Jokes, quotes and clever sayings.
The collected works of Centenarian
V IRGINIA J ARVIS
Tidbits to Tweedle your Thoughts Years ago, when the children were young and needed “quiet work” I’d have them cut out cartoons from the Saturday Evening Post, Life, etc. (If I’d been smart, I’d had them saving the magazines which now have become collectible. But since I’ve never been a “witty person” myself, I’ve enjoyed more, perhaps, someone else’s. Also, I’ve always loved to “ponder” the proverbs, fun sayings and matters I’ve come across. So my drawers are always overrun with clippings, etc. Instead of reviewing any book in it’s entirety, I’m taking a few key phrases or sentences, hoping it will entertain and relax your senses also.
Virginia Jarvis
1 • Fun Stuff
A joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist.
One day in early fall a class of second-graders was discussing “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up.” The teacher received the usual replies – “a fireman,” “a nurse.” Then the teacher asked a youngster deep in thought what he would like to be someday. He looked up with a frown and replied, “I don’t even know what I want to be for Halloween yet!” After trying for some time to quiet her new baby, my daughter-in-law turned her over to my sister. The baby snuggled into her abundant bosom and promptly went to sleep. “It happens every time,” my fashionably thin daughter-in-law said. “I guess it’s the difference between an Army cot and a water bed.” Virginia, a longtime client at my beauty salon, was about to celebrate her 100th birthday, and I had promised her complimentary hair services when she reached the century mark. I was delighted when she came in to collect her gift. As I prepared her permanent wave, we discussed the fact that she was exactly twice my age. Virginia, was silent for a moment and then said, “There’s only one thing that concerns me. Whatever will I do when you get too old to do my hair?” “For Father’s Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It’s appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.”
INTRODUCTION • 2
Some researchers believe laughter can help you live a longer life.
Horace grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time. “Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings?” asked his wife. “Not a bit,” Horace replied. “I keep telling them it’s for you.
Money will buy a bed but not sleep; books but not knowledge; food but not appetite; finery but not beauty; a house but not a home; medicine but not health; luxuries but not culture; amusements but not happiness; religion but not salvation; or a passport to everywhere but heaven.
When Pete Flaherty was mayor of Pittsburgh, he and his wife Nancy were inspecting a construction project one day. A hard-hatted laborer called out to them. “Nancy, remember me?” he asked. “We used to date in high school.” Later, Pete teased her. “Aren’t you glad you married me? You could have been the wife of a construction worker instead of the wife of a major.” Responded Nancy “You should be glad you married me. If you hadn’t he would have been the mayor of Pittsburgh.”
A dollar goes a long way these days. You can carry it for miles before you find anything it will buy.
3 • Fun Stuff
Famous comedian, George Burns lived to be 100 years old. Silence is not only golden, it is often misquoted!
The little boy was caught by his teacher saying a most unsuitable word. “Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that word. Where did you hear it?” “My daddy said it,” the child responded. “Well, that doesn’t matter,” the teacher explained. “You don’t even know what it means.” “I do too,” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
One of my favorite hobbies is flea marketing. I love a bargain, but rarely feel comfortable dickering with the seller. A wonderful opportunity finally arose at a sale when I spotted a beautiful set of water goblets that, unfortunately, was minus a glass. The missing piece gave me the perfect bargaining tool. “Too bad there’s no eighth goblet in this set,” I said to the seller. “Lady,” he replied with true Yankee logic, “this isn’t a set of eight glasses–it’s a set of six with an extra.
Heading the wrong way – The wife of an eccentric professor told him he had his hat on backward. “How do you know which way I’m going? he asked.
Fun Stuff • 4
Laughter is one of the first things you do as a newborn. “Say Bill,” a man said to his pal, “how do you like your new job?” “It’s the worst job I ever had.” “How long have you been there?” “About three months.” “Why don’t you quit?” “No way, This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home.”
“How long have you been working here?” “Since the boss threatened to fire me.”
I was the manager of a packaging and shipping store. Last year, when business was booming, the owner came by to help out. A customer complained to him that the price of mailing a gift was more than the item itself. “Perhaps,” the owner replied, “You should buy more expensive gifts.”
