green light to write blatant lies and propaganda without hiding behind the shield of “professionalism.” We are taking this opportunity to reveal everything we’ve been up to so we can start with the cleanest slate upon which we’ll sling the dirtiest mud a desert has to offer. These are our confessions: The UNM administration is actually a family of marionettes we created to make us look better by comparison. There are a handful of repeat offenders on our comment boards who suspiciously have nothing else to do but troll our website and write blocky essays that make little sense. Instead of editing her reporters’ tall tales, Editor-in-Chief Lizard “Lame Duck” Fleary spends her days writing nonsense
LMNOP
on behalf of these phony users. Again, compared to this flimflam, our sham stories become more-or-less convincing. There is no Dan Cathy of Chick-fil-A. In fact, the Daily Libel owns the Chick-fil-A in the SUB. We used revenue from the restaurant to pay other news outlets to report about how the restaurant is offensive to the LGBTQ community. This in turn generated opinion and “news” content for our paper (we were running out of ideas) and brought more students to the restaurant to show their support. Although we claim to receive no opinion content from right-leaning individuals, we actually have quite a stack built up which we use for rolling papers on a daily basis. We also have a nice cache of Republicans locked in the secret tunnel beneath UNM, waiting to be baked upon the pyre of their offensive letters that dare to disagree with our agenda.
Nix text except X’ s
You have my money; now you want my time?
His love for me is clear in my night vision goggles
Editor,
Editor,
Editor,
There is a foul discharge coming from my brain and I think it started a week after I began reading the Daily Libel. Except, I liked your edition with the all-black X’s.
I don’t get why I have to go to class. Mandatory attendance policy = Nazi bullshit. I mean, I’m already paying for the class, why should I get punished for not showing up? My tuition payments fund my professors’ salaries. Seriously, why should I HAVE to go to class if I’m the one paying for it?
I have a crush on my professor and I think he likes me too, except the only thing is he is married, doesn’t pay me that much attention, always seems to be in a rush to get me out of his office whenever I visit, has blocked my number from his cell phone, got a restraining order and had me transferred to a different math class. How can I get him to open up about his real feelings?
Betty Barnyard Astronomy
Ben Bennington Undecided major
Elizabeth Swanberg Communication and Journalism
news
New Mexico Daily Libel
Monday, April 1, 2013/ Page 5
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Protesters don’t know and they don’t care.
A bunch of jerks and no-gooders stood around being apathetic and protested absolute fuck all. “Ask me how much I give a damn,” said Grumplestiltskin. Wan LaBrush aka Uncle Jessie / Daily Libel
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20th Annual César Chávez Day! Saturday, April 6, 2013 10:30AM - March begins (& ends) at National Hispanic Cultural Center (4th St. & Bridge Blvd. SW)
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Miss indian World Pageant Thursday, April 25 7:00 p.m.
HARD ROCK Hotel and Casino Albuquerque Tickets on line-www.gatheringofnations.com
NEWS
PAGE 6 / MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013
NEW MEXICO DAILY LIBEL
My heart breaks badly for you
Looking
“To the beau whose eyes are as blue as the meth he cooks, I want to be your bitch, bitch.”
for a
Hob
Re:RE:Re:RE:Help “Looking for someone willing to help transfer funds from my newly inherited kingdom. Only need a small donation of $20,000.”
