Planning the Perfect Wedding

Riviera Maya, Mexico Photo by: Banyan Tree Mayakoba 20

The perfect wedding takes time to plan. My fiancé at the time, Jose, and I had decided a while back that we would get married on the same day as the adoption of our kids, which in theory is a beautiful idea. However, when we finally received the date of our adoption (you are given this date by the court system), it only gave us about 3 weeks to plan. In the end, we decided we didn’t have enough time for a wedding and instead chose to have a civil ceremony on the same day as our kids’ adoption. In essence, we entered as individuals and walked out as members of a family unit.

However, I had always dreamt of having a wedding - a ceremony with our friends and family, and of course a party to celebrate our special day - so I decided that I would plan a wedding in 5 weeks after the adoption. Why 5 weeks? Well, I decided that I wanted to have our wedding on the same day as the anniversary of my mother’s death, because in my mind this would ensure she would be there, her energy would bless our marriage and it was a way to change the vibe of the date in my head.

However, when reality kicked in, it was nearly impossible to find the right venue at the right price for us. Finally, my now husband, Jose, sat me down and noticed how stressed I was trying to plan a wedding in 5 weeks, and he said, “listen, I know you want this date, however, you need to realize that things do not seem to be working, the venues we like do not have the date, the venues that have the date available, we are not 100% sure about and some we can’t afford. It feels like we are fighting against the universe and this is not allowing you to enjoy the process of planning our wedding. In the end, your mother will be with us no matter what date we choose and where we get married, because she is always in your heart and in your mind.”

His speech made so much sense; it gave me clarity and hope. That’s one of the reasons why I chose Jose, because he is one of the few people who can make me see things when I am blinded, and he remains calm when I am the most stressed.

In the end, we decided we would plan the wedding we always imagined, the one we truly wanted, the one we talked about many nights imagining the magical event. We knew we didn’t want to get married in a hotel, we didn’t want to get married in a dance hall or anything like that, what we really wanted was a cruise wedding!

I did some research online and found two cruise lines with wedding packages within our budget. Jose and I wanted to spend about $3,000 on just the wedding, not counting the honeymoon.

Most of my family lives in Florida and most of Jose’s family lives in Puerto Rico, and most of our friends are in New York, which is home to us. So we took into consideration our family’s and friends’ travel abilities and decided that a cruise out of Florida would be best for us. We found the ideal itinerary for us, and then we called to see if they had a date available - Carnival Cruiseline did! So, in the end, Carnival chose our wedding date and we were totally fine with it, because it worked for us on so many levels. It finally felt like I was going with the flow of the universe, instead of fighting it and it became so easy.

I’m a bit of a control freak and this process was really new to me, so I wasn’t sure how it would work out. I called Carnival and the first thing I said is, “we’re a gay couple and we would like to inquire about weddings. Do you do gay weddings?” They answered positively and they briefly explained to me the planning process and costs, and I reserved the date.

Quickly, I called Jose and told him all about it, and he said, “is this what you want?” and I said, “this is what we talked about, and it’s sort of within our budget.” So of course, Jose caught on to my not so subtle way of discussing price and I explained further.

Our original budget for the entire wedding was $3,000. Our wedding package with Carnival started at $2,000 and then we added the few extras we wanted and it was still within our budget. We then added the plane tickets from New York to Florida and of course, the honeymoon cruise for us, it started adding quickly.

As luck would have it, when I was researching plane ticket prices, I came across a really good deal, so I bought plane tickets for 4 (us and our 2 kids) and then paid the deposit for our honeymoon cruise, which was also on sale and we had the option to pay it off until 90 days prior to our trip. So, it didn’t hurt as much - but even with those extras, we spent a bit more than $5,000, which to be honest would have been the cost of a so-so wedding in New York in a so-so venue and it would not include the honeymoon.

The wedding planning was an interesting process for me, mainly because The Wedding Experience, Carnival’s wedding department, provides the couple with a virtual Wedding Planner. I am a very visual person, so I am one of those people who needs to look at things to understand them fully, so I called and emailed our Wedding Planner several times throughout the entire process, and Diana Morales, our Virtual Wedding Planner, was always available to answer my questions (during working hours), which is a hard concept for “bridezillas” or “groomzillas,” to comprehend, but it is part of the process and you have to learn to trust and allow the experts to do their job (easier said than done).