When Henry Ford was asked why he went to his executives’ offices instead of having them come to his, he said: “I’ve found that I can leave the other fellow’s office a lot quicker than I can get him to leave mine.” When Henry Ford was asked why he went to his executives’ offices instead of having them come to his, he said: “I’ve found that I can leave the other fellow’s office a lot quicker than I can get him to leave mine.”
5 • Fun Stuff
Humor helps to lighten each day and find common ground with others. “Remember our picnics, Harry?” his lady friend rhapsodized. “I can see you now, standing on the hilltop, the wind blowing your hair, and you too proud to chase it...” I knew I was going bald when it took me longer and longer to wash my face. I stayed with my parents for several days after the birth of our first child. One afternoon I remarked to my mother that it was surprising our baby had dark hair since both my husband and I are fair. She said, “Well, your daddy has black hair. “But, Mama, that doesn’t matter because I’m adopted.” With an embarrassed smile she said the most wonderful words I’ve ever heard: “I always forget.” While stopping at a hotel, a man asked for some stationary to write a letter and the clerk inquired, “Are you a guest at the hotel?” “No,” answered the man indignantly. “I am not a guest. I am paying $30 a day!” When a Texas friend came to Michigan for a visit, I told her to let me know if she needed anything. “I could use some rotten pepper,” she said. “What’s that?” I asked. “You know,” she drawled, “rotten pepper, so ah can rot a letter home.”
Fun Stuff • 6
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. Hear this... more than 50 of every 100 Americans wear glasses. Which gives you some idea how important ears can be. A man asked a friend how he could stand a wife who talked so much. “I don’t know,” “I’ve given her the best ears of my life.”
Kerry the Tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood– down alleyways, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said, “Your cat is rushing about like mad.” “I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.
On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining-room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was also a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!” “I suppose,” my husband responded, “we could vacuum.”
“Why did you marry your husband?” asked the neighborhood gossip. “You don’t seem to have much in common.” “It was the old story of opposites attracting each other,” explained the wife. “I was pregnant and he wasn’t.”
7 • Fun Stuff
Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals.
Just before heading to Florida for spring break, a college student bought a skimpy bikini. She modeled it for her mother. “How do you like it?” The parents stared in silence for a few moments, and then replied, “If I had worn a bathing suit like that when I was your age, you’d be four years older than you are right now.” My friends tell me cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
Hostess: “I do hate to take you away from the party, Mr. Thornapple. But it’s your baby-sitter–she wants to know where you keep the champagne glasses.
My friend’s father was proud of his family of six children, He frequently referred to his wife as “Mother of Six,” much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a party, he called out loud enough for everyone to hear, “Ready to go, Mother of Six?” “Any time you are” she replied, “Father of Four.” At the monastery’s annual Fish and Chips Fund Raising Festival, a visitor told the abbot he’d like to congratulate the chef. The abbot said, “There’s your man, in the brown robe, over there.” The man went over and asked, “Are you the fish friar?” “No, sir. I’m the chip monk.”
Fun Stuff • 8
Ancient Sumeria boasts the world’s oldest joke dating back to 1,900 B.C. On vacation in Florida, I rented a motel room which seemed fine until the day there was a drenching rainstorm. That was when I discovered a bad leak in the bathroom ceiling. When I asked the manager what he was going to do about it, he replied, “Lady, I can’t fix it while it’s raining, and when the sun shines, there’s no need.” I am proud of the fact that I can get credit easily, even from storeowners and bankers who don’t know me. But one day I was in a small town where no one knew me. I decided to try my luck and asked the storeowner for credit. She studied my face for a few seconds, and then replied, “You have an honest face, but it won’t fit in my cash register.” The first time I sold a painting was during a shopping-mall art fair. I was fascinated by all the people who stopped at my booth, only to leave without buying anything. One couple, however, kept returning to admire a particular painting, and they finally decided to make a purchase. My first sale! Someone did appreciate my work. Then as they walked away, I heard the woman say, “Won’t Grandma’s wedding portrait look wonderful in this frame.” One man told his wife, “I feel ten years younger after I shave in the morning.” “Did you ever think of shaving before going to bed?” she responded.
