Long Way Down

Long Way Down

Mei Yuk Wong

92 days ago

“Can you give me a bit more money this month, please?” Ai asked me when I arrived at the flat. I said, “I don’t have much money left. I always give two thirds of my salary to my wife.” “Your wife is a big spender, you should reduce her allowance! You don’t even have sex with her!” she said. I asked, “Why you need more money? I just gave you $1000 last week.” Ai started to cry and I tried to comfort her. “Don’t cry, my dear. I’ll get some cash from the bank tomorrow.”

Ai smiled, “Thank you darling. Come and see what I’ve cooked for you tonight.” She showed me a dish of stir-fried crabs with ginger and spring onions. “Wow, looks delicious and smells wonderful! I wish my wife can cook like you do.” “Well, that’s one of the differences between me and your ugly wife! You know I can offer you much more.” Ai started to kiss my forehead. My heart melted and felt warm. This is the thing that I never get at home. I must save some more money for Ai and reduce the allowance for Fong.

“Darling, I have good news to tell you.” Ai said to me while I was munching the crabs. “Good news? Yes, tell me what it is.”

“You’ll be a father soon.” I didn’t expect that. “Oh, my dear… what shall we do?” Ai kissed me again and said, “Divorce your stupid wife and marry me!” I wasn’t sure what to do and put the down the crabs. “Let me think out a proper plan.”

That’s the only thing that I can promise Ai for the time being. To be a father again…… should I be excited? How am I going to tell Fong and get her to agree to a divorce? How can I afford to support two families with my little salary? Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite for my favourite dish. Have I got myself into a crap situation, again?

18 years ago

One day, after playing mahjong with Fong’s family, Fong said to me, “My sister is going to get married in December. What should we do?” “Attend their wedding I suppose.” I said. “Not just this, stupid man! I mean us.” She almost screamed. I didn’t get it, “Us? What about us?” Then she said, “We should get married too.” “OK, if you like. I need to ask my parents,” I replied.

“Yes, ask your parents to prepare the money for our wedding. You know my parents passed away already. Don’t expect me to have any dowry,” Fong said to me.

“Sure, my parents will be pleased and pay for everything,” I said without much thought.

“In fact, we better get married before the child is born. It’s better.” Fong reminded me that our child is going to be born next January.

“We don’t have much time. We need to plan our wedding now!” Fong looked a bit more excited. Should I be excited too?

I don’t mind. As long as my parents pay for it and Fong organises it. I’ll just listen to them. Do whatever they like. Everything will be fine. We can see how Fong’s sister prepares their wedding and we can just copy it. Easy, peasy!

“What are you thinking about?” Fong hit my shoulder and I came back from my thoughts, and I said, “I’m just wondering if we can just follow your sister’s wedding plan.” Fong gave me a look. “Lazy bones! We should have our own style! Let me look for a wedding dress tomorrow. You should start looking for a wedding ring for me too. Something that’s not too cheap, ok?”

I replied, “Sure, whatever you like. What about me? What should I wear?”

“Just hire something cheap but look decent. Anyway, you’ll never wear a suit again. Don’t bother too much.”

That was the plan. Eighteen years ago. Why would we get married? I shouldn’t sleep with Fong… It was a mistake. I never feel I’m a proper husband or a father, not even a proper son. Everybody looks down upon me. I was an unwanted child. My mother wanted to get rid of me by taking a lot of Chinese herbs. I was born with all sorts of problems, not as clever as my younger brother. Am I a nuisance to everyone? The world doesn’t need me, does it?

Now

13 13 seconds. Faster than any roller coaster. I’m falling down the lift shaft. All 34 floors…

12 Am I dreaming…? Is this really happening…? Time rewinds…

11 There is a sign, OUT OF ORDER, next to the lift.

10 Fong, Dan, Ai and I are there. Did they push me down the lift shaft, or did I just fall? Why would any one of them do that?

9 My life flicks by. Floor after floor tumbles by. Fong and I get married, Dan is born soon after. Ai, my new lover tells me she’s pregnant… Then, the fight… outside the lift…

8 Was it Fong? She tried to kill herself. I saved her from the harbour. It couldn’t be her! But she was paranoid and threatened to kill me, Ai and herself. Yes, Fong was holding a knife and chased us out of the flat to the lift…

7 Was it Dan? He always hated me. He never spoke to me, only asked for money to get gadgets, drugs or whatever. He was a grown man now, absolutely capable of killing me if he wanted. But he was my son! Was he?

6 Was it even Ai? She asked me to leave Fong and marry her, so that she could have proper status in Hong Kong and start a family. Was she just like any other woman from mainland China? I was only her stepping stone. Was she really pregnant?

5 I’ve signed life insurance papers. Who will benefit? Fong, Dan or Ai? All three!

4 First, we were in the flat, then we were outside the lift. Shouting, lots of shouting, swearing and screaming. A knife. Running, chasing, rushing, all four of us skidding to the lift. The doors flick open. Being pushed. Sweat sliding down the palms of my hands.

3 Was I trying to escape from the knife? Or to protect Ai from Fong?

2 13 seconds… I’m only 39.

1 Is it just an accident? Whatever, whoever, I know I was never wanted in this world.