Friday, March 21, 2014
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Dalhousie ‘News’ worth parodying.
Dal hockey already out of Grawood increases ID requirement 2015 playoff contention Better to get this out of the way today, huh? PAGE 19
39 pieces of ID now required to PAGE 13 enter campus bar
Move Over, Mascot New DSU levy funds live tiger replacement For plush school hero PAGE 4
Killam Memorial Subway sees successful first month Controversy. Library was a “limited-time offer,” says sandwich chain spokesman Drew Seward drew.seward@gazettro.ca
While Dalhousie’s Killam Memorial Subway™ is seeing landmark profits, Dalhousie Subways™ is facing complaints from students who say the building should have “never stopped being a library.” Casey Denton, a fourthyear classics student minoring in food studies, is searching for signatures for his petitition claiming North America’s largest Subway® should once again host
books, computers and other educational resources. The activist says that as recently as 2011, the first floor’s Subway Always-Fresh Eating Well Lounge™ was actually the site of a pond with a fountain where students could sit in “contemplation.” “By the end of the year, that pond was a Subway™,” says Denton. “By 2013, all the Killam’s books on Japanese Noh Theatre had been replaced with novels giving different origin stories for ‘the first Subway™.’ All the signs were there.” In February 2014, Dalhousie Subways™—called Dalhousie Libraries at the time, before early March’s staffing overhaul—were in a state of financial uncertainty and held several public consulta-
tions showcasing three different possible funding schemes for the year ahead. The winner was a fourth scheme suggested by hundreds of mayonnaise-scented, anonymous comment cards that flooded into the Killam, all saying “students only want to eat fresh, please expand the Subway™ infinitely” [sic]. Since the overnight conversion on Mar. 1, Dal Subways™ are saying the restaurants are bringing in outstanding revenues. The Gazettro was denied access to any financial statements or other documents related to the conversion, but stands proudly as a sponsor of Dal Subways™. Dal Subways™ are using the success as an argument Continued PAGE 3
Hundreds of kilograms of sandwich meats flow through the Killam daily. Press Photo
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
03
New Dalhousie barista program first of its kind Javalline Horton j.horton@gazettro.ca
Incoming students at Dalhousie University will have a new degree option this fall: a bachelor of arts in Barista Studies. The first program of its kind in the world, the new BA in BS – as it’s informally known – is expected to draw students from around the globe. “These are skills that will be invaluable to new graduates,” says Simon Bunn, one of the budding program’s creators. Bunn has over 10 years of experience as a Starbucks barista specializing in nondairy milk frothing. Among the courses to be
offered through the new degree are BARI1000: Intro to Coffee Beans: From Soil to Cup, BARI1050: Espresso 101, BARI2022: The Basics of Frothing and BARI2102: The History of Pastry Pairing. Once the program has enough students who meet the prerequisites, its offerings will include courses such as BARI3036: Specialty Coffees: The Rise of Alcoholic Coffee, BARI4000: Advanced Latte Art and Presentation, and BARI4011: Advanced Coffee Cupping: Subtle Notes and Aromas. If the program is deemed a success, says Bunn, the faculty will look into creating a minor. “Students can take the courses as electives and gain the skills – and they can still put that on their resume,” he says. “But with a minor, they have something more concrete to show what they’ve learned.”
Quoteds
“It’ll be a great way to kick-start my job hunt once I graduate.” Third-year history student Joe Cuppa
Third-year history student Joe Cuppa is looking forward to taking some of the introductory courses as electives next year. “These courses can give me a great foundation. Many arts programs don’t leave you with many marketable skills – this program seems to be a great solution to that,” says Cuppa. “It’ll be a great way to kick-start my job hunt once I graduate.” Bunn, who graduated from the University of King's College with a degree in Modern Ancient Studies, thinks it’s important for grads to be “multi-talented” – especially when many of them are choosing to pursue bilateral
Dal plans to offer unpaid interships in BS. Eris Siva via Wikipedia
careers. “This generation is really interesting in that young people are choosing to pursue multiple passions at once,” he says. “Since the culture around coffee is only growing, I don’t see these jobs disappearing anytime soon.” Miriam Al-Qahua, who was recruited from a Parisian café by Dal to be an instructor in espresso methods, is look-
ing forward to the opportunities the program could create for non-traditional coffees. “Here in North America, it’s all about the large double double to go,” says Al-Qahua. “But in France and in other places, it’s more about the ritual. You sip your espresso with a friend or a book,” she says, “not while running to class.”
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news
Can I help who's next? Major will provide grads with important skills
Gazettro’s non-student editor-in-chief may face recall
Oops. Gazettro
The Gazettro’s editor-inchief, Kenan Steez, has violated the student newspaper’s constitution by remaining the society’s president despite no longer being a Dalhousie student. Steez dropped out of his only class, Sports Literature: Hockey, on Feb. 29. The university informed Steez this past Tuesday that he was no
longer a student of Dalhousie. The Gazettro’s constitution states all editorial board members must be enrolled in at least one class per semester. What will happen to the last semester of Gazettro articles while Steez sat as editorin-chief is not yet known. The implications on the months of January, February, and March are still under review.
This may invalidate the Gazettro’s coverage of the Dalhousie Student Union’s (DSU) controversial decision to leave provincial lobbying group Students Nova Scotia (SNS). Steeze voted in favour of reporting on the meeting where the DSU left SNS and abstained from the vote regarding the Canadian Alli-
the values of Neoplatonist thought,” says Denton, “but we need to remind future generations there are more considerations to make in life than what you want on your footlong.” Although Denton says he’s reached 500 signatures, the chain is not concerned.
“Some students may say, ‘I love your sandwiches, but I wish we still had books,’ ” says Scott Sigilman, Subway Canada™’s director of marketing and communications. “But like so many unique, seasonally-refined Subway sandwiches, the ‘library’ feature of the Killam Subway™
was a limited-time offer.” “Freshmen arriving at the Killam Subway™ for the first time next year, for example, may never find out we once served delicious Subway™ The Hunger Games: Catching Fire™ Sriracha Steak and Chicken Melts™,” says Sigilman.
ance of Student Associations (CASA). Due to illness, Steez wasn’t at the Feb. 26 council meeting. He proxied his coverage through Christine Smoth, the Gazettro’s news editor. The Gazettro will continue to follow this story as it develops. Gazettro
Killam Subway™ Continued From Cover
for updating the school’s remaining libraries, but Denton say he’s trying to convince students the trend must be reversed. “I know selling sandwiches will bring in more money than the school could make by, say, sharing with students
“Those subs, like the academic journals once found in the Killam, were also limited-time offers. These premium promotions are how we keep our fans’ options as fresh as our ingredients, of which there are dozens of healthy choices.” Since the switch from li-
brary to restaurant, Dal has maintained a tax-exempt status on the building due to the restaurant’s nutritionally educational menus. The Killam is the largest of all 3,058 Subway™ restaurants in Canada, and the only one designed in a brutalist style.
