BALANCE YOUR CONFLICT
PART ONE: IDENTIFY IMBALANCE
PASSIVE RESPONSES CREATE IMBALANCE
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last” ~ Sir Winston Churchill
The Choice to Use Passive Behavior as a Response to Others, Says, in Effect, That You: Allow others to violate your rights ●Don’t openly participate or share your thoughts and ideas ●Don’t want to deal with the issue/s at hand ●Always stick to the middle-of-the-road, refraining from taking a stand ●Allow others to make decisions for you ● Keep your voice low and/or avoid eye contact to keep from calling attention to yourself ●Agree with others despite your real feelings ●Bring harm/inconvenience to yourself to avoid harming/inconveniencing others ●Consider yourself less knowledgeable or less capable than others ●
Consequences of Passive Responses: ●
Your input will not be asked for or considered
when decisions are made. ●
Group issues will fester and this will create a
cautious climate for all members. ●
Decisions will be made for you by default with
no real consideration of your needs/wants/interests.
Points to Ponder Before Choosing a Passive Response:
Rejecting someone and/or ignoring them, is still a reaction. ●
Saying nothing is not equal to “saying nothing;” it is actually equal to “agreeing” with a behavior you don’t like. ●
When you don’t take care of your business, you actually force someone else to have to take care of it for you. ●
●
People are a lot stronger than you think.
AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES CREATE IMBALANCE
“Arguing is like trying to squeeze a handful of water; the more you squeeze the less water you get”
The Choice to Use Aggressive Behavior as a Response to Others, Says, in Effect, That You: Think it is ok to violate the rights of others ● Interrupt others when they are speaking ● Try to impose your position on others ● Often make decisions for others ● Threaten, accuse, blame and find fault with others with little regard for their feelings ● Bring harm or cause inconvenience to others rather than to yourself ● Consider yourself stronger and more capable than others ● Accept responsibility and positions of authority for the sole purpose of manipulation or to give you a means of influencing others ●
Consequences of Aggressive Responses: You will receive little to no feedback from others when you ask for their input. ●
There will be reduced synergy or learning in a group because you will be the only “expert.” ●
You will be surrounded by “yes” people who won’t offer valuable ideas. ●
You can expect a feeling of low empowerment from those who work with you. ●
Points to Ponder Before Choosing an Aggressive Response:
Aggression causes fear and when others are in fear, it cancels their intellect and they cannot help you. ●
Expressing disgust, anger, etc. is an emotional expression and people will only hear the emotion and not the words you are using to ask for help/service. ●
Argument is simply “reason giving;” you’re trying to convince others of your side of the issue and that you are right and they are wrong. You make claims and back them up. On the receiving end, it feels like you want them to recognize the rightness of your beliefs or actions and don’t want to find a resolution. ●
Can you be kind rather than right? It is easier to communicate when someone doesn’t have to be right. ●
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES CREATE IMBALANCE
“If you fault or blame someone, you have not managed the conflict, you have only communicated that they are your enemy”
The Choice to Use Passive/Aggressive Behavior as a Response to Others, Says, in Effect, That You: ● Will not be straight with others and you are ok with offering mixed messages about what you want. [This will keep others on edge, which solves nothing.] ● Don’t participate and share thoughts when it is appropriate [in a meeting], but become very vocal when the issue can no longer be addressed [in the lunch room or later with one or two people.] ● Deny people an opportunity to deal with the issue/s at hand in an authentic way, since opinions not expressed openly are difficult to deal with openly. ● Whisper or exclude some people from hearing your point of view; or make side comments that all cannot hear and no one can respond to since the comments were not addressed to the entire group.
Consequences of Passive/Aggressive Responses:
●
People will experience you as sneaky and/or snide.
