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did you get my postcard?
testing the charm and dedication of the royal mail words and deeds dani lurie and des tan
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did you get my postcard?
testing the charm and dedication of the royal mail words and deeds dani lurie and des tan
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Twenty-one billion items of post are sent through the Royal Mail every year. Some of these are small. Some are big. They can be something as mundane as a water bill or something as grand as a delivery of handcrafted Ecuadorian chocolates courtesy of a lover in Peru. Most are politely contained in envelopes or standard boxes in white and brown. But some never make it to their destinations—14.4 million annually. Some of those were slid through the wrong mail slot. Some were too oddly shaped or improperly wrapped. Some simply didn’t have the correct amount of postage stamps pasted onto them. Some “fell of the back of the truck.” We started to wonder about the system and the people who govern the delivery of our various things. How far were they willing to go to get our items from one place to another? How would they know what was personal or important enough to keep in transit? Most importantly, would they deliver something that was really, really smelly? We covered some unusual items in an abundance of first-class stamps and sent them off to our unsuspecting friends and family.
Funny shapes, sizes or textures designed to fox the post’s automatic sorting systems.
Pointless items or ones that looked like a prank. Jeans. We posted off a pair of jeans, unpackaged. They arrived unfolded, looking like someone had violated them with a full-body search. Perhaps they had. Cashews. The cashews arrived in a fine and delicious state. We were most amused when the recipient, who hadn’t known about their imminent delivery, posted a Facebook status update: “Who sent me marmite cashews in the post?” Crisp packet. The crisp packet was empty when it left and was reliably empty when it arrived at its destination. Strangely, it had not been postmarked. We wondered if it’s standard for the Royal Mail to never postmark empty crisp packets. Further testing may be needed.
Umbrella. For this, we staged an elaborate scheme involving an unwitting member of the public, used to distract the post office clerk while we slipped it into an open parcel sack. The unwrapped umbrella made it into the bag while the clerk’s head was turned. Success. It arrived unharmed at its recipient, although they were questioned by the postman and threatened with an extra charge. As we continued to hear back from our recipients, it became apparent that questioning postmen was going to be a running theme. Scarf. We fed it into a standard letterbox with an address on one end and stamps on the other. It never arrived. Let us know if you see a postal worker with a fashionable scarf. We want it back. Clothes peg. Our little peg never arrived at its recipient. Was it too tiny or simply too angular? We’ll never know. It’s pegging clothes in heaven now. Long, thin letter. We mailed a letter that was 8cm x 42cm in size, with “longer letter to follow” written on one end. It arrived folded in half.
DVD. We affixed several stamps onto an unwrapped copy of the classic mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap and stuck it in the mailbox. It arrived safe and sound, ready to be enjoyed by our lucky recipient.
Sponge. We squeezed a large, unwrapped household sponge through the letterbox slot. It never made it to its destination, possibly as a result of the stamps falling off. We probably should have used more tape.
Success: 4/4
Success: 2/5
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Twenty-one billion items of post are sent through the Royal Mail every year. Some of these are small. Some are big. They can be something as mundane as a water bill or something as grand as a delivery of handcrafted Ecuadorian chocolates courtesy of a lover in Peru. Most are politely contained in envelopes or standard boxes in white and brown. But some never make it to their destinations—14.4 million annually. Some of those were slid through the wrong mail slot. Some were too oddly shaped or improperly wrapped. Some simply didn’t have the correct amount of postage stamps pasted onto them. Some “fell of the back of the truck.” We started to wonder about the system and the people who govern the delivery of our various things. How far were they willing to go to get our items from one place to another? How would they know what was personal or important enough to keep in transit? Most importantly, would they deliver something that was really, really smelly? We covered some unusual items in an abundance of first-class stamps and sent them off to our unsuspecting friends and family.
Funny shapes, sizes or textures designed to fox the post’s automatic sorting systems.
Pointless items or ones that looked like a prank. Jeans. We posted off a pair of jeans, unpackaged. They arrived unfolded, looking like someone had violated them with a full-body search. Perhaps they had. Cashews. The cashews arrived in a fine and delicious state. We were most amused when the recipient, who hadn’t known about their imminent delivery, posted a Facebook status update: “Who sent me marmite cashews in the post?” Crisp packet. The crisp packet was empty when it left and was reliably empty when it arrived at its destination. Strangely, it had not been postmarked. We wondered if it’s standard for the Royal Mail to never postmark empty crisp packets. Further testing may be needed.
Umbrella. For this, we staged an elaborate scheme involving an unwitting member of the public, used to distract the post office clerk while we slipped it into an open parcel sack. The unwrapped umbrella made it into the bag while the clerk’s head was turned. Success. It arrived unharmed at its recipient, although they were questioned by the postman and threatened with an extra charge. As we continued to hear back from our recipients, it became apparent that questioning postmen was going to be a running theme. Scarf. We fed it into a standard letterbox with an address on one end and stamps on the other. It never arrived. Let us know if you see a postal worker with a fashionable scarf. We want it back. Clothes peg. Our little peg never arrived at its recipient. Was it too tiny or simply too angular? We’ll never know. It’s pegging clothes in heaven now. Long, thin letter. We mailed a letter that was 8cm x 42cm in size, with “longer letter to follow” written on one end. It arrived folded in half.
