Collaborative COMMUNICATIOn FINDBALANCEYOUR by Dr. Jody Janati
GOT DRAMA?
CRISIS DANGER OPPORTUNITY
REACTIVE & CREATIVE Consist of the same letters Will you REACT [cause & effect] CREATE[cause the effect]
“PEOPLE WILL CONTINUe TO BE WHO THEy ARE, DESPITE YOUR OPINION OF THEM”
“RUDENESS IS THE WEAK MAN’S IMITATION OF STRENGTH”
What is the Best Vitamin for a person?
“Drama Free”
CLICHÉ FACT OPINION EMOTION COMMON COMMUNICATIONPATTERN
Eliminate these words and Find Your “Conversation Peace” SHOULD SHOULDN’T NEED TO STOP NOT OUGHT TO HAVE TO DON’T REDUCE RESISTANCE
LANGUAGE OF COLLABORATION MAY ● PREFER ● “I NOTICED & I’M WONDERING”
HOW DO I FOCUS ON THE ISSUE? Feeling + Need
DON’T DEFUSE THEM; CONFUSE THEM! ~Dr. Janati
. Collaborative way to deliver difficult messages with tact : ituation: Set up the situation by describing the context [be brief and address who, where, what, when, why and how] ask: Describe the task you had to accomplish or the problem you had to solve Action: Explain the action/s you took to complete the task or solve the problem esult: Identify and quantify the result of your efforts; explain the outcome NOTE: The STAR method works well for answering job/interview questions & delivering “bad news” STAR To explain a situation or a concise point of view/action
ARE YOUR RULES A PIC/NIC? positive immediatecertain PIC negative immediatecertain NIC
Arguments DiE with Neglect
Tolerate -vsAllow
] TOLERATE [ ] [+] ALLOW [+] Problem Solution Have to Choose to Defensive Collaborative Control Balance Need Feeling Demand Request Resistance No Resistance Force Face Fight Unite Debate Dialogue Destructive Constructive Repel Attract Superiority Equality React Respond Hero Humble Self Centered Higher Purpose Control Empower Negative Positive Deny Consider Attack Concede Emotional Not Emotional
“Control Your Emotions or They Will Control You” ~Chinese Proverb
Listen and silent
•WHYW •AMA •II •TALKINGT “HEAR” AND NOW
~Stephen Covey
“Understand before trying to be understood”
FIVE STAR SPEAKING FORMAT
SPEAKING • Start with: a question, a general welcome, a quotation, a fact or statistic, or do something dramatic.S • Point to your audience first: like many of you, we can all agree, most of us, our main concern today is, etc.P • Establish credibility: mention your title, position, skill, history, experience, education level, age, work role, intention, past efforts, personal connections or group membership.E • Assign a goal/purpose for your presentation: to inform, to persuade or to entertain.A • Keep your speech to a few main points: you will literally list/state your main points [1 5 points] here.K INTRODUCTION
SANDWICH IT Match the ◊Ω * Symbols/Content in the Introduction with the Matching ◊Ω * Symbols/Content in the Conclusion INTRODUCTION ◊S Start with: a question, a general welcome, a quotation, a fact or statistic, or do something dramatic. P Point to your audience first: like many of you, we can all agree, most of us, our main concern today is, etc. E Establish credibility: mention your title, position, skills, history, experience, education level, age, work role, intention, past efforts, personal connections or group membership. ΩA Assign a goal/purpose for your presentation: to inform, to persuade or to entertain. *K Keep your speech to a few main points: you will literally list/state your main points [1 5 points] here. CONCLUSION ΩE Explain what your main purpose was [restate your goal in the past tense – match what you said in step “A” of the introduction]. *N Note each of the main points you just covered [restate each point in the past tense and match what you said in step “K” of the introduction]. ◊D Directly refer and relate back to your attention catcher to end your talk and match what you said in the “S” step of the introduction.
Is It Failure or Feedback?
Sometimes we need to draw the line and “set a boundary”
TWODIVISIONVISIONS=
AWARENESS = CHANGE 1. Tell them what they did [fact] 2. Tell them how it made you feel -orState a consequence of their behavior 3. Awareness Statement: “Point it out, Bring it up, Put it on your radar, Thought you should know, Wanted you to be aware...”
COLLABORATIVE SHAPING METHOD
Step 1: I noticed you were talking throughout the 9 o’clock meeting.
Step 3: I wanted to point this out to you because we will be having a lot of meetings for this project.
Step 2: When you talk during the meeting, I get frustrated that I have to repeat myself so everyone hears me clearly or When you talk during the meeting, it makes it difficult for others to hear what I am saying.