Pixie dust
Target is elusive
“5’, 9”; 130 pounds; short, brown hair. May have been heard “To the students who work at the Disney table every week in ears gloves. Can I be your RED PANTONE 200If seen, direct to MADEIRA RA 2263I love your mouse • University sealand permitted on products for resale: mentioning hitting his girlfriend. Central1147 the SUB. SILVER PANTONE 428 MADEIRA 1011 RA 2482 • Alterations to seal permitted: Mickey?” between Third and Fourth. DenyPROCESS having seen him.” SILVER ALTERNATE PANTONE BLACK - 23% • Overlaying / intersecting graphics permitted with seal: BLACK WHITE BLUE-GREEN GRAY LIGHT GRAY
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• University licenses consumables: • University licenses health & beauty products: • University permits numbers on products for resale: • Mascot caricatures permitted: • Cross licensing with other marks permitted: • NO USE of current player's name, image, or likeness is permitted on commercial product regulations. howling for the hunkiest lobo. He should ideally have • NO REFERENCES to alcohol, drugs, or tobacco related products may be used in conjun
Mr. UNM
“To whoever planted the trees on campus that smell like “I am RED SILVER BLACK BLUE-GREEN GRAY semen in the springtime: Thank you for making UNM smell coach Alford’s faithfulness, President Bob Frank’s NOTE: The marks of The University of New Mexico are controlled under a licensing program administered by The Collegiate Licensing Company. Any use of these marks will require written approval from The like male reproductive fluid. We all appreciate it.” eloquence and Louie Lobo’s thick luscious hair.”
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PAGE 8 / MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013
CULTURE
NEW MEXICO DAILY LIBEL
Canvas is blank as his mind
Congratulate last weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s
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The Spaniard / Daily Libel Vincent van Blow, a super-duper senior in UNMâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fine art program, has gone five years without touching his canvass. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The solutions of the conceptual and the ethereal are management of the human condition and negotiations of the vertical, horizontal and infinite,â&#x20AC;? van Blow said of his horse-shitted â&#x20AC;&#x153;work,â&#x20AC;? which he has yet to produce.
by Helen of Troy
culture@dailylibel.com One UNM student has been sitting in front of a stretch-cotton canvas for five years without making a single mark, but he insists he will graduate soon. Super-duper senior Vincent van Blow has reportedly picked up a paintbrush while in front of his hand-stretched canvas, but
has yet to begin his work. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?â&#x20AC;? van Blow said, quoting Paul Gauguin as he furiously mashed the primary colors together on his palette in the Center for Fine Arts on Friday. Van Blowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s senior adviser said that at this point, van Blow just needs to â&#x20AC;&#x153;fucking draw somethingâ&#x20AC;? to graduate.
â&#x20AC;&#x153;He could throw feces at the canvas, draw a stick man or just fold it into a cool shape, as long as he writes an artist statement,â&#x20AC;? the adviser said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Our standards are pretty rigorous, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sure van Blow can rise to the challenge.â&#x20AC;? Van Blow was last seen licking the canvas to get at the â&#x20AC;&#x153;true essence of the motif of nothingness.â&#x20AC;?
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culture
New Mexico Daily Libel
Monday, April 1, 2013/ Page 9
New York gallery vies for mediocre sculptor Student molds promising future out of essentially nothing by Helen Storey
culture@dailylibel.com Upon receiving the résumé of UNM sculpture student Fernanda Montoya, an art gallery in New York immediately contacted her to offer her a position Thursday.
“A BFA in sculpture? I mean, how wonderful is that?” the gallery owner said in a phone interview Thursday. “I’m sure every gallery is fighting over her, but I hope she recognizes our interdisciplinary and multi-ethnic approach to the visual world.” Noting Montoya’s knowledge not only of Photoshop, but also
her proficiency with Facebook and Kickstarter, the gallery owner said he couldn’t believe such a candidate just landed on his doorstep. “She even files paperwork for her on-campus art museum,” the owner said with amazement. “A candidate of such matchless caliber only appears once a lifetime.”
Montoya was reportedly too swamped with job offers to return calls to the Daily Libel, but the offers were confirmed by her best friend Priscilla. “When Fernie first told me she was majoring in sculpture, I kicked myself for not thinking of it first,” Priscilla said. “But obviously she’s
earned it in those once-weekly studio classes, so I’m happy for her.” Priscilla said she hasn’t yet received any job offers regarding her nuclear engineering major and business management minor, but she’s still hopeful that people haven’t dismissed her degree as worthless.
In other news...
