FR
EE
.es roadber allab www. 42 num e issu 5 y 201
Januar
20
fiscal advice, features, quizzes, puzzles, crosswords, markets, fiestas, what’s on + more!
Also in this issue: Villajoyosa Malcolm Palmer Ally’s fashion page The Vestry:
things you might already know about Spain!
New Year recipe
On yer bike
With Cyclogical
The GREAT All Abroad JOKE BOOK... Part 1
rates Check out our ad E - the BEST VALU around! Lebanese & International Cuisine LIVE
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20 •
•
IS N I A P S Y H W S N O S A E R . .. T N E R E F F I D T I B E A LITTL
You can’t cross a white line while
•
driving…unless you’re following a
from A to B and is not a precious
police car
jewel…
Fireworks are relative to the size of
•
sparklers don’t expect the roads to
•
•
•
•
MARKET, CHOCOLATE FACTORY, CASTLE
‘Mañana’
ALTEA MARKET
What’s the point of organising
•
doesn’t
necessarily
mean it will be ready tomorrow. •
If you are alone on the beach…
If you can talk louder than the next
someone is going to sit next to
bloke…you’re in!
you.
Parking a car is less of an action and
•
2. Altea / Jalon Valley - 22€ 3.Alicante - 7€ WEDNESDAY/MITTWOCH/MIERCOLES
1. Benidorm - 10€ (Market Day) 2. Alicante - 7€ THURSDAY/DONNERSTAG/JUEVES
I know YOU said you’d be back
1. Cartagena - 10€ *Boat trip -17€ inc boat
more of an event…
today…but I never said we’d be
It is not acceptable to play loud mu-
open…
Boat trip + Train - 20€ inc both tickets
Ok, we’ll give you our weather
Licor 43 Experience + Train 21€ inc Drink
•
has organised it.
and beaches…but you don’t want
Asking if they open on Sundays gets
the language to go with it..? •
Calling someone an ‘hijo de pata’ has no effect at all… (and it doesn’t echo…)
School fiestas are meant to be a fac-
Licor 43 Experience 18€ inc drink
FRIDAY/FREITAG/VIERNES
1. SHOPPING Condominia/Ikea/Thader - 10€ 2. Murcia - - 10€ 3. TERRA NATURA 25€ Adult
23€ Child/Senior
COACH + MEAL + SHOW = 51€ COACH + SHOW = 35€
If someone at the town hall says it
and...
can’t be done…ask someone else at
•
the town hall…
*Mar Menor Train inc train 13€
4. BENIDORM PALACE
simile of the Blitz…enjoy it!
•
TUESDAY/DIENSTAG/MARTES
1.Villajoiosa / ALICANTE - 12€
can bugger their Yorkshire terrier…
•
1.Benidorm - 10€ 2. Algar/Guadalest - 13€
and you want it plucked too..?!
the same reaction as asking if you
•
Mean what you say: you order a
MONDAY/MONTAG/LUNES
thing left in the fridge…
sic after 12am…unless the town hall
•
You will only get stuck behind a
chicken, you get a chicken…oh,
before it actually happens..?
•
like asking a student if there is any-
something more than half an hour
•
re reaakk!! kkee aa b b a T a T with
What’s wrong with a chicken on a
bus if it has broken down.
be fixed anytime soon… Asking if they ‘have more in stock’ is
D
motorbike..?
