4 minute read
How to Study Your Partner
Presented by Suzette-The Marriage Warrior
Have you ever thought about studying your partner? Now, I’m not suggesting that you act as a therapist and analyze your partner, but taking a step back and studying your partner’s behaviors in a way that you could better understand them as a human. Couples who face crises often begin studying one another’s behaviors during argument cycles. However, because the arguments are used as a subconscious way to relieve pressure, the objectivity necessary for “partner study” is unavailable.
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In order for an argument to ensue, it requires at least two defensive power-struggle postures. To win a power struggle, one must prove a point through compelling arguments. However, as a result of this dynamic, a couple creates detachment, rather than alignment. An alternative method to the power-struggle dynamic is to just let go of your end of the rope and adopt an ability to study your partner’s action and reaction systems.
Typically, individuals know when their partner is angry, sad, happy, or moody. Spouses know what their partner enjoys and what bores them. However, most times, partners observe and learn these things from a selfish motive, rather than an intent to engage in relationship development. For example, when a partner thinks, “I don’t what to do this because it will make my spouse angry with me” or “I give my partner this because it makes them like me”. See… the motive is “self”. No one wants to view themselves as manipulative; however, this type of underlying motive is a subtle form of manipulation. Love is never manipulative but rather is selfless. Self-serving manipulation stems from an internal drive system to protect self from external forms of anger. Humans were not created by God to be abused, so we naturally steer away from aggressive angry, or passive-aggressive angry. However, although this is a natural and automatic instinct, is it the best approach within relationships?
Perhaps a better approach could be to study what “sets-off” partner anger. To do this, one must observe the patterns of their partner’s day, week, month, or events, to attain clues of the hidden underlying partner-pressures. The aggressive partner may be struggling with “powerlessness” in facing a situation that he/she cannot control.
Rather than addressing partner-anger, an empathetic approach that addresses partner-powerlessness may be more effective. Trading a defensive posture with an empathetic one will almost immediately change the course of direction. Replacing argumentative words with concern and compassion shifts communication to be more welcoming, rather than judgmental. Studying your partner as a human with needs, wants, triggers, and past can be a powerful tool that advances the relationship. Because as you become more interested in the internal wiring of the individual, it can be the key that unlocks the doors of vulnerable connection.
Rather than partner studying, couples choose to walk on eggshells or withdraw. However, the “I don’t care” position, or avoiding a situation, requires far more energy than does healthy confrontation. Partner-observing provides wisdom to appropriately select times to calmly discuss the observations with that partner. Properly approaching a partner is also important for healthy confrontation. Judgmental statements like “Why are you so angry? What’s wrong with you?”, will automatically place the partner in a defensive posture because it feels threatening. However, rather than using statements, approach the partner through the lens of observation with questions, such as, “Lately, I have noticed that you seem under-pressure, is everything ok? Can you share with me?” This approach can change the atmosphere to openness and compassion, which can reroute the course towards connection.
To fully understand your spouse, partner-triggers must be understood, as well; what they are and where do they come from. Triggers are part of an individual’s coping mechanism system that is developed during childhood. Although you may know about the childhood events of your partner, understanding how the events negatively impacted the way in which the coping mechanisms operate is paramount. Present events may trigger a child-developed method to cope with the current situation. This style of coping may seem odd to you; however, it is the norm for your spouse. For instance, if you know that your partner’s childhood events created inadequacy issues, then this knowledge can be utilized as a tool to understand that the partner-anger may be masking feelings of inadequacy. Rather than retaliating with defensive anger, use the knowledge to assist in approaching the partner with love, compassion, and comfort.
Practicing partner-studying will also provide valuable information related to partner love languages. Most people give love in the same language that they receive love. If a partner desires quality time, then that is what is given to another. However, this approach will fail because most people will not catch on to the game. Noticing what is triggering partner-anger or partner-complaints will immediately indicate the unmet love needs. Although these needs are disguised through abrupt, defensive responses, discovering what is behind the negativity is the key. Ultimate health is accomplished when individuals develop a strong enough self-esteem system that allows healthy self-expression of needs. However, because this type of self-expression is often absent, partner-studying allows opportunities that reach beyond such issues, inviting freedom to demonstrate partner-love.
Changing your lens can change your direction!
Warrior’s Wisdom:
1. Self-reflect and measure how many of your reactions are selfish in nature.
2. Recognize that relationship emptiness results from self-motivational systems operation. 3. Ask God to assist you in getting to know the totality of your partner, not just their behaviors.
4. Analyze whether you are giving out of your own love language rather than giving to your partner in their love language.
5. Develop strong self-esteem by increasing skills of ownership, identifying self needs and desire, and healthy self-expression.
