LOVE & SEX GUIDE

from Portland State Vanguard Volume 76 Issue 35

by Portland State Vanguard

THE CONSOLIDATION OF THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY

PLATONIC LOVE IS DEEPLY UNDERVALUED

How we can learn we are already whole

JUSTIN CORY

From our first moments of cognitive consciousness, we are bombarded with stories and cues that imprint our culture’s values upon us. A very particular model of love is imprinted first through our parents and, following that, through our siblings and primary family members. As small children, we vivaciously consume all of the media and information made available to us from Disney cartoons, and onward in our teens to angsty teenage dramas. Finally, we meet the trite barrage of romantic comedies in our early adulthood.

Though it is changing, the models we are presented with for how to love—or what a loving relationship is—are overwhelmingly cisgendered and heterosexual. Digging even deeper, we are saturated by omnipresent messaging directing all of us to believe that we are searching for another person to complete ourselves, as though before this union with the right person occurs we are fundamentally incomplete.

This is a corrosive idea. For starters, through the patriarchal conditioning of current models of masculinity, men are often less likely to form long-lasting bonds and friendships throughout their lives, leading to isolation and increased risks for mental illness and suicide later in life. This is especially problematic when the few intimate relationships in their life break down.

According to studies by the National Center for Health Statistics, the suicide rate for cis men was 3.5 times higher than that of women, and was highest among those aged 65 and older. Factors showed that these men were often more isolated after the breakdown of romantic relationships, had suppressed showing emotion due to cultural standards of masculinity, had undiagnosed depression that they self-described as stress, were more likely to use alcohol or drugs to self-treat their depression and used more lethal means in their suicide attempts than other categories of people studied.

Sexism and toxic masculinity are literally killing us. This is equally true for cis women.

The concept of the friend zone is an especially pernicious and dehumanizing force. It posits that the only purpose of bonding or of forging relationships between cisgendered, heterosexual men and women must be sexual and romantic in nature. Not only does this set the stage for the kind of skewed domination-over-the-other power-imbalance we see playing out across society at large, but it reduces women to objects of sexual desire devoid of agency and depth.

According to studies by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one in five women have experienced sexual violence or rape in their lifetimes. And we know that sexual assault is vastly underreported thanks to the shame, victim-blaming and gaslighting of our patriarchal society as well.

Things are even more bleak when we look at the impact of these attitudes on the trans community. Dawn Ennis of Forbes wrote that “52% of all transgender and nonbinary young people in the U.S. seriously contemplated killing themselves in 2020.” Over half believed they “would be better to be dead” as opposed to living with “rejection, isolation, loneliness, bullying and being targeted by politicians and activists pushing anti-trans legislation.”

Add to this a report by the Human Rights Campaign that found that at least 50 trans and gender-nonconforming people were murdered in 2021, making it the deadliest year since they began this reporting. Patriarchy, misogyny, toxic masculinity, transphobia—they all have to go.

The good news is that there are other models for love and how to be human. We can draw from the examples of past cultures who embraced wide-ranging forms of non-monogamous relationship networks, but more profoundly, we must deepen our understanding of just how important social and emotional bonds are to our total wellbeing. Science has shown that physical touch is good for us because it floods our bodies with the bonding hormone oxytocin, which in turn lowers our levels of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. Making consensual physical expressions of love a part of our friendships and relationships to our families—chosen and biological— has demonstrably positive impacts on our emotional and mental wellbeing. The science also indicates that people who feel loved are much less likely to suffer from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression or anxiety. According to Sarah Fader at BetterHelp, platonic relationships also tend toward more openness, honesty, flexibility, longevity and a more unconditional kind of love. This is largely because we are less afraid of losing our friends in the same way that we fear being rejected by an intimate partner. Of course, our intimate sexual relationships should evolve to be more open, honest and flexible if we want them to last—but that is a whole other discussion. Our current paradigm tends to position us as atomized individuals in competition for the supposedly scarce resource of romantic love. The models all around us encourage aggressive courtship rituals, and place a premium on romantic and sexual love to the detriment of our other relationships.

