Critic - 2024 Issue 13

Should the Uni turn campus grass into a dairy farm? We asked the Debating Society

Screw it, it’s the Tabloid issue. If there’s any week I’m allowed to be petty (18A), it’s this one (it’s also the last print night of the semester and I’m a shiraz deep). I’m fed up with being harassed about the crossword –part of the magazine I didn’t even realise, until taking over editorship this year, that anyone actually cared about.

As you may have noticed by now, the crossword is at the bottom of my priority list when it comes to the magazine’s content. Last year, I watched on with mild confusion when former Editor Fox printed a ‘Days Since This Office Had a Crossword Error’ tally and put it behind his desk. Before I began working for Critic, I wAs one of those diehards who would pick up a copy of the magazine as soon as it hit stands and read it cover to cover, skipping the puzzles section as I went. They weren’t really of interest to me – I wanted the gossip. I don’t want this to come across as a whine. Everyone has different interests, and part of what I love about Critic is there’s something for most students in the magazine. I love hearing stories of flatmates Bonding over the crossword puzzle. A lot of the cover letters from applicant staff writers this year actually referenced their love for the crossword, too. It’s like a gateway drug. And I’m gonna say it: I wish more of y’all would go through the gateway to the actual content of the magazine rather than banging on the door in outrage at typos.

I’m never going to fully shit on engagement with the magazine. Any publicity is good publicity, and to a certain extent it can be a relief to have an inbox full of complaints about minor errors like forgetting to bold a connected clue or that an answer once again has American spelling, rather than an email telling us we accidentalLy started another Critic scandal. Where I become annoyed, however, is when the first words out of someone’s mouth who I’m introduced to at a party are “crossword” and “typo”. I’m fully aware that it’s our fault for including so many errors in there, but like I said, I’m going to be petty this week.

Everyone at Critic puts a fuckload of work into producing a 48-page magazine with fresh content every week. Every goddamn week. Last week’s feature was the product of over a month of extensive investigation into drink spiking in a way that hasn’t been seen before. The endeavour involved a lot of emotional labour from the authors. It was a similar stOry with the Palestine feature. It’s safe to say that the bulk of our time and energy goes toward doing articles like this justice. A lot of the time, after a day spent painstakingly going through articles with a fine-tooth comb, the crossword – while checked – is the least of my worries. This is turning into a whine. Let’s make it a bit more fun. I love that y’all love the crossword. And we’ll try to do better to make sure that the experience of doing the crossword (which is already infuriating, as the maker is an evIl genius) is frustrating for the right reasons. I’d hate to add to your stressful plates, especially with exams around the corner. Watching the state of the student staff of Critic slowly deteriorate into uni-induced mania has been bad enough.

So, here’s my compromise. I promise to do better. But in return, please actually read the magazine. Then when you talk to me about Critic, I’ll be much more chatty – in our Monday morning Hot Off the Press segment, RaDio One had to introduce a timer to stop me from yapping at length about the content of the mag. And so, inspired by Taylor Swift’s love of easter eggs, for the crossword this week some of the clues require hunting in the magazine for them – starting with the editorial (5D). Good luck, and let me know what you think of the content!

NINA BROWN

Otago Joins Nationwide

Tertiary Palestine Protest 6

Pending: Closed Captioned Lecture Recordings Policy 7

Gone Rogue! Host Flat of Ball Wrecked 8

Eggspiracy Afoot! 9

EXCLUSIVE! Salacious OUSA

Exec Quotes 10

Junior Doc Strikes Have Med Students “Concerned” 11

Streaker Carnage Causes Nose Break 11

Night at the Museum: Hoedown After Dark 12

CULTURE

Campus Blind Items 17

Legitness Jean Fitness 18

TV Guide: Developmetal Years Edition 22

FEATURES

Critic Scandals: An Inexhaustive (Updated) Account 26

Madam President: Can She Read? 32

COLUMNS

ODT Watch 13 Takeaways 36

Local Produce 39

Debatable 41

Mi Goreng Graduate 42

Booze Reviews 43

Exec Column 44

Horoscopes 45

Snap of the Week 46

LETTERS

LETTER OF THE WEEK

Kia Ora Critic,

(Referencing the bullshit roundup page in issue 12)...

If I have interpreted their intentions correctly, it leaves me just a tad confused as to why the Otago Students for Justice in Palestine are "holding the University accountable in the face of ongoing genocide". I don't believe learning institutions should take a public stance in these matters. As an all-inclusive University, we have students from all over the world and from many different backgrounds. By "choosing a side" and supporting one group over the other essentially chooses one type of person over the other or those with one opinion over the other. A place of learning should remain impartial when it comes to these matters and that is where my qualm with the argument put up comes into play. Don't get me wrong I am in full support of righting the horrible wrongs that are taking place overseas however I don't believe the university should make a stance on the matter (or be condemned if they don't). Is this as much of a hot take as I think it is?

yours... very sincerely...

Opinionated Pro-Pal gal

Editor’s response: I suppose it depends on what we mean by “choosing a side”. I agree that pushing for the university to take a stance on political matters can be a slippery slope, and that the university should be an expert on academia and platform the opinions of academics within their fields of research. However, the consensus globally is that what’s happening is a genocide. The university has a part to play in using its position to pressure the government into action. It’s gone beyond politics at this point. It’s a matter of common humanity.

Hi Critic,

letters

Send letters to the editor to critic@critic.co.nz to be in to win a $25 UBS voucher.

Just wanted to let you know that you fucked up this week. Taylor's album is called 'The Tortured Poets Department' (25A) not 'The Tortured Poets Society'. Do better...

From a devoted Swiftie

Editor’s response: As a fellow swiftie, I am aghast. Please consider this a formal apology.

Kia ora,

We've been bombarded with letters and comments from people criticising people who talk in the library and I felt compelled to write something. If you want to be in a quiet space, go to the law library. Don't go to central! If I want to have a yap-sesh with my mates for 30 minutes to an hour in the middle of central - I don't care. Central is not a place of study, it's a place of

yapping. Stop whining and move on with your life.

Cheers,

Defender of the yap

Dearest Critic

Can I give a shout out to the angel who sent the snap of duck loo cleaner hoping to cure SADs – thank you. Very relatable content that nearly resulted in a bulk delivery of duck to the clocktower toilets.

Thanks to you also for your excellent, consistently good snap selection skills. Actually, just thanks for being you.

Forever yours

Big fan? Or highly emotional SAD sufferer who may or may not work in the clocktower

This is Critic’s last issue of the semester. Good luck for exams y’all, see you next sem

Everyone wish OUSA a happy birthday for last week, celebrating their 134th year!

Word on the street is Cumby has their cooked breakfasts back! Congrats

The Dunedin Midwinter Carnival is set for June 21-22nd at First Church, including giant lanterns, live music, stilt walkers, food trucks and more. There’ll be lantern workshops held at Meridian Mall in the four weekends before the event –get amongst

The government is poised to scrap the first home grant scheme in the upcoming budget. Nail in the coffin for our chances to ever buy a house ig

Thousands have signed a petition to make stalking illegal in NZ, with victims currently having limited legal pathways or support

OUSA receptionist Esther’s morning reports are a great way to start the day, especially the daily memes. Here’s Critic's most recent top pick:

Critic staff have started a band called the HypoCriticals. Dear lord

It’s tertiary open day this Monday! To the high school students reading this: welcome. You should come to Otago, we have the best student magazine ;)

A flat of girls collabed with OUSA Clubs and Socs last week to organise a pink ribbon breakfast, raising money for breast cancer survivors. As of print, they’ve raised $4331 of their $5000 goal!

New World Gardens were selling 18 eggs for $8 dollars exclusively on the Monday of O-Week. The remnants can be found on the footpath outside the Ori venue.

Otago Uni has appointed Professor Jessica Palmer as the next Deputy Vice Chancellor for External Engagement, who’s currently the Pro Vice Chancellor for Humanities. She’s set to start August 1

$24 million is set to go towards Mike King’s I am Hope charity to deliver free counselling for young people aged five to 25

Massey University has refused to take a stance on the war on Palestine, Massive reports

spo rts

There’s one week left of Unipol’s May group fitness challenge, with prizes up for grabs for participation

Ireland, Spain and Norway will formally recognise Palestine as a state on May 28th in a move to support a twostate solution

Otago Joins Nationwide Tertiary Palestine Protest

“Free Gaza!”

Muslim Student Associations across Aotearoa New Zealand banded together last Thursday, May 23rd, to rally for Palestine. The rally is the brain-child of a meeting that took place in Wellington on May 12th, in which the presidents of Muslim Student Associations collectively decided on a national strategy concerning the ongoing conflict in the Gaza Strip.

The rally took place across all New Zealand tertiary education institutions and aimed to stand against genocide and in solidarity with Palestine. Critic Te Ārohi sat down with the University of Otago Muslim Students’ Association’s (MUSA) President Ferris prior to the rally.

Ferris told Critic Te Ārohi that their demands were that “we want the University to divest from and disclose any transactions or investments with the state of Israel. We want the University to declare Palestine as an independent state, and call for the decolonisation of Palestine due to Israeli occupation.”

While the rally focused on the ongoing conflict in the Gaza Strip, Ferris said that it also speaks toward a broader sentiment to “denounce Islamophobia, anti-semitism, and any sort of racism within New Zealand.”

Asked what he was excited about regarding the rally, Ferris said that “this was an opportunity for Muslim students [across Aotearoa New Zealand] to come together and call on our universities to speak out against injustice. It’s encouraging students to use their voice.”

By Hanna Varrs Contributor // news@critic.co.nz

He did admit, however, to being nervous about potential opposition on the day: “We do have to be ready for any sort of push-backs on the day – any haters.” Despite this, he revealed that the Dunedin campus had a largely positive response to the pro-Palestine movement. This differed from locations such as Wellington, which have struggled with anti-Palestine protestors in past rallies. Critic Te Ārohi can confirm that there was no antiPalestine presence at the rally on the day.

There were safety measures in place to ensure that the rally went as smoothly and peacefully as possible. Ferris said that the ViceChancellor endorsed the protest, and that both Campus Watch and the Proctor agreed to be present in case of any disruption – anti-Palestine protestors or otherwise. The collective Muslim Students’ Associations also organised a national spokesperson to speak on behalf of the associations in case of any questions regarding the rallies.

Speaking to Critic after the rally, which saw students chanting and marching from the Union Lawn to the Clocktower, Ferris said that he felt that “turn-out was great” and that he hopes students can take “something positive” from the experience. He also hopes that the University issues a formal response to the demands of students to divest from, disclose, and denounce the actions of the state of Israel.

Pending: Closed Captioned Lecture Recordings Policy

Academic rep fights for academic weapons’ accessibility

Academic Rep Stella Lynch is rolling up her sleeves to advocate for a University of Otago policy that would make recordings with closed captions mandatory for all lectures, with exceptions in cases of privacy concerns. Her plan includes an impending consultation process for staff and students, and is calling on students to engage with an issue which, she anticipates, staff will have a strong opposition to.

Though the University has a lecture recording policy, Stella told Critic that “it’s old and it needs replacing.” Deputy Vice Chancellor Academic Professor Stuart Brock told Critic, “The University does have a lecture recordings policy, however, it was last formally reviewed in 2016. There have been many changes in our context and subsequent teaching and recording practices at the University since this time. As a result, the University is in the early stages of reviewing the policy and has invited OUSA to partner with the Academic Division in the process.”

The current policy details how everything is supposed to run should a lecturer choose to record lectures, however the policy only applies in situations where lecturers choose to have lecture recordings. Alternatively, Stella’s proposed policy advocates for universal access to closed captioned lecture recordings across all subjects.

Stella says that the policy is crucial for accessibility of learning to all students, especially disabled tauira who “even with disability support can still struggle to get access to lecture recordings.” She said that the list of students who’d benefit from the policy extended from neurodivergent students to international students.

“We’ve got students who English isn’t their first language, and so trying to translate in your head or with software in a lecture theatre [...] isn’t viable, so you’ve got to watch it at home. I think anyone else with a job, with childcare, and commitments that can’t make it to uni that day. Everybody has a use for them, and there’s no literature out there that’s saying it’s going to tank our marks. It either doesn’t affect our marks or it brings [students in the middle] up.”

Lecture recordings are often a “hot topic” among uni staff, according to Stella. “One of the big concerns is attendance. And I hate that because attendance and engagement with content are two completely different things. You can’t combine them into one and say, ‘Oh, well students aren’t gonna attend so they’re gonna fail. It’s not how it works. If you did that then I'd be on track to fail, whereas I engage with my content […] half the time I just can’t attend class.”

By Nina Brown Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

The other point of concern that’s been raised to Stella by staff are concerns over privacy. These concerns are raised particularly within courses such as Med and Law where patient and client confidentiality become key issues. And these are the real ones, in case studies, not your mate who you’ve roped into acting for a mock appointment or court trial. “Where there is a concern that we can’t mitigate through other parts of the policy, we will write exemptions into the policy. So if there is patient confidentiality, that can’t be recorded [...] we don’t wanna put that in the public domain.”

