Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family

Editor : Deepak Desai

Jan uar y, 2006, anuar uary Vol. : 1, Issue : 3, Conti. Issue No.: 3

DAD AVANI ADA Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family

Publisher & Owner : Mahavideh Foundation, 5, Mamta par k Society Mamtapar park Society,, Usmanpura, Ahmedabad-380014 Gujarat, India.

EDITORIAL

Conflicts continuously arise within a family between husband and wife or parents and children due to lack of understanding. One tries to improve the other by scolding. This only increases interpersonal clashes and differences of opinions. This may lead to them not talking to one another, however, they need each other After a few days when wordly delusion (Moh) increases, they become one again. With the resumption of verbal clashes, they separate again.

Gnani Purush Dadashri brings forth the understanding that gives the solution to all these worldly problems while remaining in the Self. In these talks of the Gnani Purush in addition to the worldly solutions, the principles of basic scientific elemental interactions are discussed.

When the wife brings home a salary and she tries to exercise her authority in excess, Dadashri says, ‘If the power is not accepted; it will hit the wall and rebound and hurt the owner only.’ If the husband abuses his power over the wife, that is wrong. Live as two friends and run the home together as friends. Is the wife to be oppressed? Is that why you married her?

There should be a balance from both sides. The married couple should solve their conflicts through correct understanding. One must never reach the point of no talking. When one admits one’s mistakes, and asks for forgiveness, the other person will definitely give in. When the wife has made an error and the husband remains silent, she will feel the heat of silence. If he speaks, then it would become ineffective. To scold one for his mistake is a fault.

If you collide with a wall, whose fault is it? When these living beings collide, it is really not a collision of the living component, the Self, it is only a collision of the non-Self. So if we take it to be a clash of walls then there would be no clash and the Lord within will help.

Whereas here, he collides with the ‘wall’ and finds faults of the ‘wall.’ When will a solution come? The one who complains is the guilty one. Otherwise, where is the need to complain?

When one remains silent with equanimity in the face of deceitful aggression of the other then the inner strength of character arises. With such strength of character, family life becomes very harmonious. If you want to wander life after life, then go ahead and clash in the family and if you want liberation ‘See’ what happens.

In the current issue of Dadavani, many keys that bring forth harmonious family relationships, while simultaneously increasing the awareness of the Self, are presented. Each key will help the reader to solve his worldly difficulties and progress him on the path to liberation.

Jai Sat Chit Anand.

- Deepak Desai

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Silence is the Solution for Conflicts in the Family (This is a humble attempt to present to the world the essence of the teachings of Dadashri, the Gnani Purush.

A lot of care has been taken to preserve the tone and message of the satsang. This is an elementary introduction to the vast treasure of his teachings. Please note that any errors encountered in the translation are entirely those of the translators. In this translation 'Y' in 'You' or 'S' in 'Self' refers to the awakened Self or the Self.

For a glossary of the terms, please refer to: www.dadashri.org/glossary.html and www.ultimatespirituality.org)

Where egos collide, remain silent Questioner: Here in the USA, women have jobs, so they have become a little more powerful. This causes more bickering between husband and wife.

Dadashri: It is very good that they have become powerful. The husband should say, ‘Oh, she was without power and now it is good for me that she has power.’ The family train will run better. Which train is better, a weak one or a powerful one?

Questioner: But, don’t things go wrong when they impose the power? If the power is useful, then it is good.

Dadashri: Actually, if there is no one to recognize the power it will hit the wall. She may impose, but if you remain calm, her power will hit the wall and hit her back.

Questioner: Do you mean to say that we should not listen to the woman?

Dadashri: Listen, listen carefully, and listen if the talk is beneficial to you. And, if there is power-collision, remain silent at that moment. See how much drunk (with ego) she is. Wouldn’t the use of power depend upon how much drinking has been done?

Questioner: That’s right. And likewise, when men abuse the power, what then?

Dadashri: Then you should be careful.

Tell yourself, ‘today it (the pudgal, not the husband) has gone crazy.’ Don’t say it to him 2

openly.

Questioner: Yes. Otherwise, he will become crazier.

Dadashri: Say to yourself, ‘it is crazy today’…It should not be like this. It should be beautiful…Would two friends do something like this? Will their friendship last if they do something like this? Wife and husband are friends, and run the home as friends, and now it has come to this state? Is this why people give away their daughters in marriage to Greencard (those with permanent US residence visa) holders? For this? Is this appropriate? What do you think? This is not appropriate. Which is more cultured ? A home with clashes or one without clashes?

Questioner: Without clashes.

Dadashri: Then why this? We are civilized. We are given dowry when we get married. Who gets dowry? Is it given so that you can tie and beat up your wife? In the olden days, dowry was given because the family had a reputation of no conflicts. No clashing in the family, no unhappiness to others.

We should be in that status. This is because, since childhood, the boy is told by people, ‘You are a cheque.’ (You will get dowry when you get married) So later on, he becomes crazy. You do not know these things. Haven't you heared about these 'cheques' ?

Questioner: I don’t understand, what does ‘cheque’ mean?

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Dadashri: Others from smaller towns will give dowry. Even if the groom has little or no property, but the family is noble and the family lineage is good and prestigious. They don’t steal, they don’t cheat, they don’t entrap anyone, they don’t do mean things. That’s why others give money. Do they give money to see his face? No. He has nobility. What is nobility? He sustains a loss on both sides.

When he goes to buy something and gets cheated, he will say let them earn a little more while he brings home less. And when someone buys from him, he will give more and say, ‘Let the poor guy take a little more.’ The one who suffers on both sides is noble. That’s why others give dowry.

Questioner: Then should we not say anything?

So this is what they are trained to think since childhood. These Patel boys. Did you not hear about this training? Did you not hear about people saying, ‘Cheque’?

Dadashri: Whether he is lying or not, is not your concern. Whether he lies or tells the truth depends on him, not on you. He can do whatever he desires. He can lie, or he can finish you, it is up to him. If he poisons your drink while you are asleep, you will die. You do not concern yourself with what is not under your control. It will only work if you say gently, ‘My dear, what did you gain by this?’

He will then admit his fault. What happens is, you do not know how to say it in a gentle manner and you argue with him, so he will quarrel twice as hard.

Questioner: I did.

Dadashri: Yes, that is why he (the groom) goes crazy. He receives the wrong training. It is useless training. It’s like selling the groom. It occurred to me in the past that it is like being sold (for dowry).

Be Silent and See Questioner: If someone looks at a thing and throws it away, what type of adjustment should be made?

Dadashri: He only threw away a thing, but even if he threw away your son, you just ‘See’. If the father throws the son away, you ‘See’ that. Or should you throw away the husband? The son ended up in the hospital, why should two people end up in the hospital?

If the husband gets hurt, he will hurt you later.

Then three people will end up in the hospital.

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Dadashri: You should say, but speak with the right understanding (samyak), if you know how. Otherwise, what is the sense of barking like a dog? Speak with the right understanding.

Questioner: How do we say it? What is the right understanding?

Dadashri: ‘Oh oh! Why did you throw away the boy? What is the reason?’ Then he may say, ‘I did not do it intentionally. The boy slipped out of my hands and fell down.’

Questioner: Then he is lying.

Questioner: What should be done if we do not know how to say it? Remain quiet?

Dadashri: Remain silent and see, what is happening. In a cinema, what do you do when a boy is thrown down? Everyone has a right to say, but say it in a way that does not lead to a clash. It is foolish to say something that leads to more clashes.

Does not talking resolve anything?

Questioner: Can a conflict be resolved 3

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by remaining quiet and avoiding conversation?

Dadashri: It cannot be resolved.

When that person meets you, you should say, ‘How are you?’, ‘How are you doing?’ If he tries to start an argument, you should resolve it gently with equanimity. Sooner or later, won’t you have to resolve it? Are you resolving it by avoiding conversation? Just because you stop talking, does it resolve anything? Inability to resolve is why you are not conversing.

