Everything Goes On Pizza

Jarred White

In 2022, New York pizza restaurant, A Slice of Yours, put out a call for home-made pizza recipes. Their call was featured in The Post, The Times, and The Sun Notably, the call was not officially featured anywhere online. The owners of A Slice of Yours, Robert Waters and his son-in-law, Chris King, stated that they wanted to keep the recipes for their upcoming cookbook, Everything Goes on Pizza, focused exclusively on the tastes and techniques of locals.

They branded it as “a showcase of the upper crust styles of New York. From the exotic to the time-tested classics, our recipes will show that, with enough talent and care, everything goes on pizza!”

The following are some of the pieces submitted to their call.

Name: “The Sailboat”

Ingredients: 2½ cups of cold water. 3 cups grated mozzarella. 2 cups tomato sauce. 1 teaspoon sugar. 3 teaspoons yeast. 6 cups flour. 2 teaspoons salt. 3 tablespoons olive oil. 5 whole pepperoni sticks. 4 artichoke hearts. 6 gingerbread men (small).

Directions: Mix the water, sugar, salt, and flour in a large bowl until doughy. Place the dough in a pan greased with olive oil. Distribute evenly. Use a spoon to spread tomato sauce. Sprinkle the grated mozzarella. Slice the pepperoni slices in half and arrange the slivers into the shape of a boat. Trim the artichokes and arrange the clippings into wave-like patterns around the bottom half of the sailboat. Place into a preheated oven (400-450 ° F) for 10-15 minutes. Remove pizza and, while still hot, arrange the six gingerbread men within the artichoke clippings. Their legs may either be placed underneath the waves or simply broken off, but their arms should preferably be outstretched towards the upper half of the pepperoni boat. Their faces were pale, and in the eerie moonlight, paler still. Serves six. Serves them right.

Name: “The Refined Gentleman”

Ingredients: 9 cups warm water. 8 cups cubed pepper jack. 7 cups classic pizza sauce. 3½ teaspoons sugar. 2 tablespoons salt. 13 cups all-purpose flour. 3 packets of extra-thick bacon. 4 pounds of glazed ham. 2 pounds of Boston style butt (pork shoulder). ½ cup cooking sherry.

Directions: Place the water, sauce, pepper jack, sugar, salt, and flour into a very large bowl. Mix thoroughly. Place the dough into a greased cake pan. Given the size of the dough, you may need to find a larger pan, such as one used for the production of wedding cakes. Cook at 375 °F for 40 minutes (or until deep brown). Pour in ¼ cup of cooking sherry every 20 minutes. While the pizza cooks, prepare the bacon, ham, and pork shoulder to your preferences or not at all. Once the pizza is removed from the oven, place the bacon, ham, and pork shoulder onto or into it. Serve either to domesticated or wild hogs. Feeds up to ten, but a single hog can do the job, if properly motivated.

Name: “The Afternoon Delight”

Ingredients: 3 cups flour. 2 cups hot tap water. 2 teaspoons of sugar. 3 teaspoons Kosher salt. 1 cup spaghetti sauce. 1 pound of cheddar cheese. 2 packets of dry salami. 1 packet of pepperoni. 3 cups of diced pineapple. At least 1 adult cooking partner.

Directions: Spend ten minutes trying to find a damn bowl while your cooking partner watches with the occasional dismissive glance. Locate the bowl, realize you haven’t cleaned it since last October. Shrug. Stick the flour, water, sugar, and salt in the bowl. Mix as best you can. Your partner notices that you’re struggling to mix the thick dough. They come over to help, brushing gently against your shoulder. Your hands press together, the warm dough squeezing into the tight gaps between your palms. Suddenly, your eyes lock, a hungry chill runs down your spine. Without warning, your eager lips meet, the fullness of their body pressing breathlessly into you. Then either fall to the floor or place your partner on the kitchen counter, preferably on top of the dough. Cook at your desired temperature for as long as you can. Later, notice that the salami, pineapple, and cheddar have all gone bad. Throw them away. Shrug.

Name: “The Perfect Pizza”

Ingredients: ½ pound ground beef. 1 slice of Monterey jack cheese. 2 leaves of iceberg lettuce. 1 slice of red beefsteak tomato. 2 grilled sections of a red onion. 3 thin slices of a dill pickle. ¼ teaspoon salt. ¼ teaspoon pepper. ½ tablespoon yellow mustard. ½ tablespoon tomato ketchup. 2 sesame seed wheat buns. 21 ounces of cola. 8 medium sized ice cubes.

Directions: Do the math, geniuses.

Name: “Mom’s ‘Fill-em-Up’ Classic”

Ingredients: 5 handfuls of warm river water. A Parmigiano Reggiano wheel. 6 tomatoes taken from the back garden. A torn sack of sugar bartered from a neighbor. An overpriced bag of yeast from the market. Whatever flour you can find. Too many pinches of salt. Lard taken from your childhood pig. Aged meat from dad’s smokehouse. Clumpy spices from an unspecified region of India. A sense of guilt and unfocused longing that you’ll never make it as good as your mother.

Directions: Remember how, when you’d come walking home from working in the orchards with your four brothers—all of you blistered and burned by the life-giving hatemonger sun—you could smell the wafting aroma of mama’s gift drifting out of the crumbling walls of your too-small home. Remember how, as the youngest sibling, you were always served last. Remember how mama, seeing you try your best to hold back tears at the dinner table, would sometimes slip you one of her pieces when no one was looking. Most importantly, never evendream of making “Mom’s ‘Fill-em-Up’ Classic,” so that you’ll always remember the last time you ate it with her.

At the time of writing, A Slice of Yours is still accepting submissions for their upcoming cookbook, Everything Goes on Pizza