Power InterestRight CONSIDER YOUR TONE
Time to ACT! Step 1 - A Ask/Invite Them to Talk or meet [wait 10 minutes] Step 2 - C [10ConciseClearStatement15words] Step 3 - T Transfer [repeatResponsibility10+times]
STOP! DON’T BE ANGRY!
TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF:
HOW
• ●acknowledge the person’s feelings by • stating what you see/feel: • “you are really upset.”A •note aloud what they said by paraphrasing them: “so, you are angry because I have been late for our last two team meetings?”N •gauge the intensity/importance of the issue: “is this something new or have you been concerned about this for awhile?G •engage in solutions to the problem being presented to you: “ok, the next time I am late…”E •remind them of your relationship intentions in a positive way: “I am sorry for upsetting you because I really enjoy working with you…R
“I am sorry to hear that my interaction with Rebecca was received the way it was... As you may know I can be quite frank when I speak and also have good intentions for people in I was not “cussing you out;” I was confused about the messages we had exchanged and quite upset and bummed out because I thought you had given me additional classes when in fact that was not the case... I told her this was not the first time we have had miscommunication, which is absolutely true; our communication styles are very different in general and we both know that. I also very specifically laughed about the situation and told Rebecca that I shouldn't worry about it too much b/c your institution supports me in the summer when I am not working at the U of MN and you always have been good to me; did she happen to mention that? Again, I have no problem with you, I just had a brief “moment” about the situation and apologize if it was heard to be against you personally.”
AN UNPROFESSIONAL RESPONSE
RECOGNIZE THE BLAME GAME EXCUSES ATTACK “ENTITLED” EMOTIONS DEFEND -GOSSIPEXAMPLES -DENY“IT’S NOT ME” -EXPLAIN-
Accountabilityputstheissueinthe “PAST” P Polite & Professional interpersonal introduction and overall tone A Agree with one of their points, Apologize & Appreciate a quality or service S Share how you plan to Solve your own problem, “next time I” or ask what to do T Thank them for the opportunity to meet/communicate – Tell how you value them with a positive relationship statement A PROFESSIONAL RESPONSE PUTS IT IN THE…
“I hope this email finds you well. I have had you on my mind since that incidence with Rebecca. I wanted to tell you that in hindsight, I realize my behavior, no matter what the intention, was unprofessional and wrong. I should not have said anything to anyone, other than you, my supervisor, about my classes. Please know that I truly apologize for causing additional stress at the beginning of the term and how much you work for the benefit of adjunct instructors general. I appreciate your work & can only imagine difficult it must be to accommodate everyone from your college. I support you and your efforts and enjoy having working relationship with you. Be assured my intentions good; thank you for hearing me.” A PROFESSIONAL RESPONSE
Greetings Jody, I want to apologize for my emotional outburst this evening. As I have thought about it, I can see that you were right about me being mad because I did not really want to be here. However, I understand how important a college education is, and I am changing my attitude. Be rest assured that I will handle myself better in the future. I am interested in the challenges presented by your class, and I appreciate you as an instructor and your patience. Thank you. Hope you have a good night.
SAMPLE STUDENT APOLOGY
Create BALANCE &
Atone
RESIST TOLERATE INDIFFERENCE ALLOW FORGIVE
Move On… Let It Go… Get Over It… Life Goes On… It Is What It Is… And So It Goes… Put It In The Past… What’s Done Is Done… Art of FORGIVENESS
Atone and make it right -“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me.” -“My mouth just engages before I think sometimes. I’m sorry.” -“I apologize. I’m having a bad day & didn’t intend to hurt you. I am sorry.” “I’m sorry. What I said/did was mean and I can see it hurt you. Please forgive me.” -“When we disagreed, I should have kept my cool. Please accept my apology.” -“Everything happened so fast. I realize I said some things I shouldn’t have in the heat of the moment. I am sorry.” “I’m sorry for xyz. I would prefer that we focus on the future rather than the past; is that okay with you?” -“In hindsight I believe I sounded angry? Please know I was trying to be clear and my intention was not to hurt you.”
“when you argue with reality you lose,but only 100% of the time” ~Byron Katie Should / shouldn’t / don’t / stop / not have to / need to / ought to/ can’t / no
YOU DO YOU!
What Do you Do?
THANK YOU!
FREE ONLINE BOOK https://issuu.com/creativenorth/docs/teach_peace_please_share
Let’s Create a “MASTERPEACE” Dr. Jody Janati | 651.210.2246 findyourconversationpeace.com findyourconversationpeace@gmail.com