Avoiding conversation is a burden, burden of that which could not be resolved. You should go to him right away and say, ‘Please wait, if I made a mistake, please tell me. I make a lot of mistakes, you are very smart, you are educated, and you do not make mistakes. But I am less educated so I make a lot of mistakes.’

Say this and he will be pleased.

Questioner: If he does not soften up after saying this, what then?

Dadashri: You should just say what you had come to say, what else? Some day, he will become soft. If you try to soften him up by scolding, it won’t work. He may act soft, but he will keep a mental note, and later when you are soft, he will return the scolding.

You see, this world is vindictive. It is the natural law that each living being will take revenge, and store the feelings of revenge inside, in the form of subatomic particles (parmanoos). So we should resolve the matter completely.

Questioner: He avoids conversing, and I say, ‘I made a mistake, I apologize.’ But he becomes more agitated. What should I do?

Dadashri: You should stop saying anything. You know that his nature is crooked and therefore you should stop. He might have this wrong notion that, ‘The one who bows 4

too much is weak and stupid.’ You stay away.

Then whatever the outcome, it is correct. But with those who are simple, you should resolve.

Do you not know who is simple and who is difficult in the home?

Questioner: If the other person is difficult to deal with, should I cut off all dealings with him?

Dadashri: No. You cannot cut off dealings, even if you want too. Dealings are such that they cannot be cut off. Therefore remain quiet and someday he will become angry and your account will be settled. When you remain silent, he will get angry some day and say, ‘You haven't spoken for many days.

You have been going around for days now without a word. Why?’ This reaction on his part will settle your account. What else can you do? It is like different types of metals.

I know all types; some type of metal will need a lot of heat to bend. Some you have to heat in the oven, and then you have to hammer it only twice to straighten it out.

These people are all different types of metals.

However, the Soul within is untainted, and pure. The steel (the non-Self) is steel. All these are made of different metals (different personalities).

Do you have differences of opinion with him?

Questioner: He talks very little so there is no difference of opinion.

Dadashri: Yes. When he says very little, the other person feels the heat, and cannot say anything even if she is right.

The Heat of Silence Questioner: It is a trait of Indian men to abuse their wives verbally.

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Dadashri: The fact of the matter is, ‘A weak husband exercises his superiority over his wife.’ (The husband, who takes out his frustrations on his wife, is weak.) That is a well repeated statement in India. Do you think it is wrong or right?

Questioner: Right.

Dadashri: Yes. What is the rule in Muslim families? The Husband will beat up somebody outside. At home, he will gently swing the swinging seat on which his wife is sitting (take excellent care of his wife). And the Hindu’s rule is to get beaten up outside the home like a coward, and at home to act like a tiger and fight with his wife. This is how the saying started (a weak husband exercises his superiority over his wife).

Some men are so ‘brave’ at home; they use abusive language with their wives. Even if the wife does not swear at him, he will.

What is the meaning of ‘superiority’? The whole day he scolds his wife, his sons, his daughters. It should not be like this at home.

When I heard the sentence at a young age, ‘A weak husband exercises superiority over his wife’, I said to myself, ‘I am weak.’ Of all the people in the world, did I find only her to exercise superiority over?’ Should we not examine ourselves? Am I not weak? There was some weakness in me in the past.

Frequently there were differences of opinion, but for the last 50 years, none has occurred.

Never any scolding or clashing. If Hiraba does something wrong, I did not say anything.

If I scold or clash, I am unfit. It is a crime to scold women.

Questioner: You would not get upset even if Hiraba did not cook the food properly?

January 2006

Dadashri: Not just the food. If she was walking with hot charcoal in her hands, and it falls on me, I would not be upset.

Questioner: Then why is she afraid of you?

Dadashri: Because I do not say anything. Saying anything breaks a man’s impact (inner strength). Once the dog barks, the woman will know that he has no stuff (inner strength). A man’s value and respect is felt, only when he remains silent. ‘If the father in law maintains his boundaries then the daughter in law will maintain her respect for him.’ Can you understand this?

Questioner: Yes, I understood.

Dadashri: So Hiraba was always apprehensive of me even if I never scolded her.

The other human being is a wall, non-Self Dadashri: If you hit a wall, is there an argument with the wall? If sometimes you hit the wall or the door, is there an argument with the wall or the door?

Questioner: But the door is a non-living object.

Dadashri: And for a living being (jiva), you believe,' he hit me.' In this world, all that hits you is the non-living (jada, ajiva, nonSelf). What hits and clashes is non-living only.

Only the non-living clash. The Self, chetan, has no role in this. You have to see him as a wall, and not interfere with anything. Instead, you should somehow manage this and a little later say, ‘Let’s have tea.’

Now, if a boy hits you with a stone and causes bleeding, what do you do to the boy?

Get angry? Sure, you get angry. And, if you 5

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are walking and a stone falls from a hill, hits you, causes bleeding; then what do you do?

Get angry?

Questioner: No. Dadashri: What is the reason? The other one fell from a hill. The boy may be feeling sorry that, ‘why did I do this?’ Who made it fall from the hill?

Questioner: What should we do if we don’t want to argue but the other person comes to argue? One is alert not to be dragged in the conflict, but the other person wants to quarrel, then there will be a quarrel, isn't it?

Dadashri: For how long can you fight with a wall? What do you do with the wall if your head hits the wall? If your head hits the wall, that means you had a fight with the wall, so do you hit the wall? So those who come to collide are all walls. Why see what the other person does? When you understand that they are like walls, there is no difficulty.

Questioner: If I remain silent, the other person takes it wrongly that it is my fault, and is he not going to clash more?

Dadashri: That’s because you believe that it happened because you remained silent.

If in the night, while going to the bathroom, you hit a wall, is it because you remain silent?

It has nothing to do with whether you remain silent or whether you talk back. There is no connection. Your silence does not have any effect on the other person nor does the talking have any effect. It is only scientific circumstantial evidence. No one has any independent authority in this world. Who can do anything? If the wall (with the door) has power, then this wall (person) has the power.

Does the wall have power to fight with us? It 6

is the same for the other person. And whatever banging is going to happen cannot be avoided.

What is the sense of useless complaining? He has no power so you (to the wife) become like a wall. When you scold a wife continuously, the Lord within her will note that, ‘he is scolding me.’ If she scolds you and you become like a wall, then the Lord within you will help you.

What happens if you have an argument with the wall?

Questioner: My head will break.

Dadashri: Yes, the head will break. In this, does the wall have any concern? So do not cause an argument. What does the wall have to do with it? The wall hits us only if it is our mistake. It is not the mistake of the wall. People ask me, ‘all these people are walls?’ and I say, ‘Yes, people too, are walls.’

This I ‘am seeing’ and saying. It is not a bluff.

To have a disagreement with someone and to hit a wall is the same thing. There is no difference between these two. Hitting the wall is because of not seeing the wall and disagreement is also because of not seeing.

He cannot see further, he cannot find a further solution, so there is a difference of opinion. If anger arises, it is also because of not seeing further. All the anger, pride, deceit and greed (kashaya) that is being done, is because of inability to see. So this has to be understood.

The fault is of the injured, is it the wall’s fault?

In this world, all people are walls. When the wall hits, we do not go to it for right or wrong (justice), do we? We do not go to the wall to argue about who is right or wrong.

Questioner: Yes. Dadashri: Just like that, he is a wall.

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There is no need to seek justice with him.

We should know that those who collide are all walls. Then inquire as to where the door is. And even in the dark, the door is found. Just by moving the hand, can the door be found or not? And then, you should escape from collision. Not to collide or clash is the rule to follow. Not to clash with anyone. Who do you clash with?

Questioner: He clashes outside the home.

Dadashri: You may think that, but it sometimes occurs inside the home as well.

Questioner: No, no, we never clash.

May be once a year, for a little while.

Dadashri: Once a year is called Diwali.

That is not a problem. I am talking about once or twice a month.