Last year, Victoria University adopted a policy making it compulsory for staff to record lectures in rooms “with the equipment to do so or provide other appropriate materials to student[s]” as RNZ reported, following a push from the Uni’s student association. Stella said that while the policy she is proposing will be similar in essence, it’ll have “different provisions in place for our staff and students […] especially because we’ve got a health science department and they don’t [...] And so ours will be similar in principle but hopefully better.”

In terms of a timeline for implementing the policy, Stella has a fair bit to go. Last Thursday, she and the DVC Academic presented the current policy to the Committee for the Advancement of Learning and Teaching, asking for their endorsement of their consultation process which will include extensive surveys of both staff and students. Professor Brock said, “I am excited to be working closely with OUSA on this review, ensuring we have a strong student voice throughout the process.”

Stella intends on going ham during Re-O Week to seek student feedback, aiming for 6000 students: “So that’s 30% of the student population which would be massive because [...] staff are gonna be so passionate about it and they’re gonna be really loud about it and we need heaps of students to be equally as loud back –hopefully supporting it, but whatever you wanna say, I want to hear about it.” They’ll be promoting feedback through class reps, hall drop-in sessions, and at Re-Ori events as well.

All things going well for Stella, the policy would be implemented at the beginning of 2026. To students wondering why they should engage with a policy that wouldn’t be put in place until perhaps after they’d graduated, Stella said: “I’m gonna be gone by then, but my little sister’s starting next year, and for her, that’ll be massive [...] It’s so important for everyone whether you’re gonna be here or not.”

Gone ROGUE! Host Flat of Ball Wrecked

This ain’t a Bridgerton ball

In the wake of their annual ball, a renowned Castle Street flat (let's call them 'The Elephant*) were in shock after finding 14 smashed windows, pieces of their walls, heaters, and their fire alarm ripped out.

The annual ball, that has reportedly been running since 2015, was originally just for friends and neighbours. Since then, it’s come to be a greatly anticipated event. One flatmate Grace* told Critic Te Ārohi after the carnage of this year’s ball, “Campus Watch said it was the worst damage they’ve seen to a house on the street.”

After waking to find the flat an absolute tip, the girls received a call from their landlord at 8am to inform them that a Powerade probably wasn’t going to fix the hangover. The incident occurred in spite of a substantial security presence, leaving room for considerable speculation as to how the damages may have happened.

The beginning of the night was apparently filled with bad omens after security showed up to the flat an hour late. Amending their mistake, the security company they had hired sent five extra security guards because they “felt bad”, according to one of the flatmates.

The girls said they had put their lives on hold for a week and a half in preparation for the event. “We had organised everything. We boarded up the windows with plywood, and we wrapped the carpet [...] we boarded up the stairs, obviously we didn’t want anyone going up there, we cleared out all our bedrooms,” said Grace.

The flat had charged $33 for a ticket which went towards Gravity Events, who they hired to set up and bring in the other necessary equipment. One flatmate, Bella* reported that they had saved some money for damages: “But not enough, oh my god.”

Rumours are now spiralling that students had heard about the amount the flat had left over for damages, and inflicted the carnage “to get their money's worth.” Poppy*, a third flatmate, said, "People paid $33 for a ticket, calculated how many people

By Harriette Boucher News Reporter // news@critic.co.nz

were coming, timesed it by that and then thought that total amount was everything we had for damages, which it just so wasn't.”

On top of the severe damage done to the house, one guest added fuel to the fire (almost literally), after setting off fireworks inside. It’s unknown whether this was before or after the fire alarm was ripped out. Flatmate Stella* said that people were coming up to them and saying, “I didn’t know you got smoke machines!”

Stella told Critic that she had an especially rude awakening the next day: “I woke up to some boy throwing a bottle at the window and I woke up covered in glass.” According to the flatties, the fire brigade showed up on the night to remove the fireworks, with Campus Watch and Police arriving the next day.

“A lot of people thought that we had like nine grand for damages, so you could do whatever,” said another girl. It’s not the first time something like this has happened at the North D ball. Students have often viewed their ticket price as an invitation to fuck up the flat. In 2022, similar attitudes led to 11 broken windows, and an entire toilet being ripped out of the floor and thrown out the window at the same flat.

A few boys had been identified on security cameras as culprits and are shouldering some of the cost, but for the most part, the girls will have to fork out the money themselves. They surprisingly remained upbeat about it all and had embraced the DIY spirit.

Stella said she was “sitting with the builder on Sunday night, and he’s just teaching me how to plaster.”

Asked if they would go back in time and do it again, Critic Te Ārohi got a “no”, a “hell no”, and a “yup”. A singular optimist in the midst! Only two days after the ball, the girls’ landlord for their flat next year asked their current landlord for a reference. Despite the 8am call they received from her after she caught wind of the event, they still wrangled a good reference.

*Names changed.

Eggspiracy Afoot!

Farmer Brown launches new ad campaign representing everything wrong with the world

Students suspect an eggspiracy is afoot after Farmer Brown launched a campaign selling eight packs of eggs (27A) in LEGO block shaped cartons. Concerns have also been raised about the environmental impact of the cartons, with student murmurs protesting the lack of environmental impetus the egg company appears to have. What's more, the packaging contains three additional empty cartons, leaving pundits to ask: “Why would I need these if I was buying eggs in the first place?”

Student concerns have been momentarily dispelled after it was reported to Critic Te Ārohi that the price of these egg cartons during a Pak’n’Save special was $2.59. Speaking to the issue, Lou, a second-year economics student who has made it to a total of three BSNS113 lectures this semester (go Lou!) acutely pointed out that “low prices equal high demand.”

Frequent egg-purchaser and second-year neuroscience major Eva said that the campaign allowed for “a really good source of protein, but a waste of space in our kitchen." This campaign follows recent reports from Consumer NZ stating that the price of eggs “almost doubled” between May 2022 and July 2023. Second year BCom management major Rose said, “I think that it allows for the organization to gain a lot of money, money, money […] and I do love money."

Yet despite their popularity, students have lamented Farmer Brown’s eggcess, with second-year Environmental Management

By Jonathan McCabe Contributor // critc@critic.co.nz

major Millie stating that “these eggs represent everything wrong with the world [...] though they are recyclable, manufacturing and recycling processes still produce emissions. So, why don’t they just not produce the eggcess in the first place?" She stole our joke.

In a comment to Critic Te Ārohi, ZeaGold/Farmer Brown stated: “Farmer Brown egg block cartons are 100% recyclable, therefore are able to be continuously reused and recycled, hence contributing to a sustainable life cycle of packaging materials. For eggxample, the carton can be reused to plant seedlings, store Christmas decorations and provide kindergartens and preschools with free materials for arts and craft activities which assist with cognitive development in young children. The cartons are also 100% biodegradable which provides benefits that contribute to reduced waste accumulation.”

ZeaGold argued that the cheap price of the product came as a response to “eggs drop[ping] off Kiwi’s weekly meal repertoire due to the egg supply shortage.” Continuing, the company stated that they sought to “inspire and remind Kiwi’s about the easy, affordable any-time meal solution that eggs provide and stimulate consumption.”

The question that is stumping Critic Te Ārohi is: why not just include one egg carton?

EXCLUSIVE! Salacious OUSA Exec Quotes

She said what???

Many have speculated about what lies behind the big green door of our OUSA overlords (exec). Love? Gossip? Rivalry? Sex? Murder? Armed with a pen, a notepad, and explicit orders from the editor to source a tabloid-worthy insider scoop, Critic Te Ārohi’s News Editor went to find out at one of the exec’s weekly meetings.

Unfortunately, the only time anything interesting happened was in committee (when they say confidential shit we’re not allowed to report on). Critic was forced to resort to jotting down out-ofcontext quotes about the exec’s personal lives.

Emily Williams, Administrative VP: To Keegan, “OMG, you were in my dreams last night.”

It doesn’t take Sherlock to realise that Emily’s innocent comment yearns for reciprocation. Keegan is unbothered, hopelessly and horribly ignorant of Emily’s deep-seeded affection - oh the tragedy!

Keegan Wells, President: “Heck yeah the youth!”

This comment was made after it was announced that it was youth week, which makes sense. But also, Keegan’s a sixth-year so she’s basically a grandma saying goofy things like this to seem young and hip.

Liam White, Political Rep (23A): “Just as Chris Bishop doesn’t need democracy, neither do we!”

Sometimes you just get too deep and this is one of those cases. Liam, having sent enough unanswered letters to politicians to light a fire with, now thinks politics is a futile waste of time. For Liam, there is only power, and those bold enough to claim it!

Stella Lynch, Academic Rep: “Fill in your surveys in Q.U.A.C.K so I don’t cry.”

Q.U.A.C.K is thought to be an acronym for ‘Quietly Undermining A Corrupt Keegan’ by inside sources (Critic). Because being the

By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Academic Rep is so joyous, Stella’s emotions are wildly volatile. Is she laughing? Is she crying? Who’s to say.

Emma Jackson, Clubs and Socs Rep: “There’s a meeting at 6 in the Clubs n Socs [something] room.”

Critic Te Ārohi left the OUSA exec meeting confident in the knowledge that something was going to be happening in the something room – we’re just not sure who, where, why, or what it's all about. Emma has spent so much time in OUSA Clubs and Socs, the place is now all the same to her, as she strolls its empty halls day and night, lusting after new clubs to entice and consistently attending free breakfast.

Tara Shepherd, Welfare and Equity Rep: “I love Kanye more than equity.”

This banger was used during a debate arguing for the creation of a Kanye Representative on the exec. Tara agreed to accommodate the new role into her busy schedule. Tara welcomes all students to contact her with all Kanye-related inquiries (welfare@ousa.org.nz).

Abby Clayton, Finance and Strategy Officer: “We had a big shopping trip…”

You know what that means: Abby is spending OUSA money in style, sifting around town, trying on sick costumes from Look Sharp, and shelling out on a lifetime supply of peanut butter. It’s a really hard time for Abby right now, she needs this, even if it means we have to stop free breakfast for a while following her next shopping spree!

Other golden out of context quotes:

Keegan: “I’m not telling. You’d love to know wouldn’t you?”

Liam: “My dad told me I have a face for radio" (17A).

Keegan: “I think everyone should be allowed to drink drive once a year on their birthday”

Junior Doc Strikes Have Med Students “Concerned”

BA students not so much

Junior doctors across the country have been protesting harsh working conditions and pay cuts, much to the concern of med students about to enter the workforce. Lamenting government changes and the already brutally challenging circumstances, one student Emily* said she was “not sure how long they’re expecting the goodwill of burnt out, overworked and underpaid staff to last.”

Following accusations of a ‘hiring freeze’ and the announcement of a 12% pay decrease to specialty services, the New Zealand Resident Doctors Association (NZDRA) hosted a nationwide 25 hour strike on May 7th calling for change. Doctors have continued to strike in many regions following this event, after an average 18% pay increase from HNZ was reportedly not enough to justify abhorrent working conditions.

As the protests continue, med students watch on in agony either from the relative comfort of their studies or, in many circumstances, from their clinical placements. With protests and changes in working conditions showing no sign of ceasing, Critic Te Ārohi spoke with several medical students in their final year to gauge their concerns.

Speaking to the events, Emily* stated, “The strike is an absolute last resort in response to the poor working conditions and pay cuts for critical specialties. If we continue as is, patients will be at risk.” Lina* argues that the pay cuts to general practice, pathology, radiation oncology, psychiatry and public health “implies that some medical specialties are more important than others.”

Streaker Carnage Causes Nose Break

Silent or silenced?

Sources are keeping quiet in the wake of an ongoing legal proceeding involving an alleged broken nose (33D) at the hands of a streaker during the Highlanders vs Crusaders game on May 11th. Cracker of a Zoo turn-out, by the way.

At the game in question, 11 streakers took to the field, two of whom did a nude run. The swarm of streakers meant a period of lengthened stoppage while security attempted to escort off (and clothe) the pitch invaders.

Lisa, a Zoo-attendee who witnessed the event, told Critic, “So I look up, I’m sitting on the stands out at the front [of the Zoo], I see this man with no clothes on, running across the field. Then the guy gets tackled, and then suddenly another one’s going, then suddenly six people are running across the field.”

One of the streakers had been sitting in front of her dressed in a Fireball costume, “And we were just chatting away with him, we then turn around and the guy in front of us is gone, we look out and he is running, and when we’re leaving the cops were talking to him.”

Following the game, it was alleged to Critic Te Ārohi that one streaker broke the nose of a security guard, who threatened to sue the offender. Critic struggled to substantiate these claims. The Highlanders, who were the chief party involved with the incident, refused to comment on the incident. Platform 4 Group, the contracted security for the event, did not respond to our inquiries in time for print.