It does not have to be this way—we are clearly hurt by these constructs. Men do psychological violence to themselves just by denying the expression of their own emotional being. Further, when we open to the beauty of connection with others based upon mutual expressions of appreciation, support, affection and camaraderie, everyone wins.

Women will no longer be diminished to mere sexual objects— rather, they will be realized as the subjects of their own volition and agency with immense assets to bring to their friendships. Our transgender friends will no longer suffer from the isolation imposed upon them by these binary systems which deny them a place to exist through the upholding of rigid gender and relationship models—rather, they will be fully seen, appreciated, loved and cherished.

So this Valentine’s Day, hug your friends—with a mask on, as we are still in this cursed pandemic—and remember to continue to cultivate, fertilize and water your friendship gardens. There is no scarcity of love and they are more valuable than we can ever truly know.

“When culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent, but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.”—bell hooks

WHITNEY GRIFFITH

GET DOWN AND DIRTY THIS VALENTINE’S WEEKEND AT PORTLAND’S ANNUAL MUD RUN

My Muddy Valentine isn’t your average date

TANNER TODD

What do you picture when you read the words, Valentine’s Day date? Do you see a candlelit dinner? The tunnel of love? Wine tasting? An afternoon on a gondola? The runners behind Portland’s My Muddy Valentine race would like to submit another option for your consideration: five kilometers of outdoor racetracks and obstacle courses, covered in a healthy layer of rich, thick, Pacific Northwest mud.

“It’s not the cliche Valentine’s Day idea,” said Molly Meiergerd, one of My Muddy Valentine’s event organizers. “It’s kind of a fun, adventurous date idea.”

For the last several years, lovers, runners and lovers of running have seemed to share Meiergerd’s perspective, and have congregated at the My Muddy Valentine’s race course at Lee Farms to run, jump, slip and slide in the mud, either on their own or with loved ones or friends.

At the risk of sounding punny, it's safe to say that there’s something down-to-earth about running through the mud with a partner or significant other in tow. Meiergerd described it as like a return to the glory days of childhood. “It’s kind of nostalgic, in a little kid-like way,” she said. “So I kind of call it like an adult version of that. It’s so fun to just be careless and stomp through the mud.” Out on the course, lovers are free to run hand-in-hand and uninhibited as they traverse the slippery slopes of the terrain, without having to hold back for fear of getting dirty. Besides being a lighthearted excuse to let go, the mud run is also a fun challenge for racers to tackle on Valentine’s weekend, whether it is as a team or solo.

“It’s always really satisfying and fun to accomplish something, and have fun doing it,” Meiergerd said.

While the obstacles certainly aren’t a cakewalk, Meiergerd was careful to emphasize that the difficulty level is placed so that determined people at most levels will be able to do it.

“It’s not just for very intense, Spartan-like people,” Meiergerd said. “We do have an elite wave that goes first if you are a little bit more on the competitive side…but I’ve seen every shape and size and age do this event, which is really cool to see.”

The event doesn’t stop at the finish line, however. After the run, tired and muddy runners can congregate at Lee Farm’s open event area, where they can expect a party waiting there for them.

“All of our races have that fun aspect, for that post-race party,” Meiergerd said. “You can have some free beer or cider afterwards and enjoy some live music.”

Add post-race camaraderie and a runner’s high to the mix and muddy Valentine’s couples can expect a lively after-party.

The My Muddy Valentine’s race has been running out of Lee Farm’s on an annual basis for at least half a decade as of 2022. Funnily enough, the event started out as a clever pun between two friends.

“I had a running buddy named Kyle, who is a pretty creative guy,” stated the event’s founder Aaron Montaglione. “We would do a lot of trail running together. We were up in Wildwood [Forest Park] one day and he said, ‘you should do a mud run called My Muddy Valentine based on My Bloody Valentine the movie.’”