Questioner: Sometimes the maid does not come to help, or the glassware breaks.

When something like this happens, then there is clash.

Dadashri: Even so, why clash?

Questioner: arguments.

It happens.

Only

Dadashri: When you are working as an employee, do you clash with your boss?

The boss says and you do it. No options.

People want jobs. Freedom cannot be given to these people, right? So what should be done? You live like his servant and she lives like your servant. Then there is harmony. Say, ‘I am your servant.’ But do not say it loud, it looks bad when people hear it, they will say, ‘both have gone crazy.’

Alas, people do not know how to live.

January 2006

They don’t know how to get married but eventually get married. They do not know how to become a parent, but eventually become a father or mother. Now live such a life that the children will be happy. In the morning, all should decide that today, I do not want to clash with anyone. ‘Let us decide that,’ you should say.

Show me the benefit of clashing.

Questioner: No benefit.

Dadashri: What is the benefit?

Questioner: It is suffering.

Dadashri: No, not only is it suffering now but the clash ruins the entire day. In addition, the next life is ruined as one loses the right to be born as a human being. The human form is retained for those who have maintained decency and humanity but when there is beastlike behavior-hitting with hands, hitting with ‘horns’(ego), does the human form come back then?

Do cows and buffaloes fight with horns or do humans do that?

Questioner: Humans hit more.

Dadashri: Humans hit more. Then they will take birth in the animal kingdom.

Questioner: It hurts more.

Dadashri: Hurt is more. So then, instead of two legs, one will get four legs and the tail is extra. That life is no fun. Is there no suffering for animals? There is a lot of suffering. So this should be understood. How can this go on?

When others do not understand, remain silent.

Dadashri: Ladies, don’t you want to 7

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ask something? Ask whatever you want. If there is a complaint against him (husband), feel free to come forward with it. But get rid of this difficulty. Get rid of this difficulty from the home and the family.

guilty, then only will he come to complain.

When you complain, you are the complainer and the other person is guilty, but in his view, you are the guilty one. So do not complain about anyone.

Questioner: Do women complain to you about men, like men complain about women?

Questioner: Then what should I do?

Dadashri: Yes, they both do.

Complaints are not from one side only. I am looking for someone about whom there is no complaint from the family. Become such that no one will have any complaints against you.

How can there be complaints from those who depend upon you (family head)?

Questioner: When I tell the truth, no one understands me at home and they take it the wrong way.

Dadashri: At that time, you stay away from the issue and keep quiet. It is no one’s fault here. It is your fault only. There are people with such good understanding living around you and were they to be part of your family, they would understand you even before you said anything. Why did you not get such people in this life? Instead, why did you get connected with these family members? Whose selection is this? See, there is everything in this world, but if you do not get it, whose fault is it? So when the family does not understand you, remain silent. There is no other way.

Questioner: But Dada, who will listen to my complaints?

Dadashri: If you complain, you will become a complainer. I consider the one who comes to complain as the guilty one. Why did it come to the point that you have to complain?

Most complainers are guilty. When one is 8

Dadashri: If he appears wrong to you, tell your self within, ‘He is a good man, and you are the wrong one.’ This way, if you had multiplied (pondered on negative passions, anger, greed, deceit and pride) before, then it is divided and if you had divided before, then multiply within. Why do they teach division and multiplication? To help resolve all the worldly matters.

If he divides, then you should multiply, so there is no remaining balance.

To think negative of the other person that, he told me this and he told me that is a crime. Why don’t you fight the wall when it hits you while walking on the road? Why is a tree called inert (jada), those who hurt you are all green trees too. Do we say anything if a cow steps on us? It is the same with others. How does the Gnani Purush forgive them all? He knows that they do not understand, and are like the trees. Those who understand need not be told anything. They will do pratikraman right away.

Questioner: Now Dada, where do we go with these complaints?

Dadashri: There should be no complaints. No complaints at all. If you go somewhere to complain then the lawyer will come into your home and you will have to deal with the judge and the police. Likewise the lawyer, the judge and the policeman the defendant will arise within you when you January 2006

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complain. Mooah! (Term used by Dadashri to bring awareness to the disciple), let it be, let it go. Resolve it somehow, by whatever means without conflict. The one who resolves the case is a wise person. Do you like to resolve a conflict?

happen according to the effects of our karma unfolding in this life. And in the process, if we become aware of a deception, that a fraud is being perpetrated against us, how do we stand up to it? How do we resolve it with equanimity?

Questioner: When there are too many files, how can they be resolved?

Dadashri: If the husband is not straight, can you win him over? This is because what is in your karma effect (prarabdha) cannot be changed. This world is such that what we want to happen does not always happen. So you have to tell me, ‘Dada, I have this problem with my husband.’ And I will quickly repair everything for you, and give you the key to happiness.

Dadashri: They can be. Resolution is easy when you ‘see’ his pure Soul. Otherwise, if you say, ‘This is my brother in law’s son and my sister in law’s son,’ all these relations will become attached to you, they will cling on to you. Instead, be careful, wish them the best.

Is there anything worth clinging to in this world?

You should not cling on to your children. Once a father embraces a child too hard, then the child will bite him. The father had no idea that he had squeezed too hard.

Do you have any arguments and clashes with your husband?

Questioner: There is logic in life, so there will be arguments, right ? I may like some thing, which the other person may not like, right ?

Dadashri: Everyone has arguments.

We should know which are useful and which are not. Once the logic starts about the husband, that, he is useless, you should not encourage that. Instead, encourage the logic that, he is good. But you should not argue and call him useless. By calling him useless, you are firing a gun and he will fire back a bomb. That war will be like Russia vs. America. It will destroy everything. Your logic should be proper.

Silence increases strength of character (sheel) Questioner: January 2006

In this world, things

A Muslim girl once met me in Aurangabad. I asked, ‘what is your name?’

She said, ‘Dadaji, my name is Mashroor.’ I said, ‘Come, sit near me. Why did you come?’

She said, ‘My brother is praising Dadaji a lot.

Dadaji Dadaji Dadaji Dadaji. ‘So, I thought, how does Dadaji look?’ I said, ‘this is how, look at this, this is Dadaji.’ She was wondering, how is Dadaji’s hair and sideburn!

Why her brother was praising him so much?

Her brother had taken Gnan from me. After Gnan, he had gone straight to Iraq. He earned 10,000 rupees per month in Iraq. He returned when his sister was about to get married. He left after Gnan, he had not seen me since, but when he returned home, he started praising Dadaji, ‘Dadaji’ is there and I want to see Dadaji and pay my respect to Dadaji.

Questioner: Dadaji, his experience is that when the Iran-Iraq war was going on, bombs were falling all around, fires broke out all around but at that time, there was no effect on him. Dadaji’s Gnan was present that this is all scientific circumstantial evidence, and that I am pure Soul.

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Dadashri: Yes, ‘Dadaji’ was present there with him. His sister was surprised that Dadaji was protecting him there. So the sister came to see me and pay her respects. ‘How does your guru look? I want to see him.

How does the Gnani Purush look?’ She came and she felt good as soon as she saw Dadaji.

She felt in her heart that Dadaji looks like God’s (Khuda in Islam) assistant.

I asked her what she did for a living and she told me that she was a lecturer. ‘Are you married or not?’ I asked. ‘No, I am not, but I am engaged to marry a lawyer in Pakistan’ she answered. ‘When are you planning to be married?’ I inquired. ‘In six months time’ she replied.

‘Right now you are not unhappy but after your wedding what will you do if your husband makes you suffer? Do you have some project (plans) to fall back on to after your marriage? Before you marry him, you must have some sort of project (plan) in your head about how you will act towards him. Have you thought about whether or not you will suit each other after you are married?’ I asked.

‘I have made all the necessary preparations. If he utters a word like this, I will respond like that and if he says that, then I will tell him this! I have a response for everything he may say!’ she said.

