Critic - 2024 Issue 25

2

Ōtepoti Cannabis Party “Shut Down” by Police 7

‘What I Was Wearing’ Exhibit Shatters Stigma & Empowers Survivors 8

Town & Gown Unite in Fight for Dunedin Hospital 9

OUSA Exec Election Results Are In 10

Landlords Sign Flats Under Current Tenants’ Noses 10

Selwyn Gastro “Miraculously” Cured 72 Hours Before Ball 11

Yes, Someone Did Take Their Cat to Central 12

Initiative Encourages Students to Look on the Brightside 13

Golf Breathas Raise $5k for Men’s Mental Health 13

Critic Trawls Through Exec’s Third Quarter Reports 14

CULTURE

The Official Dunner Lover Test 18

Everything I Know About (Platonic) Love 20

The Game of Love 22

Homo-geneous 26

Opinion: She’s Not Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl(friend), She Has ADHD 28

FEATURES

Break-ups: An Anthology 32

COLUMNS

Critic Bachelor 34

Local Produce 39

Debatable 41

Mi Goreng Graduate 42

Booze Reviews 43

Exec Column 44

Horoscopes 45

Snap of the Week 46

EDITORIAL: THANK U, NEXT

Ellie and I have both taken great inspiration from Dolly Alderton for the love issue. For those who don’t know, Dolly is an award-winning author best known (at least to us) for her memoir Everything I Know About Love, a book written so honestly about a young woman’s experience of love from teen to adulthood it felt like she’d been eavesdropping on my friends' conversations and added British slang. Dolly’s ultimate conclusion is: “Nearly everything I know about love, I've learnt in my long-term friendships with women.” I could write at length about how deeply I relate to this; one of my best friends visited recently, someone who I’d been joined at the hip with for our four years at uni, and having her back for a week briefly filled the hole in my chest left behind when she’d moved back to Auckland. Ellie’s covered her own experience of this beautifully in her opinion piece this week, so I’ll be focusing on romantic love.

I called myself a ‘serial monogamist’ in the opening line of an article last year where I reviewed Dunedin’s dating locations. At the time, I had been. Since the age of sixteen, I’d bounced from relationship to relationship (and a few situationships in between). There’s been a range, to say the least: from an un-PC Canadian Club drinker to devoted Hunter Centre studier; bong-ripping wannabe DJ to chickpea-loving homemade clothes wearing greenie.

Admittedly, there was a bit of a tendency to throw myself into them so completely that, in the process, I’d often lose myself. Break-ups meant clawing myself out of the rabbit hole, unravelling the aesthetic of theirs I’d wrapped around myself. You’ll be able to easily tell by looking at old photos what relationship I was in based on the version of me looking back. If I was throwing up gang signs with my tongue out (I still cringe looking at these) it was with the DJ. If adorned in an oversized buttondown with a string of shells around my neck, the greenie.

While rereading chapters of Everything I Know About Love in preparation for this issue there’s a particular quote that struck a chord: “You are the sum total of everything that has happened to you up until that last slurp of that cup of tea you just put down. How your parents hugged you, that thing your first boyfriend once said about your thighs – these are all bricks that have been laid from the soles of your feet up. Your eccentricities, foibles and fuck-ups are a butterfly effect of things you saw on telly, things teachers said to you and the way people have looked at you since the first moment you opened your eyes.”

It made me think. When you leave a relationship, pieces of the relationship remain with you (new

wardrobe included). I reflected on what I’ve taken from each relationship I’ve been in; the lessons learned, knowledge acquired, and scattered reminders. I have an odd affection for Australian country music and will sing along to Home Among the Gum Trees word for word. My favourite pictures have been taken on the 2011 digicam that I dug out of my childhood closet after loving using theirs. Mine’s pink and covered in stickers.

I know that the carpark of the Wellington Cake Tin is the best place for an e-scooter joyride. I think of him calling my eyes “classy” when I look in the mirror, something I had been insecure about. I know that Miga Hako has the best popcorn cauliflower Dunedin has to offer, and that vegans can’t eat fries from most fish and chip shops (cooked in beef oil). I can tell you what Studio Ghibli film to watch if you want to cry (Grave of the Fireflies) and what film will make me laugh despite myself (LEGO Batman).

I know that my compassion doesn’t need to be my pitfall, and understanding why someone is hurting you doesn’t justify it. I know that you can make memories just as special in a casual summer fling as a five month relationship, and that “casual” shouldn’t mean “disrespectful”. I know how to trust my gut and to recognise the red flags. That someone treating you “specially” while others see a different, less shiny version of them doesn’t mean only you see the “real them”. You’ll be left smacking yourself on the forehead for falling for it.

I channel one ex when I slip into a funk, doing my best to remember how he found the silver lining in everything. I channel another in my approach to locking in when there’s work to be done (sometimes to my own detriment). And I’ve learned not to be afraid to let your feelings be known; emotions are part of being human. It’s one of the best things about being human. Suppressing them is dumb, pointless, and selfish.

If you’d told me when I was a pimply 13-year-old watching Victorious (in secret, for fear of my older sister judging me) that I would one day be in a Real Job referencing Ariana Grande, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet, here we are. A decade and four relationships later. And at the risk of sounding completely cliché (probably failing miserably) I’d like to say this: thank you to my exes. Next.

NINA BROWN

Editor’s Response to Stride Letters:

There is no letter of the week this week. It felt wrong to rank them against one another given most are focused on two very important issues: anger over Daniel Stride’s letter to the editor and support for Otago Students for Justice in Palestine’s protest. In general, I would like to note that the letters to the editor section is an open space. It’s a very rare occasion that I will censor a letter. Critic Te Ārohi encourages discussion and debate; a well-functioning society relies on it. You should be free to criticise and hear all sides of a story.

It was with this policy in mind that I allowed Daniel Stride to write a letter to the editor, a man who resigned from the Exec in 2011 after groping a girl and ran for two Exec positions this year. Note that he’s not a convicted sex offender, as one letter accuses. He was offered police diversion for the incident.

As an OUSA entity, Critic Te Ārohi was restricted by the election policy that “no current OUSA staff member or Executive member may actively support or oppose an election candidate visually (by wearing or distributing campaign materials) or verbally (via statements, publications, public announcements) or by any other means, except if they are a candidate.” Meaning Critic could not express opposition. There was a hiccup on our part after OUSA Secretary Donna caught one of our staff members tucking away a campaign tapestry that hung within view of the office.

It’s also our job as journalists to report in a fair and balanced way, giving democratic participants – you, the students – the relevant information when the time comes for voting. What we could do, then, was include information in a news round-up of candidate forums about Stride’s history alongside the position he was running for. In 2011, he did in fact sexually assault a girl, and subsequently resigned from the Exec.

This isn’t the first time he’s tried to return to the Exec, nor the first time his past has been brought up by the media for doing so. In 2020, Daniel took the ODT to the Media Council for breach of privacy after they brought up the 2011 incident in an article about him vying for Clubs and Socs Rep in a by-election. The complaint wasn’t upheld, ruling that it was relevant to include reference to the incident given he was seeking office in an organisation he’s previously lost due to a vote of no confidence.

Daniel brought up similar complaints this time round, saying he’d hoped for the incident to be left in the past. Obviously Critic had no intention of doing so. Daniel expressed he was upset that he wasn’t given the courtesy heads up before an article referring to his past with OUSA was printed. Since we had'nt given him the right of reply for the article, I allowed for a letter to the editor to be sent from him. Students could then read it and make up their own minds about what kind of person was on the ballot.

I apologise to anyone who was upset by the letter. It was upsetting, I agree. The whole saga has been, and the question that all of us in OUSA have been asking ourselves has been, “How is there not a policy to have stopped this from happening? How is someone with a history of sexual misconduct directly related to OUSA allowed to be involved in any way, shape or form?”

So I am very glad that so many of you read the magazine before the elections, read about his history, and got angry. At the end of the day, that’s what Critic is here to do. Inform and encourage discussion, debate, critical thinking, and student engagement.

LETTERS

Editor’s response to letters regarding OSJP protest: More or less I think these letters speak for themselves, all of them raise very valid points. The point of protest is to be disruptive and spark discourse and that is exactly what OSJP’s protest has done. Critic’s news reporting (outside of goofier news) should be fair and balanced, and I apologise to those who feel that Critic didn’t properly seek the perspectives of students who support OSJP outside of group members. We always appreciate the feedback <3

Kia ora Critic,

Last week, Critic decided to cover student protests by recoiling in horror that people have strong emotions about ethnic cleansing.

To the VC and the attendants of his lecture on September 19, we’re sorry you were inconvenienced, but there is a genocide happening.

Student campuses across the world are exploding in protest. Young people are fighting for a world where the mass murder of Palestinians is not treated normally. But Critic is worried that people are not using their indoor voices. Don’t we expect students to fight against injustice?

We have a VC who is a seasoned veteran in the rough and tumble of politics—we think he can handle having his “patience tested.”

Is Critic aware that our university council has refrained from calling for a ceasefire and refuses to divulge what our equities portfolio is tied up in? This is shit to get angry about!

It is more than a “gripe”, we’re kind of worried about a genocide, and potentially World War 3.

Hey Critic, maybe start unpacking this issue for the benefit of your students. OUSA politicians, find your moral compass and figure out where you stand.

kia ora critic

the recent article reporting on OSJP’s protest during Grant’s speech didn’t sit right with my flatmates and i. despite the article being framed as neutral, i think it didn’t tap into the demographic of students who DO support OSJP’s actions - the key students mentioned besides OSJP and OUSA all said they stood with Palestine but not how the OSJP decided to protest. i want to provide the alternate perspective that i think OSJP did the right thing.

letters

And to students, if you aren’t sure of the scale of the ongoing genocide, please ask questions to your peers and lecturers, read the news, and find trusted online resources.

Regards,

Amasio & Naomi.

Kia ora Editor,

I was disappointed to see, as reported in the last issue of Critic Te Ārohi, the University using the tapu Te Tiriti as a bludgeon to detract from criticism regarding its non-stance on Palestine.

On the other hand, I applaud the students who do not pick and choose which instances of settlercolonialism they oppose.

So far, the University of Otago has refused to:

Disclose whether their investments are funding genocide

Speak out publicly against UniSaver for its active investments in Israeli weapons manufacturers

Commit to alternatives to technologies that operate Israeli state surveillance in Palestine

I also encourage those brave students to disregard the opinions of those whose gripes are “they were rude”. We are watching is a genocide, have some perspective. Change is never made by those who hand-wring from the sidelines and uphold a neutrality that serves those already in power.

Ngā mihi, Brandon Johnstone

what is the point of protest if it is not disruptive? if demonstrations are easily palatable and perfectly ‘respectable’, it can just as easily be ignored. a coworker of mine made a comment recently with similar sentiment against the ‘boycott Israel apartheid’ stickers that get put on products at supermarkets saying “i support Palestine but this is vandalism.” justice won’t be achieved if we stick to the status quo - nothing changes if nothing changes. large corporations and institutions don’t need our protection and empathy the same way the thousands of Palestinians being displaced and murdered do. the university takes pride in its position as being for decolonisation, but wants to remain apolitical on this topic. these stances are fundamentally in opposition considering

1. being for decolonisation is a political stance (especially with the current government wanting to limit Te Reo Māori wherever possible) and so being political shouldn’t be a deal breaker for the uni

2. being for decolonisation aligns with advocating for a free Palestine - it such a significant example of occupation

i am someone who hasn’t been able to actively protest due to time constraints and sensory issues but i wholeheartedly support doing whatever we can to get the university, and the country, to wake up to the injustice of ignoring a genocide. The University of Otago has a great history in being the first university in Aotearoaimagine if we continued the legacy as being the first to actively go against the occupation and genocide in Palestine.

this issue of the critic will come out on October 7th - a year since the genocide has begun, on the back of decades of horror for Palestinians, and it is only getting worse. i urge the university to listen to the voices of the student body and OSJP who are fighting for a free Palestine.

sincerly,

a student who wants everyone to know that the best time to do the right thing is now

Kia ora Critic,

I am not a member of OSJP, but I attended the Grant Robertson protest and wanted to respond to Critic’s coverage of it.

I want to note that, to my knowledge, OSJP has made extensive efforts to reach out to the University. They have written petitions, held marches and teach-ins and even met with the University to express their concerns. Yet the uni has been largely unresponsive. Direct action of the kind disparaged in your article is meant to

make you impossible to ignore when your voice is not being heard. I would completely reject the suggestion that this was an inappropriate time to take direct action on this issue - what better place to protest the University’s inaction on the issue of genocide than a talk by its vicechancellor, about peace?

In response to the suggestion that this kind of action could tank support for the movement: if something as simple as yelling during a speech can change your mind about ending a genocide then you didn’t care about stopping the genocide in the first place. Over 40,000 people have been killed in Gaza and Lebanon, neutrality is the same as choosing the side of the oppressor. The University has shown that it is unwilling to listen and unwilling to act. Direct, disruptive action is the only effective way to make them.

