Today is different. Today I Have Cancer.

It’s just not any other Wednesday. Today is different.

Today I have cancer.

I remember waking up on the first day of my cancer diagnosis thinking “how could everything just go on as usual? Didn’t you hear the news….I have cancer… that’s a big deal.” Things shouldn’t just be exactly like they were yesterday. It’s different now. Now, I have cancer.

I wanted to scream it to every person who looked at me wrong or treated me rudely

“Be nice. I have cancer.”

But, obviously, that’s not how things were. The world kept turning, the phones kept ringing, and the deadlines were still the deadlines.

I was different, but the world wasn’t and I had to find a way to pull myself through this journey because the world was just way too busy.

I had to do it alone.

It Was Terrifying

As I began my cancer journey, I knew very early in the process that I needed a reward so that I had something exciting and positive to look forward to after I struggled long and hard to get through the various steps of beating cancer.

As part of a personal gift to myself, and as my official “finish line”, I booked a one month solo trip to Italy.

I booked it before I started any of the cancer crap.

I would spend two weeks in a farmhouse in Tuscany and then move to a loft apartment in the center of Florence for the remaining two weeks. It sounded like heaven.

I had never done such a thing. I had never traveled that far for that long all alone. I had never rented a car in a foreign country before. Hell, I had never driven a car in a foreign country before!

I was apprehensive, but after enduring all that cancer forced upon me, I was ready for a radical “balls-to-the-wall” reward. No sense holding back.

I was going to Italy, come hell or high water!

The Time Came

I was packed and ready to go. Let’s do this!The trip was incredible!

It was scary at times, but each step I conquered on my own brought me more and more inner strength.

I was getting my strength back and it felt so empowering.

My first goal after landing in Florence was to rent a car and find “my” farmhouse. I was without the aid of technology, which thankfully, I had anticipated and had brought along printed directions from Google Maps.

The good news was that I felt safe having a map. The bad news was the map wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on!

In the hills of Italy there are NO ROAD signs!!

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It was late afternoon, around 5 pm and I knew it was going to get dark soon. I had no cell phone (because international cell coverage sucks in the Tuscan hillside), no reliable map and I was alone.

I made it down one aisle before a sweet Italian shopkeeper began speaking to me in Italian. I froze.

“Stay calm”, I told myself. You can do this.

I understood everything she was saying to me and now it was my turn to respond. Ahhh.. All I could do was speak Spanish!!! I couldn’t find the right Italian words…only Spanish! Damn it.

What’s the problem with that?? Haha.

If my Mom knew the situation I was in, she’d scold me for taking such a chance! I drove around the area until I finally figured out that I should give that one no-named windy road that I drove by 3-4 times a try.

That must be it.Yes, it worked, I found it!

There before was my beautiful Tuscan farmhouse. I felt a huge sense of relief.

Whew, I had made my way to Italy. Alone.

After dropping my bags at the house, I headed down the little country road to the grocery store. With great confidence, I walked through the door ready to begin my Italian adventure.

I had practiced Italian for months and I was ready to go!

When I was learning Italian, an easy way for me to remember the words was to first remember the Spanish word. It seemed to make sense when I was studying, but clearly, my study method failed me.

I couldn’t remember a single word of Italian

I walked out of the store so mad at myself. I had practiced this stuff. I knew those words. I was determined to go back to the same store again tomorrow (and every other day thereafter, if necessary) until I got it right.

I was going to speak Italian!

The next day I returned to the store armed and ready to go. Same process, same little Italian shopkeeper and BHAM…. I did it.

I spoke to her in Italian and she actually understood me! Yipee!

I felt so proud of myself for sticking with it. I felt another boost of confidence that I so badly needed.

I was ready for another day!

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On one particular morning, I was sitting at the farm table, sipping the most delicious Italian espresso I had ever tasted, as I had done every morning since I arrived.

This day was different.

On this particular morning I had just finished editing my book, Beautiful Lady that chronicled my journey through the hell of cancer.

As I closed my laptop with tears streaming down my face, I felt I had finally crossed the finish line.

I had successfully endured months of physical and emotional pain. I had persevered and fought all the demons.

I had poured my heart out in a book that was my rebirth, my reawakening.

I had learned to more appropriately identify what was important in my life and what wasn’t. I did it.

I had survived.

I experienced a profound sense of pride and relief. It was really over. I had crossed the finish line!

Cancer taught me to fight. It taught me that it is OK to standalone, or reach out and lean on others.

My sole trip to Italy taught me to trust myself again. I am strong. I am smart. I can do this.

My Beautiful Lady, you can do it too. You can survive. No matter the challenge, no matter the size of the monster. You are stronger, smarter and more stubborn than you think you are.

You can do it.

That’s how we roll, my Beautiful Lady. We survive!

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