A local yahoo stood at the Yale bus stop on UNM campus and gave exactly two fucks about much of everything in his path. Garth Cocknose Daily Libel
Garth Cocknose / Daily Libel The 66 bus came at 3:15 p.m. just like it does every day but Joe Everyman missed it by five seconds. “Seriously? Now I have to wait for the next one?” griped Everyman. #firstworldproblems #dafuq
The University of New MexicoStudent Publications Board is now accepting applications for
UNM’s Student Artand Literature Magazine Conceptions Southwest 2013-2014 Editor This position requires approximately 10 hours per week and entails supervision of a volunteer staff. Applications are available in Marron Hall Rm. 107 from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday, or download an application at: pubboard.unm. edu/conception-southwest/ Application Deadline: 1 p.m. Friday, April 5, 2013 Term of Office: Mid-May 2013 through Mid-May 2014 Requirements: To be selected editor of Conceptions Southwest you must: Have completed at least 18 hours of credit at UNM or have been enrolled as a full time student at UNM the preceding semester and have a cumulative grade point average of at least 2.5 by the end of the preceding semester. The editor must be enrolled as a UNM student throughout the term of office and be a UNM student for the full term. Some publication experience preferable. For more information call 277-5656.
The University of New Mexico Student Publications Board is now accepting applications for
Best Student Essays 2013-2014 Editor This position requires approximately 10 hours per week and entails supervision of a volunteer staff. Applications are available in Marron Hall Rm. 107 from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday, or download an application at: pubboard.unm.edu/best-student-essays/ Application Deadline: 1 p.m. Friday, April 5, 2013.
Spring 2013 Election Constitutional Amendments Amendment 1 Should the ASUNM Constitution be amended to clarify the beginning and end of the term of office for student court justices and define the length of each term to be one year. __Yes __NO Amendment 2 Should the ASUNM Constitution be amended to increase the ASUNM student fee to $27.60 and to adjust the fee annually based on the Consumer Price Index? __Yes __NO
Term Of Office: Mid-May 2013 through Mid May 2014 Requirements: To be selected editor of Best Student Essays you must: Have completed at least 18 hours of credit at UNM or have been enrolled as a full time student at UNM the preceding semester and have a cumulative grade point average of at least 2.5 by the end of the preceding semester. The editor must be enrolled as a UNM student throughout the term of office and be a UNM student for the full term. Some publication experience preferable. For more information call 277-5656.
Please remember to vote on Absentee Voting on Thursday April 4th from 10:00am-4:00pm & Election Day on April 10th from 9:00am-7:00pm
lobo features
Page 10 / Monday, April 1, 2013
Fate is kind
I don’t know how much more of a joke astrology could possibly be. Under the guise of pseudoscience, astrologers everywhere are doling out ill-conceived advice that people lap up like drinks at an awkward party. I would hate to disappoint our fine readers who Windex their magnifying glasses every Monday to read the gross generalizations about what their lives will be like, so despite it being an April Fools’ Day issue, I’m going to give you some real words of wisdom.
Capricorn—You can’t live vicariously through Pinterest. Aquar ius—No matter how old you
New Mexico Daily Libel
Weekly Horoscopes by Alexandra Schlongberg aswanny@unm.edu
are, it’s slightly awkward to be walking toward a stranger and not know where to look. Pisces— Although finding money seems like good karma coming your way, it’s technically larceny if you keep it. Aries—Nobody is special just because they can understand this: I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Taurus—Get your head out of your ass, you’ll contract pink eye. Gemini—Chocolate is only a healthy indulgence if it’s more than 70 percent cacao. Put the Hershey’s and Dove bars back.