The idea stuck like glue—or mud—and after a few years of percolating in Montagione’s head, he finally pulled the trigger and set up the race in Tualatin.

Now, years later, the race stands slightly apart from the usual gamut of traditional Valentine’s Day activities, offering an experience for slightly outside-the-box couples who aren’t afraid to get a little dirty this year.

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: A POST-RUN GROUP POSES FOR A PHOTO. A COUPLE SLIDES ON ONE OF THE MUD RUN COURSE'S MANY OBSTACLES. A COUPLE ENJOYS A POST-RACE BEER. COURTESY OF TERRAPINE EVENTS

ANASTASIA PARGETT

THE STRUGGLES AND SORROWS OF PANDEMIC SEXUALITY

NAVIGATING A COLLEGE SEX LIFE DURING COVID-19 IS TOUGH

CARTER SILAGO

Stereotypically, college is known for partying, trying new things and hookup culture. But with students living the best years of their lives remotely and wandering the ghost town that is campus, how does one become intimate and have sex with other people without risking the transmission of COVID-19?

Personally, dating as a queer, nonbinary college student living in Portland during an apocalyptic event, I can honestly say that it’s been challenging. With the endless texting, disastrous Zoom dates and countless rapid tests to go on a single outing, this pandemic has made being closer to someone more challenging now than it has ever been.

Typically, people used to worry about contracting sexually-transmitted infections, but condoms can be used to prevent that. Now, people are also worried about contracting COVID-19, resulting in protecting themselves and others by wearing a mask and showing proof of vaccinations.

Meanwhile, back in the United States, on-campus housing has drastically changed as a result of the pandemic, restricting the number of people in elevators and not allowing visitors in your room. Despite all of those restrictions, hooking up hasn’t stopped.

We humans are biologically designed to respond to touch. It is touch that we associate with emotion, and the absence of it leaves a need to be touched. I once went a whole year not touching anyone. Not even a simple handshake—and I felt that distance between me and everyone growing each day.

Maybe that’s why college students are still hooking up during a pandemic. We all want to be closer to someone, even when the world feels like it is ending.

Engaging with someone outside of your social bubble is always a risk. But we are social creatures, and now we must navigate the fatigue of social distancing. Whenever I have hung out with friends and met new people, right when we go into their dorm—boom—the masks come off. There is this complete level of trust that no one is sick, and that we are safe—which is likely wishful thinking.

For example, let’s say my friend Alice just started hooking up with a guy from Blackstone, a dorm across campus whom he shares with three other guys. One of his roommates is a Starbucks barista who works with at least four other people every shift, and they serve hundreds of customers each day. One of those people has a dad who is an antivaxxer who just caught the virus. With the average busy schedule of a college student, many still don’t have the booster shot—and the chain of transmission can be a very complex gamble.

With the end of winter break and school becoming fully remote, it can get lonely for students living on-campus who were promised a normal college experience. What I have personally learned during this pandemic is that dating and sexual encounters are possible if you set boundaries and make certain expectations clear from the beginning. Communication is key.

For college students in long-term relationships at the beginning of the pandemic, many may feel like they lucked out, and that they can ride this pandemic out together and don’t have to worry as much about getting sick or feeling alone.

A friend of mine who felt incredibly isolated during the pandemic said that she reached out to one of her exes and established a friends-withbenefits situation because she was alone after her cat died. She craved to be close with someone— masturbation only went so far—and he made her feel safe and somewhat loved in a way. This situation over months finally turned into them giving their relationship another chance.

When COVID-19 first hit, I was in a relationship with a guy in my building—whom I fooled myself into thinking I was in love with. He wasn’t a bad guy, just a guy who was overly critical. He made me cry when I pointed out Wes Anderson had no Black characters in his movies, and that Quentin Tarantino wasn’t the epitome of cinema. Film students, am I right?

I’ve endured the historic toilet paper shortage, Zoom burnout and COVID-19 coming out with a new variant every other week. But I got to the point that I would have stayed in a toxic relationship with someone that wasn’t healthiest for me. I was willing to settle with just about anyone. I was lonely the first few days after I dumped him. Then I did what any sane lonely spinster would have done in that moment.