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gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
Union’s elections surpass expectations Wa-wah. 10.9% voter turnout disappoints, but is still a success KiD Marlow kid.marlow@gazettro.ca
Dal students are roaring to meet Taknyata. VIA WiKiMedia
DSU getting their claws Rawr. Union invests in real life tiger, dares you to laugh now Elle MoWGli elle.mowgli@gazettro.ca
A levy of nine dollars per student will be instated at Dalhousie this upcoming fall, allowing $165,186 to replace the university’s iconic mascot with a live tiger. In a radical new plan proposed by the Dalhousie Student Union (DSU), students will face the slight cost increase in order to fund Dal’s new spirit plan, dubbed the “Tiger Initiative.” Amidst reports of falling school spirit, a Calgaryarea zoo has offered to lease Taknyata the Tiger to Dalhousie for the 2014-15 school year at the discounted price of
$140,000. Taknyata is the Indonesian word for ‘unreal,’ which Calgary zoo staffers say contributes not only to his Sumatran origins, but also to his kind personality and ravenous appetite. The remaining $25,186 will be allotted to shipping the 10.5 ft. tiger to Halifax. Barring major delays, he should arrive by Aug. 15. In a bid to attract more tourists, the Halifax Regional Municipality has pledged to donate the necessary funds to feed and build a home for the tiger. Taknyata will be fed primarily from roadkill the HRM has gathered from the 102 Highway, and Catertrax has offered to donate a range of snack foods. “We hope that such a novelty will help to bring in a niche market of tourists from around the province. The
Listen up
HRM has no major zoos, so the tiger will bring families in to visit the city,” says Yann Martel, a local adventure enthusiast. The tiger will begin his role as a prominent member of the Dalhousie community during the ‘14 Orientation Week, with the DSU president riding Taknyata in a parade down University Avenue. It was initially proposed that the tiger be present only at outdoor events, where he would be able to run around without posing a danger to the public. However, Zachary Hansen, a Regina-based tiger expert, has donated a carbon fibre leash that will ensure Taknyata’s comfort while also keeping him at a safe distance from crowds. The Gazettro will continue to follow this story as it develops.
The scene that unfolded in the Grawood last Friday night was one of celebration. A few faces familiar to those who pass through the Student Union Building were crowded around a table, voices raised with emotion. This group, who fondly refer to themselves as the “DSU Insiders,” was celebrating the overwhelming success of the recent election. “Every fair and democratic election requires a few things,” one insider revealed, on the condition of anonymity. “You need to create and follow clear policy, appoint a committee early and advertise your election widely. Once you get rid of those things, it’s hardly an election anymore. “It took us a while to figure out the system, but we are finally on the right track,” they added. It is clear from the jubilation that all of the “Insiders” gathered here consider it to be a success.
Campus dreamin'
Students who didn't know the elections happened were not disappointed by the results. Deborah ooman/for Gazettro
“We have been working to improve the voter turnout for years,” said one council member. “Originally our goal was to get the turnout under 10 per cent, so we just missed. Still, six per cent is a big drop. I expect in the next few years it will be at the point where it's only our friends voting!” Their crowning achievement, our anonymous source revealed, was the three-document system that governs elections policy. “It’s confusing as hell and contradicts itself in at least five places. We are still trying to figure out how to change it to give the CRO more power with less regulation. Eventually we would like the CRO to
be able to supersede the Judicial Board, and perhaps even the constitution.” Union president Sugar Jaw was thrilled with the results: “I have received a lot of feedback over the last few days, including from a few students who didn’t know there was an election happening. That’s incredibly encouraging that news just isn’t leaving this building. I hope to hear more over the next few days about how students have no idea what the DSU does.” The Gazettro has since learned the whole elections committee resigned immediately following the election citing personal reasons.
Yummy conundrum
Gazettro editor-in-chief commits to 100 Days of Listening
Sexton campus: probably a figment of our collective imagination
South House announces mix-up with edible and non-edible condoms
Inspired by a rousing campaign by Dalhousie's president this past fall, incoming Gazettro editorin-chief Joseph Weird will be taking 100 days to listen. “Fluoride is a smart man. He just walked around taking feedback,
Dalhousie has been selling the idea of marketable skills in architecture and engineering through their rundown but lovable Sexton campus, but reports now say this community doesn't exist. Reporters ventured to the campus, only to find
Students endured a short scare when South House publicly warned patrons that edible chocolate condoms had accidentally been put in a basket next to the regular chocolate condoms. Thankfully, only two students reported grabbing
and after three months did a report on it. Now, I won't be doing a report or anything, but the feedback will be nice.” The next issue of the Gazettro will be published in March 2015. Gazettro
the “Gym” and “T-Room” to be western-styled cardboard cutouts of buildings. When asked, students in the area shuffled away quickly, talking into their jackets in hushed tones. Reporters were soon escorted off the premises. Gazettro
the wrong dark chocolate delights. No casualties have been reported. Gazettro On the web Read the news on the internet like everyone else at gazettro.ca
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
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The tight-knit liberal arts school has found a new home. Jasspereet Sahib/for gazettro
King’s students sealing themselves off inside Dalplex Study zone. Students say cold, airtight, isolated environment “perfect” Drew Seward drew.seward@gazettro.ca
Students at the University of King’s College are celebrating the school’s new expansion into the Dalplex, saying the realms beyond the airtight doors of the facility’s athletics dome are perfect for studying the history of the western hermetic tradition. While the move was originally made because the badminton courts are empty on Wednesday mornings and King’s needed more classrooms, more King’s students are trying to enroll in courses taking place in the unique classroom. The Gazettro visited the gym to find out why. “The high ceilings are certainly preferable,” says Cassandra Yonge, a third-year history of science and technology major. “They enable me to write in my preferred manner, which is gluing the string of a helium balloon to the end of
a scroll of fax paper which I feed through my Selectric so as I type I can see my ideas float up and away from me as they are produced through my fingers and extended on the scroll,” says Yonge. “The paper extending out of the typewriter is like the firing of my neurons extending into my fingers from my consciousness, this is basically the only way that anyone here is writing now and […]” Students of the school’s famous First Year Program are finding the new classroom to be one more interesting surprise in their journey through western thought. “The Dalplex gives us lots of room to put our tables in a big Socratic circle, so it is really the perfect place to learn about Ancient Greece and Dome,” says FYP student Sherry Ray. “I mean Rome, not Dome, of course there’s no Ancient Dome. Well actually there are ancient domes, or rather *were*, I mean the Babylonians had palatial domes that […]” The very few international students at King’s are also finding the Dalplex to be an ideal place of study. “Growing up, I was lucky enough to be presented with
many options for my future— but it was difficult to make any choices. So when I was 17, I pressed ‘Random page’ on Wikipedia until I reached a university, and this was the one,” says FYP student Braeman Saint-Saens, originally from the Isle of Man. “To study in a gymnasium is absolutely charming— where better to ponder the Sispyhean nature of human existence than within the view of men repeatedly lifting up big metal poles? Where better to […]” Jimbo Drillard, a fourthyear contemporary studies student, says the athletic setting inspires new patterns of thought. “After a lecture on the top 10 notes taken by students of Wittgenstein, I started playing basketball by myself, and I realized—a game of basketball against yourself is still a game of one-on-one,” says Drillard. “If you ball with one other person, it’s one-on-one. But balling by yourself, trying to beat your past records, is still one-on-one—we are always balling against ghosts of ourselves, it is only whether we choose to acknowledge this that […]”
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gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
WATERGATE Scandal. Investigation underway in to Ocean Sciences Building costs Ariel Nixon ariel.nixon@gazettro.ca
Students at Dalhousie University are protesting in front of the Henry Hicks building following the recent scandal surrounding the new Ocean Sciences Building. Trouble started when receipts began washing ashore after last month's big storm. Due to the unique chemical composition of the Halifax Harbour, the receipts were perfectly preserved. However, it was not until one of these receipts made their way into the hands of Dal student Carl Bernstein did questions surface. “It was just something guys were passing around
the harbour, something like a ‘look what I found stuck to my boat’ story. I remember at first laughing about it with my friends, thinking that it had to be a fake, a joke of some kind,” said Bernstein. “But then I noticed that the company was local, and the bill was made out to John Ehrlichman, and thinking, ‘isn’t he the head of the Oceanography department?’ What use could he possibly have with a disco ball made of diamonds?” Several other receipts contained similar items such as Megadon DNA and archeologically retrieved mugs reportedly from Atlantis. In the wake of students demanding answers, the university’s Board of Governors has ordered an internal audit to investigate the legitimacy of the receipts. The audit uncovered that not only were cappuccino machines installed in
every bathroom, but funding from other university programs such as sports, cafeteria food and maintenance had been redirected into the building project. “It’s surreal. You hear about these things, but you never suspect you will see it,” said James Neal, lead financial auditor. “But the numbers they initially gave us don’t add up, the books have been faked, the receipts are missing, and to top it off, we have only managed to account for $25 billion dollars that was reported as missing. We still have $23 billion dollars unaccounted for.” Once word got out, students from campuses all around the Maritimes rose up in outrage. Officials are delaying any punitive action until the audit is complete and the real cost of the building is determined. Since the news broke, uni-
Rumours of a live blue whale within the building are unconfirmed. Calum Agnew/for Gazettro
versity personnel have been combing the shore of the harbour to try and find clues as to where the receipts came from. In the meantime, students have their own ideas as to what happened to the missing records. “If they want to find out where the receipts are, just check the bottom of the ocean! These are marine sci-
entists, people—of course that’s where they’re going to hide things,” said Bob Woodward, rally co-organizer. Both Dal administration and the oceanography department have declined to comment at this time, although lawyers representing both groups were taped whacking their heads against the wall after meeting with
their clients. Investigations are still ongoing, but professors with classes in the controversial building are reporting that attendance has risen 300 per cent since students found out about the cappuccino machines and 24-hour masseuse in the washrooms.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
Zoom
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Real Tweets
What is this building?
