MAY 2021 ~ ISSUE 6
EMPOWERMENT Issues That Matter To Women Featured This Month The Answer Lies in You, Mama
Domestic Violence In The Workplace
Keeping Me Small
Love is Love
Letter From the Editor This is the edition I was waiting to compose when we started the publication six months ago. This edition tells my story and the stories of others like me. Stories of pain, loss, triumph, power, forgiveness, healing and grace. A moment to note, promote and inspire others like them to move, to be and to change. This edition is filled with those stories. We started with one goal, to add value. And since that moment we have continued to grow, change and expand.Now we shift yet again. This is an influencer publication. Here we feature the engaging entrepreneurs, change-makers, trail-blazers, doers, dreamers, survivor-thrivers and thought leaders focused on the issues that have impact in our world today and the ripples these individuals are creating. Ripples of awareness, ripples of compassion, ripples of change in language, rhetoric and narrative, ripples of choice and ripples of impact. If you have ever wondered, what if, how could we or what would it take, this is the publication to be in. We remain a collaborative team with the same mission, to add value. We are always looking for people to write with us and for us. We love to promote good ideas, great people and local businesses. We want to support YOU! This edition marks a turning point for the magazine. This marks the moment that we shift from a monthly publication to a quarterly publication. Why? To expand to the next level as a publication. Exiting new prosperous and expansive collaborations with networks and individuals who have caught our vision, who share our mission and we need time to internalize, shift and level up. We are beyond excited for what this means for you, for our potential for impact and for the brand. To that end our next edition will be in September 2021 and will focus on Trans-itions. A powerful edition to be sure! First, let me say thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s been such an incredible journey to partner with each of our collaborators to put these first six editions together. We look forward with anticipation for the collaborations to come. Candice Smiley
We are fully transitioning to an Influencer Publication now through to September and we are moving to a quarterly publication from a monthly one. We are leveling up to allow more time for connection, influence and creation and we are excited for this shift so soon in our evolution. And we would love for you to write for us! To be considered for part of our September Transitions Edition please submit your articles, advertorials or stories to on or before July 15th, 2021. Our website will be changing to reflect the updated language and focus of our impact and outreach. You can view it in its current form at createtheripplemagazine.com. You can submit your article HERE And your images HERE If you have any questions you are welcome to respond HERE and one of the team will get back in touch with you ASAP.
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Candice Smiley Editor-In-Chief
Susan Binnie
Executive Managing Editor
Lonnie Gartner
Assistant Editor, Advice
Christina Giese
Social Media Coordinator
Caitlin Banks
Customer Relations Want to learn more about the team? Check them out here Or email us directly HERE
contributors
Robert Manolson Aime Hutton Jenna Pilot Sarah Grace Knutson Dr. Candice Staniek Jenn Oleksyn Lonnie Gartner Christina Giese Ainsley McSorley Earl Shindruk Jordan Guildford Ruthann Weeks Candice Smiley Susan Binnie
Contents
Susan Binnie................................. What Does It Mean To Be Empowered Candice Smiley.......................................My Mistake Was Trusting Them Earl Shindruk....................................... Empowering Women In Business Robert Manolson..........................................My Mental Health Journey Aime Hutton........................................................................ Love is Love Jenna Pilot.......................................................................Empower YOU Sarah Grace Knutson............................. The Answer Lies in You, Mama Jordan Guildford........................................ Have We Lost A Generation Lonnie Gartner. ....................................................................Ask Lonnie Dr. Candice Staniek............................................ Desire For Motherhood Christina Giese.................................... Empowerment Comes Full Circle Jenn Oleksyn............................................ Why The Scale Doesn’t Matter Lonnie Gartner............The Definition Of A Woman Doesn’t Fit In A Box Ruthan Weeks................................Domestic Violence In The Workplace Ainsley McSorley.......................................................Keeping Me Small
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I look forward to welcoming you to the Powerful Women Unite community. We are committed to bringing together powerful like minded women through story! When we collectively listen to another person’s experiences it allows us to tap into our empathy, compassion, creativity, motivation and inspires us to do better and understand each other from a new perspective. This community is for women who are ready to stand in their power and embrace the strength within. I do not want to see anyone go it alone. I want you to feel supported and more powerful. Join the community and feel more courage, confidence and strength. https://www.facebook.com/ groups/461143094346930/ See you on the inside. Susan Binnie Executive Managing Editor Powerful. Potential. Potent. By now it has become quite apparent that I am a full time collaborator and I love it. The combining of brilliance, ideas, power and presence makes the work lighter, the reach greater and the future brighter. I also have long had this sense that the world has gotten very noisy, busy and rather chaotic. There is a lot of grabbing energy out there...and why? If we choose to operate from a less is more mentality we would naturally be more inclined to do things together rather than add one more thing to the mix. As Create the Ripple Magazine shifts into the fall and our further expansion we are excited to continue to encourage our continued growth through the months that we do not produce an online edition with the strategic alliance with Powerful Women Unite. Powerful Women Unite was created by Executive Managing Editor Susan Binnie three years ago and this unique and poignant community continues to have an impact on their members and the world around them. We candidly invite you to join us inside this community for more of the Ripple Impact you have come to expect from us on a monthly basis here at Create the Ripple. We are always open to new collaborations and would love to find the right Men’s Focused group and the right Mental Well-being group as an addition as well. We look forward to continuing to grow with and within our community. Gratefully, Candice Smiley, Editor in Chief
Align your story with your purpose! Whether it be the purpose of your life, or the purpose for telling your story, learn what story to share when, and how you can have impact with your story. We are fortunate to have our very own story coach in house… Susan Binnie, our Executive Managing Editor, will guide you through a process to have the power to share the best possible story. Susan is offering a complimentary 60 minute Story Call to discuss how you can best position your story to create value and impact in the lives of others. Once you have a story, you will be able to submit it to Create the Ripple magazine. It also opens you up to be a guest on Create the Ripple podcast or to speak at Powerful Women Unite events as the keynote or panel speaker.
Book your call today
What does it mean to be empowered? Author - Susan Binnie
“Empowered” seems to be everywhere these days. We have empowerment coaches, empowerment movements. The dictionary defines the word as a verb, verb to give (someone) the authority or power to do something. An action word, I like that part. Words have power - this one seems to carry more weight than most. For me it means to be able to make my own definitions of words. To be successful on my own terms. To love myself without judgement and to decide for myself what is good for me. I align myself with supportive people so I can have an empowered life. It has not always been this way. I have felt lost and alone many times throughout my life. My mentors, my coaches, my clients, my children and my friends have all provided support since I became an entrepreneur in 2016. I realized I am on this earth to empower others which for
me is very empowering. The most empowered I truly feel is when I can empower myself. The key is to focus on what you want and need. Then decide and focus on what you can do, what will you do to get there and who are you? Declaring these things to yourself and to the rest of the world is a great place to start. Make sure you have an understanding about what the outcome you want is. Remain flexible and let it flow. As long as you have your head held high and are going in the right direction, you can be and stay empowered. If you feel stronger in your actions by dressing up, putting on makeup or wearing fancy shoes, then do that. Remember it is you that gets to decide what you need to feel empowered. Having encouragement from those you love and those in your circle is also important. Words of affirmation. Positive reinforcement… whatever works for you! You decide. Listen to the stories of others... you are not alone. We all need help at times. Truthfully? I had this word thrown at me this past week. It stung as someone was forcibly trying to empower me or move me from where I was to a place where I would have FELT empowered. It was triggering. It made me so angry. I think sometimes we can say I’m giving you “love and light” and actually mean, I think I know more than you or I think that I know best. I think this is the opposite of “empowerment”. It’s like giving a gift that reminds the person they need to change or something about them needs to be “fixed”. That’s unkind, and we have all been there. Me included. Empowerment might be more like motivation or inspiration in that it takes a particular amount of class, skill, kindness, compassion and empathy to deliver the message of em-
powerment in a way that actually moves the person to change, to act or to a genuine feeling of “I can do this”. Empowerment is a gift, and it seems to me that most of the time the gift of empowerment we are often most called to give is the message that we most need to hear ourselves. Maybe the ones who truly empower still embrace that message and meaning in their own hearts. My empowerment calling? To help people tell their stories. The way I get to watch people’s faces light up when the light goes on. The freedom they feel to move through the sharing of a heart story, idea, passion, healing or vision when they do. I also get to help people change the story they tell themself over and over, keeping them stuck spinning around and around in a hamster wheel. Staying busy, but staying in a constant loop going nowhere. If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out to me at susan@susanbinnie. com. I am more than happy to jump on a free 60 minute call to help you tell your story. Remember you don’t always have to be strong. It is okay to ask for help. If you feel that crying will help you feel more empowered in the end, then cry and release the emotions. Remember you are human… be kind to you and be Empowered! Susan Binnie
My Mistake Was Trusting Them
Author - Candice Smiely
My trigger. Abandonment. I am “left holding the bag”, “taking the blame”, “bearing the brunt”, “dealing with it alone” or “having to figure it out”. And, ultimately, the fault for that lies with me. I made the mistake. My mistake was trusting them. Trusting men. Trusting their well chosen words, their sincere eyes, their flowery words. I don’t think most of them did it from a place of malicious intent. I think some of
them honestly thought they would be different than the guy before them. Some did it because they are not “men”, they are little boys who still run to their mother’s skirt for protection. Boys who lack the courage to step up and take it on the chin. A few of them, I have come to realize, exhibit unhealed trauma behaviours. These are the ones who act from a place of anger or narcissism. Look at me even now, letting them off the hook. Offering suggestions why they might have behaved this way. Offering them a way out. When the reality is, they each also made a choice. A choice to back out, not step up, emotionally or financially withhold funds or affections, walk away, or intentionally harm. Maybe for once in my life the words out of my mouth to them, about them and here for you all to read is
this. Shame on you men... shame on you. Right now you are angry at the the #MeToo movemenment. You should be. We as women have been bearing the brunt of your narcissistic misogynistic behaviours for so many years. I feel the bile coming up the back of my throat as I think on it. Shame on you. Right now, you are outraged and are trying to do this movement, #NotAllMen. We, me included, know it’s not ALL of you. I have known a few good men. And each one of them has had to bear more than his share of the weight (just like I have) because of the rest of you. I know these men as the ones who step up to the plate… the rest of you leave at the table. Men like my father. Men like my grandfather. Men, who did and still do the right thing - EVERY damn time, no matter what it costs them emotionally, or physically, or
“Bravely tell your story, so that other women, who might be living defined and detained by their own shame, begin to live differently.”
