Kate Greenhalgh is big in Japan

Big in Japan

By Kate Greenhalgh

As we say goodbye to 2020 and turn to sob on the shoulder of 2021, many of us will reflect upon the strains which this past year has placed on our marriage. Now is the time to reset. New year, new us.

Starting with, I suggest, reform of my partner’s gadget addiction, which I will happily support him through. During lockdown, our front hall was like a Rachel Whiteread installation - mountains of polystyrene packaging to clamber over from the latest online delivery. Even the Turbine Hall at the Tate would have struggled to contain it. But before you even get inside, our house is surrounded by thickets of patio heaters, CCTV cameras, heron-repelling motion-sensor water jets, irrigation systems, wifi-enabled smartphonecontrolled entryphones, timed garden lights, dancing gnomes and, yes, a doorbell which plays a medley of irritating ringtones. Inside, our bedroom blinds automatically open via a ‘remote hub’ in case we oversleep. We can’t even have Alexa, because there is room for only one control freak in this house. Confinement, as you may imagine, exacerbated the problem.

Anyway, it’s still early days in Project Reboot. We were just finishing our latest argument about the ‘need’ for electric scooters, when my eye alighted on a partly hidden brochure. The Japanese lettering made my blood curdle. Surely not... no...no...

When we visited Tokyo, back in the days when people travelled to other countries, I lost my partner in the airport - you know that feeling - but I found him again in a popup exhibition devoted to Japanese lavatories. He had that engrossed, glassy-eyed look I have come to dread. If you have not been to Japan, you might not know that Japanese lavatories, as made by the remarkable Toto Toilets Company, are a thing. No matter how humble the establishment, it will boast some version of the Toto Toilet. At its zenith, you find yourself atop a shining throne, with jets of cologne being expertly directed into your nether recesses, warm zephyrs wafted across your buttocks, whilst sound effects of birdsong, the 1812 Overture, you name it, are blasted out to disguise any of your own inadvertent noises. It is like your bottom going for its very own extravagant spa treatment. For an inhibited English person, it is the most awful experience.

‘We. Are. Not. Getting. A. Toto. Toilet.’ I said. ‘Oh please’ he said, ‘I’ll give up on the scooters. Please Kate. We MUST have a Toto Toilet!’

Reader, this is the hill I am prepared to die on. Stand by for the next exciting episode... n

A selection of our Spring/Summer selection A selection of our Autumn/Winter collection

North View, Wimbledon Common ER/D & FParkside, Wimbledon Village ER/E

POA POA

Ridgway Gardens, Wimbledon Village ER/FThe Drive, Wimbledon ER/C

POA £2,750,000

Burghley Road, Wimbledon ER/B Church Road, Wimbledon Village ER/C

£8,500,000 £6,995,000

Southside Common, Wimbledon ER/ELordell Place, Wimbledon ER/D

£6,995,000 £3,650,000

Mansel Road, Wimbledon ER/ESomerset Road, Wimbledon ER/D

Coombe Coombe Sales Sales 020 8947 1100 020 8947 1100

£3,450,000 £3,250,000

Westside Common, Wimbledon ER/DBathgate Road, Wimbledon ER/D

Wimbledon Village Wimbledon Village Sales and Commercial Sales and Commercial 020 8947 9833 020 8947 9833 Wimbledon Village Wimbledon Village Lettings Lettings 020 8879 9669 020 8879 9669

£1,150,000 £3,500,000

Open the door to the new lifestyle you deserve

Get THE BEST OF BOTH worlds TRADITIONAL HIGH STREET PRESENCEGet THE BEST OF BOTH worlds Modern, smart, proactive online presence for the smart sofa surfer purchasers of today’s market place with modern innovative online profile TRADITIONAL HIGH STREET PRESENCE Our dedicated staff will provide a personal service, exceptional local knowledge and experience across all aspects of residential property sales and letting both in Kingston and beyond The difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary is that litte bit extra ... WINNER OF THE BRITISH PROPERTY AWARDS 2018-12019 FOR THE BEST ESTATE AGENT IN KINGSTON UPON THAMES Our dedicated staff will provide a personal service, exceptional local knowledge and experience across all aspects of residential property sales and letting both in Kingston and beyond The difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary is that litte bit extra ... WINNER OF THE BRITISH PROPERTY AWARDS 2018-12019 FOR THE BEST ESTATE AGENT IN KINGSTON UPON THAMES with modern innovative online profile Our dedicated staff will provide a personal service, exceptional local knowledge and experience across all aspects of residential property sales and letting both in Kingston and beyond Th e diff erence between the ordinary and the extraordinary is that litte bit extra ... WINNER OF THE BRITISH PROPERTY AWARDS 2018-12019 FOR THE BEST ESTATE AGENT IN KINGSTON UPON THAMES

FOR FURTHER DETAILS CONTACT FOR FURTHER DETAILS CONTACT 020 8239 0535/020 8274 2658 020 8239 0535/020 8274 2658 129 Richmond Road Kingston upon Thames Surrey KT2 5BZ 129 Richmond Road Kingston upon Thames Surrey KT2 5BZ www.greenwoodsresidential.co.uk www.greenwoodsresidential.co.uk