1 Summer Solstice 2015 of 3
pENCE Koziarski
AAAAaaargh!
{Sob!}
s
s
OW, Dammit!
Let’s be clear about this from the start: I love her. If I’m going to tell this story, I have to speak frankly. Y’all might not like me or her at different points in the story, but it’s time to tell things the way they are. Just remember, I loved her before and I still do ... after. Maybe even more.
We haven’t been doing this long, but we’re figuring it out. It’s like when we were first married, or when the girls were born.
It seems like it’s this way with lots of intense things in life; the ones that really matter are the ones that you can never really be prepared for. The shock wears off quickly and you either learn to cope ...
... or go down swinging.
You realize, Larry, that I’ve got NOTHING to wear to work tomorrow! Literally!
Really? That was the end of it?
Did I fucking stutter? Do you think I’m just speaking Without thinking? I’m completely out of work clothes! They’re all torn! Fucking blown apart! Shoes, skirts, tops, drawers! What a week!
Jesus!
Larry, I swear. Think about this practically! ... I ...
... Aw,
Dammit! ...glpph!
pshsh
shhhhh
h
Fucking
FUCK! {snrk} Maybe you--
get
out!!
This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. It’s not Dangerous, And by now I know better than to let her rages hurt my feelings. It’s just big emotions and a lot of asskicking strength behind Them. We’re going to be all right. It’s getting expensive, but we’ll figure something out. Fuck it. I’m ordering a pizza.
Right now, we’re focusing on one thing at a time, hoping Bridget has a job to go back to tomorrow -- and something to wear if she does. I guess I need to call a contractor tomorrow, too.
You want some? I’m getting spinach and meatballs and hot peppers and ... ah ... mushrooms ... and ... bacon and tomatoes and ...
‘es p’eashe.
} gh { si
Mommy - whoa! What’s up with your hair?! Jane, look at that!
Oh ... I had an accident. A big chunk of hair got caught in ... something. I’ll trim it into shape before bed.
But what was that noise? It shook the whole house!
I like your hair like that.
Oh REally, Darling? It makes you look tough.
Yeah, It gives you big muscles.
Oh, shoot. I’m sorry to wake you --
The noise was ... uh ... well ... Honestly? Okay, Sally, Jane, here’s the deal: Mommy got frustrated and punched a hole in the shower.
Now, that’s not a good way to handle frustration, and now the shower is going to be hard to fix, and Mommy learned a lesson. Everybody makes mistakes. Don’t worry too much about it. Go on back to bed.
You punched a hole in the
shower?!
Can we see?!
Good. No point making excuses or trying to lie to them. Are we ready to tell them the whole story?
Yes. Let’s. If we don’t tell them, they’re going to hear about it. OK. So girls, check it out:
{
Oh Mommy, I don’t want to see anything scary!
It’s okay, Sal. Nobody gets hurt ...
... Police officials say the gunmen have hostages inside and --
not bad.
MY-ATL TV NOW Exclusive Footage
out! One of ‘em’s coming ! He’s got a hostage
MY-ATL TV NOW Exclusive Footage Oh no you didn’t ... you miserable piece of
{beep!}
MY-ATL TV NOW -- Bridget Primavera Reporting
}
{
}
?
{beep} Standoff my {beep}! Ya Buncha {Beep} Cops! Let me show you How This is going Down. {beep}!
Gunmen Issued Demands ... Police Standoff ... Hostages Inside
whuffwhuffwhuff
whuff
dude...
Batt
er
UP!
Hey Lady! You can’t Just---
That’s What I’m Talking About! ATl P.D. Just gonna let those fuckers point a gun ... a GUN at
A CHILD?! Right. I’m Going In there to wrap this up.
Okay, you Cops, Problem solved. Geez.
dammit!
Ouch!
You want me To “Take ‘em downtown and book ‘em” Too, Ya buncha ...
{ OW!
... Fucking torture device
BRA!
... and Fucking fuck this fucking, piece-of-shit ...
Wow. That Was Intense. You Okay, Darlin’?
I heard that.
I Gotta be honest; I don’t really have a frame of reference for anything like this.
F{beep}ing f{beep}!
How about that, Chip? My-ATL TV Now’s weekday consumer reporter, Bridget Primavera, was in the right place at the right time to foil an attempted bank robbery in midtown today! Dramatic stuff, Lynn. but everybody’s okay?
MY-ATL TV NOW’s own Bridget Primavera apprehends bank robbers Everybody except the would-be robbers ... and Bridget’s hair! Would you look at that! It’s just hanging off the bumper! Maybe she can do a segment on short hair-dos for us later in the week.
Ha ha! Good one, Chip!
Police Official: Primavera’s actions “may be illegal.” Well ... Yes. Well now. She seems Very ... Athletic.
Yeah ... Uh, We’ll Be back right after this.
