MAGAZINE
Life Artistry. Deep Connection. WINTER + SPRING TWENTY EIGHTEEN
Welcome
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hank you for being here. I am thrilled to have you join us. To feel and see and sense in every way what you hold in your hands in full presence.
So before you begin … slow your soul. Settle into your body. Take a deep breath in … sip in just a little more. Now let it go. Let it all go. Breathe out everything that is keeping you from being fully present in this moment. Take another breath in. Set the intention to experience this moment, and the next, and the next, in its fullest form. Breathe out. Relax. You are safe. You are loved. You are. Give yourself permission to be fully present.
What do you hold in your hands? C Within Magazine—an offering and an invitation to explore and dream; to see within, to see your inner world through the outer beauty, ideas, and reflection found within these pages. To see your Soul, its depth, its strength, its worthiness, its creativity, its beauty and grace.
C Within is a call to engage with your energy and your fire in the belly. Grant yourself permission to explore your fire and your passion. Stoke it. Tend to it. Unwind and unfurl it from the center outward as a gift to the world in its fullest expression. C Within is a place to connect with people who are being their fullest expression. Who are opening up new ways to share with the world and to connect with those who are drawn to them and what they have to offer. C Within is a place for conversation and contemplation for growth and deeper understanding of full presence, awareness, balance, alignment, self-expression and gratitude.
C Within is a place to center within … express and receive gifts of wisdom and beauty. It is an attempt to give back to the world a measure of what we take from it daily. In Gratitude and Munay, Kristine Wilkerson Center Within Expressive & Healing Arts cwithin.com
CREATORS & CONTRIBUTORS
publisher / EDITOR : Kristine Wilkerson
Writers : Deanna Byck Lena Morgan Mark Wilkerson
CONTRIBUTING Editor : Deanna Byck
Guest Editors : Mark Wilkerson Diana Bertoldo
Design & Art Direction : Ronda Taylor, heartworkpublishing.com Kristine Wilkerson
Photography : Martien Bakens, belight.photography (Unless noted otherwise)
Photo Editors : Martien Bakens Ronda Taylor
Printer : Aspen Press & Packaging, aspenpress.com
Other Contributors : Hair & Makeup: Julia Vinha, julia.vinha@gmail.com Denise Christensen, dcmakeup.com
Cover Image by :
Mark Bates, Chief Beauty Officer
CONTENT
08.
Kristine Wilkerson— At The Heart of Center Within
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A Tale of Two Artists— An Interview With Mark Bates
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Shape Shifting— Rosalie Battah, Artistry Taking Form
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The Soul of Anna Wilson The Drive of Anna Wilson
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Martien Bakens— Consciousness Through a Lens
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Dayle Spencer— Full Life, Full Heart
06. Sacred Reading
34. the power of story
46. sacred share
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sacred reading
The Fifth Tarot — Guidance From the Elements Ether: The Alchemy card invites you to blend the energies at hand to bring out the best in whatever you direct your attention towards. Focus on your higher aspirations and use your ancient knowledge of Alchemy to create the perfect blend. This may be in business, with family or on any level. It also suggests a time of cooperation. A ir: One of Feathers, Divine Mind encourages you to use your inner guidance and intellect for the question at hand. Stand back to see the greatest perspective and the greatest good for all. Analyzing and assessing an issue with the fine discernment that comes from inner knowing is one of your abilities. Coming from the heart, use the power of the intellect wisely, as your thoughts create whatever you focus your attention on. F ire: Five of Fire, Transformation when the Five of Fire flares up, get ready for powerful shifts in energy to occur. These energetic shifts create major opportunities for transformation in your life, making way for new visions of the world in which you live. Be aware of the prevailing influences in your life and work with them as agents for change. You have the ability to reinvent yourself in ways that support the collective consciousness emerging at this time. Add your own creative flare to whatever projects you are working on and add your passionate voice to bring positive change to the world at large. Water: Three of Shells, Celebration announces a time of rejoicing and celebrating life to the fullest. It indicates a time of festivity that may be connected to a birth or any event that brings happiness and good fortune. Abundance and joy are the reward of emotional and spiritual healing. Be open to receiving these gifts with love and gratitude. Earth: Three of Stones, Community in a reading asks you to apply your creativity towards a project that will benefit the greater good. This may be an artistic endeavor that involves beautifying the community in some way. It may be a communal project that improves the well-being of many, a social contribution for the betterment of humanity. Now is the time to put creative ideas into concrete form. This is a good time to begin building towards something that has lasting value. From this reading we see the offering of the balanced Alchemy of magic in our lives. Through divine mind; sourcing from the wisdom from the body (gut reaction), connected to the heart and a compassionate view, to our inner knowing through intuition, we have deeper understanding of our current place in life. This leads to transformation and heightened creativity, aligned with authenticity. We are now in a place of celebration and honoring. Deeper awareness and peace are available with balance in the emotions. Leading to grounding all of this magic into sharing and collaboration with community. Sweet! —Kristine Wilkerson Used with permission from The Fifth Tarot, written by Martien and Teressena Bakens; Illustrated by Teressena Bakens, thefifthtarot.com
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Kristine Wilkerson —
At the Heart of Center Within BY: lena morgan
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ristine is an artist, healer, mentor, guide, and manifestation consultant. I love the way she describes herself: “…a bridge between the unconscious (where we hold unhealed stories); the super-conscious (where we discover unlimited potential); and our conscious physical world (where we manifest).”
She says some of her clients come with great clarity, knowing what is calling them. They feel the fire in their belly. Ideas and excitement are abundant, but what eludes them is how to bring their visions, desires, and dreams into reality. Other clients, not so much; their focus is on what others want. The pattern of not following their truth has created a cloud of confusion, overwhelm, dissatisfaction, and frustration. They are stuck. They say: “I don’t even know what I want … how can I possibly know how to move forward, where to even start.” The main desire for every human is how to find freedom, fulfillment, peace, and joy. Kristine believes “success is in our presence”.
I ask Kristine to tell me a little bit about her work and her clients. She looks pensive and then she launches: There is a misperception that there is a right way and a wrong way to live life. I don’t believe that. For me, there is no right or wrong. There is just the way. Through our thoughts, feelings, and inner knowing we are drawn to what uniquely excites us. And this excitement, this zest and enlivenment, directs authentic choice.
l iv e l if e t o a l l o f it s juicy, l us cio us e d g e s
We’ve gotten away from listening to what we truly want and aligning our actions with what we know to be true for us as individuals; as Creators. Instead, we source from the outside world and from other people’s agendas for whether we are living our life ‘the right way’. We do this falsely believing that is what is required to be accepted, admired, and loved. We move out of alignment with who we really are and what we know to be truth for ourselves. As these misalignments become pattern, our authentic way is lost. To cover our fear, disappointment, and pain we withdraw from the bounty of our full presence. We live in the past regretful and we swirl in fear and worry about the future. We mask and medicate these misalignments.