There will be a lack of trust or a lack of values expressed in your presence. ●
When the people around you can’t trust you, it will result in a cynical group climate. ●
People may experience you as dramatic and someone who thrives in conflict. ●
Others will choose to have a surface level relationship with you. ●
Points to Ponder Before Choosing a Passive/Aggressive Response:
When people get accustomed to clear communication, they trust you more and test you less. A passive/aggressive response doesn’t allow for clear communication. ●
When you allow yourself to feel guilty about a situation you will most likely get stuck and think you don’t have to do anything to correct it. ●
“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength” ~Eric Hoffer
PART TWO: CHOOSE BALANCE
ASSERTIVE RESPONSES CREATE BALANCE
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy” ~Isaac Newton
The Choice to Use Assertive Behavior as a Response to Others, Says, in Effect, That You: Have the ability to stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others ● Allow others to complete their thoughts before you speak ● Stand up for the position that matches your feelings and/or the evidence ● Make our own decisions based on what you think is right ● Face problems and decisions squarely ● Consider yourself strong and capable, and generally equal to other people ● Face responsibility with respect to both the other’s and your situation, needs, interests and rights ●
Assertive Responses Show Positive Firmness, Which Demonstrates That You Can Effectively Communicate By: Pursuing your best interests without denying another’s rights ● Separating the person from the problem ● Focusing on shared interests, “ what do we both want/need?” ● Generating options to solve problems ● Sticking to the facts ● Showing little to no emotion during an interaction ● Choosing “I” statements before “You” statements, “I feel uncomfortable when you use that language…” ●
Benefits of Choosing an Assertive Response:
You can disagree using a straightforward statement. "I don't agree with your understanding of… “ ● You can identify the use of a statement that is not relevant to the conversation. "That's not the point…" ● You can reword negative labels by reframing them into positive words. "I am not being childish; I'm stating my view." ● You can repeat your main point until it is heard without anger. ● You can ask questions for clarification if you are not comfortable with a point. "How do you see me as childish or selfish?" ● You can state your feelings by using "I" statements that reflect your opinion about the situation. "I really feel this is important!" ● You can say "NO" directly. ●
ACTIVE LISTENING IS A WAY OF BEING ASSERTIVE
“The words LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters in them”
L.I.S.T.E.N.I.N.G. L
I
S
T
Let others talk by asking questions and use probes - short, open-ended questions to dig deeper into issues. Use a look that asks, "Then what/How?” Silence can be used to encourage a speaker to continue. “I” statements are crucial; speak from the self, using "I" (I think) statements, rather than speaking for others (we all think) or speaking in a passive tense. “I” statements do not make assumptions about others, or their opinions, and feelings. Summarize – give back a review or summary of what you heard. This helps make sure the communication is accurate and that the main ideas expressed reached you, the listener. Tell them what you heard through paraphrasing. Repeat, in your own words, what the other person has said; the restatement should be factual and not judge them in any way.
E
Encourage others by asking them, “tell me more about this” or give them a supportive comment like, “good idea” or “I like that approach.”
N
Nonverbally attend to others - use nonverbal indicators such as leaning forward, nodding your head, and sitting in an open, receptive posture.
I
Insist on listening without interrupting and then rephrase what you heard them say.
N
Never interrupt, deny, accuse or defend against the other’s talking points while they are speaking.
G
Gauge how it might feel, from their perspective, by reflecting and playing back the communication as you heard and felt it. Then, verbalize it for them: “you seem to feel very strongly about that.”
Benefits of Choosing an Assertive Response: You can disagree using a straightforward statement. "I don't agree with your understanding of… “ ● You can identify the use of a statement that is not relevant to the conversation. "That's not the point…" ● You can reword negative labels by reframing them into positive words. "I am not being childish; I'm stating my view." ● You can repeat your main point until it is heard without anger. ● You can ask questions for clarification if you are not comfortable with a point. "How do you see me as childish or selfish?" ● You can state your feelings by using "I" statements that reflect your opinion about the situation. "I really feel this is important!" ● You can say "NO" directly. ●
When you are simply present with someone, you are “responding” to them. You can sit in silence while offering them your intense presence and that alone will calm most people. Presence communicates an authentic message to the receiver akin to, “I see you”; “I validate you” and “I understand and am listening to you,” without you even having to say anything. We are human beings and not human doings.