DVD. We affixed several stamps onto an unwrapped copy of the classic mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap and stuck it in the mailbox. It arrived safe and sound, ready to be enjoyed by our lucky recipient.
Sponge. We squeezed a large, unwrapped household sponge through the letterbox slot. It never made it to its destination, possibly as a result of the stamps falling off. We probably should have used more tape.
Success: 4/4
Success: 2/5
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Suspicious items designed to look like they might contain something illegal, or at least morally reprehensible. We held off posting ticking things, as we didn’t fancy arrest under the Terror Act. Flour in box. We filled a container with flour and added some water, for weight. Then we taped it up real good with duct tape and slipped it into the bag at the post office. It arrived. That one was particularly surprising. Flour in bag. We emptied out half a bag of flour, wrapped it back up again and secured it with duct tape. It was refused by the first post office we asked to take it, on the grounds that it was unwrapped. When we approached post office number two, we told them that the packaging was just wrapping paper. They believed us and it arrived at its destination intact. The moral of this story is that the Royal Mail will accept half a bag of flour if you call it wrapping paper. Normal envelope with the stamp upside down. This evelope appeared to be a normal letter, the only exception being that the stamp was placed upside down. Depending on your orientation, of course. Putting the Queen’s head upside down is technically illegal, designated treason according to an outdated law. So, appropriately, the inside of the envelope contained nothing but the words “TREASON” written twice in thick black pen. Nothing was heard of this item for a while, so it is impossible to know when it arrived. Some time after the letter had been posted, its recipients (who happened to be our editor’s parents) were overheard discussing the “hate mail” they had received. On closer inspection, it turned out to be this. Porn DVD. We also affixed several stamps onto an unwrapped copy of an adult film. The front of the DVD proclaimed all sorts of lewd things but was “boring and unimaginative” according to its original owner. The DVD never arrived. Give a disapproving look to the next sorting office worker you meet. Success: 3/4
Smelly or messy parcels that you wouldn’t want through your letterbox. We feel a little bad about this category. Cheese. A block of delicious, creamy brie was sent out in the mail. When it arrived at its destination, it was sealed in an all-new plastic bag, with the address written again on the outside. It smelt truly awful. Cheese oil was leaking out through the paper. The Royal Mail wanted to charge the recipient extra, as the cheese had deformed during transit so that it no longer counted as a large letter. This seemed to be missing the point a little. Banana, wrapped. We wrapped up this banana in packing tape. It arrived, although it was very black inside and oozing. Not edible. Banana, unwrapped. The address was written directly onto the skin of this banana and the stamps were pasted right on there too. We had some funny looks when posting it through the letterbox. It never arrived. Possibly a good thing. “Urine.” We filled a small urine sample vial with an amount of yellowish liquid. It got there in a day, and an extra stamp had been inexplicably added during its journey. This one opened up a whole box of questions from the postman. Success: 3/4
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Suspicious items designed to look like they might contain something illegal, or at least morally reprehensible. We held off posting ticking things, as we didn’t fancy arrest under the Terror Act. Flour in box. We filled a container with flour and added some water, for weight. Then we taped it up real good with duct tape and slipped it into the bag at the post office. It arrived. That one was particularly surprising. Flour in bag. We emptied out half a bag of flour, wrapped it back up again and secured it with duct tape. It was refused by the first post office we asked to take it, on the grounds that it was unwrapped. When we approached post office number two, we told them that the packaging was just wrapping paper. They believed us and it arrived at its destination intact. The moral of this story is that the Royal Mail will accept half a bag of flour if you call it wrapping paper. Normal envelope with the stamp upside down. This evelope appeared to be a normal letter, the only exception being that the stamp was placed upside down. Depending on your orientation, of course. Putting the Queen’s head upside down is technically illegal, designated treason according to an outdated law. So, appropriately, the inside of the envelope contained nothing but the words “TREASON” written twice in thick black pen. Nothing was heard of this item for a while, so it is impossible to know when it arrived. Some time after the letter had been posted, its recipients (who happened to be our editor’s parents) were overheard discussing the “hate mail” they had received. On closer inspection, it turned out to be this. Porn DVD. We also affixed several stamps onto an unwrapped copy of an adult film. The front of the DVD proclaimed all sorts of lewd things but was “boring and unimaginative” according to its original owner. The DVD never arrived. Give a disapproving look to the next sorting office worker you meet. Success: 3/4