Utilizing expressive and healing arts, Kristine and her clients launch on a journey of exploration to attain freedom and joy in their lives. The process she describes as fun, creative, informative, supported, enlightened, and all about being in alignment. She uses the word Ayni and explains it is a Quechua word meaning “right relationship, reciprocity, and alignment”. It strikes me that when she speaks of right relationship she speaks first of right relationship with the Self. As a healing artist, Kristine’s array of gifts map where clients are, where they want to go, obstacles and blocks in their way; clearing the path for embodiment of a new blueprint. This allows manifestation of the desired
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outcome. She trained in energy medicine with the Four Winds Society. Her shamanic medicine is connected directly to the Peruvian and Amazonian Shamans and the ancient wisdom. She is a Holy Fire Usui and Karuna Master. On the business front, she taps her 30+ years of experience in both the legal field and the running of an art and design gallery. These life experiences merge to provide insight in Life Artistry. The design and creation of a fully expressed life.
expressive art in all forms to allow one to play at life with ease and grace. Breathe that in, play at life … when did you stop playing at life? When was your artistry tucked away and silenced at the hands of learned behaviors and the judgment of others? “We are our greatest artistry. Let’s dream the world we truly desire into being.” These words void of fear offer us the permission to show up and explore the vision and dreams we have for ourselves. These words are elevating agents, ripples from her pebble tossed into the pond of community that resonate deeply.
“Judgment paralyzes artistry,” Kristine told me as we spoke about this creative space. Center Within uses
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Center Within offers space to explore the elements of our lives, the heartbeat of our genius, and the subtle ways in which we can tap into them. The space and the land upon which Center Within lives in Huntsville, UT is sacred. It is cared for. It is loved. The core of this also lives in Seattle on Alki Beach. Through the sacred tools employed by the community that gathers in these spaces, there is stillness from the chaos. There is an opportunity to tap into the quiet, subtle knowing of the connection that exists when you are in Ayni, giving and receiving, manifesting and allowing reciprocity. There is Art in all of its forms, all the time. This is Center Within.
C Within is the magazine you are reading. It is a celebration of all things Art and Artistry. It is a tool showing by example, article by article, and artist by artist “the way”. The way of the brush, the way of the writer, the way of the singer, dancer, poet, sculptor, healer … the way of the fearless dreamer. C Within is at its core an invitation to each of us to become OUR FULLEST EXPRESSION free of judgment and fear; to dance and sing and paint and vision and in these acts of creation be and live a life of artistry, authenticity, liberation, and ultimate joy. Read on, play on, “live life to all of its juicy, luscious edges.” CW
heartbeat of the sacred drum Connecting to the primordial heartbeat in a song of joyful gratitude. Alaskan Native artists (a father and daughter) ceremonially created this sacred drum. Buffalo hide stretched on each side of a cedar frame bring the archetypical energies of the Grandmother and the Grandfather, Ancient Wisdom Keepers, into present day.
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alignment, machu picchu Photo Credit: Cindy Minier
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Photo Credit: Kristine Wilkerson
within the crystal
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Bella Muse Art Gallery
Shanna Kunz ✧ Tributary, 28x36
A place where art, emotion and passion find one
another in an intimate
and visual experience. A
different way of bringing the artist and collector together!
Elizabeth Robbins ✧ Indian Summer II, 24x28
101 Historic 25th St. - Ogden, UT bellamusegallery.com - 385-399-7969 bellamusegallery@gmail.com
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A Tale of Two Artists — An Interview with Mark Bates BY: DEANNA BYCK
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stood quietly in the middle of Mark Bates’ fifteenacre property trying to take in my surroundings. “See that breeze?” Mark asked me. “Think about the wind – look at it on the grass. That is seeing the breeze,” Mark explained. “Feeling it on your face that’s the caress.” We stood for a while taking it in—the view of golden alfalfa contrasting tall granite-grey mountains and the sound of the creek bubbling around. “Are we lucky here? Can you believe we are in this spot, in this moment? What is that? How can we be that fortunate? That’s how I feel all the time,” Mark said. His property has a heartbeat in the creek that sustains life in trees and vegetation. It’s this land and his connection to the earth that inspires his work.
Other than being a keeper for the land, Mark and I discussed what he does daily to realize his creative expression. “I go outside. I like to be in the beauty that surrounds me. Because I live by a mountain resort that has an extensive trail system, I mountain bike and trail run as often as possible. The area is still wild enough to allow for moose encounters and spotting mountain lion tracks in the snow. I may return physically tired, but I am always mentally stimulated and filled with a sense of well-being. In my three-sided glass home office my
When Mark determines the site of a home, it is important to be aware of light, wind, views, setting, and the inherent wildlife. “This land is sacred—it’s the earth, and I am mindful of that.” Even on properties as large as 100 acres, Mark will walk the entire acreage although the building site may only affect five acres in order that he understands and feels that piece of the earth. Clients are connected to the property for a variety of reasons and Mark’s intention is to connect the land with an emotional response to their home. He does this in a variety of ways using an array of materials. To integrate the exterior with the interior Mark allows for an abundant amount of natural light through the use of glass. In Mark’s view, you must factor in all these things, “A house is for your heart and soul and how you perceive the space around you and your place in it. The integration of all those things—that’s where your heartbeat is.”
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favorite time to design is in the late evening when the sky gets into those deep colors. It is the time that I’m in tune, and I have complete focus on what I’m doing. I am fully engaged for those hours.”
thing and we work together to ensure that the house be a part of the land, the ground it sits on, the angles, the views and how it honors the land.” There is another side to Mark the artist. He is a painter on a scale significantly smaller than the homes he creates. When we talked about creating the true expression of oneself, Mark’s ability to go deep within his subconscious expands the boundaries of creativity. There is a dichotomy between the precise lines of his architecture filled with light and big open spaces and the fluidity of his small-scale paintings filled with rivers of molten colors that are deep, intense and opaque. People can easily see though structures, glass and even fireplaces into other spaces and rooms in the houses that he designs.
I asked Mark when he knew he wanted to be an architect? “Yesterday,” he told me. I knew he was half joking, but it surprised me. I wanted to know if his decision to design was influenced by his passionate devotion to the earth—was it conscious or subconscious? I want to believe that it is his desire to be a “part of the land” and to approach it with deference and awe. For many people, the “Art of Architecture” is placing things on the earth in a specific and sensitive way that is in line and in tune with nature. He explained, “My clients want a certain 16
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It lends a notion of transparency that is absent from the paintings. The paintings are comprised of fierce imagery and layers of colors and shades that force the viewer to dig deep into their own subconscious to reveal the spirituality and dream-like scenes on the clay board. But once they are exposed, it’s difficult to ignore the intention and symbolism. Spirits of Mother Earth and the Paternal Sky, elements of water, fire, wind and even dragons and other mythical beings come alive on his boards. And here is the full circle of Mark Bates—his “big art” architecture exposes us to the earth and his “small art” paintings are a portal to his inner creativity.