Just as Russia and the U.S. had prepared for a cold war, she was also prepared for one. She had made preparations to tackle all potential disputes. Before he could even begin, she was ready to fire! If he fires a torpedo, she would come back with an appropriate weapon. I informed her that she had begun a cold war, for which there was no end.

Girls have a tendency to act this way.

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They have everything planned from the start.

Boys on the other hand do not preplan anything. So the naive boys lose the battle.

I asked Mashroor, ‘who taught you all this? If you carry on this way, he is bound to give you a divorce- Muslim style (talaaq) within six months. Do you want a divorce? Your approach is wrong.’ ‘If I do not act this way towards him then he will become my oppressor!’ She cried.

‘Will you listen to what I have to say?

Do you want your marriage to be a happy one? All the women who have prepared to argue and quarrel with their husbands have failed miserably.’ I explained to her that she should go without anticipating any antagonism from him and not make any preparations for conflict. If you quarrel with your spouse day in and day out, will he not think about getting himself another woman? Win him over with love.

Questioner: Love?

Dadashri: Yes, love. Even in attachment, there is some element of love. You do not hate him, do you? Do you want to make it like a war between India and Pakistan?

Every one in a marriage seems to be at war.

This brings misery into their lives.

I explained to her how she should deal with her husband. ‘You should deal with him in such a way that if he tries to create a dispute you should be ready to resolve it. You should be cool and calm when he gets fired up. Even if he tries to create differences between the two of you, you should act as though you both are one. All these relationships are relative relationships. If you both end up tearing things apart, you will end up divorced.’ She asked me what she should do. I told her, ‘Act January 2006

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according to the demands of his mood. If he is in a bad mood, you should have a chat with the God (Allah) within him and after he feels good, you can turn your conversation to him.

If he is not feeling lively and you are pestering him, he will explode.’

You should see him innocent. Even if he says something rotten to you, keep quiet.

Love should be true. Worldly love (attraction) only lasts for six months to a year perhaps.

Love is tolerance and adjustment.

I asked her who else was included in the family and she mentioned her mother-inlaw. ‘How will you adjust with her?’ I asked.

‘I can get around her too.’ She replied. So I explained to her how she should deal with her mother-in-law as well.

Then I gave her this understanding. She replied, ‘I like all these talks very much, Dadaji.’ I told her, ‘if you follow this he will not give you the divorce in Muslim custom (tallaq), and you will get along well with his mother too.’ She had brought along with her a sandalwood garland, which she placed over my head. I gave it to her and told her, ‘take this garland with you, place it in your home and after doing its darshan, start your day. Then your family life with your husband will proceed very well.’ She has the garland even now.

I explained to her about the force of good character (charitrabud) ‘Whenever your husband yells you should maintain your silence and calmly watch what happens. Your inner strength (charitrabud) will grow and it will have an impact on him. Even though he is a lawyer, he will be baffled by your ability to stay calm and collected. Eventually he will give in.’ She followed my advice and acted on it. When one meets a person of Dadaji’s inner strength January 2006

of character (sheelvan) then what else is necessary? Otherwise, prior adjustments were all wrong. That adjustment was like the cold war between Russia and America. The moment one presses a button; there is a fire on the other side. Is this humanity? Why so much fear? What is life for? Alas! The circumstances are like that. What can a person do?

When you prepare to win the battle (clash at home) you lose your inner strength of character (charitrabud). I never prepare for any battle. You might feel that in demonstrating your strength, you are winning, but in fact, you are really losing your strength of character. If you lose this, your husband will not value you at all. Mashroor understood this well and promised that, ‘from now on Dada, I will not fight and I promise to follow your words.’

If someone is committing deceitful aggression (prapanch) against you, and if you make preparations (inner intellectual adjustments) to retaliate, your strength of character (charitrabud) will dissipate. No matter how much someone tries to provoke you into a conflict, if you do not respond to him, then he will become be entangled in his own scheme. If you prepare to retaliate, you will be sucked into his trap. So many people have tried to thwart me but they have lost at their own game, because I never think about retaliation. Even a thought of retaliating will destroy your overt and inner strength of character (charitrabud and sheelvanpanu).

What is inner strength of character (sheel, sheelvanpanu)? If the opponent has come to quarrel and abuse you, when he sees you, he will not be able to say a word. If you ask him to say something, he will not be able to say anything. That is the power of sheel!

So, if you make any preparation whatsoever, 11

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then that ‘sheel’ will break. Do not make any preparations. Let whoever wants to do anything, do whatever he wants. Say, ‘I am everywhere.’ (The enlightened worldview, ‘I am’, ‘there is no difference between the Self of the attacker and ‘I’ ’).

Questioner: What if there are subtle under currents of deceitful approaches to drag us into a conflict?

Dadashri: Whatever he may try to do, if You (the awakened Self in Akram Vignan) remain unmoved, and do not want to be dragged in, then he will not be able to do anything to you.

Questioner: But I have to remain in the decision, ‘I do not want to be dragged in’ (ego), do I not?

Dadashri: No. This, ‘I do not want to be dragged in,’ should be from the state of the Self (swadhin).

Questioner: So am I to remain in my natural (sahaj) state (the Self)?

Dadashri: Yes, in the natural state only.

And if due to certain circumstances, you (the non-Self, Chandulal) get pulled, and have to go, then later you should not be bothered (intellect use, do not ruminate over the past) and not interfere in that happening. Consider it as something that is history.

(prabhav), is a very small achievement in comparison with this ‘sheel’. This ‘prabhav’ is seen in worldly people. The one with this inner exclusive force (sheel) has no inferiority complex, even in front of God Himself. And how then is such a person with ‘sheel’ going to feel inferior in front of humans? That is what ‘sheel’ is. It will protect you in every way. It will protect you from the celestial beings (devas, devis). It will protect you from fear of snakes, insects, and all animals. It will protect you from everything. So this inner force, ‘sheel’ is needed.

And when does ‘sheel’ develop? After receiving the Gnan of the Gnani Purush, one utilizes all his free time in ‘developing and nurturing’ this sheel. Sheel here means that when the other person is making preparations for conflict, one does not make any counter preparations to defend or offend. Any counter preparation is nothing but a ‘leakage’ (dissipation) of this gathered inner energy, sheel.

If this happens then sheel vanishes.

Questioner: Should we build a wall to protect this sheel, so that it is not used up by events and interactions with persons?

Questioner: I should not become engrossed (tanmayakar) in it?

Dadashri: No. This sheel, it is such a thing; a force that no one can invade it, no one can touch it. So it does not need any protection. If someone asks, ‘what if it is stolen at night? And then you have to stay up all night?’ No, you don’t stay up. Go to sleep without any worry. Sleep peacefully.

Dadashri: Do not become engrossed in it at all. First let this inner strength of character (sheel) develop. This ‘character’ is an exclusive inner force and energy. It (sheel) is possible to attain only after Gnan. The influence and power that impresses others

With regards to this sheel, when the son or the wife go against you, under some circumstances; and if at that time you make any attempts to defend your self or make any attempts to attack, then your sheel will vanish.

Instead, you should continue to ‘see’ that this

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machine (Chandubhai) has run into problems.

Then see where the machine has run into problems. What do others do? They fight, ‘you are this and you are that.’ Such words will ruin your sheel. Even if someone curses me a million times, I would say ‘welcome, my brother.’

quarrel?

Some father will say, ‘if my son goes against me and I do not put him down, or instill fear in him, he will only rise more against me.’

No, such attitude of instilling fear will break your sheel and make you weaker. Furthermore, your son will revolt against you. And if you do not make him afraid, and if you be patient with him, listen to him, tolerate him, then slowly he will turn around. This is the force of sheel. Not knowing this, people continue to suffer.

Dadashri: A father may have a cool disposition and the son may be hot-headed, but what is the reason to quarrel?

When faced with overt and inner conflicts, we are generally forced to prepare for our defense. When we do this, we slip. We do not have a weapon. He has the weapon so let him use it. After all it is vyavasthit, is it not? But, the vyavasthit is such that he will be hurt himself with his own weapon.