mentally or financially. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. The feeling of powerlessness that comes from this feeling is actually the worst of it all. It feels like I’m gagged, muzzled, tied up. The physical abuse is real as well. The scars for some of those moments, just as hard to see. Hidden, save for the ones who dare, who are brave enough to get close. I’m an intelligent woman. I was raised in a loving home, with a great example of a man. I should know better. It’s hard not to immediately turn the anger inward on yourself. I have. I think I still do. And that’s my healing work. That’s my responsibility. And I think too, it’s my responsibility to speak out. To speak all the way out. To stop protecting them, shielding them. Part of the reason why I protect them is the shame I feel. The horrendous shame of being left, abandoned, raw, exposed and then to ask for help. From the place of, how can I trust myself? How could I ever trust myself again? How can I trust my own mind, heart or intuition? That’s the biggest of the wounds left me by men. This shattering of my own trust in my own soul. I have never made this list for the shame that comes from the personal responsibility that I take for choosing to be with, believe in or make agreements with these men. And today, I shake off that shame and put it where it belongs... on the human beings who choose to behave in these ways to me. The boyfriend who repeatedly touched me sexually and asked me to do the same when I was 17 and he was 24… even though I asked him, begged him and cried for him
not to. The boyfriend who wanted me to touch him in ways that made me feel uncomfortable. Who eventually stalked me, and I had to call the cops and get a restraining order against. To the cops, who would not believe my story or offer me their protection until my father came with me to the police station… then and only then, did they move to offer me protection, and support me to get a restraining order in place. They found a gun in his place. To the cops who questioned what I was wearing or how I brought the scary situations on myself. To the boyfriend who wooed me, dated me and then cheated on me. I took him back, and he took me to a bachelor party where I had to watch lewd acts that women performed on each other. And I was afraid to move or ask to leave… and when I did, the men around me wanted me to participate. It was a horrible and terrifying night. To the same boyfriend who got me a job working at a strip club. He sweet talked me into doing his bidding and his dirty work. That same boyfriend who cheated on me more times that I would want to admit all the while telling the story that I was anything but an innocent girlfriend. He would go on to leave the country after some embezzlement charges. He left me with over $350,000 worth of debt and no way to go after him legally. Believe me, I tried, but he was on a beach, and had put my name on everything. I was forced into consumer proposals, foreclosures and numerous lawsuits - thrust further into a world of devious and dishonest men. Unkind misogynistic men. Realtors, lawyers, accountants, pool
players, business owners, fathers and husbands (to very innocent wives!) and Hells Angels. There are places in Edmonton that I do not go any more. And I have considered changing my name and never coming back. He had the audacity to call me a couple of years ago and tell me that he missed me, and that I was the “one who got away”. Beware ladies. These predators will do it again if you let them. We cannot let these men get away with this anymore. To the boyfriend who threatened my life when I tried to leave… “because he loved me so much”, or threatened to kill himself - same reason. My dad had to physically meet him, under the guise that he would meet up with me, to “ask” him to leave me alone. To the business man and boss who wanted me to sleep with him and slut shamed me and told untrue stories to tarnish my name and reputation. I did a video about this on my YouTube channel. To the would-be-ex husband, who kept a little black book hidden in his drawer of all of the money I owed him. Even as I carried his child. Who is delinquent on years of unpaid child support (and thinks he has overpaid the little he has paid!), has never paid spousal support and continues to abuse me emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. The courts demand that this unhealed human being have access to my beautiful sweet daughter. And I continue to see trained therapists and support people to deal with the lingering PTSD that goes on from dealing with this person. This person who has been belligerent to my parents, our life insurance agent, has
yelled at my lawyer and our mutual counsellor… and me. He’s yelled many times at me. Yet, this is a person that I must share my beautiful precious child with? I don’t understand...any of this. This is the biggest muzzling, the biggest pain of them all. This fear that my child is in danger and no one cares. To the outside world, he plays the kindest most loving father when the world is watching but beware when the door closes. This last one I work the hardest to have compassion and empathy for. He is the father of my child. He grew up with an absent father, a mentally unwell mother and he suffered physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse from each of them throughout his childhood. Hurt people re-
“Beware ladies. These predators will do it again if you let them”
ally do hurt people, and I am afraid of the cycle of abuse continuing. And lastly… to the business partner who just cowardly refused to pay his part of the bills from the company we just dissolved. The company that I asked him to be a part of, the one that I took him from offering his services from $20 an hour to $33 to $150 in the time we worked together. The one where I was the one who brought him clients, introduced him to new people, to the accountant who got him back thousands on his previous filed taxes, and who has handled the bills as the company dissolves. This little boy still has his mother on his bank account, who has no doubt run to her and hidden behind her skirt to shirk his responsibility. Shame. On. You. All of you. And now, the pause. The breath. The deep shuddering breath. And the moment you know, deeply and intuitively, it’s just not worth being angry. But why, it might be time to speak out, speak plainly and speak loudly. Why it might be time to change the narrative in your own mind and heart and do the very very deep work to learn to trust yourself. And to bravely tell your story, so that other women, who might be living defined and detained by their own shame, begin to live differently. So, I’ll go first. That’s my shame ladies. That’s my shame. It’s my shame that this financial, mental, verbal, physical and emotional abuse affected my ability to be in the world. My unhealed shame and pain caused me to hurt others. To not be able to follow through on my word - without the courage to ask for help honestly for fear of the judgement and gos-
sip from other women. Ladies… we need to stop that. We must stop burning each other alive for our mistakes. We must or this cycle and others like mine will only continue. We must stop taking the side of men, and take the side of our sisters and stand in the gap and say - I got you. Let’s start laying the shame and the blame where it needs to be and gently, powerfully and gracefully calling up and out the men who need it. And guys, if you really are #NotAllMen, then you’d better be ready to back us up. Cause we’re gonna stand up anyway and you will be counted in one way or another. We are done with the misogynistic patriarchy and the years and years of accepted subtle abuse. We’re done for ourselves. We’re done for our daughters. And we are done for our sons. Will you step up to help us raise them? Raise them to be men? Cause I promise you, if you don’t we certainly will.
HOW TO EMPOWER WOMEN IN BUSINESS Author - Earl Shindruk
I
personally know and have worked with some strong and powerful women in business.
All of them want to empower and strengthen other women.
The women I know work in a variety of industry sectors, such as information technology, equipment leasing, law (both corporate and wills and estates), advertising, media, executive search, not for profit, beauty products, equipment leasing and executive coaching. Some work in the service of corporations, both large and small. Others own and operate their own businesses and display great entrepreneurial spirit. I have used and continue to use the services of many of the women mentioned above. My first corporate lawyer was a young female with a well known law firm in Edmonton. She has since moved on to increased responsibilities as corporate counsel for a large company in Ontario. Our first wills and estates lawyer was another woman who now works for a prominent financial services corporation. Our IT company is owned and operated by a female entrepreneur. We have supported and worked with many women since we started our business 23 years ago.
How They Began Their Careers All the women said that they chose their careers for a number of reasons. One of the first ones mentioned was that their leaders, managers and mentors saw something in them. The leaders had a bigger vision for them than they had for themselves. They saw things from a different perspective and would encourage their younger staff to rise up to their full potential. In most cases, that meant leaving the organization they were with and striking out on their own. Another reason was that they had passion for the work they chose to do and felt they could do a great job of it. They poured their energy and motivation into each occupation they chose. They had a burning desire to be successful.
Obstacles and Challenges to Overcome Were there obstacles to overcome? Yes, there were a lot of hurdles and roadblocks thrown in their way. Some of these were placed there by men who felt threatened by strong women and tried to dismiss them and discourage them. One woman said that her former business partner always put her down and made her feel inferior. Some of the other challenges are financial, as the women have to provide for their loved ones, sometimes by themselves with little or no support from others. And at times like we are experiencing right now with the Covid-19 pandemic, some of those challenges feel almost impossible to overcome. One of the biggest things I heard about from all of the women I spoke with was that they needed to learn a number of key things. One was how to connect with people, how to network intentionally and build long term relationships. Another was learning how to build a sustainable business with regular and loyal clients. A common theme was understanding how to manage money and cash flow.