I also struggle to see how advocating for peace can be disrespectful to the peace trust or how advocating against settler colonialism can be disrespectful to Te Tiriti. Pretending to take the side of one oppressed group to undermine the cause of another is a classic move of white supremacy culture and it’s disappointing to see people engaging with it. Free Palestine!

Dear Critic,

This is a response to the “OSJP Interrupt Grant’s Peace Speech” article issued last week.

Fighting against complicity in genocide is not a gripe. OSJP is demanding that the university disclose and divest from Israeli bonds and make a direct stance on the genocide in Palestine. Universities, as the critics and consciences of society, have great power to influence the government to take a stand against Israel. But despite months of trying, the university has not listened to its students. In response, OSJP decided to speak directly to Grant Robertson about their concerns.

To “Connor”: anyone who loses support for Palestine over the protest actions taken were never with us to begin with. Pro-Palestine is not an identity - it is a promise of action. And if asking questions about peace in Palestine at a talk about peace is going too far, then clearly your anger at genocide is not where it should be. These conversations are difficult, they are confronting. But when it comes to genocide, difficult and confronting is what is needed. It is the place of students, OUSA, Grant Robertson, and the University to take a stand against genocide. Shirking responsibility onto Palestinian people isn’t honourable, it is cowardly. I am disappointed that the critic would focus on the issue of Grant’s Peace Speech being interrupted, rather than the real issue that is genocide.

Sincerely, Annabel

Hankin

Dear Mrs Critic,

Why are we still giving that creep Daniel a platform??

I get that you can't stop him from running for exec positions, but can you at least make it abundantly clear that the man is a CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER???

Sure, you could say it's "ancient history" (what a way to cop to being ancient as hell) but what about the victim of his crime? There should be a policy in place whereby if someone running for exec has been convicted of a crime, there should be a clear notice on the voting form to let voters know what that person has done.

"Free speech blah blah free country, support sex offenders, they have rights too blah blah," This

man should not be allowed to run or campaign full stop and certainly not be given a platform in your letters to critic section where he can try to defend his indefensible actions. Yeah, Daniel, it was 13 years ago, but you still did it and you wouldn't have to deal with the consequences if you weren't a creep.

Here's the thing, Daniel: Normal people don't sexually assault others and then complain when it gets brought up because potential voters have a right to know what you did. Get out of our uni.

Darling Mrs Critic, I don't want to keep reading his messed-up views over my Monday arvo hot choccy, so please keep him out of the letters section and Daniel, if you're reading this, go get a job and stay out of uni positions meant for 20-year-olds. If they gave you a vote of no confidence in 2011, why would that be different now?

Yours truly,

A person who believes sexual assault is always bad, no matter when it happened.

Dear Mrs Critic,

As a young, female, Otago student I find it alarming that Daniel Stride is defending his INDECENT ASSAULT of a female Otago student back in 2011. He felt vulnerable and as if he was in a dangerous situation? I imagine that's probably how the student he assaulted felt!!!

At the time this came to light, Daniel Stride said he hoped that James Meager, who broke the news of his criminal actions, would be struck and struck hard by karma? I cannot be the only one who finds this bizarre.

I believe any kind of sexual assault is a big deal, and not something to be swept under the rug because it is "ancient history". You simply cannot indecently assault someone and then be annoyed when people remember your actions and hold you accountable for them. I too have been in unsavoury situations, but unlike Daniel I have never used this as an excuse to sexually assault someone.

Daniel's entire letter to the critic felt like one long winded explanation of why he didn't want to take accountability for his past actions, and to me this is not a "happy ending". Personally, my hair will be turning white if Daniel Stride is elected.

A unanimous no confidence vote in 2011 is pretty telling, why would we give any confidence now?

Sincerely,

Someone with long brown hair who wants it to stay that way.

Hey Critic,

Students for Environmental Action (SEA) Ōtepoti has been victim to a scandalous crime. A picnic table has been stolen from our student garden on the corner of Forth and Dundas streets.

We are genuinely curious as to how the perpetrators managed to get this table through the gate. Was it a premeditated crime? Was there a trailer waiting outside? If not, we're impressed - that thing is heavy. But moreover, we want our table back. Please. It is much loved by our members, needed for hosting events at the garden, and debatably a historic artefact.

So if you have seen a conspicuous, rather beat-up yet still discernibly rainbow-painted picnic table appear somewhere within the past two weeks, please get in touch at seaotagouni@ gmail.com.

In hope,

The SEA exec

P.S. Come to our AGM on Tue 8th Oct!

Dear Ms Critic,

5

I have absolutely had it with how god-awful the UoO wifi is. Sitting in Central to enjoy the heating and quiet isn’t so peaceful when my laptop won’t stay on the wifi for more than two minutes at a time. If I have to see the no-internet dinosaur again I will be the meteor that kills it. Halls are filled with the sound of that little t-rex hopping cacti as no one has internet and there’s little you can do to fix it. My phone is no stranger to randomly being told ‘wrong wifi password’ when I haven’t tried to put the wifi password in since February, and having to use my mobile data to procrastinate and doomscroll instead of free wifi. What’s worse than losing wifi in the middle of a lecture or assignment crunch time is losing it in the middle of a show on a totally legitimate website - staring at a popup reading ‘Janice, 2km away’ waiting for my poor on-it’sdeathbed laptop to reconnect and pondering why I am lurking in central watching Below Deck at 11:30pm on a Friday. This isn’t Lincoln, I need my internet like Tinkerbell needs applause to live.

Sincerely,

Someone bloody sick of waiting for my wifi to reconnect xx

Dear Ms Critic,

What is with Dunedin and having issues with bins? Glass bins here on Little Leith haven’t been emptied in at least a month. We’ve called the council and they said they’d look into it - nothing. Everyone’s bins are full and there is glass everywhere. You would think that in the tertiary area they’d be more onto it than this!

Sincerely,

Someone who doesn’t want to step in glass

Dear critic,

I love that you have a recipe column! Many critic readers are just learning how to cook for themselves, and the recipes I've tried have been delicious, simple, and full of healthy ingredients.

However, I have been a vegetarian for quite a few years now, mostly because I think meat is not a sustainable food for the climate. This is fairly well known, so I don't think I need to justify it. Lots of people I know who aren't vegetarian want to eat more plant based food and know it's good for them and the planet. One of the major things that makes it hard to eat vegetarian when you haven't grown up on lentils, though, is not knowing how to get enough protein without animal products. I think Critic could address this by offering more or perhaps solely vegetarian meal options, or adaptations to make meals vegetarian. For example, in the Critic two weeks ago which had a spicy beef bowl recipe, an alternative could have been tofu fried in strips, or two cans of drained brown lentils to go with the stir fry bowl. Providing vegetarian options is more affordable for students and for our planet.

Sincerely,

Some New Zealand schools were renamed on Google maps by pranksters last week, with Masterton high school Rathkeale College changed to the Huak Tuah College of rizzcraft and sigmatry

Hopes for a Brat summer might have been answered after bratgreen billboards saying “laneway” popped up in NZ and Aussie ahead of Laneway Festival’s October 9 line-up announcement

The OUSA Annual General Meeting will be on Thursday, October 17th at noon in the Main Common Room. Mark it in your calendars!

OUSA Exec has passed a motion to sell the old OUSA Student Support building on Ethel Benjamin Place

The Spinoff has reported that the Govt’s “tough on crime” stance doesn’t line up with the data, revealing an increase in family violence – with older people and women bearing the brunt. The overall increase is linked to “the growing economic pressure faced by many New Zealanders”

'Seams n Seas' is a free SCOM301 science communication event to discuss the marine impacts of fast fashion to be held on the 15th of October, from 4-6pm in the main common room outside Union Hall

The new Botans playground is open!

A ‘Cosy Dell Creeper’, revealed by the ODT to be a 21-yearold Otago Uni student with temporary name suppression, has been sentenced to four months community detention and 150 hours community work in court last week for peeping, thieving underwear, and sneaking into flats

Otago Students for Justice in Palestine are hosting ‘Otago Students March for Palestine’ from the Otago Museum lawn on Wednesday, October 9th at 12pm

clubS

The Blues & Golds awarded Thursdays in Black as Society of the Year, the Indian Students’ Association as Cultural Society of the Year, and the Otago Uni Canoe Club as Sports Club of the Year

COVID RAT tests are no longer free as of last Tuesday. Chemist Warehouse advertises them online as now costing $16.99. Microbiologist Siouxsie Wiles called this “depressing”, pointing out testing will become less common and only among those who can afford it

A design made of cones and high-vis won the World of Wearable Art design contest in Wellington recently

Hip-hop mogul P Diddy is awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges by 120 accusers

6,531 people performed Ka Mate at Eden Park on Sunday, September 29, breaking the Guiness World Record for the largest haka

The Middle East is edging closer to a region-wide war. Last Wednesday, Iran launched 180 missiles into Israel overnight, the latest (as of writing) in a years-long conflict between the two countries

Foreign Minister Winston Peters pitched for NZ to join the UN Security Council for 2039 while speaking at the General Assembly in New York, after criticising permanent members’ abuse of their veto powers

Mexico’s first female president was sworn in last week, 62-year-old scientistturned-politician Claudia Sheinbaum

The University of Otago plans to have a permanent presence in Queenstown and Lakes District, with the Uni Council approving work to progress for an “ambitious” development project. It will build on previous work including rural medical training based out of Central Otago

Psst it’s the second to last issue of Critic for the year

Ōtepoti Cannabis Party “Shut Down” by Police

Cops won’t be making my dream blunt rotation

Eye witnesses have claimed that the Ōtepoti Cannabis Party were strong-armed into leaving the Link on Wednesday, September 25th, after conversations with the police. The Ōtepoti Cannabis Party had invited students with a flyer promising to “elevate [their] voting” and “toking experience.” Enter Critic Te Ārohi.

The Party aimed to meet every Wednesday from 3:30pm5:00pm in the Link (or simply “under walnut tree” in nice weather). However, following the incident with police, the party has not been spotted again. It seems students will sadly never know what the optimal “toking experience” looks like or be able to share their dream blunt rotation. Critic’s are Grant Robertson, Donna Jones, and that one dude at Night ‘n Day.

420-lover Jack* tipped off Critic Te Ārohi about what went down on September 25th – the Cannabis Party’s first and only meeting thus far. “Me and [my mate] were in the University, and we thought that it’d be cool to scope it out. So we walked past around 3:20, and [it appeared] one woman was holding the event,” he explained.

Allegedly, police rocked up shortly after Jack and his friend sat down to observe. Police then confronted the woman preparing to run the event. “I think the premise was that the University is a smoke and vape-free area. But I thought that she’s not smoking – she’s just putting her political beliefs out there,” said Jack. “The police were trying to say she could do it anywhere else, but should she not be able to do that at the Uni? Should she not be able to share her opinions? But nobody was there at 3:30 – she was out of there by 3:45. It was over before it started, is what I’m trying to say.”

By Hanna Varrs Staff Writer // news@critic.co.nz

According to Jack and his mate, the officer took a seat nearby to watch the woman running the event. “She came over to the police officer after he took a seat a bit of distance away and started to tell him that she was doing nothing wrong and that he had no reason to continue watching,” said the mate. Jack agreed, telling us that the officer was “very much implying [that she should move on].”

When approached for comment, the police denied that they had explicitly asked the individual to leave, stating, “We can confirm that an officer was patrolling on foot on campus grounds at that time, but no offences were detected, nor was anyone asked to leave.”

The University declined to comment on whether this incident violated the institution’s recently released statement on free speech. The statement guarantees “the right to advance ideas in the spirit of free and open inquiry […] [and] provides a space in which contrary and unpopular positions can be advanced free from political interference or suppression.”

When asked for comment on the situation, one student Molly told us that she thought the entire situation seemed “quite biased” against those who were pro-legalisation of marijuana and she felt “disappointed” by the University’s lack of response. “I wanna hear from the people that love weed, I wanna hear from the people that hate weed,” she said.

Keep an eye out this Wednesday to see if the 420 die-hards are brave enough to return.

*Names changed

‘What I Was Wearing’ Exhibit Shatters Stigma & Empowers

Survivors

On Thursdays, Critic wears black

Student-led sexual harm prevention society, Thursdays in Black, broke down some damaging stereotypes in their powerful ‘What I Was Wearing’ exhibit on Thursday, September 26th. From 10am to 5pm in Union Hall, visitors were invited to read the stories of survivors of sexual harm, displayed alongside the clothing they were wearing when the harm occurred.

Critic Te Ārohi had the privilege of attending and sharing in some kai and kōrero with the exhibition’s co-director Ella Sangster.

Exhibition stories were submitted anonymously from all over the Otago and wider Ōtepoti community, capturing the different dimensions of harm and dispelling the age-old myth that sexual violence can in any way be attributed to a person’s choice of outfit. Above all, Ella wanted visitors to understand that sexual harm can occur to anybody in our community, and that “clothing, location, and drug or alcohol use are not reasons to blame survivors – or for survivors to blame themselves.”

‘What I Was Wearing’ opened up important discussions on campus about sexual harm and student safety within a comfortable and supportive environment. The exhibit came complete with a cosy ‘chill out zone’, stocked with hot choccies, delicious kai, and even jigsaw puzzles.

