The Unspoken Driver to Suicide: BURDEN

By: James Geering, Host of “Behind the Shield" podcast

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR THOSE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL IDEATION OR WHO HAVE LOST SOMEONE TO SUICIDE.

Steve's body shook violently as he sobbed, the swirling river below a blur from the tears that flooded his eyes. The ledge he stood on was razor thin, slick from the moss that clung to its surface. His hands gripped the rail, a battle raging between his body and broken mind. Images of his family flashed before him.

Joanna, the woman who stole his heart eight short years ago in a smoky bar in Oakland – the woman who taught him what it is to truly love. Another image, Joanna walking towards him at their wedding, veil hiding her beauty until their matrimonial kiss. Another flash, her exhausted yet elated face as she held Sophie, their beautiful baby girl. Then Brendan’s birth two years later, his deep brown eyes full of wisdom as if newly reincarnated from another life.

“Just jump already!”

The voice shattered the memories, bringing him crashing back to reality. The car sped off, laughter fading into the traffic noise behind him.

The mental slideshow began again but now the shadow self was talking. Joanna in tears after an argument about the dishes. He had come home from a double shift, exhausted and had taken it out on his family. “I’m a piece of shit!” he mouthed, shaking his head in shame. Another image, Sophie hiding behind her mother, petrified of her father’s anger. The fear in her eyes, a red hot poker through his heart.

He let out a moan, shaking his head as if that would cast the image from his mind. “They’d be better off without you!” The voice in his head had been saying this over and over again. “You’re weak; you’re useless.”

His hands began to lose the battle as the whiskey he had pounded back in the car began to numb his survival instincts. The invisible hand that had pushed him onto the steel bridge, that ensured his footing on the slippery rail, was fading. The voice grew stronger, “What are you? A coward?”

More images flashed into his mind. Some from his childhood, his abuser’s face staring down at him. Others from his career, the yellow sheet over the pregnant woman killed by the drunk driver. Her face haunted him in his nightmares. Joanna’s voice: “I want a divorce”. His sobs became wails both from pain and a subconscious hope that someone, anyone would come. But no one did. The cars kept on passing, oblivious to the emotional crisis that was happening mere feet from the road.

And then he jumped.

“Did you hear about Steve from Station 86?” Shannon said as they scarfed down lunch before another call came in. “Offed himself. So sad.”

“Sad? Cowardly you mean,” Brian hissed between gulps of Monster. “How selfish do you have to be to leave all that pain with your family?”

UNDERSTANDING THE STIGMA OF SUICIDE

AS WITH MOST THINGS IN LIFE, NOTHING IS BLACK AND WHITE.

I don’t think any of us escaped the stigma that was placed around suicide when we were young. It may have come from a religion, the two-dimensional facade of Hollywood masculinity or a host of other origins. The fact is though, we were wrong. So, so wrong.

After 14 years in the fire service and interviewing more than 800 people on my Behind the Shield podcast, I’ve had my eyes opened. As with most things in life, nothing is black and white. School violence is not only a gun issue, obesity is not just a fast food issue, and the road to suicide is equally multi-faceted.

The first issue is the impact of childhood trauma. We don’t ask what happened to first responders or military members before we ever put the uniform on. Many of us actually have significant trauma in our

early lives. I've heard hundreds of tales of sexual abuse, violence, addiction and abandonment from incredible, high-performing humans.

When addressed, trauma can become a superpower, allowing resilience and empathy that others may never experience. Left unaddressed, traumas are buried and left to fester. This can create a fractured foundation as we enter the uniformed professions.

Next is sleep deprivation. Every single sleep medicine expert, neuroscientist, physician, coach or psychologist I have interviewed agrees categorically that sleep deprivation negatively impacts mental health and performance. We ask our men and women to stay awake while others sleep, but give them next to no recovery time.

Lengthy 56-hour work weeks become 80 hours with mandatory overtime, which is detrimental to every element of human physiology.

The decay of brain health is further compounded by the impact on hormones, as testosterone plummets, causing further exhaustion and burnout.

The calls we respond to create an encyclopedia of trauma with a soundtrack of wailing, heartbroken family members. But more often than not, these are simply amplifying preexisting trauma.

This is then compounded by organizational stress and even betrayal. Motivated, passionate firefighters being written up for minor infractions during a daring rescue. Others discarded after a line-of-duty accident leaves them disabled. Most underestimate the crushing impact of being betrayed by the very tribe they had fought so hard to be a part of.

Then there is retirement, promotion or injury – the sudden removal from purpose, community and identity that can be so devastating for a first responder or soldier. We have created the perfect storm for crisis. Unaddressed childhood trauma, sleep deprivation, physiological breakdown, organizational stress, relationship problems, drug side effects, alcohol use. The once-healthy brain that fought to survive, to be there to feed, clothe and protect our children is now broken. This physiological and psychological miswiring begins to deceive, to convince us that we are a burden to our family, and to the world. For a man or woman who has sworn to lay down their lives for a complete stranger, this is a recipe for suicide.

Still think suicide is selfish and cowardly?

Current mental health campaigns focus on push ups or “Just call me if you’re struggling” advice, but people in true crisis aren’t functioning well enough to look up a suicide hotline number or play EAP Russian Roulette.

I can tell you that after hearing hundreds of stories from men and women who’ve been there and done that, they truly felt that they were a burden. They believed that suicide would be a selfless, albeit terrifying, act. They truly believed in their distorted minds that their family would be better off without them. The cries of “Think of your family!'' wouldn’t deter but would rather push them towards taking their own lives.

This was tragically illustrated by the law enforcement couple who took their own lives in Florida within days of each other, leaving behind their one-month-old son. It made zero sense to a healthy brain – but in that moment, I’m certain that they each thought they were doing what was best for their child. That’s the tragic irony of the vanquished mind. We must educate ourselves on the true compounding factors of mental ill health. Remove the toxic, judgemental stigma that has sent so many into the shadows and, ultimately, the grave. You cannot arrest away addiction nor humiliate people into losing weight. The same applies to suicide. A person in crisis is already riddled with shame and guilt and the current stigma surrounding it only compounds those emotions. We need to address this issue with kindness and compassion and create an environment for men, women and children to feel comfortable asking for help.

ARE YOU FEELING LIKE A BURDEN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY? THAT’S A RED FLAG WE SHOULD ALL BE LOOKING FOR.

Learn more about James Geering (who also is featured on the cover of this edition of CRACKYL) and his "Behind the Shield" podcast on page 40.