All of the women expressed a great deal of gratitude for the support and care of family, close friends and other business associates. Some of them have formed groups of other women to continue to support each other.
Supporting Your Community All of the women that I know and spoke with are involved with their communities. They are passionate about helping others and contributing back to the community. They truly care about people in need. Some are involved with a variety of causes. They serve on not-for-profit boards and committees. They help out and often volunteer with a number of agencies. They help charities with fundraising activities, such as golf tournaments, galas and other events.
Mentoring and Empowering Other Women I find that women in business want to help other women in business, whether they are startups or existing businesses. Some help entrepreneurs while others work closely with C-Suite executives, often coaching and encouraging some of the best leaders in all types of businesses, including male leaders. All the empowered women helped younger women find their own voice. They helped them explore ways to express themselves and communicate to others. All of this was enabled as well as sharing with them how to stay true to who they really are. On a personal level, they said it was important to listen to their mentees and find out what their passions, visions and needs were. They would discuss challenges happening in their lives and celebrate successes with them. They would help younger women be and act better and stronger than they were before. They would teach them and instruct them. Sometimes they would show them how to do what they were struggling with. They would coach, challenge and encourage them. One of them said that what usually happens when you help others is like magic and enables us to solve our own problems. Another woman I spoke with had this great comment: “The transfer of knowledge and skills is a true empowerment that has a ripple effect for generations to come.” All of the women I talked with desired to make other women and men better. They wanted to build into the lives of others and help them grow. They truly cared about others. As they built their businesses and careers, they built up all those around them.
My Mental Health Journey One Year Into The Lockdown episode 2
“Why I Seek Help From A Psychologist & And What Actually Takes Place During My Scheduled Online Conversations” Author - Robert Manolson
I
f there’s one thing that has been absolutely certain during my crazy ride as
a
14
year entrepreneur, it’s that my life
has changed and that my life will keep on changing.
Mental
illness has impacted
both my work life and my personal life. But through it all,
I continue to surround myself with like-spirited people. People who “get it”! People who are very close and dear to me and fully aware of my ongoing daily mental and emotional health challenges.
As a male, I have had to learn and get comfortable with the simple act of talking about my depression and anxiety by reaching out for help from a psychologist. My bigger goal? To be a role model for men everywhere, especially men who are entrepreneurs, who really need to get comfortable with talking about their daily mental health and to get the help and support they need. In a recent study conducted by the Canadian Mental Health Association regarding the mental health and well-being of Canada’s entrepreneurs, the study concluded that 62% of business owners feel depressed at least once a week. Nearly half of the respondents, 42%, said that mental health issues interfere with
their ability to work. To learn more about this recent study: Check it out here! Did you happen to see the March issue of Create The Ripple Magazine? It’s quite the read! How crazy honoured I was to have 2 articles of mine featured in this particular online publication: ISSUES THAT MATTER TO MEN & MENTAL-WELLNESS. Candice Smiley is the creative genius behind
“Conversations with my psychologist are just that, conversations. And I like it this way” this poignant and on-point March edition. I thank Candice for honouring my commitment to being a mental health role model for men everywhere. Here’s the link. Did you also happen to see the April edition? In my article titled MY MENTAL HEALTH JOURNEY ONE YEAR INTO THE LOCKDOWN I wrote “Re-inventing one’s business is a big task. It is! It really is! And even much more challenging with our current pandemic economic conditions. The goal of returning to some sort of certainty with my business knowing that I was in “Revenue Recovery Mode” (Thank You EBA member for this term) meant that I had to be very attentive to my daily mental health. After all, I have experienced many episodes of depression and high anxiety during the full 14 years of delivering “in person” workshops and
I was determined to not go to that dark place this time around. The best thing that I did for myself was seek out the virtual services of a psychologist. Thankfully, my physiotherapist recommended someone who works in the same rehab clinic that he does and so I was able to get started right away. And it’s been a positive experience for about seven months now. Awesome! I’m quite accustomed to having the support of a psychologist in my life. This particular individual who I meet virtually every two weeks is actually now one of two health care professionals that I have accessed over the past many years. My decision to seek out the support of a different psychologist this time around had everything to do with my present situation. It is my personal belief that no one is immune to the many mental health challenges that all of us face during this time of the global pandemic, and this includes myself here. And be it that I am prone to experiencing great highs or great lows with my mental health ( this has significantly improved ) when significant change is upon me, it is quite common for me to keep in my back pocket, the idea of reaching out for the support of a psychologist. Cognitive behavioural therapy is the approach that we use in our shared conversations together, every two weeks. And I like it this way. We have conversations about the here and now, how I’m managing myself and my life with all the societal changes occurring due to Covid-19, negative thoughts and beliefs that get in the way of moving forward, and of course, how all of this impacts my mood. At the front end of our bi-weekly conversations, I am asked, “How would you rate your mood on a scale of 1-10 with ten being the
highest?” I’ve given myself a rating of six for many months but when I’m asked, “How would you rate your ability to manage yourself in a positive way?”, I always give myself a rating of eight! Conversations with my psychologist are just that - conversations. And I like it this way. I get to be the director of the conversation topics. This allows both me and my psychologist to be fully in the moment, to be fully present with one another while I draw upon our inner wisdom and take responsibility to make positive changes in my daily life. I like the fact that my psychologist is so wellversed on healthy eating habits, and the importance of sleep and exercise, and their impact on mental health. I also like the fact that we talk about the impact of having to shut down my business due to Covid-19, but that we also talk about my successes in life and my specific successes in moving my business to the online platform. Our conversations are both insightful and upbeat. I always draw strength from our connection knowing that if I continue to demonstrate care and compassion towards myself and not beat up on myself, I’m in a much healthier place of positive mental health for me, my wife Sharon and of course, our three cats Smooshie, Bear, Peppie.
Love is Love, and Violence is Violence
Author - Aime Hutton
A
s women growing up, we are taught to watch out for men who would hurt us physically.
Or violate us sexually. I remember that as a teen. Yet what I was not warned about were the unseen forms of violence. Any level of school should be a safe space for students to learn, grow, make connections, and friendships. I thought I was going to meet my future husband. That is what a friend of mine did a year ahead of me. I did meet a boy, he lived in the next room in the dorm beside me. He was sweet, had big blue eyes, and played hockey. We started dating. Things were great until they were not. Slowly he started to get jealous of things I was telling him that happened in high school. One day my boyfriend said in anger that he did not want to hear about anything I did in high school, because he was not there with me. He also did not like the fact that I was going out with friends on or off campus. He wanted me to stay with just him.
As I reflect on this time in my life, I was walking on eggshells every day. Always looking over my shoulder. Especially when I ended our relationship. He stalked me for the remaining years I was living on campus going to school full time and volunteering for a few different groups on campus. I had found my voice and told him enough. My boyfriend had been controlling, and physically abusive by choking me once. I thought it was love, I thought he did love me. He told me all the time, he told me as he choked me that he loves me so much, that he wanted to be with me, and only me all the time. What I know now that I did not know then is that emotional abuse and mental abuse is very real. When your partner wants you to stay with them all the time this is a form of control, emotional and mental abuse. When your partner becomes jealous of the things you did without him before meeting him, this is also a form of emotional abuse. When a boyfriend wants to know where you are going, and who you are with every second of the day this is a form of abuse. He is not letting you live your life. He is being emotionally abusive and controlling. I can remember one time my boyfriend did not see me leave in the early morning one Saturday. I was called off campus to help with some testing for St. John Ambulance. I did change my door sign to say ‘off campus’. Yet that was all. I was dropped off back to my dorm around supper time. A fellow peer saw me when I came into the dorm and went running down the hall saying that I was home, that my boyfriend could stop worrying. When
my boyfriend did see me, he came charging at me, kissing me quite forcefully and said that he was worried sick, that he thought I was dead in a ditch somewhere. He had even called hospitals asking if I had been admitted. He said to me he did not see me go to bed the night before and did not see me leave the dorm in the morning. Isolation is another unseen type of violence. My boyfriend was slowly starting to show signs of this. I can remember one Saturday afternoon, after being with him all morning, that he got upset at what happened next. A few of the girls in my dorm were going out shopping for semi-formal dresses. One of my friends invited me to come along. I said to my boyfriend that I wanted to go. He did not want me to go with them. He said that he wanted me, that he needed me,
“Isolation is another unseen type of violence”
that I was to stay with him for the day. He was upset that I was spending time with my friends. Another form of an unseen type of violence is around money. I have not experienced this, yet I have heard of women who are in a committed relationship and the husband has control of the money. He does not let his wife have any money. She must ask for some money to go and order groceries for example. The husband needs to see the receipt of all that was ordered and demands the excess money back. He will also approve the list of groceries before she goes to buy them. If there is something in the groceries that was not on the list, he gets mad. I share these things not to frighten you, but to educate you. To share my experience of an abusive relationship. Most of the abuse I endured was emotional, mental, and isolating. My boyfriend never hit me. There are people out there who want to help you. There are call centers for domestic violence in almost every major city in Canada. I share my story with organizations or post secondary schools who want to educate their members or students/faculty about the unseen forms of violence that one can experience in a relationship. I invite you to reach out to me to discuss this opportunity. The damage I survived still lingers with me today, I live with anxiety and PTSD from my abusive boyfriend, and other things I experienced as a young girl in elementary school, that I hope to share with you in another article.
