By Damon Keen
Originally published in the North Shore Times 2007-08 1
A 3 Bad Monkeys Book. For more information, visit www.3badmonkeys.com. Copyright
Š
2011 by Damon Keen. All rights reserved.
Permissions may be available at www.3badmonkeys.com. Nuts n Bolts was originally published in The North Shore Times, July 2007 - November 2008
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz The Earth is in
Danger!
Climate change! Pollution! Extinction!
2006 was the hottest year on record!
Agent Ani!
Only One hero stands between us and calamity!
Why are you standing like that?
Cause it looks wicked cool.
Only One woman can turn the tide!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz ntroducing Agent Ani and Pax unit!
Get a worm farm to reduce your waste!
It’s the ultimate cartoon!
Tough!
Each week packed full of thrills! Spills!
All that Plus Ani knows how to burp song lyrics! Send iN your requests now!
Smart!
and action! Earth’s greatest heroes!
Daring!
You won’t want to miss a single episode!
You’re dead, pax.
don’t miss out!
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz
Short trip? Take a walk instead of the car!
A giant bug?
Control! We heard the alert! What is it?
ur adventure begins somewhere on the waterfront...
By gosh! this is
serious! i’s An bo o R van
What the-?
It’s the emergency eco-phone!
Agent Ani! We’ve got reports of a giant bug trashing the city!
also can you pick us up some milk? The thrills continue next week!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Hold it, bug-brain! Who the creepers are you?
Whoa! Pax! We got trouble!
Packaging makes up 12% of kiwi waste!
I am your ruler! Your destroyer! The very future of man!
See, Pax, I told you he wasn’t a dung beetle.
I am the
bug trouble!
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‘bugbrain?’ How dare you!
Hey, easy mistake.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz uper-spy, Agent Ani, and sidekick, Pax unit, find themselves face to face with the
I, the locust, plan to release the world’s garbage out of the rubbish dumps and back into the cities from where it came!
Plastic bags take 15 to 1000 years to break down!
Then my insect friends and I will be the new masters of the rubbish world we have created!
Mwa ha ha ha Ha ha!
So to save the world I need to fight a giant bug in a pile of rubbish?
plus sometimes I gob up hair balls. So what’s the deal with you?
This should be fun.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz ax and Ani find themselves under attack by the fearful Locust!
Yikes!
Get him, Ani! Hold him! Hold him!
That’s it! Behind you! Below you! Left hook! Right hook! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Don’t leave the tap running!
Thanks for all your help.
oh, I couldn’t have gone on for much longer.
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Building a rocket pack.
ni’s pad!
a rocket pack? Aren’t they kind of dangerous?
Kiwis throw away 1000 buses worth of rubbish a day!
Course not! It’s got all sorts of safety features - airbags, thrust dampners, seatbelts, hazard lights...
Huh. What kind of glue is that you’re using?
Chewing gum.
Whatcha doin, Ani?
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz uper-spy, agent ani, picks up an emergency transmission on her wristwatch phone...
I read ya, Control!
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Ani! Our satellites show a huge iceberg breaking off the north pole! We need you to check it out!
I’m on my way, Control!
Set your dishwasher on ‘Light’ wash!
Come on Pax! the Earth is in danger! The planet needs saving!
What?
jumping geronimo! Doctor warner just kissed Libby!
Kinda busy here, Ani. More action next week!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz ni’s mission: investigate the breakup of the arctic ice cap!
The arctic? How will we ever get to the arctic? Jetpack!
Jetpack?
Nearly half your electricity goes on heating water!
First we blast into orbit at 5 gees! In 10 minutes we’ve crossed the pacific! Then we re-enter the atmosphere over the north pole at 25 times the speed of a bullet!
That’s right, Pax! It’s pretty exciting stuff actually!
And that’s not even the most exciting part!
What’s the most exciting part?
it’s completely untested.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz ith a roar, Ani and Pax blast into the sky!
Destination?
Adventure!
Their goal? The frozen heart of the North Pole!
Their mission? Investigate the break-up of the polar ice cap!
It is a journey fraught with danger: Frostbite! Dehydration! Exhaustion!
Do our heroes have what it takes to win the day? Only time will tell!
Get energy saving light bulbs!
Hey, did you bring anything warm to wear?
What?
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Touchdown!
Where are all the penguins?
We’ve made it the north pole!
Cool!
It takes 7 gallons of oil to make 1 car tire!