9 • Fun Stuff
A study in Norway found that people with a sense of humor outlived those who don’t .
On vacation in Florida, I rented a motel room which seemed fine until the day there was a drenching rainstorm. That was when I discovered a bad leak in the bathroom ceiling. When I asked the manager what he was going to do about it, he replied, “Lady, I can’t fix it while it’s raining, and when the sun shines, there’s no need.” Husband telling wife that men like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are a dime a dozen. She said, “Here’s a nickel. Get me six!” As the man and wife returned to their seats in the dark auditorium, the husband asked a fellow seated on the aisle, “Did someone step on your feet while going out at intermission?” “Yes, you did,” he replied, expecting an apology. “Okay, honey,” the man said to his wife, “this is our row.” A sky diver and his instructor peered down at the field 3000 feet below. “There’s nothing to worry about,” the instructor said. “You jump, count to three and pull your rip cord. If that doesn’t work, pull your reserve cord. There’ll be a truck down there to pick you up. The sky diver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling, he counted to three, then pulled his reserve. A few cobwebs drifted out. “Darn,” he said. “I’ll bet that truck’s not down there either.” Did you hear the one about the girl who broke her engagement with the young doctor? First, she had to return all his presents. And then he sent her a bill for 53 house calls.
Fun Stuff • 10
Milton Berle got his break as a child with a Halloween costume.
The reason why so many Congressmen try to get re-elected is that they can’t make a living at any other job under the laws they’ve passed.
The best thing you can say for some of our laws is that they make work for a great many lawyers.
A Senator, finding himself seated next to a boring long-winded dinner companion, tried for hours to say something but succeeded only in making slight sounds. Finally his companion stopped talking and asked, “What’s that strange sound you’ve been making?” he demanded. “It’s a word,” replied the Senator, “trying to get in edgewise.”
Franlin D. Roosevelt on speech-making: “Be sincere; be brief; be seated.”
Public speaking is a little like taking a vacation. It helps to know the right place to stop. As he lay in a hospital bed, the lawyer was turning the pages of the Bible. A visiting friend asked, “What are you looking for?” “Well,” replied the legal eagle, “should I have to make a case Up There, I want to be ready with some loopholes and precedents.”
11 • Fun Stuff
In 1950 Lucille Ball was the first female to run a major Hollywood studio.
The minister of a local church was walking down the street one day when he recognized the town drunk unsteadily ambling along. “Drunk again!” remarked the minister as they met. “Me, too!” said the drunk, tipping his hat. Shortly after our son had assumed the pastorate of his first church, he and his wife came to visit us one Saturday. I sensed that she was unhappy” not wishing to be a meddlesome mother-in-law, I pretended not to notice. But as they departed, I heard her say, “All right, we will go by the church an you can practice baptizing me just one more time. But remember this when you have your first funeral, you are not going to practice burying me!” Upon finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, a teacher gently reproved the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze like that.”The student looked up and replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” Man: “I had to quit aerobics class because I broke a toe.” Friend: “How is it?” Man: “I don’t know. It wasn’t my toe.” Little Jeffrey had done something very clever and his father said, “His intelligence must have come from me, don’t you think?” “I guess so,” the mother replied. “I’ve still got mine.”
Fun Stuff • 12
Did you know Groucho Marx temporarily hosted the Tonight Show before Johnny Carson.
The divorce attorney was listening to his client. “My love, my soul, my money,” the woman cried, “he took everything and drove off with it.” “The cad,” said the attorney. “Oh, no,” she replied. “He took the Chevy.” And then there was a fellow who called his car Flattery because it got him nowhere. My son and I drive identical station wagons. Some time ago he had an accident which tore up his front bumper and grille. On the following Monday I drove my car to school to pick up my daughter. On Tuesday my son had my car, so I drove his damaged one to pick her up. On Wednesday I drove my own car. On Thursday I had to drive his car to school and on Friday my own. While I was waiting for my daughter, a man approached me. “This past week is driving me nuts,” he said. “I hope no one was injured in all your accidents ma’am, but what I really want to know is, who’s the genius who does your repair work?”