If you’re not familiar with all the important mahi they do around campus, Thursdays in Black Otago engages with the student community through semi-regular events and social media outreach, raising awareness and advocating for a world free of sexual violence. A take on the iconic Mean Girls line “on Wednesdays we wear pink”, the movement’s namesake encourages wearing black on Thursdays to stand in solidarity with survivors.

By Jodie Evans Staff Writer // news@critic.co.nz

To bring an element of positivity to the exhibition, Thursdays in Black also invited survivors to share stories of healing and empowerment. Ella told Critic, “All too often in this space, we fixate on the sexual harm without showing that survivors can recover, grow, and thrive.”

“Sexual harm has devastating effects, but survivors do not need to be defined by that experience if they do not wish to be [...] no matter what you have experienced, you can still live a life full of love, support, and good experiences – sexual or otherwise,” Ella told us.

Reflecting on the day, Ella told us that thanks to the mahi of everyone involved, the exhibit was definitely a success: “One of our biggest goals was to do the stories justice and honour the survivors who entrusted us with their stories. I believe we achieved that.”

The exhibition came just after Thursdays in Black was awarded Society of the Year 2024 at the University's annual Blues and Golds Awards. The very same week, they celebrated five years at Otago, having become an OUSA-affiliated club back in 2019. You can find out more about their advocacy, and how to get involved at @thursdaysinblackotago on Instagram.

Te Whare Tāwharau- Sexual violence support and prevention centre Walk in Mon-Tues @10am-1pm and Wed-Fri @1pm-4pm in 5 Leithbank.

Safe To Talk; Sexual Harm Helpline 0800 044 334 or free text 4334

Town & Gown Unite in Fight for Dunedin Hospital

35,000 took to the streets in protest to new hospital cut-backs

35,000 Dunedinites marched from the Dental School to the Octagon on Saturday, September 28th in a protest to end all protests. The DCC campaign ‘They Save, We Pay’ promised to be a “rally cry” against critical cuts to the new Dunedin Hospital.

The protest came just a day after Health Minister Shane Reti and infrastructure Minister Chris Bishop announced that the scope of the new hospital would be dramatically reduced in one of two ways. Pissed off Dunedinites took to the streets in response.

The protest kicked off at noon, demanding that the government keep its promise of delivering the hospital in full. A noisy protest wove its way through George St. Med students could be spotted supporting the protest in their white practice scrubs alongside a hefty student army from every walk of life.

Protestors were greeted in the Octagon by a ‘Save Our Hospital’ song written by a group of councillors to get people’s spirits going. Speeches were then held before the masses. Many spoke to the positive spirits at the protest despite the inherently dire nature of the circumstances. OUSA Politics Rep Liam White commented to Critic Te Ārohi at the event that the day had been “bloody cool”. He found it comforting that “Dunedin wants to fight back [...] it’s great to see.”

Dunedinites were fighting back against government suggestions that the new hospital in its complete design would be too expensive to build, at a potential cost of $3 billion as opposed to the $1.88 billion which was budgeted towards it. The coalition government have now proposed two potential solutions for what

By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

will happen. They would either upgrade the existing hospital, or drastically scale down the in-patient section of the new one. Both options have since been criticised by medical experts as inadequate.

Speaking after the march, Dunedin Mayor Jules Radich told the crowd that “we’re here to send the government a clear message to keep their promise […] they’re looking to break their promise and that’s unacceptable.” Commenting further on the government’s announcement, the President of the New Zealand Nurses Organisation Anne Daniels told protesters, “What was missing from this week's announcement was he Tangata, he tangata, he tangata – the people, the people the people.”

University Vice Chancellor Grant Robertson has come out in opposition to the cuts, reflecting student and staff concerns in relation to the Medical School. Crucially, the new Dunedin hospital will serve as a training ground for med students who rely on effective facilities to be adequately trained. More importantly, who would we make jokes about if our capacity to take med students was limited?

Shane Reti has since responded to the protest confirming that the government is, at this stage, not changing tact. Both students and Dunedinites have responded in voice against these suggestions. The anger of the 35,000 strong was summarised by Clutha mayor Bryan Cadogan when he asked, “Why are we here? Because we’ve been bloody lied to.” Nuf said.

OUSA Exec Election Results Are In

And the results were to be expected

Democracy has triumphed after a gruelling OUSA Exec election period which saw many candidates lose and many candidates win. Voting closed at 4pm last Thursday. To the usual crowd of current OUSA Exec, nominees, and a handful of Critic staff, returning officer Abby Bowmar read out the results – provisional ones, since there were two unspecified complaints that needed addressing.

Chief amongst the winners was 2025 Mr President Liam White. The current Political Rep beat Mr No Confidence by 1,337 votes to 170. Liam expressed relief that his “presumptive” presidential spiel he’d submitted to Critic Te Ārohi (see: page 44) prior to the release of the results didn’t have to be embarrassingly redacted.

Moments after the results were announced Liam said that he was “gassed”. “I’m so excited,” he gushed. “I feel like I crushed Mr No Confidence.” Despite running uncontested, Liam said, “I don’t want anyone to think I’m not going to take it seriously […] watch this space and see what 2025 has in store.”

Liam’s second in charge will be Amy Martin as Admin Vice President, edging ahead of Jett with 53% of the votes. She’ll be replacing Emily Williams, who’s noticeably increased student engagement with the Exec through ventures like Instagram news bulletin, the Exec Times (something Critic is still salty about).

Finance and Strategy Officer (since August) Daniel admitted he’d woken up with anxiety on Thursday morning – and not just from the previous night’s Pint Night beers. The most publicity he’d had during the election was a Critic article about falling for a scam that lost him $1k. But students didn’t seem to mind, as he racked up a whopping 1,368 votes.

Current Academic Rep Stella Lynch will continue in her role next year. Stella campaigned on experience over competitor Tesoro Levy – and it worked. Stella won a landslide 69% (heh) of the votes. Ibuki Nishida will also be continuing in the same role as International Students Rep.

By Hugh Askerud & Nina Brown News Editor & Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Amy Whyman had a similar smooth sail into her role of Welfare and Equity Rep, running uncontested and winning 100% of the vote count. She’ll be taking over from Tara Shepherd and brings two year’s experience of looking after students from her time as a subwarden at Caroline Freeman College.

The most highly contested position in the election was Postgrad Rep. With four candidates running – Joel Tebbs, Josh Stewart, Will Biss, and Daniel Stride – it called for three rounds of voting. Controversial candidate Daniel was the first to be knocked out. Then “Bush Bill” Will, who’d made clear he wouldn’t have taken the role anyway. There were ten votes separating Josh’s win over Joel – perhaps a sore spot after losing the Finance and Strategy Officer by-election by five votes to Daniel in August.

New-comer’s Jett Groshinski (Politics Rep) and Callum Hadlow (Residential Rep) also spoke to Critic Te Ārohi about their successes. Jett told Critic that he is “just looking forward to working with everybody on the Exec next year.” Cute. Callum said that he was “pretty stoked”. “I was not too sure coming into this, didn’t really know what to expect. I’m looking forward to working with everyone and enjoying a nice warm office as well […] should be pretty cool.” Enjoyment of well-warmed buildings? He’s the right man for the job.

If ya didn’t get all of that, your 2025 OUSA Exec are as follows: President - Liam White, Administrative Vice President - Amy Martin, Finance and Strategy Officer - Daniel Leamy, Academic Representative - Stella Lynch, Welfare and Equity Representative - Amy Whyman, Postgrad Representative - Josh Stewart, International Students Representative - Ibuki Nishida, Clubs’n’Socs Representative - Deborah Huang, Political RepresentativeJett Groshinski, Residential Representative - Callum Hadlow. Congratulations to all of the (provisionally) successful candidates.

Landlords Sign Flats Under Current Tenants’ Noses

By Monica Holopainen Contributor // news@critic.co.nz

Selwyn Gastro “Miraculously” Cured 72 Hours Before Ball Student Health needs to look into this

By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

Yes, Someone Did Take Their Cat to Central

Meet

Serafina, the

latest campus diva

Three million views and 700,000 likes later, Serafina the cat has achieved stardom after rocking up to Central Library (if only it were that easy). A TikTok of the cat hiding in a handbag in Central Library was posted online, and has blown up with numbers that Dunedin’s microinfluencer community could only dream of. Critic Te Ārohi caught up with Serafina’s cat-mum, a neuroscience PhD student, to talk it over.

Serafina is an eight-month old kitten whose name is a reference to the cat featured in 2004 banger Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper. She (her owner) explained to Critic that the “very curious” cat was bought on TradeMe just over a month ago. With a slightly dubious seller, there had initially been concerns Serafina was in fact a scam, as she was coming down from Auckland to begin her Ōtepoti era.

As evidenced by her travels around North-D, the ScottishStraight-breed began to bless Dunedin with her huge eyes and playful nature. Beginning her life as a strictly indoors cat (don’t worry, their flat has another cat for her to be friends with), a desire to train Serafina for outdoor life eventually led to the iconic TikTok.

Serafina’s owner explained that Scottish Straights are not great outdoor cats, saying, “She’ll lose fights, and I don’t want her to get stolen.” Critic concurs, with the shut bedroom door being the only thing stopping the theft of a future office pet. But due to her constant state of zoomies, and thus hypothesised boredom, it was decided to introduce Serafina to the sights of Studentville.

Serafina’s first trip outdoors was in a carrier to the vet – with a Botans side quest, meeting dogs and ducks. They went on a much more ambitious trip the next day. “I put her on the carrier and just walked around and then I took her out,” she said. “And then I went to visit my flatmate in the library.”

By Gryffin Powell News Reporter // news@critic.co.nz

If you’re wondering where the carrier is in the TikTok, it was explained that Serafina prefers tight spaces, taking a liking to her owner’s handbag over the carrier. The royal treatment. And there, contentedly snuggled in her handbag, was when Serafina’s catmum filmed a video of the obviously hilarious situation. Originally posted to her Instagram story, a flood of replies encouraged her to post it on TikTok.

Serafina’s owner said that her mates have recognised the TikTok, but (perhaps luckily) her relative anonymity in the video has relieved her of being the next campus celebrity. It could likely be a different story should Serafina return for a study sesh. When Critic asked if she had gotten caught or was concerned, she replied, after a nervous laugh, “No, the visit went fine. Next time I’d probably get caught.”

Out of curiosity, Critic Te Ārohi hit up the Uni about the rules of bringing pets to campus. A University of Otago spokesperson referred Critic to its animals on campus policy. The policy specifically states, “No animals are allowed in buildings (other than in certain circumstances which are specified in the policy). Permission is not required to bring an animal on to the Campus (i.e. outdoors) as per 8.2, but we do require such animals to be kept under proper control as per 8.3”. In short, no animals allowed. Critic isn’t a snitch though, so we left our questioning at that.

With the development that Princess Serafina may be a campus criminal, Critic cornered her under a desk to discuss potential consequences of the crime for her influencer career. Serafina refused to comment.

Until her stardom blows over, Serafina may have to stick to her other social media endeavours. Her matching outfits with her human-counterpart have proved to be popular, so don’t expect her to disappear from your screens any time soon.

Initiative Encourages Students to Look on the Brightside

Research suggests just 20% of suffering students seek treatment

An Otago-based research initiative called Brightside Aotearoa is looking to improve access to mental health resources for uni students across the motu. With the research confirming that, yes, Gen Z is pretty glum, they’re hoping to turn that frown upside down.

Headed by Dr Charlene Rapsey, a Senior Lecturer in the Department of Psychological Medicine, Brightside was born after her team undertook a research survey on students’ mental health. They were concerned to find a large gap between students suffering from serious “mental disorders” such as depression and anxiety and those actively receiving treatment. Additionally, the “Uni Years” (namely 16-24) are peak for the onset of such disorders, resulting in what Charlene calls “a really risky age group.” Almost 30% of students will experience significant mental health challenges during their studies, but only 1 in 5 of those in this group will reach out for treatment. Charlene hopes that by being a part of the Brightside research, students can help address this crisis: “If they take part, that will help other people like them in the future to get access to these treatment programs.”

On a mission to “reduce the gap between people who needed treatment and the people who got treatment” Brightside was formed. Treatments are based around online modules; either as a group, solo with a coach, or completing the modules solo. Evidence suggests that such online treatments are just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy, and they are much more accessible to students. “Everyone has a laptop,” says Charlene.

By completing these treatments, Charlene says students can “reduce their symptoms of depression and anxiety down to a

By Madeline O’Leary Contributor // news@critic.co.nz

level, which means we wouldn't consider them to be interfering with their day-to-day life.” The treatments are free, can be completed anonymously, and students can opt out at any time if they wish.

Brightside is using the results of the allocated resources to develop what they call “precision treatment” for future students in a similar position. Charlene stressed the importance of this, citing the science: “Long term, mental disorders have more of an impact on your life than chronic smoking […] Having chronic depression takes about ten years off your life. It's a bit bleak, isn't it?” She says Brightside offers students an opportunity to “invest in their mental health” and that “making some changes now can have some really positive long-term benefits.”

