Scopes WITH JOSEPH SMITH

SAGITTARIUS: NOV 23 - DEC 21

Healthy classics such as the Chiko, aka ‘the mystery box’, roll or Kebab should only be consumed after midnight. If you can’t remember eating it, then it doesn’t count.

CAPRICORN: DEC 22 - JAN 21

Shark nets are like old undies. They’re supposed to keep us safe, but something is always sneaking through the gaps.

AQUARIUS: JAN 22 - FEB 21

Honesty is the best policy, until your girlfriend asks if she looks fat in something.

PISCES: FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

Christmas. The time of year where you become an Oscar winning actor because pretending to like some of your relatives deserves some reward.

ARIES: MARCH 21 - APRIL 19

Oh no! It’s Summer. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the mirror is telling you something different. Time to get rid of all the mirrors!

TAURUS: APRIL 20 - MAY 20

Cleavage is like the sun. You can glance for a second, but if wear sunglasses, you can look a lot longer.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUN 20

Being single means never having to pretend that you’re sober… unless you still live with your parents. Then you need to be drunk.

CANCER: JUN 21 - JUL 20

Making fun of a man with a moustache can be fun. Making fun of a woman with a moustache can be deadly.

LEO: JUL 21 - AUG 22

Having children is your opportunity to have all your worst traits and behaviour manifested in miniature.

VIRGO: AUG 23 - SEPT 22

It’s only excessive drinking when you realise that they haven’t actually carpeted the walls at your local watering hole…that’s the floor.

LIBRA: SEPT 23 - OCT 22

Love is…the unlimited power of your home internet when everyone else is asleep.

SCORPIO: OCT 23 - NOV 22

Cricket season is back. Expect your husband’s selective hearing to gradually get worse over the coming months. •