Penguins live in the south pole. Polar bears live in the north pole.
There aren’t any penguins in the north pole, dope!
Oh.
Good! I’d hate to think you were disappointed.
Penguins shmenguins! I’m just here to see where Santa clause lives!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz he north pole...
Wow. It’s pretty amazing to think that this is all melting away because of human pollution.
Pah. Humans. Makes me glad to be a robot!
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Donate your old clothes to charity!
Hey, you’re the one who refused to recycle last week because you’re afraid of ‘what it might come back as’!
It’s zombie plastic, ani! Zombie plastic!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Hmm. This looks bad!
he north pole...
Sensors show massive amounts of ice breaking up along the coast!
Pax! There’S THE REMOTE SCIENCE STATION WE SENT HERE!
Arctic ice is melting 3 times faster than predicted!
All that melting ice will raise sea levels and shut down the gulf stream, throwing Europe into a new ice age and -
Let’s SEE WHAT IT’S FOUND!
What?
This isn’t the science station. it’s a box of tissues.
Oh. Wait a minute.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Hmm. My utility belt seismo-widget shows that the arctic ice is melting three times faster than expected.
Additionally it looks like the ice sheet is breaking up around us.
use a tea towel instead of a paper one!
Hmm. Where did I leave my jet pack?
Hey, no fair! I called snack time!
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz The ice is breaking up! I’ve gotta get my jet pack from across that crevasse!
whalers are to hunt endangered humpbacks this year!
Over the crevasse!
success! I got it! We’re safe! And look! New friends!
Contact!
Nearly there!
Grappling hook!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz he north pole! Ani and pax rocket pack to safety... whew! That was close! Those polar bears nearly had us!
Polar bears! Ice quakes! Blizzards!
It’s just been one hair-raising adventure after another!
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Don’t buy products with too much packaging!
well, no one ever said that being a super hero was going to be easy, Pax.
Superhero! Pah! You won’t even let me wear my underpants on the outside!
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz To mission Control: Urgent! Our journey to the north pole revealed that high temperatures are melting arctic ice much faster than expected!
Additional: Pax got the sniffles while we were away.
Send.
Alright. Let’s take a look at you then.
Cigarette butts have been found in dolphins & turtles!
Oh no! What does that mean?
What does it say?
Hmm. You’ve picked up a bit of a temperature.
Wait, sorry, my mistake. That’s global warming.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz NArrgh!
What’s wrong?
Carry a mug with you for take out drinks!
I can’t get the atomic lattice to connect to the sub-space confibulator without it being flooded with relativistic dark matter!
I thought you were fixing the toaster.
I am.
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for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz But I’m perfect! I’m smart! I’m shiny! I’m web 2.0 compatible!
ni’s lab...
Ga!
What you doing?
Building a new robot.
And What’s wrong with me?
Get bleach-free recycled toilet paper!
Well, nothing, Pax. he’s just going to specialise in different things than you.
You’re giving him hands aren’t you?
Actually, I’m just not giving him a mouth.
Sure, Pax. But there’s always room for improvement.
for more eco fun visit
www.ecokids.co.nz Hey Pax! Meet my newest creation green machine!
Nice to meet you.
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Sooo. Not too bright then?
Flubber.
Enron.
SUVs cause 50% more pollution that your average car!
Twinkies.
I think he’s picking up the shopping network.
Kill me now.
There’s a coded message coming through on the eco-spy super computer!
Gotta reroute the signal through the translator! Rewire it through the decryptor! Remodulate it through the demodulator! Crack it! Unzip it! Decode it!
What does it say?
“Please replace toner cartridge.”
Fishy Business! part 1 Triple alert, ani! Whalers off the coast!
Um. Question?
I’ll be right back.
Yes?
Whalers! The scum of the seas! We’ve got to stop them!
How are we going going to stop them? We’ve got no transport, no back up and no plan.
You better not be looking up the answers on Google, young lady!
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Fishy Business! part 2 Here’s how we’ll stop the whalers, Pax! Behold - my home-made, trash powered jet ski!
trash powered? But That’s amazing! It’ll change the way transport works forever! We’re going to be rich, I tell you! Rich!
What’s that smell?
oh, you know, rotting garbage. It smells like that for the first 2 or 3 hours, or until you black out. Whichever comes first.
Fishy Business! part 3 Listen, Ani, I’ve been thinking. Instead of just saving the whales, maybe we should think about investing them. You know, play the markets a bit.