your town hall’s budget…if you get
•
A car is a car…designed to get you
ALL ABROAD
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If you’re going to get stressed about it…come back tomorrow…
5. Benidorm Night Out - 11€ 6. Alicante Night Out 9€ 7. Novelda + Sanctuary + Bodega 17€ SATURDAY/SAMSTAG/SABADO
1.Valencia - 16€ 2. Union (Mine Park) + Mazarron - 17€
Eating is not something that ‘happens’ it is an occasion to be sa-
SUNDAY/SONNTAG/DOMINGO
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3
The great joke Book
The best of humour from the UK Part 1 1. “I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.” - Harry Hill 2. “I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.” - Unknown 3. “Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.” “Well stay out of those places.” - Tommy Cooper 4. “Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.” - Jim Kinloch (comedy writer) 5. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkey’s do too – if they have a gun.” - Eddie Izzard 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off. - Tommy Cooper 7. “‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” - Demetri Martin 8. “I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.” - Alan Carr
9. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick. - Traditional 10. I’ve just come back from this new restaurant, Wong Fritz. It’s a Chinese German fusion. [A BEAT] Now I’m hungry for power. - Jim Kinloch (based on a traditional
4
premise) 11. An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself. - Unknown 12. “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.” - George Burns 13. How do you call a prison inmate? – Use a cell phone. - Unknown 14. “Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.” - Ricky Gervais 15. Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they’d be called bagels. - Unknown 16. What is small, red and whispers? – A hoarse radish. - Unknown 17. “On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who’s eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?” - Victoria Wood 18. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. - Mark Twain 19. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. - Rita Rudner 20. “I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.” - Lenny Bruce
21. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.” - Steven Wright 22. “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra. - Unknown 23. “”A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin’ cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.” - Bill Hicks 24. “An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.” - Jo Brand 25. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. - Les Dawson 26. Why are robots never afraid? – Because they have nerves of steel. - Unknown 27. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” - Jackie Mason 28. “Today’s a good day for going to a bookstore and ask where the self help section is.” - Jim Kinloch 29. “I play all my Country and Western music backwards – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.” - Linda Smith 30. What’s Green and sings? Elvis Parsley. - Unknown
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32. “I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.” - George Carlin 33. “What’s it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? Stuck in the Twenties, aren’t they? - Harry Hill 34. Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie. - Unknown 35. “I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.” - Jack Dee 36. “I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.” - Bob Hope
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THE PARK INN (Next to the Chop Shop) Ciudad Quesada MAKING FRIENDS
the entertainment side they also
AT THE PARK INN
boast the “Ace of Spades” game
The Park Inn in Ciudad Quesa-
with the great “Keith James” eve-
da (just next to the Chop Shop
ry Sunday from 5pm and they are
Butchers) is now under the man-
bringing back the music quiz on a
agement of Julie and Tony The
Monday night with the wonderful
Park Inn and since they took over
Lyndon B starting at 7.30pm
several months ago the place is
The
Park Inn (In the Car Park next to the Chop Shop)
Ciudad Quesada
The friendly bar where you will get a warm welcome with a smile! • Now Showing: • DAILY SKY SPORTS LIVE • WIDE SCREEN TV • FREE WIFI
bustling with customers and the
So there is lots going on at the
couple would like to invite all
Moment…to say the least, and
readers to come along and enjoy
don’t forget…
• Coming soon:
the Park Inn boasts.
Other enticing and interesting
• POSH JACKET POTATOES served with various fillings
Firstly, there’s a great atmos-
stuff from The Park Inn team in-
phere with the friendly team
cludes a Meat Raffle every Sun-
working there and with daily
day. Tickets can be purchased at
just what a friendly and fun place
• ALL SPORTING EVENTS
•
TASTY BAR SNACKS
•
VARIETY HOT/COLD SANDWICHES
sports being shown
“there is lots going week and are drawn live, quiz nights, ka-
2 Euro, any day of the
•
VARIETY HOMEMADE CAKES
raoke and live en-
every Saturday at 6
•
& FANCY TARTS
pm for a meat pack
• Future events:
tertainment coming soon there is always something going on at The Park Inn.
on at the Moment…to say
to the value of 20 Euro. They also have a free Buffet every Saturday
Posh Jacket potatoes served with various
the least”
afternoon
from 3:30pm for all customers
as
well
fillings are now on the menu and
as the live racing. This is a very
another new event is a cheese
fun afternoon and is proving to be
and wine on the 1st Thursday of
quite popular.
the Month with one sitting 122pm and another 7pm-9pm, this
Already popular with locals The
will commence in February after
Park Inn has enhanced its repu-
their Dec one proved very suc-
tation as ‘your local pub’ under
cessful
the new management of Julie and
Don’t forget they also play host
Tony and as we’ve mentioned be-
to the amazing Johnny Fox every
fore the friendly team that staff
month and they are now starting
the pub will show you that this
a chess League on Sunday morn-
is the friendly bar where you will
ings from 11am- 3pm. Staying on
get a warm welcome with a smile!
•
Live entertainment
•
Fun Quiz Night
•
Karaoke
PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT Sunday afternoon with our very own Keith & Sharon We are open: 8:00am tilll late EVERY DAY
Ciudad Quesada
Tel: 966 717 9597
“Get on yer bike!” by Gary Routledge www.cyclogicalcostablanca.com
Annual Christmas Ride outs Beginners. (Hybrids and Mountain Bikes)
A NEW YEAR A NEW YOU IN 2015
arrived at Cyclogical in Quesada for a glass
Tuesday Morning: 9am Training Group.