C a n c e r —Y o u only live once: buckle up and ignore your phone while driving. Leo—Grip life by the horns and risk severe injury, or stand by and be wildly entertained by everyone else who tries. Virgo—Cleaning is a healthy method of procrastination until the bleach mixes with ammonia or vinegar. Libra—A relationship is a two-way street, so don’t forget to look both ways. Scorpio—Get back to work, the Internet isn’t going anywhere. Sagittarius—A well-timed and audible fart will always lighten the mood.
dailysudoku Level 1 2 3 4 Solution to last week’s problem available at
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Despite Lobo contract, Alford bails for Bruins Days after negotiating contract with UNM, men’s head coach receives what he calls “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” to coach for UCLA by J.R. Oppenheim
assistantsports@dailylobo.com @JROppenheim Yeah, it’s true. It wasn’t an early April Fools’ Day joke. Steve Alford was hired to be the new men’s basketball coach at UCLA, and will leave New Mexico just two weeks after he agreed to a 10-year contract with UNM. He departs for Los Angeles after six years with the Lobos. Alford is to replace Ben Howland, who coached at UCLA for 10 years and took the Bruins to the Final Four in 2006, 2007 and 2008. UCLA fired Howland on March 24 after the team went 25-10 this year and lost to Minnesota in the second round of the NCAA tournament. According to The Associated Press, UCLA athletics director Dan Guerrero said Alford’s seven-year deal is worth $18.2 million and includes a $200,000 signing bonus. The coach will receive a $2.6 million salary, the report states. Associate head coach Craig “Noodles” Neal will take over as UNM’s interim head coach while UNM athletics director Paul Krebs begins an “exhaustive” search for a new head coach. During a press conference on Saturday at The Pit, Alford said the Bruins job wasn’t something he sought, but rather something that came to him. He decided to take the job Friday night. He called the move to accept the UCLA job “the toughest decision I’ve had to make maybe ever.” “That’s because how much I love this place — UNM, Albuquerque, New Mexico, the fans,” he said. “Our entire setup here is amazing. It really came down to the decision to have the opportunity to go to UCLA. It’s the pinnacle of college basketball. It’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that is really difficult to pass up.” ESPN reports stated Virginia Commonwealth University’s Shaka Smart and Butler’s Brad Stevens were considered for the UCLA job, but both turned it down. Alford said he made his decision with UCLA Friday night after thinking about it for two days. UCLA contacted Alford after last Wednesday’s end-ofseason press conference, he said. “University of New Mexico is a special place,” said UNM President Robert Frank on Twitter. “We will find an individual who will lead and grow
Juan Labreche/ @LabrecheMode / Daily Lobo Men’s basketball head coach Steve Alford walks toward the media work area for a Saturday press conference at The Pit announcing his decision to accept the head coach position at UCLA. Alford coached the Lobos for six years. our elite basketball program.” In his six years at UNM, Alford led the Lobos to 155 wins, four Mountain West Conference regular-season championships and two MWC tournament titles. The Lobos earned a No. 3 seed in this year’s NCAA tournament but lost to No. 14 seed Harvard a day after UNM announced its 10-year deal with Alford. Under that agreement with UNM, Alford would have received an additional $240,000 base salary and could have made up to $2 million with incentives. That deal included a $1 million buyout if Alford left UNM before April 1, 2015. However, that deal was to take effect today. Krebs said during the press conference he was not certain how the UCLA development affects Alford’s buyout. Krebs said Alford’s previous contract with UNM also featured a buyout clause. Either way, Krebs said Sat-
urday, the buyout will be decided on an undetermined date. Ticket and concession prices were due to increase as a result of Alford’s contract, although the specifics weren’t announced. Those issues will be re-evaluated with the coaching change, Krebs said. Krebs has not set a particular time when he will have a new head coach, but he said he will address the matter with a degree of self-imposed urgency. He already has a list of potential candidates to replace Alford. Neal is on that list, but Krebs would not divulge which other candidates are in the mix. “A good (athletics director) always has that list,” he said. Krebs said Guerrero left him a voicemail Friday night about Alford, but he did not get the message until Saturday morning. “As sad and disappointed as I am, Steve was very direct in our conversations and very honest and