Oh Henry!
The building that so often graces our cover is none other than the Henry Hicks Academic Administration building. It houses the registrar and classes and…things. It’s most commonly used as a source of warmth on the way to the Life Sciences Building.
Why is it always on our cover?
As one of Dalhousie’s only aesthetically pleasing buildings, it’s an easy choice when it comes to the Gazettro’s generic Dalhousiefocused covers. Even the Dalhousie website makes prolific use of the building, showcasing the greatness of the university. As for Sexton campus, well, they send us the Sextant every week, but we still can’t find the actual campus. Gazettro
Jasspreet sahib/for Gazettro
@DalGazette asked: What do you think about the Dalhousie Student Union's decision to rejoin CASA and Students NS? @MarkCoffin: people are clearly angry & too lazy or careless to learn & share the full truth. Bad for DSU and bad for democracy. @StudentsNS: Regardless of feelings about organizations, it's hard to argue that the process was fair, or even transparent. @klynneerickson: OH LOOK! Dal is finally doing the thing and supporting their students. A school supporting studentsgroundbreaking. @haliqueercub: I am so confusd A: y do these votes keep happnng B: how ws #sagargate tabld? C: y r ppl changing thr minds @fourbarphrase: DSU council is like a poorly scripted, unsexy soap opera that keeps getting cancelled & then renewed midseason
Twitter!
it's like the news.
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News
Wolfe leading the pack DSU leadership. Former VP internal assumes control after two presidents recalled in a single meeting Zoe Barnes zoe.barnes@gazettro.ca
In a shocking turn of events, former VP internal Arron Wolfe has been named Dalhousie Student Union (DSU) president after a snap recall vote on Mar. 20, following a protest wherein 600 students filled the Student Union Building (SUB) atrium with torches and pitchforks. Deposed president Sugar Jaw was removed from office after news broke earlier this semester that the student union president was himself not a student. On Feb. 3, he dropped his only course and was therefore in violation of the DSU constitution’s rules governing executive eligibility. By-law II defines a member of the union as someone who is registered in at least one course and has paid the DSU fee. Kash Croteau, Sexton campus director, noticed the motion for Jaw’s recall on the previous meeting. In an effort to prevent the vote from going through, several councillors left the room just before the vote was to take place, which would have rendered the vote out of order. This was, allegedly, a brazen attempt by Jaw’s supporters to keep him in power for the remainder of the term. “It is unfortunate that Mr. Jaw and his ‘party’ felt the need to use such tricks to prevent the voice of democracy from being heard. Those who wanted the vote had no problem at all with the job he was
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Patrolin'
Tiger Patrol fined for 'riding dirty' After complaints by students that Tiger Patrol has playing 'Riding Dirty' by that one-rapperno-one-remembers on repeat, the service has received a fine of $114. When asked why they insisted on that one song, drivers admitted they thought it would help them "get girls." Since the incident became public, no women have used the Tiger Patrol service. Let the games begin
Senate race to be determined by battle to the death
Wolfe takes a seat on the DSU throne. Kit Moran/for Gazettro Vicious
“Democracy is so overrated.” DSU president Arron Wolfe
doing, but the constitution is clear: you must be a student.” says Croteau, following the meeting. “These are the rules, and they are there for a reason.” While the councillors attempted to vacate the room, Wolfe, VP internal in 201213, pointed out to the chair that DSU policy states “in the event that quorum is not reached, councillors may be arrested and brought in forcefully by Dalhousie Security.” (Union Rules and Procedures, Section 16.6.e) After an hour of waiting, security managed to secure quorum. “Here under protest!” declared Alex LeCavelier, commerce representa-
tive. The rule in question has not been enacted since 1985, when quorum was needed to pass a motion banning exotic dancing in the McInnes room. After some heated comments, the vote passed 21 in favour, 10 against and two in abstention, and Jaw was removed as president. In accordance with the constitution, Ramirez Aziziz, current VP internal, was announced as acting-president for the remainder of the semester. In his first act as DSU president, he announced Wolfe as acting VP internal for the remainder of the semester, given his experience. That motion was met with unanimous approval from council. “Competence is such an exotic bird in these woods that I appreciate it whenever I see it,” said Board of Governors representative JD Sa-
linger before the vote. “Mr. Wolfe will ensure the job is done and societies get what they need.” The real controversy came only seconds after Wolfe was voted in. Joshua Crook, VP finance and operations, pointed out that Aziziz had missed four council meetings throughout the year, thus automatically disqualifying him from his position on the executive. After consulting the constitution, the chair confirmed that Aziziz was automatically recalled, and as a result Wolfe was named acting-president for the remainder of the year. Despite protest from council, and a quick reminder that Wolfe was one of the members of Crook's hiring board, the decision was recorded in the minutes as final. “I’m pleased with council’s decision and can assure you I will execute the office of the
President to the best of my abilities” said Wolfe, accepting the position. When asked if he could avoid the drama and pain faced by the previous two presidents, he told the Gazettro, “There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.” Herma Midan, the second Board of Governors representative, is planning on taking council’s decision to the Judicial Board. “This is a clear affront to democracy.” he said. “While I respect Mr. Wolfe and the work he did last year, he ran in no election and had no ballot cast in his name. This decision is wrong.” In response, the new president had only this to say: “Democracy is so overrated.”
