13 minute read
Transnational Third Culture Kid Filmmakers
O
nce in a while, a film captures my attention that I want to share
We live in a world that doesn’t yet truly accommodate to the human-pet bond. People who aren’t able-bodied with furry helpers and those who simply want to bring their furry friends out often have a restricted selection of public places to choose from. TCKs have shared with me that only certain airports have “restrooms” for pets of passengers traveling with them.
When I finally became a homeowner, free from pet rules for renters, and I knew my son was ready, we began the search for a dog. After various visits at shelters and with pet owners, one visit felt right. It was the visit that led me to my first dog ever: a black and white Bichon Frise and Collie mutt resembling a childhood TV favorite. We adopted him from a man who hated that he had to give him away due to moving.
We named him Papirazzi, because he would follow us everywhere. Eventually, “Papi” just stuck.
Having a dog was new for this TCK, as I had never had a pet before. Having Papi brought new horizons internally while on the outside, I stayed in one location. I got to experience a taste of what people who grow up in one place can have.
with my transnational audience. Other times, life itself beckons and my attention is captured in a real-life slow motion scene.
One such scene is my reflection on a profound love that Third Culture Kids (TCKs) can gain from having pets, yet may not have the luxury to experience.
Most of what I’ll share applies to pets in general, but I’ll be sharing from my heart about my first dog, my dear Papi.
TCKs often don’t have the luxury of growing up with a pet. Beyond budget, space and time for pets, most global nomads have additional factors to consider: the frequency of relocations, the risk of not having stable or predictable pet health care and the possibility of summer-long absences to add to the list of out-of-town holiday trips.
In his puppy years, Papi would chew on a few items belonging to my son when we were both out of the house. Fortunately, we only had to reinforce his pottytraining. My son and I often played chase with Papi. He would dart around the house with so much vigor. Outside, Papi would chase birds in the backyard, at parks and on the beach.
Having Papi brought new horizons internally while on the outside, I stayed in one location.
Papi became my son’s best friend and a member of our family. As Papi got a little older, he would escape from our back yard to roam around the neighborhood. My son and I would try different tricks to bring Papi back in the house or simply pick him up after he was done with his adventures.
Papi would come on rides to pick up my son, from primary school all the way up to when he took college entrance exams. I would bring him to dog-friendly restaurants in a nearby city. We brought Papi on an out-of-state trip once with the family, where we discovered he loved being around snow.
As a first-time dog mom, I know I made mistakes like initially keeping Papi off beds. Over time, however, the bond between my son and Papi helped the family expand where Papi was welcomed. This expansion is only symbolic of what Papi eventually taught me.
Three moments demonstrated to me how dogs deserve dignity, respect and reverence for the way they each showcase their instincts through their unique personalities:
1) The moment Papi’s herding instincts kicked in in our own backyard.
My son and I watched Papi become himself while running repetitively in figure-eights. He was trying to round up squirrels. It was as if the sun rose on his personality, which emerged even more. We had become a bit worried about Papi’s escapes. It turns out he was just growing into his instinctive purpose. It also explained how he enjoyed some of his interactions with the family.
Photo courtesy Myra Dumapias
2) The moment I first witnessed Papi showing adamance at staying outside when I was ready to go back in the house.
Papi was just soaking up the sun on our wooden deck in our backyard. I was worried about something I had to do or someplace I had to go. Papi sat straight up with his head held higher and demonstrated he would not move even if I tried to make him. He would later do the same during our multiple car rides together.
In his older years, when he could no longer jump to the back of the car, he would display his adamance on bike trailer rides. When he was not ready to end what he was enjoying, he would simply stay to soak up the moment some more. It was not Papi being stubborn. He was showing dignity and the right to make choices for himself. 3) The moment Papi stopped asking for permission to enter my mother’s room the week she was dying.