PART THREE: RESPOND WITH BALANCE AND FIND YOUR “CONVERSATION PEACE”
RESPONSE THAT REDUCES TENSION: SHAPING METHOD
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless” ~Mother Teresa
Response that Reduces Tension: Shaping Method This method allows you to tow a line with someone without telling them what to do, causing little resistance. Step 1 Tell them what they did [address it immediately and speak with little to no emotion] Step 2 Tell them how it made you feel -or- State a consequence of their behavior
Step 3 Tell them you, “thought they should know; wanted to bring it to their attention; needed to tell them; wanted to put it on their radar; wanted them to be aware of how you feel…”
Shaping Method Example: Step 1: I noticed you were talking throughout the 9 o’clock meeting today. Step 2: When you talk during the meeting, I get frustrated that I have to repeat myself so everyone hears me clearly -or- When you talk during the meeting, it makes it difficult for others to hear what I am saying. Step 3: I wanted to point this out to you because we will be having a lot of meetings for this project.
[KEY – by not asking them or telling them what to do or how to change, you are simply creating awareness of the issue at hand and allowing the person to make a personal decision and own his/her actions. In the presence of no resistance, most people will feel respected & comply.]
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY MINIMIZING RESISTANCE
“What you resist, persists” ~Carl Jung
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY MINIMIZING RESISTANCE:
“I disagree with what you did, not with who you are.” “Help me understand…” “It is not you against me; it is us against the problem.” “Let’s not do this – this won’t help the situation.” “I’m not sure I agree with your understanding of ___, please tell me more.” “We are on the same side.” “In my experience. . .” [can anyone argue with your experience?] Limit your use of the words, “never, always, but, actually, the truth is, and unfortunately.
Avoid trapping others with statements ending in YOU. “You’re going to finish that project tonight aren’t YOU?” “That just doesn’t sound like something you would say and I am confused as to how I should respond.” “I don’t want to do this with you, we are both better than this behavior.” “I can see how upset you are with me; I hope you know how much I value working with you.” “It’s hard for me to admit that I’m wrong; thank you for helping me through this misunderstanding.” “I can assure you we have similar goals.” “I am at a loss; I have no idea what to do right now except to tell you that I want us to get along.”
“I noticed” – This is not an evaluation message, but rather a descriptive one, “I noticed you have been leaving work early this week.” “I understand why you need to leave when I get tense; I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to experience me like that.” “It sounds like you have been through a lot; I will keep good thoughts for you.” “Maybe we should just be/work together without talking for awhile.” “I understand how you might see it that way and you may be right; I guess I didn’t experience it like that.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY CHANGING THE CONTEXT
“We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are” ~Anais Nin
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY CHANGING THE CONTEXT Replace “no” with “yes” – “Yes you can go on break, as soon as Bob gets back from his.”
“I disagree with what you did/said, not with who you are; it isn’t you against me; it’s us against this issue and we are in this together.” “I didn’t intend to imply that everything was your fault; I know we were both responsible for what happened.” “Please don’t give up on me; we are a team and we need to stick together.” When an insult is hurled your way, thank them for caring, “I am glad to see you are upset about this because it shows that you care about this project.”
Offer a partial “recording” of the conversation – repeat what they said, by paraphrasing their words in a new tone. “Yes, I have been late every Tuesday to the 9am meeting…”
Turn complaining [what they do] into asking [what you want them to do], “She is unprofessional” turns into, “I would like her to refrain from making personal calls at work.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY HELPING YOU DETACH FROM THE DRAMA
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY HELPING YOU DETACH FROM THE DRAMA “I understand how you might see it that way and it may be true; I just don’t feel like it happened like that.”