The more time you spend with them the more you will find pieces to the puzzle,” Mark told me. It’s true. The more time I spent looking at them, the pieces revealed stories, visions and spirituality. I also found that through his art/architecture Mark creates space that is the fullest expression of who he is. Luckily for us, he does so with freedom of the mind, passion of the soul, and deep respect for the land. CW markdesigninc.com
“I am unable to repeat the same color palettes and images that flow out of my brush onto the clay board. 17
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works of art Architectural photos: Marc Estabrook estabrookphotography.com Painting photos: Mark Bates markdesigninc.com
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Wind The wind Can be touched The wind Can be tasted The wind Can be aroma The wind Can be felt The wind Can be heard The wind Can be seen Pretty easy Try all of them at the same time And then there is A gentle breeze That caress can be As sensual As the most tender Human touch And As elusive — Mark Bates
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Shape Shifting —
Rosalie Battah, Artistry Taking Form BY: LENA E MORGAN
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and to trust in themselves and their power. As a mentor, she guides them into expanded awareness of themselves, their capabilities, and their unlimited potential. As a healer, trained in Reiki and energetic tools, she helps her clients shape shift their physical and spiritual realities.
iquid glass on the end of a 5-foot-long constantly spinning steel pipe is molten, malleable, strong, delicate and damned dangerous. Only the skilled glass blower can begin to control it; move it, shape it, and bring its strong inner core to light at the edges of its delicate skin. This is Art achieved through intense heat, physical strength and grace. Enter Rosalie Battah; professional glass blower and yoga master. As she tells me in our first interview, “2200-degree glass is the consistency of honey; sticky, messy and big fun to play with!” OK, big fun if you happen to be Rosalie Battah.
Rosalie’s life has been rich in experience and learning. From early life as an athlete and scholar, to graduation from the Rhode Island School of Design, to Seattle and
Rosalie is an athlete by disposition, and a glass blower by training. She is a glass artist, yoga teacher, mentor, and healer by passionate choice. Strength and surety of movement are imperative to the delicate dance of glass taking new form. One slip and, well, remember 2200 degrees. Rosalie must be as fluid and adaptable as the material with which she works. Rosalie’s art is both metaphor and mirror for the shape shifting work she performs in a dance of strength and trust with herself and her clients. Authentic in her knowing and affinity for listening, Rosalie expands what is possible as she, herself, learns to embody the dimensional roles of artist, yoga teacher, healer and mentor. By remaining strong, flexible, delicate, and sometimes nearly as molten as her glass, Rosalie has found and continues to find her true and fullest expression. As a glass artist, she guides the raw, liquid elements of glass into delicate fierce, beautiful, and playful shapes. As a Forrest Yoga Teacher, she encourages her clients to explore their inner depths, to take on poses of strength,
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to shatter self-imposed boundaries and limitations. She now shares this process in a yoga mentorship series customized for clients to shatter their own glass ceilings. Rosalie’s next glass exhibit is entitled Shape Shifting. Once again, she will utilize her strong core of yoga practice to draw the art from the core of the glass. She will weave her healing energies into each piece even as she brings all of her strength into the magic of blowing a delicate creation from a spinning orb.
her nine years as an artist at the famed Chihuly glass blowing studio, Rosalie’s cache of expressive tools has evolved. Her expansion into training and certification in Forrest Yoga, and into the expressive and healing arts have led Rosalie to create her own extraordinary body of glasswork, her own business, and her own healing practice. And they all overlap in near seamless synergy. Rosalie learns as she teaches. She teaches as she learns. As she weaves into a yoga retreat her deep knowing of energetic principles, the healing energy infuses her glass creations. This synergy allows her to forge new ways to achieve her goals, and those of her clients, both human and glass.
As Rosalie says, “the process of energetic and physical shape shifting is just like glass blowing. It is messy and sticky, peppered with doubt and mystery. It takes great strength. But with intention and commitment, the authentic client can be revealed just as can the authentic art piece.” The Shape Shifting exhibit as well as her yoga mentorship series bearing the same name most certainly will enlighten.
Rosalie values the innate physical wisdom held within the body. She values core strength, intuition, inner knowing, calculated risk, and trust. In yoga Rosalie teaches, “Focus on Breath, Strength, Integrity and Spirit. Use these elements to face fears, strengthen the body, connect to spirit, and learn to move in trust and integrity.” Then she brings these tools and energies to her glass studio. She breathes, stands tall and strong, faces the furnace and blows. The glass flows smooth and brilliant.
For Rosalie Battah, the truth will be revealed, at the end of a spinning steel rod or at the end of an intense yogic healing session. CW rosaliebattah.com
As she prepared for her recent glass exhibit, entitled “Shatter”, Rosalie found wisdom from her own struggles
Photo Credit: Alix Cannon
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depth of CLARITY Clear glass shows depth and clarity. It refracts light, magnifies images, and exhibits the naked beauty of the material in its purest form. Photo Credit: Ian Lewis
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Photo Credit: Doug Broadbent
full expression Whether practicing or teaching yoga; working with yantra, mantra, or mudra; blowing glass or painting; engaged in a healing session for herself or for clients; Rosalie through full presence becomes her greatest expression.
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Center Within
The beauty of morning Fills me with grace The shadows and sorrows The light erase
I laugh at myself How crazy is that When Spirit is guiding And this is my path
Touched with wonder At the magic of it all Communing with Spirit My heart feels the call
Our lives are shaped by The questions we ask So what are the queries To get my life on task
Yes I will answer How can I not Aligned with my knowing The pathway is sought
Not as a struggle But filled with delight My talents and passion Given permission of flight
Judgment and illusion Games that I play To cover the “not enough” And keep fear at bay
Full presence I get it The key to the door Allowing growth and expansion The freedom I adore
How long will I twirl In these crazy diversions Playing it safe With self-created delusions
Activation required It’s time to move in To know the power that’s held At the Center Within
— Kristine Wilkerson —
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the power of story
The Perfect Enso BY: Mark wilkerson
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he line stretched for miles. From the ceremonial dais on the circular landing below the final seven of the 300 Palace steps, it wound down, then wove through the 300 stones in the garden, each painstakingly selected and placed (the mountain of the immortal, the turtle of calm, the pillar of enlightenment, and the great crane of freedom) in all of their varied interactions. The line trailed around and around the 300 rings of the labyrinth, and finally snaked out through the tiny gilt-edged doorway in the monstrous portcullis and into the street beyond. The street itself sang out with the furious yet muted cries of vendors, the rhythmic yet random clicking and clacking of looms hurriedly making the ritual prayer flags, the low thrumming rumble of barrows wheeling water jugs to those so long waiting in line. But this noise, as though by a barometric pressure unseen but felt, dampened to near silence as the line stretched upward to its destination. There, only the gentle scuffing of a sandaled foot, the sighing of a breath, the single definitive stroke of a brush on rice paper, could be heard. For this event among the many events of a lifetime, indeed of all the lifetimes of the thousands in the line, demanded reverence. This was after all the final judging, on the final day of the 1000, of The Perfect Enso contest.
was made up of those seeking “the way,” come from the four directions and beyond, to witness the choosing of the perfect Enso. Yes, they were here for the Enso, the iconic Zen symbol of everything and nothing. The Enso, alternately referred to as the circle of enlightenment, the infinity circle and the lost symbol of Reiki, was the most drawn, painted, sketched and carved symbol in all of the East. To the untrained eye, and certainly at first glance, the ancient symbol appears to be no more than a loosely drawn irregular circle of black ink on a pale and empty background. But to those on the one path, the Enso is everything. It is the “satori” or enlightenment; it is a transcendental study in contrast. The Enso is the symbol
The line was not made up of the contestants, from starving artist to marshal artist, from Monk to Manchu, from student to Sensei, who but for the one now standing before the judges, had tried their hand, one by one and wrapped in the timeless but time-consuming rituals of art and faith, to create the perfect Enso. This line was made up of the adoring; the devotees of a centuries old symbol; a symbol so ingrained in their faith and culture that it was sewn into the fabric of their souls. This line
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of the beginning and the end, the circle of life, the connectedness and isolation of all existence. It is emptiness and fullness, presence and absence. It is boundless but confined by boundary. It is the infinite and the no-thing. It represents the perfect meditative state of the empty yet full mind. It is both secret and ubiquitous.
a contrast. His manner and face bore the spontaneous smiling curiosity of the very young, yet if he was to look up from his lowered lashes one would see the eyes of the sage. In profile, in a certain slanting light, the boy was the most extraordinarily beautiful human ever seen. But with a slight turn of his head or an unnoticed cloud shadow the boy became, although still well pleasing to the eye, far from the embodiment of human perfection.
