No Ordinary Son A Journey through Death & Living Again Dr. Tanya McCoss-Yerigan Infinitely Yours Publications
Infinitely Yours Publications 4857 Hwy 67, Suite #3 Granite Falls, MN 56241 Copyright Š Tanya McCoss-Yerigan, 2014 (4) All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author. No Ordinary Son: A Journey through Death and Living Again Dr. Tanya McCoss-Yerigan ISBN-10: 0996056505, ISBN-13: 978-0-9960565-0-2 (soft cover) ISBN-10: 0996056521, ISBN-13: 978-0-9960565-2-6 (hard cover)
Edited by Olivia Bergeland Photography by Frozen in Time (p. 281 and back cover) Manufactured in the United States of America
Infinitely Yours Publications ~ Making Our Story Yours ~
CLINTON ROBERT-DOUGLAS MCCOSS December 12, 1990 – November 5, 2006
DEDICATION
“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.� ~Helen Keller~ This book is written as a gift for all who loved Clint and for all who never met him. There is no in-between. CLINT To my son, Clint, who I miss every second of every day. As few know, I made a promise to you on the day God took you home. I promised I would continue to live. I also promised not just to live, but to live a life that would make you proud. A life filled with love, laughter, and gratitude. I apologize for struggling with these things in the early years of your absence. The pain was just too thick. Today, I can honestly say that I have found a way to take my loss of you and make myself better and not bitter. Thank you for your hearence. I will explain this word to everyone else later. I love you, Kitty. MY OTHER CHILDREN To my other children: Megan, Garrett, Briana, and Kayla. Without you, I am not sure I would have been able to survive losing Clint. In all honesty, during the first days, I waited for an opportunity to be alone so I could leave to be with him. Then I realized being with
him meant not being with you. I could not do it. I loved him. I love him still, but I do not love him more than each of you. I loved him differently, and I love each of you differently than how I loved him. It’s all of you who make me whole as a mother. So, on the second morning after Clint’s accident, I made another promise to your brother and prayed that God would help me keep this promise no matter what it took. I promised Clint that I would get out of bed every day and live for you. I am writing this book so you understand my love for your brother and each of you. I love you guys! TIM To my husband and best friend, Tim. Without you, I am sure I would not be here today. You never left my side in those early hours, days, weeks, and months. When you realized I wanted to leave this world and be with Clint, you made me keep the promises I made to him and the other children. When I would rage and try to push you away, you would pull me closer. When I did not know I was hungry, you fed me. When I had not bathed in days, you bathed me. When I would wander into the cold to lie where Clint drew his last breath, you would bring me inside so I would not freeze to death. When my hair was a mess, you brushed it. When I would look in the mirror and not recognize my own reflection, you helped me to see myself again. When I was so numb that I could not feel love, you showed me what it was. You made me promise that I would live until I could think again. You made me make the six-month promise. Ultimately, it was this promise and our children’s faces that allowed me to be sitting here today. I love you, Tim.
FAMILY & FRIENDS Thank you does not do justice to my family and friends who held vigil over our sorrow. For months, my friends, parents, sister (Bobbie), brothers (Hollis, Todd, and Kyle), and their families made sure that I was never alone. They will never know how much this means to me. My dad reminded me that I will be with Clint again. My mom, whose love of Clinty rivaled only my own, looked into my eyes, and both of us knew no words were necessary. I will never forget the sound of my sister’s voice when we talked on the phone, and I will never forget her hand on my knee as she sat in silence at my feet. I also remember when my big brothers wrapped their arms around me, and one of them said, “I love you, and it will be ok.” Another brother shared his shock and sorrow by stating, “Why you? You are the best mom!” My sisters-in-law were calling me day after day. Pam was nearly running across the room to hold me each time our eyes would meet. My nephews would come to hug me as though they were standing in for what Clinty could no longer do. They knew about the hugs he gave me and believed that someone, wherever they were, should come to hug me even if it was for just a few seconds. Clinty’s friends, who soon became our friends, would stop at our home whenever they could. They would unknowingly remind me that he was here. They were all such an important part of our lives and our home. They will never know how their presence cushioned the striking blows of pain that bombarded me. To my closest friends, who kept calling even though I couldn’t recognize the ring of a phone. Your hearts knew what my children
meant to me, and you found a way to make me live. To my family and friends, you did not just do this once; you did it day after day. Each of you gave me a piece of your strength so I could heal. Slowly, your acts of love and support helped to mend my shattered world so I could emerge and live again. COMMUNITY To all of those who loved us through this or left us alone in our sorrow, this book is for you. Whichever side you were on, I have learned from you, and I love you for it. I hope my journey will spark some insight for you. Whether you supported us with your presence and prayers or were one of the town gossips, my hope is that my pain will bring you wisdom and compassion. GOD Finally, this book is dedicated to my Heavenly Father. Thank you for your patience and everlasting love. You have granted me so many gifts: hearence, love, gratitude, and peace. I only hope I can do justice to these gifts and share your wonders with the world. I once heard this saying: “God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all of it.� God, my heart is yours!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DEDICATION FORWARD INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8 CHAPTER 9 CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 CHAPTER 17 CHAPTER 18 CHAPTER 19 CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 21 CHAPTER 22
By Garrett McCoss My Journey Let Me Introduce You to Who We Used to Be He Prepares Me . . . But for What? That Horrible Day Unimaginable Decisions A Mother’s Goodbye God? What a Hoax! The Six-Month Promise I Am So Lonely My Groundhog Day My Clinty Comforts Me Anger Nearly Becomes Me My Life Has Been Hijacked Would Someone Please Tell Me Where He Is? My Heart Opens & Hearence Reigns My Fears Consume Me Those I Once Loved to Hear About Don’t Hurt the Money Knowing Clint Clint’s Friends The New Us . . . Our New Life Our Roots Run Deep Ray of Hope
4 10 14 17 33 45 62 74 87 96 101 106 110 115 134 135 143 148 155 158 170 176 180 217 237
CHAPTER 23 CHAPTER 24 CHAPTER 25 CHAPTER 26 CHAPTER 27 AFTERWORD EPILOGUE
APPENDIX I APPENDIX II APPENDIX III APPENDIX IV
Holding On So What Happened Anyway? Clint’s Life & Legacy See You Soon A Son for a Son Our Family Would Like to Hear from You! Do You Still Hunt? Infinitely Ours Discussion Questions Infinitely Clint Foundation: Donation Form Book Order Form
245 258 269 273 276 282 285 300 310 319 320
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