I made a Tinder account.

During lockdown, everyone and their mother was on a dating app. It was the summer of love, and there were plenty of fish in Portland—and being queer, the pool of potential partners was okay. Throughout the entirety of the pandemic, I was in many short-lived relationships, went on countless boring dates and had endless text chains that weren’t going anywhere. Some were kind, some a little strange and a few pushed past my level of comfort.

On one date in particular, I wanted to try and keep my mask for the entirety of the time unless I needed to eat. He told me the last date he was on was well over a year ago, and I was the first person he matched with. He was a nice guy, he also went to PSU, liked Brandon Sanderson’s books—and was a bit overly touchy, but I didn’t mind that.

It wasn’t till the end of the date, when he walked me home, that he took my mask off without my permission and kissed me. It felt like it was in slow motion as he smashed his lips against my face, grabbing my hair to hold my head in place. I didn’t know how to react, but I kept thinking about whether I needed to take a rapid test or not.

After that night, I kept thinking, “Did I give him an indication I wanted him to kiss me?”

I explained to someone in my Medieval History class what had happened, and she replied that she noticed some guys she’s gone out with were leaning towards wanting to do more than what she was comfortable with—even a little more sexual aggressive.

Throughout my college experience, guys often seem to know how to skirt around the notion of consent to a point—and when you call them out, they make it seem like you’re overreacting.

I wondered if this instance was a byproduct of wanting to feel connected during an apocalyptic pandemic. Was it triggering arousal, or was it simply him being an asshole? I blocked him after that date.

Since that incident, I have asked many fellow college students how COVID-19 has impacted their sex lives. Collectively, one way or another, COVID-19 heavily impacted how they meet people—from meeting people solely on dating apps to private messaging those they find attractive during Zoom calls. People are also trying to develop deeper relationships nowadays with others, and doing it the old-fashioned way by getting to know someone for a while before sleeping with them.

For the people still hooking up, they are choosing to be physically vulnerable through risking exposure, and being emotionally vulnerable in trusting that their partner has not tested positive.

Even if you’re going to hook up, it’s always best to be safe because it’s not just your health you need to factor in. You are also responsible for the other person’s health. As my father would say, it’s always best to play it safe and don’t be stupid.

LOVE AT THE CORNER OF ABILITY AND GENDER

KARISA YUASA

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Why don’t you just tell the story of my wrist dislocating?”

That’s a story for later. To start, I want to say that there are many factors that go into making any relationship work. Communication is definitely one of those factors, but to be frank, I suck at it. I do believe, however, that I am better at it than I was about a year and a half ago when I met my current partner—we’ll refer to him as Cam for the sake of this article.

Cam and I met in Sept. 2019 at a welcome week event. He was with some people I met at another event the day before, and when I went to introduce myself, he signed something in American Sign Language (ASL). Taken aback, I froze. Although he asked me what my name was, my brain did not know what to do with the fact that he signed to me.

There were definitely misconceptions and biases I had to check going into this relationship. My lack of knowledge regarding gender, sexuality and ability—some of which I’ll talk about here—showed.

Cam identifies as disabled and transgender. He’s hard of hearing and has PTSD, dyslexia, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and recently received an official diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), along with having a few more mental illness CAM AND KARISA HOLDING HANDS. SOFIE BRANDT/PSU VANGUARD

diagnoses. To keep up morale, sometimes we like to joke and say that he’s slowly working toward checking off every box of his disability bingo card.

Disability and relationships

Coming into this relationship, I never thought about the ways in which disability affects relationships. “When we talk about disability, people don’t see disabled people as human,” Cam said. “They don’t see them as people capable of forming relationships.”

There are a lot of stereotypes—and both unconscious and conscious biases—that people from any marginalized group or identity face. People often associate disability with people not wanting relationships or not being capable of being in a relationship.