The Enso is the moon, itself a symbol of enlightenment, as in the cautionary Zen allegory, “Do not mistake the finger pointing at the moon for the moon itself.”
He touched the brush gingerly, turning it one fingered on the ground as though it was a minute hand on the face of a clock. He turned it one way and then the other seemingly at random; then with two fingers he broadened the sweep, and then with his whole hand he swept the brush in complete dusty circle around his feet.
The creation of an Enso represents the long sought moment in the life of the artist when the mind is freed, when the spirit creates using the body only as its tool kit. The process itself is strictly ritualized yet endlessly variable. The Enso must be black ink on a white background. The brush must be wood; the bristles rounded to a pointed tip. Yet the choices are many; ink thickness and tone; the touching and twirling of just dipped bristles against the ink pot to drain off excess ink; the size of the brush, the length of its handle; the texture and material of the bristles, from rough plant fiber to silky human hair; the positioning of the brush from traditional vertical to laid flat and all angles in-between; the point where the circle begins and ends; the direction, clockwise or counter, of the stroke; the position of fingers, wrist, elbow, and shoulder; eyes open or closed; even the posture, stance and foot positioning of the seated, or standing, artist; all are crucial to the artist, and to the art of the Enso.
The old monk, a Buddhist Master in “the way of the brush,” once of great renown but now almost forgotten, was seated in the back row of the seven rows of seven judges. He thought he noticed that the brush, while appearing to move spontaneously, had halted briefly in each of the four directions, South, West, North, East. And, as he cocked his head to better use his good eye, he thought the boy nodded minutely at each such pause. Then the boy pressed the tapered tip of the handle to the earth for a single heartbeat, the brush opening skyward. Again the slight nod. Then, so abruptly it caused a sharp whistling intake of breath from the crowd, the boy gripped the brush firmly in his fist, rotated it bristles-to-Earth, and jammed it into the collection of dirt that had been tracked onto, and then swept from, the dais over and over for the thousand days of competition before him. The boy twisted the brush into the dirt forward and then back. And again, the slight nod.
Only a person who is spiritually complete can create a true Enso. In the hands of a Zen Master the power of the Enso is released, helping those who see it, truly see it, to reach a higher level of consciousness. The Enso is made in one movement, eliminating the possibility of modification, leaving pure the flow from spirit to Enso. The very imperfection and contours of the Enso, which must be painted by human hand rather than constructed as a mathematically correct circle, make the Enso a manifestation of perfection. It is the memory of the perfect moment that as a memory no longer exists. This then is the path of the Enso. The hitsuzendo or “way of the brush.”
The boy lifted the brush, dribbling bits of dirt from the now splayed bristles. In sharp contrast to all who had come before, this process borrowed only a moment from time and it all was done with a smile of irresistible knowing. The boy, a study in movement and stillness, then danced a dance to which only he knew the movements. Many later claimed it was a rapid form of the first sutra of Tai Chi, or a vague form of Chi Gong. Some even said it resembled the long forgotten Crane style of Kung Fu. But the judges, discounting as preconceptions such vague impressions, agreed it was simply a series of random movements; a child’s dance, no more. All save one judge that is.
It was springtime, the season of newborns. From leaf to lamb, life bloomed. Each of the 300 cherry trees lining the Palace Road was a calming riot of green, pink, and red. The last sprinkling of spring snow shined smooth white on the crevassed gray of the surrounding mountain peaks, which in their turn were highlighted by the soft pale blue of the sky.
The boy, his perfect crooked smile waxing and waning like birdsong, dusted the excess dirt from the bristles, wiping them on his robe once at his belt, then his naval, then his chest; then in rapid succession his chin, forehead, and crown before turning to the ink pot at his feet.
The boy now standing before the revered judges, the thousands crowded around, and the thousands more lined up serpentine through the courtyard, himself was
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The boy settled. All movement ceased. His eyes closed. Even his breathing, a moment before the panting of a dancing child, stopped. After such an interval that the crowd watching was compelled to hold its own collective breath, the boy began a long purring inhale. It filled his stomach, his chest, and then in turn lifted his shoulders, chin and head. The vast intake seemed to pull in all of the available air, leaving the crowd breathless, the birds silenced, and the tree limbs leaning. Even the boy’s eyes, fingers and toes swelled, so deep was the pull. Then, a pause.
circle. It ended as it began, abruptly and with stunning grace. The boy stood vibrating slightly, his face, as it had been throughout, serene. His eyes half lidded but alert, he held the brush before him as a fencer would hold his foil, delicately balanced with the tip up and angled away from his heart and toward the sky. No one but one observed these details. The image in the marble invited, and then pulled the eye downward, demanding to be seen. Black ocher on pale marble, thicker here and thinner there, winking with light and shadow, glowing with depth and dimension; this was an Enso that took and kept captive one’s gaze.
The sudden suspension of all movement galvanized the crowd into expectant forward-leaning stillness. With an explosive exhale that forced the crowd to huff and back a surprised half step, the boy’s hand blurred down and deep into the ink pot. In one continuous motion the brush dipped twirled and lifted, to circle once the lip of the ink pot. Ink poured from the brush in dirt thickened black streams. Then a flash of black as the boy raised the tip to the sky and without slowing turned it to crash down, not to the rice paper now fluttering away on a sudden puff of breeze, but to the marble of the dais itself.
This Enso was perfect. Not too large. Not too small. Not too dark. Not too light. Not too thick or too thin. Not too even. Not too rough. Circular but not too circular. A complete but not quite complete circle, the beginning blurring and lifting into the end, tail to head, head to tail. Evoking the earth, moon and sun; life, love, peace, passion, precision, abstraction, logic and emotion, this Enso truly was perfect. It drew the eye around, across, up, and down, leaving one with a sense of wandering with a purpose. This Enso drew the viewer into, through, and then beyond the image. What at first seemed a flaw, upon reflection became a delicate deliberate choice that spoke in whispers to the soul. For reasons shared yet secret, everyone was captivated.