By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Talking of their own concerns entering the career, Emily said, “Facing being overworked and burnt out within a couple years of starting the job is very daunting.” For both Emily and Lina, it was the hours of work which haunted them. “At the end of the day we know we will be working long hours […] Do you really want someone that's worked ten days in a row, working their second 15 hour shift looking after your nana?” said Lina.

Both cited their concerns in this environment, with Emily already stating that she was “thinking about at what stage will be best for me to move to Australia.” Lina’s desires were merely for “a semblance of work life balance, or at least recognition of the work.”

Lina and Emily both argued that this would have a flow-on effect to those thinking about entering the profession. “Not sure it is worth getting into tens of thousands of debt for a job that will burn you out in less time than it takes to train in it. Hardly surprising people are moving overseas for better pay/conditions,” said Emily.

“There is already a labour shortage for the areas that are having pay deductions,” said Emily. With labour shortages continuing as pay parity decreases, med students are fretful that the issues junior doctors currently face may be replicated for some time to come.

*Names changed.

By Gryffin Powell Staff Writer // news@critic.co.nz

Responding to questions of the incident, Forsyth Barr Stadium told Critic Te Ārohi, “Any pitch invaders apprehended were issued with a trespass notice and any matters associated with the invasion, such as indecent exposure or injury, were dealt with by police.”

Speaking only to the details of the arrests made, a police spokesperson told Critic Te Ārohi, “Police were asked to assist security following incidents of streaking at the game on 11 May. Two 20-year-old men were trespassed from the stadium and have subsequently been issued formal warnings. Two other men – a 19-year-old and a 28-year-old were arrested and charged with invading the pitch. They have subsequently been issued written warnings.”

One of the streakers known to Critic said, “Some fella offered me a grand for it, but since I didn’t make it on I copped a trespass with no money.” He added that he knew the streaker who allegedly broke the security guard’s nose, saying “he knows them that ran on, but he got to the try line and didn’t quite make it aha.” Rough.

Regarding the nose-breaking, an ex-P4G security guard and student commented to Critic, “Oh wow that is very interesting. I mean I feel like there’s an aspect of being in the job you’ve got to expect some sort of damage. Also I think the company they work for should take charge and take care of their workers.”

Police told Critic of the matter: “Police were also advised by security of a possible assault on a security guard as three men were being evicted. Police were subsequently advised by security that they didn’t wish to proceed with a formal complaint of assault. The matter has therefore been filed.”

Night at the Museum: Hoedown After Dark

The statues didn’t come alive, but the pig sure did

On a cold, breezy night, Critic Te Ārohi strapped on RM Williams boots and Harry Styles-esque cowgirl hats and wandered on over to the biggest event the country folk of Dunedin have ever seen: the Hoedown After Dark, held by the Tūhura Otago Museum and OUSA.

Hosted from 7-10pm on Friday, May 17th, the event promised (and delivered) line dancing, cocktails, bracelet-making, karaoke, and the illustrious mechanical bull – or pig, as we disappointingly found out. With the Billy Ray Cyrus pumping and the lights lighting, the multi-story museum became home to an eclectic mix of wild students and wine mums united by country music. We love intersectionality!

The night started off fairly tame with some line dancing. Editor Nina Brown tore up the dance floor alongside Clubs and Socs Rep Emma Jackson, getting that heel-toe action on lock. For others, it wasn’t so easy. “It’s not very drunk person friendly,” a nearby wanna-be dancer complained. “It feels incredibly inappropriate being this fucked up at the museum.” Critic Te Ārohi concurs.

The interactive parts of the museum remained open throughout the event, allowing guests to, well, interact with science. There was a bike-riding skeleton, lots of dead insects, and an indoor slide that few wanted to risk riding down out of fear of upsetting their stomachs, to put it lightly. In a GOATed move, karaoke was in the planetarium, making it feel as if the entire solar system had been replaced with the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’. Critic Te Ārohi can almost guarantee the English language hasn’t been used to construct a sentence like that before!

By Hanna Varrs & Molly Smith-Soppet Contributors // news@critic.co.nz

The most anticipated feature of this honky-tonk was the slippery pig, where guests were blessed with the sight of many of a horde of OUSA exec clutching onto the greasy pink mammal. Prez Keegan, Admin VP Emily, Academic Rep Stella, and International Rep Ibuki all managed to stay on for an impressive few seconds each. Stella credited her success to “many years of riding real horses,” arguing she “can take on a plastic pig.”

Ex-Polytech student Kate and Oliver, who travelled all the way from Palmerston to get a leg over the pig, commented, “This night is fuckin’ awesome. I’m sorry for swearing so much, but fuck yeah.” Kate lasted 18 whole seconds on the untamable beast, winning a voucher to Xyzzy in the process. As a freshly minted 18-year-old, Oliver found that the Hoedown was “a less scary alternative to town” suggesting that the event allowed him to socialise with his friends and other uni-age people – even if he did spend most of his time outside having a vape.

With the added thrill of being able to go visit the exotic butterflies while buzzing on 1.25L of jungle juice, the night was, as many Critic staff put it: “Just the rooting tootingest best time I’ve ever had in a museum. Yeehaw!” Verbatim.

The moral of the story: if you only went for country music, it was a blast. But even if you were dragged along, there were many opportunities to save a horse and ride a slippery pig.

PUZZLES PUZZLES

2 Answer to the second blind item

3 ___ -drink

4 A joke that ruined one couple's 2023 Capping Show date night (issue 11)

5 Editorial clue

6 Keegan was spotted "reading" here (first half of name)

7 Seductive cat found in OUSA main reception (issue 12)

8 A "massive fucking racist"

15 How Boba Ket starts his day (issue 7)

16 Great exam

Early _____ 19 Our horoscope writer reads your astrology and your ____

20 Evil storm bird 22 Russian dictator 24 Professional version of a Unipol fitness leader

26 My favourite kind of chart

28 "_____ Scott!"

29 What the 2005 Editor claims the banned date rape article was

31 Beat

33 Allegedly broken at the recent Landers game 34 A long time

36 What Critic does to details we think are dodge

37 Not an ostrich

Editors Note: The bolded clues are hidden within the magazine. Good luck!

PUZZLES PUZZLES

WORDFIND

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

There are 10 differences between the two images

HALLWAYS

FAIRMAID

PALESTINE

BOYCOTT

AWFUL

HUMANITIES

JEANIUS

BIRTHDAY LEGITNESS

CLOSED CAPTIONS

STREAKER

BISCUIT

MISSISSIPPI

MAKEOVER

ELEPHANT

CHUNNY

BEIGE

ENERGY VAMPIRE

OFFENSIVE

DAIRY FARM

ANONYMOUS

SCANDAL

OBJECTIONABLE

ILLITERATE

PAPARAZZI

Illustrated by Ryan Dombroski

ARE YOU A PHOTOGRAPHER? WANNA WORK FOR

We are advertising for a Photographer to join us for semester 2!

This is a fixed-term position for 4 hours per week, 13 weeks in total, from the 8th of July to the 11th of October 2024. You need to be a tertiary student based in Dunedin.

The photographer will be responsible for creating and editing photography to a publishable standard to accompany Critic Te Ārohi content. Competency in Adobe Lightroom and Photoshop is preferred.

Please send your CV, cover letter, OUSA application form and three examples of your work to jobs@ousa.org.nz by the 31st of May 2024. If you do not have a portfolio of work, we recommend you check out previous issues of Critic and create some content based on what you see in order to make it through to the next round.

CAMPUS

#1

#3

#6

Blind Items

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, this flighty professor decided he wasn’t so keen on shacking up with his younger postgraduate girlfriend. With only hours before the lockdown rules were enforced, he decided to place all her belongings on the front lawn and changed the locks to his house. In a thespian act of revenge, his ex-girlfriend wrote and performed a play about the breakdown of their relationship – with him in the audience, no less.

#2 Knox and St Margs might have a reputation of being culty, but this unsuspecting children-oriented University department might just take the crown. Why? Some of its students are actual members of an infamous West Coast religious community (2D).

#7

Hitting the bong is a lot harder when you don’t have a flat of your own away from the watchful eyes of RAs. But for freshers in this towering hall, acquiring hash is as easy as slipping a fifty to the lunch lady in exchange for a helping of bolognese with a side of bud.

Otago’s brand may no longer be “Oxford of the South,” but that doesn’t mean we’ve done away with the elite university tradition of secret societies. This carismático law professor runs a secret society wherein only top honours students and mooting victors are invited in.

#4

One look at this long-running student magazine’s Wikipedia page reveals only glowing accounts of news breaking stories and national awards. This is all thanks to the editing of one overzealous staff member, who in addition to sprucing up the publication’s greatest moments, attempted to bury their scandals by hiding the ‘Controversies’ section at the bottom.

One nationally famous athlete who travelled down to Dunners to represent his provincial team hit the Octagon after his team’s big win, and ended up hooking up with a fresher. While the much older-athlete bragged about his various sporting achievements and overseas travels, he failed to disclose the incurable STI he passed onto her, and could face legal action.

Everyone knows a certain Uni's budget is fucked and students love road cones. Put two and two together, and what do you get? A road cone on top of the Geology building roof, and said Uni spending $10,000 in crane hire fees in order to get it down.

A beloved Campus safety team is Watching more than students think. A storage room is purportedly home to walls of pinned photos, notes, and security stills of students to spy on. Certain flats had better watch their backs; the Uni Stormtroopers never lose sight of their Galactic Empire.

Once a year, students accepted into this competitive degree are sworn to secrecy before embarking on a weekend of debauchery in the wilderness. The “leaders'' care for the younger students whilst they undertake a three-night initiation involving copious amounts of alcohol. This year, numerous students got sent home early after getting too fucked. This wouldn’t be scandalous – except for the fact it was the leaders who got sent home, not the students.

#8

#9

It seems like everything these days causes cancer. The bacon in your BLT, the ozone-less New Zealand sun, and the tobacco in the cigarettes you only smoke on special occasions. Now, the cancer of buildings is afflicting a local bar whose cult- following is renowned for their loyalty. Look out frothers: instead of tearing up the dance floor, they’re tearing out the walls.

#10

JEAN-IUS!

Legitness

Fitness JEAN Ranking UniPol

It’s academic weapon season, a time of the year when productivity is key. Everyone’s life is scheduled to the minute in a meticulously planned spreadsheet to the point where a slight deviation is mania-inducing. Like a Te Araroa walker drilling holes in their toothbrush to lighten the load or a swimmer shaving their legs for aerodynamics, students need to maximise their efficiency. Bear with us, here.

Exercise is a proven way to elevate your performance (not just in the classroom *wink*), but in the rush between lectures, library study, and Unipol classes, who has the time to pack extra bags for gym gear or rush home to change in between? That’s basically emotional labour, and you’re so above that. Luckily for you, Critic Te Ārohi has the answer: doing that gym class in what you’re already wearing – jeans, probably. Like how one can transform an outfit from day to night with lipstick and a cute jacket, transform your daytime jeans to a workout fit with this one simple trick: doing fucking nothing!

Critic Te Ārohi would never issue advice we wouldn’t take ourselves, so two reporters juited up for (almost) every Unipol group fitness class in jeans. Jitness is love, jitness is life, jitness is a yeast infection waiting to happen.

classes on how easy they are to do in jeans

Jin (Tuesday 5:30pm) (not to be confused with gin)

Contrary to seemingly popular belief (and to our great disappointment) Spin does not involve spinning. However, the Jin combination of cardio and the unforgiving denim cutting into our sternums resulted in just as much dizzying nausea as a class of spinning in circles would.

Spin is an indoor cycling class, broken up into tracks of different terrains (some you imagine puffing up Signal Hill, others cycling along the harbour).

It was a bold decision to begin our jitness journey with Spin. The denim was taut. The seams were… there. The rejection therapy was rife, as the class is in the middle of probably the busiest part of the gym: the downstairs cardio room. Cardio was fucking right. The jeans pinched as we gingerly adjusted ourselves on seats that we became increasingly aware of. Soon enough, this was the least of our worries. The jeans

weren’t so much the issue as our general lack of fitness. The class was encouraged to begin each track with: “Shoulders back! Cores locked! Hinge at the hips!” Nina alternated between worrying about her crack being exposed in mid-rises (great to show off that y2k tramp stamp), trying to force her denim-clad legs to spin faster than 100RPM (the material literally wouldn’t let me), and getting distracted ogling the impressive workouts of those around us. “He’s really doing the escape the killer workout, fucking hell,” Jodie said to Nina at one point, pointing out a sprinter on the treadmill – you know, from our jinning spot.

The online description of Spin promises it’ll lift your spirits, clear your mind and leave you drenched in sweat. Well, our sneans (32A) fits (we both wore sneakers) had us looking like members of the first year engineering cohort of UC, and sure enough, we left the class smelling like them too.

