17 minute read
MOTHERHOOD
Tatem Marbut found out she was pregnant while she was a senior in high school. She faced an interesting set of obstacles on her journey into motherhood.
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Motherhood comes in many forms, but the one constant is that no matter what the situation, a mother’s love is unconditional.
In a short 10 months, a woman's body goes through the unimaginable. Her organs shift, her emotions heighten, her cravings are never satisfied, and all of this happens because she is growing a human being.
Her body becomes a vessel and makes room for the growth of a child. She feels tickles at first, then the defined feeling of an actual kick. She wakes up in the middle of the night with a weird feeling, which turns out to be her baby having the hiccups. She has a dream that she will give birth to a cat or to a baby with a full set of teeth.
Through all of that, she buys clothes, toys, blankets, dolls and everything she needs to decorate a room and welcome her child into the world surrounded with every luxury possible.
In reality though, when her baby comes into this world, it will not need stuffed animals or a fancy nightlight, the only luxury her baby needs to be surrounded by is the arms of its mother.
The day that her baby decides to make its journey into the world is, to the mother at least, one of the scariest moments in life.
She is excited, after all she has dreamed of holding her baby and seeing its face for months.
But, there is a not-so-pretty, not-so-comfortable process that she must go through before that glorious moment.
Childbirth is the single most exhausting, amazing, terrifying, anticipated, humbling and joyous experience in life.
Physically, her body will go through pain, and emotionally she will be circling around as if on a merry-go-round.
And then, the pain, worry and fear all disappear, the incredible journey her body just went through is no longer painful or scary, she has her baby, it is
Jacklyn Roman, single mom of five children, said she couldn’t do it all on her own. She is a single mom, but she has help.
Rachael Freeman Selby and her son Jackson developed a bond that breaks through the responsibilities of being a working mom.
a different experience for every mom
laying in her chest, the only feeling she is experiencing is love.
After a short stay in the hospital, she bundles up her bundle of joy and heads home to start their life together.
All of a sudden the worries of pregnancy and childbirth give way to the worries of motherhood.
Am I doing this right? Should I have done that? What if I get it wrong?
That worry is really love in disguise.
She loves her baby so much, she wants to make every decision perfectly.
She will feel constantly judged by other mothers, when in reality, she is the hardest judge on herself. Other mothers are dealing with the same fears and concerns.
There is no perfect way to be a mother. Single, working, teen, stay-at-home, married, a baby doesn’t care as long as it is taken care of and loved. Every mother will be able to give their child something unique based on the experiences of their lives.
"They taught me a form of love I never knew existed." - Rachael Freeman Selby
TEEN MOM
One mother, Tatem Marbut, is nearing her graduation as an X-ray technician.
Tatem said she found out she was pregnant with now 2-year-old Oliver, while she was a senior in high school.
“I am a teen mom,” she said. “I went to high school in Aurora and graduated in 2017.”
She lived with her parents and had a plan for her future all laid out in front of her.
“I was scared to tell my parents, I knew that would be the hardest part,” Tatem said. “But, my mom was 19 when she had me and 16 when she had my brother. When I told her, she was so excited, she was also concerned, but she had the mindset of this is what God is giving us, and we will work it out.”
After that, Tatem felt telling her dad and step-mother, whom she lived with, would be easy.
“I told my dad and all he said was, ‘Yeah, I know, I have known for awhile,’” she said. “I couldn’t believe that, like how do you know and I didn’t, he said he could tell by my behavior.”
After that, things got scarier for Tatem; she was a soccer player, a cheerleader and on a dance team.
“I had noticed a pudge and thought it was all the junk food I was eating so I started working out more and eating better,” she said. “I was 21 weeks along when I finally took that test.”
Tatem said her nearly symptom-free pregnancy is why she didn’t suspect she was pregnant.
“Finding out at five months made it the shortest pregnancy ever,” she said. “When I called Ollie’s father, we were dating so everything was cool between us. He had graduated the year before me and was away at college.”
Ollie was born on September 26, 2017, one day before Tatem turned 19.
“I had a c-section because he was breach,” Tatem said. “I had started college the month before, so I actually scheduled my c-section so I wouldn’t miss a class.”
Tatem decided to take that year of class online to allow her to stay home with Ollie.
“I did have one seated class, but Ollie’s dad would stay home with him while I went to it,” she said. “That all seemed to work for us until the summer.
“We decided to move in with my mom so he could work for his grandpa. Over that summer his family dealt with a lot of really heartbreaking stuff, then, before school started we moved back to Sedalia for school. When we got settled back in, he just said he couldn’t do this anymore.”
Ollie’s parents had been together for eight and a half years in an on and off again relationship, and the two were best friends before they dated.
“He had met someone else,” she said. “So, he moved out of my apartment and it was just Ollie and I.”