The brush was twirling and circling even as it touched the marble. Those closest, including the judges reflexively covered their eyes expecting a blinding splash of ink. But, thickened to a perfect smooth yet rough paste from the dirt so recently ground into the brush, the ink flowed smoothly without splash or drip to its circular track. The brush followed the pathway, unseen but nonetheless there, that had been worn by the thousands of Enso painters with their thousands of circular strokes, on the tens of thousands of sheets of rice paper, which over and over had been meticulously and precisely placed on this very marble surface. You see, all that had come before quite literally had paved the way for this brush, held at this moment, by this boy. But, no one knew it. Only the brush knew the way. Later, no one could agree whether the first motion was clockwise or counterclockwise. No one could remember whether at any point the brush hesitated or flowed continuously. People disagreed as to whether the brush contacted the marble straight down or at an angle. Did the brush turn in the boy’s hand as it turned its own circle? It all happened so fast. A split second of flexing hips, an arc of the shoulders, a right angled jut of elbow, and a smooth linked twirling of wrist, hand and fingers, and it was done. All that those watching saw, save one old man who kept his good eye on the boy, was a black tipped brush blurring for a half heartbeat in a perfect
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F or t his e v en t a mong t he m a n y e v en t s of a l if e t ime, indeed of a l l t he l if e t ime s of t he t hou s a nd s in t he l ine, dem a nded r e v er ence.
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This Enso, in that moment, on that last day of the one thousand days of The Perfect Enso Contest was indeed perfect. The judges as one, and with their eyes still held by the image in the marble before them, stood and bowed. They bowed first to the Enso, then to the boy who even as they turned was himself turning away, and finally to the crowd that was now thunderously applauding, cheering and bowing to the Enso, the boy, to each other.
The boy hesitated still looking toward the tree, then turned deliberately and bowed deeply. He spoke for the first and only time, “I am pleased that you are pleased. But I want no prize. Is not that tree, there on the hill with the new blossoms… Is not that tree beautiful? The circle in the ink? It was nothing. A breath in, a breath out. A moment in a moment. Nothing more.”
With the Enso as catalyst all of those present could feel, as a tangible pulsing wave, the upwelling of spirit; that deep bass booming of the drum of connection. Connection to a simple black circle on a white stone slab. Connection to a boy who defied all logic, expertise, and expectation. Connection to a crowd of fellow beings sharing a singular experience. Connection to a country, a continent, a world, a universe. For this one moment, there was no fear, war, famine, unrest, or hatred. There was instead a surge of hope for a world that, like the Enso before them, was perfectly possible.
The old Master came back to himself at the sound of gasping. The gasping became a blowing wind of astonishment and loss. He turned, and following the eyes of the crowd, looked down to see that what the boy had said was true. The perfect Enso was only a moment within a moment, nothing more.
The boy again bowed deeply to the old master and walked away.
You see, the marble, having been worn by the brushwork of thousands of Enso’s, and thousands of sweepings between contestants, had become porous. Thus, even as the old man turned toward it, the dark of the Enso was sinking into the marble. Within the space of four breaths, the perfect Enso was only a dim gray shadow. As the last of the ink sank away, the remaining earth from it left a diminished but detailed reminder of the Enso. But then, lifted like the rice paper before it on a puff of the mild spring breeze, this too disappeared. Like the sunset the day before and the one to come that day and the next, the brilliance of the Enso and all of the light and shadow it had gathered and cast, sank, faded and was gone.
The boy breathed in. The boy breathed out. Time regained itself. The boy moved. He turned his feet and then his eyes to the judges. He bowed. He laid down the brush. And for the first time the boy looked up, catching the eyes of each judge. And then, turning in a slow circle he looked into the eyes of each and every one of the now silent crowd. The boy turned from the dais and toward the cherry grove on the hill behind. The boy’s feet began to move, carrying him toward the new blossoms. The old judge, standing at the back, pulled himself from the reverie of the perfect Enso before him and cleared his throat, wiping the still flowing tears from his face.
The old Master stood absolutely still. He breathed in. He breathed out. He looked to the hills beyond the cherry trees and sighted the boy, now bending to examine a newborn lamb. The old man smiled. The boy stopped, turned, and once again looked directly into his eyes. Both the old man and the young nodded once and bowed one last time. And then the boy went on his way. CW
He coughed quietly, then once again and said, “My child, we thank you. You have left us the Perfect Enso. The prize is yours. Your kingdom awaits. You only need tell us how you, amongst all the thousand thousand competing, created this Perfect Enso?”
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The Soul of Anna Wilson BY: anna wilson and DEANNA BYCK
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ife, love, passion, laughter, and music. If someone were to ask me, “how do I live and create the fullest expression of myself”? I would tell them I strive to have all those attributes swirling around my being so I can tangibly reach out and grab one (or maybe more) at any given time. Knowing I possess all these elements at my disposal—this is the fire behind my creativity.
I recently wrote a song called “Drive” for a new album with my band Troubadour 77 that explores the concept of “The Chase.” My whole career in music has been, and continues to be, about that. Do we ever really stop chasing something, someone, some vision or feeling? Over the years, I discovered that by aligning myself with my own inner wise counsel, my methodology has transitioned from blind and haphazard desire to method, discipline and personal work—a much more sustainable approach that brings me peace and freedom.
I remember as a young child, I thought I could envision what my life would look like in the future. I would dream up chapters and paint fully formed and complete renditions of those dreams and how I would experience them. I don’t know that anyone thinks about the steps it takes to actually achieve one’s vision, but I knew in my heart that I wanted to be a musician/singer/artist. As I grew older I started to identify a rough sketch in my mind of how to get what I wanted, and started to puzzle together the key parts of my road map. It was reasonable, logical, perhaps even realistic—a “yin to my yang” idealist spirit—but when you are young you don’t know what you don’t know, you can’t guess at what you may need. Now, the conviction of love, the fire of creative passion, the experience of having a partner to share my dreams and desires, the secret language and dance we learn about another’s most intimate thoughts and being, are the fires that stoke the creative process in me.
HO W D O I L IV E A ND CR E A T E TH E F UL L E S T E X PR E S S IO N O F MYS ELF? My song speaks in metaphorical terms about the pursuit of dreams in many facets of our lives; to climb the ladder, to find true and meaningful love, to find acceptance from ourselves and others, to find peace, simplicity and satisfaction in the present moment and to accept the gifts and blessings that are our lives. But the noise of chasing dreams can get loud, and the process of writing this song haunted me. The subject matter nagged at my spirit in such a way that I lost sleep, didn’t eat right and couldn’t function in social settings until the song was fully formed and birthed. It is such a personal insight of how I “process” my view of the world and my place in it, that until I completed it, I felt little peace.
Following a general sense of direction but lacking a step-by-step plan, I relied on faith, the intangible road map that was in my soul and trailed the breath of my desires. In doing so, I discovered new and different possibilities—proving the spirit knows best.
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Songs are vehicles for healing and change. They raise and expand our awareness and consciousness. They can promote social change and ultimately impact the world around us. It is my hope that my audience will understand the core message I am trying to communicate, so perhaps they can find their own deeper meaning and subsequent healing. The challenge is that sometimes a
three-minute song is over so fast that it’s impossible for someone to receive all the nuances and wisdom lurking inside. And, I have to believe my work will find the people who are supposed to hear and understand it, just like the songs of my heroes found me. That’s the faith part of the journey. That’s the essence, the soul. CW
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I h av e t o b e li e ve my w or k w i ll f ind t he pe o pl e wh o a r e s u p p os e d to he a r a nd und e r s ta nd it, just l i k e th e s on g s of my h e ro e s f o und me .
