[I Am Endlessly Creating Myself] writings from 2014 - 2015
By Courtney-Jane Bell
Table of Contents 1. You and I
12. The Juxtaposition
2. Diamond Pupil 13. Sink 3. Remember to not remember
14. In My Next Life
4. So this is love
15. But Can I?
5. Jealous
16. I’m not // I am
6. Caution
17. Just In Case
7. Sext:
18. An Echo, A Stain
8. Lost in Translation
19. Treasure
10. Cry Me a River
20. Rot
11. SOS
21. On Repeat
22.Interwoven//Inte rtwined
30. 3:27am 31. 4:13pm
23. The Pursuit of Happiness
32. If You Are Lucky, You Get Old
24. Old Feelings 26. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE INSIDE OF A LAVA LAMP
33. I Am So Quick To Outgrow People 34. Eternal Moral Support
27. Touch
35. …
28. The 11th Commandment
36. Plus, I’m Scared of Heights
29. A Title Regarding Love
37. You Are Cosmic
38. My Life 39. The First Time You Hear A Song That Sounds Like Where You Belong 40. “Only The Good Die Young” 41. Small But Significant Moments 42. Gently, Gently, Gently 43. Keeping It Surreal 44. Ephemerality 45. From The Bottom of My Mended Heart
You and I You and I. We can each look at the moon. Reflect our longing gaze off of the moon from two different places. We can feel each other’s love mirrored from the luminosity of the moon. The moon projects love.
1
Diamond Pupil
I want to rub broken glass into my eyes. Feel the crunch of the translucent shards roll and fix themselves into my globular organs. Replace the black hole with a diamond pupil. Feel the light refract through the rocks, producing an array of blinding radiance. Maybe then I will see beauty within myself.
2
Remember to not remember
I could fall asleep to the sound of time passing by. Create a lullaby made entirely from ticking clocks and I will forget the world but remember it all at once. I will remember my lack of belonging. I will remember my lack of control. I will remember how much time has already slipped by in my seventeen years of life. I will remember to not remember time.
3
So this is Love
I am a badly dressed satellite circling recklessly in your orbit. I am hopeful of a comet, heavy with ice and dust, finding its way into my path directly so that I land on your terrain. Just so I can finally touch you.
4
Jealous
I am jealous of the sun for providing you with more warmth and life than I ever could. I am jealous of the moon for providing you with more hope and wonder than I could ever cause. I am jealous of the stars for inspiring you more than anyone could. I am jealous of the cosmos for being everything you need and for its eternal protection of your soul.
5
Caution
I’m so sorry. Do you think you could manage being with me? Our relationship means so much more to me than my stupid insecurities. I am in so much love. Please be careful.
6
Sext:
I’m such a mess of idiocy however I am strong because I pretend to not feel anything. I laughed when you put me out with the trash because I am trash. I am just honoured you thought of me.
7
Lost in Translation:
Language of the body translated for the mind. Language of the mind translated for the body. Feel your body. Feel your mind. Sense what is going on inside of you. I am tense. Listen to your body. Turn your ears inward. I hear weeping. Turn your eyes inward. I see the raw flesh of my eyelid. What do you see in different parts of your body? Translate it for your mind. Hear the soft cry in your chest; protected and armoured by your heart and the harsh
8
knowledge of its unimportance in others’ lives.
9
Cry Me A River
I drank so much water today it started flowing from my eyes. I have consumed the sadness.
10
SOS
Why am I having trouble seeing myself in the mirror? I am tired of going through this. Please stitch my insides so I can stop falling apart.
11
The Juxtaposition
Cleaning out my inbox, I saw a direct juxtaposition of how my life was then to how it is now. The contrast between “Good luck finding someone who will love you” and “I thought I knew what love was until I met you” is such a significantly positive change and I cannot be more grateful for being with someone so loving and genuine.
12
Sink
Can I sink into the grass? I want to sink into the grass. I want to feel the damp earth swallow me whole. I want to befriend the worms and be one with the roots of weeds. Maybe then I too, will become a weed. Maybe then I would rot. Maybe then someone would want to hold me, pull me up, rip me from the ground and discard me so I don’t have to do it myself.
13
In My Next Life In my next life I could be a willow tree. Sway in the breeze and dip my leaves into a nearby pond. I could be a trashcan. Hold onto everyone’s discarded items. Maybe then I could be of some use to others. In my next life, I could be the ocean. Give and take life. Be salty. Be choppy. Be a terrifying habitat with beautiful views. In my next life, I’m not sure I’d believe in reincarnation.
14
But Can I?
I can be anything I want but I don’t want to be anything.
15
I’m not // I am
I’m not eyes glistening in the sunlight. I’m not hair blowing in the wind. I am not warm hands on a winter’s night. I am not the thighs that you love. I’m not a pretty little mouth. I am not ears that are listening carefully. I am not feet stepping lightly. // I am just a being in the dark.