“Also, a lot of times if a person’s disabled, the other person doesn’t necessarily become a caretaker, but in a way becomes a caretaker,” Cam said. “It is not meant to be that way, but it just kind of happens.”

Here’s where the wrist story comes into play.

The night before I was set to move out and head home last summer, Cam and I were hanging out and his wrist dislocated. Dislocations are common for people with EDS, but it had never happened to this extent while we were together. Fast forward through the hours in the emergency room, less-than-phenomenal care and COVID-19 guest restrictions, I walked away formally in OHSU’s database as his caretaker—a label I never expected as a college student.

Gender is a funny thing

To be completely honest, from our first encounter, other than knowing about his fluency in ASL—and later, his hearing loss—I didn’t know too much about health concerns before we got together. My biggest concern, therefore, was possible misconceptions about gender.

“Gender is weird,” Cam said. “I get really dysphoric sometimes which I feel affects my relationships even though I don’t want it to.”

I’ve learned that, although I probably will never fully comprehend dysphoria, I need to be present and listen. I need to actively listen even in situations that I don’t truly understand or would typically get frustrated by.

As a cis person, I’m not going to sit here and complain about how hard it is to date a non-cis person. It’s not a burden, and isn’t actually much different than any other relationship. Listen to them and see what they need.

Making it work

“I think it’s important that people know that communication has to be stronger when you are dating someone with different identities,” Cam said. “That’s so that you can make sure you are not triggering or causing more harm. You need to make sure you know what is okay and what is not okay and how to make sure that if something were to happen, you kind of know the safety plan.”

Remember when I said my communication skills suck?

Just like any other relationship, consent and communication are key, so I am working on it. What people are okay with may change depending on the situation, so taking the time to check-in is incredibly important.

I’ve learned that the more you ask, the fewer awkward and potentially harmful situations you have to get into later. Sometimes it took us sitting in awkward silence for what felt like forever in order for me to get the words out to ask questions; however, taking that time was the best thing I could have done.

MY LIFE AS A SEX SHOP EMPLOYEE

RYAN MCCONNELL

A question I’m often asked when I say I’ve worked at a sex shop before is “What is it like?”—and it’s often a loaded question. It was an experience full of positives, some negatives and yes, there are definitely stories to tell. Ultimately, my experience is one that emphasizes the importance of communication.

One of the most fulfilling lessons of working at a sex shop—in addition to getting comfortable talking about sex—is understanding what sex positivity truly means in practice.

Oftentimes, I catch myself in public settings because it’s so easy to be desensitized to talking about sex, and I have to remember my colleagues aren’t always as forthcoming. Questions about what you’re into may be discussed more often online than inperson but, while working at a sex shop, it’s a necessary question that you need to ask every customer that walks through those doors. At the end of the day, you are an employee whose job is to sell people products they’ll enjoy.

This question can cause friction when a customer is looking to purchase a gift for someone else. Usually when a customer isn’t shopping for themselves, they can be divided into two classes of people: those who shop for what they want their partner to do, and those who think that we employees are sexual psychics who can magically identify what their partner is into for them.

A memorable experience was an individual approaching the counter to ask in a jovial tone, “So, uh, what do girls like? What can I get my girl, something she’d be into?”

My initial question is one I had come to repeat quite often during my tenure, “I don’t know, have you asked?” The look on his face was something of utter confusion and disappointment.

“But…but you guys work here right? Don’t you know what people like?”

The short answer is yes, we do. People like everything we sell in the store. That’s the point of a sex shop. The misconception is that there is a specific demographic for any particular interest. There is no single correlation nor statistic that can be brought up that links any particular product to any group of people or population.

This is where the world of kinks collides with the world of expectation. There’s a relevant phenomenon in psychology known as functional fixedness, a type of cognitive bias where people can see objects only working in one specific way.

When you work at a sex shop, you must throw this bias out the window.