Faculties across Dalhousie are all selecting one tribute for Dal After Dark’s new Judgment Day event. Of the tributes chosen, a grand battle to the death shall ensue. Tributes shall be sent to the Dalplex where they will be locked in the main gymnasium, with obstacles and weapons littered about the mouth of a cornucopia. Only three will survive, earning trophies and Dal News interviews for their respective faculties. Technical support has been preparing for the event. The link to their livestream will be available shortly before Judgment Day. On the web More carnage online at gazettro.ca
The Gazettro is the 2013-14 incarnation of the Dalhousie Gazette's spoof issue. This issue is a parody, intended as humour, and no harm was meant to any individuals in the writing of this issue. Issue 146-22. Editor-in-Chief Ian Froese • Copy/Online Editor Joelline Girouard • News Editor Kristie Smith • Asst. News Editor Jesse Ward • Opinions Editor Sam Elmsley • Arts Editor Mat Wilush • Asst. Arts Editor Zoe Doucette • Sports Editor Benjamin Blum • Asst. Sports Editor Daniel Bergman • Photo Editor Chris Parent • Art Director Emily Davidson • Business Manager Aaron Merchant • Financial Manager Isaac Green • The Dalhousie Gazette • The SUB, Room 312, 6136 University Avenue, Halifax NS B3H 4R2 • Telephone: 494-1280 • Advertising: 401-9666 • advertising@dalgazette.com • News tips: news@dalgazette.com • Gazettro website: www.gazettro.ca • Dalhousie Gazette website: www.dalgazette.com
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
News
09
Savage wolverines help the exam blues Feral friends. Dalhousie opts for wolverines over puppies
We are looking for next year’s
Art Director, Online Editor, Photo Editor and Video Editor
Amadeus Wallflower a.wallflower@gazettro.ca
Dalhousie has chosen not to implement a puppy room this year, claiming that “puppies do not adequately prepare students for the brutality of exam season.” Instead, Dalhousie administration has— through a series of highly lucrative transactions—obtained four fully-grown wolverines, which they will provide to students as a means of mental preparation. “Oh, these aren’t your typical born-in-captivity, pampered wolverines,” says
Work for the Gazette!
Please see dalgazette.com/hiring for more information Social media is abuzz over Dal's wolverine room. Kit Moran/For Gazettro
program leader Danny Danhanahan, “these are real, wild killers. See this? I almost lost
a pinky.” Students are to report to the wolverine room for an
hourly session whenever they feel optimistic about an upcoming exam.
Application deadline is March 29 at 6 p.m.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Summer Fashion
Scene
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Dalhousie to evict Dalhousie Art Gallery
Geriachic.
Mournice Feelt
Wikimedia
“Imma Take your Grandma’s style.” Karl Lagerfeld
Unpaid Intern #580 free.labour@gazettro.ca
It seems like olds are everywhere these days. Blogs like Advanced Style and wizened celebrities like Helen Mirren are proving that olds can stay hip and with it, even after hip stops being hip. Olds might even be so behind that they’re ahead of the curve. “Elderly people are the ultimate fashion icons,” says Jack McCullough of coveted label Proenza Schouler. For our latest collection, we spent a lot of time visiting care homes and watching people hang out at mall foodcourts. We were totally inspired by their lack of self-consciousness. Being old is being real.” Spring/Summer 2014 runways saw diamondencrusted walkers, sock garters, girdles and orthopedic shoes. Sarah Burton even showed avant-garde artificial back-hunches for Alexander McQueen.
mournice.feelt@gazettro.ca
Dalhousie administration announced on Thursday they would be evicting the Dalhousie Arts Gallery in an attempt to tap into Halifax’s latest trend: the removal of city art space. “We’re really excited to be taking part in such an avantgarde movement,” says Lorna Bleaker, Dalhousie’s media coordinator. “It’s so refreshing to see the city take such an interest in the arts.” This decision comes after the eviction of several art spaces throughout the city in recent months. I mean, who needs those, anyways? Dal’s artist community couldn’t be more thrilled with the university’s decision. Neal Crassidy, a second-year student at Dalhousie, claims that, “everyone knows that great art is best left unseen. Everyone knows that. Art-
For how long will the Arts Centre hold art? Gazettro
ists should be able to have the freedom to practice their craft at home and make sure that nobody ever sees it.” While it is still undecided
what will become of the space, Bleaker has hinted that they “might just leave it empty, or whatever.”
Who cares?
“might just leave it empty, or whatever.” Lorna Bleaker, Dal media coordinator
Get the look
Blank canvas?
• High-waisted pants: above bellybutton, or up to the armpit for the more daring • Sure-foot all-terrain cane: It’s not offensive; it’s selfexpression.
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Scene
Old lady gem-sweater visionary, Leslie Hall. via
Art sucks. Hey, everyone else is doing it
The fish? You'll have to catch your own. ViA Flickr
• Aviators: The ‘80s revival brought these old-school specks back, and they’re here to stay
Taking down that god awful art at the Dalhousie Art Gallery reveals beautiful, white walls. Can't you just feel the complete lack of any sense of community? We are alone in this sterile world. Learn to live with it. Gazettro
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why aren't you PLAYING
Call of Duty: Bravo Sierra Fist bump Did you come here looking for a review of some ninny indie game? Screw that noise! You want a real game, for real gamers. You’re looking for hardcore, domination of the enemy! You’re looking for a game with guns! A game with explosions, and gadgets and bad guys of indeterminately vague ethnicities! Well you can quit looking, badasses of the world, because now there’s Call of Duty: Bravo Sierra! Jump into the shoes of marine core air force supersonic fighter pilot/secret agent
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Scene
John “Spectre” Johnson as he fights the good fight against Russians or something. Joined by elite commandos like Tyrone “Token” Brown, Charlie “Chance” McCloud, and that third guy who dies in the second mission, Spectre must take to battle on land, sea and in the air. Fight in the desert, arctic tundra, and even a secret underwater base, culminating in a desperate, epic shootout! But let’s face it, you’re not here for the campaign, you’re here for the bloodshed! Ain’t nobody give a crap about NPCs! Call of Duty: Bravo Sierra is jam packed with multiplayer action. With
Celeb tweets
over 20 maps to choose from and 15 game modes, you can find almost infinite amounts of ways to have 10-year-olds shoot you in the face and remind you of how they porked your mom last night. Tired of kids with too much time on their hands having all the good guns? No worries! Each rank, and the perks that come with it, can be purchased for the low price of $2.99, or you can jump right to Five Star General for only $45.99! Don’t let “leveling up” get in the way of your game, jump right in with more convenient than ever direct billing. Want to put a grumpy cat decal on your Desert Eagle? Out of ammo mid-battle and can’t be bothered to find an ammo drop? Wish you could call in an air strike without actually getting the kills to call in one? Just link your bank account through direct billing, and whenever you’re
@katyperry: EKHI AZAGTHOTH EKHI ASARU EKHI CUTHALU @mileyraycyrus: Open the door/ Lest I cause the Dead to outnumber the Living! NINNGHIZHIDDA, Spirit of the Deep, Watcher of the gate, Open!
