out and about: a guide to coming out
Coming Out
Coming out is when you share your sexuality with someone, its not something that you can tell just by looking at someone unlike hair colour or whether you wear glasses or not. If you want someone to know than you will have to tell them unless they confront you about it. It’s a different process for every single person and its a big deal mentally, emotionally and physically.
Coming out is a life long process; there will be many times throughout your life where you share your sexuality with new people. There are many different ways to do it but the reason must be for your own benefit. The first time you tell someone will be tough but you will get through it and it will get easier.
‘You leave in the morning with everything you own in a little black case, Alone on the platform in the wind and the rain on a sad and lonely face’ Small Town Boy Bronski Beat
When should I tell?
The right time to tell someone is when you feel ready, discovering who you are is a big part of life and coming to terms with your sexuality can be hard. You don’t have to tell anyone that you are gay if you don’t want to but it may make you feel better being able to share who you are, as well as being honest to yourself and others. After you tell someone it may feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Don’t be afraid to embrace your sexuality and really get to
know who you are. Come in first, be yourself, come into your sexuality and take hold of it, know who you are as an individual and when you are comfortable with yourself you will be ready to start sharing it with people. By coming in you solidify yourself making you a stronger person.
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Who do I tell?
Telling someone about your sexuality for the first time is hard so consider who it is that you tell, it may be a close friend or sibling. It’s important to tell someone that you trust and feel comfortable with. It’s about finding that person you can count on, once you know who that is you can begin to think about telling your family. Think about who you come out to and how they will react, it’s a big thing and can be a lot to take in especially if it’s completely out of the blue. If you are unsure of how others will react you could consider
talking to a support group first or maybe someone who has been through what you’re going through who can help and offer advice. Just because you are coming out to one person it doesn’t mean that you have to tell everybody, it’s okay to hide it from people until you are ready.
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So I had been worried about telling my parents for a while, it took ages to find myself and feel comfortable with my sexuality. It wasn’t until my mums best friend asked me if I was gay and said that it’s fine but I need to tell my mum because she wants to know. This had caught me by surprise because up until then nobody confronted me about it and I wasn’t expecting it. A couple of weeks later my step-dad asked me if my mums friend had spoken to me and I said yeah and told him that I am gay, he said that he already knew, told me that he is proud of me and gave me a hug. This wasn’t the reaction that I was expecting, for some reason I thought that they would hate me but I forgot that they are my parents so why would they? He told me that I had to tell my mum because she was worried about me and she wanted to know. I thought about it for the rest of the evening and the next day decided that I should tell her. So I bought her some flowers and wrote her a note which said ‘I have something to tell you’ she read it and asked if I was gay to which I replied ‘yes’ I asked her how she knew. She said that she had known for a while but didn’t know how to ask. I’ve never felt happier and fell like I can finally be myself.
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How Do I TELL MY FAMILY?
There is no right or wrong answer to this question, it’s something that you have to find out for yourself. You know your family better than anyone else so you will be able to gauge when the best time to tell them is and the best way to execute it. The hardest part about coming out is vulnerability, you’re opening up and letting people know who you really are, you’re family may be central to your life even more so if you live at home as they provide you with food and shelter.
Which is why it’s always good idea to tell someone outside of the family so you not only have support but you have a place to stay if things turn sour.
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So I was forced into telling my parents. I told a very close friend that I was gay and he accidentally told his parents. I was scared that his parents would tell mine and I wanted my parents to find out from me. I went home that night and told my mum and dad face to face. Both of them took it really well my mum said she always knew and my dad was a bit more reserved saying he didn’t want to know any more about it but was happy I told him. He’s now fine with me being gay and is really proud of my decision .
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It may be easier to talk to one parent before the other so it’s less confrontational and you will get a rough idea on how the other will react. Also you can ask this parent to help you tell the other so they can help diffuse the situation as well as offer support. Be prepared for questions, the first things they may ask is ‘How do you know?’ or ‘Are you sure?’ Be prepared to answer these questions and remember that this is just as much of a big deal for your parents as it is for you so it may take time for them to adjust to the idea but this doesn’t
mean that they love you any less. Most people will experience positive reactions such as ‘We’re so pleased that you could tell us’ or ‘Well we had guessed already.’ In some cases they may already know and are just waiting for you to tell them. Or they may ask you, which depending on your situation may be better.
If the reaction you get isn’t what you were expecting it doesn’t necessarily mean that they haven’t accepted it, think about the experiences they have had growing up? It is likely that they grew up in a time where being openly gay wasn’t an every day thing so it could be something that they haven’t had to understand/ deal with before. They may feel uncomfortable talking about homosexuality so give them time. It can be just as hard for them as it was for you so if their first reaction is negative it may be shock.
Don’t feel under pressure to come out, it’s something that only you can do, you will know when the time is right, when you feel comfortable and ready to do it.
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Mine is pretty lame, I was 16 at the time. I was scared to death to tell my mum but one night when she got home from work I finally did it. I said ‘Mum I’m gay’ and she goes ‘For real?’I said ‘yeah’ she goes ‘oh honey I’ve known since you were ten that you were gay, now what do you want for dinner?’ I love how casual she was about it.
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alternatives to saying ‘I’m Gay’ If you don’t feel comfortable or you feel a bit awkward saying ‘I’m Gay’ don’t worry, there are many ways to get around it, you could go with ‘I have a boyfriend/girlfriend’ or ‘I’m not really into guys/ girls” It’s about saying what will make you comfortable and confident. Alternatively you could write a letter, send a text or email, phone, leave a message, take them to a gig or take them to a public place where their reactions will be different because there will be other people around.
The benefit of writing to your parents is it gives you time to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly, it can also give them space to react and consider the news before discussing with you.
maybe try: ‘I have a boyfriend/ girlfriend’ or ‘I’m not really into guys/girls’
Planting ideas ahead of time could lessen the surprise factor, you could maybe talk about homosexuality to get their opinion on it or ask them if they know any gay people. This will leave the subject open for discussion and lay the foundations. You don’t have to be in the house when they find out, if for example you write them a letter you could wait until you are alone in the house and leave the letter in a place where they will easily find it.
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Coming out was kinda easy for me because of the amazing friends and family I have always been camp so people were not too surprised. Took me a lot of guts to tell that first person but when I did it felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. So much better on the other side. Had a few problems with my big bro and we ended up fighting but we sorted that all out.
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I t d o e s n t m at d o i n yo u r b e d r w h o yo u a
t t e r w h at yo u o o m i t m at t e r s re inside.
DO’s Do come out when you’re ready
Do give people time to adjust
Stay calm
give them a chance to talk
Keep in mind that if their initial reaction is negative this may not reflect how they truly feel do think about who you tell first
DOnt’s Don’t come out if you’ve been drinking don’t take any crap from others
don’t come out just to hurt someone
Don’t come out if you or the other person is tired don’t feel under pressure to come out don’t forget that there is nothing wrong with being gay
WHo else can help?
You’re not alone whatever your situation, there is always someone to talk to who will give you advice, offer unbiased help and support. Whether it’s face to face, over the phone or even through a keyboard never feel that there is no one to help. Stonewall is a charity set up to achieve equality and justice for the LGBT community.
Even if you have had a good experience with coming out, you might want to talk to somebody about it. Or find out what your rights are within a workplace or education.
http://www.stonewall.org.uk
http://www.galop.org.uk
http://www.lgf.org.uk
http://www.OUTANDABOUT.CO.UK