Unipol staff reaction: Grimaces

Gym track: ‘Spinning Around’ by Kyle Minogue

Difficulty: 8/10

Jodie maintains it may have been the most embarrassing moment of her life thus far. Those of you who read her confessional about fancying Spirit the animated horse a few issues back may disagree. But for those of you who, like Nina, have a background in childhood dance recitals and beeline for the line dancing at a hoedown, this is the class for you.

Unipol staff reaction: Extreme pity

Gym track: The coconut song from Jump Jam for real nostalgia. Or for PTSD, whatever fits the mood.

Difficulty: 9/10 or 4/10, depending on who you ask

Denim damnation level: If Channing Tatum did Magic Mike in janties

#JITNESSISLIFE

Denim damnation level: Purchase canesten cream in advance x

Jep Jit (Sunday 3:30pm)

Step Fit had us divided on Unipol’s promise of it being a class to “gain confidence on the step while having fun and getting a great workout.” While Nina (a regular stepper) chasse’d and pony cha cha’d to her heart’s content with the spirit of a former Jump Jam leader, Jodie spent much of the class going the opposite direction to everyone else. Rest assured, this appeared to be nothing to do with our denim digs, but rather an issue of personal ability. Side note: do they sell jeans with two left legs?

That being said, the jeans proved a little restrictive during some of the choreography. While jumping into a sumo squat, Nina let out an audible “eughhhh” (it resembled a moose’s mating call) which echoed denim-clad pain throughout the entire gym. Luckily, no jeans were ripped in the process – but it felt like a close one. You may also be mildly concerned to know that esteemed, unproblematic Critic Editor Nina’s favourite step move is the ‘stomp, kick the dog!’ (“What? It’s fun”). We’ll leave what this move looks like up to your imaginations. Critic Te Ārohi would like to make clear, however, that we do not condone animal cruelty, only animalistic dedication to student journalism.

As a first-time stepper (“only time stepper”) Jodie was disappointed that the class did not, in fact, live up to her 2000s dance franchise Step Up fantasy. It was decidedly unsexy, and there was no Channing Tatum in sight. There were no opportunities to stomp and grind on each other in rain puddles, either. The lovely instructor however came over and reassured Jodie that it would take a few classes to pick up the routine (Nina concurs).

Jogalates (Sunday 4:30pm)

Ever bought a pair of jeans a bit too snug? Depop order gone wrong? Forget wearing your jeans in the shower – wear them to Yogalates and stretch your jeans AND your muscles! Yogalates is exactly what you’d imagine: a combination of yoga and pilates. We went immediately after Step Fit, and it was the perfect mix of deep stretches and mindfulness to prevent Jodie from immediately boarding a plane to South America in humiliation.

The looks our attire had attracted in other classes were magnified in Yogalates. Since the “standing strength” portion of the class consists of a series of holding poses, it allowed plenty of time for others to ponder our fashion choice as they warrior posed or stared at our denim-clad behinds on all fours. This is opposed to cardio-based classes where everyone is so locked into survival mode that someone wearing jeans is only given a fleeting thought. Jodie did Nina dirty in this case by wearing stretchy black jeans that could have passed for leggings from a distance.

It goes without saying that this class involved a significant amount of adjusting. Nina reckoned the class included more lunges than usual, speculating that the instructor Tash (her flatmate) included them just for Critic’s benefit. The three-legged dog (downward dog with a leg in the air) especially was a personal attack. All the while, the Step Fit sweat marinated against our skin. Yummy.

Unipol staff reaction: Amused side glances from the stage

Gym track: ‘Genie in a Bottle’ by Christina Aguilera.

Difficulty: 6/10.

Denim damnation level: If the jeans weren’t already stretched, they sure as fuck were after this.

Jore(Monday4:30pm)

Besides the warm-up move of high knees (more like mid-rise knees) and butt-flicks, Core wasn’t too much of a jore. Thanks to a combination of the nature of the class and the pre-stretched jeans from Yogalates, this one was fairly tame in the jeans department. Not too much bending was involved, which by this point we’d identified as one of the key jindrances. For those unfamiliar with Core, it could perhaps be called Pump Lite, or dynamic pump, involving a series of exercises taken at your own pace involving light dumbbells, body weight exercises, and (shocker) lots of ab-targeted moves.

Admittedly, the bicycle crunches had us battling a bit. We swore that riding an actual bike is nowhere near that difficult (if you completely forget the existence of Spin). Nina made a comment mid-way through what we’re pretty sure was called the ab smasher (or whatever the fuck) that it would hurt to laugh the next day – not ideal considering the centrefold shoot we had lined up. But the best thing about exercises where you are lying down (not in that way, get your mind out of the jutter), is that when you run out of puff, you can just lay there for a hot minute to recover – and to discreetly remove your denim wedgie. Overall, Core was relatively pleasant. Or maybe by this point we were starting to acclimatise to the jitness life… like real hard-jore jathletes.

Unipol staff reaction: Meh

Gym track: ‘Tight Pants/Body Rolls’ for an early Youtube throwback.

Difficulty: 4/10

Denim damnation level: Minimal, but high-waisted jeans would be a different story.

GOWELL, JOLDIER!

JU50 (Tuesday 5:30pm)

Jitness is hate, jitness is death. We were repeatedly warned by Unipol staff (who were very much clued in at this stage) that this class would be difficult. After describing the planned class of intense cardio and strength training, Tash said, “It’ll be fun though!” Fun is subjective, Tash. Flatting with a Unipol staff member has taught Nina to take a Unipol staff’s version with a grain of salt. “Just around the corner” is a half marathon away and a “light weekend workout” is hot yoga (I’m never going to go with you Tash, I’m sorry). Naturally, we entered the class scared for our lives, met with no less than four “good luck!”s.

For the May challenge, Aspen and Maddie had planned an extra special U50 class. We had nothing to compare

it to as U50 virgins, but the structure of this one was something called a HYROX. The class was split into two, with each group alternating between completing one of eight exercises in the middle of the room, and running around the perimeter of the gym for two minutes at a time. As an added bonus, Maddie was taking everyone’s scores throughout to tally up for a prize at the end, like how many metres erged or laps completed. Halfway through the class, between gasps and sips of water, Jodie commented that, unlike the other classes, she was barely able to think of witty remarks or pointers to write about the class: “I’m in survival mode.”

Maddie broke the ice of the bewildered looks thrown in our direction by announcing to the class our jitness challenge, motivating everyone to work harder because at least they weren’t wearing jeans. At this point in the week, our jeans were stretched to the point of barely being a handicap bar needing to jump-adjust mid-run. This could be why, despite our hesitations (“I’m scared” read a text from Jodie beforehand), at the end of the class we couldn’t help but smile at our accomplishment.

Unipol staff reaction: Dramatically bad

Gym track: The sound of your own ears ringing and your muscles groaning in protest *acoustic version*

Difficulty: 7/10

Denim damnation level: Would rather eat a pair of jeans, buttons and all.

Jump (Wednesday 7am)

The lengths we go to in the name of journalism, honestly. Pump (jump in our case), saw us at the gym bright and early at 7am on a Wednesday morning – on Nina’s birthday, no less, because what better way to welcome 23 than totally lejitness fitness? While Pump includes an intimidating level of set-up, complete with two bars, two sets of dumbbells, a step and a mat, the class itself was very palatable. Nina sported the same (now decidedly baggy) jeans, while Jodie said she opted for a fresh pair after picking up her sweat-dampened jeans from the previous day’s JU50 blitz. The strength-based nature of the class meant a blissful break from that level of sweat. While our arms were burning, our jeans stayed delightfully sweat-free, though Jodie reckons she would’ve gone harder “if they played ‘Pump up the Jam’ every few minutes like in Cunk on Earth.” We finished Pump – dare we say it – pumped to be done with our jitness streak. Also, hearing “you still have to squeeze into your jeans” from the One Direction track while we did our cool down was quite amusing, to say the least.

Unipol staff reaction: Guilted into joining in solidarity with the birthday girl

Gym track: ‘Pump It’ by The Black Eyed Peas

Difficulty: 5/10

Denim damnation level: At least stretched-out jeans mean your vagina is safe. Your dignity, however, is not.

Joxfit 5:30pm,(Wednesdaytheoretically)

Fine, we bailed on Boxfit. Nina drew the line at two jitness classes on a day that’s meant for drinking and cake. Six out of seven classes is a good enough effort, right? However, we still made sure to get our Joxfit in – Jodie totally let Nina fight her in the OUSA parking lot. That counts, right?

Denim damnation level: We’re wearing sweats for the next two weeks, minimum.

“I’min survival mode.”

BY MADELINE O’LEARY

WHOOPS,

Back when Netflix was just a mail-order DVD service, TV of the 2000s was less about consumer choice, and more about what mass media could be rubbed against your developing retinas.

Picture this. It’s 2007, you’re home sick from school and desperate for entertainment. Windows Vista has just been downloaded onto the family computer, so the internet is effectively off limits. Faced with no other choice, you turn on the television. Your pre-pubescent brain is about to be fundamentally changed. Welcome to the worst television shows you were raised on! Thank God we outgrew these.

SO Y2K!

SURVIVOR (2000, 46 SEASONS ONGOING):

Survivor, the founder of reality TV as we know it today. The premise was simple back in its early days. Chuck a bunch of Americans from different walks of life into an unforgiving environment and force them to work together whilst voting each other off one at a time until the “sole survivor” remains to claim a $1 million prize. Unfortunately, looking back on the 2000s idea of a glorified “social experiment” does not make for easy viewing.

Women were frequently picked off first for their perceived weakness, gay men were often treated as an extra woman, and the third season featured a white goat farmer threatening to shoot his black castmate within the first episode. Season 13 was effectively a race-wars scenario with four groups of contestants divided by their ethnicities. This season was also the first to produce an Asian-American winner. In total, across 45 seasons, there have been three winners of Asian descent – fantastic stats, Survivor. Finally, the continued use – to this day – of a “tribal” motif in a show created by white men feels extremely dated. It's giving badly aged tribal tattoo. Overall, this show needs its torch snuffed.

How to watch: With caution, and maybe a hangover

Scandal factor: Elsagate

Psychological damage: The birth of reality TV. You do the math ILLUSTRATED

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (2003-2018, 24 SEASONS):

TOOTH GAP?!

The show that made Tyra Banks a household name and a smizing icon. Unfortunately, ANTM has not aged as well as its host. The early seasons of the show were rife with questionable content, including bullying treatment of girls with disordered eating, emotionally draining “makeovers” that included the filing down of one contestant’s tooth gap, and disappointing accommodation of plus-size models regarding the range of clothing they could wear in photo shoots.

However, what most people probably remember – or are shocked to find out about – are the race-swapping episodes. That’s right, twice in the show’s history were models required to slap on various shades of foundation as part of the challenge. In the first instance, as part of season 4, models were asked to embody the “persona” of another ethnicity for a Got Milk? photo shoot. And yes, black-, brown-, and yellow-face was permitted. Jay Manuel, creative director and iconic member of the ANTM cast, has expressed how he was “uncomfortable” with the challenge but was ultimately forced to go along with it by the producers. We’re with you, Jay.

The latest season of ANTM premiered in 2018 but rumours of a 25th season continue to swirl. Here’s hoping the producers leave the foundation at home.

How to watch: Through a YouTube compilation of the models falling over

Scandal factor: That time Trisha Paytas did blackface

Psychological damage: Irreparable relationship with your body image

THE SIMPLE LIFE (2003-2007, 5 SEASONS):

THAT’S HOT

Paris Hilton was the undeniable It Girl (30A) of the early 2000s, and The Simple Life undoubtedly helped her claim that title. In the show, Hilton and her then-bestie Nicole Richie were plucked from the glitz and glam of celebrity cosmopolitan life and placed into low-paying, often rural jobs. The spectacle was in witnessing people from both ends of the wealth spectrum interact, to often comedic effect.

The show was seeped in the humiliation-based entertainment culture of the 2000s. Both girls were portrayed as spoiled “airhead” blondes who had never worked a day in their lives. Their placements with low-key families and jobs was presented as an opportunity to gain real world experience, but in reality was just a ploy to create “humorous” culture-clash moments.

In one episode, whilst staying with a family in Mississippi the girls are bombarded by host-son James with insults of “blondes” and “dumb and dumber”. This prompts Nicole to snap out of her hyper feminine caricature, defending both herself and Paris, and offering to beat James’s face in. The cameras roll and kitschy sound effects play. Exploitative television at its finest. Couple this with Paris Hilton’s recent revelations about the abuse she faced within the “troubled teen” industry and how she used her baby voice and personality as a mask for her own shyness, and The Simple Life becomes a lot less “simple” to sit through.