Mashroor understood this completely.

‘Dadaji has drawn the picture for me’ she says ‘you meant to show this type of drawing?’

I replied, ‘yes, this drawing’. ‘Wow! What a picture!’ The girl told her parents. Her father who is a doctor came to see me to pay his respects.

See now, does Dadaji take any time?

A ‘Mashroor’ needs to come here. Once here the operation occurs right away. Now over there, in Pakistan, she remembers ‘Dadaji, Dadaji.’ Everyday!

Questioner: The one with a hot head will quarrel. Whoever has hot temper will quarrel. If the son has hot temper, the son will quarrel and if the father has hot temper then father will quarrel.

Questioner: The son starts the quarrel so the father responds by quarreling.

Dadashri: What can the father do then?

What does the father say? He says, ‘you are forcing me to speak against my wishes.’ But if one is really cool, do you need to get into the fight at all? But you can’t, how can you remain without getting into a verbal fight? This is because you are ‘Chandulal’ (not enlightened yet). If you are the awakened Self ( khuda ka banda) the words of the son will not touch You at all. Now, really in this fight between the father and the son, neither the son nor the father, is at fault at all. It is the fault of their karma. Their past life karma account is now unfolding. Karma is instigating the father and son in this fight. They are both dependent on the karma. The karma is controlling their acts (karmadhin). It deserves our compassion. And the worldly people would say ‘why is the son swearing at the father? Such persons are worthless.’ No, do not give opinion, my brother. Why are you getting involved by giving your opinion? Is the son swearing or is someone or something making him swear?

What do you think?

The ghost of karma

Questioner: Yes, someone is making him swear.

Dadashri: Do you like to quarrel? A son and father may quarrel but who likes to

Dadashri: Yes, someone forces him.

There is another force behind it. Some ‘ghost’

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has gotten into him. People render justice like, ‘the son is useless because swears and insults his father.’ No. Do not become a judge, Mooah (term used by Dadashri to awaken the disciple)! You should not be the judge.

Turn them both around for good if you can, you have the right to turn them around but no right to be a judge. The effect of karma is making the poor man swear. The effect of karma (ghost) does all this. And good relations are also because of the effects of karma. It is merely egoism to say that because of my good nature, I do not clash with anyone in my home. The karma effects are good now and that is why there is no clash or fight.

Those who want to perpetuate their worldly interactions (sansar) life after life can fight. They can do everything. Those who want liberation (moksha), to them I say ‘see’ ‘what happens’ (from the perspective of the Self). In this world, quarreling will improve nothing at all. Instead, it will only increase the ego of the one who says, I taught him a lesson.

After the fight, if you check, nothing has improved at all. Copper remains copper and iron is iron. If you keep beating the iron, will it prevent the rusting of the iron? No. Why? This is because it is the nature (swabhav) of iron to rust. So, remain quiet. Just as in a cinema, if you do not like a scene, do you go and tear up the screen? No, you do not. Not all scenes (of life) are of our liking. Some people scream watching a movie, sitting in the chair, ‘He will kill you, he will kill you.’ Look at these! These packages of mercy! All this in life is for ‘seeing’ only: eat, drink, enjoy by ‘seeing’.

Instill the fear of the eye not of the hand Questioner: Some people have belief that children must be beaten up (hit) to keep 14

them in line or they get spoilt. Keep them under your control by instilling fear in them, by hitting. Is this right?

Dadashri: Up to a certain age, they can smack. Now at the age 30 if you try to hit, what happens?

Questioner: He will hit back.

Dadashri: That is why I say you can smack and I also say you can not smack. Up to the point that their ego can tolerate, you can keep them in line by smacking them. If you don’t, they will go in the wrong direction.

Actually, people don’t know how to keep their children in line, they don’t know because they don’t have knowledge about it.

Otherwise, there is no treatment like love to keep them in line. But they can not show love. They get angry. Even then, it is good that by getting angry, or smacking them, they get them in the right line. Otherwise, the kid will go in the wrong direction, because he does not know what is right or wrong for him. If you hit a 30 year old, he will hit back. Do whatever you can do as a parent and then you have to let go.

Questioner: Sometimes when the kid does not listen, I have to smack him.

Dadashri: The child is not going to listen. Is he going to listen if you hit him?

Instead, he will only harbor the anger in his mind against you. He will keep this anger, ‘when I get older I will take revenge on my mother.’ All living beings take revenge. We should resolve all matters with closure to the best possible extent without causing any revenge. If you want to hit, ask him? Tell me, ‘should I hit you or not?’ If he says yes then you can hit. You can hit with this type of January 2006

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agreement. How can you hit otherwise? He will keep a grudge. He does not like it and if you hit him, he will store feelings of revenge.

When he is little, he may not say anything but he will decide in his mind that when I grow up I will hit mom.

Questioner: But Dada, my daughter does not keep anything in her mind. When we scold her, she forgets it the next moment.

Dadashri: She forgets, she is not that smart. She is less restless, so she forgets.

But restless people have hot temper. Why scold? Take the permission of the son if you want to scold him. ‘Should I scold you? You did this wrong. Should I scold you?’ If he says scold, then you can.

You should not hit a child. Children have individual personalities.

‘statues’ (the non-Self) bickering. This is not in our control. We are just observers (seers).

The world does not improve by hitting, fighting, or by getting angry. It improves by setting an example. All talking is madness.

Silence improves: Nagging worsens Questioner: If we feel that we keep nagging for his own good, is it wrong? Should we not nag for his good?

Dadashri: No. It is not in our hands to nag. If nagging happens, it is not worth doing. If nagging happens, then you are to observe it. It happens even if we don’t want to nag. Scolding occurs even if we don’t want to. We should just observe, and be aware that it should not be like this. We should have that opinion in our mind.

Questioner: Yes, it should not be like

Questioner: There is common understanding amongst our people that the parents should be feared by the children.

What does Dadaji believe? Should the father or mother be feared?

this.

Dadashri: Yes, fear should be from the eyes only, not from the hands. And when you stop giving the love that you give every day, the child would understand. When the child feels the withdrawal of the affection, he will understand.

Questioner: How about the vow of silence? To be silent, and not say a word?

Questioner: Can the child’s behavior be improved by hitting?

Questioner: others?

Dadashri: Never. Hitting improves nothing. Try to hit this machine. It will break.

Similarly, the child will break. They look intact on the outside but they break inside. Why don’t you remain silent if you cannot encourage the child and bring out the best in him? Just have your tea and shut up. Look at the two January 2006

Dadashri: Once you decide that this is wrong, You (the awakened Self) become separate from the one who is nagging. You (the awakened Self) are not responsible then.

Dadashri: To be silent is not in our control. Silence is a good thing but if it cannot be observed, at least change your opinion.

.

Does silence change

Dadashri: It does.

Questioner: More than scolding?

Dadashri: Yes, a lot more. Silence does a lot.

Questioner: If you want to teach someone, how can it be done if you are silent?

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Dadashri: No, he will learn. Just like that. By teaching, it will get spoiled. All the knowledge is inside. When you remain silent, the knowledge will reach him. He has that knowledge. Children have this knowledge.

Nevertheless, what comes out as an attempt to correct the child is to be ‘seen’.

It is better to develop silence instead of bickering. Bickering will only worsen things.

Don’t say a word. If the child worsens, the responsibility falls on you. Can you understand this matter?

Questioner: Yes, I understand this, Dada.

Dadashri: One cannot bicker with a child, because he has not reached maturity in understanding. He will react and reject your words to correct him. When I say something, even if I have smacked him, he will accept my words because he has faith in my words. Now in your case, you don’t understand your own speech. You have become a father free of cost! Do you know what I’m saying?

Questioner: Yes, Dada.

Dadashri: Parents want their children to improve but how can the children improve, when the parents are unqualified fathers and mothers? Children become spoiled because of the unqualified parents.

