TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
101 THINGS TO SAY & DO DURING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
“We hear and we forget; we see and we remember; we do and we understand”
~ Chinese Proverb
1
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Help Balance Drama & Resistance
▪ “I disagree with what you did, not with who you are.”
▪ “It is not you against me; it is us against the problem.”
▪ “Let’s not do this – this won’t help the situation.”
▪ “I’m not sure I agree with your understanding of ___, please tell me more.”
▪ “We are on the same side.”
▪ “In my experience. . .” [can anyone argue with your experience?]
▪ “That just doesn’t sound like something you would say and I am confused as to how I should respond.”
▪ “I can assure you we have similar goals.”
▪ “I don’t want to do this with you, we are both better than this behavior.”
▪ “I can see how upset you are with me; I hope you know how much I value working with you.”
▪ “It’s hard for me to admit that I’m wrong; thank you for helping me through this misunderstanding.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Resistance Continued
▪“I am at a loss; I have no idea what to do right now except to tell you that I want us to get along.”
▪Limit your use of the words, “never, always, but, actually, the truth is, and unfortunately.”
▪“I noticed” – This is not an evaluation message, but rather a descriptive one. “I noticed you have been leaving work early this week.”
▪“I understand why you need to leave when I get tense; I am sure it is uncomfortable for you to experience me like that.”
▪“It sounds like you have been through a lot; I will keep good thoughts for you.”
▪“Maybe we should just be/work together without talking for awhile.”
▪Avoid trapping others with statements ending in “YOU.”
“You’re going to finish that project tonight aren’t YOU?”
▪“I understand how you might see it that way and you may be right; I guess I didn’t experience it like that.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Tension & Help Detach from the Drama
▪“I understand how you might see it that way and it may be true; I just don’t feel like it happened like that.”
▪“You might be right.”
▪“That could be how it occurred for you, however I experienced as...”
▪“That’s too bad you see it that way.”
▪“Please know I hear and understand you.”
▪“You could have a point there.”
▪“Everyone is entitled to their opinion.”
▪“I am sorry you feel things aren’t going the way you would like.”
▪“Yes, that’s one opinion; I guess we each experience things differently.”
▪“My understanding of the situation is a bit different.”
4
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context
▪Replace “no” with “yes” - “Yes you can go on break, as soon as Bob gets back from his.”
▪“I disagree with what you did/said, not with who you are.”
▪“It isn’t you against me; it’s us against this issue and we are in this together.”
▪State your positive intention - “It’s important for us to work together well and I am eager to resolve our differences on this matter.”
▪“I didn’t intend to imply that everything was your fault; I know we were both responsible for what happened.”
▪Save face for the other person by sincerely owning the issue at hand
“What have I done to cause this tension between us?”
“I want a better relationship with you, what can I do to make sure this happens?”
▪“Please don’t give up on me; we are a team and we need to stick together.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context Continued
▪When an insult is hurled your way, thank them for caring
“I am glad to see you are upset about this because it shows that you care about this project.”
▪Offer a partial “recording” of the conversation – repeat what they said, by paraphrasing their words in a new tone.
“Yes, I have been late every Tuesday to the 9am meeting…”
▪Turn complaining [what they do] into asking [what you want them to do]
“She is unprofessional.” turns into, “I would like her to refrain from making personal calls at work.”
6
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Drama by Reducing Urgency & Help Defer Your Response
▪“Please know I need some time to sort out what is going on between us and I will talk to you about it when I am ready.”
▪“Let’s stop what we are doing to one another right now and work on calming down.”
▪“Why don’t we think about our conversation, cool off and talk about it again later.”
▪Ask people to put their complaints in writing; this will sort out the minor complaints from the real problems.
▪“We seem to be stuck at the moment; can we try this again tomorrow/later?”
▪“You gave me a lot to think about; you’ll get my answer in the morning.”
▪“Let’s come back to this one.”
▪“You bring up an interesting sub point; let’s take it offline and address it one on one after the meeting.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Discord by Rerouting with a Question
▪Ask a question regarding a consequence of their behavior, “What happens if we don’t order the parts by Friday?”
▪Name their game
“You wouldn’t be trying to kick me off of this copier would you?”
▪“Rather than complaining about my behavior, can you help me understand what you’d like me to do?”
▪“What makes you ask?”
▪“Are you asking me if xyz?”
▪“You seem to know a lot about the situation; do you have any practical solutions to the issues you are raising?”
▪“I want us to get along; what can I say or do to make it right with you right now?”