Aimee Hutton is a true miracle survivor. Being born 3 months early was just the start of the challenges Aime has overcome in her lifetime. Hailing from Calgary, Alberta Canada, as a Youth Diversity Advisor, Aime helps educators facilitate safe spaces for young female students so they can instill connection, inclusion, and courage in themselves. As a 5-time international best-selling author/compiler Aime shares hope, healing, and inspiration through her writing. She was a finalist for the International Femtor Awards 2015 for eWomenNetwork in the category of Business Matchmaker from Dallas, Texas, USA. Being 1 of 6 in North America, and the only Canadian. In 2017 Aime was awarded the Peace & Friendship Award by Diversity Magazine in Alberta for being one who celebrates, accepts, and learns from the Indigenous people of Canada. Currently Aime sits on the Gender and Sexual Diversity Advisory Board with the Calgary Police Service, as well as she represents Alberta on the National Network for Mental Health Alliance Board.
The Soulfully Empowered Mother 4 LIES SOCIETY HAS TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW TO COPE AS A MOTHER
... And how to reclaim your power as the goddess you were born to be Most parenting culture was created for the convenience of men. (no wonder mothers are struggling, losing their identities and yearning for a lost connection with their souls!)
Soulful Mama, it’s time to redefine motherhood and reclaim your inner Goddess! Goddess Codes for Soulful Moms, and information about the Soulfully Empowered
Mother Course: www.soul-birth.com/goddess Main Webpage: www.soul-birth.com Email: sarahgracewellness@gmail.com
Sarah Grace Knutson is an International Best-Selling Author, Founder of SOUL-Birth Personal Empowerment Coaching for Soulful Women and creatrix of The Soulfully Empowered Mother course. Sarah specializes in guiding Soulful Mothers to rediscover their unique identity beyond Mom. This is through deconstructing the beliefs and societal programs that confine them, and helping them reconnect with their authentic truths so they may create empowered, joyous lives. Combining energy-work, intuitive coaching, Belief Re-Patterning® and simple personal practices, Sarah helps you align with your soul, clear your mind of old, stuck patterns, and build confidence through divine self-love and authentic inner power.
Empower - YOU Author - Jenna Pilot
EMPOWERMENT, I just love saying this word out loud, it always gives me goosebumps and an exciting vibe throughout my body. The definition of one being empowered is to become stronger and confident, to claim your power and advocate for what is right for you. Sounds powerful right? But what is it really to be empowered? How does one actually empower themselves? These are the questions that I hear a lot with the women I work with and honestly, these questions filled my mind many years ago. Before I explain what empowerment or empowering may look like, I want to share a story. This is a story of a young woman in her 20s, she literally did everything that was the opposite of empowerment. This woman consistently gave her power to others, instead of stepping outside of her comfort zone, she danced quite comfortably in that zone. This woman focused on pleasing everyone around her, she danced in her limiting beliefs, shame, perfectionism and trauma. She continued to stay stuck in this dance and always looked outside herself for solutions and love. This fear engulfed her and allowed her to reaffirm her self criticizing beliefs. Until one day she asked herself a question “Is this going to be my life, am I always going to feel this way?”. The answer was no, she wanted so much more for herself. That young woman was
me and that question was the first point where I started to shift and started to get curious about why disaster and pain followed me. In that brief moment when I got curious, I started to empower myself because I was choosing something different, I was choosing a different step in the dance. I was choosing a different response, a different direction and a different feeling. I share this story as I know it will align with some readers who are exactly where I was, stuck in fear and limiting beliefs. I share it as I want you to know that you are not alone and that you also have the ability to empower yourself, you can choose differently. The opposite of empowerment is fear, always remember that. What is fear? Well, it is false, evidence, appearing, real, let’s say that again false, evidence appearing real. When we are in a place of fear, we tend to gravitate towards self-sabotaging behaviours, that keep us in our comfort zone, which is usually our unhealthy zone. So, again the question of how does one empower themselves and move past the fear? I believe the steps towards empowerment are right in the word.
E - Energy, Align with the ENERGY you want to be! M - Movement, Move your body every day to release the old and allow space for the new! P - Pushing past FEAR, Feel the fear and do it anyway! O - Opportunity is everywhere, notice the opportunities and go for them! W - Winning, Celebrate every single win that you have! E-
Everything is about YOU and starts with you, when you realize this everything changes!
R - Reclaim your power, own and share your story! M - Motivation, keep going, keep pushing! E - Evolve, always continue to learn, grow and align! N - NO, saying NO to what doesn’t serve you! T - Transform the limiting beliefs into self-love affirmations! It only takes one different choice or move to empower yourself. Just by reading this magazine or article, you are empowering yourself, see it can be that easy! Living a life of fear will only keep you stuck in the fear, decide that you are worth more, do something different, something better and take that step towards empowering you! Take the next step towards empowering you by booking a free 30 min call with me to transform that fear into power. Contact me today
The Answer Lies In You, Mama I
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Author - Sarah Grace Knutson
experience means for mothers on a global scale.
Who’s in for a bit of a ride? It all started with a phone call. I was speaking with a walk-in doctor at my usual medical clinic, asking about antibiotics for a possible nipple infection that made it hard to breastfeed my daughter. When I say hard, I mean, “Oops, I squeezed my child because I was cringing and trying to breathe through the shards of glass pain but couldn’t relax my muscles.” I’ve been nursing babies for nearly 5 years, except for the 6 months between weaning one child and birthing the next. I have experienced and educated myself about a huge number of nursing challenges, natural solutions, and when it’s time to reach for medication. I normally trust my various essential oils, warm sea-salt, apple cider vinegar, vitamins and dietary supplements to handle what ails me before feeling like I need to bring in a doctor, and it almost always works. If I was expecting to get flack about anything from the doctor, it would have been the natural remedies, since many of them are viewed
as ridiculous by some health professionals (despite mounting legitimate evidence to the contrary). But no, that’s not where he went. His first question was “How old is the baby?” Ok, fair question. I responded, “She’s almost two.” Then, with condescension and even an incredulous laugh in his voice he brazenly asked, “Well then why are you still nursing? You clearly should have weaned by now!” This was followed by a lecture on infant nutrition, iron rich baby cereals, and what felt like an overbearing assumption that only a silly, uneducated woman would continue to nurse at this age. And this, my friends, is the exact moment that defines an incredible challenge for mothers and women the world over -- regardless of the subject matter. I could give you a thousand reasons why I’m still nursing my two year old. I could write a book on bonding, attachment styles, and nurturance. I could talk up one side and down
the other about the nutritional density of my milk. I regularly wax poetic about the insurmountable wisdom of a mother’s body, heart and soul and the importance of listening to what we know in our hearts instead of what we hear from outside sources… And yet, in that moment…. I felt the rug being pulled out from under all of it. I felt gaslighted and ridiculed. I felt shamed. For a fleeting moment, I shifted into the mind-frame of who he seemed to think he was talking to. A senseless woman with no knowledge of what is right for my family. He assumed he knew better than me and that he had the right to make me wrong. Why? Because he has a medical degree? Maybe, or maybe it’s something else. Maybe his dominant subconscious programs are still steeped in the patriarchal assumptions that women are less-than, that we have no domain over our own bodies, or even the way we raise our children. Maybe deep down he still believes that any of the knowledge or wisdom that mothers have isn’t as important as what he thinks he knows about things. Yeah, I’m familiar with this prescribed idea that nursing should only go on for 6 months and then you get your baby onto iron rich formula and baby cereals. However, my child doesn’t eat formula or baby cereal. She has real food just like I do - a nutrient rich diet (yep with iron too), whole-food based supplements, and breastmilk. Please spare me your formula pushing propaganda, because I know it’s a leftover relic of an era where nursing was frowned upon in general and was to be hidden from the world if you did it at all. Which is not to say that I think formula feeding is wrong - there are many families who go that route for perfectly valid reasons. What
“I could write a book on bonding, attachment styles, and nurturance. I could talk up one side and down the other about the nutritional density of my milk”
I’m saying is that NOBODY has the right to question my choices or assume I’m uneducated just because I don’t do things the way they think I should. It’s not anyone’s business except mine and those I offer it to. And it’s not just this ideology regarding how I ought to feed my child, this happens on the topics of how you manage your pregnancy, what tests you receive, where you choose to have your baby, where your baby sleeps, nursing and feeding, parenting styles, school choices… to name just a very few. It doesn’t end there. Let’s be honest - the gaslighting and shaming of women and mothers is prevalent across our whole culture; professionals thinking they are the expert on your body or your life, even though you’re the one who is living it, to the degree that your own experience and innate wisdom is often ignored or even put down as imaginary. It may also come from family, or other mothers who think they know better, or basically anyone with an opinion. Sadly, I see it undermining the well being of the very women people they think they are trying to help. People are pushing “agendas” on women and mothers from every direction and clucking their tongues at anyone who doesn’t obediently fall in line or who questions the leading narrative at the time. It’s EXHAUSTING! Especially if said mother is uncertain about where she stands. So what’s the answer? Do all those people need to shut-up? Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe they could learn to advocate for what they believe in a way that isn’t assumptive or prescriptive, but I don’t actually think that’s the most powerful answer. The answer lies within each individual mother. The answer lies in you, mama, reconnecting with your inner wisdom, inner guidance, and innate power. It lies in you connecting with yourself so deeply and solidly that nobody can shake your trust in your intuition and faith in your inner voice. In preparation for my online course, The Soulfully Empowered Mother, I surveyed dozens of Soulful Mamas with kids aged 0-12 about the kinds of challenges they experience as moms. Some really poignant patterns emerged from the numbers. Seventy percent of the respondents found themselves often questioning their inner knowing due to the opinions of health professionals, other “experts” or even family members or friends. Yet, in the same survey, only 48% said they expected to learn about trusting their intuition in a course on mothering. There was a 22% gap between these mothers acknowledging the challenge and believing there’s a solution. Women in general have been so conditioned to ignore our own voices and bow to the will of others that we have lost touch with our deepest wisdom, and based on the numbers from my survey, some of us don’t even believe that we deserve to get it back! But mama, your inner wisdom is not gone! Oh no - it’s more robust than ever - it’s just buried. Buried under a cacophony of opinions, ideas, experts, backlash, criticisms, harsh words, fear of judgement, limiting beliefs and subconscious programs, mostly based on societal conditioning, the experiences we had when we were little, and even passed along to us in our genes.