Come on, Pax! We’ve got some whales to save!
Yeah!
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You... You’ve actually got no idea what a whale is, do you?
Well, no. But whale saver, kiwi saver, what’s the difference? Buy low, Sell high. I dig it.
Fishy Business! part 4 Ani, look! The whaling ships! They’re chasing those humpbacks!
Um. It doesn’t seem to be doing very much. Sorry. Just waiting for the sun to come out from behind that cloud.
I see them! Activating
Solar powered inhibitor!
Fishy Business! part 5 It’s the whaling ships!
Whaler scum! Do your worst! You don’t stand a chance! Nothing will save you from justice now Nothing!
They blew up our jet ski!
Yeah. I didn’t see that coming, did you?
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Fishy Business! part 6 What’s that?
Er. Maybe you blew it too hard?
My dolphin whistle. Soon a pod of dolphins will whisk us to safety.
Shh. You’ll scare all the dolphins away.
Fishy Business! part 7 Eek! The whaling ships!
Get out of here, Moby! Flee! Escape! Go! Go! Go!
And there’s a whale!
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I think he wants you to throw a stick. Oh no! Now he’s chasing the harpoon!
Fishy Business! part 8 Did you expect that to happen when you yelled “fetch”?
Whoa. That whale just smashed right through the whaling ship.
Actually, I didn’t even know that whales could catch sticks in their mouths.
...and right through the second whaling ship too.
Fishy Business! part 9 Wow. That was pretty cool the way that whale smashed up that whaling ship!
there’s a whale right behind me isn’t there?
Pah. Whales. They’re so smug. “look at me. I’m so big.”
I mean, if they’re so big how come they eat shrimp? Shouldn’t they eat tigers or something? Biggest wimps on the planet more lke - and another thing-
something like that.
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you don’t know what it does, do you?
What does it do?
what you got there?
It just looks pretty,
One of those new Smart phones! It’s very cool.
okay? Very, very pretty!
don’t listen to him my preciousss, We loves you.
oil Slick! part 1 Evil giga-nat, kraven Corp, is opening a new oil rig, Ani! You better check it out!
Roger, Control!
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Pax! To the jet bike!
The jet bike? Really?
What’s wrong with the jet bike?
the “brrm brrm” noises you make when you’re driving it.
Hey, Bolts, check this out!
I programmed my phone so it comes when I whistle.
That’s cool.
Actually, it’s pretty demeaning.
Urk must destroy all - life -
Well! That’s the last time I try to fix an old video recorder!
I told you. pure evil.
fut
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What you doing, Ani?
creating life.
Soon i shall re-animate the inert chemicals of base matter recreating the moment that life on earth began!
‘celebrity breakdown.’ It tells me everything I need to know about celebrities in a way that fits in with my busy, high-stress lifestyle.
What you reading?
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I notice you haven’t watered potsy in the last 6 months.
Quiet bolts! I think your breath has opened a hole in the ozone layer over my sample.
you spend 18 hours every day on the internet.
which doesn’t leave me much time for celebrities now, does it?
Well, what about getting a sponsor? Just whack some product name on the side of one of your inventions and BAM - Bucks!
Look at all these bills, bolts! inventing costs a fortune! I need to make some cash fast!
Hi Ani! I’m home!
Why do I always open my mouth around her?
Hi bolts. Hi bolts.
Oy! Why aren’t you wearing your Captain Fizz costume?
Did you have to install robot brains in everything?
Don’t go to the toilet.
Hi bolts.
Hi bolts.
Hi bolts.
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Boy, if these readings are correct, then plants aren’t sucking up as much pollution as people think.
which means global warming could happen much faster than expected! I better run this through the computer!
jeepers, i think I’ve put on a bit of weight.
yep.
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Is that so, Bolts? Well, maybe you need to think a little harder about that!
Hey, You built me without a waist, remember, Ani? I’m shaped like an egg!
Ani doesn’t know you’ve started smoking does she?
I’m under a lot of stress.
He he, Yeah. you do make me look pretty good.
Let he who is without thin cast the first stone.
One day, bolts, I’m going to get into space. No question.
Bah! You just want to escape your problems here on earth, Ani! Cowardly Escapism is what it is - Cowardly escapism!
I’d hate to take you away from your precious tv shows.
If I missed america’s next top model, i’d die!
Look at that! Someone’s left their Rubbish in the middle of the bush! Gross!