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finding her muse It took moving from buzzing Nashville to the mountains of Utah to find and follow the muse that has been the foundation of Anna’s latest musical project, Troubadour 77. Photo Credit: Lex Anderson
troubadour 77 New Music with a Classic Sound! Anna’s band carries the torch of the 70s Southern California singer/songwriter movement writing and performing original songs with wide appeal.
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soul soup Anna with husband and co-collaborator, Monty Powell, continuously showcase the craft, integrity and diversity of the songwriting tradition in everything they do from production, songwriting, and performance.
life’s like a bowl of minestrone soup “I once wrote a song called “Minestrone Soup.” The essence of its message was you never know what you’re gonna get, but if you’re not afraid to mix it all up, the result will be a unique flavor!”
creative flow The many facets of Anna.
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The Drive of Anna Wilson BY: ANNA WILSON and deanna byck
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y first album was called The Long Way for a lot of reasons. Six years in the making, it had many songs themed about traveling in the pursuit of chasing dreams and love. Twenty years later I’m still taking the long way, but this time I found the scenic route and I am constantly learning how to enjoy the DRIVE. In the experience of writing this song I realized that I was going through my own healing process and coming to terms with the notion of the realignment of my own soul and dreams. Writing this song has helped me to marry my dream with my soul’s journey.
One day I’ll settle the score From the wins and the losses Discover what it’s all for And how heavy the cost is Pullin’ in this tug of war That I’m under Even though we may realize that life’s curves and the weight of disappointments have brought pain, loss and detours, the dream is still driving the narrative. This verse describes the tension of trying to stay the course while you experience circumstances that are trying to throw you off.
Let me break it down for you: Wakin’ up with the dawn Blinded by the breaking light Chasin’ dreams that I hope to find But never come Maybe I’m the lucky one? Yeah, I wonder This first verse sets up the beginning of every journey once a dream is conceived. It acknowledges waking up with promise and a Utopian vision of what it’s going to be like when you set out on that journey. I use the breaking of the dawn as a metaphor for a fresh start. The sun symbolizes the dream, the star that sustains the reason for the quest. The fact that it is “blinding” gives power to its force in one’s life. However, as the road and the day go on, all that seems to be happening is an unfulfilled meandering. In that wandering, there is the possibility that the path you set out on is not yielding what you hoped for, and there is acknowledgment that perhaps that is okay.
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On the Drive … Drive On this ribbon I ride Eastbound into the sun Rising
Now I cry … cry Not for the light in my eyes But all the years and the miles However, when acceptance is achieved, there are tears of grief and mourning for the loss, but there are also tears of relief and joy from finally escaping the imprisonment that a dream can have on one’s personal growth. The first “cry” is for tears of sorrow and disappointment. The second “cry” is for tears of release and freedom. Yet, all tears are brought about by the initial chasing of the dream. Although the years and miles of one’s life may feel like they have been lost in the pursuit, in the acceptance, the future years and miles have just been gained. As the wisdom of the Tao says, there is an opposite reaction to everything.
But we are resilient, and we drive east towards progress and the beginning of a new day, where the sun is just starting to rise over the horizon symbolizing the possibilities. It’s shinin’ right in my eyes Yeah baby I can feel the burn Lettin’ go what I never had Was the lesson learned It only ever made me sad Never loved me back The sun/the dream with its strong and powerful pull compels you to stare and focus only on it, but that’s when it starts to burn and have negative effects. Obsession and hyper focus can be detrimental to the spirit, and so we must learn to look away to save our vision—literally and figuratively. We must let go of something we cannot hold. And, we cannot hold or control the sun/the dream. On “the drive”, we must learn to accept that we can’t always get the brass ring; the impetus for the journey in the first place. We realize that we’ve set up an unattainable situation causing discontentment and sadness. To learn how to accept this fact can sometimes be the whole purpose of the dream.
On the Drive … Drive On this ribbon I ride Westbound into the sun Setting After acceptance happens and peace has been made, the drive turns westward toward the setting sun and the resolution of the day’s end. The struggle has now led to a new road. One that is not seen without the initial calling. Over me Are the north aurora lights Where the golden sun
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Rains silver in the night Callin’ to the many lost pilgrims in the fight Who drive … drive … drive Bring ‘em back to the light At last, the journey points to one’s TRUE NORTH. The Aurora Borealis lights dance when the golden sun rains silver particles in the night sky. The sun is a metaphor for the dream that started at ‘dawn’. When broken apart, it too rains bright light and color in the darkness of one’s soul; recycling its essence and reforming into a spectacle that is even more powerful and farther reaching than when it started, thus revealing the dawn of one’s true self and destiny. That can only happen when you follow your heart. You have the widest reach to help others on their journey, to find their true north, by operating from your own. Drivin’ into the sun Blinded by the breaking light Chasin’ dreams that I hope to find But never come Maybe I’m the lucky one Maybe I am the lucky one Finally, the realization that the DRIVE never really ends but is just ongoing. We don’t ever have to stop chasing our dream(s). We come to realize “the chase” to push on is not about the destination but the journey. This song took a month to write, and now it is a gift to me for the rest of my life. Every time I sing it in concert or hear it in my car I am reminded by my soul voice, centered within, just what my personal journey is all about. They say all the answers are inside you. Amid the noise of chasing our dreams we tend to forget and brush aside the inner wisdom of our spirit. I am guilty of it. When negative inner dialogue deters me from my dream’s path, I now practice “re-writing the story” in my mind’s eye. As the author of my own story, I reflect on positive messages that will get me closer to the path of my vision. Even if I don’t get the exact outcome I seek, I am certain I won’t get a negative or self-sabotaged one. I am grateful I have the words of this song to remind me of this as I roll on, continue to write my story and DRIVE. CW Anna Wilson is an award-winning songwriter and critically acclaimed recording artist on Transfer Records. You can find her music on iTunes, Spotify, etc. To learn more about her music and story please visit her websites: annawilson.com troubadour77.com songsessions.com
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sacred share
Everyone Should Taste This Love
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Wishing love to the whole world. This is love—you have found that love which doesn’t judge. It never turns color. It is always pure. It is always good. It is always supportive to everyone. It cares and beautifies.
Photo credit: mooji.org
There is a desire inside the heart that everyone should taste this love, should be in this love. That is the religion itself. That is—nothing else. You have found the God-self. God has revealed the God nature within you, and you are filled to the brim, to overflowing with grace, love, peace, joy, silence and beauty. And a natural urge arises inside to share it with everybody. It’s like it never can finish. The more you share, the more you have. It’s like the example that if I have ten euros and I give you five euros, I have five euros left. If I have a loaf of bread and I give you half of it, I have half of it left. But if I give you all of my love, all of my knowledge, I still have all of my love and all of my knowledge left. You see? You can’t run out. This is the thing—the more you give, the more you are, the more you receive.