How to watch: In a Von Dutch hat, and extremely dark shades

Scandal factor: Dramageddon 1

Psychological damage: May result in overuse of the phrase “loves it” and an affinity for fake tan a couple shades too dark

A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA (2007-2008, 2 SEASONS):

Big disclaimer, Tila Tequila has expressed some extremely bigoted opinions in the last few years that don’t deserve discussion anywhere. In fairness, it has been suggested that these views only emerged after Tila suffered a brain aneurysm due to an accidental drug overdose, but that doesn’t make them any less reprehensible. Just don’t look them up.

Many years before though, in the mid-2000s, the so-called “most popular person on MySpace” was offered her own dating show to air on MTV. The difference? Tila’s show was themed around her own bisexuality and featured equal groups of straight men and lesbian women vying for her affection. Did this mean A Shot at Love was a trailblazing piece of bisexual representation? Sadly not.

In the first episode, the groups of men and women were kept separate, with Tila revealing her bisexuality at the end of the programme, played for obvious laughs due to the shock and horror of the contestants. Gender non-conforming lesbian women were often treated as a novelty, by both the men and fellow queer women. The first season ends with Tila picking Bobby, literally the world’s most generic 2000s straight white man, over clear fan favourite Dani, a masc lesbian. Whilst this obviously could have been a valid choice on Tila’s behalf, in the context of the entire show it feels suspiciously like production interference in order to secure a second season. To top it all off, years later Tila claimed that she was not in fact bisexual and the entire show was just “gay-for-pay”. Yikes.

How to watch: Sloppy drunk after a night at Woof!

Scandal factor: If Jojo Siwa ever came out as straight Psychological Damage: An impressive mix of internalised biphobia AND lesbophobia in a delightfully confusing cocktail

SUPERSTAR USA (2004, 1 SEASON):

If “truth is stranger than fiction” could be a reality TV show, this would be it. It's almost unbelievable. As American Idol was searching for the best singer across the US, Superstar USA was doing the opposite and not telling its contestants. Individuals with, being kind, musical abilities that were less-than-ideal were told they were brilliant and put through to the next round, whilst genuinely good singers were sent home. Imagine deceiving all of the “bad” auditions from the X-factor and making a show of it – that’s Superstar USA

Eventually, the finale came down to two contestants performing in front of a live audience for the title. Here’s the catch: in order to ensure a crowd that would not laugh at the singing they were hearing, and thus give the show away, the audience was told that both contestants were terminally-ill Make-A-Wish kids who dreamed of performing live. Heinous.

A winner, Jamie, was eventually crowned and allowed to soak up the celebration. The truth was then revealed. In front of a live audience and close-up cameras Jamie realised that she had, in fact, been judged the worst singer in America, her dreams of stardom dashed. This moment is legitimately skin-crawlingly uncomfortable as we watch a young woman grapple with potentially the most elaborate gaslighting ever shown on TV. Unsurprisingly, Superstar USA was not renewed for any further seasons. Critic Te Ārohi hopes Jamie is doing well.

How to watch: Don’t

Scandal factor: CIA mind control

Psychological Damage: This is about Jamie, not you

(shit we found in the office)

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Crutches from the corner

Blunt Ice Skates

Taking Dunedin Old to new heights, Critic Te Ārohi has been around for ninety-nine years. For almost all of them, we have pissed off some groups of people, from our very own Uni, landlords, to students and non-students alike; something news-breaking or outright offensive has definitely been published to their dismay. Critic Te Ārohi has cherry-picked the best (or perhaps worst) scandals from our storied history – either scandals we broke, or scandals we were at the centre of that sent the Boomers of the ODT reeling. Sit back and marvel at a messy history that would make even the dustiest person’s hangxiety seem tame in comparison.

CRITIC SCANDALS

An Inexhaustive (Updated) Account

Falus (1960s)

Critic Te Ārohi might be an institution on campus nowadays (don’t pop our bubble if you disagree) but this wasn’t always the case: in the ‘60s, we fell off in a big way. Critic's original function of being OUSA and the Uni’s watchdog was corrupted when Critic essentially became a University puppet. In response, a counter-culture magazine, Falus (21A), was erected (ha) and operated on and off throughout the ‘60s as the new literary medium to challenge the OUSA Exec. Falus claimed to be “the Official Organ of thenBeardies and Weirdies and the Industrial Union of Workers,” and existed to fight against Critic’s so-called corruption. In a Wild West worthy showdown, Critic and Falus exchanged (at one point almost weekly) editorial arguments: “There’s only room for one of us in this gosh darned town!” Hilariously, in one of these publications

By Adam Stitely & Gryffin Powell

Illustrated by Sarah Kreft

Falus claimed that then Critic editor Warren Mayne’s head had grown too big for his body, elevating himself into the atmosphere as the world's first astronaut. This extended to claiming that Mayne’s body hovered over the Critic office transmitting signals directly from Wellington, which, as Falus understood, was the only explanation “for Critic’s policy of only printing government propaganda.”

Falus even briefly became the champion of student issues. After the University used its new-found accommodation regulations to evict a male flatmate from an all-female flat in June 1967, Critic Editor Charles Draper swept this issue of gendered flatting aside, stating that it was a “petty infringement of what we consider our glorious democratic right of liberty.” Critic was also outspoken in their support of the University’s

pro-Vietnam War stance (L take), a big point of contention in the student body at the time. Perhaps Falus was right when they accused Critic of broadcasting straight from the Beehive.

Falus by no means escaped scandal themselves, however. In their first ever issue, Falus published a student’s personal advertisement with a phone number asking for virgin freshers to call them. This caused OUSA exec member Lorriance Isaac’s (an absolute legend) to burn a copy of Falus in the library in protest, almost setting a nearby rubbish bin alight. In response, Falus writer, Otago drop out and future-literary icon, James K. Baxter replied with what could be described as an incel-manifesto about how Lorraine burnt the magazine due to her unconscious fear of pregnancy, alongside other sexist rants. This may offer insight into Baxter’s later exploits, going on to live in a cave.

The Banned Issue (2005)

Coming into the modern era, Critic had separated itself from its identity as a mouthpiece for the University, introducing an “offensive” themed issue that ran from 2002-2005. Somehow, it was only after four years of running this issue that Critic finally landed in hot water. What finally did us in? A “satirical” (29D) how-to guide on drug rape titled ‘Diary of a drug rapist: No means no, but if they can’t talk, they can’t turn you down’ written under the alias of P. Bateman.

Appropriately, this article was met with an onslaught of complaints. The Office of Film and Literature Classification eventually deemed the offensive issue “injurious to the public good” in placing “an instructional drug-rape article beside a positive profile of a man who makes a living by filming the extreme degradation and humiliation of women for sexual arousal” – referring to another feature article in the very same issue detailing the career of “the most offensive man in porn” including the graphic quote: “[Redacted] turns ordinary teens and mother’s [sic] alike into piss and cum splattered sluts before your eyes.” Hm.

2005 Editor and future Green MP Holly Walker doubled down on the decision to publish the article, stating that it was “defendable” because it highlighted “a very important issue and [would] hopefully make women more aware of what could happen to them.” However, Chief Censor Bill Hastings rightfully called out Walker’s bluff; ruling that the issue was “distinctly uncritical of, and indeed tends to promote, the very criminal activities it purports to challenge.” Walker eventually walked back her statement in 2012, labelling the article as a “mistake” whilst admitting Critic was “trying to be offensive for the sake of it, rather than with any greater purpose in mind [...] I wasn’t a very woke feminist back then.”

The issue containing the article was placed under a national censor and all publicly available copies destroyed by authorities. It is quite literally a criminal offence to possess this issue of Critic. We have all the legal documents handed down from editor to editor, however, in a file that should be labelled “what not to do”. This includes a 17-page document from the Office of Film and Literature Classification thoroughly detailing the objections to the issue, making modern-day Critic gasp as we read. At the end of the document it states: “The magazine Critic Te Arohi [sic] is classified as: Objectionable.” You don’t say.

called the Media Council) upholds journalist standards of its members. Critic, a professional magazine (lol) is a member, so we can get in trouble with them.

The article featured what was described as “Dunedin’s homeless transients and vagrants,” published in an issue filled with moneyfocused articles following the National Government’s announcement of the 2010 Budget.

The author of the article had taken to the streets to interview three well-known homeless people from Dunedin. While it was later revealed that one of the interviews was completely made up, the two other subjects were very real. Aside from being grossly exploitative in the first place, the subjects were also not given a chance to dispute or clarify the claims made about them in the article – journalism 101.

“The Bum at the Bottom

of the World” (2010)

After a five year grace period, in 2010 Critic published the article ‘The Bum at the Bottom of the World’, once again landing the magazine in the shitter. They got a slap on the wrist from the Proctor of journalism: The New Zealand Press Council.

Consisting of an independent chair, newspaper and magazine publishers, union and government members, The Press Council (now

The resulting articles caused a member of the Dunedin Mental Health Support Trust to complain to 2010 Editor Ben Thomson in writing. The complainant expressed that the article was “poorly written, poorly researched, in disgustingly bad taste, defamatory, discriminatory, and possibly inciting violence.” Thomson apologised for the article, saying Critic "completely misjudged where the line was.” However, in a move rivalling the insincerity of Jax Taylor’s annual Vanderpump Rules reunion promises of “changing for the better”, Critic went on to publish a piece asking students around campus to play fuck-marry-kill with the subjects of the article. The Dunedin Mental Health Support Trust escalated their complaint to the big boys: The Press Council.

The Press Council upheld the complaint against ‘the Bum at the Bottom of the World’, determining that Critic was in the wrong. However, the Council accepted Critic’s original apology as sincere, essentially saying “nevermind that fuck-marry-kill game you did.” Like we said, a slap on the wrist. The Press Council really is the Proctor of journalism.

That One Editor Who Was Forced to Step Down (2013)

Scandal erupted in the Critic office after the suspension of the 2013 Editor of Critic by the OUSA General Manager on May 3rd. The Editor made an appearance at the Critic office three days later trying to explain the situation to staff, before being asked to leave by police and trespassed from all OUSA buildings.

Within hours rumours were gushing out of the Critic office, despite having allegedly been sworn to maintain radio silence on the matter. Press such as Salient (Victoria Uni’s student mag), the Otago Daily Times and The Christchurch Press all began publishing articles in attempts to get to the bottom of the matter. The now-former Editor began the process of legal action against Critic and OUSA. OUSA’s General Manager opted to settle for a payout rather than take the matter to court, with reports that the former Editor received a $35,000 settlement – although this is now believed to be more in the region of $20,000.

After this debacle, Critic came under the editorship of Sam McChesney, who made his intentions public about wanting to publish the reasons behind the suspension of the former Editor. However, this was prevented by another threat of legal action from the former Editor, causing McChesney to alter his original editorial about the scandal into what looks like a nonsensical blacked out CIA document.

Critic Te Ārohi would love to tell you what the real reason the former Editor was fired (it’s actually pretty hilarious), but he currently practises as a criminal defence lawyer, and Critic doesn’t have $20,000 lying around that we want to shell out. We spent all our money on nerf gun bullets.

Word on the street is that the former Editor refused to answer Critic’s request for comment surrounding the scandal, and that he instead chose to only speak to Salient (Critic’s rival) in a mini-press circuit in which he slammed his former publication. But hey, he still has ‘Critic Editor’ listed on his LinkedIn, so the blood can’t be that bad right?

Rape Comics (2013)

Way back when, Critic had a weekly comic strip in every issue. With only pictures and a few words, it would seem like the risk of Critic publishing something super fucking offensive was lower the usual. But alas, a picture truly paints a thousand words, and in 2013, not one, but two rape jokes were included in comics.

To make matters worse, the comics were only two issues apart. The first comic in question involved a man talking to his car. It said, “This was meant to be a Māori joke but the editor refused to print it.” Props to the editor? The car then says, “Print a rape joke then.” The reply? “No they’re always forced.” Oh. The second bizarre comic involved a Dad saying he wanted to bang Selena Gomez, and his wife being quite upset. The next panel showed the man’s wife being awarded custody of Gomez, who was revealed to be their daughter all along. That’s right: an incest joke as the cherry-on-top of that fucked up piece of artwork.

Unsurprisingly, these two issues received numerous complaints, causing

the editor (Sam McChesney) to dedicate an editorial to apologising for the rape comments. He admitted that he initally wanted to defend the publication of the second rape-joke comic, citing Louis CK as an example of a comic who pulls off “acceptable rape jokes” (that aged well), until he ran the editorial past a couple of his female friends who called him on his shit. McChesney wrote:

“It’s frustrating to be told that you are fundamentally unqualified to comment on a topic. It’s a characteristically male attitude that with introspection and deep, abstract thought, one can figure out most problems. Hence the obsession with free speech and other such rights [...] When you cannot empathise with the experience of being raped, or with the fear that the threat of rape inspires, it’s difficult to understand just how traumatic the topic can be. And without this understanding, it’s easy to dismiss [...] objectors [to these jokes] as unreasonable, over-sensitive, and misandric, or to lapse into talking about “free speech” or some other such bullshit. When you exist in a male-dominated echo-chamber – which, for whatever reason, the Critic office unfortunately is – this attitude can ossify into knee-jerk defensiveness.”