“I normally trust my various essential oils, warm sea-salt, apple cider vinegar, vitamins and dietary supplements to handle what ails me before feeling like I need to bring in a doctor, and it almost always works.”
I was there once too, turning to google for every little thing - feeling my intuition but not having enough faith to listen - defaulting to outside sources, which usually only led to deeper confusion - feeling lost as a mother feeling anxious instead of confident - not really being present in the moment - losing the quality of my life. There was a time when those words, “What are you doing nursing a two year old?” may have triggered a complete crisis, so I have massive gratitude for the tools I already had to overcome this. Using my own techniques and practices that I offer my clients, I became able to discern which voice in my head was anxiety about not doing the right thing, and which voice was intuitive guidance. I quickly learned to tell these voices apart, strengthen my intuition, and quiet the anxious voice by actually healing the traumas and insecurities that led to this pattern in the first place. My Soul-Birth System of Transformation, which I have weaved through each of the 8 modules in my Soulfully Empowered Mother online course is simple, powerful and quite profound. It is the road to personal empowerment in any area you could think to apply it to. In the program, we focus on your personal evolution as a woman and mother (releasing the old icky patterns and creating new juicy ones that feel good in your life). We allow your authentic truth to emerge by aligning with the deepest parts of you that have been yearning to be brought into your daily life. We facilitate your highest empowerment by no longer putting your power outside of yourself. We do this in the areas of self-care, self love, the spiritual journey of motherhood, connecting with your inner goddess of creation, emo-
tions, rage, relationships, boundaries, and your relationship with your body. This is a course for moms that is not actually about parenting your children. It is 100% about your relationship with yourself, which is the foundation upon which everything else in your life is built. At the beginning of this story, I mentioned that the doctor’s words shook my foundation - but I want to be clear that it was only for a brief moment. His words shot through to the part of me who remembers being squashed and silenced, and I felt myself waver for a moment, but then I felt a fire rise up inside me. The empowered goddess that I am at the core of my being then spoke, “I don’t think your question has any relevance to what I’m calling about.” When he proceeded to lecture me on infant nutrition, I calmly stated “I’m perfectly aware of what my child needs, and I’m not calling about my child. I’m calling to discuss antibiotics, can we focus on that please?” Because I was able to do so from an empowered place that wasn’t defensive, uncertain or argumentative, he backed off and honoured my request. That’s how it works. The world responds to the way you carry yourself. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping you become authentically empowered, confident and sovereign in your truth. Because it will change your life, and then it will change the world. For the record, it soon became clear that this doctor didn’t have the slightest clue about nursing complications. I would have been better off visiting a prescribing pharmacist at the drug-store. Also, for the record, I didn’t end up using the medication. By the time I went to get it, the sea-salt soaks and colloidal silver
had paved the way back to nursing joy! I later went to my online group for breastfeeding moms and posted about my experience, and I actually got more valuable tips, insight and suggestions from the other moms than I did from the doctor. Let this be a lesson about the value of community as well. I’ve long believed I benefit from the love of my village more than I do the advice of professionals and in this case it was true. Doctors have their place. I’m not saying they’re bad. Many of them are incredible. I’m just observing that the history of western medicine is so steeped in the paradigm of patriarchal control that we still have a ways to go in writing a new story. We don’t get there by trying to force change upon the system though, we get there by changing ourselves from the inside out and then creating a new system that will make the old one obsolete. Many are already doing so. I invite you to be one of them by joining me in The Soulfully Empowered Mother. You get 10% off any package you choose if you found it through this magazine. Just enter the discount code RIPPLE for your special “Create the Ripple” price! Does this light you up? Is there a fire in your belly? If it feels aligned for you, my Goddess Codes for Soulful Mamas is available to you for free at www.soul-birth.com/goddess. At the very end of the Goddess Codes is a more detailed description of The Soulfully Empowered Mother course. Go read, be inspired, and jump in - for YOU, for your empowerment in this world, and for your babies who are learning how to be empowered in this world by watching you. I’m so excited to see you shine.
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Have We Lost A Generation? Author - Jordan Guilford
Bra burning, #metoo, down with Harry Weinstein and many other known misogynistic men! The age of the empowered woman is here, and women are ready to have the same rights and lifestyle which have traditionally been afforded to men. Women are now developing and cherishing highly active social lives, chasing their dreams, leaving marriages more and having an unwavering awareness that they too are living their lives as they raise their children. “YOLO” living is at its peak and we are not looking back. Most women are unwilling to press the pause button until their children are grown and have opted for leading by example to redefine what it means to be all that is a woman. Both men and women have the undeniable right to this reality. However, does having the right mean it is right? There has been an unintended cost through this new wave of empowerment, our children. Never has there been the amount of porn, technology, temptation, drugs, alcohol and so on in front of children with less parental supervision and leadership. Girls as young as 10 are looking up how to perform oral sex on the phones their parents purchased. Boys are expecting nude photos and lose interest if prepubescent girls refuse which in turn leads this young girl to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and ultimately confused as to whether she was in the right or wrong. Is this all children, no. Yet many have experienced some form of these situations which are made
significantly worse as children begin to have sex influenced by the ever present ‘porn culture’. Pornography is used as a guiding light and unquestioned source of what real sex, bodies and relationships are supposed to look like. As society shakes its head at this up-andcoming generation, I would suggest it is time we not only take responsibility for our role in it but also take action to do what we can to re-educate those we can and make changes to compensate for unintended yet very much present pitfall of this new and glorious shift to the empowered woman. Like it or not, the traditional set up of the home meant that children had support, eyes on them and consistency which allowed them to go through the usual trials of teenage years without the same pressure to grow up at light speed as they do now. We have now given them the temptations of adult life, without the guidance, discipline, and structure to navigate it. ents need to rise above all the smoke and be We need to come together and understand willing to come together for their children. that the most critical piece of the future is I know many will read that and think it will our children. Children are now being sent never happen. Most would have assumed the out into the world after having the lack of abolishment of slavery, women getting the time spent with their parents vote etc. would also have never compensated for by gifts, privhappened, and we know how “It is time to stop ileges, and other things given that turned out. from a place of guilt and preswashing our hands of Children hear about sex in sure to keep up with other pargrade five or six. They typicalwhat is happening ents. Many parents feel they ly learn about healthy relationand take back the should be able to do what they ships in grade nine and at that want with their children and role of leadership point, they have already been again, no one is disputing your sexualizing each other without with our children” right to shower them in gifts, interruption of even the idea but is your right, right? of what it means to be in a We need a new shift. A new uprising and it healthy relationship versus an unhealthy one. needs to be that of an empowered parent. On top of that, the examples used to teach To hell with the marital status. Be done about relationships are often through the with the pressures of competing with your context of sex. ex for more popularity with your kids. ParIt is time to stop washing our hands of what
is happening and take back the role of leadership with our children. Live the life you were born to live. Do not press that pause button but do come together for the sake of the children. We are always stronger united. Be an empowered parent, guardian, community member and band together to save our kids. If we do not, we have lost the right to complain, and point the proverbial finger their way for they, like us, were made and will forever have to overcome or be enhanced by what their parents have created for them. -Jordan Guildford CEO/ Founder of Gems for Gems
It’s time to take back the role of leadership with our children
Jordan Guildford is a small-town Nova Scotian girl who moved to Calgary in 2014. After initiating an extraordinarily successful Jewelry Drive to give gifts on Christmas morning to survivors of domestic abuse, she made a critical observation which would change everything for her. The public wanted to mobilize for survivors but with the recession already devastating the city, they desperately wanted to use their skills, time, and energy to make a change. This led to Jordan creating a national charity called Gems for Gems focused on bringing an end to the cycle of domestic abuse in collaboration with the public. Gems for Gems has gifted over 18,000 gifts on Christmas morning across the country, assisted thousands of survivors with essential skills (financial literacy, preventative self defence, resilience and psychological coping skills) and empowerment, built a scholarship program for survivors and, launched an ambassador program comprised of men and women all unified under the same mission. The Gems for Gems Ambassador Program spans across Canada and the U.S. as well as having three celebrity ambassadors within the team. Jordan Guildford Consulting has also been created to give organizations and start-ups the ‘leg up’ in mobilizing the community around them with a focus on impact and the spirit of giving back. “Everyone can be a meaningful part of change by uniting and understanding we will always be stronger together”. -Jordan Guildford Articles/studies connected to the above content https://www.netnanny.com/blog/the-detrimental-effects-of-pornography-on-small-children/ https://www.jpedhc.org/article/S0891-5245(19)30384-0/fulltext https://aifs.gov.au/publications/effects-pornography-children-and-young-people-snapshot https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200406-what-leader-are-you-it-depends-on-your-parents https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0890856709645500 https://spssi.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1979.tb00814.x
Ask Lonnie
Dear Lonnie,
I have a tendency to self sabotage the good in my life. I’ve been considering doing shadow work, but what would you suggest for me to empower myself to go after the life I want? To trust the good that’s already in it? And to make sure that I don’t continue to self sabotage myself? Signed, Self sabotage