Take lingerie, for example. It may seem to be common knowledge that only women wear lacy lingerie—but this is just not true. Men of all shapes, sizes and ages may be attracted to wearing lingerie, or their partner may have an attraction to men wearing lingerie. Another misguided notion—often coming from typical heteronormative ilk—is that enjoying anal play, such as pegging or using butt plugs, somehow makes a male individual gay, or not straight. Many straight men can enjoy prostate stimulation; it has nothing to do with whom they are attracted to.

Language that differentiates between vulva and phallus becomes more important than dividing between products for women and men. In a sex shop, everyone is free to be themselves and get the help they need to find what suits them.

While Fox News anchors might fiercely disagree, there is a distinct difference between gender identity and anatomy. For sex shop workers, it’s not a political talking point, but a necessary fact that human diversity is real and that the needs of sexual satisfaction applies to one’s working anatomical parts, not their identity.

Trans and intersex folk aren’t a debate between party lines; they are real people who enjoy much the same things cisgender folk do. Sex shops are oftentimes the only places that can sell tools that help support one’s transition, including external silicone breasts and packers which emulate a concealed penis. External breasts are also much more affordable than surgical implants, which is useful for those who have had mastectomies.

As a sex shop employee, there are many times where you feel as if you’re taking an active part in supporting people and getting to share historic moments for them. That is why all employees must come from a place of empathy and acceptance—because, for some, this is their only safe haven.

That is not to say that sex shop life doesn’t have its fair share of wild moments and giddy experiences, even amongst ourselves.

You learn—and learn quickly—that for some, entering a shop where sexual freedom reigns is an experience in and of itself. Once, there was a couple with a submissive partner—adorned in a full gimp suit and leashed to their master—where I, as an employee, could not spur conversation with said sub because they required permission to speak from their master.

For them, it was part of the fun to be themselves without being judged. However, to us it became more of an inconvenience when we needed to ask the individual directly what they needed—and going through a proxy was more challenging than it was amusing.

Exhibitionism and voyeurism were also quite common kinks with rather unique ways to approach a situation. One distinct memory is of an exhibitionist and his girlfriend who— arriving so soon before closing time—were looking to have the man try on some of our risqué male underwear. It was a humbling experience, having only worked one week prior.

He was an undeniably attractive fellow, and during his stay, he made an effort to step outside the dressing room for advice on how the underwear looked from me and my colleague—both openly gay men. I stumbled on my words several times and my face became beet red, according to my colleague.

“Hey!” the man said, in a chillingly aggressive display of masculinity, “My eyes are up here!” My face froze, heart beating faster than a racehorse.

“Is this it?” I thought to myself. “Oh god, have I crossed a boundary? Am I going to get fired?”

“I’m just messin’ with ya!” he proclaimed. “It’s cute though right?”

That’s when it hit me: this scheme was intentional. Not only did he like to show off, but his female counterpart genuinely enjoyed us fawning over her partner, and struggling to conduct ourselves like impartial salesmen.

“Isn’t he hot?” she said. “We’re heading to this club later and I am so excited to see everyone’s faces when he wears this.”

Half of the fun for them was being able to show off and watch as the world around them crumbles like a scene out of Impractical Jokers.

Voyeurs, on the other hand, were a different experience. Our shop had a bookshelf that emphasized education, providing a wide array of reading material from shibari tutorials to transition self-help guides. However, this did not stop the occasional onlooker from interpreting some materials as softcore porn that could be…enjoyed out in the open.

As if straight out of a scene from an animated sitcom, I can’t count how many times I had to kick out voyeurs for trying to masturbate on whatever they could get their hands on. Think of Dora

the Explorer, but instead of finding treasure, you’re finding serial masturbators and yelling in the distance, “Swiper, no jacking off!”

Most of these instances occurred because we were a sex shop which strictly did not have arcades—a nonce word between shop workers for little rooms that individuals and couples can rent by the hour to do whatever their heart desires. They often have pornography available to rent inside to watch as the night unfolds. Every body fluid has been spilt in such rooms. Yes, even the most gut-wrenching. Admittedly, this made my job experience much more positive to reflect on because those employees had to clean up the arcades after each use.