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Mooji mooji.org
To view the video in its entirety, visit mooji.tv/freemedia/everyone-should-taste-this-love/
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Saving the lives of mothers and newborns world-wide $81 provides a mother and her newborn with life-saving obstetric and newborn care www.oneheartworld-wide.org 47
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Martien Bakens —
Consciousness Through a Lens BY: deanna byck and martien bakens
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o Martien Bakens, the most important thing is to share beauty, light and consciousness on this journey we call life. Born and raised in the Netherlands, Martien has a childlike sense of wonder and playfulness and has a natural gift of seeing the big picture and dreaming new ideas. Photographer, alchemist, aroma therapist, healer and shaman, author, teacher and world traveler, for Martien being the full expression of himself is multi-faceted. Like many people, Martien’s journey has not been a straight path but rather one that has weaved in and out of experiences in distant lands dotted by periods of intense teachings along the way. As Martien explained, “If we are open and receptive, every journey becomes an opportunity to explore crevices of the soul through experiences in nature and connections to people we meet along the way.”
Life has taken him to many places, and according to Martien, “The outer journey opens pathways for the inner journey. Letting go of old ideas of myself has allowed me to pursue what I’m really passionate about.” It was on one such transformational journey in 1997 that Martien realized his perspective had shifted and opened towards new horizons. Taking a full year to complete, he circumnavigated the globe beginning in the Netherlands and ending in China with stops in Canada and Australia along the way. It was this exposure that opened his own lens and refocused his views towards native and indigenous peoples and pointed his photography towards portraiture. Travel and photography are the soul of Martien’s life and for the last 17 years, he and his wife have been facilitating group journeys to the Mayan lands to share his views and knowledge with others. As Martien explained, “In visiting ancient sites, you have the opportunity to see how ‘Maya’, the illusion, holds you or whether you have the ability to step outside its boundaries and see within like ‘Alice Through the Looking Glass’.” The opportunity is a “gift” for any travel photographer because of the spiritual nature of the journey.
Martien is often found capturing the essence of beauty and the joy of life through his photographs.
Martien’s earliest experiences in travel were also instrumental in piquing his interest in herbalism, shamanism, and his connection with nature and the Earth Mother. Exposed to the elements in nature—wind and water through sailing, light, earth, fire and air through photography; alchemy became an integral part of his being and is inherent in what he does now. But it was through courses and teachings that his “ancestral gift of healing” was awakened. Martien comes from a familial lineage of
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healers. His grandfather was a healer as were two of his aunts. “It’s hard to explain, but you can feel it in your hands. There is a knowing that comes from a higher guidance. I become the vessel for the healing to occur,” explained Martien. “I have taken courses and studies that have offered new insight and techniques, yet what comes through goes beyond any knowledge that can be taught. It is in my blood, in my bones, in my spirit and in my consciousness.”
Some of which he distills himself. The magic created by the alchemy of these blends raises vibration. He created a set of oils aligned with the archetypical energy of the Major Arcana cards in The Fifth Tarot. Individual oils enhance connection with the archetypical energy. When the oils are used with the cards, the frequency of the information is enhanced. Created with his wife/partner, Teressena, The Fifth Tarot, which is getting ready to go into its second publication, is an evolutionary tarot deck attuned to today’s energies that incorporates the five elements: earth, water, fire, air and ether. Martien penned the text as it came to him in guided writing. Teressena’s illustrations for the images on the cards came from her own dreams and visions. “The Fifth Tarot is a project of co-creation,” says Martien. “It is a dance of the sacred masculine and feminine, like the in-breath and out-breath of creation, birthing a wonderful gift for the soul’s journey. It is a powerful divination tool that offers insight and opportunities for transformation and expansion.” In the first year after
Through intensive study he learned about the metaphysical aspects of essential oils. After several years working as an accredited Aroma Therapist, Martien applied his knowledge of the medicinal and metaphysical properties of the oils and his wisdom as an alchemist, to create a line of products called Essential Harmonics. As Martien explains, “Each blend is a “microcosm of cosmic vibration and attunement, the alchemy in each drop contains the music of the spheres, creating harmony and wholeness in our energy field.” The product i8 line includes proprietary blends, creams and single oils.
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it was published, Martien and Teressena traveled to 29 states and 4 countries, sharing the wisdom of The Fifth Tarot presenting at numerous international events. “Whether I’m doing healing work, blending oils or creating photographs, I am a hollow flute for the light of the divine to shine through. It is an honor to use the gifts I’ve received to be of service and create and share beauty in the world. I am grateful for all the journeys, inner and outer that allow me to expand my awareness and continue to see each day as a new adventure.” CW gurushots.com/Martien.Bakens/photos essential-harmonics.com beaconsoflove.com thefifthtarot.com belight.photography
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hollow vessel “Whether I’m doing healing work, blending oils or making photographs, I am a hollow flute for the light of the divine to shine through. It is an honor to use the gifts I’ve received to be of service and create and share beauty in the world.”
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Dayle Spencer— Full Life, Full Heart BY: lena morgan
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the movement for equality, such a claim was unheard of in small town Alabama. Yet, six months later, she won her claim. Her employer was found liable for back pay plus interest. Oh, the gifts of adversity … the money she received paid her tuition for law school.
ayle Spencer laughs as we begin our conversation. She is trying to unglue her fingers from the float she and her husband are building for the Electric Light Parade, Catch the Glow, that is happening in their Colorado mountain town. Dayle describes the float:
As a federal prosecuting attorney in the 70’s, Dayle became the first woman to continue trying cases through her pregnancy. Again, she had to navigate the cloudy waters of sexism. The ‘good ol’ boys club’ argued that she should cease her practice until after her pregnancy. Dayle did not stop. Her conviction record was nearly 100%.
It’s a rendition of the planet that will be covered in light. It has a toothy grin that stretches across the expansion of the Southern Hemisphere. The float is meant to illuminate the mission of our non-profit, Loving Spirit. It shines light on the possibility of peace; peace for the Earth, peace for the animals; a bridge for all people, be it emotional, spiritual, or spatial.
In 1984, President Jimmy Carter interrupted Dayle’s dream to become a federal district court judge. Employing his patented southern charm mixed with relentless but polite pressure, President Carter wooed Dayle away from the court system. He hired her as director of his now famous conflict resolution program. One of her first assignments included working with the extremely divisive opponents in the smokeless tobacco debate that was raging at that time. The Team proposed an experimental route to resolution; mediation, not court battles. Surprisingly, for those who did not know the force that is Jimmy Carter, the Team persevered. They forged a solution that later became the Smokeless Tobacco Act of 1986.
I knew I was about to be inspired. Dayle grew up in a small town in Alabama, the eighth of ten children. She was “hungry” but not in the way you might think. She hungered for life experience, education, evolution. Dayle met an attorney in her 7th grade year. He was affluent, well dressed, put together. Their meeting put her on the path to becoming an attorney. Dayle is the first of her family to graduate college. Following graduation, she began work at an insurance agency in Alabama. She hired on alongside a young man. She graduated with honors, he a C student. The two worked together for some time before she learned he earned considerably more for the same work with less to recommend him. Dayle became a feminist. She filed a claim with her local EEOC chapter on the matter of “gender discrimination”. At the time, on the cusp of
The success of the process was an eye opener. What President Carter had told her was true. Mediation can work lasting miracles. “Oh, and on a personal note,” says Dayle, “I was introduced to an extraordinarily talented mediator, Will Spencer, who is now my husband. “
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was 28 she contracted the flu, a seemingly innocuous illness. But this flu went straight to Allie’s heart. Within 36 hours, Allie died. Dayle and Will were devastated. Lost. Broken. Defeated. “For three years,” she told me, “life was hell.” Three years in the abyss. Three years in the spirals of grief. And then, Dayle began to write.