Happy New Year to you all from Lynn and
of mulled wine before taking part in their
Advanced.
I. We hope you have a great 2015 and
respective Christmas ride outs. The Gents
(Road Bikes)
now’s the time to improve on all your cy-
On Wednesday 17th December the Ladies and Gents Hybrid / Mountain bike groups
group led by Rob and Ken left the shop at
Wednesday Morning: 10am Gents Cycling
cling skills. If you haven’t started cycling
10.30 and covered approx. 50kms before
Group. All Levels.
yet then what are you waiting for? For
retiring to the Minigolf restaurant at 2pm
(Hybrids and Mountain Bikes)
those of you who have here are some tips
ready for their 3 course Christmas dinner
11am Ladies Cycling Group.
and ideas on how to improve and make
with all the trimmings which was waiting
All Levels.
yourself a better fitter cyclist. Consistency
for them. Lynn’s Ladies group left the shop
(Hybrids and Mountain Bikes)
is how you get fitter.
at 11.15 and covered 40kms before finally stopping at the Minigolf for their Christmas
Thursday Evening: 5.30pm Training Group.
It’s far better to ride a little bit several
lunch at 3pm.
Advanced. (Road Bikes)
times a week than just having one big ride
Both groups were dressed as Santas and
Saturday Afternoon; 2pm Couples Cycling
habit will be the best thing you can do to
Elves and had a great ride and a superb
Group. Intermediate.
improve your fitness. Cycling shouldn’t be
Christmas dinner and most of all a great
(Hybrids and Mountain Bikes)
uncomfortable but we know that many rid-
every other week. Developing a cycling
time. So if you fancy making new friends
ers suffer various aches and pains. Howev-
and enjoy getting out on your bike with
Sunday Morning: 8am Training Group.
er there is a lot that you can do to avoid
others give us a call and join one of our
Advanced.
it. Having the right size and kind of bike is
groups.
(Road Bikes)
paramount, having the saddle and handlebars altered to suit your shape and size is
Monday Morning:
very important.
10am Gents Cycling Group.
8
All Levels. (Hybrids and Mountain Bikes)
The bike needs to fit you. Have a good
1pm Ladies Cycling Group.
routine of stretching and strengthening
CYCLING tips
Calle Los Arcos, 7 QUESADA
Mountain Bikes City Bikes Child Seats Tag-a-longs Hybrid Bikes Road Bikes
advice routes
Ladies Bikes Kids Bikes Tandems Kids Trailers BMX Bikes Electric Bikes
Sales, Repairs, Hires, Accessories & Clothing Open Mon-Fri 09.30-17.30 Sat: 10.00-14.00
Call Gary or Lynn: 637 487 377 www.cyclogicalcostablanca.com
exercises to do after and between your
you fit, they may make your legs hurt and
enough energy left to see you through to
rides
this will help prevent many of the
your lungs burn but riding hills regularly
the end, being able to chat to your mates
niggles and aches that come from riding a
will build up leg strength and will force you
and other riders is a good measure that
bike for long periods of time, you can even
to work a little bit harder than usual and
you have your pacing right.
do them when stopped for a coffee break.
they will also boost your cardio vascular
Finding more time to ride your bike is a
fitness levels.
challenge for all of us but two things will
If you are out of breath it is time to slow down, remember the hare and the tortoise.
help, be creative and be organised. These
Do not avoid them if you want to get fitter
Running out of energy on the bike is un-
two qualities will allow you to seize every
and faster.
Hills also give variety to your
pleasant but can be easily avoided if you
opportunity that comes your way. You can
ride and once at the top you normally have
think about nutrition before, during and
cycle to work, for the shopping, for the
beautiful views and great fun descending
after your ride.
papers to friends houses for dinner to the
after the hard push to get to the top, there
loads of expensive supplements with you,
pub, restaurant etc. There are numerous
are many different types of hills and the
all you need is a handful of dried apricots
opportunities to spend more time in the
best thing is to find a hill close to you that
which are easily available, easy to carry
saddle and save money if you want to.
suits you best.
and easy to eat.
There are many ways to get yourself fitter.
Try timing yourself up the hill and see how
It’s also important to ensure that at least
One of the best ways is to cycle on hills,
you improve if you can do hills everything
one of your water bottles contains a carbo-
there are many reasons to love hills rather
else is easy. Pacing yourself whilst on a ride
hydrate drink (energy drink).
than hate them, hills have always had a
is also important as you need to ensure
poor reputation with bike riders, hills make
that
you
have
You don’t have to carry
If you haven’t ridden in a group before, it’s an idea to join a local group or club no matter what style and type of cycling you do, there are groups out there for everyone. Riding in a group is enjoyable, sociable, make new friends and allows you new opportunities, learn new different routes it also makes you work harder and go further.
