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verywhere we turn, we compare ourselves—we look, measure, evaluate, and then rank ourselves—with others around us. If we’re honest, we can unfailingly find someone who stirs up our feelings of inadequacy and therefore inferiority.
This starts a cascade of problems that, if undealt with, will fester into other issues. We expect these types of feelings of worthlessness from those who have experienced abandonment, mistreatment, abuse, extreme trauma and so forth, but this can also sprout from the smaller wounds in our lives—even the thoughtless words of others.
INITIAL WOUNDS
I remember when I was in ninth grade and received a new fall outfit—my favorite at that time. This ensemble included a brown and orange plaid skirt, a burnt orange sweater, and this little brown tie-on leather collar. With it, I wore brown leather shoes with laces and burnt orange leotards. I was cool and felt very confident looking so hip and groovy! So the first time I wore it to school, I strutted my stuff as I walked into the building. I felt secure, maybe even smug, and somewhat envied during my first three classes. “You look all orangey. You look like a pumpkin!” Donald, a fellow classmate, later announced. The other kids started laughing, and that’s all it took. I felt humiliated, mortified, and from that day on, I hated the outfit. I felt as if everyone had stared and had judged me as “less-than.” My confidence in my appearance lacked at school after Donald made that comment. And I carried a sense of shame that I should have somehow known that I appeared “orangey.” It left me with a nagging question, “What do others really think of me?” As a therapist, I’ve heard thousands of stories, predominantly from Christians. So I know that none of us are unique in coping with judgments from ourselves and from others. Oftentimes we will develop a tough, “outside shell-self ” to protect the true, “vulnerable-self ” to survive the threat of potential wounds. The “outside shell-self ” can manifest in different ways—it can develop into a persona designed to please others to elicit approval or it can create a tough, hardened persona that ensures distance. Either way, we think both lead to safety. Some of us may overcompensate with perfectionism or indifference, perhaps running to busyness or other addictions that will help numb and distance the fear, pain, and shame. We will then inevitably feel disconnected from God and people—no longer living authentically, so we hide more— seeking complete isolation from the rest of the world. Our true essence inside starts to shrivel and disconnect completely. In isolation we feel a slow death.
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// DT S MAG A Z INE FA LL 201 8
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
If we feel devalued, we oftentimes have little choice but to live in the shadows of our assigned lowliness or to push back. We convince ourselves that only when we’re perfect can we regain that lost security of love. That’s what our deceived hearts tell us, so we try over and over to appear better—perfect.
The range of woundedness is immense. It goes from insecurity to severe trauma and torture. The damaged ones are not confined to a gender or age, nor to one race, faith, educational or economic level, or country. We follow the directions of the media, the magazines, the advertisers, the trendsetters, and the financial elite. We buy the look, wear the latest trends, and hide ourselves and imitate those who ooze success. We keep our “flaws” secret, and we convince ourselves everything is going well. Meanwhile, the heart secretly collects condemning counterevidence. The range of woundedness is immense. It goes from insecurity like my “orangey” episode to severe trauma and torture. The damaged ones are not confined to a gender or age, nor to one race, faith, educational or economic level, or country. And I wish it were only the “bad heathens” who perpetrate such pain, but that is just not true. Abuse happens in good families, communities, businesses, and churches, including by those in leadership. The secrecy of this runs deep in churches because of the added confusion, shame, and sense of betrayal for the victim when the crime is in God’s house or by one of his representatives. Trauma with the resulting PTSD does not stay confined to military war zones. Sometimes the war is in our home, church, school, or work. The body may survive but the soul can get attacked and mortally wounded anywhere. We can talk, tweet, post, and protest these things. We can even feel a glimmer of satisfaction when a perpetrator faces justice. But how do we really deal with it all? How do we handle damaged and condemning hearts?