As I was getting into my car at a shopping mall, a young man in the next car tried to get my attention. Ignoring him, I proceeded to start my automobile. The persistent fellow got out of his car and started rapping on my window. “I’m not interested,” I called out. “Neither am I, lady, “ he replied. “I just wanted to let you know you left your purse on top of your car.”
13 • Fun Stuff
Rodney Dangerfield’s “No respect persona” was based on a Jack Benny radio character.
Our new car had a talking computer that reminded us about everything from seat belts needing to be fastened to washer fluid that was running too low. We dubbed the nagging vehicle “Motor Mouth.” One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
Nothing keeps a family together like having one car in the shop.
What an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman push a button–a door opened and she stepped in a small room, the door closed–lights flashed, and after while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, “Shoulda brought mah wife!”
Before marriage I had 6 theories how to raise the children. Now I have 6 children and no theories.
Fun Stuff • 14
Did you know Stan Laurel was Charlie Chaplin’s understudy in a vaudeville company.
I met Russ at the unemployment office. Despite our different work goals–I was looking for a job as a writer and he as a cement worker–we became friends. One day when I reported for an interview, Russ was also there. “Any offers?” he asked. “Nothing in writing,” I deadpanned. “You get any?” “Nothing in concrete,” he replied. “Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror. “Nonsense, ma’am” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.” “That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.” Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off. “Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!” “I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!” A friend decided to plant a shade tree in her rather bare yard. She enlisted the aid of a local nurseryman. “I want something that will not spread too much but will give shade.” she said. “It can’t be forever dropping leaves, and it must allow me to see the sun in the winter.” The nurseryman looked stymied. “Lady, you don’t want a tree,” he said. “You want a umbrella.”
15 • Fun Stuff
Laughter boosts your immune system by enhancing antibodies. Two maiden ladies thought that awful things would happen to them if they got near a male. They even had a female cat they wouldn’t let out for the same reason. Finally one of them got married and went away on her honeymoon. A few days later the other received a post card. All it said was “Let the cat out.” While stopping at a hotel, a man asked for some stationery. “Are you a guest of the hotel?” came the reply. “No,” answered the man indignantly. “I certainly am not. I’m paying $50 a day!” At the Old West Saloon, an arrogant young gunslinger bragged about past escapades. Since no one was paying any attention to him, he stalked out. Soon after, he came back, bursting through the doors. “Who’s the varmint that painted a yellow stripe across my horse’s rear end?” “I did,” admitted a six-foot-six mountaineer. “So what?” The rowdy cowpoke sized him up. “I just wanted to tell you the first coat is dry.” While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?” “Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
Fun Stuff • 16
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. There were new faces in our Bible-study class, so before starting the session our leader asked everyone to introduce himself. “I’m Judy, Ron’s wife,” said a very pregnant young woman. Then, paraphrasing a Biblical passage, she added dramatically, “And I’m ‘great with child.’” Here husband gave her a loving look and said to the group, “Yes. And she’s great without child too.”
The group was looking down the Grand Canyon. “Do you know,” asked the guide, “that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?” “Well, well!” exclaimed one tourist. “I never knew this was a government job.”
Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions. “My husband wants me to ask you something–” Carol began. The doctor interrupted her. “I get asked the question all the time,” he said in a reassuring tone. “Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it!” an embarrassed Carol confessed. “My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Ever notice that a dog’s affection increases in direct proportion to how wet and sandy he is?
17 • Fun Stuff
Laughter lowers blood pressure and improves blood flow. The story goes that, one time, football coach Vince Lombardi climbed into bed with his wife, Marie, said, “God your feet are cold!” The coach answered, “Dear, in the privacy of the house, you may call me Vince.”
A friend wanted me to enroll in an aerobics class. “No way!” I exclaimed. “I tried that once.” “What happened?” she asked, looking puzzled. “I went, and I twisted, hopped, jumped, stretched and pulled,” I replied. “And by the time I got those darn leotards on, the class was over!”
During a commercial-airline flight, the attendant passed out gum, telling passengers it would relieve the pressure in their ears during the descent. After landing, it took one passenger an hour to get the gum out of her ears.