When asked about the main challenge Brightside is facing, Charlene mentioned raising awareness around the research and how effective the available resources are. “I think awareness and people knowing it's an option, and knowing it's a really good option. It isn't just an option for less serious issues, it's [not] inferior to face-to-face treatment, because all the research suggests that it really is very effective.”

Brightside is available for all uni students across New Zealand to take part in, but the research project is interested specifically in students with high levels of anxiety and depression symptoms. “People who are feeling sad, having trouble concentrating, worrying every day, feeling that they're not a good person, not sleeping. Those are the sorts of symptoms [we’re looking for].” Time to knock on your hermit flatmate’s door with a brochure or send them a link to Brightside’s socials.

Golf Breathas Raise $5k for Men’s Mental Health

Wagging class for a good cause

Six breathas have done some good in the world, raising $5,200 for charity by playing golf. The boys played 72 holes in one day (four full rounds of golf) for ‘Lads Without Labels’, a not-for-profit charity group aimed at improving the state of men’s mental health in New Zealand. Not a bad effort from the boys of Death Star.

The golf bros came together in a Management 252 paper where they were tasked to come up with a social action project for an assignment. One of the boys, Tommy, told the ODT before they undertook the mish that since a couple of them already play golf they decided that it would be best to "mix in a bit of fun with our work." Conveniently also a great way to get out of a few mandatory tutorials.

At the time of writing, just 48 donors made up the $5,202 of funds that the boys had raised. Two individual donors even scraped up $500 each to add to the cause. Josh told Critic Te Ārohi that donations started with friends and family but publicity from the ODT article meant that "random people started donating, which was nice.” That last push was what tipped them over their ambitious $5k goal.

By Jonathan McCabe Contributor // news@critic.co.nz

Speaking to the initiative, the boys’ mission statement aimed to "break the stigma and equip students, especially men, to prioritize their wellbeing." The idea of doing 72 holes in a day was based off of The Longest Day challenge, which raises money for The Cancer Society.

Though the original "golf marathon" typically takes place during the heat of the summer, these frothers just couldn't wait till December to support a charity that felt close to home. "Our experiences growing up in boys' schools, where these conversations were often absent, reflect the same gap in support systems that Lads Without Labels aims to address," said Tommy.

Lads Without Labels was launched in 2020 by a group of students in Christchurch. Improving the state of men's mental health is the goal "as males are often ill-equipped to take the first step in supporting their wellbeing," according to their website. They do this through supporting a series of events and initiatives.

To take a look at their mega swings, the boys documented their big day out on their Instagram account @birdiesfortheblokes. To donate to their Givealittle, you can find their page "Swinging for Support".

Critic Trawls Through Exec’s Third Quarter Reports

Written through bleeding eyes

Think the OUSA Exec is boring? By the time you read their quarterly reports you’ll probably be thinking, “Yep, it is.” Thankfully, you don’t have to! Instead, read these summaries for all you need to know about the great political machine that keeps the uni experience ticking over. Who knows, you may even find yourself

Stella Lynch – Academic Rep

Email response time: 6 minutes

Thing to focus on: Student reps

By Hugh Askerud News Editor // news@critic.co.nz

The SparkNotes is that, unlike the drama of the second quarterly reports where one member ghosted and another’s honorarium (pay) was suspended, every report was handed in this time and up to scratch! “This has been the easiest round of quarterly reports ever,” said Admin Vice Prez Emily at the Exec meeting held to discuss their reports (fist pumps).

Stella’s quarter has basically been getting the lecture recording policy to full fruition. Boldy aiming for 6,000 student responses, Stella and gang still managed to get a whopping 2,000 responses to her survey in combination with 11,000 other interactions from students on the subject. On top of this, Stella has juggled the responsibilities of being on 17 different boards, committees, groups, or flocks, as well as having the responsibilities of OUSA President for 56 hours while people were away, which is pretty gas. She actively lobbied for more student representation on these committees, usually populated by university big wigs. In addition to all this, Stella has been compiling statistics on the fail rates of different papers across the board (she now knows you failed BSN114 bro). Her two other chief goals, including making a ‘one-stop-shop’ for all course cuts, and wider inclusion of student reps (the backbone of the student economy), have gone on the back-burner this quarter. Get onto it Stella!

Liam White – Political Rep

Email response time: 80 minutes

Thing to focus on: Protests

As usual, Liam’s been on the submission writing grind – so much so that he thinks “Chris Luxon is running scared from my powers of public submission.” His chief goals with the submissions have been: first, to limit them to five pages; second, to address the controversial bills that the Coalition Government are proposing. He’s had his plate full with those, commenting, “I don’t know where this quarter went, aye.” Real. On the home turf, Liam plans to ask the DCC about getting more bins in Studentville (subtly influencing the economic factors at play in the recent Studentville bin wars). Never content, Liam has also focused on the Exec’s wide efforts to “buff up” student engagement leading up to the elections. Smells like election tampering from a political candidate. In terms of futurethinking goals, Liam suggests that he has done a lot without actually doing a lot and comments on the “sheer magnitude of work to be done.” He has made a few promises: 1. Protest the Uni raising student fees, 2. Reveal just how poor housing is in Studentville, 3. Lead a campaign to extend winter energy payment to students, 4. Organise climate action with other groups. Get it done, Liam!

Emma Jackson – Clubs & Socs Rep

Email response time: 15 minutes

Thing to focus on: How to: Club exec roles

It’s been pretty steady going for Emma this semester. It’s AGM season in Clubsland and Emma has begun attending those while limiting her collaborations with other clubs during the semester. She has also chaired six Grants Panel meetings and sends out reminders so clubs can apply for the moolah sitting around for them ($60,000). Outside of clubs, Emma has been an extremely active member of the Exec, and has been a regular attendee at all the public showings. In terms of goals, Emma has managed to successfully run a series of stand-alone workshops in association with various people. However, she has been unable to improve the functioning of clubs on a micro level, having had little interest in her ‘how to be an exec member on a club’ project which she hoped to push. And while her role in public engagement has effectively promoted clubs to the wider student body, it remains to be seen as to whether this will improve the health of the clubs. She looks geared to get stuck in for the fourth quarter. Critic advises that in her next report, she give it a proofread before misspelling Daniel’s name again.

Daniel Leamy – Finance & Strategy Officer

Email response time: 32 minutes

Thing to focus on: Making finance cool

OUSA’s freshly minted Finance & Strategy Officer has “hit the ground running” according to Liam, getting stuck into the job right away and getting his mitts on all the OUSA finances. Keegan has slowly ushered him into the role, chairing the big ol’ finance committee meeting while they were sussing the budget, but Daniel is now firmly in the driver's seat. He has regular meetings with OUSA CEO Debbie and has been signed off by the bank as the go-to man. Daniel plans to send regular budget updates in his remaining time so the Exec are in a better position to create change. Daniel wants to build a strong campaign around the standard of student housing, find out how the student body can be more involved with OUSA, and make the finance committee (ominously titled FESC) less janky.

Emily Williams – Admin VP 3 minutes

Tackling the OUSA mafia

Emily has been doing lots of stuff relating to the internal policy of OUSA. To this degree, all of the stuff she does can’t be revealed to the public…end of report. No, only joking. Emily has had her work cut out for her this semester, running the 2025 Exec elections campaign, and organising and facilitating candidate forums. She was a woman with a plan to combat the now-predictable poor turnout to these, live streaming each to the Exec Instagram (@ousaexec) for students’ viewing pleasure. This election stuff is all part of her larger goal to improve engagement with the wider student body, and while the steps have been much smaller than last quarter, they have still been steps in the right direction. She is busy getting absolutely psyched for the OUSA AGM which is on the 17th of October. Emily is making the OUSA train run as smoothly as possible, with the rest of the Exec agreeing that she’s the glue that holds

Ibuki Nishida – International Rep

Email response time: 11 minutes

Thing to focus on: Welcoming people

Buki has had an active quarter. The one man machine carried the brunt of the lecture recording policy mahi while co-campaigner Stella had a hospital stint (not that she stopped replying to emails). “I love Buki,” said Stella. Comments from other Exec members remarked at how he switched immediately from this to spearheading the organisation of a large-scale international culture expo. In the same quarter, Buki has also found the time to create a radio show speaking to the experiences of international students. Buki has had such a busy semester that he may have got his wires crossed and claims that they got “over 5,500 student responses and 12,000 interactions” on the lecture recording policy, despite Stella saying it was only 2,000. Maybe 3,500 people have been in Buki’s DMs. Sadly, Ibuki’s ‘welcome’ events for international peeps fell by the wayside a bit (perhaps understandably) so Buki will need to get those sussed out this quarter.

Hanna Friedlander – Postgrad Rep

Email response time: 56 minutes

Thing to focus on: Longevity

Hanna has been finetuning the Otago Postgrad Society this quarter, ensuring it gets the royal treatment it deserves. This has included running regular ‘imposter hour’ sessions and board games nights, which have had “pretty good” turnout. The Postgrad Open Day on September 19th was crucial in pushing these initiatives forward, ensuring they will have the longevity which Hanna so desires. At the meeting, Hanna seemed a bit disappointed over how the open day went, but didn’t elaborate after a glance in Critic’s direction. Hmm. Hanna’s chief goal for the following quarter is to not let the gains she has made be lost in handover and perhaps host some more Postgrad Society meetings, which there’s been less of en masse by the looks of things.

Keegan Wells – President

Email response time: 14 minutes

Thing to focus on: Purpose

Keegan has been well and truly schmoozing this semester, flying the neon green OUSA colours at “a LOT of events.” Whilst on the schmooze she has met frequently with new VC GRob (cheekily admitting to having his personal number) and maintains a cordial working relationship with all the big wigs on campus, often seen greeting them by name and asking after their dogs’ health. On the OUSA front, she has been tirelessly sorting out the budget and has been key in establishing a president's council for student action across the motu as a replacement for the now-defunct NZ Uni Students’ Association. One of her key goals of helping international students was sadly thwarted after it was announced that the international student visa cost will be increasing. Another major goal of establishing a student bar, one shared by the Exec and wider student body, is still ticking over (we assume). Summarising her quarter, Keegan said, “I feel like I have done a whole lot but also a whole little this quarter,” hinting that something might be in the works for the next quarter. With not long to go before Keegan pulls an Irish exit, Critic is strapping ourselves in for some hijinks and tomfoolery from the outgoing esteemed Madam President.

Tara Shepard – Welfare & Equity Rep

Email response time: Crickets

Thing to focus on: Wedding planning

Tara has had a very impactful quarter, pretty much ticking off all of the goals she had set for herself. This has included: contributing to the lecture recordings campaign; running a campus wide “look after your mates” campaign; reviewing mental health support at Otago Uni in conjunction with Student Health and Student Support; working on a Disability Action Plan for a more accessible learning environment (“complete, great success *Borat voice*”); and working in partnership with minority groups to “uphold their mana and pressing issues”. All the while she’s lobbied for dental dams at Student Health, pay equity for note takers, and advocated for the continuation of welfare-enhancing clubs such as Thursdays in Black. Safe to say, Tara has been a key player on the Exec. She rounded off her report by saying, “I have felt this has been one of my most impactful quarters. I am really proud of the work I’ve done and the connections I helped build for OUSA.” Keep up the mahi, Tara, and a special congratulations from Critic Te Ārohi for news of her

Telekalafi Likiliki – Pacific Island Associations’ President

Email response time: Crickets

Thing to focus on: Long-term planning

Tele has had a strong quarter advocating for Pasifika students at the Uni. She held a kava session during Tongan Language week, which was a huge success, and advocated to get extra funds for Pacific Week to the benefit of University of Otago Pacific Island Students’ Association’s (UOPISA) thirteen member associations. She has also taken a greater role in the running of the wider Exec, assisting in elections and other Exec activities. In terms of her goals, she is well on track with finding an office space for UOPISA, which will hopefully allow for a stronger UOPISA for many years to come. Additionally, she has applied for an equity fund in order that UOPISA’s thirteen member associations may have a bit more support in future. In short, she has been laying the groundwork for a stronger UOPISA to advocate for Pacific students' interests at the Uni.

Gemella Reynolds-Hatem – Te Rōpū Māori Tumuaki

Crickets

Renovating the whare

Rejoice, Gemella handed in her report only slightly late this quarter! We’ll let her off the hook, though. The girl works hard, splitting her time between her Masters, Te Rito, OUSA Exec, and working over thirty hours a week on top of that. As for her Exec duties, Gemella’s kept up the good mahi. She’s committed to supporting and promoting the education and well-being of tauira Māori at the Uni, “ensuring a safe environment where they can thrive.” To do so, Gemella emphasises the importance of providing a kainga rua (second home) for tauira in the TRM whare, “creating a space where they can express their identity as Māori without reservation.” TRM have hosted weekly kaupapa (programs) for their tauira at the whare including sports, te reo lessons, and study sessions. At a national level, they’ve attended multiple hui kaiarahi: one in Pōneke for presidents and vice presidents of Māori student organisations across the motu, one in Ōtepoti, Huinga Tauira in Auckland, and with one to go in Waikato.

