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SCHOOL for life!

direct MALE JEREMY CORBETT

JEREMY’S NOVEL WAY TO MAKE PARENTS, KIDS & TEACHERS HAPPIER I have shirts older than my children. They are six and nine respectively − the children that is, not the shirts.

This means two things: School holidays are too long and I need new shirts.

It’s a well-documented, scientific fact that returning one’s offspring to school is the most magical and uplifting moment in a parent’s year. A freeing of shackles, a new dawn, a vast plain of nothing-todo stretching out to the horizon. If it’s that amazing, is there a better way?

Could I perhaps suggest we have the whole school/life balance backwards?

Many people regard school as something that takes the kids out of their home life. I see home life as taking the kids out of school, their natural habitat.

Consider this: Neither my wife nor I are trained as teachers, yet the government and the education system expect us to look after our daughters for nearly 24 hours a day from early December until February. That’s two months, and really, too long. Especially when you consider our complete lack of educational ability means our children not only stop learning, but probably go backwards.

The kids suffer. We suffer. The country suffers.

Imagine if our children were happy, safe, cared for and learning during those two months? That’s 20% extra school time! Our nation would have the smartest kids in the world! And the happiest parents. More productive parents too! Just think how much better I’d be at Fortnite if I’d been able to commit to it fully during the last nine summers! We’d be happier too, because we’d be doing amazing things such as sleeping. Teachers: Please don’t think I haven’t thought of you. I love teachers. I have immense respect for teachers and in this bright, new world of mine I’m not expecting you to work longer hours. No! For December and January, we replace teachers with politicians! They’re the perfect fit: they’re not busy during those months, they have a pathological desire to be liked and they’re used to acting like children. The kids would love them. And we’re already paying their salaries!

There’s another benefit to having your local MP spend a couple of months at the coalface of learning − a massive boost in education funding!

Nothing will convince our parliamentarians of a teacher’s value more than walking a mile in their chalk-covered, child-practical footwear. Overnight the budget would be adjusted to give our educators the funds they need. And when us mums and dads come to pick up our kids for the odd night or two before dropping them back at school, we’ll be so much more enthusiastic and engaged. Our time together will be far more loving.

I know some people will say when it comes to time with our kids, what matters is quantity not quality, but I’d wager those people are not parents.

This is a great plan! School-forlife! I’m already getting excited about the possibilities. I may even have time to buy some new shirts!