16
Just In Case
Stay in bed with me until 5pm when the world is meant to end. We will hear about it eventually. The old man is never right but maybe one day he will be. Let us kiss all day until the time comes. Let us die connected. And if not, we will kiss again tomorrow.
17
An Echo, A Stain
I am only human and that’s all I’ll ever be but I still strive to be more. Other days, I will not.
I’m just failing at being the stereotype I’m supposed to fit into as a human being.
18
Treasure
Your body is a map made of veins and organs as roads and destinations. I want to explore you for all eternity.
19
Rot
Our heads are filled with confetti. Our heads are piùata time-bombs. Let us kiss and blow our confettifilled heads up and be together in the afterlife. Surely it’s more beautiful than this; even if the afterlife is just our corpses rotting in the ground. Our decomposing bodies will reunite in the cool, damp earth. We will have confetti stuck in our teeth.
20
On Repeat
Your mind: connecting to mine with ease. Your eyes: the colour of a storm. Your smell: lingering in my bed. Your fingers: soft against my skin. You: left on repeat inside my head.
21
Interwoven//Intertwined
My ribs feel tangled. My ribs are tangled. Sink into my body. Let our ribs connect. Let’s be stuck.
22
The Pursuit of Happiness
I wish my stupid tears could represent my love for you but they are not happy enough.
23
Old feelings
Happiness makes me feel guilty.
I don’t necessarily want to die. I won’t go out of my way to make it happen. But, if I do, it will be a relief.
I keep wasting my nights thinking about how much better I’ll feel tomorrow but it’s just an endless cycle.
24
I wish I wasn’t afraid of the sea so I could drown in it.
I’m unsure if I genuinely think airplanes are falling sometimes when they fly over me, or if I just hope that they are.
25
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE INSIDE OF A LAVA LAMP You make me feel like the inside of a lava lamp.
26
Touch
When I run my fingers along my skin, along the palm of my hand, I feel every line and every crease as though I am dragging my fingertips over jagged cliffs. But when I feel your fingertips, they melt deep into the valleys, softly flowing into each riverbed and I am instantly soaking up your touch.
27
The 11th Commandment
Never judge others by their race, religion or sexual orientation, but by the quality of their character.
28
A Title Regarding Love I want you to whisper my name like a prayer into my skin. I want to know how to make you feel like god just might exist. I want to be your place of worship. I want to be your heaven.
29
3:27am
Everything is fine. You are not alone. YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT.
30
4:13pm
I woke up feeling different. I am actually ok. I am tired of going through this.
31
If You Are Lucky, You Get Old
2015 is close. Another year my skin stretches and my eyes don’t. Another year holding plenty of ups and downs - but hopefully more ups. I will finish high-school. I will get a job. I will find more of myself. I will have more experiences; be more adventurous, more in love. I will kiss more and feel more. I will rid myself of negative people. I will feel more deserving. Another year: new skin, old brain.
32
I Am So Quick To Outgrow People
but you’re always on the tip of my tongue and behind my eyelids
33
Eternal Moral Support The Moon is so underrated. The Moon is the same Moon Shakespeare and van Gogh and Mozart gazed at in their time. The Moon provides comfort for human beings forever. (thank you, moon)
34
… I’m scared I won’t make it. That my life will end before I get to live it.
35
Plus, I’m Scared of Heights I wish I could live in the sky. But then again, I wouldn’t get to see the sky for what I know it to be. Instead, I’d see our decaying Earth. I’d rather be apart of this destruction and continue my appreciation and admiration of the sky from a distance. It’s nice to wonder about the sky anyway.
36
You Are Cosmic Record the sound of your heartbeat and listen to it when you feel like it will fade away. You will never fade away. I am reminded of you in everything. I could trace the purple galaxies on your eyelids with the tip of my finger.
37
My Life I feel sick thinking about art and affording things.
38
The First Time You Hear a Song That Feels like Where You Belong Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Relax. Let rhythm possess your body and soul. The rest is just history.
39
“Only The Good Die Young” Lucky I am so awful.
40
Small But Significant Moments:
41
taking in a view you’ll never remember Falling asleep next to someone, breathing on each others face A cry that consumes your entire body; draining you of all bad things Driving away from the house you grew up in Finding something that was lost
Gently, Gently, Gently
Let us slow dance off of a building together.
42
Keeping It Surreal
It feels as though everything outside of my world is falling apart. Colour me impressed. Usually it is my world; however, I am wearing eight past lives and can’t rid the scent of sandalwood incense from my flesh. Bring me flowers so I can ruin another life that is not my own.
43
Ephemerality
Stop and gaze at your surroundings. Soak in the elements that bring you joy. Stop and look at your loved ones for a moment. Inhale their pain. Appreciate the Earth. Exhale your pain. Admire the beauty of the insects’ fragility. Notice how the clouds shift and the colours of the sky are everchanging. Allow yourself to be caught in moments like these but do not forget them.
44
From The Bottom Of My Mended Heart Thank you.
45