Oh yeah, I forgot I programmed you to eat trash. What just happened? Where did all the rubbish go? Why does my breath smell like cabbage?
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You’re telling me you designed me to eat rubbish and you never bothered to tell me this before?
I can’t believe you designed me to eat trash!
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Well, yeah. In fact I originally designed you to be a vacuum cleaner!
well, What did you think you were designed for?
A VACUUM CLEANER! Clearly not one of my greatest successes.
Hmm. My vast intellect?
See? Garbage in, garbage out!
My god! It tastes divine!
I can’t believe Ani designed me to eat rubbish!
God! Why are computers so hard to use? Why doesn’t this button work? What does that bit mean? What is that colour? Why doesn’t that undo?
Would you get a move on? The cat’s done a whoopsy on the carpet.
“error.”
“Replace user.”
It was worth it.
Huh?
25
Bolts! I’ve done it! I’ve built you an electric nose!
Golly Bolts, you’re about the handsomist robot I’ve Oh, I know, ever met! candy. Fetch me some more ice will you?
Oh my gosh, really? I’ll finally have a nose? Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!
Ta da! I’ve fitted you with a new electric nose!
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Finally you’ll be able to smell flowers in bloom, fresh cut grass and baked bread! I’ve set you free, Bolts, FREE!
What’s wrong?
Hi Bolts! What you doing?
Ever since Ani installed robot brains in everything, I can’t get a minute’s peace! Every second I’ve got appliances twittering away at me!
Look, You’re a light bulb, Alright? A
light bulb! You can’t make me talk to you!
You’ve been at the coffee again, haven’t you?
Hey, I’m a toaster, what else have a got to live for? I feel so used.
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Uh oh. I forgot the shopping bag!
So? Use plastic.
What do you think happens when we die, Ani?
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No way, Bolts! Plastic bags are turning the planet into a garbage dump and I won’t stand for it!
good point.
Well, in your case, bolts, I take your parts to the scrap metal dealer and get 50 bucks.
Hey, you’re the one carrying the groceries without a bag, so you know, whatever.
so, no 100 foot high commemorative Gold statue then?
Not unless I can pick one up for 50 bucks.
I see your carbon emissions are up.
Burp
How come I’m the only one in this house who keeps violating the Kyoto protocol? I wonder.
What are you doing, bolts?
Morris dancing, if you must know. It’s my secret passion.
Um, aren’t you supposed to use handkerchiefs? That looks like toilet paper. Sometime the passion hits me at odd times.
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I can’t believe you do morris dancing, bolts! It doesn’t seem like your kinda thing.
What are you doing now, bolts?
Morris dancing.
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You’ve got me all wrong, Ani! I’m a rebel! I’m fighting the system! I’m taking dance to the kids!
I set the handkerchiefs on fire to make it more ‘extreme.’
We are talking about ‘morris dancing’ here, aren’t we?
Think jimmy Hendrix with ribbons.
You don’t actually know how to morris dance do you? Who needs dance moves when you’ve got flaming hankies?
What’re you up to, Ani?
I’m Building a super colliding 3000 volt feedback system.
It generates a neutrino stream that runs the accelerator here.
which of course drives the dark matter engines over here.
?
But what does it do?
I’m not sure. I found the parts inside this cereal packet.
Your blog site down?
Huh?
Two hours now.
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So you don’t believe in global warming?
No way! it’s a trick by the media to sell newspapers!
Hello Potsy. Bolts tells me you don’t believe in global warming.
What about all the hundreds of scientists who’ve studied it?
Wow. It’s all just one guy in his mum’s cellar, shooting out emails.
it’s all part of a global conspiracy to destroy democracy. Any fool can see that.
That is persuasive.
I think it’s the same guy who’s been stealing my pens.
So it wouldn’t have anything to do with this investment portfolio that just arrived from united oil then?
Ha! Of course not!
My investments in big tobacco didn’t pan out.
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I thought you’d given up on computers?
Na, I’ve just made a few modifications.
Also, I’ve Ten changed the terabytes of Binary code from RAM and a duelones and zeros to processing sixes and sevens, capacitor! cause I think they’re prettier.
* Is that some kind of geek humour?
That, my friend, is humour 2.0.
It’s Still in beta.
Hah! It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finished installing my modifications - it’s complete!
I’ve created the single fastest, most intelligent computer on the planet! It’s a giant leap forward in evolution! Mwa ha ha ha!