The ‘operation’ by The Gnani In this era of the cycle (kaal), nothing compares to, speaking less. These days the speech comes out and hits like a stone.

Everyone’s speech is like this so cut back on speaking. It is not worth telling them off. It spoils more. Our religion is with us. If the kite turns downward, pull the string. Similarly, when the religion is there, there is no problem. Telling them off does not help, it only hurts. So it is 16

not worth saying anything to people these days.

If you tell, ‘don’t miss your train, go early,’ he will go late and if you say nothing, he will go on time. If we are not around, nothing is going to stop running. This is only wrong egoism. All is arranged for his job. Your words will spoil it. You will look foolish if you say anything.

The son will show improvement from the day you stop nagging. You are not able to say any words that are pleasant to him, and anything you say only aggravates him. They don’t listen and the words return to you.

We should cook, give him food and perform our duties. Nothing more needs to be said. There is no advantage in nagging.

Have you not come to that conclusion? Do grown up children fall down the stairs? Why are you missing out on your spiritual progress?

Your religion with the children is relative. He will take care of himself. Keeping quiet is the right thing to do. It is not worth saying a word even. Banging heads verbally is worthless. It worsens the situation. Your children are good.

They will not go astray. Things will improve if you remain silent. Nagging will spoil your minds, his and yours.

Questioner: What should I do when people come to tell me about my responsibilities to my son?

Dadashri: Tell them it is up to them.

Tell them to talk to the son. You have this excellent religion. How can you really know what the son does outside the home? Do not get in too deep about the son. It is causing a big loss for you. Both of you will lose. You will remain upset for the whole day. You got upset after saying so little. You should only ‘see’ even if the son is wasting money.

Questioner: But he does not know his responsibility.

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Dadashri: Responsibility is of scientific circumstantial evidence, vyavasthit. Your son has understood his responsibility. He goes to work, comes home and rests. What is wrong with it? He is not listening because you do not know what and how to say anything. When I say, he listens. You do not know how to say.

No one knows how to say anything to correct the other. When he listens to you, then it is worth saying. Instead, what happens is, the parents say crazy things and the son goes crazy. It is going to happen according to scientific circumstantial evidences. If the son does not know how to get into the train, does it mean that he is never going to catch a train?

It is harmful to nag your son or daughter. Tell me if there is any advantage of telling off your son for six months.

Questioner: Children talk in a rude way.

Dadashri: Do not get involved. If one stone hits another stone, it will become well rounded. The sharp edges (ego) of a stone are polished off to a fine smoothness by repeated collision with other rocks, like in a riverbed. This is a losing proposition for you.

You will have prejudice against him that he is like this. Instead, you should focus your energies for your Self. No one can give anything to anyone, nor can take anything from anyone. Whatever debt exists (karma) will be paid and not a cent more or less. Observe silence. Your speaking has caused tension in the home and worsened the matter.

Questioner: He talks back whatever he feels like.

Dadashri: Yes, but how will you stop it? By beating him up? There is tension because of arguing back and forth. If it stops for six months, it will be good for everyone. Once your mind is upset, you will become prejudiced.

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So by keeping silence, you will begin to have faith in him. You keep complete silence. It is worth speaking only if he will improve. Or else a single word will cause tension. Things have worsened because of bickering. Things will settle down after six months of silence.

You may think that it will get worse, but that is under the control of vyavasthit. And this is a relative relationship. You are good hearted; your nature (swabhav here) is to bicker. Only if it is helpful, you can talk. You should know how to talk. It will be helpful if you can talk without prejudice, but who can talk without prejudice? Only the Gnani Purush.

The situation has worsened because of you. When you stop talking, it will settle down.

I say this clearly and emphatically. Your son is a good fellow. Do any of the neighbors say that he is bad? So there is nothing wrong with the boy.

When the son talks back say it is vyavasthit, scientific circumstantial evidence.

These are the echoes of your unpleasant speech of the past. When the son was out of town, did you go to help him in and out of the train?

No one person can change another. If you can keep quiet, it will be good; it will have a good effect on your son. When you say bad things, it will have bad effect on him.

You remain completely quiet. Nothing will happen outside of scientific circumstantial evidence. These days it is foolish to say even a single word. So far, things have gone well, because the children are good. You are also good but you become emotional. Let go. Show him affection while he is in the home. What will happen when he leaves home? When you leave, when you die, who will show him affection?

Questioner: He gets irritated and angry, even if I begin to speak just one word.

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Dadashri: Yes. He is full of irritation.

He may get irritated even if I were to speak to him. You are hurting your self. So is your son. Who will listen to this nagging? Take a vow of silence from today.

If others listen, you talk. If others do not listen, what is there to talk?

‘Son should do this, should not do this.’

You are no judge! Eat, drink happily, while in the home, why nag? If the son is like that, people also will talk. But people are saying he is good. So, you don’t say a word. These are my words to you; you are to observe 6 months of silence. If bad thoughts occur to you about him, do pratikraman. Do you have to keep on nagging the son? The son who has lived in Bombay? (One gets very street smart in being raised in Bombay). If you want to improve the situation at home, observe silence for six months.

Your son is a good boy. In six months, he will respect you and even bring your shoes for you when you are ready to go out. You have spoiled everything by nagging. Actually, you are a nice man, but your nature is such; you are unhappy and others around you are therefore unhappy.

Is the son creating quarrelling at home?

Questioner: Yes. Dadashri: No. You are the nagging one. That’s why this situation has occurred.

Does he quarrel outside the home? By telling off, no one improves. Improvement occurs from the speech of a Gnani Purush only. Not elsewhere. This is the responsibility of the parents and the family. You keep totally silent.

Do you understand what I am saying? Stop from today. Do you argue with the neighbors?

Questioner: No. Dadashri: Similarly, stop arguing in the 18

home. These are relative relations. Stop using the intellect which says, ‘this might happen or that might happen.’ Will Mumbai get ruined?

So don’t get emotional. I am telling you this openly today. Until now, you have tried to hide behind your ego. But really, how are your children, wise or crazy? All will resolve when you lose your anger. These are the echoes of quarreling in the past. You think it is helpful to be angry, but actually, you lose. Will the boys not survive if you are not around? That is why the Lord has said to die while you are living (live as if you are dead, live without ego).

I watch every one. Your son has made no mistakes since he has been here. Intelligence is not for arguing. Become without intellect.

Do what I am telling you. When you scream, children go mad. Children will take care of themselves. Everyone fends for himself. This is why there is so much unhappiness in Mumbai. How can there be so much bickering after receiving Gnan? If you want to be happy and if you want your son to be happy, follow my words from now on. There should be no noise in the home. Nowadays parents don’t know how to talk or why else would they not listen? Your viewpoint may be correct intellectually, but it is wrong through Gnan.

There should be no prejudice. This prejudice is of long standing, so you see no changes in your son. Ask the outsiders, ‘Is he really like this?’ They will reply that he is a good boy.

This is your (both the son, and the parent’s) account of settling of scores from the previous life. So, remain silent. There is no one running this world. You may watch his affairs when he is young-up to five or six years of age .What is there to run now? This is called attachment and abhorrence (raag and dwesh). After meeting a Gnani Purush, children slowly improve. It has worsened because of your January 2006

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bickering. You don’t mean to make them unhappy. Just perform your duties. When he comes home at night, give him food.

Don’t your neighbors know that there is bickering in the home? You are losing prestige.

Why are you doing it? Even if the son does something wrong, you say, he is wise, and cool it down. How much tension are you having? You are a good hearted person but do people know that? People will only say that this woman is quarrelsome. Stop it from now on. If he is meant to fall, he will fall. If he is meant to turn around, he will turn around.

When you get bad thoughts about your son, do pratikraman. When you do pratikraman for your son, all negativities in his mind against you will clear. You will have to do a lot of pratikramans, hundreds of thousands. Do the Vidhi (the special blessings done for a problem at the feet of the Gnani) now. It is Dada’s Agna for you to observe silence. For this, I have done the special Vidhi.

