Kobe Bryant And The Power of Shared Grief

Anthony Gonzalez, LCSW

I was walking through our local grocery store when I heard my wife let out an audible gasp from behind me. I turned to see the tears welling in her eyes. My stomach sank, and I feared the absolute worst.

She stood in shock and shared the heart-wrenching news that Kobe Bryant had passed away. And what’s more, his daughter was with him and was also gone. We collectively mourned, as we all discovered together that so many had tragically passed on that helicopter. We exchanged memories through the night, as memorials ran across social media with people sharing their sadness, shock, and prayers for the families left to survive this incredible pain.

It was confusing. Why do we feel such a deep loss for people we have never met? I did not know, never met, and unfortunately will never meet Kobe, and yet I was overcome by his loss far too soon. Many of us were. Why is it that we can be so moved when someone so distant departs this life?

My answer is connection. We do not need to have a physical connection with someone to feel profoundly emotionally connected. We watch from afar, we cheer, we read, we are entertained, and people educate us

and become pieces of our lives. They mark chapters of our lives and help create some of our most essential memories, and yet they never know. When they pass, we experience the loss. These central figures help us attach to even larger communities and remind us we belong to something, even when we feel most alone. Through them, we are bonded.

Sharing these emotions helps us to heal. We need to let ourselves talk openly, cry intensely, and laugh loudly until we can’t tell why the tears are falling. Far too often, we suppress these emotions, trying to convince ourselves that we “shouldn’t” mourn someone we don’t intimately know. But, we do know them.

Kobe Bryant, Maya Angelou, Prince, Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams. They opened themselves up to the world, and we embrace all they are willing to give, for better or worse. We invited them into our homes, they were guests at our tables, they spoke the words we couldn’t muster, they were the role models we didn’t have, and they became the soundtracks to our joy and pain. They helped develop and strengthen some of our most cherished bonds and helped define some of our most precious moments. Practicing ball with your son or daughter, you were Kobe. We explored the world with Chef Tony. We danced with Prince. We have a right to miss that.

Mindfulness of emotion guides us neither to question nor reject our emotions. Sadness is a bond that communicates shared loss. Our logical mind tries to make sense of tragedy or place blame, and ultimately that is simply a defense against the hurt and ache in our souls that we are unsure if we can tolerate. The more we allow ourselves to mindfully accept the reality of our loss, we are empowered to share it with others - and in that connection, we are reminded that we are not alone.

Death is the unflinching reminder that we are all mortal. Sobering tragedy can help push us out of our mindless routines and closer to the gratitude for those who are still with us. Lynn Manuel Miranda wrote in Hamilton that ‘legacy is planting seeds in a garden that you will never see.’ And, I believe our shared grief is watering that garden now.