“You might be right.” “That could be how it occurred for you, however...” “That’s too bad you see it that way.” “Please know I hear and understand you.” “You could have a point there.” “Everyone is entitled to their opinion.” “I am sorry you feel things aren’t going the way you would like.”
“Yes, that’s one opinion.” “I guess we all experience things differently.” “My understanding of the situation is a bit different.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REDUCING URGENCY & HELP YOU DEFER YOUR RESPONSE
“Mastering others requires force. mastering the self requires strength” ~Tao Te Ching
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REDUCING URGENCY & HELP YOU DEFER YOUR RESPONSE “Please know I need some time to sort out what is going on between us and I will talk to you about it when I am ready.” “Let’s stop what we are doing to one another right now and work on calming down.” “Why don’t we think about our conversation, cool off and talk about it again later.” Ask people to put their complaints in writing to sort out the complaints from the real problems. “We seem to be stuck at the moment; can we try this again tomorrow/later?” “Let’s come back to this one.”
“You gave me a lot to think about; you’ll get my answer in the morning.” “You bring up an interesting sub point; let’s take it offline and address it one on one after the meeting.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REROUTING WITH A QUESTION
“Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of emotion” ~Robert Quillen
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REROUTING WITH A QUESTION Ask a question regarding a consequence of their behavior, “what happens if we don’t order the parts by Friday?” Name their game, “you wouldn’t be trying to kick me off of this copier would you?” “Rather than complaining about my behavior, will you tell me what you’d like me to do?” “What makes you ask?” “Are you asking me if xyz?” “You seem to know a lot about the situation; do you have any practical solutions to the issues you are raising?” “I want us to get along; what can I say or do to make it right with you right now?”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY FOCUSING ON A SOLUTION
“Understand before trying to be understood” ~Stephen Covey
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY FOCUSING ON A SOLUTION “Next time” demonstrates how to behave towards expectations, “Next time I would appreciate it if you would tell someone when you need to leave work early.” Acknowledge the problem and move to the solution “Thank you for sharing and I understand what you are saying; NOW we need to...”
Avoid saying you can’t, “Let me see what I can do; It looks like we have a few options here…” “I feel ___When you ___Because ___What I need is ___ Are you able to work with me on this?” “How are you going to resolve this issue?” “When do you expect to resolve this matter?”
“When should I expect this to be done?” “How can we change this?” “Will you see that this gets accomplished?” “How can you best handle this?” “What would you like to do about that?”
“How do you think we should approach this in the future so we don’t end up arguing about it again?” Focus on problems created when rules are broken and state what you’d prefer, “When you use sarcasm with me and are short with me, our trust diminishes; I would like for us to get along and respect one another.”
Link the cause and the effect, “When you visit with your co-workers your work doesn’t get done.” Use an if/then sequence of speaking, “IF our team is to function in a healthy manner THEN you must keep us informed.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REPEATING THE RESPONSE: TOWING THE LINE
“Control your emotions or they will control you” ~Chinese Proverb
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REPEATING THE RESPONSE: TOWING THE LINE Use the ACT Method to Tow the Line Step 1 - A
Ask them to meet with you by inviting them for a specific meeting. “Can I speak with you after the 2 o’clock meeting?” Be sure to offer them at least 10 minutes between the greeting and the meeting.
Step 2 - C
Clear concise statements are best; state the issue at hand in 10-15 words or less. “You have been late 3 times this week.” “Ok kids, you have 5 minutes to pick out your books before bed.” “Your behavior at the conference this weekend upset me.”
Step 3 - T
Transfer responsibility onto the person you are confronting by using a statement that sets the confrontation into motion towards a solution.