Dear Self sabotage, You are not alone, especially lately, there are many people finding that they are sabotaging the good in their life. The good news is you are aware that you have been doing this. That is the first step. Shadow work is very in depth. It will be very emotional, and I suggest before you even start that, you make sure you have a support system in place. Someone or some people that are capable of standing beside you while you dive deep into every aspect of your life, past and present. Another alternative to the shadow work would be to take a good look at what has worked in your favor and what hasn’t. By examining where we have said yes when we want to say no and vice versa, we can get a clear idea of what we like and love and what we don’t. The things that make you uncomfortable when you say yes\no to, those are the important guidelines to follow for yourself. The feeling of uncertainty is very different from the feeling of a gut yes or no. To learn to trust the good that is already here, you must start with trust of self. Examine where and why you have trouble trusting yourself in your decisions. Self help books and podcasts are great tools to utilize that can have a positive impact on your thinking, decision making, outlook, second guessing yourself and responding rather than reacting. I can recommend a couple of books to start with, “Stop Self-sabotage, by Dr. Judy Ho, PHD” and “The Mountain Is You, by Brianna Wiest”. I suggest to get the most out of the self-help books, you take notes, highlight the areas that really resonate with you or make you stop and think. Gabby Bernstein is also a wonderful author and speaker to look into. You can purchase her books, find her on YouTube and throughout social media. You could also look at hiring a coach or mentor that specializes in habits, transformations, blurting out an answer, meditation\calm moments, journaling, grounding or any other way you could take care of your mind, body and spirit. To break the self sabotage habits and to bring trust into your life is going to take some work and some dedication from you. It will have its really hard moments but also, it’s really wonderful and rewarding moments. Do not give up! I believe in you! I See You, Lonnie
Dear Lonnie, I hear the words like empowerment coach and transformational coach all the time. What is the difference and how can I find the one that is right for me? I feel like there are so many people and options, how do I make sure that I find the support I need but do not get burned? Signed, Which coach
Dear Which coach, Great question! The transformational coach is about creating transformations big and small throughout one or all areas of your life. It is about helping you to create necessary changes in your life. From the way you view yourself and others, to the way you handle everyday situations or crisis issues. It can also be helpful in dealing with deep emotional wounds. Empowering coaching is about helping you tap into your confidence and ways of self improvement. To help fan the flames of the fire that is already within you. They help you with accountability, feeling strong and secure within your decisions and actions. Bringing your inner power to the surface of your life so you are able to go after your dreams, goals and ambitions with a hunger. I suggest that you spend some time in a few of the coaching groups that you can find on social media, both transformational coaches and empowerment coaches. By being in their groups and experiencing their energy, information, knowledge and skills that they bring to the table will help you find the person you feel you can connect and resonate best with. That is the coach I would suggest you go with. When you resonate with a coach, you will get the most out of it, and it will reduce the risk of you paying for a program or a coaching service that is not right for your needs. I also suggest reading the contract they have for any service they offer, to check about refund policies or how they will handle any issues that may come up. Do not hesitate in asking them questions either! How they respond is a big deal and will give you an idea of how they will interact with you during your time working together. I wish you much success, Lonnie
Have a question for Lonnie? Click here to get in touch!
Desire for Motherhood Author - Dr. Candice Staniek
From a very young age, I have known that I wanted to be a mother. I cannot explain HOW I knew, I simply just knew. In fact, I was 9 years old when I first remember having the desire to be a mother. At the time, I knew I wanted to have twins. As in many families, siblings and cousins started having children but not me. Child after child, one by one. I will not lie. At times, I felt jealous secretly wishing it was my turn. Part of the reason for the disappointment and jealousy was that my “ideal age” was approaching and there was no suitable partner to start a family. I did have someone in my life at the time. However, red flags started flying when I noticed that he was jealous of me spending time with my niece and nephew. He felt left out. Thankfully, I could see that we would be jealous of our own children so I put the breaks on and moved on! By my late 20’s, I had decided to return to school to pursue medicine. For a
“will I be able to find the right partner, will my body clock last long enough to have children, will I have the energy for thechildren, it is getting to late to have children?” little while, I felt thankful that I did not have a child to care for, as I was not sure how I could have done both. I know many people do, but I ended up getting a virus that left me extremely tired during medical school and I could barely function myself let alone looking after someone else. I cannot say for certain that I have not had the opportunity to have children. It simply was not right! The circumstances didn’t permit it. Over the years, this has left me in a process of on-going grief. Why might you ask? You see the thing is, when you know you desire a child and you have been waiting 20 years, then 30 years it leaves a mark on the heart and womb that something and someone is missing. Remember me mentioning all the loved ones around me announcing their children? Consider how many pregnancies I have been witness to over 30 years. Each time that has happened, I have had some sadness come up within myself wishing it was my turn to announce my child. So sadness is one element and the second element is faith that my turn will come. You might be wondering why I’m even sharing this story. Well, I’m likely not the only woman who deeply desired children and didn’t find a partner until later in life. Many of the concerns going through a woman’s head as she moves towards the late 30’s include: will I be able to find the right partner, will my body clock last long enough to have children, will I have the energy for the children, is it getting too late to have children? If a woman practices faith, these questions may not have straightforward answers and it leaves one to fully embrace divine timing. My request is for you to consider the women around you when it comes to Mother’s Day. Even though we don’t have children, it doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t want children. Rather, we are taking our time to find Dr. Candice Staniek the right partner who wants to raise a conscious child.
Empowerment Comes Full Circle
Author - Christina Giese
Empowerment. This word truly resonates with me. Having recently changed career paths and following my passion in fitness, it was truly empowering in itself. In my heart, my passion is fitness. It exudes from every part of me. I knew that this was the path for me and I needed to take it and run with it. It’s scary to think that we could have ‘less’ without realizing we’d have MORE later. With my 9-5 job, I had steady, reliable income and with fitness training it’s a bit of a guessing game, especially starting in the middle of a pandemic. Did this mean that I shouldn’t go ahead with what was rightly set in front of me? No. I just needed to find the right support system and path to get me to the big picture I see at the top of the mountain ahead. When I finally made my decision, in both my head and my heart, I believed that I was moving ahead and leaving important people behind; not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to. I felt alone. Now you might wonder how that could be possible. I am married, have 3 wonderful children, and come from a large family of 8. However, I felt like this path I was walking on was solely my own. When I first mentioned pursuing this new career with my husband, I think he truly wanted to support me, but he didn’t know how. Or maybe his way of accepting my change in career paths was more about being tolerant of it. It’s something I questioned up until recently. Was it deeper than that? For a time, I believed it was an issue of trust. Trust that I will still be able to help support our family, make time
for our family, and be with our family. Maybe even a possibility that he felt like I would leave him behind while I was pursuing something I loved. It was all new territory - A little scary I am sure. Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn’t, but this feeling of mistrust started pouring into our relationship. I felt untrustworthy and this made me feel lost. I always found myself trying to prove I was doing the right thing, doing what was best. I began prefacing every story, exciting, funny or even embarrassing, in hopes that it wouldn’t trigger some kind of mistrust. It seemed to be better received if I did, or maybe I thought it did. For a while, this worked. We lived our lives like everything was normal, and we were back to a good place. Jump ahead to the present – I finished my personal training certification and was ready to build this new career. I was finding new clients, and was lining myself up for success.
“Here I am finding myself filling everyone else’s cup from my own, empty, cup”
They saw it too. For once, I felt me. Free to be me. I felt I felt every move I made was inspired to keep going, and I felt empowered. What a getting me that much closer feeling that truly is – it’s like brand to the top of that mountain. new buds forming new leaves on Then one day, it hit me. I was my main tree branch – new, free, sort of moving along with tunand always longing for more. nel vision, going with the moSoon, more things started to mentum. It is like a tree – the fall into place, that support left branch was abundant with branch was being mended. It thick leaves; my business – lots of was developing thicker bark, growth and excitement. The right so to speak, bridging that branch was my dream and goals, gap. You must be wonderagain ever changing, blowing in the ing how this all relates back wind, but still abundant. The large to fitness, after all, this is a branch, the one that goes straight up fitness column. Let me exto the top of the tree, was my family, my plain, I want every single one support structure – it had some leaves, of my clients (and future clients) to feel truly empowered. I see their the kids were growing and changing, but end goal, and I believe in them to get there. I my main branch of support was cracking. support them in more ways than just tossing I found myself trying to take care of my heavy weights around. I encourage them to family, while working a full-time job, a new be their best, do their best, and feel their part-time job, training clients in 2 different best. I motivate them to continue on the locations, running a new business, and getpath they’ve chosen, to continue to work ting more certifications under my belt. I was towards their goals. Believe in the projuggling schedules left, right and centre. It cess. And I sure as heck hope to inspire was my way of trying to keep everyone happy; them to see beyond what their heads while feeling ‘less than’ myself. I was trying to and hearts can imagine. That support is what all my clients get from me. make it all work. It had to work, right? By empowering my clients, they in If you read my article in April on fresh starts, I turn empower me. Let me empower mentioned how I needed to put myself first, so you to be the best version of you. that I could pour more from my cup into everyone Let’s do this together. else’s. Yet, here I am finding myself pouring all I had from my own cup into everyone else’s. I had Connect with me – I’m waiting nothing left. I’m still learning – as you can see. This to hold space for you. needed to change. I needed to change. ~Christina To become empowered means I was in a place of disempowerment. I needed to empower myself, to fully commit to myself and trust that I was going to make everything happen and the right people would support me when the time was right. I needed things to start falling in my favour. Guess what? It happened. I found support in a friend who believed in me and what end goal I saw.
