After the Storm: Welcoming a Rainbow Baby

photo courtesy of bailey smith photography

after the stormwelcoming a rainbow baby

by talitha a. mcguinness

18connexions

M

Much like the beauty of a rainbow after a storm, many moms refer to babies born after a loss as their rainbow babies.

was extremely healthy and that there was no evidence of spina bifida. I was in tears!" said Ashley.

She and her husband were so

The rainbow certainly doesn’t erase the aftermath of the storm, nor does the arrival of a new baby eclipse the tragedy of any loss during or after pregnancy and delivery.

Ashley found out she was pregnant with her rainbow baby in May 2017. She had to have a planned pregnancy due to a previous loss. In a previous pregnancy, she lost a baby girl at 5 months into the pregnancy.

"I had the genetic testing done at 16 weeks and it came back elevated for spina bifida," said Ashley. "I was told that this test has a high false positive and everything should be fine."

After waiting two weeks to find out the results, at the anatomy scan, the doctor confirmed the baby had spina bifida and that she wasn’t alive. Ashley chose to be induced at that time so that she could hold her baby girl, instead of having the surgical procedure to deliver.

Ashley said, "labor was long and hard. I was in labor for 3 days and once I delivered her, I held her, had her baptized, and had a funeral for her. Her name was Melanie Taylor."

Like so many moms around the world, Ashley soon learned the reality of how difficult it is to leave the hospital without your

baby. She went to counseling and eventually saw her sweet Melanie as a gift to her future siblings. Ashley and her husband miss her so very much, but knew that they wanted to have more children eventually. Fast forward to 14 years later. When planning to get pregnant this time, Ashley started taking a suggested prescription strength folic acid to prevent spina bifida from happening again. She started trying in April and found out she was pregnant on Memorial Day weekend, 2017.

"I had great care and early testing to check for genetic abnormalities. We got confirmation that this baby

from top to bottom: ashley with mason; mason during his newbown photos

connexions 19

photos courtesy of firewife photography

A rainbow baby brings so much joy... but they don't tell you about the ambivalence you find hiding in trying to celebrate this new chance at being a parent.

excited and relieved to know that their baby was healthy. It was finally time they could allow themselves to get excited for this pregnancy and baby.

"Don’t get me wrong, I was so excited before. However, to have that confirmation that everything was good with this baby was such a relief," she said.

Although the health was the most important, they found out they were having a boy. They wanted to honor Melanie with his name, but they would also be honoring a grandmother (Ruth) in the name. Being of the Jewish faith, you take the initial or name of someone who has passed to make a new name for the baby. The couple decided on Mason Ryan.

Even with the great outcome and knowing that the baby was so healthy, Ashley said she still had anxiety throughout the pregnancy. Fear of the unknown and what was to come once he was here were constant until she felt him kick for the first time, an experience that she never got to have with Melanie.

"I would sit and just stare at my belly and watch his little kicks and flips! It was such an awesome experience," she said.

20connexions

When all was said and done, Ashley ended up having some blood pressure issues and was diagnosed with gestational hypertension. She was induced at 37 weeks, with Mason Ryan being born on January 2, 2018 at 7 lbs 1 oz , 21 inches. He was a healthy baby boy and his homecoming was long-awaited. Even though the pregnancy was full of anxiety and worry, Ashley says it was all worth it to have her precious rainbow baby with her.

"In her passing, she was able to give life to her future siblings. Losing a baby is the hardest thing I ever had to go though, one that I hope I never have to experience again. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you get to hold your rainbow baby. While you will never forget that pregnancy or baby, they give you the best gift in the birth of their sibling," said Ashley.

a shared experience...

Josh and Jessi Van Eseltine dated four years before getting married. They wanted to do things in order --- you know, dating, getting married, then kids. After eight short months of marriage Jessie got a “feeling” and they shared the news with close family and friends. She experienced around

the clock morning sickness, but the pregnancy kept moving along.

20 weeks, feeling better than ever

Jessi was on cloud nine as she reached the halfway mark of the pregnancy. The morning sickness had finally subsided and her hormones seemed to level out. During this week she noticed swelling in her ankles and a check-up revealed higher than normal blood pressure.

"The doctor seemed to think that everything would be okay with cutting sodium and logging my blood pressure three times a day," said Jessi.

A few weeks later, with blood pressure still high, it was suggested that Jessi may be experiencing preeclampsia. She was admitted to the hospital for a 24-hour test to determine the prognosis, knowing that her little girl could be delivered within a matter of days.

"As a couple more days passed, we wanted to prepare ourselves for Grace’s delivery and the life ahead of us," said Jessi. "We knew she was going to be a preemie and we knew she would live in the NICU for about 3 months."

time for celebration

On a Saturday at the hospital, the couple had lots of visitors bringing flowers, cards, and even stuff to help decorate Jessi's room. This day was a day of celebration. The doctors had told them if they made it to Saturday, that Grace would have a 75% chance of survival. On Sunday, the good news

continued. Josh and Jessi celebrated their one year anniversary and Jessi's dad delivered their wedding cake topper to enjoy. Nurses and doctors continued to check Grace’s heartbeat every four hours and Sunday night everything was great.

our worst nightmare

Monday morning around 6 am, the nurse came in for a check-up. She hooked Jessi up to the fetal monitor and began to search for the heartbeat. She was having a hard time finding it, but everything was perfect with the baby the day before, so Jessi was not worried. The nurse excused herself from the room and brought back two other nurses with her.

The nurses kept repeating “I can’t find it.” The next nurse would try with no luck either, so they called for the doctor. Shortly after the doctor walked in with an ultrasound machine, he began to check and right away discovered that there was no heartbeat for Grace. Jessi was not living a nightmare because it was really happening.

"I couldn’t comprehend the words coming out of his month when he said 'there is no longer a heartbeat'," said Jessi. "I even asked him 'what does that mean?' He then said 'I’m very sorry, but the baby has passed.' Those words are words that will never leave my head."

A few days later, Grace Elise Van Eseltine was born. She weighed 1lb. 4oz. Jessi and Josh spent some time with her and said their goodbyes. A few days after leaving the hospital, the family had a small intimate funeral and pink carnations covered her tiny casket as they laid her to rest.

living without grace

The following weeks and months were the hardest for the couple, as learning to live life without Grace seemed unbearable. Josh and Jessi had a supportive group of family and friends that helped remind them of their faith in God during this time. Friends gave them books,

prayed for and with them, and helped in many ways.

Jessi said, "Grieving the loss of our daughter is something I never in my life imagined I would have to do. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, and devastated. I was even angry at God. How could He have allowed this is happen?"

When they decided to try again, they met with doctors to get many opinions. Josh and Jessi knew that the next pregnancy would be nervewrecking and on edge, but they put their faith in God and prayed every day.

Three years later, Josh and Jessi were blessed with a beautiful baby boy who they adore and thank God for. They named him Grayson after Grace.

"We love the similarity in the two names. Grayson is our rainbow baby who has become the light of our lives," said Jessi.

from left to right: jessi and josh with grace after she passed (photo by now i lay me down to sleep photographer, julie staley); the couple with grayson, now 2 years old (photo by bailey smith photography)

connexions 21