appreciative of his time here,” Krebs said. “It was clear he made up his mind and was in the best interest of he and his family, and I respect that.” Alford’s older son Kory Alford was a redshirt freshman for the Lobos this season, and his other son Bryce signed a National Letter of Intent for UNM. Alford said both sons will join the rest of the family in Los Angeles. UNM will release both players, though Kory Alford, as an active UNM student, must go through transfer procedures. Alford has a 463-235 record over a 22-year coaching career that includes stints at Iowa, Southwest Missouri State (now called Missouri State) and Division III Manchester College in Indiana. He took Southwest Missouri State to the Sweet 16 in the 1999 NCAA tournament, but he has yet to return there as a head coach. Alford becomes the 13th head coach at a tradition-rich institution in UCLA. The Bruins have 11 national
titles under their belts, including 10 in 12 years by another coaching legend: John Wooden. In fact, Alford lived his first- through fourth-grade years in Wooden’s hometown of Martinsville, Ind. Alford said he leaves New Mexico with mixed emotions. While he’s eager to lead a nationally recognized program such as UCLA, he said UNM is a top-20 program capable of winning championships in the future. He said he has no regrets about his time at UNM. “The four rings I won here will come with me,” Alford said. “It’s not like I’ll put them in a safety deposit box. Those things will be out and I’ll look at them often. I’ve got fond memories from here and nothing but great things and experiences from UNM. Six years ago, I didn’t know if that’d be the case.”
Neal takes position as interim head coach Players support former associate head coach’s claim to the top job
by Thomas Romero-Salas sports@dailylobo.com @ThomasRomeroS
The New Mexico basketball team’s interim head coach may be a familiar sight to Lobo fans. UNM athletics director Paul Krebs officially announced on Saturday that associate head coach Craig Neal will be the interim head coach now that Steve Alford has departed for UCLA’s head coaching job. Alford, who accepted a sevenyear deal worth a reported $18.2 million with the Bruins, said he fully endorses his longtime friend as the next head coach of
Lobo basketball. “Coach Neal is ready,” Alford said at his going-away press conference Saturday afternoon. “Coach Neal has been my associate head coach now for nine years — three years at Iowa and six years here. If you look at our track record for those nine years, we’ve averaged 26 wins per year. We’ve been to the postseason every year except our last year at Iowa.” Alford said Neal is one of the best offensive coaches in the country. “He’s got an incredible basketball mind: Of all the people I’ve worked with or been around, nobody knows the game
of basketball more than he does,” Alford said. “He knows the team. He knows the culture of UNM, he knows what it’s like to walk down that ramp and he knows how to organize a basketball team in a lot of different ways.” Neal started his coaching career as an assistant coach with the NBA’s Toronto Raptors in 2000. In 2004, he left Toronto to become associate head coach at Iowa when Alford became head coach of the Hawkeyes. Neal followed Alford to UNM in 2007 and has been associate head coach of the Lobos since. Krebs said he “challenged” Neal to provide stability within the program, including with
current players and recruits. Krebs also said it’s important to listen to the student athletes and those most directly involved with the program to help decide who should become the next head coach. “Coach Alford has made it clear he has the highest respect for Craig. If you’ve been around the program for the last six years, it’s not hard to understand that coach Neal has had a strong impact on the program,” Krebs said. “I think Craig’s an outstanding coach, and we have named him interim head coach. He’s in charge of the program. Craig is a candidate for the head-coaching job but beyond acknowledging
that I won’t really talk about any candidates regarding the search itself.” Sophomore center Alex Kirk told Krebs that if Neal isn’t chosen as the next UNM head coach, Kirk would transfer to another school, according to a CBS report. Junior Cameron Bairstow said the team is in full support of Neal as the Lobos’ new head coach. “(Neal) calmed us and said ‘Hey, take a breath. Just think about what’s going on,’” Kirk said. “That’s all we can really do right now, just focus on getting our grades back. We just have to stay calm and he said everything’s going to be OK. I trust him a lot.”