Jokes About NonBinary Naming Conventions

Jokes About NonBinary Naming Conventions

Jay Townsend

Hi my name is “I love you” and I was

pressing flowers in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

when I found a caterpillar so I went outside,

even though it took me an hour and a half to get out of bed,

and placed it in a potted plant because I

wanted it to live and be happy, if that’s

a thing a caterpillar can do.

Hi my name is “leave me alone” and I

haven’t left my room in twenty-four hours

because I can’t stand the feeling of knowing

I’m being perceived, and I tried to hide

in the closet but the bitch in the mirror on the

inside of the door was watching me.

Hi my name is “I’m sorry that happened” and I love you

very much, just so you know, I love you a lot

and I hate when I can’t fix things.

Hi my name is “take my jacket” and I know

that there are a lot of problems with chivalry

and stuff but I’m enchanted with the idea of being

like a modern knight, of being someone

who protects, someone who helps.

Hi my name is “inherent bias” and you shouldn’t

trust me because I’m very good at twisting

words to make myself seem like a good person

and I’m not. I will hurt you.

Hi my name is “I deserved it” and like

I’m pretty sure I didn’t—and I know it was complicated

and also mostly my fault, actually almost

entirely my fault and you know what, I change

my mind I think I did deserve it.

Hi my name is “I’ll do it myself ” and I wish

people would stop fucking acting like I

can’t handle myself, fucking hell, it’s

easy for me, it’s easy, stop being so worried.

Hi my name is “I miss the ocean, I miss home”

and—

Actually, I don’t have any more to say about this one. Let’s move on.

Hi my name is “I guess I forgot” and I think?

I might have ADHD but it feels insensitive

to self-diagnose and anyways I had a really

cool stanza in my head three minutes ago

but it’s gone now because I got distracted.

Hi my name is “check this shit out”

and I want to write, draw, animate, direct, act. Not

necessarily in that order.

Hi my name is “I don’t know” and you

have to understand I just like having names, okay,

I just like having lots of them, and

you can honestly use whichever one you like—

and I wish I could stop hesitating when people

ask “how would you like to be credited?”

But you can’t have everything.