PUZZLES PUZZLES

WORDFIND PUZZLES PUZZLES

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

There are 10 differences between the two images

HOSPITAL

AROHA

NEIGHBOUR

GOLF

GRADUATION

CAMPUS CAT

QUARTERLY REPORT

LOVER

RELATIONSHIP

HEARTBREAK

BACHELOR FINALE

EMERSON'S

BREWER BATTLE

PLATONIC

ROSE PETAL

SHAKESPEARE

PRIDE MARCH

FLOWCHART

FELINE

Illustrated by Ryan Dombroski

Dunner Lover Test The Official

In the pursuit of a crush or during a courtship, have you ever…

By Nina Brown

Your score: Less than 20

Hermit

Your score: 20-29

Serial Swiper

Your score: 30-39

Property Manager

Your score: 40-49

Hopeless Crusher

Your score: 50-59

Old School Romancer

Your score: More than 60 Michael Hill Regular

By Ellie Bennett

Illustrated by Aria Tomlinson

I came to university thinking I’d find The One. I was obsessed with the idea that I’d lock eyes with someone across the lecture theatre and be swept into this great, all-consuming romance; that I’d leave here after three years with not only a degree, but a soulmate. That’s what uni would give me, I thought: the cinematic love story we’re all taught to crave. But a few years later I realise that the real love story of my time here has nothing to do with grand gestures or a room filled with roses, but everything to do with friendship.

There’s something uniquely intimate about friendship at uni. It’s inevitable, really, given that we all live in such close proximity to each other. We learn just about everything about one another, like how our childhood soft toys all had the same name (shoutout to all the Sparkles out there) or what day is hair wash day. Your friends become your everything. They’re your therapists, your hype squad, your emergency contacts. They’re part of your everyday life, woven in much more intricately than we may even realise. They’re there when you wake up and when you go to bed. They’re across the dinner table from you each night, and they’re next to you in the library, both of you pretending to get work done but actually just sending each other TikToks. They’re front and centre for every breakdown, every triumph, and every ‘what-am-I-doing-with-my-life’ crisis.

It’s a kind of closeness that comes naturally in this environment. We don’t just hang out; we live together, study together, and even go to the bathroom together (I don’t think I’ve ever not shared a stall with someone on a night out). There’s an inseparability that comes with this, and we end up knowing every tiny detail about each other. There’s no room for pretence here. Everything is out in the open, raw and unfiltered, and that’s where the real bond forms.

And here’s the thing: this kind of love doesn’t require grand declarations or sweeping gestures. It’s a love that slips in quietly while you’re busy just living your life. It’s found in the little moments, the ordinary ones that might go unnoticed by anyone else. It’s in the birthday cards and handwritten notes, in turning the washing machine on for someone when they’re not home. It’s never cooking with onions because your flatmate hates them. It’s standing on the side of the road while the four of you try to change a tire, only to call the AA and conclude that your dads would not be proud of you in this moment. This is the kind of love that makes you feel seen and understood, where your friends point out your successes when you can’t see them yourself and shine a light on all the good parts of you.

Friendship has taught me that love can be consistent, solid, and steady; that I don’t need to be anything but myself. That’s why there’s romance in simply being present, in showing up day after day. This kind of love is knowing what it’s like to be part of an ‘us’, to love someone and accept that there are some things you can’t change about them (no matter how many times you ask them to take the bins out).

Our relationships with our friends at uni involve sharing just about everything, hearing the same story for the thousandth time at a flat party and singing along to the same songs in the car. It’s not flashy; it’s reassuring –something you could almost forget is there.

It’s not just your flatmates or the friends you’ve known since halls. It’s also the people you accidentally meet along the way. The girl who you see four times a week in class and become codependent with, or the person from your tutorial you end up grabbing $4 lunch with – or else go halves on a Campus Shop pie – and then become inseparable. Or that guy you end up bonding with in the Pint Night line after discovering your shared love of vodka lemonades (you promise to buy him one once you’re inside). Uni gives you this bizarre but beautiful ability to make friends everywhere, even when you’re not trying.

As I enter the final weeks of my final semester of my final year at university, there’s a bittersweet awareness creeping in. These friendships – the ones where we’re just a room away from each other and everything feels so accessible – won’t always be like this. Soon we’ll graduate, scatter all over the place, and become busy being Real Adults. Life will get in the way. We’ll still love each other, of course, but it’ll be harder. There’ll be no more spontaneous nights out or cramming sessions in the library. We’ll miss the ease, proximity, and nights spent trekking to Rob Roy’s for the third time that week for a sweet treat because “we deserve it”.

Friendship post-uni will mean calendars, catch-ups, and brunches that take months to lock in. It’ll mean checking time zones before you send a text rather than simply walking across the hallway for a chat. It’s hard to imagine a time when we won’t be able to just sit on the floor of each other’s rooms, rambling about whatever’s on our minds. But it’s inevitable.

And because this is my article and I’m allowed to be sappy, I want to say to the friends I’ve made: you are the most special people, and I cannot express how grateful I am for you. To Emma, thank you for being the first friend I ever made at uni; I know you’ll be there until the end. And thanks for letting me cry over a boy for far too long without judgement – you fixed a heart you didn’t break. Amy, thank you for your unwavering faith in my crazy dreams (lawyer, author, astronaut but also the things my degree actually covers). I believe in me because you believe in me.

Ophelia, thank you for the bouts of hysterical laughter when exam season starts getting to us, and for always being there at the end of a long day – seeing you is knowing I’m home. And to Rebecca, for every step of this wonderful journey. The DMCs and car karaoke. The beach trips and delirious study grind. Thank you for holding my hand through it all; I promise to always hold your hair back after BYOs. I feel understood by you all, cared for by you, loved by you, and I love you in return. You are funny, intelligent, kind, and thoughtful. You are the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

So, even though thinking about the end makes me want to cry, I’m making the most of it. When I look back at my time at uni, it won’t be the lectures or the assignments I remember most; it’ll be the people. The friendships that turned out to be the defining love story of these years. The ones that made everything else worth it.

Relationships are a fickle thing. One person’s situationship is another’s forever love. But despair not! With this simple game, Critic Te Ārohi can tell you whether it’s true love or if you should cut and run.

By Monty O’Rielly

Illustrated by Mikey Clayton

Author's note: This story was inspired by actual examples from the queer dating scene in Ōtepoti Dunedin, though taken from the sapphic dating scene (as it’s what I am most familiar with). Every relationship scenario described actually happened to someone, though (luckily) not all to one person.

I don’t even let Georgie get a word out.

“It happened again.” They blink, trying to catch up with what I said.

“What happened again?”

“It. It happened again.”

Georgie sighs, “You really have to be more clear.”

“She had been fucking Clare the whole time.” My voice fills with a specific, petty vitriol.

“Who had? Aroha?” Georgie’s brow furrows as they begin to put the pieces together.

I breathe in deeply, processing what I just learnt. “Yes. Apparently, basically, the entire time we were having sex, she was also having sex with Clare and didn’t tell me.”

“Fuck, dude. I’m sorry.” Georgie's face fills with genuine sympathy.

“She was meant to be my rebound from Clare!” I whinge.

“Now, I don’t mean to be a prick in your time of need, but you two were just sleeping together, right?”

“Mhmmm…”

“So she could technically sleep with whoever she wanted, right?”

“Mhmmmmmmm…”

“Does she know you had sex with me after you and Clare split up?”

“Well…no.”

Georgie rolls their eyes.

“And didn’t you meet Aroha through Clare?”

“Yeah…” I admit.

Georgie sighs, “I get it, dude, I really do. But I don’t think you quite have the right to be this upset.”

“No! The issue isn’t that she slept with someone else. It’s fucking – look, she can do what she wants. But it’s the principle of the matter! She was having sex with my ex, as my rebound!” My head falls down onto the table, into my arms.

I know I sound ridiculous, I know I do. I can hear every Instagram slideshow about ‘communicating boundaries’ and ‘free-love’ raging in my head, but they get overridden by my internal fiveyear-old self screaming “Mine! Mine! Mine!” I’m not even sure I want to date Aroha. She’s lovely, but the actuality of dating her feels so far removed from the point.

The exhausting fact is: I have been here before. Georgie has been here before. Two years ago I was dating a girl named Alice when I spotted someone else in a tutorial. She had a shaved head and a carabiner hung from patched cargo pants. I was drawn like a dumb lesbian moth to a flame. The semester was drawing to a close by the time I dragged up the courage to approach her.

“Hi, sorry, I just wanted to say you look really cool.” She did look really cool, leaning against the wall like James Dean, waiting for the tutorial door to open.

“Hey, thanks. I’m Alice.” She stuck her hand out for me to shake.

“That’s my girlfriend's name!”

She laughed, “Don’t mix us up.”

We started hanging out, chatting, sending each other little lesbian memes: “can this be us <3” next to a picture of two women in pretty dresses frolicking in a field. Eventually, I introduced her to my Alice, and girlfriend Alice raved afterwards about how cute the new Alice was. The private chatting became a threeway group chat, which became a three-way relationship. I was so happy. I began to scoff at the idea of monogamy: “Don’t people understand? It’s not natural to just be with one person.”

But what I didn’t realise is how jealousy controlled my version of the relationship, the version which involved me. I demanded what I thought it should look like – becoming upset if it didn’t. I didn’t like the Alices hanging out without me. My heart would physically ache. I needed to maintain this image of us as a three in my head. My Alice(s).

They both dumped me on the same day. And then stayed together. When I would spy them on campus right after the breakup, walking hand in hand and laughing (at me, my paranoia whispered) I learned the meaning of feeling your stomach drop. The nausea was constant. They were rubbing their relationship in my face on purpose, I convinced myself.

A summer-long hometown hiatus over the break was what I needed to snap out of it and come back to my (sane) self. To reach out and apologise. While I can happily say I am friends with both Alices now, it didn’t come easy for me. I swore off dating for at least a year – a romantic sabbatical, if you will. That was before the Alices introduced me to Clare.

Sweet, empathetic, emotional Clare. We had an intense relationship, hardly leaving each other's rooms; planning our future wedding, children’s names, house decor. After the complete heartbreak with the Alices, I craved monogamous stability like a drug. I felt so proud of myself, I had won. I wasn’t going to be thirty-five on a singles cruise around the Caribbean. No, Clare and I would be drinking matcha in our garden, as our daughter Josephine (Clare’s grandmother's name) plays with our pet corgi under our kōwhai tree.

Until I woke up one day and realised I was suffocating under the weight of our imagined future. I watched friends plan solo backpacking trips around Vietnam and began to doubt if it was time to settle down. Clare hated travelling. I doubled down on our relationship planning and watched Clare’s face light up as our plans together got more and more elaborate. I started hinting that I might propose, and she giggled at the idea of getting married after less than six months of dating. Like a precious porcelain doll, I squeezed our relationship so tight I cracked it. I broke up with her over the phone so I didn’t have to watch her face fall.

Clare and I stayed friends after the break up, slowly unravelling the knots to figure out what our friendship would be like. Two months ago, she introduced me to Aroha at a party. I woke up the next morning in Aroha’s bed. And the morning after that. Georgie's big, brown, dog-like eyes stare at me. They can see the past few years fueling my reaction to finding out that Aroha and Clare are sleeping together.

“Have you considered it’s maybe time to stop sleeping with your exes’ friends?” they ask, their voice laden with leatherthick patience.

“What do you mean?” I reply into my arms, my voice muffled.

“Why don’t you do it like straight people do? I don’t know. Try dating apps, maybe? Isn’t there one just for lesbians.” I make some small noise of disapproval. “Come on! Let’s at least give it a try, where’s your phone?” Georgie starts rifling around in my

bag. Knowing they won’t give up, I emerge from the arm cave and grab my phone off them.

I actually had downloaded Her a few months ago on a whim, but never made an account. After spending too long picking somewhat acceptable photos for my profile (Georgie vetoed just uploading a singular photo of myself taken right then) I officially entered the world of online dating.

“Alright, first profile.” I spin the phone around to show Georgie, it reads:

Hi! I’m Melissa! Me and my boyfriend are looking for… “Nope.” Georgie and I say in sync with my swipe to the next person.

Grace Virgo

Love marvel movies, dogs and surfing

Looking for long term relationships ONLY do not message for hook-ups

“She looks cute,” I say, “I’m not a huge Marvel fan but for her…”

Georgie frowns.

“What is it?” I ask.

Georgie pauses. “I hooked up with her last week.”

“She’s that Grace? Georgie no.” Georgie gives an apologetic shrug.

We swipe through fewer than ten more people, striking nary a fancy, before the app won’t let me swipe anymore.

“Is this like Tinder where you have to pay to swipe more kind of thing?” I ask, confused.

“No, I think the app ran out of lesbians,” Georgie replies.

“What do you mean? That’s all the lesbians on this app in Dunedin? There was like, ten, max.”

“I think so, dude.” Again, that sympathetic look. I sigh again and check the time.

“Shit, I have to go: my first tut of the semester starts, like, now.” I start gathering up my things.

