BALANCE YOUR conflict by Dr. Jody Janati
GOT DRAMA?
DANGER OPPORTUNITY
CRISIS
REACTIVE & CREATIVE Consist of the same letters
Will you REACT [cause & effect] -orCREATE [cause the effect]
FIND YOUR BALANCE
“CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE” ~dr. Wayne Dyer
“Tact is the Art of Making a Point Without Making an Enemy” ~Isaac Newton
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT TACT s*&! YOU TEACH AT THE COLLEGE!”
WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!
“PEOPLE WILL CONTINUe TO BE WHO THEy ARE, DESPITE YOUR OPINION OF THEM”
“RUDENESS IS THE WEAK MAN’S IMITATION OF STRENGTH”
What is the Best Vitamin for a “Drama Free” person?
B1
DON’T DEFUSE THEM;
CONFUSE THEM! ~Dr. Janati
“A Problem Well Stated is a Problem Half Solved”
HOW DO I FOCUS ON THE ISSUE?
Feeling + Need
NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE Debatable Issue
Neutral Issue [noun]
He is too loud
The loud volume
You communicate poorly
The poor communication
We always argue
These frequent arguments
We failed on the project
The recent failure
I donated to the charity
The charity donation
She plans to resign
The planned resignation
I can’t believe she smokes
The smoking surprised me
I failed in my marriage
The failure of my marriage
He cheated on me
The cheating hurt me
She is rude to her staff
The rude behavior
“PARTIAL PARROTING”
.
Collaborative way to deliver difficult messages with tact STAR: To explain a situation or a concise point of view/action : Situation:
Set up the situation by describing the context [be brief and address who, where, what, when, why and how]
Task:
Describe the task you had to accomplish or the problem you had to solve
Action:
Explain the action/s you took to complete the task or solve the problem
Result:
Identify and quantify the result of your efforts; explain the outcome
NOTE: The STAR method works well for answering job/interview questions & delivering “bad news”
ARE YOUR RULES A PIC/NIC? PIC
NIC positive
negative
immediate
immediate
certain
certain
Arguments DiE with Neglect
“WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR CAN NOT, YOU ARE RIGHT” ~Henry Ford
Tolerate -vsAllow
[-] TOLERATE [-] Problem Have to Defensive Control Need Demand Resistance Force Fight Debate Destructive Repel Superiority React Hero Self-Centered Control Negative Deny Attack Emotional
[+] ALLOW [+] Solution Choose to Collaborative Balance Feeling Request No Resistance Face Unite Dialogue Constructive Attract Equality Respond Humble Higher Purpose Empower Positive Consider Concede Not Emotional
“Control Your Emotions or They Will Control You” ~Chinese Proverb
Listen and silent
“HEAR” AND NOW W
•WHY
A
•AM
I
•I
T
•TALKING
“Understand before trying to be understood” ~Stephen Covey
STOP! DON’T BE ANGRY!
Don’t should on PEOPLE
REDUCE RESISTANCE Eliminate these words and Find Your “Conversation Peace” SHOULD SHOULDN’T NEED TO STOP NOT OUGHT TO HAVE TO DON’T
“What You Resist, Persists” ~Carl Jung
LANGUAGE OF COLLABORATION MAY ● PREFER ● “I NOTICED & I’M WONDERING”
EXPLAINING WHAT IS WORKING ALWAYS HELPS. EXPLAINING WHAT ISN’T WORKING, NEVER WORKS
What do you stand “For”
want
don’t want
Power
Right Interest
CONSIDER YOUR TONE
AWARENESS = CHANGE 1. Tell them what they did [fact] 2. Tell them how it made you feel -orState a consequence of their behavior 3. Awareness Statement: “Point it out, Bring it up, Put it on your radar, Thought you should know, Wanted you to be aware...”
COLLABORATIVE SHAPING METHOD Step 1: I noticed you were talking throughout the 9 o’clock meeting. Step 2: When you talk during the meeting, I get frustrated that I have to repeat myself so everyone hears me clearly -or- When you talk during the meeting, it makes it difficult for others to hear what I am saying. Step 3: I wanted to point this out to you because we will be having a lot of meetings for this project.
Time to ACT!
Step 1 - A Ask/Invite Them to Talk or meet [wait 10 minutes] Step 2 - C Clear Concise Statement [10-15 words]
Step 3 - T Transfer Responsibility [repeat 10+ times]
HOW TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF: A
• ●acknowledge the person’s feelings by • stating what you see/feel: • “you are really upset.”
N
•note aloud what they said by paraphrasing them: “so, you are angry because I have been late for our last two team meetings?”
G
•gauge the intensity/importance of the issue: “is this something new or have you been concerned about this for awhile?
E
•engage in solutions to the problem being presented to you: “ok, the next time I am late…”
R
•remind them of your relationship intentions in a positive way: “I am sorry for upsetting you because I really enjoy working with you…
RECOGNIZE THE BLAME GAME ATTACK “ENTITLED” EMOTIONS
-DENY“IT’S NOT ME” -EXPLAIN-
DEFEND -GOSSIPEXAMPLES
EXCUSES
A PROFESSIONAL RESPONSE PUTS IT IN THE… P A S T
Polite & Professional interpersonal introduction and overall tone
Accountability puts the issue in the “PAST”
Agree with one of their points, Apologize & Appreciate a quality or service
Share how you plan to Solve your own problem, “next time I” or ask what to do Thank them for the opportunity to meet/communicate – Tell how you value them with a positive relationship statement
No Excuses!
YOU DO YOU!
GO. BE. LOVE. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.
THANK YOU!
.
FREE ONLINE BOOK
https://issuu.com/creativenorth/docs/teach_peace_please_share
Let’s Create a “MASTERPEACE”
Dr. Jody Janati | 651.210.2246
findyourconversationpeace.com findyourconversationpeace@gmail.com