Your dilemmas

... Stuck for what to do? Write to Pick Me Up! for some good advice Yo ur

Sue Tappenden (www. headspaceforchange. com) is an experience coach and people expert who helps her clients become more effective in all that they do.

Would it be so wrong?

QI’m 45 and I’d love to have another child. When I told my friends, they said that it would be really unfair on the baby. Am I being selfish? Jenny, Oxford

AMany women are having babies well into their 40s these days, and it isn’t as unusual as it used to be. There are many children growing up with the varied pros and cons of having an ‘older’ mum, and being a good mum isn’t age-related! Having a baby is a huge privilege that doesn’t come easily to all women, and having a baby at any age is such a personal experience. There is never going to be a clear answer to your question about being selfish (whatever selfish means to you), but think through the physical and emotional impact on you, your family, and your new baby to help figure out what feels right. Talk to health professionals as well as to those close to you, but listen hard to your instinct. Nature and our own body have an uncanny way of knowing what’s right for us, so trust them, too!

QI betrayed my friend by sharing some confidential things she’d said to me, and now we’re not speaking. I know I was wrong. How can I make it right? Bella, Stafford

AYou can’t change what happened, so what you do now is important. Honesty is the best next step, so find a way to tell your friend that you know you have made a mistake in doing what you did, that you are sorry, that you know it was wrong, and whatever else you want and need to say to her. Face to face is best, but if she doesn’t want to speak to you, you may need to write her a text or a note. Unfortunately, you aren’t in control of her reaction to your apology, but hopefully, if you are good friends, she will understand that it was a mis-judgement that you won’t repeat.

If not, time can be a great healer, and she may feel able to forgive you and move on in the future. Ask yourself why you betrayed her confidence – was it to impress the person you told or to get your own back on your friend? Understanding why might help avoid the same situation in the future.

Everything has changed

QI’ve started dating a guy and he’s recently admitted he fell into a wrong crowd and has a conviction for stealing. He says he’s a different man now –and was relieved when I said it didn’t change anything. But it does! I’m really disappointed. Nicky, Hull

AHe’s been open and honest with you early on, and that’s a good thing –but it’s no surprise that the news has left you feeling differently about him. If you wanted to be with him until the point he told you, you now need to decide the extent to which you can accept him with his past. Go back and talk to him about how you feel now that it’s sunk in. If he cares about you, he’ll understand, and being able to talk openly will be building a healthy relationship based on trust. If he has genuinely changed, rejecting him for a past mistake may feel harsh, and you may choose to put it behind you and move on together. Or you may feel you simply can’t stay with him because he’s overstepped a mark that goes too far. The more you talk, the more you will know whether your feelings for him can survive this or whether you need to move on.

GETTING HELP

 If you’d like advice from our Pick Me Up! expert, email us at hello@ pickmeupmag.co.uk or write to us at the address on our contacts page (pg4).  If your problem affects your mental wellbeing, you can call the helpline run by the charity Mind on 0300 123 3398, open 9am to 6pm weekdays.

Throughout our lives we experience change, and for some, it’s scary. The unknown can be a pretty daunting thing to face, whether it’s a new job, a new town, or the end of a relationship.

But there are ways to cope better.

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Imagine all the likely outcomes, and by thinking them through, you’ll see that nothing is as bad as you are imagining.

Figure out how much of it you can actually control, and try not to fight the things you can’t. Seek support and tell yourself that ‘things are changing and that’s OK.’ Accepting change will reduce the fear factor. Dealing with change YOU’VE GOT THIS