Big guns, big booms, big egos. PRess imaGe
in need, Bravo Sierra will have you covered. Pre-order Call of Duty: Bravo Sierra now and get the limited Activision Elite deluxe edition for $112.99. Elite Deluxe packages included limited edition lithographs, an art book containing concept art for the game and an Activision brand
butt-plug, so you can skip right past the middle man and get straight to Activision screwing you in the ass. Pre-order now while supplies last. Arctic tundra, underwater base and desperate shootout mission packs available for $12.99 each on day one. Vaughn PearMANLY III
@kanyewest: Was not Man created from the blood of KINGU? Does not man possess in his spirit the seed of rebellion against the Elder Gods? @Harry_Styles: Rending of the bowels, devouring of the flesh, and madness In all ways hast thou persecuted me! Mad God of CHAOS! May GIRRA free me!
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Scene
13
Grawood ups ID requirement to 39 pieces
You might need to upsize your wallet. Amanda RolFe/for Gazettro
It Makes Sense, OK? New rule aims to tighten security and promote studentbouncer bonding time The Grawood has announced that in order to enter beyond 9 p.m., all students will now
need to show 39 pieces of identification. The Grawood has released a list of pieces that students must present upon entering. The list includes: Driver’s License, DalCard, governmentissued health card, SIN card, photograph of childhood home, credit card, all credit card statements from the last 8 months, blood sample, Dal-
housie transcript, proof of a police check, all high school report cards, paternity test, detailed account of your first sexual fantasy, all airline tickets from the past three years, a baby tooth, an article of your first work uniform and a pinky promise. Matt Walrus/Gazettro
Gazettro Dish our take on the world of celebrities "I'm gay"
Ellen Page comes out, Haligonians nod knowingly National news and entertainment outlets were aflutter with "This just in: some stars are gay" headlines following Page's emotional announcement on Feb. 14. Several Haligonias took to Twitter and Facebook claiming they "knew all along."
We only wish our home town girl had wished everyone a "Happy Pink Triangle Day" instead of Valentine's Day at the end of her otherwise flawless coming out speech.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Voices
15
Books are overrated Hip rep. Dal should focus on computers guy@gazettro.ca
Here it is: the truth about the library acquisitions budget. On Feb. 25, as Gazettro contributor Sabrina Hex reported earlier this month, the library proposed three potential models for the new budget. In all three models, 50 per cent of the budget would go to acquisitions. Although cut by $600,000, $5.7 million will still go to purchases and renewals. Of that, 7.2 per cent will go to the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS), down from 50.6 per cent. The budget cuts have been a controversial topic, heavily criticized by faculties and students for the decline in available resources and the damage to Dal’s reputation as a professional research institution. However, these attitudes are misguided. The acquisition cut, especially the 86 per cent cut to FASS, is the best decision Dal has ever made, for three simple reasons. First, Dal must differentiate itself from other universities. New scholars, working
Hardworking students are making us look bad. Just keep cutting that book budget. Deborah Oomen A picture's worth 1,000 words
“Put framed photos of books on the shelves instead, or add more computers. The university needs more dormant machines on campus.” SUB, Rowe, Mona Campbell, Henry Hicks and Goldberg aren’t enough. When I’m in a windowless concrete book prison with cheese grater brick walls and sub-zero temperatures, I like to relax. I’d love to spend
all my breaks there, breathing in mouldy fumes, and I would if it weren’t for those padded seats. Granted, being surrounded by books motivates me to work hard, but why should I? Every other university is filled with stu-
dents who work hard. When it comes time to job hunt, I need something to set me apart from the thousands of graduates flooding the market. For those three reasons— academia, practicality, and reputation—Dal has clearly made the correct decision to mangle the library acquisitions budget. So, do what you do best, Dal. Just keep cutting, just keep cutting, just keep cutting, cutting, cutting.
Oh windowless gym, where art thou? Flourescent. Nowhere to be found in Halifax RichArd cinnamon cinnamon@gazettro.ca
THIS. Randii Sullivan/for Gazettro
I’ve looked in the North End. I’ve traipsed all over Spryfield in search of it. I’ve even scouted out the boardwalk. But a gym without windows is just nowhere to be found. I personally cannot focus in a well-lit athletic facility. I mean, have you BEEN to the Canada Games Centre? Whose idea was it to install those flawless, floor-to-
ceiling windows on the pool deck? I spend way more time staring into the Great Outdoors than I do with my face in the water. No, I prefer a pool with minimal lighting. By depriving myself of all sense of time, I could sustain a longer practice! Whole days could go by without me realizing that the sun has risen and set while I was swimming. Would I be buff, or would I be buff? That’s what I thought. If only there was such a gym in Halifax. A gym you had to walk down a hill to get to. A gym whose change
rooms were located another flight of stairs into the ground. Whose pool deck was another three levels into the earth. Whose architecture resembled a cross between a rat maze experiment and the Minotaur’s labyrinth. Unfortunately, the City of Halifax has yet to buy in to this vision. Luckily, there’s a giant pit across from Argyle Street that looks like prime basement-pool territory. Conference centres need pools, right? Let’s fill ‘er in! The deeper underground, the better!
3
VoiceS
Guy Montog
on new scholarship, are everywhere. This fad has caused a surplus in new research. What will happen when professors retire? There will be nobody trained in old research methods and outdated theories. Dal students should be prepared to step in and fill the gap. Why do something new and unfamiliar, like everyone else, when you can do something old and familiar? Second, Dal has many floors worth of books already. Rather than buy new editions, we should preserve the decaying ones that nobody wants to touch for fear of contracting tetanus. Put framed photos of books on the shelves instead, or add more computers. The university needs more dormant machines on campus. Third, this is Halifax. Dal needs to adopt more of that Haligonian spirit and provide a friendly, laid back, uncompetitive environment. Therefore, we should cut those acquisitions further and turn all libraries into a lounge. Get rid of irritating, hardworking students who actually use the desks and want new books—they’re making us all look bad. Replace those desks and workspaces with comfy couches, because the ones in the Atrium, McCain,
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gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Voices
Down with weed Gaunga. The green monster haunts my nightmares
tears of orphan children—and it smelled like green death. I told him between gulps of beer that drugs were dangerous and addictive, but he laughed as he pulled a lighter from his pocket and struck a flame. We are facing a crisis of morality in He took a hit, and offered it to me as people gathfederal politics, one that has federal ered around my periphery like some Tim Burton party leaders like Justin Trudeau conmovie. templating the legalization of harmI’ve heard from politicians that you can smoke ful drugs, like marijuana. Any attenwithout inhaling, but I could not figure out how tive student can tell you that drugs that works in time to save myself. Before I could are bad, no matter what they are or react, I took three long hits, held my breath, and where they come from. Any move to rudely blew smoke into other people’s faces. I was make drugs legal is a slippery slope instantly so high that I could not stop my feet from to social disorder. Marijuana is a moving. I was dancing like I had no control, and Controlled Substance banned substance because it is dandancing is always better in strict form. gerous to humans. Then, without warning, something came over My first experience with ‘Mary me. I ran out of the room as fast as I could as my Jane’ left me scarred. I was at a shin- just.frazer@gazettro.ca stomach turned inside out with desire. The Pop dig, pounding shots and generally Tarts were not mine, none of them were, but I ate drinking my face off, when my friend pulled me to the side and them one after another in blind lust. I still can’t go down that produced a closed fist from his pocket. He opened his fingers aisle at the grocery store without calling my therapist. to reveal a joint. It was rolled on a scrap of bible, sealed with the Marijuana is a dangerous drug. The expert lawmakers in
Just Frazer
the United States classify marijuana as a Schedule I substance, grouping it with heroin and above cocaine as a testament to its negative effects. Marijuana is shown to be less addictive than alcohol with a minuscule lethal dose, but pharmaceutical companies who employ thousands of drug experts are against marijuana, and I trust them. Even their best drugs have ranging, complex side-effects, so if they consider marijuana dangerous, so do I. It all depends on who you want to be in life. Ask anyone dressed in a business suit if they smoke marijuana; they will say no. Why? Because they like having a job and money. Marijuana is only smoked by jazz musicians and hippies who don’t know what decade it is, and we can only guess their drugs are to blame for their lack of money, rude haircuts, bad smell and ratty clothes. People are weak and stupid, so if we allow a nefarious substance like marijuana to be legalized, all bets are off on whether or not we will become a bunch of lazy, no-good, rotten druggies. In the meantime, we can rest easy on our laurels with a box of beer and a pack of cigarettes, knowing that drugs will not influence our decisions or ruin our lives.
