THE GOOD ENOUGH Parent POISED

with EMILY THOMPSON

I just have a quick question about these school holidays. That question is what the actual f*#%?

Are you aware that due to Easter and ANZAC and “sta development day” that our kids are only at school for seven days this month? In an act of desperation, I did something without thinking. I was just trying to get some work done, entertain the kids and ensure that Miss Eight’s “What I did in the holidays” back to school snitching story wasn’t just “ate toasties and watched Netflix”.

So I enrolled her in Ninja gym. I know. I KNOW. What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking that I had a 4 pm deadline and these classes are actually cheaper than a babysitter.

However, article written, I pick up Miss Eight and she immediately uses her newfound skills against me.

“Watch me spin kick this!” she yells, kicking over the three tall piles of folded washing that have been on the couch for five days an appropriately small amount of time. Fabulous.

However, that wasn’t even the biggest problem. That was when she had to get the washing out of the washing machine and chose to do it “ninja style” twirling each piece of wet washing across the laundry. This, combined with the washing powder spilled on the floor the previous day, meant only one thing; that, when I walked unaware into the laundry, I went skidding across the floor falling hard against the counter, taking out my right kneecap.

Lucky enough to live in Orange where we have a great hospital, wonderful physios and grocery delivery, my dislocated kneecap and I settled in for a few days of rest to recover.

“We will take care of you Mum” announces Miss Eight. This moment makes me so proud, particularly because I spent the first week of these 17000-week holidays teaching her how to make us tea. “Also,” she continues while patting my arm, “I found my recorder!”

The growing little spot of happiness/ hope for the future/dignity was then cruelly ripped from me in the form of a “there have been substitutions in your grocery order” message.

Now, let me explain that I’m not a complainer. Substituting grape-scented shampoo for the punnet of strawberries I ordered? Sure, at least my hair will smell nice. Almond milk for an avocado? They both start with A and I’m sure you did your best. Regular ultrathin pads for super goodnights with wings? WTF is wrong with you? NOT OKAY. And this is what I’m stuck with, because I can’t walk or drive for another three days.

Cue best kids ever. “Mum, I can walk to the shop and get you the pads you need” announces Miss 14.

“I’ll even take Miss Eight with me and get her out of your hair for an hour,” she says, clearly preemptively buttering me up for something. I remind her to not let Miss Eight roundhouse kick anyone and lie back and enjoy the beautiful peace.

They return triumphant but announce they couldn’t find the brand I usually use, and the only one they could find was “Poise”.

I’m not saying the absolute lowest point of my life was yesterday, stuck on the couch with a middle-aged injury, listening to Miss Eight’s hauntingly beautiful rendition of Old MacDonald’s Farm on recorder whilst wearing an adult diaper… But if it was, it also means that today will be better, right?

School goes back next Wednesday, Miss Eight has been using her ninja skills to tidy her room and as soon as I’m back on my feet that recorder is gone for good.