How come you’re not playing on your new computer?
It called me a stupid monkey, so I smashed it with my bone.
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I’ve accidently turned my PC into a supercomputer who wants to take over the world.
And this affects me how?
He says unless you change the channel back to desperate housewives he’ll have to take the remote control away from you.
Don’t make me come over there!
Bolts, meet spam, the supercomputer.
You fools! Soon my armies will spread across the earth, crushing you all! Ha ha ha!
It must be annoying not having any arms or legs.
I’ve got a website.
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Ok, Spam, I need to get on the net. What’s your password?
Bolts! You’re just in time!
Ha ha ha! You’ll never figure it out! I’ve got a firewall so big, It’d take a 1000 monkeys typing a 1000 passwords for a 1000 years to even guess at it’s complexity!
It took 600 litres of paint, 3 super-computers and a box or crayons, but I finally did it! I’ve invented a new colour!
1, 2, 3, 4.
EEEK!
Bleh! It stinks!
I call it smellow.
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How come you always wear the same red top and pants, Ani? Have you got like 30 pairs of each or something?
I don’t have time to think about clothes, bolts. I’m too creative to waste my brain power on something so trivial.
You mean you just wear the same clothes every day?
Why do you think I built you without a nose?
I can’t believe that Ani wears the same clothes every day!
36
And the crazy thing is that I didn’t even notice!
It kinda makes me wonder what other weird stuff goes on around here without me noticing.
Well, for starters, you’re naked.
Uh oh. I think I pushed the wrong button.
Hey Bolts can I test my teleporter on you? Oh boy! You bet!
I can’t believe that Ani’s created a duplicate of me!
A dupliwhat?
Is that a good thing? hi fat head.
A highfidelity copy.
Fiddility who-now?
But not a very good copy it would seem.
Yeah, I’m way better looking.
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How’d we end up with a copy of me, Ani?
Hmm. Atomic inversion, maybe.
Which means he’s probably made out of anti-matter.
Basically, if he touches anything he’ll destroy the solar system.
So what does that mean?
What? How come he gets a super power?
What happened to my anti-matter duplicate?
I put him in this containment field so he wouldn’t interact with normal matter and blow up the planet.
That isn’t a containment field. It’s tupperware.
maybe.
mmm. Cookies.
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I love trees bolts!
Why is the sky blue, potsy?
Plant power.
Look at that one! 300 years old and taller than a building!
It scares me.
All over the planet, thousands of plants are concentrating all of their brain power on keeping the sky blue.
I guess you did fall out of that Bonsai. Last tree-house I ever build.
Whoa.
Just Pray I don’t blink.
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Whoa. Global warming is heating up faster than anyone expected.
Potsy! I just found this drawer full of documents!
Yeah. Kinda makes you wonder what’s going to happen to santa once the north pole melts.
According to this, you’ve been singlehandedly driving up the price of oil on the stock market for the last 2 years!
I’m a plant, Ani. THat’s ridiculous.
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Why is bolts crying?
Beats me.
Oh. Dick Cheney bought me out months ago.
Hey, Ani, you don’t test any of your inventions on animals, do you?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DESIGNED me to be your laboratory rat!
Are you kidding? I love animals!
Come on, Bolts. I designed you to be a lot of things.
Yeah? Like what?
ThaT’S A RELIEF.
THAT’S WHAT I DESIGNED YOU FOR.
A foot massager?!
Yeah. Unfortunately your mouth isn’t big enough to get my foot into.
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Help! I’m lost!
So, if I’m going to be your lab rat, Ani, what do i need to do now?
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But it’s making me crazy, Ani! The twists! The turns! The baking sun! I’m slipping away I tell ya! I’m not going to make it!
Bolts! You’re a lab rat now! You’re supposed to find your own way out of the maze!
Why don’t you just use the GPS unit I gave you?
Na. I’m too lazy to turn it on.
Try this. Whoa. I can see forever.
Glub
It’s decaf.
So, are you enjoying being Ani’s Laboratory rat, Bolts?
Actually, yes.
I saw a movie with robots that could turn into trucks yesterday. Pretty cool.
Sure. I can do that.
I get heaps to eat now! Lots and lots of food. It’s great!
What? Turn into a truck?
You mean the food laced with toxic chemicals that Ani’s been testing on you?
I have extra spouts too.
It’s a give and take relationship.
I’m not interested.
Well, not a truck.
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www.3badmonkeys.com
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