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d ra
g dmi a? r n fo ijua g r n ki ma o o
L
K O O
L
NO
F
H T UR
! R E University DealersTM
has you covered Most days of the week Questionably inconsistent times of day *Top-shelf if you’re lucky and willing to pay
No to marijuana! (Yes to alcohol!) Jasspreet Sahib/For Gazettro
parody ad
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Life
17
Click your way to happiness in 5 easy steps Cyber flirt
For Gazettro
If that date falls through, you can still stay home and creep profiles. Bryn Karcha/for Gazettro
In today’s busy, fast-paced society, meeting people organically is becoming increasingly difficult. Long gone are the days of happenstance meetings at a bus stop or at the bar—people are too interested in their iPhones and their one-night stands. But for those who are looking to date—no matter what the end goal—online dating websites are showing no signs of slowing down. No matter which site you choose, here are five ways to make your online foray a good one.
Honesty Brutal honesty. Emotionally stunted and don’t like people all that much? Better to get that out in the open before date numero uno. White lies It sounds contradictory, we know, but making yourself sound just a little better than you actually are could help you get all those first dates you’re looking for.
Persistence When she said she wasn’t interested, she only meant she wasn’t interested right now. Try again in a few days—if you’re lucky, she’ll have forgotten your face and username by then. He didn’t answer your message at all? It probably just got buried—keep trying, and don’t give up. No one ever got their true love without trying.
Give absolutely everyone a chance You really don’t think this person is attractive, and they sent you a lackluster message—but hey, they’ll go on a date with you, right? This is the best philosophy to adopt in order to maximize the return you get from your online dating experience. After all, it’s quantity, not quality—right?
4
Life
Alright Loverboy
Photos The people you want to date don’t only want to see pictures of you—they want to see pictures of your pets, your art, whatever you’re passionate about. Love your furbaby more than anything? Trust me, they want to know.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Sports
Cross-country team boycotts season due to lack of Gazettro coverage
SPorts
5
18
We're black! We're gold! Our story isn't told! Chris Parent/For Gazettro
Banner season. Team is envious of the preferential treatment given to swimming and literally any other group at Dal that does physical stuff BENJAMIN Graham grammy@gazettro.ca
Despite Dalhousie’s women’s cross-country team winning the banner at the AUS championships, head coach Rich Martin winning women’s
coach of the year and the men, well, trying their best, both cross-country teams have allegedly banded together to boycott next season. The boycott is derived from consistent frustration amongst members of the team from lack of coverage from our publication, The Gazettro. Even though I personally wrote their cover story last semester and included a member of their team in out “Most Eligible Tigers” issue last month, the painstaking efforts of yours truly have gone unnoticed by the teams. The teams have been missing for the last two weeks,
leaving no evidence of their whereabouts. However, witnesses in Alabama have stated they saw the team running alongside Forrest Gump last week, who is about to arrive back in Greenbow for the 56,291st time. Martin, who to quote his dream journal is “super pissed that no one told him about the boycott,” has taken it upon himself to rebuild the team. The ‘new’ team consists of members of Howe Hall’s intramural basketball team, fourth-line players on both of Dal’s hockey teams, and a Little Tiger he found running on the Dalplex track.
Dream journal
“super pissed that no one told him about the boycott.” Rich Martin, head coach
It has been rumored that Martin sent this newly formed team to train in either the Rockies or southern regions of Africa with the hopes of taking their training to the next level. Members on the new team are now each projected to beat AUS-winner John Kuto’s time by at least five minutes. Witnesses have stated that
they’ve seen Martin having numerous conversations with Usain Bolt about applying to Dal and joining the squad, but nothing has been confirmed. As well, Martin recently returned from northern India with an actual tiger cub as his newest recruit, causing a literal and figurative uproar on campus. So if any cross-country runners have decided to open the Gazettro this week, we tell you this: we’re sorry and we’ll do a better job next year. Maybe. We’ll see. Not really sure. This new team looks super good. Especially Mr. Fluffles.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Sports
19
House of Tigers Crossover success? Kevin Spacey tapped as new athletic director C.T. Wookie wookieman@gazettro.ca
This week, Dalhousie’s athletic department has major news to announce. With the recent departure of athletic director Kerry Lesse, the university has been in need of a major replacement. With much relief, the Athletic Department announced that the search has come to a successful end. The replacement for Mrs. Lesse will be none other than Oscar-winner and Emmy-nominated actor, Kevin Spacey. That’s right, Frank Underwood is taking his talents from Pennsylvania Avenue to University Avenue and will be taking the reins of the athletic department. There have already been significant changes seen at Dalhousie University this year, such as the inauguration of Dalhousie’s new president Richard Fluoride. The appointment of Spacey comes with no shortage of drama, but did not come as a surprise to the fictional former congressman. Spacey claimed during a fourth-wall breaking monologue to have helped the president land the wellpaying job at Dalhousie and was looking for the favour to be repaid. Fluoride saw the opportunity as a perfect fit with the departure of Lesse, and his decision was rewarded almost
Spacey moves from the White House to the Grad House. Press photo Quoted
“after a few CIS national banners, it will be the top of Maclean’s magazine charts I’ll be aiming for.” Richard Floride, Dalhousie president
immediately. Shortly after the announcement of Spacey’s hiring, the department announced it will be their priority to increase student attendance at varsity games. On the heels of this announcement, the president’s office released a statement outlining their plans to divert funding from the library, residence and sanitation budgets to fund renovations of the Dalplex and increase athletic scholarships. This announcement has stunned university administrators, who fear that the president is already in
Spacey’s well-tailored pocket. Fluoride is optimistic about his new hire, throwing support behind the man best know for the Keyser Söze incident of 1995. The president made no secret of his vision of the future, stating that “after a few CIS national banners, it will be the top of Maclean’s magazine charts I’ll be aiming for.” The question remains: how long can Fluoride stay in the spotlight before the attention shifts to Spacey and his ambitions of not only athletic, but administrative success as well? With manipulative machinations already in place, and his past actions common knowledge to anyone with their roommate’s Netflix password, does Spacey have his eyes set on the very same job he helped Fluoride land? Gazettro
Donair sauce
Joey Chestnut to compete in 3rd annual donair eating contest Signalling a major change in the world of competitive eating, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a god among mortals at the Nathan’s Original Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island, New York,
has announced that he will be renouncing his usual fare. In a shocking move, Chestnut will take part in “King of Donair’s Coronation Challenge”, the third annual donair-eating
competition held by the Halifax establishment. The event, to be held on the Commons, is expected to draw a large crowd, with spectators hoping to see Chestnut break Matt “Sasquatchewan” Hawkins’ alltime record of 23 donairs in under an hour. Gazettro
Does this move pave the way for a Dal Golf team? David Munro/for Gazettro
Dal hockey preemptively eliminated from playoffs Sad face. Men’s and women’s teams resigned to their fate Steve Progresso progresso@gazettro.ca
It’s official: the Dalhousie men’s and women’s hockey teams have already been eliminated from 2014-15 AUS playoff contention. Despite the fact that the regular season doesn’t begin until October, it appears all hope is lost yet again for the Black and Gold on returning to postseason glory. In something that’s become an annual occurrence for Ti-
gers hockey, there appears to be no surprise reaction from both teams. One men’s team member was quoted as saying “it’s good to get it out of the way early. When failure is the status quo, you can never let anyone down.” Attitudes around campus can be described as indifferent at best. When asked for comment on the recent revelation, a first-year student responded “we have a hockey team?” It’s been a rough go for Tigers hockey over the past few seasons, as it was only two short years ago the university demolished their on campus arena in favour of a plush new residence building. Since
then, the teams have played at the Halifax Forum in the North End, where attendance has almost solely been comprised of hipsters with neck beards watching the games for ironic, pseudo-Dionysian purposes. The last (and only) time Dalhousie captured AUS men's hockey gold, “My Sharona” topped the Billboard charts and the Soviet Union was still a thing. Hope still remains for both squads to make the playoffs in 2015-16, but the chances of that happening are about as good as Michael Jackson busting out of his casket and doing the moonwalk.