Diana was absolutely amazing, she took the time to guide us and answer all of our questions, and to provide great suggestions that we hadn’t even imagined.

I recall several days where I would speak to Diana more than to Jose and she was always pleasant and super sweet. I felt that she was always with me and could hear her warm and comforting smile.

Size Matters!

One of the first things to plan is the size of your guest list. We knew we wanted a small wedding, between 20 - 25 people, so that settled the cost per person. And of course we picked a private venue within the ship that spoke to us. Diana emailed us three different options and I forwarded the email to Jose and asked him to pick his top choice – we both picked the same one – so we knew that was the one for us.

The planning process can be very stressful for the couple, so take some time to really listen to each other. Do you invite all of your relatives – even the ones who may not agree with your wedding? Or do you invite the ones who truly love the two of you and want what’s best for you?

This is my advice to everyone looking to get married: you are under ZERO obligation to invite relatives you don’t want at your wedding, especially the ones who have not made an effort to get to know your better half.

Oftentimes, in the gay community, we tend to pick our “family members,” you know the ones who will stick with you through everything, the ones who know you backwards and forwards and just because they are not blood related, they are still family! Also, this is your day, so invite the people who make you happy.

Just because your parents are paying for your wedding, it does not give them the right to invite their friends – however, be open and receptive to their suggestions, especially if they’re paying the bill.

But in the end, the choice is yours and remember, this is YOUR wedding so enjoy every second of the planning process, because before you know it you’ll be saying “I DO” and you’ll forget about the headaches and focus only on the best parts.

It’s in the Details

Diana explained all of the details involved with a cruise wedding. For example, all wedding guests have to go through customs and therefore, need to provide an ID (passport preferred) or birth certificate for younger guests upon boarding the ship. We had to compile a list of our friends’ and family members’ passport numbers and had to turn this in about two to three weeks prior to the wedding and once the names are turned in, they cannot change.

There are a couple of cruise wedding options, including: a shipboard wedding and a destination wedding. The destination wedding is a more elaborate process. You choose an island as your scenery. The blue skies, the sounds of nature and even the sea-scented breeze as you say “I do” become some of the most vivid memories you make that day. Carnival will help you plan nearly every detail. Carnival will take the couple to the wedding site, select a local Officiant to perform the ceremony, and handle the music and bouquet. They will even help with the legally-binding marriage certificates in your destination port. For destination weddings, the guests have to travel with you and when you arrive at the island where you will wed, that’s show time!

On a shipboard wedding, not all wedding guests have to cruise, some can stay on board and cruise with you, while others can exit the ship after the wedding and return to land. Since, some of our guests were not traveling with us, we decided on a shipboard wedding, which meant that our entire wedding party and guests had to arrive by 10am, and our wedding would take place around lunchtime.

With a shipboard wedding, there are a couple things to keep in mind. Only the couple can change aboard the ship, all guests and wedding party must arrive fully dressed. Also, the entire group - couple, wedding party and guests - must check in and board the ship at the same time, so the “surprise” effect is only based on couple’s outfits.

Note: if you are planning the traditional not seeing each other before the wedding - this may not work for you.

For us, we wanted to create our own traditions, so this was not an issue. We actually looked forward to helping each other with our tuxes and accessories, which made for some really cute pictures.

Cruise lines have professional photographers on board, therefore, couples are not allowed to hire outside photographers. This caused a bit of stress because I wanted to see the work of the photographers and get to know them before the wedding, but since we know several photographers who were a part of our wedding, we asked them to bring in their not-too-professional cameras and take pics, just in case we weren’t happy with the pics the ship’s photographer took.

Guests are allowed to take pics and videos, but no professional cameras or tripods are allowed. My worries all vanished when I saw the pictures. Our photographer had been well versed on who we were and every step of our ceremony, she was able to capture some absolutely gorgeous pictures. She even made a beautiful video for us.

Prior to the wedding date, you will virtually meet your Officiant to discuss your wedding bows. Since we have Spanish speaking family members, we chose a bilingual version of the ceremony. We discussed the entire ceremony, including our processional and recessional wedding songs and which poems we wanted to be read, we had our own bows and we even chose an Apache blessing for our ceremony.

