For the Fathers

Happy June everyone, and a very Happy Father’s Day to all: from the whitehaired “grand-pappies” to the new and soon-to-be “first-time Dads.” Wishing you peace and happiness and the joy of family throughout the month of June.

And if the latter is you….a first-time Dad—well, you’re in for what I characterize as a “world-shaker,” and in the context of COVID-19, the complexities and anxieties are likely compounding… Asked to write for this issue I wasn’t sure I had much to offer. Yes, as a committed father of five I accept that I qualify to comment on Fatherhood: as an accessory and support worker to my wife Kate Koyote’s vocation as a Registered Midwife, and as the manager of the Matraea Centre—home to the Valley’s Matraea Midwives--I’m peripherally aware of a steady stream of new arrivals and the celebrations of many of the valley’s new families, but I do try to compartmentalize all that. After all, for all the wonder of birth, the truth is that births are disruptive to normal life. My life’s been in a state of disruption for 23 years, and now that my eldest has eclipsed me as a career success, well…thankfully for the average Canadian that “disruption” is only visited on us with about the frequency of a mass pandemic… (The birth rate in Canada was 1.5 births per woman in 2017: so at that rate most Canadians will only have direct experience with birth once or twice in their lifetime…) As the parenting element of Fatherhood is certainly more of a marathon than it is a sprint--enduring for 20 or 30 years depending on how you frame it—the first-time Fathers contending with having new babies right now are definitely sorting out some compounding stresses, though a little bird told me that it doesn’t appear that this is discouraging “practicing” for Fatherhood, as judging by the boost in pre-natal bookings for December and January there seems to be a lot of “Watching NetFlix” going on during these COVID days…

Back to the Fatherhood: On top of the inevitable financial strains—whether a father has had to reduce work or not— there are additional challenges that may affect how it feels to be a new dad right now. Right off the top, for instance, socialdistancing recommendations have created new policies in prenatal care, wherein Father’s who would previously be encouraged and welcomed to attend prenatal visits with mom’s are now asked not to attend in order to minimize social contact and the potential spread of infection. Pre-natal classes have gone online as well, and these factors together may increase a Father’s feeling of distance from the whole process…of feeling leftout, and in some cases perhaps even jealous and resentful of the attention the mom and baby are getting….It’s a pretty special moment to share as parents: hearing the Doppler amplified heart-beat that so underscores the magic of new life growing inside a mother’s beautiful, round belly. For those families fortunate enough to have extended family nearby, the support of grandparents can continue in some capacity—maybe contactless meal drop-offs, and/ or plans can be built around minimizing broader family contacts to reduce the anxiety around infant Coronavirus infection…however for those without relatives living nearby the current limitations to travel create a unique set of challenges, as the support system of grandparents who might come and visit to support a new family for the first several weeks is effectively eliminated . . . thus isolating the new parents and adding to the pressure on both the new mom and the new dad. This is the time to lean on your community of friends and to access and organize delivery services from Grocers and local community groups like the Cowichan Green Community’s “Cow-op”

If you are expecting, here’s a quick list of a few simple things you can do as a couple to prepare for the days ahead.

1. Consider Homebirth: interest is up, and if you’ve never thought about it before, there are more reasons than ever to look into it—not just the potential exposure to infection at the hospital–discuss this with your midwife and/or make an infection exposure reduction plan with your Family Physician. If homebirth is not an option for you…write your MLA and the Minister of Health, Adrian Dix, and lobby for a free-standing Birth Centre in the Cowichan as an alternative to Hospital Delivery.

2. Seek Support from a Dadfriend: new dads are now less likely than ever to be able to tap into their social support networks…there’ll be no heading to the smoking room to share a cigar with your mates in these time--so it’s important to reach out. Try talking with a friend who has kids of their own, or seek out your friends when you can, and friends: Remember the new Dads you know and reach out to them—they may be whirling with the new reality and humdinger of it all…

3. Check out “The Early Days” by Old Man Luedecke….it pretty much sums it all up…

Matraea Centre 170 Craig St, Downtown Duncan 250 597-0085 Rupert Koyote is the managing partner of the Matraea Centre and local organic producer, operating Shawl Farm.