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Sports
An increased sense of righteous indignation
Like many who have lived for too long in the shadow of “Ben’s 10,” Dan carries around a long list of grievances he can’t wait to tell you all about. He plans to use this space to levy accusations against everyone who has slighted him—in ways both real and imagined— over the course of his 21 years on this planet. As he likes to say, “it’s not slander if you really believe it.”
5 Dan’s
reasons this list is better than Ben’s 10 ever was
Fewer obscure sports references From Al Hrabosky to Memorial Arena, “Ben’s 10” often contained allusions to people and places whose names many readers had never heard before. In the future, “Dan’s Five” will focus less on urban myths (a hockey rink at Dal? really?) in order to concentrate its energy on delivering the kind of hard-hitting content that the modern reader has come to expect. Which brings us to our next item…
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
A higher degree of “meta” commentary about the list-making activity According to Gazettro opinion polls, kids these days are sick of the kinds of well-constructed jokes—with ‘punchlines’ and ‘humour’—that were a hallmark of the “Ben’s 10” series. Instead, what the youth really want is comedy that is self-aware to the point of neurosis. If you don’t think it’s funny, it’s probably because you’re not cool enough to get it.
And finally, of course, some self-congratulatory rhetoric Isn’t this a good list? Yeah, we thought so.
More obscure references to ’60s pop music
One of the most oft-repeated complaints about “Ben’s 10” was that its author devoted almost no space to detailing the cultural importance of British Invasion bands like Herman’s Hermits and The Troggs. Under the new regime, this oversight will be immediately rectified.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Sports
21
Djournalism Unedited:
Profiling Scruffy MacMinster Scotch-soaked. An inside look at what one contributor really thinks In our line of work it can be difficult to find contributors. Come by on Monday evenings and it's usually just the editors and a few vagrants looking for a free slice of pizza. But every now and then, we find someone who consistently offers their input and brings new life to the paper. Their opinions grace our pages, and yet we know nothing about them personally. In an effort to learn about the person behind the commentary, we decided to fly in our favourite newcomer from Aberdeen’s correctional institute to see our campus and have a chat. In a Gazettro exclusive, Scruffy MacMinster discusses non-athletic issues that are near and dear to his Scotch-soaked heart. The Gazettro provided the following topics and Scruffy responded in full force.
On Obamacare:
I still can’t nary believe that they legalized pot in the States! Maybe they did because the Obamacare website only makes sense when you’re high. If they had a wee dram o’ sense they’d follow the Scottish model: if it hurts, quit complaining. If it’s serious, amputate and then quit complaining.
On Scottish gastronomy:
All this talk of weeds makes me homesick for some right proper Scottish cooking. I miss me Mam and her homemade haggis. The pungent delightful smell, like it was straight off the farm. Stronger than a hundred sweaty rugby players crowded in an Aberdeen elevator. Oh, and the haggis smells alright too.
Ayeeeee. Chris Parent/For Gazettro
Mr. MacMinster makes sure to see the sights while in town. Chris Parent/for Gazettro
On modern music:
Maybe the marijuana is necessary to make you enjoy the music the kids these days listen to. I’m lying in bed listening to the soothing sounds of the Royal Edinburgh Pipers marching band, when the young man from next door bangs on my door and grumbles something about it being 2 a.m. and to shut my bloody noise off. But the very next day I hear him driving past blasting this new aged alien computer nonsense out the windows. It’s a right strange ol’ world.
On not being Gazettro sports editor Ben Bloom, contrary to popular belief:
Now a little Nessie told me that some people think I’m Gazettro editor Ben Bloom. I had the misfortune to work with Bloom recently, so I find this suggestion outright daft and offensive! He has neither the wits nor the cleverness to address these socio-cultural issues I deal with day in and day out. He’s also a tosser, ninny, and wanker all combined into one.
On fame, fortune and urinals:
Still, I shouldn’t be too rude. Ben is my ticket to fame, after all. Already I’ve heard rumours of the major news outlets interested in my views. Also, since I’ve started contributing to the Gazettro I’ve had three times as many emails trying to sell me Viagra. That’s a good sign, right?
On his illegitimate East German son, Wilhelm von Paisleybrühl:
I suppose this is as good a time as any to admit I have a son. It was a late night in January 1947 in East Germany. I may
have had a little bit too much communist liquor so I’m not entirely sure how the next part went, but I met a strong German lady named Helga at a piano bar, or maybe it was a dumpster. Anyways when I woke up in the morning I was pregnant. Nine months later, out popped Wilhelm von Paisleybruhl.
On always going offtopic and ranting for no reason:
I’ve heard some o’ you lot wonder why I never seem to actually answer the question. Well I’ll tell ye why. It’s because I’m too sexy for my shirt. Tha’s right. I’m too sexy for my shirt. In fact I’m so sexy it hurts. It’s a medical condition. I’m seeing a doctor for it. Now piss off. Gazettro
On child-rearing:
Kids these days have no respect. I blame it on the parents. Back home we’re put to work the second we’re out of the womb. And as a reward they feed us the unwanted bits of animals. It puts you in your place!
On his favourite television program:
I will say the quality of television has gone up. I especially like that show “The biggest loser”. Nothing like sitting down on the kilt with a bucket of chips and blood pudding, watching people exert themselves! They’re all losers in my opinion! A proponent of "true football," Scruffy tries to make a save on our pitch. Chris Parent/For Gazettro
22 Horoscopes
Near-sighted Loch Ness Monster
February 19 – March 20 March is your birth month, and the time you feel most blind and belligerent. Your inability to see beyond yourself makes you one pissed off dinosaur, but rage gives you power. Nobody should mess with a proud prehistoric beast like you, especially during this time of astrological PMS.
Rob Ford
March 21 – April 21 You often feel that your rough exterior conceals a soft, squishy psyche in need of protection. Tomorrow you will meet a person of special influence—a lover, a friend, a mentor—who will allow you to melt into your mushy self. Let them eat the toasty cinders from the exterior of your crispy marshmallow.