Please check
our website under clubs and groups for information or give us a call. Also in 2015 give yourself an aim, if the furthest you have cycled is 40 or 50k try to aim for 50 or 70k, also try to complete one long ride of 100k during 2015.Hope this helps you all to improve and learn new skills, become fitter , healthier and happier. Keep that wheels turning “ All the best Gary and Lynn” .
9
Abrimos todos los dias a partir de 18.ooh & los Sabados y Domingos tambien a medio dia We are open every day from 6.00pm and from 12.00pm at weekends
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Eating well.... with
Winners
2012
Best Newcomer
2013
Best Fine Dining
&
Restaurants
Food is our passion, service is our pleasure.
Two Different Styles, Same Great Quality & Service Well Christmas has well and truly gone for another year, and what a busy year it has been. Not ones to sit back we have decided that January is time for major changes at Frissan. During the first few weeks of January we will have a mini refurbishment; we will change the name and implement an exciting new menu. Look out for details of our launch party. We have had a fabulous time this year with fashion shows afternoon tea and in 2015 we will be holding a medieval banquet. We have had lots of Christmas celebrations. It was good to see the Red Hatters enjoying themselves the other day at Frissan. Lots of people buy so much food at Christmas because they want to have plenty for everyone. Quite often this results in lots of leftovers but please be careful, all food has a limited life if it’s been in the fridge for a few days it will be ok ,providing it is wrapped carefully. Always always keep uncooked food completely separate to cooked food. Cross contamination of bacteria can make you ill. Don’t forget freezing is an option. If I have a turkey or even a chicken carcass they will often be lots of little pieces attached to the bones if you take the time to pick these pieces from the carcass there is quite often enough for a meal. I like to freeze these pieces and use them when I want something quick and easy. For example mix together honey whole grain mustard and 2 pinches of curry powder in a bowl add the turkey pieces an stir to thoroughly coat the meat and pop in a 180 deg until the honey starts to thicken a slightly bubble. It’s ready to go eat as it is with a salad or rice, pasta or even potato and vegetables.
Cooking with Gordon
No.
11
Cheese risotto Sometimes after Christmas you just want something different... ...so why not try my pea and goats cheese risotto You wil need: 25 g butter 2 vegetable stock cube ½ onion, finely chopped 1 bunch fresh thyme 400 g risotto rice 150 ml white wine 300 g frozen peas sea salt freshly ground black pepper 100 g crumbly goat’s cheese 75 g Parmesan cheese, freshly grated Method: Heat the peas in a saucepan with approx 1 ltr of water and 2 vegetable stock cubes when it has boiled blitz with a hand blizer . In a separate pan, heat the butter, then add the onion and fry for about 8 minutes until the onion is soft but not coloured. Add the rice and turn up the heat and stir so it almost fries. After a minute the rice will look slightly translucent. Add the wine and keep stirring. Now add a ladle of hot pea stock a pinch of salt and the fresh thyme. Turn down the heat to a fairly high simmer. Keep adding ladlefuls of stock, stirring constantly and allowing each ladleful to be absorbed completely before adding the next. Stir until the rice is soft but still has a slight bite, then season with salt and pepper. You might need a little more liquid or add some cream to make it extra special Remove from the heat and stir in half the goat’s cheese and the Parmesan. Sprinkle the remaining goat’s cheese over the top and eat as soon as possible while it retains its lovely moist texture.
info@vestryrestaurant.com www.vestryrestaurant.com 11
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10
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they call them DEALZ in Spain)
the things I like. Welcome to my little space & HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Ok, I know it’s been there for a while now, but I did not know! And I am sure many of you didn’t know. I went there with my lil sis and I almost cry, the smell, the products all written in english… It was a really weird feeling. So I went crazy and the shopaholic in me was telling me to shop shop shop. Everything for 1,50€ (I know, it’s a bit more expensive, but hey! We’ve got Poundland!).
