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the inner voice.
each of us, this fi
will win?” egend of ndfather y to his a light on
each of between ne wolf is openness, presents All these within between eat battle, and we rough our will win.” ilence, Well, wolf
feed,” “The wolf n. ”
It’s not enough to simply starve one wolf and hope the other one will win.
As with the wolves, you have multiple parts that live inside your mind. Some of those parts are loving and kind, some are mean and critical.
Your subconscious can run up to 95 percent of the decisions you make, which is kind of scary. Your inner voice is powered by your subconscious mind – even more scary!
According to one study by Ethan Kross, an experimental psychologist and neuroscientist, we talk to ourselves at a rate equivalent to speaking 4000 words per minute. How many of those 4000 words do you think are negative?
This negative voice is what we are referring to here as your inner critic. Take the notion of impostor syndrome, where your inner critic tells you that you’re simply not good enough and that, despite your achievements, you’re going to be found out as a fraud.
Many of us feel like we are winging it, especially if we’re
experience on the inside can blot out almost everything else if you let it. Apple computer founder Steve Jobs left us with many inspirational quotes and this is particularly poignant: “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.” While this ‘Quiet down quote is about the opinions your inner of others, critic and create space the reality is that some of the harshest to hear your intuitive voice’ feedback and comments you get about yourself come from yourself. It’s hard to be self-assured, infl uential and resourceful when there is a voice in your head constantly criticising your every move. That voice that tells you you’re not doing it right or you should be further along by now. Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life, has a great saying that puts this into perspective: “You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” Great advice!
doing new or diffi cult things. If 4000 words per minute can be paralysing, it can also be self-sabotaging. What you
SHUSH THE BAD
When you become more aware of your inner voice, you can quieten down your inner critic and this will create the space you need to hear your intuitive voice. The good news is, you can get more skilled at noticing where your mind has gone and consciously choose more empowering thoughts. The more we practise, the less power our internal critic has over us. It can take time to form new pathways… your inner critic will not magically disappear. But when it turns
Your inner critic
Chances are, you have often heard your intuitive voice, but then minimised it, ignored the gut feeling or talked yourself out of whatever it told you. Have you ever found yourself exclaiming, “I knew I should have done that; I had a feeling”? Every person has inner guidance available to them and a choice to listen and live with its support, but when you are busy listening to your inner critic, you miss that guidance.
up the volume, you can practise turning it down again. Remember, what you focus on is what you will see. It’s your job now to realise, “Oh, it’s just thoughts – it’s not reality.” You will fi nd this a very freeing move.
letting your critic’s voice decrease in volume can be particularly useful after you experience situations that trigger negative evidence or emotions, such as confl ict or feeling rejected, excluded, not heard or not valued. Brenda James, author of Believe, once had a sign on
HIT PAUSE BUTTON
One highly eff ective technique is to use the power of the pause. Pausing to notice, then her wall saying one word – Pause. “Whenever that sign caught my eye, I was reminded to do just that,” she says. Edited extract from Editedextractfrom Believe: How New Leaders Step Up and Into Their Full Potential, by Brenda James (Grammar Factory, rrp $24.95)
LET’S REFLECT!
Schedule half an hour in your calendar to fi nd a quiet space and think: ● How am I feeling? Am I being kind to myself? ● What am I grateful for? ● What’s my inner voice up to? Am I aware of my thoughts? ● Am I letting go of what I can’t control? ● Have I been living true to my values? ● Have I stopped questioning whether I’m good enough?
Feel closer than ever by making these small but effective changes
ven if you love them sometime m s but t have a fall lin ng out at other moments, chances are you’d never want to be without them m. Who o are they? Yes, they’re e your friends!
Over r the e years, you’ll have e had lots of friends. Some will still be ver ry y importan nt t people e in your r life and others, with whom you thought you’d never lose touch, are no longer around bec e ause you’ve taken diff erent paths. . The road to great friendship may not t always be smooth, but there e are e ways to make your life journey together a continuing so ource of comfort and fun.