Smelly or messy parcels that you wouldn’t want through your letterbox. We feel a little bad about this category. Cheese. A block of delicious, creamy brie was sent out in the mail. When it arrived at its destination, it was sealed in an all-new plastic bag, with the address written again on the outside. It smelt truly awful. Cheese oil was leaking out through the paper. The Royal Mail wanted to charge the recipient extra, as the cheese had deformed during transit so that it no longer counted as a large letter. This seemed to be missing the point a little. Banana, wrapped. We wrapped up this banana in packing tape. It arrived, although it was very black inside and oozing. Not edible. Banana, unwrapped. The address was written directly onto the skin of this banana and the stamps were pasted right on there too. We had some funny looks when posting it through the letterbox. It never arrived. Possibly a good thing. “Urine.” We filled a small urine sample vial with an amount of yellowish liquid. It got there in a day, and an extra stamp had been inexplicably added during its journey. This one opened up a whole box of questions from the postman. Success: 3/4
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Sentimental items. We feel a little bad about this category too. Stuffed Toy. This toy was unpackaged when it was sent off. It emitted an electronic laughing noise when squeezed. However, when it arrived at its destination, it was inside an envelope, inside a delivery bag. It was in a fairly shaggy state but oddly enough, the tag was still attached to its head. On the bag was written: “Our Sincere Apologies. Dear customer, I am sorry that the enclosed item has been damaged whilst in our care.” The postman told the recipient’s bemused landlord that the people at the sorting office had been planning to charge her for receiving unwrapped items, but that he had persuaded them not to. The recipient has assured us that she isn’t going to give back the toy, to prevent further abuse by mailing. Hello Kitty Cup. Without a doubt, this was our most twee item: a Hello Kitty brand paper cup, with the stamp and address affixed to the inside. Unfortunately it never made it to its destination. Perhaps it was needed at the water cooler in the sorting office. Flowers. This budget bouquet of flowers was wrapped in just the usual shiny plastic when we slid them into the postbox. We received some dirty looks when buying them, on account of purchasing the price-discounted flowers around Father’s Day. They arrived at their destination looking very black. No fathers were impressed. Success: 2/3
Potentially valuable items to test the integrity of the postal sorter. Keys. The unpackaged set of keys was sent to the same recipient as the toy some time apart. Soon after, we received an email from her that read, “Landlord slightly worried that I was posting keys to the house to the house (a tad dangerous). He still doesn’t get it, but both items are intact and the Royal Mail made no attempt to package them. They were just delivered.” Oyster Card. Again, we fixed some stamps onto an Oyster card without any sort of packaging. It arrived unscathed. £5. Yes, we fixed a few stamps to a five pound note in a clear envelope, added an address and stuck it in the postbox. It arrived in a new envelope with the address written on the outside. £10. Not content with testing humanity with just a fiver, we also sent off a ten pound note. This, too, arrived in a new envelope. We were told not to send money through the post. Lottery ticket. The ticket arrived just fine. The recipient chatted with the postman, who advised that, as rows A and B were quite similar, the choice of numbers was no good. Success: 5/5
Overall success rate: 19/25 Pretty good, Royal Mail. Enjoy the porn.
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Sentimental items. We feel a little bad about this category too. Stuffed Toy. This toy was unpackaged when it was sent off. It emitted an electronic laughing noise when squeezed. However, when it arrived at its destination, it was inside an envelope, inside a delivery bag. It was in a fairly shaggy state but oddly enough, the tag was still attached to its head. On the bag was written: “Our Sincere Apologies. Dear customer, I am sorry that the enclosed item has been damaged whilst in our care.” The postman told the recipient’s bemused landlord that the people at the sorting office had been planning to charge her for receiving unwrapped items, but that he had persuaded them not to. The recipient has assured us that she isn’t going to give back the toy, to prevent further abuse by mailing. Hello Kitty Cup. Without a doubt, this was our most twee item: a Hello Kitty brand paper cup, with the stamp and address affixed to the inside. Unfortunately it never made it to its destination. Perhaps it was needed at the water cooler in the sorting office. Flowers. This budget bouquet of flowers was wrapped in just the usual shiny plastic when we slid them into the postbox. We received some dirty looks when buying them, on account of purchasing the price-discounted flowers around Father’s Day. They arrived at their destination looking very black. No fathers were impressed. Success: 2/3
Potentially valuable items to test the integrity of the postal sorter. Keys. The unpackaged set of keys was sent to the same recipient as the toy some time apart. Soon after, we received an email from her that read, “Landlord slightly worried that I was posting keys to the house to the house (a tad dangerous). He still doesn’t get it, but both items are intact and the Royal Mail made no attempt to package them. They were just delivered.” Oyster Card. Again, we fixed some stamps onto an Oyster card without any sort of packaging. It arrived unscathed. £5. Yes, we fixed a few stamps to a five pound note in a clear envelope, added an address and stuck it in the postbox. It arrived in a new envelope with the address written on the outside. £10. Not content with testing humanity with just a fiver, we also sent off a ten pound note. This, too, arrived in a new envelope. We were told not to send money through the post. Lottery ticket. The ticket arrived just fine. The recipient chatted with the postman, who advised that, as rows A and B were quite similar, the choice of numbers was no good. Success: 5/5
Overall success rate: 19/25 Pretty good, Royal Mail. Enjoy the porn.
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