The next day, Tatem was accepted into the radiology program and was now facing the situation of being a single mom and a full-time student.
“This was a seated program, so I had to leave Ollie at daycare for a full day for the first time,” she said.
Over the next year the two developed a parenting plan that worked for them and Ollie’s dad is a consistent person in his life.
“We have very open communication and still maintain our friendship,” Tatem said. “We actually had Thanksgiving together with both of our significant others.”
Tatem said that is the way he was raised in a split home, but she was raised by a family unit.
“I was lucky,” she said.
Looking back on the experience of being pregnant in high school, Tatem said she prays for girls who have their babies in high school and she is happy she had Ollie after graduation.
“I lost so many connections and friends when the word got out,” she said. “I was in all these sports and clubs and was a straight A student.
“All of a sudden, no one was associating with me.”
College was a completely different experience for her.
“There is a much higher variety of people in college that are in all kinds of situations,’ she said. “I read an article once that said every experience, pregnancy, delivery and struggle with postpartum depression is different.”
Tatem said being 16 and pregnant isn’t always the best thing, but it will never be the worst thing for her.
“One of the worst experiences I had of being judged while pregnant was my first OB appointment,” she said. “The doctor just looked at me and said I looked so young; I said I was a senior in high school and 18 years old, and she just said, ‘Oh.’”
Another incident happened at a friend's birthday party.
“Her mom just looked me up and down,” Tatem said. “She had never looked at me that way before.”
Today, Ollie attends a preschool like daycare and Tatem is nearing her graduation.
“He is so smart, his daycare is truly amazing,” she said. “I travel to different hospitals to do my clinicals. It is a busy time of our lives right now, and I actually appreciate the time we are able to spend together during the COVID-19 outbreak.”
Living about three hours away from family is difficult, but even still, Tatem knows she can count on her family.
“I can only miss 10 days in this twoyear program,” she said. “Between my family, Ollie’s father and my boyfriend's family, we always have help when we need it.”
Tatem’s boyfriend doesn’t have children, but he and his family have taken to the mother and son duo.
“The biggest thing that got me through those feelings of judgment was keeping my head high and telling myself that I can do this, I am worth this,” she said. “I judged myself more than anyone else judged me. I felt like the stereotypical cheerleader in high school. I hit my
"I try my best to find that balance that works for Jackson and me." - Rachael Freeman Selby
faith hard and that helped me find guidance and strength.”
In the end, Tatem says, it is all about the child and what is best for them.
“Everyone raises kids differently,” she said. “I never thought that I would be where I am now, happy and almost finished with my degree.
“I did this program by myself with a baby, and I am proud of that.”
WORKING MOM
A mom who figured out how to navigate motherhood and a career life is Rachael Freeman Selby, Cassville Chamber of Commerce director.
Jackson was born on Halloween night, October 31, 2012.
“At that time I was the editor of the Barry County Advertiser,” Rachael said. “I learned quickly how hard it was to do both, being a mother and having a career.”
After seeing she wasn’t getting to spend the time she wanted with her son, Rachael decided to go from editor to office manager.
“Now I am the director of the Cassville Chamber of Commerce, the Community Foundation, and I do freelance work,” she said. “One thing I have realized being a working mom, is that it really matters where you work.
“I have been fortunate to work in places that are family-first.”
Another struggle of being a working mom is dealing with mom guilt.
“You feel guilty about where the balance between work and family should be,” she said. “And because I compare myself to other moms, like my amazing sister, she is a stay-at-home homeschooler and she has a 1-year-old, I feel bad that I can’t
spend as much time with Jackson as she can with her children.”
When it comes down to it, Rachael said, all that matters is what works for each family in their individual situation.
“All moms struggle with that,” she said. “For us, I try my best to find that balance that works for Jackson and me.”
One thing that made it easier to go back to work after her 10-week maternity leave, was knowing her son would be cared for.
“His daycare is amazing,” she said. “I knew he would be cared for and loved and safe while he was there.”
The phrase, ‘It takes a village,’ is all the more true for a working mom.
“I need all the help I can get — nana's, papa's and everyone who loves my child,” Rachael said. “I thrive on being busy and my work, but Jackson has a way of keeping me grounded.
“Being a mother is more challenging and rewarding than any other task.”
Having conversations with her son about what his mom is doing and why it is important helps them find their balance as well.
“Nothing hurts more than when he says, ‘You work all the time,’” Rachael said. “He gives me a lot of grace, so when he lets me know that, I know I need to respond to it.
“He is and always will be my number one priority.”
Being a single working mom is definitely different for Rachael, but she said they make it.
“My village has supported me in my career just as much as being a mother,” she said. “Most moms are always in each other's corners supporting each other. The judgment, a lot of the time, comes from inside yourself.”