Over the years, Papi always looked up for permission before entering my mom’s room. We were making sure his or our other dog’s fur didn’t end up on the floor or floating in the air. My mom’s post-stroke health required full 24-hour caregiving, including tube-feeding and diaper changes. She was also uninsured after my parents retired from the Foreign Service.
Papi respected my mom’s needs, especially after she went into home hospice for over a year. During the week before my mom took her last breath, however, Papi instinctively entered my mom’s room without asking for permission. He stayed under her hospital bed until the day she passed away. It was as if Papi was in vigil through her transition.
I didn’t know how deeply I had fallen in love with Papi as a family member but the love is much deeper than I expected it to be. I write this from a place of
Photo courtesy Myra Dumapias grieving Papi because as of this writing, we had to put him to sleep four days ago to release him from physical suffering and maintain his dignity.
He seemed to hold on as long as he could or until the remaining family member, mainly I, was ready.
It was one of the hardest things I have had to do.
The way Papi lived his life taught me profound lessons as a TCK.
Papi showed me:
DON’T BE AFR AID TO BE YOURSELF AND LET YOUR PURPOSE COME OUT.
Being lost in our instincts and intuition, unlike how our society often plays it to be less valuable than Western science, can be more valuable. At times, instincts and intuition allow us to release more of ourselves and they are not to be hidden or be ashamed of. When Papi’s herding instincts came out, it deepened our appreciation for him and added to the dimensions of his personality. Papi integrated his instincts in how he played with us and protected us. When we allowed Papi space to be himself, it added to our bond with him.
As TCKs, we know that we never had much time to make friends, but we bonded from being exactly who we were. As
understand or appreciate you for being yourself. Don’t chase those who only make you fit in the environment just to conform. An environment is only made richer when we each are uniquely who we are. Your purpose, which you discover when you are yourself, can benefit others.
LIVE WITH MINDFULNESS OF EACH MOMENT AND KEEP THINGS SIMPLE.
As my son mentioned in our talk last night remembering Papi, dogs live simply and are always in the moment. Humans are distracted day-to-day by deadlines, social media, important events, increasing income, creating then paying off bills, updating our cars when our last one was fine, etc. Papi enjoyed simple things like relaxing to soak up the sun and car rides. His only focus was being loyal to my son and the rest of the family.
While Papi showed consciousness of accountability or guilt, and sometimes demanded to be noticed, he was never mad back at me for times I got mad at him. Papi forgave the instances where we didn’t make enough time for him. Papi’s priority was simply enjoying more time with my son as his primary buddy and the family in each moment he had with us.
TCKs learn the importance of bonding while growing up because we say goodbye to dear friends so many times. As adults, remember to cherish bonds and connections in each moment before they pass. Increasingly, we seem to be discovering it is toxic to have pride in being busy. Remember to stay human with needs for connection and let go of pressure to make or have more when it compromises this human need.
DON’T BE AFR AID TO FORM INTIMACY AND BE VULNER ABLE UNTIL THE VERY END.
Being close to someone can be scary because the process usually involves a great deal of vulnerability. The other person can choose to reject or criticize you.
Whether in friendships, romantic relationships or leadership roles, people experience this vulnerability. Papi provided a bond where it was safe to be our complete selves, mistakes, ugly days and all and still be loved. Papi provided a space where it was safe to be vulnerably intimate. He grew so in tune with what was happening in our family despite our mistakes.
While dogs have the survival capacity to protect themselves from potential harm, such as abusive persons, their unconditional love thrives among those they trustingly bond with. I may have never let my guard down completely with most friends I have made in my life so far.
With Papi, however, I could count on being myself and Papi remaining loyal to me. As an only child, Papi may have been the closest I’ve had to a sibling, if siblings love unconditionally.
Photo courtesy Myra Dumapias
With all the grief TCKs experience in a lifetime and especially during the developmental years, we deserve to experience a love where it is safe to be vulnerable. Many of us TCKs may have experienced being loved for just being ourselves in international communities.
