MORE than a CRUSH

illustrated by DANIELLE NALANGAN

written by ESTHER MYERS designed by EMILY TANG & JUSTIN HUWE

You might not expect the crew of acapella singers in “Pitch Perfect” to have anything to do with queer identity. But characters Beca and Chloe’s undeniable chemistry played a big part in Daniela Shatzki’s lesbian awakening.

For Bruins AJ, Daniela and John, movies and television were an important fixture in understanding their queer identities – even as they navigated a media landscape dominated by straight, cisgender protagonists. Despite the lack of representation they faced growing up, they managed to find community both online and in person. While their favorite characters were never queer on paper, the world of fandom – where queer subtext was reimagined and celebrated – opened a gateway to self-discovery.

Here are their queer awakening stories, from falling in love with on-screen characters to real-life romances.

Name: AJ Sei

ProNouNs: they/them

Year/major: Second-year environmental science student

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by Samantha Shannon

AJ has a lot to say about their fictional crushes. Growing up, they were enamored with the redheaded protagonist Sam in the children’s show “Totally Spies!” and more recently, “Criminal Minds” special agent Emily Prentiss, who donned an impeccable pantsuit.

AJ is also also a self-described “pandemic gay,” realizing their lesbian identity over the months of lockdown. It was during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic that they got closer to a childhood friend, exchanging letters and going on weekly walks.

“I don’t even know if it was a conscious crush, but I was like, ‘This is lovely,’” they said.

They still maintain the friendship, even though it remains just that. “She has a boyfriend,” they added with a laugh.

While they realized they were lesbian in high school, it was at UCLA that they started exploring their gender identity. When deciding between schools, AJ attended UCLA’s Pride Admit Weekend. They noted that the university was the only school they applied to that advertised a welcome event specifically for incoming

LGBTQ+ students. Even over Zoom, they quickly felt supported and accepted by the queer community.

“I was like, ‘Oh wow, I would have a big community if I came to UCLA,’” they said.

PAW was only the beginning for AJ, who returned as a volunteer the following year. Meeting people who were transgender across the gender spectrum kick-started their discovery of their nonbinary identity. Before starting college, they weren’t fully aware of the many ways people identified outside of the gender binary.

“All of this is a real possibility that I didn’t know before,” they said. “I was sitting and talking with all these people about their experiences. I was like, ‘Whoa, I have been there. OK, I need to rethink my life.’”

AJ has found a place in the LGBTQ+ community at UCLA, spending their Friday afternoons discussing their current media fixations at Queer Fandom Fanatics meetings. While they’ve found a vibrant queer community at UCLA, AJ first found a sense of belonging in online spaces.

“I saw myself represented in fan communities because I was very plugged into Tumblr. But actually on screen or in books? No,” they said.

AJ has since seen progress in the media, particularly in “Star Trek: Discovery,” a reboot of the 1960s series. The 2017 refresh now features a nonbinary character, Adira, as well as several other queer protagonists. The new cast of characters just makes sense to the “Star Trek” fan who grew up watching the original series with their sisters.

“Don’t tell me every other planet in the galaxy has two genders,” they said.

Even as AJ reflects on their queer awakening, they realize there is no end goal to figuring out their identity. Finding a label isn’t the end-all, beall to who they are, and they encourage other young queer people to take the pressure off of themselves, too.

“I saw myself represented in fan communities because I was very plugged into Tumblr. But actually on screen or in books? No.”

“If you want a label, awesome. If you don’t want one, awesome,” they said. “The community that you’ll find is worth everything else.”

Name: Daniela Shatzki

ProNouNs: she/they Year/major: Fourth-year psychobiology student

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In middle school, Daniela Shatzki consumed a steady diet of detective shows. Watching the shows “Castle” and “Psych” made her think she wanted to be a detective, but she later realized that she was just attracted to the show’s assertive female leads. Kate Beckett and Juliet O’Hara were the crucibles of Daniela’s gay awakening.

Kate and Juliet are ostensibly straight. But for Daniela, many of the characters that shaped her lesbian awakening were not canonically queer – they were just lesbian icons in the fandom that surrounded them.

“(The shows are) not inherently representative, but I could make it work,” they said.

In particular, Daniela joined fan speculation around “Rizzoli & Isles,” which involved major theories about the show’s lesbian subtext between the two leads. The women were extremely close, and conveniently, never had longlasting relationships with men. Yet, interviews with the cast and directors emphasized the leads were straight.

“It was definitely queerbait, and I fell for it,” she said. She didn’t seem upset about it.

Today, Daniela has an easier time finding media that features explicitly queer characters. They recently watched “Killing Eve,” a hit thriller series following a special agent who becomes entangled with the assassin she’s tasked with hunting down. But they wished this representation existed when they were growing up.

“If there was more options with gay people, it probably would have been different for me,” they said.

Although she experienced a lack of lesbian representation growing up, coming to UCLA introduced Daniela to a new queer community. By the time she started college, she knew she liked women but hadn’t started identifying as lesbian. It was meeting her girlfriend in her freshman year that cemented her certainty.

“At the time, I thought I was bi, but then the first time I kissed her, I was like, ‘No, I’m a lesbian,’” Daniela said assuredly.

Now in their fourth year at UCLA, Daniela is comfortable with the place they have found in the queer community. They encourage queer Bruins to fearlessly share their identity, whether through clothing, presentation or small markers of pride.

“Don’t be afraid to show it off,” they said, pointing to the lesbian flag pin on their backpack. “Just don’t be scared.”

Name: John Jacho

ProNouNs: they/them

Year/major: Third-year labor studies student

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When asked about their queer awakening, John Jacho had one response: “Dragon Ball

John pined after Goku, the anime’s muscular and often shirtless main character. A particularly formative scene came during a final boss fight between Goku and the main villain

– as Goku goes “Super Saiyan,” he gains a glowing aura, his hair turns blonde and somehow, he seems to grow even more muscular.

John came out as gay in middle school –not long after their pivotal crush on Goku – but their understanding of their queer identity has been a continuous discovery. Growing up in a Latino household, they didn’t identify with the hypermasculinity they saw as a norm for the men in their life. Instead, they turned to online platforms such as Tumblr where they were introduced to queer communities. For John, being online at a young age played a crucial part in learning about gay and trans identities, which they missed out on in mainstream TV and movies.

Growing up, John said they would often take the straight characters they saw on screen and reimagine them as queer. Even with greater representation in the media today, they still find joy in discovering queer subtext in unlikely places, such as the song “Backstreets,” in which Bruce Springsteen sings mournfully after a person named Terry.

While John first came out as gay as a preteen, it was in high school that they started identifying as nonbinary. They’ve continued to explore their gender and find support in the queer community wherever they are. As a transfer student, the new friends they’ve made at UCLA have already impacted their gender awakening.

It was after seeing one of their friends start hormone replacement therapy that John realized it was a possibility for them too. Now, they’re awaiting their appointment for an HRT consultation at the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center. Today, the word that feels right to John is genderfluid – but they’re not too worried about exact terms.

“Labels are so limiting, too,” they said. “I would tell queer people to not be concerned with labels. It’s just like, ‘Figure yourself out.’” ♦