OPINION

THE SMART CITIES ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER

A LOOK TOWARD THE “INNOVATION ZONES” OF THE FUTURE

NICK GATLIN

MUSK CITY, Nevada—the day began like any other day in southern Nevada. Neon lights flickered on at 5:30 a.m., framing one of the many electronic billboards that broadcast Elon Musk’s Twitter feed each day. A new tweet flashed across the screen—“Dogecoin to the moon! Bitcoin is toast. #ColonizeMars.” Throngs of onlookers gasped as they saw the declaration, glancing anxiously at their phones as their Robinhood accounts plummeted in value.

Wake the fuck up, diamond hands. Welcome to Musk City.

The Nevada State Legislature passed a bill introduced by Gov. Sisolak in early 2021 allowing technology companies to form their own local governments, in order to attract technology firms to the state in an effort to “jumpstart the state’s economy.” The bill empowered these corporate governments to levy taxes, create school districts, form courts, and provide government services, the Associated Press reported at the time.

The development of what would be known as Musk City began in late 2021, as tech corporations grew so large in size and productive capacity they saw the need to break free from the bonds of ordinary government. The development itself began as a 250-square-kilometer plot of land in the Mojave Desert, but soon its ambitions grew too large to be contained. First it annexed the town of Searchlight, then Goodsprings and Nelson. The city of Musk became a megametropolis spanning the length of southern Nevada. Then, the grand prize: Las Vegas.

The battle between the Las Vegans and the Muskites was hard-fought, but ultimately Musk City’s technological advantage won them the war, as their newly-developed Tesla Pulse Cannons™ breached Las Vegas’ defenses like silly putty. On August 24, 2022, Las Vegas was conquered by the Tesla Corporation, becoming the capital of the new Tesla Innovation Empire.

Las Vegas was officially given the name of Musk City, christened after the benevolent tech magnate that gave it new life. Half the casinos in the city were converted into new Tesla factories; the other half remained casinos, but instead of U.S. dollars they only paid out in Tesla scrip. One of the first orders of business for the new Tesla government was outlawing the use of all United States legal tender, substituting all money for scrip called “Musk Bucks.” This scrip soon became the only money accepted within the Tesla Innovation Empire.

Today, children are educated in the Unified Tesla School District in matters of technology, finance, and the virtues of wealth accumulation. Students are exposed to such classic literature as Capitalism and Freedom, The Machinery of Freedom, Atlas Shrugged, The Road to Serfdom and, of course, the official biography of their dear leader, Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future.

The Tesla Innovation Empire is a self-proclaimed libertarian anarcho-capitalist utopia; as such, it does not collect taxes from any citizens, because it does not consider itself a “state.” Instead, the TIE collects the surplus from the value its workers produce that those workers are not compensated for. The TIE insists this is somehow different.

Order in Musk City is maintained by the Tesla Police™, a force of robotic police officers built in cooperation with Boston Dynamics. These robocops possess superhuman-like strength, agility and endurance, are able to leap high into the air and are able to headshot a civilian from 200 meters. They also have a line of robotic police dogs named “Spot,” which use their superstrength and large robotic arm to lift houseless people off the street and throw them into the wastes of the Mojave Desert.

Organized labor and strike actions are strictly forbidden in Musk City. If any workers are found to engage in seditious and/ or unproductive activities, the Tesla Police™ are immediately dispatched to resolve the situation. When residents move to Musk City, they sign a contract that states they agree to the use of “any degree of physical or emotional force” by police to prevent such labor actions—as such, the TIE does not violate the Non-Aggression Principle (NAP).

If any employees are caught engaging in unproductive activity, they are promptly brought before the Tesla Courts™ while a Tesla Attorney™ prosecutes their case. They are not appointed a public defender, because there is no such thing as the “public” in the TIE. If convicted, employees are sentenced to spend time in Tesla Jail™ and are restricted from accessing the Tesla Luxury Store™.

Today, in October 2022, the Tesla Innovation Empire is in a state of war with Blockchain Kingdom, LLC, a rival government to the east. The two corporate states have amassed their forces to fight for control of the greater southeast Nevada area, in a battle for supremacy in the tech world. Musk’s tweet decrying Bitcoin was a shot across the bow in a tense struggle that will shape the future of technology for decades to come.

The Tesla Innovation Empire has reached a tentative strategic alliance with Facebook, U.S.A. (formerly Carson City), though diplomatic talks have begun to break down as their mutual trade partner, the Robinhood Republic in Boulder City, has faced a liquidity crisis that threatens to cut off all trade along the Colorado River. Facebook has been inching toward the Blockchain Kingdom, with its promises of free and profitable exchange with well-known cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, ever since Musk City and the TIE migrated to Dogecoin and Musk Bucks.

Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak, who is running for reelection this year, has promised to voters that the government of Nevada will retain power if he is reelected. Voters have expressed concern about the growth of corporate cities, fearing they may soon overthrow the existing state government in favor of a corporate technocracy. Politicians have publicly dismissed such fears as “ridiculous.” Fueling fears, Sisolak was seen privately meeting with Elon Musk at the governor’s mansion on October 12, with armed bodyguards wearing Tesla™ armbands standing watch outside. No details have been disclosed to the public about this meeting.

The governor’s office did not respond to questions about the rumored corporate takeover when asked on Monday. Reporting for Tesla News™, this is Ben Teslamancer, signing off.

SAM GARCIA