Know their true value
Ever thought, “I don’t know why I see my friends – they’re more trouble than they’re worth”? We’ve all been known to mutter those words when we don’t feel we’re being supported or friends are making unreasonable demands. But imagine how lonely you’d feel if you didn’t have any. Friends add breadth to our lives, as well as an opportunity to be intimate and honest about ourselves away from our families.
Think back for a minute over your life and your friends You’llhave some you’ve known forever, with whom you’ve shared life’s highlights, trials and tribulations. Others you’ll have met at a particular time – say, starting uni, in the workplace or after having babies – and shared poignant moments.
Friends off er you practical help, a shoulder to cry on, an objective viewpoint, and someone to go out with and have fun. We often forget these positives when we feel they aren’t playing their part. Bear this is mind before saying something you may regret
True Friends Jennifer Aniston (left) and Courteney Cox.
Think about their role in your life
Marion has had a small, close-knit group of friends she’s known for more than 35 years. She says, “They’ve been really important and have supported me through thick and thin. We met when our children were small and we shared everything. But things aren’t as easy now. We’ve taken diff erent paths since the children grew up and developed diverse views of the world. Sometimes, I’m quite shocked by their opinions and wonder if we’ve outgrown the friendship. A bit of me would miss them, though.”
We connect with people who share experiences or activities. When connections are strong, aspects like personality seem less important. With age and new experiences, links can become less robust and we notice other traits, such as values and attitudes. If the things that grate are all that’s left, friendship will be hard to maintain. But shared history is worth its weight in gold, so focus on the bits that work.
Be brave but gentle
Friendship isn’t always easy. Being close with others has its ups and downs, and there are times our friends do something we don’t feel we can tolerate. It’s tempting to complain to others without ever telling your friend what has upset you.
This is a recipe for disaster because we go on simmering and then at some – often inopportune – moment, the resentment risks boiling over.
Successful relationships are based on honesty. Diffi cult conversations need to be thought through. Find a time when you can both focus on the conversation with no distractions. Explain your desire for everything to be good between you.
Always listen attentively to your friend’s viewpoint and come up with a strategy to ensure those troubles don’t arise again. If necessary, agree to disagree, knowing that you’ll both be respectful of the other’s views. And always end with a hug! .Are you lonely and bored? Yes (1) No (0)
Do you fi nd yourself wondering how old friends are doing?
Yes (0) No (1)
Do you have an ideal activity you would like to do with a friend?
Yes (0) No (1)
Do you sometimes feel isolated and scared when there’s no one else around?
Yes (1) No (0)
Do you want to share life experiences with someone?
Yes (0) No (1) Are you ready to help and be involved in others’ lives when they’re feeling down? Yes (0) No (1)
Do you fi nd that you’re feeling sorry for yourself? Yes (1) No (0)
Do you feel stuck in a rut and think others can help?
Yes (1) No (0)
Do you think your phone is too silent? Yes (1) No (0)
Are you ready to make space for others? Yes (0) No (1)
How do you rate as a mate?
What’s your score?
Tick your answers and add up the corresponding points. IF YOU SCORE MORE THAN 4, you could be thinking about friendships in terms of what you can get out of them, rather than how they can benefi t both of you. Try these tips to make your friendships sing!
ASK ABOUT THEM MORE THAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
Most of us are more interested in ourselves and our families than in other people. But if you want someone to like you then you need to be genuinely interested in that person. Listen to their stories, problems and thoughts. Don’t just talk about yourself!
WHAT YOU GIVE IS WHAT YOU GET BACK
A good friend is someone who shares what’s going on in their life – good and bad. You’ll be genuinely interested and pleased for each other when you succeed, and sorry if things go wrong. Be there in a crisis to hold their hand. it might be to gossip to others. Be open and honest if there’s some diffi culty in your relationship, then tackle the issue gently and with integrity.
MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL
Take time in your busy life to text, phone or see friends so they know they’re important to you. Remember their birthdays and big events, and send a card or drop them an occasional note or text out of the blue. Do fun things and laugh together.
BE OPEN TO MEETING NEW PEOPLE
Many of us have really close friends who we didn’t connect with on the fi rst meeting.
ACT WITH INTEGRITY
Keep their confidences secret however tempting