“I’m sorry about Clare and Aroha, and I’m sorry there’s apparently a lesbian shortage in Ōtepoti,” Georgie says.

“It’s not your fault. I’ll see you later, I really have to run.”

When I arrive at my tutorial, they’re already in the middle of a discussion. I take the last seat across from someone I have never seen before. Her Macbook has two stickers on it, gothic looking moths in the colours of the lesbian and trans flags.

“Hi!” I say, out of breath. “I like your stickers.”

“Aw thanks, my friend back in Denmark did them!” she replies. She has a cute Danish accent, and I can see her slightly crooked teeth when she smiles.

“Oh, are you from Denmark?” I ask.

She gives a little nod and her hair falls in front of her face.

“Yeah, I’m an exchange student.”

“How have you been finding Dunedin?” I ask.

“Oh, uh, nice from what I have seen, but I’m too nervous to look around by myself. I don’t really know anyone yet.”

“Oh really? Well, I could show you around. Here, let me give you my phone number.”

manic

pixie dream girl(friend),

She’s not your she has ADHD

The manic pixie dream girl doesn’t do small talk, only enigmatic discussions about the universe and its infinite possibilities. She stargazes from abandoned rooftops, sings out loud in the supermarket, and writes poetry on bathroom stalls. Her love language is dancing barefoot in the rain. She also likely has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) –so do I, so trust me on this.

I grew up watching these whimsical undiagnosed women on screen. I’m talking Zoey Deschanel’s character from 500 Days of Summer, groupie Penny from Almost Famous or the mysterious Ramona in Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Not to mention the romantic interest of every John Green book ever written. It’s always the same story: a beautiful, wildly eccentric woman stumbles into the life of the shy male protagonist and teaches him to embrace emotion and adventure. Then, when her work is done – that is, he’s found his confidence – she disappears, bundled into the back of a Kombi van that drives into the sunset, or aboard a one-way flight to Morocco. All the forever-changed protagonist can do is reminisce. It was only recently, however, that I realised just how much this trope has inextricably weaved its way into my own love life.

Now in my mid-twenties, after years of catastrophizing and crippling procrastination, I have a loving relationship with my ADHD. I’ve found a life worth focusing for. I may be married to my medication, I’ll confess, but it’s a very happy marriage. The kind where, even after 35 years, you still hold hands in the supermarket, picnic in the Botans, and take turns controlling the TV remote. My friends will tell you I still juggle an irrational assortment of hobbies, but I’ve learnt to cherish that kind of chaos. We’re in it for the long haul. It’s only in my dating life, when it comes time to let someone else in on that relationship, that I’m confronted with its twists and turns. The manic pixie dream girl, it turns out, has written the script for many of my romantic relationships.

Never has neurodivergence looked so captivating, so passionate or so pretty, as when written by a depressed (dare I say lonely) straight man. The manic pixie dream girl cherry-picks the traits of ADHD to build a woman that’s supernaturally seductive and free-spirited, without all the uncomfortable realities of having a learning disorder. Disorganisation becomes spontaneity, inability to stay on topic becomes playfulness. Any sign she might be an actual human being floats away on a glittery breeze. God forbid grocery stores overwhelm her or she struggles with low self-esteem. She definitely isn’t medicated. That would be far too messy. Too utterly… human to be sexy. It’s giving “Nooo don’t medicate yourself, you’re so sexy aha”. And so the manic pixie dream girl becomes one-dimensional, her less-palatable traits masked by male fantasy.

A boy once affectionately told me “I love the way you think” after listening to me talk for twenty minutes about how I imagined clouds would taste. It was 1am and I’m sure he would have much rather been sleeping, but he meant it genuinely. I had always been insecure about how much I talked and the compliment totally swept me off my feet. But a little down the line, those same things he adored at the beginning bothered him. The alluring rom-com facade had slipped and he’d caught a glimpse of the not-so-sexy stuff. He’d fallen for emotional vulnerability and spontaneity but was startled when that sometimes meant rejection sensitivity and poor timemanagement. As much as the manic pixie dream girl will make it seem otherwise, one does not exist without the other.

Except the manic pixie dream girl was never designed to be a permanent partner. She lives to teach the male protagonist something transformative about himself, to advance his plot. It’s never been about her. If I had a dollar for every time a man lost interest after he’d learnt something ‘life-changing’ about himself (like how to feel empathy), I’d have at least two dollars. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice, right?

For a true manic pixie dream girl is best served in memory, fondly thought of, but never a wife. She might be fun and flirty but most importantly, she magically vanishes from the film when she no longer serves the male lead. This is okay for the most part in fiction but problems arise when offscreen, young neurodivergent women are treated as romantic plot points, the ultimate ‘good time, not a long time’. As if we, too, cease to exist outside a man's personal growth arc. Believe it or not, women, even the ones who apparently sing out loud in public spaces (I’ve literally never done that), have their very own narratives and should be treated as such. It’s the least we deserve.

I’ll admit there was a time when I embraced the trope; when I was a deeply insecure teen and the idea of someone finding me attractive, even if as a stereotype, felt positive. I leaned into it and found myself accentuating my neurodivergent traits just to entertain the fantasies of seventeen-yearold boys. As cringe as it was (especially during the peak of Tumblr), I don’t blame my younger self. At an impressionable age, when the world is telling you the most important thing you can be is desired, it seems only practical to surrender to the male gaze. And so, I became the manic pixie dream girl.

On that note, the manic pixie dream girl isn’t dissimilar to how women have always been represented in cinema. That is, rooted in misogyny. Need I bring up the Bechdel test? It’s the classic case of ‘always a love interest, never her own complex character’. Even as the trope declines in pop culture, she lives on in the fantasies of men to be rescued from their troubles by an electric but temporary woman. I don’t hold the boys I’ve dated responsible. They’ve consumed the same media and are probably following the same outdated script that I am. But ADHD women are tired of being manic pixie dream girls, where neurodivergence is only viewed through the warped kaleidoscope of the male gaze. Where the only understood traits of ADHD are those considered sexy. What the trope doesn’t tell you is that it’s a package deal. An all-inclusive, minus the awkward group Zumba classes and tacky Hawaiian shirts.

These days the trope doesn’t affect me as much. I know I’m lovable, even when I’m not frolicking in a field or gazing up at the moon, searching for something I can’t describe. Some of it is owed to simply growing up, but a lot of it took significant time and effort to work through, as do many aspects of living with ADHD. Either way, I’ve found my very own storyline. One that (thankfully) doesn’t centre around teaching brooding young men to embrace life’s adventures or to understand empathy (they’ve got acid for that). Perhaps, If I’m feeling extra playful and spontaneous, it’ll even centre around myself.

AN

Love is cool and all, but chances are if you’ve been in love, you’ve also been through heartbreak. There’s no way around it: break-ups are shit. They can be respectful, and props to anyone who’s come out the other end with a friend instead of a blocked account and the ability to relate to Lewis Capaldi’s discography (get it together man). But humans are weird when it comes to emotions and we don’t always handle it well.

Heartbreak Ruined ‘Stir Fry’ by Migos

A young and impressionable 18-year-old me thought it would be reasonable to pursue a long-distance relationship with a man who had no money. While summer unemployment isn’t a crime (we’ve all been there), his joblessness meant that he made literally zero plans to come see me. For the foreseeable future,

together forever. Every spare moment of Year 12 was spent with him, plotting our future and creating a language of inside jokes. Ignoring each other’s red flags. The usual. He was a year older than me in school, so the second year we were together was long distance after he moved to Wellington for university. He took to the fresher party culture like a duck to water. I’d frequently get drunk calls from him on school nights. There was that one time when his friends sent me photos of him passed out with a safety pin pierced ear, something he’d done himself after drinking an entire bottle of vodka.

Meanwhile, I was working my ass off. I’d planned to complete Year 13 early, strategically choosing my school subjects so that I would be able to complete NCEA Level 3 and get University Entrance before an August departure to Argentina. I’d spend the last four months of the year volunteering and travelling (something he’d thrown a tantrum about when I told him).

And so, after slowly getting the ick during the year but struggling to reconcile with the fact that my “forever” love could in fact not be, I made the call. I waited until the weekend before my departure when he returned home to call things off, figuring it would be best done in person. It was a bit of an ambush, I’ll admit. Not knowing how to do it, I had my friends waiting in the car nearby (secretly) when we went out for a sushi picnic at the beach. Essentially, I dropped the bomb, gave him a hug goodbye, and then three days later was on the plane to Argentina. Hasta luego!

Strava Break-up

It was a very unassuming meet. I was hosting my ex-boyfriend’s leaving party. Not as in we were together at the time but as in we broke up over three years ago and stayed friends kind of an ex. Stay with me because this gets a bit complicated, but my ex invited his current fling who invited her new flatmate, the man of interest. He was super charming, very funny, and willing to put up with some outrageous chat by the friend group until the wee hours of the morning – a great sign. I invited him to stay the night where we just went to bed as it was quite late. At this time in my life I had deleted most of my social media to purge the brain rot. All except Strava. Fast forward a few days and I didn’t give or get any contact details from him. I just said if he wanted to find me he would, given I have a relatively Google-able job. Then, in all its glory, a notification pinged on my phone: he’d followed me on Strava. What immediately followed was a message reiterating that he remembered I don’t have an Instagram anymore. A few days later, he logged a run – and had written a fucking message to me with his run path. Game changing. I thought I had found the one. Or at least someone worth messaging for a while before I inevitably leave the country in a few months.

Then I told my friend about said meet-cute, one who happened to be a resident in the same hall where he worked as an RA. After confirming we were talking about the same person with a check of his last name, she said he was incredibly seedy towards some of her mates. Shit. I decided to do a bit more digging and found he happened to be at halls with some other mates, and they said the exact same thing. It did kind of freak me out that I hadn’t picked up on this myself, but it really goes to show the worthwhileness of background checks with mutual friends.

As the voyage continued, I felt torn. Edward was always there, charming and demanding, while Jack represented everything I longed for. One fateful evening, after Edward caught me laughing with Jack, the tension reached a boiling point. I knew I couldn’t hide my feelings any longer.

Anyway, after this I was debating asking him his side of the story or trying to see if he would react oddly to common friends’ names, but ultimately came to the conclusion that it was simply not worth the time nor the energy. So in the biggest ceebs way possible and without much care, I asked ChatGPT to make a short little text saying I didn't want to pursue anything further and sent it to him on Strava messenger. Am I a bad person? Maybe. Is it funny? Absolutely.

Trapped in a Gilded Cage

Once upon a time, I found myself aboard a boat setting sail on a voyage that promised adventure and luxury. My name is Lily and I was dating a man named Edward, a wealthy and charming bloke.

In a secluded corner of the ship, I confronted Edward. “I can’t do this anymore,” I said, my voice trembling. “I want to live, not just exist in your world.” His face twisted with disbelief, his words cutting deeper than I expected as he accused me of being ungrateful. But as he spoke, I felt a surge of courage. I was done with the façade.

Then the ship jolted violently. My heart raced as I glanced around, confusion spiralling into chaos. In that moment, everything I had clung to was crumbling, and I felt a strange sense of relief mixed with fear. I had made the right choice, but it was too late for calm.

As the panic spread, I desperately searched for Jack. When I found him, we were thrown into the water as the ship sank. The water was so cold. He found a broken door from the ship to keep me afloat as he froze in the cool waters of the Atlantic. Eventually,

Jack succumbed to the freezing water and sank to the bottom, along with my hopes of true love. Things were pretty awkward with Edward after this. His mum still calls me though.

Slashed Tyre Situationship

After a few weeks of seeing this man, I was worried. He’d quickly become far too attached – even dropping the L word. It was time to

I plucked up my courage to tell the guy I thought we were better off as friends and that I was still incredibly hung up on my ex (a fact I may have over-emphasised). He blew up at me. Unadded me on all social media. Alright, king. Fast forward about another week, he apologised and continued to message me despite my clear

Since I was still friends with one of his flatmates, we both went out to a flat party one Saturday night. I have no doubt that the flatmate somehow let it slip that we were out that night – in other words, I

The next day, I went to go for a dusty Sunday trip to the supermarket for a Powerade. But I’d have to go without. To my horror, one of my tires was completely flat. I got one of my mates to change the tire and headed to Bridgestone to see if the flat one could get patched up. Not even five minutes after driving away I got a call saying that my tire had been stabbed by a blade about ten different times. Needless to say, it was completely irreparable.

While I have no proof it was my infuriated situationship, he was the only person I could think of who knew what car I drove, would have the motive to do this, and who knew I wasn’t home that night. I texted him like a year later and asked if it was him and he denied it

Ran away with the person we were both sleeping with

This is both a break-up story and a get-together story (as I keep having, it’s a horrible streak). I was sixteen-years-old and had been seeing this girl for a few months. She was sixteen, I was eighteen, which is one of those age gaps in high school that is on the verge of being okay. She had had some drama the previous year after doing something really shitty to a friend of hers. She swore up and down that she had changed, she was in therapy, she wasn’t the person she used to be anymore. I had believed her.