Overweight Labrador retriever
April 22 – May 21 It is rumored that shockrocker Marilyn Manson had some of his ribs surgically removed to better allow autofellatio. As a fellow lover of pleasure, you too should take extreme measures to find joy in yourself.
Olsen Twins
May 22 - June 21 Frenetic, frail and powered by an austere cauliflower mash, you always seem to find yourself torn between oppositional, though essentially similar choices. Take some time to relax and care for yourself—retreat from the public eye to create minimalist masterpieces in secret.
Hamster with a Tumor
June 22 – July 22 SKYPE YOUR MOTHER.
Beyoncé
July 23 – August 23 You are a sparkling goddess, both in your own mind, and to those around you. Be careful not to get caught up in your own majesty and success. Remember to watch HBO and eat brownies with those you love.
gazettro.ca Friday, March 21, 2014
Play Events at Dal
Co-curricular Record
August 24 – September 22 It might feel like people think you are irrelevant this month. You are easily forgotten, working away in the backrooms and trying to help others. Don’t let your lack of acknowledgement stop you from achieving what you believe in.
Jager-bomb
September 23 – October 23 If financial issues keep cropping up over the next few weeks as the influence of dreamy Neptune shifts into unpredictable Mars, remember that you thrive best in finding a perfect balance between ups and downs, seeking a just, even state. You can find a way to bank between blotto and tweaker.
Saturday, Mar. 21 Hufflepuff v.s. Gryffindor, 1- 4 p.m., Quidditch Pitch Sunday, Mar. 23 Pizza Eating Competition, 2-3 a.m. at Brunswick & Sackville intersection Tuesday, Mar. 25 Workshop: How to get a job after university, 2 p.m. at the T-Room (Engineering students only) Class for DSU executives, 1-1:10 p.m. at Sugar Jaw's office
Wednesday, Mar. 26 Den of Anarchy meeting, 2-6 p.m. in SUB, DSU Council Chambers Thursday, Mar. 27 High Tea Reception, 2-5 p.m. at the Ardmore Tea Room ($45 for students; semi- formal)
Sudoku How to play No free rides at the Gazettro. You're just going to have to figure it out yourself.
Random Key
Friday, Mar. 28 Book burning, 1-5 p.m. at the Killam Library
Some event happening sometime on Sexton Campus
Weekly forecast
Today
Miserable
The Dominatrix
October 25 – November 22 What happened on your last indulgent vacation is coming back to haunt you. Your charm will get you far in keeping silence, but don’t hesitate to let associates feel the sting of your whip to keep your secrets safe.
Saturday
Miserable
Sunday
Locos Taco
November 23 – December 21 Your habit of not following up on flashy, zesty promises is catching up with you as March closes. Try to back up your charismatic, wacky exterior with solid plans and real actions.
Adventures in Servitude. Caitlin McGuire Awful
Monday
Conservative Merman
Raining sideways
December 22 – January 20 If everyone had planned ahead like you did, you wouldn’t have had to pick up slack at work and made sure everything got done properly. Make sure you cultivate empathy for the mistakes of others, and try to understand that sometimes, it’s okay to fail. You’ll never walk on land. Embrace the fantastical beast that you are and look into synchronized swimming.
Tuesday
The worst
Wednesday
Miserable
The Bartender
Thursday
January 21 – February 18 Please stop talking about Macklemore. He is not “the voice of our generation.”
Crying
Old Heart. amber solberg
March 21, 2014
Jessica LeNoble 4th Year Enviro. Over my four years at Dal, I have been a highly involved student on campus. However, because I am on Sexton Campus, I am at a fairly large disadvantage when it comes to matters with the DSU. Every year I attend the Sexton candidates debate and every year I am provided with lots of promises from students that they will work to make my student experience bigger and better than the year before. I watch this happen every year and I have to say that I have come to the conclusion that the DSU is unable to support the needs of students across multiple campuses. I saw two executive members of the DSU on my campus once this year and I attend most largescale events that take place down here. I don’t have time to attend town halls on the third floor of the SUB at 4pm on a Tuesday because I am in class. I have never
Simone Lemieux 5th Year Mechanical If you wish to be nothing more than a reminder of a time when all engineers were white, Christian, able-bodied, heterosexual, cissexual men, keep up the good work. If you’re interested in fostering an inclusive, diverse, and representative population of engineers, I have some advice: Don’t refer to convocation as a time when one can celebrate
Why I voted ‘No Candidate’ in the DSU elections The underlying reason for the DSU's neglect of Sexton Campus seen anyone with a street team on my campus because, for the DSU, the street seems to only be University Avenue. Committees that are supposed to meet on Sexton tend not to meet at all. Positions that are supposed to be hired to represent and work for Sexton tend to not be hired at all or tend to be hired too late in the year to effect any real positive change. Levied societies, other than the Loaded Ladle who serves food here on Wednesdays, have no presence in my university life. There are nearly 2000 students who study on Sexton Campus and there are over 500 students who live in residence on Sexton Campus. I witnessed several DSU candidates come through my study space offering me free food and handbills to try to gain my vote. Most of these candidates, I have not seen since the last election. Most of these candidates, I will not
see again. This week I am working with the engineering society to try to increase voter turnout on Sexton Campus. As of this writing, I have been sitting in the main walkthrough on Sexton for four hours now and have convinced a total of 18 students to vote in the election. We even have free snacks down here for anyone who wants to vote at the polling station we set up. When I ask students to vote, the vast majority of them reply to me that the DSU is irrelevant to them. Many students down here seem frustrated or just laugh at the idea that voting in this election will benefit them. There are no posters for candidates on Sexton Campus. There are no posters that voting is open on Sexton campus. There are no candidates running for the DSU who attend most of their classes on Sexton Campus. Where
is the DSU on Sexton Campus? Students need to understand what the DSU does before they are offered an opportunity to run for a position. Students need to understand what the DSU does before they are offered an opportunity to vote for candidates. Becoming relevant to all students including those that have never been in the SUB before should be the first step in reducing student apathy. Quotes from Students on Sexton: "Why would I vote in an election for an organization whose own president couldn’t even stay in one class this term?” “I have never been inside the SUB.” “These diversity organizations have never represented any of my diverse views.” “I don’t know any of these people.”
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On being inclusive An open letter to the wardens of camp 7 with parents, grandparents and girlfriends while neglecting the possibility that an engineer could have a boyfriend Don’t make brother and sister the only two options for the ringing, friend or comrade would do just as well without embracing a socially constructed gender binary Don’t recite a poem that uses the word “mankind” over and over again, enforcing the idea that man
is the default for humanity, and the rest of us should be glad just to be included Don’t glorify Kipling, the author of the ceremony, without acknowledging the fact that many of his works are racist Don’t ask me to swear an oath to my “maker,” religion is not a prerequisite for engineering or ethical conduct Don’t quote from the bible
Don’t call the closing speech a homily Don’t assume that everyone present is abled and can fulfill the physical tasks required At the end of the day, you may cite tradition, but I see no value in tradition for tradition’s sake. It is a tired excuse, a last resort of those who are unwilling to accept progress.
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The Sextant is published by the Dalhousie Sextant Publishing Society and aims to represent all of the students studying and living on Sexton Campus. If you have any concerns about the paper, please email sextant@ dal.ca and we'll arrange to meet and discuss them. Editor-In-Chief: Brett Ziegler Assistant Editor: Richard Wile Treasurer: Nikheel Premsagar
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