Why The Scale Doesn’t Matter
Author - Jenn Oleksyn
When I first heard that the topic for the May edition of Create The Ripple was women’s empowerment and issues that matter to women the first thing that came to mind for me was the scale. I’m sure it’s not that way for all women but I’m sure a lot of women, like me, have struggled with weight for many years. Take it from someone who has weighed over 250lbs and as little as 125lbs in her adult life, the scale does not matter! Your weight does not define your worth and your weight will never bring you happiness. I searched for happiness on the scale for years and when I hit the “magic number” happiness was not what it brought me.
As a teen all I thought about was my weight. I was obsessed with it. It controlled me. In my early 20s things shifted in my life and I gained an excessive amount of weight in a short time. I was in an unhealthy relationship, eating unhealthy foods, working part time while going to paramedic school full time and not in a great mental headspace. The weight went on so easily that I really got to a point where I put on blinders and stopped thinking about it. After I finished paramedic school and started working things got even worse. I worked shift work, long hours, sometimes working 12 or 13 days in a 2 week period and had a stressful job. No one talked to me about my weight and
the problem just continued to get worse. The turning point came for me when I saw a photo someone posted online of me. I was scrolling Facebook, saw a photo posted by someone I knew well, looked at the photo and thought oh that’s a nice photo, and you guys it seriously took me a minute to even realize that I was in the photo. I didn’t even recognize myself and I knew at that moment that something had to give. I decided then and there that I was going to do something about this weight gain. The highest weight I ever reached was over 250lbs, how much over I have no idea because I stopped getting on the scale at 250.
I tried every gimmick in the book. Master cleanse, did it. Extreme fasting, did it. Trying to survive on insanely low calorie diets, did it. Green tea extract pills, did it. I tried them all, and guess what, none of them worked. Once I got serious about making a change I realized that diet and exercise was going to be the only way out of this mess. I started tracking my calories, exercising 5-6 times per week and really paying attention to what I was putting in my body. It worked great for a short amount of time and then I hit the dreaded plateau. A friend of mine that I worked with was very into fitness and nutrition. He took a look at my workouts and my meal plans and audibly gasped when he saw how many calories I was eating in a day. You know the number, 1200 calories. That’s how much you eat to lose weight right? Wrong! He told me there was no way this was sustainable and that I must start eating more if I wanted to continue to lose weight. Hold up buddy, you want me to eat more?! No way. Not doing it. My stubborn brain was having no part of this conversation. But I trusted him so I gave him 14 days and for 14 days I was eating 1800 calories per day and then magically I started losing weight again. I have never looked back since this day and have not eaten below 1800 calories in over 5 years now. I fell so in love with fitness and nutrition on this journey of my own. I took a personal training certification and a healthy eating and weight loss certification and actually left my career as a paramedic to work as a nutrition coach and group trainer for a period of time. It opened my eyes to a whole world of helping people before they had major health problems instead of after when they were in a crisis state. During that time as a nutrition coach I experimented with a few other eating styles to
understand better how they work to be able to better assist my clients. During that time I got all the way down to 125lbs. 125lbs was not a good place for me. For so many years during my weight loss I was obsessed with the scale trying to reach that number in my head. Once I got there, one look in the mirror confirmed for me that the scale does not define your worth. I’ve since found a place where my body, soul, spirit and mind are happy. I can have a treat every now and then, my body is capable of all kinds of amazing things, I run and exercise because I enjoy it and I’ve worked so hard on my mental health over the past few years. I’m healthy, strong, fit and also a little jiggly in places. This is where your true happiness lies, when your body, mind and soul are in sync. When you are healthy but free to make choices that align with your values. The number on the scale means nothing! It’s a great tool to help you understand if what you’re doing is working or not but it’s not the only tool. Take photos of your progress if you’re trying to lose or gain weight. Take measurements of your body. Those things are going to paint a far more accurate picture of your progress than the scale ever is. There was a point in my weight loss that I was so obsessed with the scale that I would weigh myself 4 times per day. That was not productive and so harmful for my mental health. Though I can tell you with certainty that the human body can fluctuate up to 5lbs per day based on various factors and that’s why you shouldn’t put all your eggs in the scale basket.
If you’re trying to change your weight I have some advice for you: • Surround yourself with like minded people. You can’t stay on the health train if all your friends and family are riding the junk food express. Find some people who are doing the same or similar things as you to chat with and go on this journey with. • Hire a coach. Or a trainer. Or an accountability partner of some kind. You need someone who will celebrate with you when you win, but also someone who will be honest with you when you hit those plateaus or aren’t seeing results anymore. • Be graceful with yourself. It’s a journey. It won’t happen overnight. Quick results don’t last so play the long game. • Don’t weigh yourself every day. Once per week is sufficient to know if things are working or not.
The definition of a woman doesn’t fit in a box
T
Author - Lonnie Gartner
here are so many important issues for women that honestly it was difficult to pick one.
But the more I looked around and talked to kick ass women, the more this issue took front row. “My strength and independence intimidate others, especially men”. Let me be clear, you are allowed to stand in your strength. To be fierce, strong and seen. And still be soft, loveable and held. Women are not meant to be either\or. To be either a pushover or bossy. Women can and do embody both a gentle nature and a solid foundation. I dated a guy one time that was a showboat, life of the party, centre of attention with his family and friends. A completely different person around them than when it was just the two of us. I was consistent about who I was no matter who we were with. I remember standing just outside of the circle of him and his friends when we were getting ready to take me home, and him leading the conversation about how he can’t stand outspoken, strong women. Between the looks, comments and emphasis in my direction, I knew he was talking about me. Maybe the story of that relationship will be told one day. I learned great lessons that I carry with me to this day. It used to drive me insane when people would enter my life during a moment of “less than one hundred percent”, claiming they were my “tribe”, my “people’. Jump on the bandwagon of how they just know I have greatness inside me. That they are going to stand by me no matter what! Or
they enter when I am strong and fully myself, and something human happens and I falter. Then of course the inevitable happens, they leave. Have you experienced this too? Of course, you are blamed for “making” them go. You either weren’t enough or you were too much. Too weak or too strong. You just weren’t the “same” person they met. Or “your grief should be over by now”. Can you feel me raising an eyebrow here? If you’ve ever experienced this, know that you aren’t alone. I see you. I see every broken powerful step you’ve taken. The ocean I’ve cried connects to yours. Those feelings of abandonment, loneliness, not enough-ness, drowning and despair are dancing with mine. This is why this is what I’m writing about today. To shine the brightest fucking light on the lies you’ve believed and told yourself. You weren’t the problem! Let me say it again for those in the back, you were not too much nor not enough. Those people, they are the ones with wounds. Hurt people hurt people. It’s their journey and their own stories that they project into the world like homing devices, headed straight to our hearts. It all comes down to one thing: love. Love of self to be exact. When we love ourselves, we no longer hold our breath to see who else does. When we remind ourselves what we love about ourselves, that love continues to grow, and in the soil bed of love, grown other tools for our toolbox. Self-respect, self-esteem, self-reliance and our inner light starts to get brighter. Just be careful that in the beginning when your inner love is growing, that it doesn’t wear a cloak of solitude. Powerful women thrive in the presence of other powerful women. And
powerful women reach for the lost women to pull them into the fold. Now there’s a cycle worth keeping alive! The me now, that holds fierce love for myself, handles the leaving of others quite differently than the yesterday version of who I was. I may still be sad over someone choosing to walk away, but I realize that it’s not about me. They have their own path to explore. Not everyone can hold a permanent position in your life. Nor you in theirs. But you, you are the constant. The permanent experience. You are the forever person in your life. The relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have. It’s also the one that dictates how you are in your other relationships. We all grow at different paces. So, the ones that can’t handle your brilliant light, and leave, have just done you a favor. They’ve made room for the person who sees you and matches the celebration you give yourself. Honestly, you’re going to be judged either way, so step up and do what’s in your heart, because you deserve it. Every time! You’re worthy. I’m worthy. She’s worthy. They’re worthy. It is my deep belief that every woman, every person should experience fierce love of self. I see you, ~ Trelawnie Lynn Gartner Empowerment Coach
Domestic Violence in the Workplace Author - Ruthann Weeks
Domestic violence is abuse that is occurring between those who are in or have been in an intimate partner relationship. Most Canadian provinces have legislation in place that requires employers to help keep people safe at work when they come to find out that an employee is experiencing intimate partner violence. While we all have a perception of what domestic violence looks like, most don’t have a comprehensive understanding of the complex issue, and employers are no exception. I have had employers say that they don’t have to be concerned about it if they do not employ any couples. Not so! Although men can and do experience abuse from a partner, women are the targets seventy percent of the time with one in five women experiencing intimate partner violence. Given the prevalence of the issue, chances are domestic abuse can and does affect the lives of workers while they are on the job, both for targets of abuse and those perpetrating the abuse.