However, McChesney's honest, self-aware, and introspective editorial was slightly undermined by his replies to the letters to the editor just over the page. Two letters condemned Critic’s previous publication of these rape-joke comics. One of these letters was titled by McChesney as “this is how reasonable people discuss things” and another – albeit more angry and confrontational in its tone – is titled “this isn’t”. It could be argued that telling someone who’s upset about a rape-joke that they’re not a “reasonable person” immediately after apologising for said joke is a surefire way to undermine your remorse. Admittedly, the letter called the editor a “cunt” and labelled the cartoonist who drew the comic as “shit”, but modern-day Critic reckons that sounds about right.

‘Call Me Crazy’ Psych

Ward Scandal (2014)

The early 2010s trend of Critic’s marginal calls continued in 2014 with the publication of ‘Call me Crazy’. The feature article detailed a reporter’s experience sneaking into a psychiatric hospital to investigate patients’ “recovery environment”. The article came from an angle of being upset at the (now defunct) Southern District Health Board’s ‘Raise Hope’ plan to address mental health through psychiatric care. The outcome of the article, however, was controversial and upsetting for many.

Despite their friend initially voicing concerns over making an unauthorised visit to a psychiatric hospital, the reporter persisted. The two drove to the hospital, entered rooms uninvited and interviewed patients. Unsurprisingly, most patients did not respond well to a complete stranger asking them why they were at a psychiatric hospital. After asking a nurse for permission to interview psychiatric inpatients (which wasn’t given), the reporter proceeded to talk to patients by pretending to be a visitor to the ward. At one point in the article the author said that they “felt fortunate” that they didn’t have to see a severely mentally-ill patient in the unit they heard about from another patient. Yikes.

There was immediate (and justified) backlash to this article being published. The SDHB said they were “stunned” by the article, and the hospital in question had to review its own security measures. Comments on Critic’s website called the author an “insensitive dick” and “frankly offensive”. An Otago Daily Times article was written about the feature as well, garnering the scandal even more attention.

The Menstruation Issue Cover (2018)

Finally, a scandal Critic was on the right side of: a scandal so juicy that it made international headlines. The 12th issue of Critic in 2018 was the menstruation (38A) themed issue. A graphic menstruating vagina drawn in a retro video game style graced the cover of the issue in the name of destigmatising menstruation. The Uni overlords, however, did not take well to this cover.

Rumour has it a member of Campus Watch took offence to the cover and began chucking campus copies into skips – certainly not a move in alignment with the Uni’s sustainability goals. Critic Te Ārohi was asked to remove copies of the magazine from hospital waiting rooms, the medical school, and the Dunedin Public Library; the latter whom the Uni claimed requested its removal. This turned out to be bogus, of course (not the gaslighting from the Uni). The remaining issues were confiscated on a Tuesday, and the Uni claimed that 500 copies were taken. However, the number was likely closer to 1500-2000 copies according to the Critic editor at the time, Joel McManus.

As backlash of the confiscated issues spread around Dunedin and eventually worldwide, an open letter from seventeen of Critic’s former editors was presented to the University, reading: "Universities should be environments where students and lecturers alike are free to express their minds and debate ideas. The decision by the university to confiscate without warning Critic's latest issue is directly contrary to these ideals.” This, combined with media coverage from Stuff, BBC, Reuters and other worldwide outlets, prompted the Uni to issue a formal apology to Critic Te Ārohi.

While the apology was accepted by Critic and seemed pretty sincere, it was clear that the Uni bigwigs all had differing perspectives on the issue. Former Vice Chancellor Harlene Haynes called the issue “particularly good”. An unnamed Campus Watch team leader called the cover “trash and filth” according to emails obtained by Critic through the Official Information Act. Despite these varying opinions, the University itself said in its apology it held “no official view” on the content of the issue.

In a badass move, the following issue’s cover was the Uni’s apology letter to Critic. Except they censored most of it so the student body couldn’t see it for themselves. What goes around comes around.

The outrage from this scandal was perhaps one of the biggest and far ranging of any Critic scandal in history. The Uni released a statement which was hit with widespread call outs of plagiarism. As Critic made the headlines both in Aotearoa and abroad, a protest about free speech rights was organised on campus. The vagina-gate story was even more viewed on The Guardian than the Donald Trump - Kim Jong Un beef at the time. Not bad for a humble vaj from Dirty Dunners.

BongShell (2018)

Joel MacManus had his hands full in 2018, it seems. Critic Te Ārohi dropped a bongshell of a story when we reported Proctor Dave Scott had illegally trespassed into a Leith Street flat and confiscated multiple bongs. The story quickly garnered national attention as it was picked up by a conglomeration of national media outlets. After Critic broke the first story, we were approached by another student who claimed that the Proctor had also entered their Castle Street flat when they weren’t home and stolen their bongs. He then allegedly called the flat into a meeting where they were questioned about their possession of them.

A third student came forward with a similar story from 2016. Except this time it was reported that the flat was home at the time and made to hand over their bongs, despite three of the residents not being students. After the Proctor came under fire for his actions, causing Uni Comms to scramble to damage control, issuing a statement saying the Proctor was “focused on

helping students gain degrees and not criminal convictions” and that the Proctor was “for the most part comfortable with the action he took.”

A student protest led by OUSA Recreation Officer Josh Smythe resulted, calling for the resignation of Scott over the bong fiasco. However, Smythe eventually settled down his forced resignation stance prior to the organised protest. “We just decided to forgive him. There will still be a protest; there will still be an expression of emotion.” The eventual protest was attended by more than 600 students, and earned Smythe the title of Critic’s person of the year.

The Proctor later retracted his stance. Scott admitted in a press conference (live streamed on Critic’s Facebook) that the stolen bongs had been destroyed and apologised for his actions. Scott even allegedly offered to resign from his job behind the scenes. However, his apology was accepted wholesale. Scott still remains the Proctor today, most recently being applauded by Critic for his work mitigating the harm of flat initiations. As Critic interviewed him about these in his office last year, we spotted a proudly displayed press cartoon of his bong-stealing exploits.

Knox Exposé (2019)

In 2019, Critic released a chunky, nearly 3000-word exposé calling out the toxic culture of misogyny within Knox College that existed at the time. The investigative feature alleged that numerous instances of sexual harassment and rape went un-disciplined at the hall, even when reported to senior management. The piece included testimonies of three female students who attended the hall from 2011-2017.

The exposé led to the Vice-Chancellor at the time, Harlene Hayne, to call a hui of all female RAs in Otago halls to discuss female safety, and became a pivotal part of the ongoing #MeToo movement in Dunedin. And, the sign of any big scandal, Critic’s reporting made national news, getting featured on Stuff, New Zealand Herald, RNZ, The Spinoff – and even the Fijian Broadcasting Corporation. The scandal rocked Knox’s reputation as well. Incoming freshers moving to Dunedin half a decade since the article was published still know about the culture at Knox depicted in the article.

However, whilst the toxic culture at Knox depicted in the article remained undisputed, the claim that sexual violence went undisciplined did. Critic later issued an apology to Knox Deputy Headmaster (now Headmaster) Caroline Hepburn-Doole for not reaching out for comment before print, amending the claims of the article of senior management’s complicity to: “The former Deputy Master took complaints of sexual harassment seriously and took steps to address matters brought to her attention.”

Despite the hiccup, the Knox exposé remains a milestone in the local #MeToo movement, and forced the hand of Knox College to address their toxic boys-club culture. Under the leadership of Caroline, the culture of the college has significantly shifted for the better in her mantra of inclusivity, telling Critic she wants Knox to feel like a home to all students living there.

Threatening Landlord Cover (2019)

In 2019, Critic made headlines after publishing a story about a landlord breaching tenancy laws. The landlord forced students to pay out fixed-term contracts from their boarding house. Under the law, these students were allowed to leave after giving 48-hours notice. Critic’s article caused the landlord to bombard Critic with angry emails, with one telling us to “remove your filthy stinking lying bitch-whining bullshit story abusing us off the web now or further action!!!!” In a GOATed move from Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin, Critic published the email on the cover of the next issue, turning the story into national news.

Following up on this story in a subsequent article, Critic asked the landlord if they had rented out the boarding house on an illegal fixed-term lease. The landlord wrote back to Critic: “WE SUGGEST YOU WRITE ABOUT OTHER PROPERTY NOT OURS WHICH YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. THERE IS ALREADY ANOTHER ARTICLE FULL OF LIES ABOUT IT BY RETALIATING LYING TENANT AND MORE LYING AWFUL CRITIC REPORTERS.” Lovely. It’s good to know that landlords have always been shit.

When the Uni ghosted Critic (2020)

Think getting ghosted by your situationship is bad? Imagine how Critic felt when the Uni ghosted us in 2020, ass-deep into the first COVID lockdown. After 2020 Editor Sinead Gill published an editorial titled ‘Otago Fucked up with COVID-19’, the VC Harlene Hayne called the editorial (and Critic’s coverage of University affairs at large) “untruthful, unfair, inaccurate and mean-spirited” according to internal documents the Otago Daily Times obtained under the Official Information Act.

The consequences of pissing off the leader of your very own uni? Pretty big, turns out. For a period of time, the Uni halted advertising in the magazine, causing Critic to tighten its already limited budget. Subsequent editions had fewer pages, and less copies were printed for circulation. At the peak of the scandal, the Uni wouldn’t even respond to comment for articles – pretty inconvenient when the point of the magazine is to report about all things Otago Uni.

The scandal caused the Uni and Critic to attend a ‘Student Advisory Board’ meeting, and a strained relationship followed for a period of time after that. Like any situationship, there was a rough patch between the Uni and Critic, but our relationship is back on track thanks to our most recently departed Editor Fox’s charm – let’s just hope Nina doesn’t write an unhinged editorial any time soon.

Aotearoa Student Press Awards Boycott (2022)

Forget the Oscars or Grammys, the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) awards night is the hottest night in student journalism. All student magazines across the country gather together in a different city each year, where ASPA awards are dished out for all sorts of categories. Not to toot our own horn, but Critic is pretty darn good at scooping up ASPAs, taking out first or second in 19 out of the 25 categories last year. Not too shabby. Things went a bit south in 2022, however, when Critic opted to boycott the award ceremony – not just because hauling ass to Wellington for the awards was a ceebs. Salient had been tipped to win best photography, however the award-winning photo in question was (allegedly) a drone shot taken by a professional photographer – i.e., not a student. Salient took the S out of ASPA, which just leaves us with APA – an acronym that sends shivers down any student’s spine.

In protest to this disrespect to student journalism, the Critic team took a stand for their morals with the most noble course of action: a piss-up in the office and Zoom call. There’s debate among ex-staff over whether this actually was in protest or if it was just a good excuse to be lazy.

Eugenics Building: The Scandal that should’ve been (2022)

Scandals are in these days, and every student journalist wants to be the first to break them. In 2022 current Editor (then a fledgling reporter) Nina Brown broke a story on the Psych building being named after a famous Eugenics academic. The building in question, Galton House, is named after Sir Francis Galton (8D), a psychologist, statistician, geographer and “massive fucking racist.” The Critic team was expecting to make big waves with this one, only for the response to be, well, nothing. Nobody gave a fuck. To Critic’s confusion, this piece went basically unnoticed, so we’ve dubbed this the “should-be” scandal. C’mon Otago, just change the name already.

Initiation-Gate (2023)

Critic may have been bummed by the lack of scandal-breaking in 2022, but just a year later the team made it big again with initiation-gate. In case you somehow forgot, at the end of last year the Uni made national news. Not for its world-class education, but for its culture of hazing and initiations. Yes, the articles that your family left on your bedside table over the break, and prompted pointed side-eyes when duck was served at Christmas lunch.

Critic published a series of articles towards the end of 2023 calling out flat initiations on the party streets of North Dunedin. One of the most shocking breaking stories involved a live eel being abused, sparking national outrage and was denounced by organisations like the SPCA. Following this, a bunch of other initiation stories surfaced, such as being forced to strip down and watch gay porn (i.e., sexual assault), pelicaning (vomiting into one another's mouths), and iguana wrestling.

Critic’s coverage landed some students in hot water, subsequently seeking out a Critic staff member’s address for retaliation. The reporter was forced into hiding during semester two exams. Other Critic staff encountered hostility from their wider friend group amongst other feral second-years bitter from their trip to the Proctor’s office.

While the initiation-gate was awarded Best News Story at the 2023 ASPAs, with judge Glenn McConnell commending Critic for breaking news of “national significance”, the rumour mill got out of control on the ground. After the Otago Daily Times reported that the source's son had to bite off duck legs in an initiation, the story spread around the country faster than an STD in Hamilton.

