HOROSCOPES

Aquarius Pisces

Do something cute for yourself this week. It’s time for some much needed self-care. Get a fancy coffee or a sweet treat. Buy yourself something you definitely don’t need. You deserve it!

Drink for the week: Dirty chai.

Taurus

It’s time to be honest with your feelings. How are you, deep down inside? What are your fears and insecurities? Are you really happy? It’s time to open up and connect with yourself in order to grow.

Drink for the week: $6 pint at Pint Night.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22

Life’s a bitch, and so are you!

Drink for the week: Orange juice (with pulp).

It’s hard being so emotional all the time. I bet you’re exhausted. Try to remember that it’s not actually that deep. You need to stop worrying and overthinking.

Drink for the week: Green tea with lemon.

Aries

While it’s important to brush off what some people think, it’s also important to realise that, at times, you can actually be really fucking cringe. One cannot diminish the importance of trying to strike a balance.

Drink for the week: Lime Cruisers.

Geminis sometimes come off as stupid, but really you can be quite the mastermind. Be careful when weaponizing your incompetence. People may catch on to your ways.

Drink for the week: Tequila shots.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22 LIBRA

What is up with Virgo men at the moment? Why you gotta be so critical? Do you need to keep gaslighting everyone? Engage in some self-reflection, for God’s sake.

Drink for the week: Emerson's Bookbinder for the wanker you are.

Now, I’m not saying she deserved it, but I’m saying God’s timing is always right.

Drink for the week: Tea.

23 –

22

Fuck you’re funny. You should pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

Drink for the week: Long black and a dart.

Scorpio, it’s time to do one of life’s greatest duties: change your bedsheets! Rotting in polyester never did anyone any good.

Drink for the week: Pocari Sweat.

You can always dish it out, but you can never take it. Stop getting so offended when people take the piss out of you. It’s just a joke, right?

Drink for the week: Instant coffee.

It’s time to get loosey goosey, baby. Relax those shoulders, put on a smile and crack open a cold one. Life is beautiful, and so is your smile.

Drink for the week: Mac’s apple cider.