What does domestic abuse look like at work? Intimate partner violence is about power and control. The harasser tries to control every aspect of their target’s life. They want to dominate their time, their thoughts, their relationships, and there is hell to pay if their calls and texts go unanswered, their partner’s time is unaccounted for, or they fail to do what is expected of them. This may mean the business line goes unanswered or goes to voicemail as the harassed person is busy answering texts or fielding calls from their abuser. The abused person and, or the perpetrator of abuse may be late more often as conflicts at home make them late. There is an increase in presenteeism, when the person
is present, but they are distracted by the abuse that is occurring and are not mindful of their work. Productivity suffers and co-workers can become resentful as they are left to pick-up the slack.
Risk Escalation Factors The most dangerous time in an abusive situation is when the relationship is ending. Given that every six days a woman is killed in Canada by her intimate partner, the potential for domestic homicide is real. Considering the power and control dynamic, it makes sense that when a partner loses control over one aspect of their lives it ramps up in the areas they can control. Job loss, economic downturns, financial pressure, and natural disasters are all catalysts for increased violence. This Covid-19 disruption has several risk factors at play at once and has led to a spike in domestic abuse. Often work is a “safe place” for a target of abuse to get away from the presence of their harasser and as workers are laid off or working from home, there is no reprieve. There may be added pressure and escalated violence as there is increased drug or alcohol use, children are present and may be an annoyance to an abusive partner, and more together time as usual hobbies and events are not occurring can escalate the potential for an explosive incident. Some agencies are reporting higher numbers of reported abuse, while others know the abuse is occurring, but with more constant monitoring by the harasser the abuse is going unreported because there is no freedom to report. Safe houses and supports are likewise affected by the pandemic and are closed or operating at reduced capacity to allow for physical distancing.
What can an Employer do to Help Prevent Domestic Violence at Work? • Get training to fully understand the issue of domestic abuse. The worst thing you can ask is “Why don’t you just leave?” as it further victimizes the abused person and puts the blame on them. It is a complex issue that can present itself in many ways and there are lots of legitimate reasons a person may choose to stay. When everyone at work is trained to recognize the signs and how to respond appropriately, someone experiencing abuse is more likely to report when they are feeling unsafe, or risk escalation factors are in play. • Prepare violence and harassment prevention plans that include what to do when someone discloses they are experiencing domestic abuse, or you come to find out a worker is perpetrating abuse while on the job. It can include simple provisions like a buddy system to get someone safely to their car, a sign in for all site visitors and regular check-ins for those working in isolated areas. Spell out the consequences for perpetrating abuse on the job up to and including termination. • Consider other company policies that prevent abusive behaviour, such as transportation policies that prohibit stalking or monitoring a target in a company owned vehicle, IT policies that do not allow company cell phones or computers to be used to perpetrate abuse. Communication policies should spell out the expectation that there is confidentiality and no gossip permitted related to someone experiencing abuse. • Provide leave for workers to address issues related to domestic abuse. Most provinces in Canada have three to five days of paid leave, while others have unpaid leave for those experiencing abuse to seek support. Encourage those who need it to use it and support them in doing so. • IF SAFE TO DO SO, follow up regularly with those working from home who have disclosed they are in an abusive situation. Conversations, texts, and emails may be monitored, and it may not be safe to ask openly. Learn the silent sign for help and call 911 if you see it.
Knowing and understanding that domestic abuse is prevalent and being intentional about checking in with co-workers, neighbours and friends that are isolated is a good way to let someone know you care for them and are a safe place if they want to share. Raising awareness and providing support, while allowing people dignity, respect, and freedom to choose when and how they stay safe is the goal.
Keeping Me Small Author - Ainsley McSorely
Him: You have such nice feet. Me: No I don’t! Him: Why would you say you don’t? Me: Well to be honest, because someone told me I don’t.
I noticed this was a recurring theme that kept happening over the past couple of months; my feet, my nose, the way I danced, the way I dressed, even many of my behaviors…all because people told me certain things over the years. I was such a shy child, always worried about being wrong or not being perfectly good at things, I adopted other people’s beliefs about myself. They must be right. Right? I can finally see now that those comments are not true. I can dance, who knew? These people were trying to keep me small. Keep me shoved in a box where I couldn’t shine my true potential. I won’t sit here blaming them... as for many it was probably subconscious acts and they have their own journey, their own whys about those behaviors. I will climb out of the box that’s for sure! I created the box so who am I to judge, I allowed it to happen. The big one happened this past winter and it nearly cost me an incredible opportunity. I basically live in athleisure and gym wear and was asked to help design a womens clothing line. Inside I was jumping with joy and then the thoughts in my head came upon me... oh, ya, right, I don’t know how to dress and I don’t know anything about fashion. I had been told this many years ago. The fear crept in and I began believing I couldn’t do it. I called my best friend who said “are you crazy? You always look amazing, why would you even think that! Take the opportunity.” Having rekindled this friendship in my 30s, this friend in particular wasn’t around for the deepest years of me being shoved in a box, in fact this was one of the first friendships I had had where I felt
I was such a shy child, always worried about being wrong or not being perfectly good at things, I adopted other people’s beliefs about myself. They must be right, right?
she truly loved me and wanted the best for me so it made me think. I had adopted the negative opinions of myself from others, maybe I should really consider this opinion. Maybe I am good at this after all. Growing up I was a very shy child, I would do almost anything to fit in, to not be called out and to be liked. It terrified me to speak as the idea that I might be wrong would shatter me to the core. I did well in school to make sure I didn’t look dumb, I’d say yes when I really meant no in order to be liked and I kept myself small enough, nevermind the list of people who kept me there. I don’t remember much of my past, I self diagnose it with some type of trauma response or possibly I was just never in the moment but as I took some time to reflect on this topic, I can actually remember very clearly many incidents of being told Im not good enough starting from about grade 4 by ‘friends’. I can run reruns of these situations in my head… I can see the person’s face, I can recall exactly where we were and the exact words. Each of them crushed me bit by bit. From each moment on I believed their opinion and retreated a little more each time. Time to release these! In grade 6 on a bike ride with my friends I experienced my first bullying experience and it’s been ongoing ever since. I can relate as I know the feeling, Im scrolling through Instagram and see these moms living this Pinterest worthy life, creating all the crafts, all the DIYs, the twinning outfits… and here I am in sweatpants a bun and cold coffee in my hand lying on the floor while my kids play around me. Envy… how do they have the energy? But it all comes down to perspective and self love. I know I am a good mother without the Pinterest images so I don’t let it get to me but it wasn’t always that easy to shrug off. I get it.
The power of the universe has removed many of these people from my life along the way and as I grew, the right people have come into my life which is where my healing began. It wasn’t until the age of 36 with 2 best friends very present in my life, when I truly felt comfortable to be me in front of someone else – I needed the right people and I needed to heal. I learned to trust, I learned to accept that these people actually cared for me and were truly cheering me on. It was not like the rest of my life where I felt the cheers were surface level only with the wicked witch finger taps going on behind the scenes. I felt safe for the first time in my life. It hasn’t been long since this realization but it has been exponential. With the love of real people and my own self awareness I have begun to step into my truest self and let me tell you it feels so good! Not everyone is going to like you and that is something to accept. You need to like you. Other people’s words are not about you, they are projecting something within themselves. It is important to realize this and not take it personally. What you can do is wish healing on those who wrong you, and surround yourself with the most loving, caring people who support you. I originally heard this quote from a business standpoint but I think it’s even more important from a personal standpoint, “surround yourself with the 5 people you want to be like.” Be authentic, be genuine, be supportive and be loved. After all of the above here comes the hard part, stepping into that true self who’s been hiding within for far too long. It’s scary! Do you even know who that person is? Wow what a powerful time in your life! Getting to know this incredible new side of you and fully embracing it, such a gift. The mindset shift here is first, loving your true self.
Here are some steps to help us all step deeper into our truth and deeper into our truest selves: -get to know who that person is. Journal your deepest feelings and ask questions -understand that others negative reactions are not really about you, you may be mirroring something within themselves that they can’t see just yet -accept that not everyone will love you and that’s ok -embrace your own self love -surround yourself with genuine supportive people -understand you don’t need to accept or agree with others opinions, I’ll say it again “interesting point of view she has” and move on -you are here to be your true self, there is a place for YOU in this life
Dr. Candice Staniek
Aime Hutton
Robert Manolson
Sarah Grace Knutson
Contrib
Ruthann Weeks
Jordan Guildford
Jenn Oleksyn
Jenna Pilot
butors
Earl Shindruk
Ainsley McSorely
Candice Smiley
Contrib
Susan Binnie
Lonnie Gartner
Christina Giese
butors
MAY 2021 ~ ISSUE 6