As a freshman, I had to take a course in Western civilization from a certain professor–my father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?” I was constantly asked.“Not as strange as you might think,” I’d reply. “He’s been lecturing me all my life. I just never had to take notes before.” I couldn’t catch a cab, so I ordered a pizza to go and rode home with it.
Fun Stuff • 18
Sometimes the most clever thing to say is nothing at all. A woman came on board a warship and asked to see the captain. The officer of the deck sent an ensign below to tell the captain that he had a visitor. “Is she pretty:” asked the captain. “Yes, sir!” replied the ensign. Later, after the visitor departed the ship, the captain said, “Ensign, you certainly have strange taste in women.” Responded the ensign, “Well, sir, I thought perhaps it might have been your wife.” Sighed the captain, “It was.” Teacher: “The sentence, ‘My father had money,’ is past tense. Now, Joan, what tense would you be speaking in if you said, ‘My father has money?’ Joan: “Pretense.” A little girl was showing off her family’s horses to a visiting city cousin. “Why is that horse so fat?” asked the visitor. “She’s pregnant,” replied the young hostess. “And it happened by artificial insinuation.” A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children,” she said. “That’s what you think,” the man replied. “I’m the father of three children.” The fortuneteller smiled and said, “That’s what you think.”
19 • Fun Stuff
Humor boosts creative thinking. She: “A man definitely needs a woman as much as a woman needs a man!” He: “What do men need women for anyway?” She: “If there were no women in the world, who’d sew the buttons on your pants?” He: “If there were no women in the world, who’d need pants?” After a night of poker, a man tiptoed, shoes in hands, into his bedroom and stumbled over the bedspread. His wife turned in her sleep. “Mel,” she asked drowsily, “is that you?”The fellow froze, then exclaimed, “It darned well better be!” The Texan was trying to impress upon a visitor from Boston the valor of the Alamo heroes. “I’ll bet you never had anyone so brave in Boston.” “Didn’t you ever hear of Paul Revere?” asked the Bostonian. “Paul Revere?” mused the Texan. “Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”
A man can let his wife know he loves her by giving her a dozen long-stemmed roses; his small grandson can do the same with a fistful of dandelions. Doctor to colleague: “I’m thinking of switching to another answering service. The one I have now finds me no matter where I am.”
Fun Stuff • 20
Laughter helps to relieve anxiety & improve mood. It’s amazing how much can be accomplished in a single day if you don’t stop to have a conversation with someone who jobs to work, is going through a divorce, has quit smoking or has a new grandchild.
Don’t buy jewelry, The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn’t want.
As a retail-fashion clerk, I sometimes find it a challenge to help women who are less than perfectly proportioned. Assisting one customer with an ample waistline, I found a pretty skirt in her size but was concerned she might think it too youthful. I showed it to her, saying, “You’ll love the color, but I’m not sure it’s your style.” “Honey,” she shot back, “if I can zip it, it’s my style.” My sister, a poor bowler, was talked into joining a Friday-night league. “Well, how did you do?” I asked her after her first outing. “I got one strike,” she said, sighing, “but they wouldn’t let me count it. It wasn’t in my lane.”
Fellow to friend: “My wife has a one-track mind. All she thinks about is anything but sex.”
21 • Fun Stuff
Cherophobia is the fear of fun. A sailboat sailed in a no-wind situation Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time. When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a temperature of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, the mouth or elsewhere. So we asked, “How are you taking it?” Her reply: “Oh, I’m holding up pretty well!” After their wedding anniversary celebration, my parents were relaxing at home, my mother reading a book. “What will next year be?” asked my father, interrupting her train of thought. “2018,” she said. “No, I mean which anniversary?” “Our 50th,” she answered distractedly. “No, I mean which anniversary is that?” he persisted. “Oh, it’s gold,” she replied, trying to pick up the thread of the sentence she had now read at least three times. “Well, what was the 40th?” Dad asked. “Ruby,” she replied impatiently, adding, “and 25 years was silver,” hoping to thwart further conversation so she could read in peace. “What will our 60th anniversary be?” he pressed. “A darned miracle!” she replied. One man to another: “I want to marry a smart woman; a good woman; a woman who’ll make me happy.” “Make up your mind.”
Fun Stuff • 22
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