Note: You will use “you or we” language here so you don’t end up owning their problem. “What can you do to make sure you are on time next week?” “What can we do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?” Talking Points for the ACT Method: Transfer statements put accountability into action and make things happen. You will need to be prepared for a few rebuttals, to where you will repeat the transfer statement a number of times. Depending on the emotional level of the interaction, you may need to repeat the transfer statement over 40 times. Once you receive verbal compliance to step 3 [the transfer statement], you can add a step 4 to include a consequence. Step 4 entails you offering a consequence if they do not comply with what they have just agreed to do, “If you are late two more times to the Tuesday meeting, another project manager will be assigned to the task.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REINFORCING YOUR MESSAGE USING STRAIGHT FORWARD COMMUNICATION
“If you are patient in the moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow” ~Chinese Proverb
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT BY REINFORCING YOUR MESSAGE USING STRAIGHT FORWARD COMMUNICATION “I am feeling upset right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to take it out on you. I do need your assistance. Is it a good time to meet?” “I want you to know that I would never speak to you the way you are speaking to me right now.” [be direct and honest because awareness can change behavior] “You don’t have my permission to be in conflict with me right now.” [remember: staying calm and emotionally detached while speaking, allows your words to be heard] “You should know that I am not going to let you continue speaking to me this way and I may need to get up and leave.”
“I’d be happy to help you once we can focus on the issue.” “I understand you are upset, however, it’s hard for me to find a solution when I am spoken to this way.” “I’d like to make this work but I can’t focus on helping you when you continue to yell at me/act this way.” [describe their behavior = focus on the person’s behavior rather than labeling them as a person] Give them two options and let them choose their own alternative. [each option is acceptable to you] [Fact] – “When you interrupt me,” [Feeling] – “I feel frustrated that my point goes unheard, [Awareness] “I thought I should bring it to your attention/point it out/make you aware of it.”
Address inappropriate language or behavior with the following responses: “please reconsider what you just said.” “would you like to repeat that?” “what? I’m sure I didn’t hear that right…” “use different language; that is unacceptable.” “what did you just say?” “there must be a reason you said…” “Here’s what I am able to do right now to help with our misunderstanding…”
“I need you to know that even if you don’t agree with me, I feel hurt when you don’t take me seriously.” “Sometimes when you talk to me that way, I feel like nothing.” “I would like you to hear where I am coming from; it doesn’t mean you have to agree with me.”
Use a “stop” gesture [by holding out your palm] to communicate your intention to disengage from an unhealthy interaction. After a direct confrontation with someone, continue to give them the same treatment you did before the confrontation = don’t ignore them or give them any extra attention.
RESPONSES THAT HELP YOU EXPRESS, RECEIVE AND WORK THROUGH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF ANGER
“Anger is one letter short of danger” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
RESPONSES THAT HELP YOU EXPRESS, RECEIVE AND WORK THROUGH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF ANGER Express your anger in a healthy way: Speak in a matter of fact tone, with little to no expression of emotion, “I am angry” just like, “I am hungry” or, “I am tired.” [ask yourself, “when I am hungry I don’t chew on my arm, so why would I yell/hit something when feeling angry?]
Be authentic and state aloud, “I am angry, not sure what I am capable of doing/saying right now and I need to stop this discussion to keep it healthy.” Mindfully remove yourself from the direct area of the tense interaction. Exhale and imagine the anger leaving your body as you count to 100.
RESPONSES THAT HELP YOU EXPRESS, RECEIVE AND WORK THROUGH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF ANGER
A N G E
R
Acknowledge the person’s feelings by stating what you see/feel: “you are really upset.” Note aloud what they said by paraphrasing them: “so, you are angry because I have been late for our last two team meetings?” Gauge the intensity/importance of the issue: “is this something new or have you been concerned about this for awhile? Engage in solutions to the problem being presented to you: “ok, the next time I am late you immediately text me; If I am late again I will type up the minutes and then you won’t have to do that.” Remind them of your relationship intentions in a positive way: “I am sorry for upsetting you because I really enjoy working with you and hope we will continue to collaborate on future projects.”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT USING FEEL/NEED STATEMENTS
“People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”
RESPONSES THAT BALANCE CONFLICT USING FEEL/NEED STATEMENTS “I am feeling overwhelmed because everyone seems to be talking at once.”