▪“How would you feel or react if someone said/did…”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions
▪“Next time” demonstrates how to behave towards expectations
“Next time I would appreciate it if you’d tell someone when you need to leave work early.”
▪Show acknowledgment and move on to the solution
“Thank you for sharing and I understand what you are saying; NOW we need to...”
▪Avoid saying you can’t
“Let me see what I can do; It looks like we have a few options here…
▪“I feel ___ When you ___. What I need is ___. Are you able to work with me on this?”
▪“How are you going to resolve this issue?”
▪“When do you expect to resolve this matter?”
▪“How can we change this?”
▪Link the cause and the effect
“When you visit with your co-workers your work doesn’t get done.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions Continued
▪Highlight what is at stake for the other person
“Once we resolve this miscommunication, customer service should increase and your department will have a lot less work.”
▪“What can you do to ensure this gets accomplished?”
▪Use an if/then sequence of speaking, “IF our team is to function in a healthy manner THEN you must keep us informed.”
▪“What would you like to do about that?”
▪“How do you think we should approach this in the future so we don’t end up arguing about it again?”
▪Focus on problems created when rules are broken and state what you’d prefer. “When you use sarcasm with me and are short with me, our trust diminishes; I would like for us to get along and respect one another.”
▪“How might you best handle this?”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message
▪“I am feeling upset right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to take it out on you. I do need your assistance. Is it a good time to meet?”
▪“I want you to know that I would never speak to you the way you are speaking to me right now.” [be direct and honest because awareness can change behavior]
▪“You don’t have my permission to be in conflict with me right now.” [remember: staying calm and emotionally detached while speaking, allows your words to be heard]
▪“You should know that I am not going to let you continue speaking to me this way and I may need to get up and leave.”
▪“I understand you are upset, however, it’s hard for me to find a solution when I am spoken to this way.”
▪“I would like you to hear where I am coming from; it doesn’t mean you have to agree with me.”
▪Use a “stop” gesture [by holding out your palm] to communicate your intention to disengage from an unhealthy interaction.
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message Continued
▪Describe their behavior in a factual way by focusing on the person’s behavior rather than labeling them as a person
“I’d like to make this work but I can’t focus on helping you when you continue to yell at me/act this way.” Rather than, “You are acting like a crazy person!”
▪ “Here’s what I am able to do right now to help with our misunderstanding…”
▪[Fact] “When you interrupt me,” [Feeling] “I feel frustrated that my point goes unheard, [Awareness] “I thought I should bring it to your attention/point it out/make you aware of it.”
▪Address inappropriate language or behavior with one of the following responses: “please reconsider what you just said; would you like to repeat that; what, I’m sure I didn’t hear you right; use different language please.”
▪ “I’d be happy to help you once we can focus on the issue.”
▪“I need you to know that even if you don’t agree with me, I feel hurt when you don’t take me seriously.”
▪Give them two options and let them choose their own alternative. [each option is acceptable to you]
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Make Use of a Feeling/Need Language Sequence
▪ Manage Behavior – “I am feeling overwhelmed b/c everyone seems to be talking at once and I need to know that you all hear what I am saying and understand the course content.”
▪ Respond to Emotions – “So you are feeling frustrated about your grade and need to know if you are going to pass the class?”
▪ Offer Praise – tell them what they did specifically/how it made you feel and what need it met for you.
▪ Solve a Problem – “I feel confident about this solution… what do you need to best work with me?”
▪ Compromise – “I am feeling stuck on this issue and need to know you are committed to attending class. Can you email me when you know you are going to be absent?”
▪ Relate - “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated/nervous/upset and you might need a break to calm down.”
13
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Remind Them of Rules and Policies & Help Them Create a Win
▪“Our code of conduct doesn’t support this kind of behavior/response.”
▪“The organizational process for doing this is…”
▪“It’s good to learn these skills because in the near future we will be…”
▪“As you advance in your career, it is a good idea to be mindful of…”
▪“I used to do/say that too, and then I realized/learned that it was not effective here.”
14
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Gather More Information & Ask For More Details
▪“Could you say more about that?”
▪“What do you mean?”
▪ “Help me understand this better…”
▪“How did you come to that conclusion/determine that?”
▪“I think I heard you saying __________. Is that correct?”
15
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Response that Communicates a Clear “No”
Be Succinct:
1] Acknowledge the other’s feelings: “I can see you are frustrated for having missed the new policy information during your absence.”
2] State your position: “The new policy is also online and quite clear and I want to remain fair to it for consistency with the staff.”
3] Say no: “So no, I am not going to allow you to do it the old way.”
16