Start the vow of silence now.

When you have bad thoughts for others, do pratikraman. We have not come into this world to nurture and raise the children exclusively.

Remain silent. Talk only if he asks, but wish in your mind that it will be better if he did not ask.

He will take care of himself. You kept him in your womb for nine months, helped him walk when he was little, and raised him so far, now you have to let him go. Animals too let go of their offspring. Remain superfluous. In reality, he is not yours. Because of this body, you call him yours. When you leave this world in the funeral home, does anyone accompany you? When you embrace him as ‘mine’ lot of problems, occur.

If you had stepchildren, would you have loved them equally? No. Act as if he is your January 2006

stepson. These are bad times of Kaliyug. Act as if they are stepchildren, not really yours.

Verbal clash spoils everything Questioner: We do not get along with each other. What should be done so we have no fights in the home?

Dadashri: You won’t be able to get along, you couldn’t get along before either. This is Kaliyug (current era of time cycle filled with discord). People got along well in Satyug(previous era of good times). Even your father told me that he could not get along with anyone.

Questioner: What should I do when everyone in the family lives the way they feel like, and do what they want to do?

Dadashri: Have a family meeting and make some rules. Make rules that this is how we should live together. We should not behave according to our own whims and plans. We should follow certain rules.

Questioner: And if they don’t follow?

Dadashri: If they don’t follow, let go.

If the son does not follow the rules, he separates from the family.

Questioner: If we separate that way, the elders in the family will say ‘Why did you not pay attention to children?’

Dadashri: Of course, they will. People will criticize. You keep quiet at that time. Are they not correct? You made some mistakes, so it happened. This may happen anywhere.

Questioner: I have to do all the work around the home. My children don’t do anything. Children will do well if we teach them about working hard; but they don’t do any work and do opposite of what we tell them.

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Dadashri: You should be concerned about the children that we presently have. But you had children in previous lives too. What did you do about them? In every life, you have left children behind. In all previous lives that you have come from, you have left behind children, small ones that will wonder around.

You did not like to leave them behind at all, have forgotten about them and now have these children, in this life. So why are you unhappy about children? Turn them towards religion and they will improve.

to tell him, ‘come home soon’ and then whatever time he returns is scientific circumstantial evidence. Fulfill all your responsibilities but do so without any inner negative passions, anger, pride, deceit or greed (kashaya). Duties performed without kashaya leads to moksha and duties performed with kashaya leads to continuing entry into life after life (sansar).

Is he not your son? Does he ever become your opponent anytime? When he opposes thus, how will you be happy?

One CEO requested me, ‘Please tell something to my son, he does not want to do work at all, all he does is enjoy what I have.’

I told him, ‘there is nothing worth saying.’ He is enjoying the effects of his own merit karma (punya) and why should you interfere? Then the rich man says, ‘should I not make him understand his responsibilities?’ Then I told him,‘in this world, those who enjoy are wise, those who throw away are crazy, and those who toil are laborers.’ The one who works very hard derives the sweet pleasure from the ego of doer ship. He wears a long coat into the office and everyone stands and respects him. For us, whatever we enjoy is ours.

Dadashri: In this world, nothing is such that it will not happen. Everything happens.

There is so much responsibility in this life! You have sons now, later you may also have daughters. If we risk asking the daughters, why were you born in this family? They will say ‘don’t ask, we are here on our account of karma and you are here on account of your karma.’ So, we should not ask. The world is so regular that no one is obliging anyone.

Questioner: The son does not live responsibly.

Dadashri: Yes, but how will you stop that? It has to stop from both sides.

Dadashri: The responsibility is on scientific circumstantial evidence. He already knows his responsibility. Problems occur when you don’t know how to talk to him. It is worth telling if he does what you tell him to do. When parents talk crazily, children behave madly.

Once you get certified from a college, does it change? Look at this lawyer, he received an LLB certificate, does it change?

And look! The certificate given by a father changes every hour (opinion about the son). If the father is heavily religious, he will find faults with the son. One should not find faults in the formed complex of thoughts, speech and acts (prakruti, the non-Self, Chandulal), the message reaches the Lord within (the Self). Prakruti is regular, and is under the realm of scientific

Questioner: Our children run around a lot aimlessly.

Dadashri: Children are not bound to us. Everyone in this world is bound. You have 20

Questioner: He does oppose.

Questioner: Children talk in a rude way.

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circumstantial evidence.

Deal with children wisely As age increases, he thinks that he does not make any mistakes, the son makes all the mistakes. Actually, he makes a lot of mistakes himself, but thinks that he does not, as if he is the magistrate. Even the son will say, ‘you have no sense.’ But he thinks the son is too young to understand. You dummy! If your son says this, you should evaluate whether you have sense or not. If he says so, should you not evaluate ‘do I have sense or not’? And if you think about it, you will realize that there is no sense. If there is sense, the situation will not be like this. Where there is sense, there is no clash.

How many homes here are without clashes?

Questioner: When it comes to children, we do not know what is proper and what is improper.

Dadashri: It is being over wise to do anything that is not being asked. Discipline the child until the age of five. Then if the son asks, ‘father, give me the fees for my school,’ you should say, ‘son, money does not grow on trees, you should tell me a few days ahead. I have to borrow.’ And give it the next day. So deal with the son in a way that the relation is maintained and he does not become aggressive. There is excessive affection shown, and it spoils the son. Should there be such excessive affection? Is there such affection with a goat? What is the difference between the goat and the son? The Self exists in both.

Neither excess affection nor rejection should exist. Tell the son, ‘ask me for any help, if you have any difficulty, and ask while I am around.’

Only if there is difficulty get involved.

Otherwise, you do not get involved. What happens instead is, the father starts screaming January 2006

as soon as he sees money falling out of son’s pocket. ‘Hey, hey.’ Like that. Why should you scream? He will know it himself when he sees the money falling. Why should you scream?

And what will happen if you are not around?

It is under the power of scientific circumstantial evidence. And you do useless meddling. Even going to toilet is under the power of scientific circumstantial evidence. And what is yours is with you. Staying as the Self is where the real inner endeavor lies (purusharth). And that is where the real authority is. There is no purusharth in the relative self (pudgal, the nonSelf). It is under vyavasthit’s authority.

Once the son’s ego has developed, nothing should be told to him. Why should you?

He will learn from his mistakes. Until the age of five, you are allowed to tell and scold. And from five to fifteen, you may have to smack him a few times, but after twenty, you can not say anything, not a single word. It is a crime to say anything that may hurt his ego, otherwise some day he may even come to shoot you.

If you become without intellect like me, your work is done. Use of intellect will perpetuate your worldly interactions. Answer only if family members ask. At that time in your mind, you should feel that it would be better if they did not ask. You should feel that way because if they don’t ask, you don’t have to use your intellect. As a matter of fact, our old culture is vanishing. These are the times of tremendous troubles. Every cultural value has vanished. People don’t know how to explain.

When father says something to the son, the son says ‘I don’t want your advice.’ What kind of person gives advice or takes advice? What kind of people, have been gathered here? Why don’t they listen to what you say? They do not listen to you, because it is not correct, it has ego in 21

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it and hurts the other. Will they not listen if it is correct? Why do people give advice? They do so because of attachment. They are ruining their lives because of attachment.

Questioner: Then another question occurred to me, that in anything as far as possible, to not give any advice, however, if you are forced to answer, and you give the right advice, but the listener does not like it, and you cannot give wrong advice. What should I do in this state of uncertainty?

Dadashri: Never give advice, unless asked to give it. I have already written that.

So if someone asks for your advice, say whatever you think is appropriate, and afterwards say, ‘do whatever is convenient for you.’ Then it is not something they will feel bad about. And you should do it with humility.

See what happens, and get it washed with pratikraman Questioner: The son wonders around outside all day when there is work around the home, and important errands to run. He should do them. In spite of scolding him, he does not take heed, then I cannot remain silent and I end up smacking him.