Sex work is real work—but the true breadth of what encompasses sex work is laid bare when working at a sex shop. This includes porn actors, porn directors, cam workers, masters and mistresses and, through unspoken but legitimate practice, escorts.

To be clear, it is a violation of federal law to solicit in-person sexual favors in exchange for monetary goods. Thus, at no point in time have I—nor any sex shop employee or institution—condoned nor permitted such acts.

That being said, the wide umbrella that sex work encompasses is a colorful one. Numerous pornstars and directors come in to purchase their equipment and you learn about all sorts of PornHub categories you would never have guessed existed—but would most likely clutch your pearls at.

Many cam workers also require specific tools of the trade to help them flourish at their job. If you’ve ever heard of toys that have wireless remote control or can connect over the internet—Lovense being the top brand—chances are it is a tool built for cam workers so that their onlookers can control the vibrations for a price.

Let’s not forget the importance of kink work as a master or mistress. Netflix’s own show Bonding is a melodramatic—but fairly accurate—portrayal of the life of sex workers as they navigate the trials and tribulations of the industry. Becoming a master or mistress sounds like an intriguing concept on paper. You, the master, command a willing and paying participant to be entirely under your control, performing whatever your client (or yourself) is into.

One customer at my shop had a client legitimately restrained in his dungeon as he ran out to shop for lube. Apparently, being unable to escape with no reassurance his master would arrive again was part of the thrill, albeit terrifying for the master who’s responsible for the person during their session. The reality, however, is that there are a million situations where something could go wrong or become dangerous.

There is no sex worker’s union. There are no worker’s rights in the BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism) community. Almost all business conducted is underground using cash or Bitcoin. There are no protections for either the professional or the client—so if a session was scheduled and no one shows up, that’s an hour’s worth of work that will never be made back. If there’s an injury that occurred within the space, the professional is completely liable for the injury that happened. If the professional themselves were injured, there’s little recourse for the perpetrator.

There’s no healthcare benefits that come with any sex work job, unless the professional pays for it out of pocket. Because of the nature of the industry, murder is a very serious and real threat that practitioners face. The foundations of secrecy make any form of prosecution or investigation into a crime in this field exponentially harder. It is here where the sex industry mantra of playing safe carries the most weight.

Playing safe is a phrase we in these industries often use because there are right ways to do things—and wrong ways. Flogging, by using a whip or paddle, can permanently harm someone if hit in the wrong spots. There are specific techniques to restrain and/or suspend someone in the air using only rope so that the individual is in a vulnerable position, but not in a stressed position. The difference lies in the perceived stress that is put on the body. If the body is put under severe physical stress, it can cause irreparable damage that isn’t enjoyable for even the most diehard BDSM fans.

Playing safe doesn’t always involve wild, imaginative sex, but can be as simple as using the right lube for intercourse. Without my job as a sex shop worker, I wouldn’t have known why the different lube types were so important. Water-based is the most flexible, and can be used with any toy while having the added benefit of being reactivated with water, including spit. Siliconbased and hybrid lubricants are the best quality for body-to-body contact, but will degrade and destroy silicone toys and condoms over time—glass toys, however, are fine. Oil-based is much harder to find, and is often not recommended for use because it can damage and irritate the body. This type is best used to put on latex clothing, but water-based lube is a sufficient alternative.

Finally, when discussing safe sex practices, it’s important to be aware of the risks of using products such as amyl nitrate. Poppers, the colloquial term, are inhalants that cause a rush of blood flow to the brain and can be used to open up an individual’s rear end for whatever needs to go inside. They are also illegal.

However, VHS cleaner, or head cleaner, is a product that sex shops are legally allowed to sell. So long as you, A) do not, under any circumstances, call it poppers and B) sell it with an intended use that is explicitly separate from its use as a drug, you’re fine. What one does with it is up to them, but you will quickly learn that in sex shops, words do matter. My advice: don’t touch it. Taking your time and working towards whatever you’re trying to do is much healthier for you than chemically inducing your body to take it in. There are also plenty of side effects which reiterates that it’s simply not worth it.