In a surprising turn of events, the person she was shitty to (let’s call her Rose) ended up forgiving her, and we all ended up hanging out on the last day of school. As soon as Rose and I met there was sexual tension. Like, immediately. My girlfriend and I had our relationship open to threesomes. Cut to three hours after I meet Rose, we are having a threesome in my girlfriend's single bed, atop a Thomas the Tank Engine blanket. We all spend the night together, and watch Pink Floyd’s The Wall (do not recommend it as a first date film). Rose and I fell asleep holding each other. The next day, we all agreed that we could sleep together separately if we wanted to, and I went back to Rose’s house. While at her house we began to talk about my girlfriend, what she did, with a constant caveat that “she’s changed”. We moved onto what she’s like now, with a new caveat: “She’s learning.” We change the conversation topic. The next day, we all met at my girlfriend's house and hung out for a bit before my girlfriend left for therapy. Rose and I started talking again, about what my girlfriend was like, how my girlfriend has been treating Rose since they reconnected – so on and so forth. We quickly realised (surprise surprise) she is still the same shitty person she was last year, just with a mask of therapy over the top. Rose had to stop me from destroying her prize possession (a Nintendo64) before we left. Rose and I ran away from my girlfriend’s house together. We held hands on the bus as I texted my girlfriend breaking up with her on the bus ride away and Rose hit the block button (for the second time).

FINALE

The final night of the Bachelor is upon us. Critic Te Ārohi has arranged for the final ceremony to take place right where it all began: the Critic office (honestly, we never leave). We’ve sent out invites to basically everyone we know, including the singles who are welcome to bring along a plus one for emotional support.

Unfortunately, the majority of singles couldn’t make it (or perhaps were too heartbroken to ever face Joel again). Those in attendance include Lily, Brad, Hannah and Olivia, who has brought along her gorgeous flatmate, Annabelle. Upon her arrival, Annabelle proudly proclaims that she was the one who wrote Olivia’s application blurb, concluding that it was actually her that Joel fell in love with. I would make a joke about this if it wasn’t the finale tonight – so, you know.

The office quickly fills up – making us realise it’s actually not a very big space – and the suspense rises as we enjoy a few bevvies and prolong addressing the elephant in the room. Tonight, Joel will be picking who to spend his forever with: Brad or Lily? Before Joel can grab the attention of the room, Nina steals the spotlight to announce that she has made custom certificate awards for everyone involved. Awww.

Awards include the ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ award for being 2024’s biggest BNOC (big name on campus). This obviously goes to Joel, whose face is now plastered on flat walls across North Dunedin. Shout-out to the girls that stopped him on the street the other night while he was on his way back home from work to take photos with him. “One of them was maybe called Vanessa,” Joel tells me. He goes on to snag a grand total of six awards – with Nina admitting she got a bit carried away.

Finalists Lily and Brad wrack up a decent number each, as well. Brad is awarded ‘Wine Mum’ (for obvious reasons) and ‘Lieutenant Colonel’ for being the fearless leader of the #BradArmy. Lily takes home the ‘Took the

Bit Too Far Award’ for accidentally valley-girling her way to the final, and the ‘Plastic Award’ for faking her accent, background, and flat situation – something Critic has been made aware Brad also did. Cheeky.

Even Nina can’t distract the room for long, and soon eyes fixate back on the soon-to-be resolved love triangle. Joel looks visibly nervous, maybe about having to make the decision or perhaps he’s got a bit of stage fright from how packed the office is. He takes a stand in front of Brad and Lily.

“This journey has been filled with unforgettable moments, and I’m so grateful for the time I’ve shared with both of you,” Joel begins. Brad and Lily smile at him expectantly. “The ice skating date was such a fun memory, but it was our solo date where you opened up and shared your deepest thoughts that truly deepened our connection,” he continues. “Your smile brightens my day, and your positivity is something I’ve come to cherish.” Swoon. The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop – or the frantic thud of Lily and Brad’s heartbeats.

“Meeting your flatmates together felt so special, like everything was starting to fall into place. Every moment has been incredible, but my heart is telling me who I want by my side.” Joel pauses before that boyish smile spreads across his face. “Brad, will you accept this rose?” Cue the applause and “awws” so loud they could’ve been heard from the library.

Someone yells “speech!” as Brad steps forward to claim his rose and hug Joel. Brad obliges, beginning, “Um, I really enjoyed [the experience].” He gestures to “flatmate” Madeline who he brought along (proudly wearing her heart-shaped carabiner). “Thanks Madeline [...] for pushing me into it, it’s been really fun.”

We catch up quickly with Lily before she has a chance to disappear forever (back into the Radio One office).

Voice trembling from a tirade of (fake) tears, she reveals

tells us, “It was lovely to spend the evening with Lily and Brad. [...] It’s been a good time overall,” he shrugs. We can’t really blame him for the NPC-style answer. He was planning something else in his head. Just as we’re all set to leave, I overhear a conversation between Joel and Brad about heading to The Bog to grab some drinks and continue their conversation away from prying cameras and eavesdropping journalists. Drat.

And that’s it, dearest reader. But do not fear – Bachelor is not over. Bachelor is all around us: playing cupid with your friends, writing out questions to ask on a first date, consoling your flatmate after one of their hookups goes incredibly wrong. It is love. You are all the Critic Bachelor(s). Ciao, bella.

AWARDS

Joel Tebbs

The I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here Award for being 2024’s biggest BNOC

The Snow Bunny Award for an undying love of mountains

The Slow Walker Apologist Award for admitting an odd attraction to them

The Anti Botanist Award for calling every flower a rose

The Brand Ambassador Award for undying loyalty to Delivereasy

The Slam and Dash Award for fastest pre-shift pints sunk

Brad Devery

The Lieutenant Colonel Award for inspiring the #BradArmy

The Wine Mum Award for consistent dedication to a cheeky Sav

The Dr. Smooth Bowel Award for talking about nothing but his PhD for the first four dates

The Drama Llama Award for being so brave and trying something other than wine

Lily Knowles

The Took the Bit Too Far Award for accidentally valley-girling her way to the final

The Plastic Award for faking her accent, background, and flat situation

The Nepo Baby Award for being an office plant

Micah Masten

The Baby Reindeer Award for an unnerving knowledge of Joel’s instagram

The Samosa Stan Award for consistent dedication to OUSA lunch dates

Jessica Wilson

The Texas Hold ‘Em Award for best bull ride

The Sabrina Carpenter Award for being so short ‘n sweet

Charlotte Werner

The “What?” Award for a very valid reaction to the Boy Girl Soup Factory

Amelia Isac

The Ice Queen Award for being frosty and sniffly on the ice

Olivia Haskell

The Avid Listener Award for remembering Joel’s favourite artist

Gabi Scott

The Lemonade Out of Lemons Award for making more connections with the singles than with Joel

Award for the Most Iconic Line for “you can friend zone me once, but you can’t friend zone me twice”

The Lavender Trauma Award for never being able to look at it the same

Hannah Mitchell

The Oracle Award for origami-derived powers of fortune

The Canva Queen Award for her 15-slide application presentation

Charlotta Hillberg

The Tramp(ing) Award for a love of callused hands

COZY COMEDY OPEN MIC INCH BAR Tickets from eventfinda. co.nz. 7.30pm. WEDNESDAY 9 OCTOBER

WET DENIM - ON THE LINE TOUR THE CROWN HOTEL w/ IVY. Tickets from moshtix.co.nz. 8pm.

NAIROBI TRIO REGENT THEATRE Tickets from patronbase. com. 7.30pm. All ages.

METAL RE:UNION THE CROWN HOTEL Featuring Injection of Death, Twist of Fate, Abstract Survival, and Methchrist. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 7.30pm.

DOWNSIDE UP MOONS w/ The Friendlys and Niamh Crooks. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 8pm.

METAL FRESH MEAT

THE ENTIRE ALPHABET THE DUCK Tickets from undertheradar. co.nz. 6pm. All ages.

DUNEDIN MUSICIANS' CLUB Featuring Blood Cauldron, Upon the AEther, Brackish, Skinthief, and Mudgun. Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 7.30pm.

GRACE PETRIE PEARL DIVER Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 7pm.

LAZY GHOST - 'SARAH TONIN' EP TOUR U BAR Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz. 8pm.

2 OCT

1 Fazerdaze (NZ) - Cherry Pie No. 2 last week | 3 weeks in chart

2 Recitals (NZ) - Champion Runner No. 6 last week | 5 weeks in chart 3 IVY (Dn) - The Trees No. 3 last week | 2 weeks in chart 4 Lips (NZ) - The Wolf ft. E from Eels No. 5 last week | 2 weeks in chart 5 Sofia Machray (NZ) - Pulling on a String No. 8 last week | 2 weeks in chart 6 Office Dog (NZ) - Intact No. 9 last week | 4 weeks in chart 7 Bunchy's Big Score (Dn) - Scrapbook No. 4 last week | 4 weeks in chart

8 Night Lunch (Dn) - Dog Show No. 1 last week | 5 weeks in chart 9 Wiri Donna (NZ) - Stop Charades 1 week in chart 10 DONK DOBBO (NZ) - OPSHOP DONK (FT. DJ BAX) No. 7 last week | 9 weeks in chart 11 Adam Hattaway (NZ) - Good Times 1 week in chart Leo Lilley (Dn) - That Girl Juno Is (NZ) - Another Deal

Picks

Mazagran Hit

emmie (she/her) is very new to the DJ scene but has already made a considerable impact. After being inspired by Nörty Club and its members, emmie decided to get on the decks – to great success. In the recent OUSA Future DJ competition, she placed second. While the competition was full of DnB breathas, emmie’s house and EDM brought a different flavour to U-Bar’s sticky floors. Critic Te Ārohi spoke with emmie about her love of electronic music, the DJ scene, and upcoming gigs.

“One night I got really drunk and bought a set of decks.” That’s how it started for emmie, a self-described fiend for starting new things. Her flat hosted a boiler room where she cooked up a set to an enthusiastic crowd. With only three months of experience under her belt, she has DJ’d flat parties, 21st birthdays, the POLSA Ball, and even a yacht party.

The name emmie comes from her name, Emma. “I couldn’t think of anything else. My family calls me that, it’s my favourite nickname,” she says. Her flatmates have insisted on the name DJackson (a play on her last name) which she strongly rejected. emmie is self taught, originally starting with YouTube tutorials that she did not find helpful. “I turned to TikTok, which is really good and helps me find new music, new genres, and new DJs who I’ve reached out to and [who] have given me little tips,” she says.

emmie has a real love for DJing as shown by her commitment to go to U-Bar and Carousel every week to study other DJs. No, really. She explains, “I stand next to the decks – respectfully – and see how they use the highs, lows, and mediums and all that. It’s a really good community and everyone is super friendly. It’s awesome seeing people enjoy music, especially songs you have picked.”

In primary school, emmie had an iPad that she was allowed to bring to school camps which she had loaded with iTunes tracks she had purchased: “I loved Calvin Harris and would play songs like Bounce and Summer out loud, not connected to a speaker or anything, and walk around so me and all my friends would do karaoke and stuff.”

Apart from Calvin Harris, emmie also loves Chris Dussy, Disco Lines, Sammy Varji. But as mentioned, her true love is Dunedin’s very own Nörty Club – the powerhouse that is Candi, Jousey, and Eve – known for their house and techno tunes. “My friend and I saw them at U-Bar and thought they were the coolest people to ever exist and I’ve loved them ever since,” says emmie. The group being all women is very important, too, especially in a very male-dominated scene. Though a new addition to this scene, emmie is going well. You can follow emmie on Instagram @emmiethedj for upcoming gigs and emmie on Soundcloud to listen to her mixes.

By Jordan Irvine

FOR:

Yes, of course I would. Is that even a question? I’d even build you a little worm house with lots of dirt and food so you could live the rest of your worm life happily, because I love you. There are many practical and fickle reasons why it would make my life harder to continue loving you as a worm. But I don’t care. This worm, deep down, is still the person I fell in love with. You’ve always been kind of quirky, and this is just you taking your manic-pixie-dream-girl persona to the next level.

Love is supposed to be unconditional and true love should be able to last through anything. I would still love you if you got really sick and I had to quit uni to nurse you back to health, or if you got scammed out of all your money and I had to pay your rent (but your dad could probably cover that). Why should it be any different if you turned into a worm?

Love isn’t all about appearance and it would be incredibly shallow to say otherwise. Even if your outside appearance changed, I still love the real you – what’s on the inside. Didn’t we all learn from Beauty and the Beast that we should look past the fact that our partner is an animal and love them anyway (that’s totally the message of Beauty and the Beast right)? We’d find ways to adjust to the new you and we’d make it work.

Think about it like this: love is the most powerful emotion in the world. In pretty much every movie, song, artwork and poem, love wins. Love triumphs over hate and good wins out over evil. As The Beatles said, “Love is all you need.” What’s really important is that you’re together with the ones you love. You being a worm might be the biggest challenge we’ve faced in our relationship, but we’d get through it – together. Because that’s what love is all about.

