When God Withholds Miracles by Rachel Cardin

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I really wanted to wail, but I was seated in a crowded area waiting to be called to check out. The doctor had just confirmed by ultrasound that the twelve-week fetus in my womb did not have a heartbeat. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, the nurse gave me an appointment in two weeks to see if further intervention would be needed. I hurried out to our pickup truck and called to ask my husband to ride his bike to the hospital to drive me home. Even when he arrived and I cried in his arms, I didn’t let myself go completely. I didn’t want passers-by walking through the parking lot to stare. That evening, alone in my room, I finally wept and cried aloud. I begged God for a miracle, praying that at my next appointment the baby’s heart would be beating and that the pregnancy would proceed normally. I knew my God could do this. I believed He would.

I had never asked God for a miracle. I know He has done many things for me and my family, but we could attribute all of them to chance or fortuitous coincidence. This time, I was asking for something that no one could deny was a work of God. I imagined praising God for His goodness, sharing my faith with the doctors and nurses at the hospital. Surely the news would spread widely in our Southern Thailand town of the American lady whose baby came back to life.

I went about my regular activities, preparing Thanksgiving dinner for eighteen, celebrating my daughter’s fourth birthday, and shopping for Christmas. I prayed continually for the miracle, asking God to increase my faith. My body held on to the child within, and I hoped it meant that she was living and well.

Then contractions began. I still believed God could change the outcome. On the evening of December 6, sitting in my shower, I held my two-centimeter-long baby in my palm and cried out. It seemed like it would have been easier if I did not believe that God could have performed a miracle. Why would He not? Did He not love me enough? Did I not have enough faith?

I believe in miracles. I know my God is all-powerful. Yet since that day, I have struggled to truly grasp this truth in my heart. I still do not have the answers to the questions I asked that night. What I do know is that God loves me and knows me and longs for me to know Him. George MacDonald says, “Man finds it hard to get what he wants because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give because He would give the best, and man will not take it.” I want to be such that I would take God’s best, not what I think is best. Even now, I find it hard to accept that it would not have been best for my child to have been born and lived on earth. I must daily choose to trust God’s way.

Rachel and Jotham Cardin