Dadashri: No, You can’t be silent like that. Do you have the awareness (laksha) of the Self or not?

Questioner: I do.

Dadashri: Then what is the problem?

Our science, Akram Vignan says, You (the awakened Self) should continue to ‘see’ ‘him’.

You are to ‘see’ what ‘Chandubhai’ (the nonSelf), is doing during the smacking-scolding process. Simply ‘see’ what ‘Chandubhai’ is doing. Afterwards, tell ‘Chandubhai’, ‘you did an aggressive act (atikraman). Why did you 22

hit the poor kid? Why did you scream? Do pratikraman for all this now.’ Thus when ‘Chandubhai’ hits the boy, You know (are aware) it and at the same time make ‘Chandubhai’ do pratikraman. Will this suit you?

One man was kicking the latrine door repeatedly. I asked, ‘why are you kicking it?’

He said, ‘it stinks. I clean it a lot, but it continues to stink.’ Tell me, how stupid is that?

You kick the latrine door, and it still smells bad. Whose fault is that?

Questioner: The one who kicks.

Dadashri: Isn’t it a big mistake? Is the poor door at fault? By kicking, people of this world are trying to clean the bad smell. But by kicking, they create more problems, and the doors get broken.

So much trouble! The whole world is in trouble. Not understanding has caused trouble.

Once the troubles get solved, salvation is at hand.

Questioner: Now we are taught not to interfere and to see everything that happens.

Now, at home there is a four year old child, who does something wrong, due to poor understanding. I try to correct him by scolding.

In this, the interference begins. This happens, and now what am I to do? Is this correct?

Dadashri: Yes, but You are to ‘see’ the one who is doing it.

Questioner: Say nothing?

Dadashri: ‘Chandubhai’ scolds him, and may even beat him. You are to ‘see’ that only and if Chandubhai beats him too much, You are to tell (internal talk) Chandubhai, ‘this is too much. It should not be so.’

Questioner: Now, I do get your point about the beating. I am fully aware that January 2006

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Chandubhai is doing the beating. My question is; is my telling Chandubhai anything not some kind of interference in the actions of Chandubhai? Is this proper or improper?

Dadashri: Do it all, interference, correction; do it all. There should be no deep inner intent (bhaav) of interference. ‘See’ what happens. To ‘do’ is doer ship and this does not exist any more. ‘See’ what happens and also ‘see’ the interference that happens and the good work that happens.

Questioner: The society will not accept if the children are excessively mischievous.

Dadashri: Yes, but if you have understanding to improve them, improve them.

They will not improve by physical punishment.

This is the one way they will not improve. They improve when the approach is methodical.

Questioner: So, if he is made to stand in one place for ten minutes or punished in a similar way, does it hurt his soul?

Dadashri: What is the advantage of punishment? Why punish? Instead of punishment, tell him to pray to God, that he has faith in, and tell him to apologize. Then, his mind will improve. Suppose your husband punishes you in the same manner, what will you do then? You will think, ‘when I get a chance, I will hurt him. His time will come.’

This is not fun. It should not be like this. No matter what he does, if you show love, the world will be full of love. The world is your photo, your mirror. There are fifty thousand persons (mahatmas) with me. I have no difference of opinion with any one of them. If someone says,’ Dada, you are a thief.’ I would say, ‘please, sit down. Explain to me how you are calling me a thief.’ Then he will say, ‘it is written on the backside of your coat, ‘Dada is a thief.’ I said, ‘correct.’ They will say it, if January 2006

it is written, won’t they?

Questioner: Yes, they will. Then the society will say that this mother is not proper, she does not take care of the children properly.

They will slander the mother, won’t they?

Dadashri: That is the wrong fear in your mind. ‘What would people think? What are they saying about how I take care of my children etc.’ The children must improve. Our teaching should be so good that they improve.

Instead, the children see that the parents are fighting, and the little boy will think, ‘my father is bad, poor mom, she is good.’ So, I told many parents in India, do not fight, or else, when children grow up, they will hurt you, take revenge. So do not fight. Live a life full of love. Why fight?

Now, you are trying to do what is good.

You are not doing anything that is bad, but you don’t know how to do what is good.

What can be done about that? It is an art to live life. Should you not know how to do what is beneficial? I have no difference of opinion with any one at all. What is the reason for that? Should you not try to have harmony with at least fifty or a hundred people with whom you have no differences of opinions?

Questioner: Yes, I should.

Dadashri: Yes. It can be done. Make a decision once that this is how I want to live life.

Then your life will improve nicely. And our family members must be kept happy. If you have a hobby of beating, you can beat up a policeman, but not a family member. You may enjoy raising a hand, but do not do it at home. We are people of noble qualities. We are not uncivilized.

And the ladies should not plan revenge in any way, they should remain within boundaries. We should all remain in our boundaries.

- Jai Sat Chit Anand 23

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Spiritual Discourses in presence of Pujya Dr. Niruma Kolkata 9 to 11 Feb. & 13 Feb. 2006, 5-30 to 8 PM - Questions-Answers Sessions 12 Feb. 2006, 5-30 to 8 PM - Gnanvidhi (A Scientific Experiment on Self-Realisation)

Venue : Vidhya Mandir (Hindi High School), 1, Moira Street, Kolkata-17. (W.B.) Tel : (033) 24549551, 30933885

Mumbai 15 to 17 Feb. 2006, Everyday 6 to 8-30 PM - Questions-Answers Sessions 18 Feb. 2006, 5-30 to 8 - Gnanvidhi (A Scientific Experiment on Self-Realisation)

Venue :

S.V.P. School Ground, Shantilal Modi Road, Near Jain Temple, Kandivali (West), Mumbai. (Mah.) Tel : (022) 24137616

Adalaj Trimandir 26 Jan. (Thu) & 29 Jan (Sun), at 4-30 to 6-30 PM (In Hindi) 4 Feb (Sat) & 5 Feb. (Sun), at 4-30 to 6-30 PM (In Hindi) 26 Feb. 2006, 3-30 to 7 PM - Gnanvidhi (A Scientific Experiment on Self-Realisation)

Venue :

Trimandir, Ahmedabad-Kalol Highway, Dist : Gandhinagar, (GUJARAT) Tel : (079) 23974100

Watch Pujya Dr. Niruma on T.V. Channels India : l Doordarshan (National), Mon-Fri 8-30 AM to 9-00 AM (In Hindi) l Zee Alpha Gujarati, Everyday 7 AM to 8 AM (In Gujarati) l Doordarshan DD-1, Everyday 3-30 PM to 4 PM (In Gujarat, in Gujarati)

Watch same prog. at same time, outside Gujarat on Doordarshan DD-11 U.K. :

l l

U.S.A. : l 'TV Asia' Everyday 7 AM to 7-30 AM EST (In Gujarati) l 'Aastha' Mon-Fri 4-30 PM to 5 PM East Cost, 1-30 PM to 2 PM West Cost l 'TV 39 (NJ)' Mon-Fri 6 PM to 7 PM & Sat 6 PM to 6-30 PM (In Gujarati)

Canada: l 'ATN' Every Wed-Thu 8.30 A.M to 9.00 AM EST All over the World (except India) on 'Sony TV' Mon-Fri 7 AM to 7:30 AM (In Hindi)

Watch Aaptputra Deepakbhai Desai on T.V. Channels U.K. :

l 'ATN' Everyday 6-30 AM to 7 AM GMT (In Gujarati)

Contact : Maha videh Founda tion, Trimandir, Simandhar City, Ahmedabad-Kalol Highway, P.O.:Adalaj, Mahavideh oundation, Dist.:Gandhinagar-382421, Gujarat, India. Tel el.. : (079) 23974100, Email: dadavani@dadabhagwan.org Mumbai : (022) 24137616, USA: 785-271-0869, UK: 020-8204-0746 Websites : (1) www.dadabhagwan.org (2) www.dadashri.org (3) www.ultimatespirituality.org 24

January 2006