I remember growing up surrounded by adults and kids grieving friends or family members they had to leave behind or who left them behind. In such spaces, people often connect on a deeper, vulnerable level with a shared connection of loss. I hope my TCK readers have experienced safe vulnerability. May you share it as adults.
THE MAIN LESSON: LOVE PURELY.
Out of all the lessons Papi taught me, the overarching lesson is this: Love purely. In the way Papi only wanted more time with us through all the above ways he loved us, it brought out the pure love I felt I had as a child growing up with constant transnational goodbyes. Even though I knew the pain I would likely experience again and again, again and again I tried making new genuine connections. I would also hold on to those connections until the very end.
From my childhood to early teens, it seemed to be OK if my personality was not perfect. My friends and I all forgave each other and grew together. It was
only later in my last two years of high school I learned that even some friends weren’t as loyal or patient as I had known.
Papi reminded me that it was OK to not be perfect and that I would learn. His patience allowed for me to grow into a more graceful dog mom.
As an adult, after a major move away from a community I thrived in, I learned that people can suddenly disappear, can sabotage your reputation, aren’t always genuine and can be fickle.
In one relationship, I learned a narcissist can be so manipulative that they go so far as enforcing their own version of reality and try to alter others’ memories. I also learned later that community narcissists exist, cause damage when they feel their ego threatened and also try to alter memories.
Photo courtesy Myra Dumapias
As a TCK, memories are all I have. Papi’s loyal love was a refuge for what I have experienced after my move.
There were times I’d witness our dogs wait at the door my son left out of and stay there waiting in anticipation or with vigilance from elsewhere in the house. If humans were to do that or otherwise be as loyal as dogs, we would be considered “losers.” However, who are the ones who truly lose out?
When I hear people speaking about regrets at funerals or on their deathbed, a common theme is regret for not spending enough time with loved ones.
As an empath myself, I prefer connections where people are willing to be genuine and vulnerable. This is not synonymous with tolerance for abuse. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I gravitate toward people who are sensitive and instinctively or intuitively pick up on energy that is not genuine. I learned to recognize energy from liars and manipulative people.
Part of dogs’ instincts are to protect themselves from harm or people that are not trustworthy. One can be vulnerable yet protect oneself.
Pure love just means not being afraid to be genuine enough to fulfill a deep desire to give it your all and risk getting hurt by people you choose to trust. Papi, like most dogs, cannot fake or hide love, excitement or interest. If more people were genuine this way, there would be less hurt along the way of navigating who suits us and who doesn’t.
At the end of some days, I feel frustrated I wasn’t so productive. After having Papi in our lives, however, the person that I was when I was a child with multiple goodbyes and the person I remain as an adult comes out again and again. I am a human being who also just wants more time with loved ones.
All the community organizing and activism I get involved in is founded on how not all of us have the freedom to be themselves and enjoy time with loved ones. My family at times have not always had this option. If I didn’t need to work, waiting
Pet Adoption Resources
Pets are often a great source of love and consistency for the lives of in-betweeners including Third Culture Kids (TCKs) and Domestic Third Culture Kids (DTCKs) and others who constantly are geographically mobile.
Consider the value pets can add to the life of your family or child who would benefit from the love and stability. It’s a serious consideration that deserves a lot of thought before taking action.
Petfinders.com has a great checklist on what to consider when adopting: • What expectations do you have for pet ownership? Do you expect a constant companion, travel buddy, running mate? • Do you have a plan for your new pet around travel? • For young animals, do you have the time and patience for house-breaking, chewing and high energy? • Do you have other pets? How will they react to a new pet? • What do you expect your pet to contribute to your life? • Is your living space well-suited for a pet? • What type and size pet would suit the other people who live in or visit your home regularly? • How will your social life or work obligations affect your ability to care for a pet? • Have you created a realistic budget including costs like routine care, health issues, accidents or illness? Scan here or visit: www.cultursmag.com/ Pet-adoption-resources