AGAINST:

Look babe, I love you. You know that. But a worm? Come on. Every relationship has limits and boundaries, things that partners fundamentally disagree over, like kids, marriage, money – or interspecies relationships. I really thought we were on the same page with everything, but I just can’t love you as a worm. I’m sorry.

It’s simply impractical to have a worm girlfriend. You know that I would never hurt you on purpose, but if you were a worm I would always be worried that I was going to squish you while you were in my pocket, or accidentally step on you when I'm in a rush, or mistake you for a noodle in my ramen. If we tried to go on a cute beach date (because the weather has been really nice in Dunedin lately) you’d get eaten by a seagull!

I also couldn’t talk to you anymore. Communication is the foundation of any good relationship, and I need to be able to discuss things with you if we’re going to continue as a couple. Plus, it would get a bit boring telling you about my day but you can’t say anything back because you’re a worm. Let’s just be realistic. And lastly, it would just be a little weird. You know I’m a little scared of bugs, and you always have to squash the spiders in the bathroom for me, so it would be really hard to not be scared of you as a worm.

You know our love is forever – but forever has to end sometime, it seems. Even unconditional love has conditions, and I have to love you enough to let you go. Others may argue that love is enduring and can last through any trial, but I believe that even love has limitations. It doesn’t make what we had any less beautiful, but it does make it over. You’ve changed, and you’re not the same person I fell in love with… you’re not even a person anymore. Sorry babe, it’s over. Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society. The Debating Society welcomes new members and meets at the Business School every Tuesday at 6pm.

STILL

WOULD YOU

LOVE ME IF I WAS A WORM?

heat and bring it up to temperature.

Step 2. While the pan is heating, add the eggs, milk, vanilla essence, cinnamon, and sugar into a large bowl/dish and mix until combined

Step 3. Once combined, place a piece of your bread into the egg-milk mixture. You want to get the bread soaked in the mixture on both sides. Give it a quick soak (approx. 4-5 seconds) and flip it over to repeat.

Step 4. Place a knob of butter into the hot pan.

Step 5. Once the butter has melted, add the soaked bread and cook for approx. 7 mins until the bread is golden brown. Flip and cook the other side.

Step 6. Add some more butter to the pan if it is looking a bit dry. Continue the soak and cook process until you have used up all the bread/egg-milk mixture. Depending on the size of your pan you can have a couple pieces of bread cooking at once.

Serve warm with toppings of your choice! I have listed a few suggestions, but feel free to get creative and use whatever you like. Enjoy x

something large enough to dip the bread

Ingredients:

3 large eggs

1 cup milk

1 ½ tsp vanilla essence

2 tsp ground cinnamon

2 tsp white sugar

8-10 slices of bread

Butter to fry

TOPPING SUGGESTIONS

FRENCH TOAST MI

into something thick-ish and plain like wholemeal or white bread works best you can use any type of milk here, including dairy free

By Ruby Hudson

By CHUNNY SwilliamsBill

Battle of the TastingBrewers Tray

Oktoberfest is truly a beautiful thing. Like all pagan holidays, it’s about getting fucked up. The British have Guy Fawkes, Kiwis have Crate Day, and Germans have a month-long combination of the two in Oktoberfest. In honour of global hermitage to your local, Emerson’s has launched the Battle of the Brewers. In the style of those HUNT students that try to make you take a weird sensory survey on some strange mushroom and acid concoctions, Chunny Bill Swilliams has taken it as their civic duty to supply a comprehensive ranking of these drops based on taste, chugability, and how well the beer names roll off the tongue after a few.

Disclaimer: The further into the tasting tray we got, the less coherent and detailed our reviews were. Necking them back took priority over note-taking. Forgive us.

665 THE NEIGHBOUR OF THE BEAST

It should be illegal to name a beer ‘The Neighbour of the Beast’ and have it be 3.3% Weisse made with blackberry and cherry. It wasn’t red enough to be associated with the devil at all; more a light-shade of pink that makes you think of rosé or Valentine’s Day. It was neither fully fruit nor berry, meaning it was a bit like cherry Hubba Bubba: you’ve got approximately one chew before you’re left with a tasteless glob. It’s like this drink had undergone budget cuts. It couldn’t properly commit to using enough fruit, but decided to call it a day and hand itself in regardless.

Taste: 3/10. A good palate cleanser before the real beer, I guess.

Chugability: 10/10. One cherry from being water.

Pronounceability: 6/10. Easy to nickname.

THE CELLARMAN - BAMBERGER LAGER

Fairly strong tasting but pretty standard. It seems like something between a golden ale and a lager, with a less than ideal aftertaste. For a 5.3% beer, it’s nothing to write home about.

Taste: 5/10. Bang average.

Chugability: 8/10.

Pronounceability: 10/10. Reminds me of a Victorian-era serial killer.

FESTHALTEN - HEFEWEIZEN

This strange concept of a beer takes all the wrong parts of being banana-flavoured and combines it into a beer. So much so that it’s impossible to decide whether drinking this tastes more like eating the banana your parents have been saving to make banana bread for so long it’s started to ferment, or more like eating food from

your lunchbox that’s been contaminated by the banana you left in there – faintly banana-y, mostly edible, but nowhere near enjoyable.

Taste Rating: 1/10. Somehow it could be worse.

Chugability: 3/10.

Pronounceability: 1/10. Just gonna point for this one.

MAIN HELLES BOCK

The Tasting Tray was starting to settle in at this point, but this beer was bocking good. Nice and malty and deceptively easy to drink. I wish these came in tankards so I could slam one on the table.

Taste Rating: 7/10. Makes you want to say “bring me more ale”

Chugability: 6/10.

Pronounceability: 6/10. Manageable.

SCHMIEDEHAMMER - SCHWARZBIER

Schmiedehammer is Germany's second best invention, right after soft pretzels. This dark German lager was crafted with chocolate and espresso, a blend so rich it can only be described as sensual. When Hozier sang about black coffee and taking his whiskey neat, this was the richness he was describing. Find a pint of this ASAP and sit in front of a fire or something. I don’t know but I sure do wish I was German.

Taste Rating: 9.9/10

Chugability: 1/10. Have to appreciate this one.

Pronounceability: 2/10. Watching the Bundesliga to improve.

DAS BLOCK - DUNKEL BOCK

The name of this beer was entirely too reminiscent of Badlands Chugs drinking out of the Das Boot. Not an ideal thought, but increases the chugability exponentially. This is another strong dark lager rocking in at an impressive 7.4% ABV. The drink was still fairly smooth for a dark beer in comparison to a stout or a porter.

Taste Rating: 7/10. Wunderbar.

Chugability: 5/10.

Pronounceability: 10/10. Put the accent on and everything.

TĒNĀ KOUTOU MY SUBJECTS!

Congratulations on electing your second dictator in two years. Here’s to a hundred years of Liam’s rule – well, maybe not, but you get the idea! Long live the President!

Elections don’t happen in isolation and the success of this election speaks to the effort of many dedicated individuals.

To Abby Bowmar the Returning Officer, thank you for your firm grip on election policy that crushed any notions of corruption among the candidates.

To our Association Secretary and Queen Bee, Donna Jones, thank you for keeping the wheels turning, we couldn’t have done it without your passion.

To Critic Te Ārohi, thank you for the sharp coverage and the very handsome cover. You’ve kept us candidates honest and students informed.

To the Executive, your work manning voting booths, organisation of forums, live streams, social media and secret promotion of the No Confidence vote have all been fantastic. AVP Emily Williams deserves a special shoutout for all of her hard work. I will always be grateful to this team, and I couldn’t have done it without your confidence and encouragement.

To my incredible partner Chikita, your patience, your wisdom and your timely reminders to leave work at work.

Whether it’s advising social media posts or hanging up posters, thank you for all your advice, love and support.

Thank you to Amy and Laura for nominating me and thanks to the rest of my flatmates; Tina, Reilly, Brodie and Colin for your support, encouragement and doing my dishes when I need to race out in the morning.

To Mr. No Confidence, thank you for running a clean and fair race. It was a bit touch-and-go there for a minute, but at the end of the day, the engaged and informed student body decided that someone was better than no one and for that I am deeply grateful.

To all the candidates, whether you won or lost, you stood up for something bigger than yourself. Hold on to your courage, this won’t be your

last opportunity to do good for our community

To the candidates who did win, take a moment to breathe, but remember that the real work begins now. You’re part of a tradition – one powered by caffeine and a relentless commitment of students. Next year will go quickly but I promise you guys that every day my mission will be to get the most out of this team and to help you build memories within those bright green walls that will last a lifetime.

Finally, to the student body, I want to thank you for putting your trust in me, even though you didn’t have much choice. I don’t take this responsibility lightly. I promise that I will continue to work towards real, positive change for every member of our student community.

2025 is going to be a busy year, there’s no way around that. This election has shown us that we can’t expect students to be interested in OUSA just because we exist. More than this, we have to make the effort to inform students who we are, what we stand for, and how we can make a difference in your lives.

For too long, OUSA has become afraid to take risks and be the leader it has to be to deal with the challenges before us. These challenges are numerous; student disengagement with OUSA and what I call the crisis of the Otago experience which comprises renting, quality of housing, loss of safe drinking spaces, and a culture of burnout all threaten to undermine our association and our members. I promise that this Executive will be bold, passionate, unafraid to lead, and will do it all with that signature Otago sense of humour.

If you see me around don’t hesitate to say G’day or if you prefer the safety of the digital world check out our Instagram @ousaexec or @LiamOUSAPrez, I’m here for you.

Thanks again everyone. Now it's up to me and the wonderful executive to make 2025 one for the history books. And remember: bless up Otago.

Liam White

OUSA President 2025

AQUARIUS

It's time for a new hairstyle. Try a reverse mohawk or going smurf blue. A change of appearance will bring a new lust for life that you have truly been lacking lately. Your friends have been comparing you to sadness from Inside Out and that is just not good enough.

Chance of finding love this summer: 100%

ARIES

You have been looking a little pale lately and getting all of your vitamin D through supplements is not the healthiest thing ever. It is time to start getting some organically. This is possible both through bedroom activities and standing in the sun.

Chance of finding love this summer: 69% *winky face*

GEMINI

Twin, you are stunning this week. The fits are saying sandwich method and it is working for you. We love the effort you are putting in to keep our campus just a little bit more fashionable. Also, that expensive item you have been holding off on will go on sale this week so it's time to get it.

Chance of finding love this summer: 82% but they will be leaving the country in May so it’s not real love

LEO

You're like a lion: fierce, loud, and a killing machine this week (not literally killing, just killing it). Be passionate and bold, this makes you a very likeable person and that is always a good thing. I also see pie in your future.

Chance of finding love this summer: 5% it's just not your year unfortunately

LIBRA

Times up, dickhead. It's time to cut the bullshit and tell your ex you slept with their friend. After all, honesty is the best policy and you don't owe your ex anything, especially after how much of a shit cunt they were when you were together.

Chance of finding love this summer: You're taking a break from the social construct that is ‘love’

SAGITTARIUS

This week is full of backflip-worthy moments (if you could do one, that is). From getting a free coffee when the cafe makes too many, to your friend's dad giving away heaps of boujee clothes that are your size, there is not a single L in sight.

Chance of finding love this summer: 99.99% you’ll find your shawty, no cap

PISCES

You have a whole lot of nothing going on this week. It will be the most boring week of your life but at least it's not a bad week. Except for the sunburn you get on Wednesday, which is weird because this is Dunedin in October.

Chance of finding love this summer: Like 30% but you have to let it come to you

TAURUS

When in doubt, eating pasta every night this week never fails. Except for when it gives you bad acne and horrible nightmares. Maybe mix some veggies in there and lower your intake of garlic bread. Water is also something you should be consuming.

Chance of finding love this summer: 0% but you will find inner love so that's a positive

CANCER

Tbh, you have been a little stinky lately. It's time to eat veggies with less fiber and stop crop-dusting Central Library. Everyone knows it's you no matter how cool you think you play it off. Also, the stench emanating from your head is yucky asf. My recommendation: Head & Shoulders.

Chance of finding love this summer: 50% depending on how cool you can play it

VIRGO

Have you ever heard the song ‘VIRGO’S GROOVE’ by Beyonce? It is literally telling the story of your life this week. Everyone wants you to come over, so pick and choose your roster very carefully because one of them might be your chance at true love.

Chance of finding love this summer: 45% but maybe you have already found it

SCORPIO

It’s time to take the study sessions out of your bed and into the library. These exams aren't gonna study for themselves and you are way too far into the pit of debt to let yourself fail another paper.

Chance of finding love this summer: 73% it’s not definite but you have a good chance

CAPRICORN

Your luck this week is through the roof. Don’t trust everything you see, though. If you find a coupon for five yoga sessions on the ground, it’s probably attached to a kidnapper’s string. And definitely double-check email links before blindly clicking them – you’ve saved too hard for your money to be stolen by a phisher.

Chance of finding love this summer: You already have the love of your life, it’s Marmite on toast

SEND A SNAP TO US AT @CRITICMAG BEST SNAP EACH WEEKS WINS AN OUSA CLUBS & SOCS SAUNA VOUCHER