During her years with President Carter, Dayle traveled to 50 different countries to resolve among other things 12 brutal civil wars. She traveled to dangerous places. She put her life on the line. She was part of the advance team charged with finding a chink in the armor of conflict, and an avenue for President Carter to do his magic. She advanced pathways to resolution, installed forward thinking routes to peace, and learned that trust is crucial.
Dayle penned two books about traversing grief and trauma as far back as birth. Writing became ascension from the abyss; the pilgrimage to a new normal; the catharsis that could save her. Loving Allie, Transforming the Journey of Loss, and Loving Spirit, Self-help for the Journey of Loss are the endearing, raw, honest products of Dayle’s brave and insightful climb out of the abyss.
This latter realization emerged from the $25 million construction budget for the Carter Center. President Carter wanted only a handshake agreement with his main contractor, not the standard 25-page contract Dayle had drafted. She quotes her famous mentor: “Trust is essential in relationship; no contract will create it.”
This conversation with Dayle Spencer has changed my world. I began reading Loving Allie. It is a beautiful truth telling. The love and loss are palpable through Dayle’s written words. She begins the book with birth stories and tells them throughout:
These are but a very few of Dayle’s professional life stories. I sense there are more, although on reflection, I think Dayle led me to that sensation. I have to pry, but only a little.
Birth stories are important. They imprint us for life in small and large ways … My own birth story was simple, I was the eighth of ten children, born to a poor family … My conception was not planned. My parents had nine months to pick out a name for me but didn’t … The nurse named me.
Along with being a prosecuting attorney, a part of feminist history, and the trusted colleague of President Carter, Dayle is mother to two sons, Geoff and Matt, and one daughter, Allie. Motherhood did not slow down her career, but “it changes a person,” says Dayle, taking a long breath. She continues, “Suddenly, a piece of your heart is on the outside of your body, looking back at you. It is a gift. It is the absolute lesson in vulnerability.”
Loving Allie is mostly a death story about the death of my only daughter … But more than a death story, it’s a life story, about her life and mine. The story of her life begins with her birth story.
I hear Dayle breathe in and hear her breath catch, as if a strong breeze has taken her voice for a moment. As I write this, my own does the same. In 2010, when Allie
I am devouring this book, breaking only to dry my eyes, and to finish this project honoring Dayle. I hear Dayle tell her birth story. It occurs to me that a journey through grief can begin anywhere. Even at one’s own birth. In our conversations, we focused a lot on the weight of words and the fact that our Western culture does not have a framework in place to assist people through grief or loss, or the words that can help, not hurt the process. This resonates with me and leaves me shaking. I tell her so and she responds by telling me, “Well, I am working on that.” After publishing the books, Will and I created Loving Spirit to give grieving adults free workshops to teach them to process through grief, not to engage in grief denial. Grief does not have to defeat you, it can be navigated. People usually say the wrong things in times of grief, not intended, but hurtful. ‘She’s in a better place, or God won’t give you more than you
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can bear.’ These are counter-productive. Keep it simple. Never say I know how you feel. Listen, more than talk. This is the bridge to connect people with the other side of their grief. This is the path away from the slippery slope of victimization that is created when we hold our grief. This, even more than her profound professional accomplishments, draws me in. I am familiar with grief. In March 2015, my sister and her husband lost their lives in a car accident while their young daughter was at school. Shortly after, my mother lost her life to cancer in August 2015. In January 2016, my father took his life. I understand the abyss of grief, the pain in the wrong words when there are no good words to say at all. I follow my own emotions as Dayle speaks of the loss of her beloved daughter. They led straight to my heart. Like a vacuum, her words empty the air from my lungs. We speak of how the words we choose lead to ascension from the abyss, or our residence in it. “Catastrophize” is the word Dayle has chosen. She relates to me the story of a man who attended the Loving Spirit workshops. His son died in a car accident after high school graduation. He repeatedly said his son was “killed,” when, really, it was an accident.
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Her work with him started here, in word choice. Framing his son’s death as a brutal crime, a killing, held him in the space of catastrophizing the loss. Those words keep him in a spiral of grief. I am familiar. I labeled my losses as “unfair, endless crisis, a cheat.“ As Dayle worked with the man in her example, he began to understand the weight in words. He began to understand how he could chose to frame his grief with words that did not “rip the scab off the healing” every time. “We do ourselves as much disservice as those who try to comfort and placate us, with all those same wrong words.” Dayle explains to me that human beings create an identity for themselves as victims of loss. Catastrophizing keeps people in victimhood shifting their identity from the experience of grief to helpless victims of a cruel universe: Loving Spirit teaches humans tools to rise up out of victimhood. To use simple and self-soothing tools like tapping on your heart to wake up energy in your body through acupressure points, relieving stress immediately. This is truth. I tap my heart and feel the lifting of my blanket of grief. Dayle’s ascension from grief is a testament to the possibility of healing. My husband and I are now raising my sister’s daughter. It is clear to me in this moment that my niece and I are teetering on the precipice of victimhood, even though this is not the path I want for us. I understand I must shift the framing of my own grief through the acceptance of what has occurred and the exploration of what to do hereafter.
and her husband. I am ready to embark on the journey of transformation that Dayle and her tribe offer. I am ready to take her up on her offer of resilience and healing, to see how her journey has shaped her, and learn how I can do the same for myself and for those I love.
After my interview with Dayle I took some time to research Loving Spirit, to read about her personal journey in Loving Allie. I took time to look at my own grief with empathy, with kind words, with an open heart being gently tapped.
This float she and her husband are building for the electric light parade is a manifestation of the mission of Loving Spirit, to cover the world in light. Peace through healing. As we heal, the world around us heals. Their parade, Catch the Glow, seems the personification of their mission, to be a part of the light, to spread the light, to make one’s mark through the vehicle of love through loss. Dayle Spencer’s mission of bringing people together across great divides, will illuminate the streets of her Colorado town as it is illuminates her daily life.
As I make my ascension from the abyss of loss, I have continued to live, to learn, to love through the experience of losing half of my family. I decide victimhood will not be our response to loss. Dayle is right, it is a slippery slope that is not easy. Loss is part of the human experience and no one is spared. But grief does not have to rule you. Resilience, healing, transformation, ascension are available. Loving Spirit will hold workshops in Utah in 2018. March 2018 will mark my third year since the loss of my sister
I am ready to catch the glow. I am tapping my heart. CW
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“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~ Lao Tzu
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Photo Credit: Ronda Taylor heartworkpublishing.com
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L o o k ing be hind, I a m f il l e d wit h g ratitude, l o o k ing f o r wa r d, I a m f il l e d wit h vision , l o o k ing upwa r d s, I a m f il l e d wit h stren gth , l o o k ing wit hin, I d is cov e r pe ace. ~ Q ue r o A pache Pr ay e r
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