Accused robber claims injuries.
Uh ... So, ah ... Wow. That’s more than I knew before! I guess we really are faced with a bigger problem than what you’re going to wear to work tomorrow, huh?
weSOME!
... aaaa
Easy! Easy! You win, “Riot Grrrl!”
You’ve got even bigger problems!
oh Yeah!
Tickle Fight!
Oh That’s
It!
Get Him! We’ll get you, you monkey! Get ME!
a!! a aa
aa aaa Y Ya
But let’s start at the beginning. By this time Bridget and I had already known about her ... changes for a couple days.
We moved right after Halloween, and poor Bridget was kinda sick in those days. Now we understand why. It’s funny to think that at the time I had to do the heavy lifting. We had come from a pretty small market in Durham, where Bridget got her first job right out of school. She pitched this great idea for a productive, helpful family-minded segment to the station in Atlanta.
... in welcoming Bridget Primavera to the MY-ATL TV NOW team, covering consumer and family stories designed to help YOU.
... here with Chef Suzy Green from TV’s Cheftastic, and Chef, you say you do most of your family’s shopping here?
Well, if I want it fresh, that’s right Bridget! neighborhood specialty grocers and carnicerias are a great place to find the freshest produce, locally raised meat, and really great prices.
She’s such a do-gooder at heart. ... as our little holiday present, we’ll be giving free vaccinations today and tomorrow until 7:00 p.m., including Chickenpox and flu shots ...
She was doing exactly what she wanted to do: working on TV, helping ordinary families get Through their lives a little easier.
... Georgia’s own answer to Punskatawny Phil -- Punsk -- Shit!
Of course, there are always slow news days. Like this one, back on February 2. Groundhog Day. Marmot? Isn't a groundhog a rodent?
PUNX A TAWNY. PUNX A TAWNee. PUNX A TAWNY ... {Ahem}
Bet me, Dave. Bet me thirty bucks that it's a rodent and not a marmot. Bet me!
What's the difference? I don't know. Don't care. This is boring and shitty and early and cold. Bet me.
“We’re here in fucking buttfuck Demorest County somewhere to pay a visit to Georgia’s own answer to the fucking AWESOME ... Punxatawny Phil, weather-forecasting marmot extraordinaire!”
You're on for five bucks. Have we got time for me to take a crap?
Brighid?
BriD-Jet, yeah. That's me. Happy Groundhog's day. Can I get you an autograph? You know me, Brighid. I'm the Cailleach.
Prolly twenty minutes before I need you. Hold it or hurry.
Hurry it shall be!
Excuse me?
There you are, Brighid ...
... I’ve been looking for you.
EX-CUSE me?!
{gngg--}
“Too long have I been forced to carry the load unbalanced. It is time for you to prepare to assist me.”
“I did the work of creating the land....”
“... You made it fecund.”
“I remove the weak and unwell who cannot survive in a cold, cruel world. When I take the weak, they do not suffer unduly, they do not weaken the family with distractions.”
{koff} {koff} {koff}
“You make a warm, kind world. You teach how the weak may grow Strong, how the unwell can heal, how the family might be joyful and increase.”
“Your absence these few years has things out of balance. I take the weak and the strong grow ever stronger.”
“But their increase has been unchecked by compassion or righteousness.”
“Now it is the strong who care for the weak -- As livestock are cared for, Exploited and consumed.”
“The weak live in fear: fear for their health and money, fear of discomfort, fear of each other.”
It’s okay, Dave. I promise. She was just ... she’s actually a ... an aunt of mine. She was just helping me with a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey, lady!
I don’t know what you’re-Are you ready, Dear? We need you back.
Oh my heavens! Land’s sakes! I can’t imagine what that must have looked like, young man!
I ... remember.
I’m ready.
Just a little field-tailoring! I’m so sorry for what you think you saw!
“Aunt Callie,” huh? Well, if Bridget says it’s cool, it’s cool. Seriously, Dave. It’s Aunt Callie. She’s cool.
Jesus! Is there Any Coffee Up in this Motherfucker?
I’m watchin’ you. Of course you are.
I’ve been going on Alone too long, Dear Heart. I need rest. I will need to --
Say no more. We have a guest room. My family will help you recover. But what do I do now?
You’ll soon see. Take your time. You always have choices.
So, at first, I thought it was just strange that we were putting up this “long-lost aunt” in our spare room. But it got stranger.
Well, of course it got stranger.
“Aunt Callie” slept non-stop. Like, never woke up. For three days. she didn’t eat or drink or go to the can. She smelled. And of course, this all took some explaining to the girls. And at this point, I still didn’t know the whole deal.
We told the girls that the old lady was Bridget’s aunt and that she needed our help. That’s pretty much all Bridget told me for a while. So here we are, hosting a half-dead homeless lady. Okay. Whatever.