After further investigation, Critic found the ODT’s account of the duck abuse likely never happened. The only thing Critic could find proof of was that a duck was on the list of things to bring to an initiation, the idea being no fresher would actually end up bringing a duck (and punishment could ensue). When one flat was met with a duck upon the freshers arrival, they were apparently confused as fuck and set it free. Sure, the duck may have briefly been at an initiation, likely distressed - but all of its limbs remained intact.

Great Hall Food Review Scandal (2024)

This year’s Great Hall Food Review in the food issue led Critic down a scandalous path early in our 2024 tenure. The feature article involving various different Critic staff sneaking into dining halls as undercover freshers to review hall food resulted in a whiplash of anger from Hayward and Salmond.

This all kicked off with Critic’s less than inconspicuous attempt at sneaking into Hayward for dinner. Mid-meal, Features Editor Iris and News Editor Hugh were approached by Hayward Warden Amber Robertson where she “tore us a new one.” Critic was accused of unethical journalism, being a threat to safety, obstructing the Student Code of Conduct, breaking the law, ruining the relationship between the magazine and the university bureaucracy, then finally, after all of that, having the audacity to review them (oops).

After this, the disgraced reporters (we prefer hall food connoisseurs) had to write down their details while their IDs were photographed by the Warden. After sending an email to all of the halls about Critic’s antics, Hayward suggested that Critic sign-out of the hall and offer to pay for the meals, both of which Iris and Hugh forgot to do in their haste to get the fuck out of there. Our email offering to bank transfer instead went unanswered.

Following the Hayward fiasco, Critic Te Ārohi also came under the blower of rage due to its review of Salmond’s food. After seeing their sub-par rating of 3.6 (admittedly a bit harsh), Salmond organised a meeting of the kitchen staff where tears were allegedly shed. Salmond freshers waged war in furious letters to the Editor, threatening DMs to the (correctly) rumoured reviewer Gryffin, as well as intense in-person conversations with Critic staff. Salmond’s consensus was that the food review was a fucking scam. Our consensus is: Don’t fuck with the ‘Mond. At the recent Cheese Toastie ski club and canoe club event, however, Gryffin was “officially forgiven” for the review, with a Salmond resident telling him: “Peace and love.” Happy days.

“UNTRUTHFUL, UNFAIR, INACCURATE AND MEANSPIRITED”

FALL FROM GRACE?

By Nina Brown

MADAM PRESIDENT: CAN SHE READ?

Photos by Sophia Niblock

Every celebrity has fallen victim to the rumour mill. Jamie Foxx died and was replaced by a clone; Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson were boning during their One Direction days; Keanu Reeves is immortal; Khloé Kardashian is OJ Simpson’s daughter; Jennifer Lawrence faked her 2013 Oscars trip for attention; Michael Cera is the mastermind behind CeraVe; and student president Keegan Wells can’t read.

The rumour began with the woman herself, joking to Critic’s News Editor Hugh before a recent exec meeting, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I got [Admin VP] Emily to read the meeting agenda to me?” But was this a joke, or a classic reverse psychology cover-up? Is the political mastermind hiding in plain sight? “I laughed along at first,” says Hugh. “But thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her read the agenda [...] she always asks [OUSA Secretary] Donna what’s next.”

Our suspicions were raised. “I didn’t really think anything of it at the time,” Emily tells Critic. “Keegan’s always getting me to do odd jobs, so it wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary.” She wouldn’t elaborate on these “odd jobs”, but Critic suspects it has something to do with the totally real and legit bird noises on campus. Other exec members tell Critic that Keegan almost exclusively communicates with voice memos and gifs in the

exec chat, and point out that she said her ANZAC service speech without any notes.

Asked whether these behaviours could be something to do with her reading abilities, Emily glanced furtively at the baby monitor strapped to her (beck and call to new extremes). As she diplomatically said, “Keegan is doing an amazing job, and if she were a man there wouldn’t be this sort of scrutiny,” she slid a piece of paper across the table where we sat. A clue! “Look at her copy of the exec agenda.”

The team at Critic were in a frenzy over these comments. We spotted the document in question at the next exec meeting. Under the official OUSA logo, pictures spelled out “welcome to the meeting” with a picture of a well, emoji cum, stock image ‘duh’ and a picture of a meeting. In response to our queries, CEO Debbie simply said, “No comment.” OUSA is in on the secret, it seems!

One student Critic spoke to pointed out that she used to work as a writer for Critic: “Surely if she couldn’t read she also wouldn’t be able to write?” There are ways around this, however. Writers are free to work wherever they please (it’s been speculated that Hugh writes articles on his phone as he runs from one interview to another) and Keegan, too, often opted to work remotely.

READ?

DMC OR SECRET LESSON?

TURN THAT FROWNDOWN!UPSIDE

There’s speculation that there were all sorts of tools at her disposal to “write” articles: dictating articles to a friend, or recording herself speaking and running it through a transcription service.

“You should have seen what we had to work with sometimes,” says former Editor Fox Meyer.

But the question was: would Keegan be foolish enough to leave a trail? Critic sent our photographer on a covert mission to obtain proof.

“The evidence is MOUNTING” read an email from Sophia containing the proof we needed. One shows Keegan running Dunedin News comments slamming her NZ Herald op ed (again, jury’s out on whether she wrote it) through speech-toaudio software. She was also caught on her way to a Uni Council meeting in the Clocktower on Friday, May 17th, tripping up the stairs (“good trip?” asked a nearby council member) which left her sprawling – alongside an array of learning to read worksheets.

Catching wind of Critic’s investigation into the rumours, it appears that Keegan – insisting that she is literate – attempted to throw us off the scent. During a lunch break just last week, Critic

was sent a Snap from someone who had spotted her “reading” a copy of Critic in Auahi Ora (6D) – upside down. Was this the nail in the coffin for Keegan? In her attempts to set the record straight, had she unintentionally outed herself once and for all? Or was this a ploy the prankloving president was in on?

An emotional confrontation between Critic Editor Nina and Keegan in her office saw a confession from the President: “I’m glad it’s out in the open. I feel like I’m being seen [naked] for the first time. It’s honestly freeing to have this great weight lifted off my shoulders. You don’t know how hard it’s been these past few months [...] No one told me reading was a pre-req for the job, but I can see how it would be so much easier if that was the case.” Keegan intends on continuing her studies, saying she would “really love to do a crossword one day, that is my goal for the end of the year.”

In a cathartic end to a whirlwind of speculation and scandal, our leader leaves us with this: “You don’t need to be able to read to love” (9A).

SOMETHING TO WATCH

weeklyspecials

‘Fully conscious baby’ TikToks

The Internet’s latest obsession is a baby who really wants to go to the Four Seasons Hotel in Orlando, and you either get it or you don’t. Everyone is in awe? fear? of its mysterious cognitive abilities, and there are numerous deep dives, analyses, spinoffs, artistic interpretations, and edits for your viewing pleasure. Give in to the TikTok brain rot and let someone else have a fully developed frontal lobe this exam season.

SOMETHING TO READ

Critic Te Ārohi

Shameless self-promotion because we can: Critic is a great read – even outside of the crossword, horoscopes, and moaningful confessions. Nowhere else will you find content that relates so hard to your life that it’ll have you wondering whether Critic staff are in the walls of your flat. Because we are. We’re everywhere. We see everything. You can’t run, you can't hide from us, little content puppets.

SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO

Country music

Country hate is cringe. Maturity is realising that country artists are fucking banger lyricists and that putting on a pair of cowboy boots and line dancing in your lounge is a way better vibe than finger fucking the air to DnB. And how could you watch Footloose without wanting to recreate the scene of Ren and Ariel tearing up the dance floor to ‘Fake ID’? Honestly, anything that's country is a good call. Giddy up, cowboys!

SOMETHING TO GO TO

The library I know, I’m sorry honey. But exams are just around the corner and it’s time to lock the fuck in. Not everyone studies the best at the library – word on the street is that Central is the place for yapping, so maybe don’t go there if you’re easily distracted – but maybe stop kidding yourself when you say you’ll “just study from home”. No you won’t. Peer pressure makes diamonds, and you’ll slack off (and check the fridge) less if you’re somewhere public to study.

SOMETHING TO SUPPORT

Local businesses on George St

These businesses have been BATTLING during the George St renovations. Just walking past the construction site briefly had me reaching for my noise-cancelling headphones and hop-skipping Carrie Bradshaw style to get past as quickly as possible. Not only have workers at businesses on George been putting up with this noise (and weird concrete smells) but it’s been driving customers away, too. Show your support by swapping your Bargain Chemist haul shop for a browse in the local shops of George.

SOMETHING TO CANCEL

Wearing Uggs out in public

It’s kinda gross when you think about it. People pee on the footpath on a night out all the time and you're just stopping your little Sherpa covered feet around Dunedin, into gross footpath substances. They also build up a stench so just wear some fluffy socks and real shoes plz!

THURSDAY 30 MAY

THE DUNEDIN SWING FESTIVAL - ŌTEPOTI BLUES SESSIONS ADJØ Featuring The Little Eddies Blues Band. Tickets from humanitix.com. 7.30pm.

FRIDAY 31 MAY

SATURDAY 1 JUNE

INCH BAR'S 30TH BIRTHDAY - ROGERS DREAM INCH BAR 8pm. Koha entry.

RADIO ONE PRESENTS: VOOM, REB FOUNTAIN, AND VERA ELLEN FEATURE EVENT @ ERRICK'S Tickets from ticketmaster.co.nz. 7pm.

INDIGO BLUE JAZZ SESSIONS INDIGO ROOM 9.30pm. Koha entry.

PEARLY* EP RELEASE THE CROWN HOTEL w/ Butchers Model Glue and Dale Kerrigan. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 8.30pm.

DUNEDIN UNDERGROUND BEATS CAROUSEL LOUNGE BAR Featuring OBAN b2b OB1, ROME, NAMU, and The Dub Club. 9pm. $5 before 11pm, $10 after.

SEISMIC - ALBUM RELEASE TOUR THE CROWN HOTEL w/ Sense of Time, U-No Juno, and Saurian. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 8pm.

DEVILSKIN - WE RISE 10TH ANNIVERSARY TOUR UNION HALL, UNIVERSITY OF OTAGO w/ Tadpole, Emma Dilemma, and Skinny Hobos. Tickets from eventfinda.co.nz. 7.30pm.

THE DUNEDIN SWING FESTIVAL - THE GLENROY BALL GLENROY AUDITORIUM

INCH BAR'S 30TH BIRTHDAY - STEVE YOUNG AND THE ANGRY YOUNG MEN AND FREDDY FUDD PUCKER INCH BAR 8pm. Koha entry.

INCH BAR'S 30TH BIRTHDAY - CALLUM GERRY HAMPTONE AND THE ENTIRE ALPHABET INCH BAR 8pm. Koha entry.

Featuring The Dunedin City Jazz Orchestra. Tickets from humanitix.com. 6.30pm doors, 7pm taster dance class, 8pm band. Ticket includes New Athenaeum Theatre Afterparty from 11.30pm featuring King Leo.

PEARLY* EP RELEASE (ALL AGES) YOURS w/ I.V.Y and Koizilla. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 3pm. All ages.

SUNDAY 2 JUNE

INCH BAR'S 30TH BIRTHDAY - CELTIC JAM SESSION AND DJANGOCOLYPSE TRIO INCH BAR 3.30pm. Koha entry.

1 Becca Caffyn (Dn) - Hallways No. 2 last week | 6 weeks in chart 22ND MAY

2 beet-wix (Dn) - slug level standard No. 5 last week | 5 weeks in chart

3 Sure Boy (NZ) - Post Party Pepsi No. 7 last week | 7 weeks in chart

4 Ani Saafa (Dn) - Waste It No. 1 last week | 5 weeks in chart

5 Ha the Unclear (NZ) - Alchemy No. 9 last week | 2 weeks in chart

6 Death And The Maiden (Dn) - Leanest Cut No. 4 last week | 3 weeks in chart

7 Liam Finn (NZ) - I Just Want You To Be So Happy No. 10 last week | 4 weeks in chart

8 Dbldbl (NZ) - Fakey ft. Randa No. 6 last week | 5 weeks in chart

9 Career Girls (NZ) - MONDAYS No. 11 last week | 11 weeks in chart

10 Embedded Figures (NZ) - The Hustle 1 week in chart

11 Terrible Sons (NZ) - Thank You 1 week in chart

MAZAGRAN HIT PICKS

Vera Ellen (NZ) - danger i (ft oli devlin) Finn Johansson and Ny Oh (NZ) - We Still Got It

Snapper aren’t as widely known in the “Dunedin Sound” pantheon as they should be. Apart from a mural next to the legendary venue, The Crown, the band are often unrecognised due to the lack of availability to their material. Critic Te Ārohi interviewed drummer Alan Haig from Snapper asking about his experience with the band.