Having a strong bond with Jackson has made being a working mom possible.
“We have a great relationship, I work long nights and events and then come home and read to him or play,” Rachael said. “Being a mother is a different feeling of accomplishment.”
Rachael said she always knew she wanted to focus on her career.
“I am an aunt to 13 nieces and nephews,” she said. “I saw it as being a mom would be hard, but being an aunt is fun.”
Growing up Rachael knew she wanted a career, but didn’t know she would be a mom.
“I never dreamt of having children,” she said. “When I was married I had two children come into my life; they taught me so much about myself.
“They also taught me patience and a new form of love that I never knew existed.” wouldn’t change it for the world.
“He acts just like me,” she said. “But, if I had more children, it would have to be a plan from God.
“With each new niece or nephew I cry and I love them so much. I can’t believe that with each one there is just more love in my heart for them, you never know what the future will bring.”
"I realize they go through a lot and they have feelings that need to be validated." - Jacklyn Roman
While discussing having a child with her husband, Rachael feared that her stepchildren would feel like she didn’t love them as much as the new baby.
“Jackson’s dad told me the fact that I was worried about it means it wouldn’t happen,” Racheal said.
Staring at her son, Rachael said she is mesmerized by him.
“He is perfect, precious and awesome,” she said. “I still joke that it would be weird for me to have another child even though I have one.”
Motherhood found Rachael and she
SINGLE MOM
You never know what the future will hold, and that rings true for mothers that find themselves in a new situation, despite planning for a different life.
A single mother, usually doesn’t plan to be one, and a mother's ability to adapt, like local mother Jacklyn Roman.
Jacklyn, a mother of five, said becoming a single mother and reentering the dating world was not her plan, but her family has learned how to navigate obstacles they faced.
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“It takes a village,” she said. “I couldn’t do it all on my own. I am a single mom, but I have help.”
Teachers, friends, her children's father and his girlfriend are all part of her village.
“You can’t shoulder it all alone,” Jacklyn said. “Different people can reach my children on different levels, emotionally and mentally, I learned that through the divorce.”
Leila, Jacklyn’s oldest child, was born January 13, 2003.
“There are lessons to be learned in being a mother whether single or married,” she said. “I realized my children go through a lot and they have feelings that need to be validated. I have seen this more in the last couple of years since going through a divorce.”
Every mother is human, which means she will make mistakes.
“I make mistakes, but all I care about is the best interest for my children,” Jacklyn said. “I encourage them to be open and curious and learn and grow from experiences.”
A part of teaching that to the children means that she acknowledges when she has made a mistake and takes responsibility.
“Getting back into the dating world was not my priority, but it did happen,” she said. “I put my current boyfriend through a lot when we first started dating.”
Jacklyn decided not to introduce her children to Cody until they had been waiting for four months.
“Dating anyone with children is a package deal,” she said. “I have to know that there is a future with that person before they met my children. I don’t want my children getting hurt if it doesn’t work out.”
Meeting someone's children is an honor and a privilege.
“That opportunity shouldn’t be given to everyone you date,” Jacklyn said. “But, Cody felt differently. He felt that he wanted me and to know all of me, and to know all of me is to know my children.”
Jacklyn said going through divorce made her cautious and guarded.
“I didn’t want to marry again,” she said. “But, I have found something different with him, and he has changed that mindset for me.”
She is still feeling cautious for her children because the significance of loss a child feels in a failed relationship is great.
“When we met each other's children, we took them to dinner and a movie,” Jacklyn said. “That gave us a few hours to get to know each other. We went on a lot of outings before we went to each other's houses with the children. I felt like their homes are their safe places and that should be open to everybody.”
Having children that are old enough to voice their opinions was a key moment in the relationship.
“That first night at dinner, Leila told me she really liked him,” Jacklyn said. “She said she could tell he was a real person and not putting on a front.”
Jacklyn was divorced for a year before she met Cody.
“We constantly have the children in mind,” she said. “We are coming together as a family, but we don’t want to overwhelm the children. We are here to give love and support as we become a blended family.”
One thing that Jacklyn has noticed about their parenting styles is his soft spot for the girls.
“He has boys, so my daughters smile and bat their big brown eyes and he melts,” she said. “As a blended family, we are fading that medium of things we expect from each other as parents and our children.”
At the end of the day, being a mom is hard enough work, so moms try not to judge yourselves so hard, if you love your babies, you are not failing.
Single moms show their children how to adapt to a new normal and love no matter what the situation, working moms give their children a role model for motivation and determination and teen moms offer their children a lens of perseverance and acceptance to view the world by.
This Mothers Day think about what you offer to your children, the unique lessons they will be taught because you are their mother. Look at yourself through the eyes of your babies. You might discover you are better at motherhood than you thought you were. n