“I need you to hear what I am saying so we all understand the task before us.” ▪Respond to Emotions with a Feeling/Need Sequence “So you are feeling anxious about the move… … and need to know more about how it will be conducted?” ▪Offer Praise with a Feeling/Need Sequence Tell the person what they did specifically, how it made you feel and what need it met for you. “I noticed you traded toys with your sister and it made me feel very proud of you because we value [need] sharing in this family.”
▪Solve a Problem with a Feeling/Need Sequence “Can we back up for a minute? I feel confused about what we are doing and… need to understand it from a big picture point of view first.” ▪Respond to another’s Anger with a Feeling/Need Sequence “I can see you are feeling deceived and… need to know what was specifically said in your absence.” ▪Compromise with a Feeling/Need Sequence “I am feeling stuck on this issue and… need to know you are committed to attending these meetings. Can you agree to email me when you know you are going to be absent?” ▪Ask for What You Want with a Feeling/Need Sequence “I feel confident about my decision to change jobs and … need to know what you need to make this work for our family.
RESPONSE THAT BALANCES CONFLICT WITH A MESSAGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY: P.A.S.T.
“Being present with someone is a response” ~Dr. Janati
RESPONSE THAT BALANCES CONFLICT WITH A MESSAGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY: PUT IT IN THE PAST Assertive communication contains a tone of accountability that stops the blame and neutralizes the issue/problem. In other words, Accountability = Ownership. Following are the components needed when constructing an accountable and drama free message, which allows you to put the issue in the “PAST…”
P
Be sure to include a Polite and Professional introduction and maintain this tone throughout the interaction. “I hope this email finds you well. I have been thinking about you since our last interaction.”
A
Be willing to Apologize for anything in which you are responsible, verbally Agree with one or more of their talking points, and find a quality or behavior of theirs you can Appreciate and Admire it aloud. “I have come to realize it was wrong of me to talk poorly about our work processes to anyone other than our team and I apologize for doing so. Please know I realize how much time you put into these projects and appreciate your hard work.”
S
Tell them how you intend to/plan to Solve the issue at hand or ask them directly what can be done to resolve it. “Next time I will…” “How would you like me to handle discrepancies with our work orders as we move forward?”
T
Thank them for the opportunity to meet/communicate and Target a positive interpersonal message. “Thank you for hearing me out; I am glad we discussed this issue because I enjoy working with you and want to ensure we are on the same page.
RESPONSE THAT BALANCES CONFLICT BY SAYING “NO” DIRECTLY
“NO is a complete sentence”
RESPONSE THAT BALANCES CONFLICT BY SAYING “NO” DIRECTLY Step 1: Acknowledge the other’s Feelings “I can see you are excited about your new job selling insurance and that it is going well for you.” Step 2: State Your Position “I am happy with my current insurance provider and am not interested in changing providers at this time.”
Step 3: Say No “So thank you so much for thinking of me and no, I am not interested in purchasing insurance from you right now.”
FINAL POINTS TO PONDER
“Say what you mean, mean what you say and don’t be mean when you say it”
FINAL POINTS TO PONDER People will continue to be who they are no matter what you think of them.
You may not be able to change others, but you can work to better understand them. The more you understand someone, the easier it is to forgive them. Most of us want to get along with others and like who we see, in the mirror, at the end of the day. When you choose a conscious, balanced, assertive response, it allows you to communicate in an authentic way and feel good about your response. People don’t change; responses change. Choose wisely.
MAY YOU FIND YOUR “CONVERSATION PEACE”
Dr. Jody Janati 651.210.2246 jodyjanati@yahoo.com www.findyourconversationpeace.com