Snapper is made up of Alan Haig (drums), Dominic Stones (guitar), Christine Voice (guitar, keyboard, vocals) and Peter Gutteridge (guitar, keyboard, vocals). Alan learnt drums while “on the job” with Martin Phillips and Peter Gutteridge where they jammed under the name ‘The Chills’. He briefly left the band in 1982 to join The Verlaines and then returned to The Chills yet again in 1986. “During this period I also held down a full time job as an Electrical Engineer which helped to pay for instruments, snacks, vehicles, etc. [I’m] glad I was able to provide that part of assistance. Every band needs a van, Landrover, truck to get from A to B with our amps, guitars, drums, etc. – I owned three Land Rovers at this time.”

Snapper was formed by Haig and Gutteridge in 1987 originally under the name ‘The Phroms’, until six months later when Voice and Stone joined the band and changed their name to Snapper. “Snapper is named after a very cute wee black pet cat Peter adored,” Haig mentions.

According to Haig, Snapper “applied more hypnotic keyboard riffs, drum machine beats, which I was able to emulate on my drum kit and with Peter's alternative/pop style of songwriting and vocals formed the sound.” The influence for Snapper came from a range of artists. “We were listening to the Velvet Underground but with Peter and I, we started listening to Alan

Vega, Martin Rev and Suicide and just thought this music is great. Peter also was influenced by Bo Diddley for songwriting.”

Haig’s overlap in bands, as well as other musicians is just a product of Dunedin. “Every song writer, contributing musician has their own unique style of playing and interpreting whatever. Dunedin is a very small city and we all tend to jam with one another at some time to see what feels good or what doesn’t. You just know when things feel good, so you stick together or go and find another party,” says Haig.

Dunedin is very important to Haig as it is where he was born. “It's my home town and some of my family are here as well. I did live in Auckland in 1985 when The Chills moved from Dunedin to Auckland. My god that was a big move! I kinda burnt Auckland out during that year and just couldn’t wait to get back to Dunedin. Dunedin has such a friendly vibe of musicians. It’s a better lifestyle, cheaper, and more relaxed to live here than other cities in the world.”

Haig is still involved within the music scene, playing in bands such as Jay Clarkson & The Containers on keyboard and is now looking to pick up the sticks again. “I’ve always been an alternative musician. It's in my blood.”

Snapper are currently going through old unheard live recordings which may be released at some stage along with remastered versions of their EPs and albums. You can find their EP on Bandcamp and read more about the band at audioculture.co.nz.

By Jordan Irvine

For New Zealand Music Month and for the 40th anniversary of Radio One, Local Produce will cover four iconic Dunedin bands by way of interviewing a member of each selected band and asking them about their legacy.

FOR:

I cannot think of a convincing downside to introducing intensive agricultural grazing on Union Lawn. As we are all well aware, our beloved Uni is in financial turmoil. So, when faced with the choice between completely culling the language programme or turning Union Lawn into the mirror image of Southland, I think it’s a real no brainer.

The first benefit is, of course, money. If the past 40 years of economic growth in our country is anything to go off, dairy’s a winner in the money-making department. Cow-ching. Sure, some may point to the harmful effects this kind of farming can have on the environment but who’s to say we can’t make it sustainable? Rope in the Environmental Management majors for practical, real-world application of their degree right on campus.

Secondly, and more wholesomely, the intensive dairy farm would unite two desperate factions of Otago: the BCom breatha and the science majors. These two groups rarely interact and, in reality, probably have a lot to learn from each other. Having large herds of cows on campus will give them both something to talk about – the economic impact or the cow’s biology, or where the money they get from their Auckland dairy farm-owning parents comes from. And as for the smell, when it’s already between unwashed Gregs and whatever vile thing is spewing from Gregg’s, the introduction of a couple hundred dairy cows is probably going to be negligible. Besides, a couple months in Dunedin and you

get used to the smell of the livestock trucks pretty quick. This is just adapting on a bigger scale, right?

If intensive agriculture is going to make money and bring people together, why is it a bad thing? It might just be the solution to get Otago back on track.

AGAINST:

Intensive dairy farming on Union Lawn is a slippery slope. If Otago adopts this practice, it’s arguably only a matter of time before other uni campuses do the same. And that’s the problem: Otago students lack the skills and, in a lot of cases, the attention spans (thanks TikTok) to effectively conduct successful dairy farming. We specialise in a fairly limited range of things here at Otago Uni and the idea of looking after a couple hundred cows, when we can barely manage to look after ourselves, is simply a step too far. Cows cannot survive on instant noodles.

What would probably end up happening is that, within a year, the engineering weirdos up at UC will have figured out a way to make a farm more efficient than ours and we will, once again, be coming second to something from Canterbury.

If we still want to go down the farming route, the best option is to shift to chicken farming. We’d still get all the benefits, just in the form of cheap eggs and without having to work with the likes of Fonterra. Life would be so much easier because chickens are so much easier to maintain than cows.

And finally, dairy’s just bad for the environment and, as a uni, we at least like to pretend to care about that environment. Chickens represent a more sustainable option than cows and our already polluted Leith won't be suffering from dairy run off.

Considering all the factors above, intensive dairy farming just isn’t the best choice for our uni. But hey, there’s no use crying over nonexistent milk.

SHOULD THE UNI TURN CAMPUS GRASS INTO A DAIRY FARM?

members and meets at the Business School every Tuesday at 6pm.

nutrients. Could you want anything more? The ingredients used this week are all coming into season so will make a budget friendly meal for this time of year. The recipe is delicious on its own but also goes really well served alongside a protein of your choice. Feel free to switch things up and use whatever vegetables tickle your fancy.

Ingredients:

4 medium potatoes (diced)

1 large kumara (peeled and diced)

1 beetroot (peeled and diced)

1/2 pumpkin (peeled and diced)

3 carrots (diced)

120g bag mesclun salad mix

100 g feta cheese

1 tsp cumin

1 clove garlic (crushed/grated)

Lemon juice (approx ½ a lemon)

2 tsp dijon mustard

1 tsp honey

Salt Pepper

Olive oil

you can use brown sugar if you don’t have any honey

Roast Vege Salad

Serves: 4

Time: 1 hr

$

Price: $ Difficulty:$1/5 Vibe

Potluckcheck:with your parents' friends (so distinguished!)

By Ruby Hudson

Instructions:

NOTES

• Ifyouwantcrispyvegetables do not toss them in the oven. The bottom will become perfectly crispy if you just leave them alone!

• Forevenlycookedvegetables rotate whichever tray is on the top so they each get a go

Step 1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees celsius while you prepare the vegetables.

Step 2. On a lined baking tray add your diced carrots, kumara and potatoes. Toss these with a small amount of oil, and salt and pepper to taste. Cook for 40 mins or until golden and crispy.

Step 3. After 10 mins, add your pumpkin and beetroot to a lined tray. Toss these with a small amount of oil, and salt and pepper to taste. At this stage add the cumin to the pumpkin as well. Place in the oven and cook for 30 mins until golden and crispy/cooked through.

Step 4. While your vegetables are cooking, make the dressing. Add 2 Tbsp of oil into a bowl, along with the garlic clove, lemon juice, dijon mustard, honey, and salt and pepper. Whisk until combined. Have a taste and add any additional ingredients if you feel they are needed (e.g. not sweet enough add more honey, or if it doesn't taste like much add more dijon/lemon juice/salt and pepper).

Step 5. Once the vegetables are cooked let them cool for 10 mins. Add them to a large bowl and toss with the mesclun mix, dressing and feta cheese. Enjoy!

By CHUNNY Bill Swilliams

I once drunkenly asked a bartender if they had any Speight’s, to which they replied “We only have good beer.” Turns out all they had on tap was Export Gold. Critic begs to fucking differ. Now, Export Gold is many things but a good beer it definitely is not. While the drop isn’t necessarily terrible, it’s unequivocally the definition of mediocrity. It’s all things luke-warm, it solely listens to Today’s Top Hits on Spotify, and probably has a hyperfixation on trains, or at least some sort of heavy machinery.

Export Gold is like if a Corona ran into the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows and all of its summery joy had been drained from it, like if summer was perpetually overcast. It’s a little bit boring and has no real defining character traits. It's like if you had the most basic beer due at midnight and had to use ChatGPT to conjure up a brand. It looks like beer, it smells like beer, but at the same time could pass for the piss of someone who's eaten a lot of asparagus.

Now, despite tasting like watered-down asparagus piss, you know what you’re going to get when you drink an Export – mediocrity. For this reason this is probably the best beer for a high schooler to take to their first party. You don’t really want to drink beer but you still think Cruisers are too emasculating to be seen drinking – that, or you're too embarrassed to ask your dad to buy them for you.

The sensation of Export Gold is entirely underwhelming, like being coerced into having a flat beer with your middle-aged co-worker during your summer job or going to a pub-quiz and not being able to answer a single question. You’re taking part, you’re having a beer, but are you really there? The Export Gold is the neglected flatmate, the one that’s never really home but even if they are, you probably wouldn’t notice.

A 12 box of Export Gold will set you back $25 for 12 standards, which misses the now seemingly unattainable golden ratio of a dollar per standard drink, with its ratio coming in at $2.08 a standard. While this isn’t on par with its RTD equivalents, it's still pretty good for a beer. There’s a time and a place for Export Gold, and that’s only when it's the cheapest box of beer that you can find. If Export Gold is your favourite beer, you certainly need it.

PAIRS WELL WITH: All things beige

X factor: Gardening and talking about the weather

CHUGABILITY: 8/10

TASTE RATING: 5/10. Bare average

AQUARIUS

Get out of Dunedin. The city air is not agreeing with you as of late and stretching your legs in a place where everyone around you isn't a uni student can help alleviate the scary’s you feel all day, every day. Take a trip, even if it is just out to Milton.

Study Motivation: Impending doom of failing all your exams

Aries

With the moon entering your sign midweek, your motivation is finally starting to emerge from the depths where it’s been hiding. Use it to focus on your projects and impending assignments. Even though we both know you’ll wait until the day it's due, maybe cobble something together so you have a starting point.

Study Motivation: Your flatmates going to the library for once

Gemini

Woooooo, it's finally Gemini season! You cuties sure do know how to throw a big bash, so make sure to soak in all of the attention you can get. Be sure to make goals for yourself so that in a year you can look back and see how far you’ve come.

Study Motivation: Going out three times this week (must finish the essay before Wednesday)

Leo

Stop being so cliquey and start talking to people you normally would look down your nose at. Everyone has an interesting yarn to spin and this week you have got some great ones yourself. You are usually quite charismatic; use that to your advantage and make some new friends.

Study Motivation: You’re on academic probation

Libra

Start putting a bit of effort into those relationships you’ve been neglecting. You haven't opened a Snapchat in a week let alone spoken to a real person. Use this weekend to socialise and enjoy the company of someone other than your own hand.

Study Motivation: Nothing better to do

Sagittarius

While wearing a rain jacket to uni has been super practical, it doesn't fit the campus celebrity stereotype you’re aiming for. Even if people don’t know your name, they know your face. Strut your stuff between lectures and the library – there are paparazzi everywhere.

Study Motivation: Impress your sexy lecturer with your knowledge

Pisces

You are broke, hoe. Stop spending ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol and late night snacks on the way home. Or stay in for once in your life. Soon it will be the semester break and you can eat mummy and daddy out of house and home.

Study Motivation: The Rory Gilmore aesthetic

Taurus

The beginning of the week will bring many opportunities for fun and interesting side quests. Grab them by the balls and ride out the fun before the cold sets in and the seasonal depression makes you unable to leave the flat for two months.

Study Motivation: The reward of a trip to the vending machines

Cancer

You’re going to get a boost of energy to get your life together this week. Until now, everything has been crumbling down around you. You're a nervous wreck. Do what you gotta do to get the smile on your face again and your BO not radiating a metre in every direction.

Study Motivation: Your classmates have been studying for weeks

Virgo

Make sure to keep an eye on those closest to you, they’re the ones who know your cancellable moments and could lowkey ruin your year. Consider this when choosing who to make a speech at your birthday. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and start seeing the world for what it truly is: a floating rock.

Study Motivation: It’s warmer in Central than at the flat

Scorpio

You’re the personification of diamonds being made under pressure. Life has been dragging you down lately, but you’re a strong swimmer and have kept yourself afloat. This week, the tide is turning and your calendar is opening up. Use this time to relax for once in your life.

Study Motivation: Gotta make the loan worth it

Capricorn

Patch up the holes and dust the windowsills: it's flat inspection season and landlords can be absolute fucking pricks. YouTube is a good place to start, but if you need the big guns, get on Tinder and find a tradie who has a spare weekend to fix hinges and drywall in exchange for your company.

Study Motivation: Probably can’t fail another paper…

BONUS!

Every year Critic Te Ārohi surveys students about study, sex, drugs, flatting, money, politics, relationships, and more to find out about the lives and thoughts of Otago's student body. Scan the QR code to complete this year's census! And dont worry — it's 100% anonymous. Procrastinate some more. You know you want to.