The Special Day

While the couple is getting ready, your guests are free to roam around the ship, order drinks at the bar and enjoy some hors d’oeuvre s prior to lunch. We decided that we wanted to spend a relaxing time with our guests after the wedding, so we chose an elegant three-course sit-down luncheon, instead of a dance party.

Note: On your wedding day, your private wedding coordinator and Officiant will meet you before you check in to board the cruise. Your guests, wedding party and you will check in together.

Those who are sailing will go through customs and those visiting just for the wedding will be escorted through another line not too far from you. So you can see your guests as they arrive.

My now husband and I had t-shirts made prior to our wedding, which we wore on the morning of our wedding while we were checking in. Our t-shirts featured our wedding logo: “Live, Love, Laugh” and also the word “Groom” in big bold letters – so there was no doubt who we were! As a matter of fact, our t-shirts caused a reaction in people, some were surprised and happy and we even had some dirty looks, but we didn’t care. One lady even said to us, I see the grooms but where are the brides? To which we replied, no bride in our party just two grooms and smiled as we kept walking with our kids and left her behind with an astonished look on her face.

Since our kids were part of our wedding and they are minors, we were able to bring them with us to our cabin and get dressed. My sister and niece came in to help our daughter with her hair and make-up. Our kids were a huge part of our wedding – they were the ones who gave Daddies away and they were part of our first dance.

Once we were ready and it was show time, our onboard wedding coordinator, who works with our virtual planner, was there to help us every step of the way. At this point, I was too nervous to even worry about whether or not the wedding coordinator would follow my directions – but Diana, our virtual planner, had everything under control and our coordinator took care of every little detail as we had discussed.

I remember I wanted our cake to have two different ribbons and I had mentioned to Diana how I wanted the ribbons to look and in what order, so on the wedding date I gave the ribbons to the coordinator, and she said, “don’t worry, I know exactly how you want these to look.” And when I saw our wedding cake I cried again. I think I cried several times during that process. I may have not been able to get through my vows because of my crying, but it was lovely and we’ll never forget it.

As we walked to the salon where our ceremony would take place, the nerves started to kick in. I remember trying to keep our kids from getting too nervous, because they had to remember their steps and lines. But as soon as our processional song started to play (a Spanglish version of John Legend’s All of Me with a beautiful violin solo at the beginning), we all got into character, our son walked in first, followed by our daughter, then my husband and lastly me.

After a welcoming message by our officiant and greetings, our officiant asked: “Who supports this Couple’s Decision to become life partners?” And our two kids who were holding our hands, answered, “We Do,” as they took our hands and united us for the first time.

We arrived 4 days before our wedding, because we wanted to spend some time enjoying the weather and sun. A few hours after arriving, we got a phone call, my husband’s father who was in Puerto Rico, had just unexpectedly passed away, heart attack. We were devastated. I remember telling Jose to cancel the wedding and to fly out to Puerto Rico. He decided not to cancel the wedding. We drove Jose back to the airport and he went to Puerto Rico. I stayed with both kids back at the hotel, but our hearts were with him and his family.

The next morning, I woke up with a huge migraine – I had not experienced anything similar in years. But of course, I had bigger issues to deal with, like my husband’s pain and grief. I called Jose. They were feeling a bit better, but still in shock and in pain. I asked him once again about canceling the wedding and he said, “no, I’ll be there Friday night.”

Originally, we had planned on having our guests join us for Thanksgiving dinner, brunch on Friday morning and cocktails later that evening and wedding the next day, but I canceled those events and just laid low at the hotel with our friends and family, mainly making sure Jose felt us close even if we weren’t physically next to him.

Friday night, I picked him up from the airport. I knew he was in pain, but he really needed to talk and feel loved. We stayed up with some of our friends, drinking and talking. He felt he made the right decision about going through with the ceremony.

The day of the wedding, we spoke with the Officiant and we explained what had occurred and she quickly decided to include his dad’s and my mom’s names in her welcoming message ”whose spirits and love will be with [us] always.” It was very emotional, but a perfect way to express how we were feeling.

Looking back, it was the right move to go on with the wedding, because it allowed Jose the time to get away from everything and everyone and be surrounded by love. Sometimes, when you are planning big events, there are always things you can’t plan for, the key is to remain calm and allow the universe to guide you!