6 minute read
DID PTSD CAUSE
DID PTSD CAUSE YOUR Divorce?
By Carrie Fleetwood B.A., M.Ed., R.P. O.A.M.H.P.
If you’re like many divorced people, you still have a sad, sometimes resentful, nagging feeling when you reflect on what happened to your marriage. What became of the dreams you once had for a happy life together?
Could Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) have played a role in the erosion of your relationship? Might PTSD have been the enemy, and not your spouse? Perhaps you weren’t the spouse you wanted to be in your marriage because your PTSD left you with little control over who you became with the people you loved the most. Did you consistently overreact with a child who was emotional or feisty? Did you feel that your spouse or family members were attacking or manipulating you?
Let’s be clear that regardless of what we’ve been through, we’re responsible for our own behaviour. Prisons are full of people who didn’t control their urges and rages and who are now being held accountable.
That said, the symptoms and automatic
responses caused by PTSD can be very hard to control, and can have devastating effects
on a marriage. Without therapy and help with healing, PTSD can be the invisible monster that takes over your home, causing an endless cycle of trauma with the very ones who are most precious to you.
If your spouse has asked you – even once – to seek help, don’t wait for the tenth or the twentieth request. Don’t say “I’m sorry – but if you hadn’t said or done such and such, I wouldn’t have…” Do yourself and
your family a favor and find a good trauma expert to help you heal. This is something you can control.
WHAT IS PTSD? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE IN A MARRIAGE?
PTSD affects all ages, all ethnicities and all economic levels of society. Females
are more likely than males to suffer from it, perhaps because sexual assault/abuse and violence happen more frequently
to women. Research indicates that Vietnam War veterans with PTSD were twice as likely to divorce, and three times more likely to divorce twice or more. Intergenerational trauma can be passed down, with children who grow up with a parent struggling with PTSD showing signs themselves from a very young age.
According to psychiatry.org, PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event(s) such as a natural disaster, a serious accident or the resulting carnage, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape, sexual assault, physical/sexual abuse, or parental
neglect. It can also occur in those who have been threatened with death, sexual violence or serious injury. The onset of PTSD can occur immediately following a traumatic event, or much later when a person is unexpectedly triggered and reminded of a traumatic experience. The PTSD sufferer often withdraws into isolation and shame, not understanding what’s happened and sometimes blaming others.
While sufferers may be able to exercise control over their reactions in public settings, in their family lives debilitating symptoms and behaviours are common: flashbacks, nightmares, memory gaps, sleep and concentration problems, headaches, joint pain, startle responses, withdrawal, zoning out, avoiding intimacy, avoidance of noises, smells, places, people, conflict or perceived conflict, irritability and overreactions to everyday family life stresses. PTSD is often experienced as the “invisible wound.” The outer body shows no signs of damage but the hypervigilance, hyperarousal and devastation of the mind and spirit are what the family sees.
A spouse will often feel helpless and wonder why a partner is so quick to anger. Why is there a withdrawal from the family to be alone? Why not talk about what
happened? Angry outbursts and feelings of being detached and disconnected from themselves and from family members are common for PTSD sufferers. Those issues become even more disturbing if the sufferer abuses substances or over-the-counter medications in order to numb body tension and banish intrusive thoughts. Addiction creates only more pain and turmoil for the marriage and family.
DID PTSD CAUSE YOUR DIVORCE?
Do you look back on your marriage and see a never-ending cycle of overreacting to marital misunderstandings? Did you sometimes react abusively to your spouse or children? Do you remember watching your spouse slowly being worn down as a wall of defeat and loneliness grew between you? Did your children feel unsafe emotionally and sometimes even physically? Perhaps one or more
developed behavioural problems, amplifying the distress in the family.
You may have blamed everyone else but yourself in an effort to lessen your heavy burden of shame. Did you come to believe that you couldn’t trust anyone, not even your spouse? You may even have pointed to your spouse and kids as the problem when everyone was scrambling to manage the anxiety you were creating. You may have shared a self-righteous narrative with everyone outside the family in a bid for sympathy. But now that you’ve had time to reflect, you’re starting to see how every family member was stressed by your PTSD behaviours. It may be too late to salvage your marriage but healing can
happen and there is still hope for you and your family if you get help and learn how to take back your mind and body.
To help you deal with PTSD, please see some tips and ideas on the next page.
ACCORDING TO THE INSTITUTES OF HEALTH:
MORE THAN
ACCORDING TO THE SUBSTANCE ABUSE & MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES ADMINISTRATION (SAMHSA),
ROUGHLY
8o% OF FIRST RESPONDERS EXPERIENCE TRAUMATIC EVENTS ON THE JOB. 1 3 in
And because they face challenging and dangerous situations, first responders are at a high risk of developing PTSD as a work-related injury or condition. FIRST RESPONDERS DEVELOP PTSD. IN COMPARISON, THE INCIDENCE OF PTSD IN THE GENERAL POPULATION IS 1 IN 5 PEOPLE.
HEALING TREATMENT and
NO.1 READ
“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and “The PTSD Workbook” by Dr. Mary Beth Williams and Dr. Soili Poijula are both great books for you.
NO.2 NO.3
NO.4 DISCOVER DECOMPRESS BREATHWORK
You can easily find PTSD self-tests online that take only minutes to do and provide you with a score that will show various levels of severity. Check out the resources at the National Center for PTSD at ptsd.va.gov Try self-help practices such as listening to soothing music, having regular massages, taking warm baths and engaging in plenty of exercise to release body tension, improve breathing and encourage relaxation. Visit calm.com for a wealth of relaxation tips. Try breath prayers: taking a deep breath in as you begin to talk to God/ your creator (whatever your concept of this higher being is).
NO.5
NO.6 CBT EMDR
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can be a useful tool in dealing with cognitive distortions and negative thinking patterns. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Prolonged Exposure Therapy can also be very helpful.
NO.7 NO.8
NO.9 SUPPORT COACHING FAITH
Join a support group. No one will "get" what you are going through like they will. Consider using a PTSD Family Coach or the PTSD Coach app. Seek out faith and community resources and medical attention. Because antidepressant medications can ease the severe stress.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS:
PTSD IS VERY TREATABLE.
You may strongly resist the idea and want to avoid feeling vulnerable just when you’re trying desperately to hold yourself together, but there is hope for your future. Reach out to a trauma counsellor and to other supports as early as possible.