The pandemic—like it has been for many—is what caused my job to turn from a form of steady income to a distant memory. It’s one that I will never forget. My closest friends are old co-workers of mine, and the experiences that I learned from so many individuals, both employees and customers, allowed me to fully experience the diversity of human nature and pleasure.

I recommend everyone to work at a sex shop at least once in their life—and not because of how fun it is. In the end, it felt like any other retail job. What’s fulfilling is learning how to be comfortable talking about sex. It’s the best opportunity to explore what appeals to you and how your body works. It also shows you how different people can be. You come to understand that there is no such thing as normal—only different.

And you learn that difference is something to be embraced.

THE HISTORY OF ROMANCE IN LANGUAGE

ALBERTO ALONSO PUJAZON BOGANI

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, you want to be sure you have a variety of ways to woo your valentine. Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese and Romanian are five major Romance languages—so if you only know English, I suggest you keep on reading.

The term Romance itself derives from the language’s connections with Rome. The Romance languages all derive from Vulgar Latin, a spoken form of non-Classical Latin. It was originally spoken by small groups of people living along the lower Tiber River, but spread with increased Roman political power— first through Italy and eventually through most of Europe and Mediterranean coastal regions of Africa. The Romance languages are considered some of the easiest languages to identify because they share a large portion of basic vocabulary, and can easily be traced back—with few breaks—to the Roman Empire.

Romance languages continue to spread throughout the world with 920 million speakers claiming a Romance language as their mother tongue—and 300 million claiming one as a second language at the beginning of the 21st century, according to Encyclopedia Britannica.

Categorizing the Romance languages within their own family is more difficult than categorizing Romance languages themselves. The classifications are mostly based on historicogeographic categorizations—Spanish and Portuguese are IberoRomance, French is Gallo-Romance and so on. Classification of the languages are often in dispute on the basis of classification by history or phonetic similarities. Italian, for example, can be the least differentiated language when compared to traditional Latin, while French would be the most differentiated. Italian is considered a more central language because of its mutual intelligibility with other Romance languages.

You may be asking yourself, “all this history is interesting, but how can it apply to me?” Well, with Valentine’s day around the corner there’s no better time to learn some facts to back up your acts. Now, here’s to learning how to say “I love you” in each Romance language to give you a head start on swooning your valentine. LOVE, FORTUNES AND OTHER DISASTERS BY KIMBERLY KARALIUS. SOFIE BRANDT/PSU VANGUARD

SPANISH:

In Spanish, “I love you” directly translates to “Te amo.” However, “Te amo” is regarded as having heavier meaning than it does in English. “Te amo” is reserved directly for your significant other, and is only used to profess romantic, not platonic love. If you wish to communicate a more casual or platonic love between friends or family members in Spanish, say “Te quiero.”

PORTUGUESE:

In Portuguese, “I love you” directly translates to “Amo você.” “Amo você” in Portuguese can be used to express platonic casual love to friends and family members, as it is not exclusively romantic. However, if you are trying to swoon someone in Portuguese say “Amo Demais,” which translates to “I love you so much” in English.

FRENCH:

In French, “I love you” directly translates to “Je t’aime.” However, this can get confusing as “t’aime” both means “like” and “love” in French. If you wish to differentiate between the two easier, add the word “beaucoup” (a lot) to the end of the phrase—“Je t’aime beaucoup.”

ITALIAN:

In Italian, “I love you” directly translates to “Ti amo.” Similar to Spanish, “Ti amo” is reserved only for romantic love, and is something that would only be said to a romantic partner. “Ti voglio bene” is the appropriate phrase for telling a friend or family member that you love them in Italian.

ROMANIAN:

In Romanian, “I love you” directly translates to “Te iubesc.” “Te iubesc” is among many ways to express or confess love in Romanian, and like “I love you” in English, is the casual way of telling someone you love them.