SCRAM you little monkeys! Go set the table or something! You’re underfoot!
But sooner or later, things need to be explained.
Hmm. Yeah. It did, but I did it anyhow. It wasn't bad...
What?
Wasn’t BAd?! Didn't that hurt?!
...that’s weird. Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got an idea.
Bridget? Wait.
Bridget!
Jesus Christ!
Ha ha! Check this out.
Ow. Okay. Yep. That hurt a little. So ... How about that? {Oh boy}
Whoa! Easy there, Big fella!
Everything’s okay in here, Girls! Uh ... Don’t worry about it!
Huh? What did you say?
Daddy!
Oh, girls, Daddy hit his head. He’s okay.
Wha? Ohh, man. Uggghhh.
Yeah, Okay.
Will Breakfast be ready soon? Yes, dear. Now Go play, please. Honey! What in the everloving FUCK?
I know, right? That was crazy! Wow! CHOP! Look at this knife! Henkels my ass!
Hang on --
Sally! Put Those down!
But I’m Just-But nothing! Put 'em down. Get your own! Mine are too sharp for you kids and too nice for you to dull up!
Oh, she was going to cut paper with my good sewing scissors and--
Honey? Put what down? The girls are in the other room.
How did You Know...?
Sally! Were you messing with your mother’s good scissors?
Jeez, Dad. Yeah. I’m sorry, okay!?
Over the weekend, we figured it out: She knew when kids were in trouble and she could just kinda move and act without having to think about it, do crazy things that normal people couldn’t do. But somehow she didn’t think twice about it.
Yeah-heah! !
! Yu ss
Go Girl! Woo
Despite the fact that “Riot Grrrl” was a pretty great name, there was no going in the classic superhero direction. Any chance of a “secret identity” was shot. And anyhow, she hates comics.
Whatever. Her “gifts” came with a price. Can you imagine how many calories it takes to lift a car over your head? Her body seemed indestructible, but -well, I said I’d give it to you straight ... I don’t know. I’m a dude. I’m just saying ...
... I don’t know anything about what women go through. All I know is if she was going to “power up” or whatever we were going to call it ...
... there was a hormonal surge or something. Look, I’m a good feminist. I don’t want to talk about PMS or whatever, but somtimes ...
Hands off!
... Sometimes being around her was a wild ride. How about that? whoa, careful! I’m gonna fall down --
mmmph.
... Uh, Okay?
Anyhow, She Always felt the side effects if she did “power up” or whatever....
Oh shit.
I’m Walkin’ Here!
... So As a consequence, Bridget only used her “gifts� when she needed to. But the strange thing was ...
... suddenly, she had all these hunches.
Little intuitive flashes would interrupt her while she was driving around town, working, just wherever she was. And she always found somebody to help -- someone who needed her help.
So I guess that gets us caught up.
Okay! Okay! I’ve had enough!
STupid Pizza Drivers Never Check A Map.
“Aunt Callie!” Is everything okay?
Aunt Callie! Good to see you up!
So it begins. You have a choice, Dear. You’ll always have a choice.
You have A Choice.
Whew. Haw haw haw. Ho ho. Whew.
Hi, Aunt Callie!
Hello?
uh ... Why not? Jeans and a T-shirt then! See you at lunchtime.
Wow, cool! But Can we do it at noon? I need to buy some new clothes.
Yes sir. Well, I guess that’s to be expected.
!
h
s
Hu ll
’a
Y
Well, the network saw the footage.
The bosses are interested in a reality series. A meeting tomorrow. We’ll talk about things. You know how it is, darling. They’re buying lunch. It is an opportunity, but there are opportunities in silence as well.
}
What?! Who asked you? Do you even know that my wife is a professional television journalist? What this means to her career?
I know, Honey. It’s got to be hard for you to understand, but I trust her. I know what she means -- beyond her words. I get it.
Thanks, man. And I know where you’re coming from, too. Like she said, “choices.” It’s just a meeting. We’ll take it from there, right?
Well, whatever. Congrats, Babe.
Yeah, all right.
I’m sorry, Aunt Callie. I was just a little--
Of course, Lawrence. Of course. I am not offended. Not at all.
... But if I remember correctly, Ladies Sally and Jane were being hardened for combat ... Being taught the deadly, sacred
arts of
Ticklecraft! yeah? yeah.
There she is! Bridget Primavera! Welcome! Can’t tell you how excited we are! Cute hairdo, kid!
Thanks, thanks! This is exciting for me, too! Honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d have a job today! }
c
rak
Ow! My hand! Fellas! She’s a killer! All Right People, Let’s Do this thing! Yeah, ho ho! Watch out for me!
YEAH! Let's do this thing.
CE JOHN PEN ers tt le y, r o St i
rsk Joe Kozia Art
Lammas 2015 (that’s August 1)