WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?

By Sarah Schusler

Have you ever been asked, “What’s your number?” on a date? No, not your phone number… your number. The amount of people you’ve slept with.

For women, this is a tricky subject.

Throughout our lives we’ve been constantly subjected to slut shaming and harmful purity culture ideals, so much so, that most women feel ashamed to have slept with more than a couple of partners—let alone talk about it on a date.

It’s ironic, considering men are looked at as more attractive and renowned by both women and men for having numerous sexual conquests. Men are somehow seen as more sexually knowledgeable and, therefore, better equipped in bed due to their copious sexual experiences.

But of course, this is, in fact, false, especially considering what’s called the “orgasm gap,” a term coined to explain the percentage of heterosexual men that orgasm versus the percentage of heterosexual women.

A whopping 95% of heterosexual men orgasm compared to 65% of heterosexual women, according to research by the Archives of Sexual Behaviors cited by Forbes contributor Alice Broster.

But what does this mean for dating conversations? Is this even an appropriate conversation to have on a date?

The answer: Of course, it is!

Maybe not on the first date, but women shouldn’t feel ashamed for how many men they have or have not had sexual encounters with. In fact, more people are finding it attractive to have sexually educated partners.

And no, this does not mean you can run out and sleep with people for “research purposes,” but hey, if that floats your boat, you do you, boo (safely and consensually, of course).

What it does mean is people are finding it more attractive to be sexually educated, knowing your body and expressing your sexual expectations confidently, whether that entails the actual act of sexual intimacy or not.

Now, when should these conversations take place during the dating process?

Alex Gonzales, 34, said, “It’s all about the way the conversation is presented. I don’t ever want a girl I’m on a date with to think I’m a total creep that’s just trying to get into her pants for asking sexual questions too soon. Usually, those kinds of conversations take place on later dates, maybe second or third.”

However, this conversation may not be easy for some people.

Susan Edmondson, 23, said, “Sometimes, it’s even harder stating that you’re a virgin and have had practically no sexual interactions. Some men perceive you as this pure, fragile thing that can’t be tainted.”

Regardless of one’s sexual history, it’s healthier for everyone to open up about their sexual partners and experiences early on in a relationship.

Conversations about sex and what the expectations are for the relationship— whether there’s a lack of sexual experience or not—can actually have a positive impact in making couples feel closer and more trustworthy.

According to Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of “Come As You Are,” “Communication is key. When we open and discuss not only our expectations but what our philosophies are around sex, we learn more about our partner.”

Further, Nagoski writes that it can be difficult to be this vulnerable, especially for women, but that continued communication can strengthen the relationship.

The point is, regardless of how many people you’ve slept with or how much experience you have, clear communication is key when it comes to dating.

For women, this means learning about our bodies, desires and getting comfortable with having sexual conversations regardless of judgment, societal influence or experience.

Female sex positivity and education should not be a subject to shy away from, especially when it comes to dating.