I love pound shops or Euro shops. I don’t know why. I love all the lit-
What did I go crazy for? Well… almost eve-
tle cheap things you can buy in them and I
rything. Like accesories, you can get a lot
love the Christmas stocking fillers (I got a
of rings and earings and necklaces, and
few of those, didn’t you?). I think that you
also nail art stuff. I also love the clean-
can get really good things
ing products and the beauty products. I don’t know why but I always prefer things from the UK, so
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this is where I will be buying them from now on. Also all the Christmas decorations, new years eve tableware and Stocking fillers for my 6 Year old son and sweets, chocolate and cookies! So… now you know about tihs, we might see each other on one of the aisles of Dealz in Alicante (Next Ingles),
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The Delights of Flying
quicker the plane will arrive.
First one has to be there 2 hours before your expected flight which is not a prob-
One after the other mobile phones start ringing, people rustle through bags con-
lem especially when one is only 10 min-
taining tissues, sweets, boarding passes,
utes from the airport, but then comes the
miniature bottles of vodka - because they
interesting bits… I travel in style because I am basically lazy and use the wheelchair
are too expensive to buy on the plane. They spy others standing close with sus-
service, this gives us separate customs
picion as their phones begin playing a va-
control to get all our bits and pieces inspected, sometimes every little bit and
riety of message signals, each wondering who could be calling them at the airport.
every piece. This also is not a problem if
They examine their screen closely to find
somebody has something stuffed up their knicker leg that may explode on the flight,
it is the offending airline telling them of a delay of two hours, children cry, parents
I personally do not want to get on.
cry, and people sit down on the floor de-
My objection is, nice though they are,
termined to keep their place in the queue.
when they come around with their surgical gloves and ask permission to search one, why cannot one ask for whom so ever they
The more astute spy out comfortable chairs at a bar and plant themselves firmly awaiting more announcements…Every-
want to do the search, I mean if I have to have hands run round my body in delicate places, I am not really wanting a failed fe-
body that can texts home to bemoan their delay, still in the misguided belief that the angrier they sound and the louder they
male prison officer sporting a moustache when there is a handsome young male of-
moan the quicker the whole problem will be solved, alas no.
ficer stood with nothing to do. Having finally managed to traverse the inspection
Mobiles begin again with a variety of calls like mating season in the spring each
without too much embarrassment; knicker legs clear of explosives. Good job I wasn’t searched last night after eating chicken.!!!! We sit and wait with the crowd, time goes quickly watching the hustle and bustle of airport life pass by, the gate is called and the herd rushes forward desperate to get to the gate first and stand their ground waving priority boarding passes in the air to secure their place in the queue even though their seats are booked and they will not get on any faster as half the plane has booked priority boarding.
calling out desperately waiting to be answered, an update is there begging to be looked at. The flight is delayed another two hours; half past midnight is the ETA so many are not going to be home until the early hours of Sunday morning, Will vouchers be given, what about accommodation? No this is a Ryan Air flight; it’s a bed down on the floor night. Crew come along and impart the bad news to the people who have planted themselves on the floor, they have to move, as the gate is lost to Bristol. Moans and laments are heard throughout the terminal, it’s going to be a long, long night… It was...5am before we rested our weary heads on our anti allergen bounce back pillows...Bliss BUT remember any delay over two hours and you are entitled to claim back your food expenses...not alcohol... even if no vouchers are given out and now crew are availale get recipets and send them in on yopur return. These are your rights and we need to stand for them, claim back your sausage rolls your cups of tea and bottles of water...
We wait patiently, almost smugly, knowing we will be boarded first or last it makes no odds our seats are reserved. Then the mutterings begin the shuffling of feet and questions passed from one to the other like Chinese whispers: Is the plane here? Is it the right gate, where is the priority gate, we are first...? The herd are jittery ready to stampede at the first look of an official, but none appear, the experienced ones know within a very short time that the plane has not even arrived, the inexperienced and the stupid moan believing the louder they moan the
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BEAUTY and the BEAST Villa Joyosa Last month I headed to Campel-
houses to tiny (and rickety) flats.
lo, where the mountains descend gracefully into the sea and scoot-
The streets are that narrow that if you
er riders descend disgracefully
leaned from a crooked balcony on one side
into bars… but not yet, work to do
you would be able to reach you neighbours
and all that.
washing line on the opposite side. Walking through the narrow roads it’s great to
The first thing we find is the peninsula La
get away from the noise (and pollution)
Illeta dels Banyets –but put it this way if
of normal roads and the only sounds we
you like old ruins (insert humorous com-
could hear were kids playing…oh and our
ment here) you’ll enjoy this 5000 year old
photographer moaning. It was at this point
beauty. Inhabited for most of that time
that Possibly the ugliest dog in the world
there are still plenty of reminders of the
made himself known to us as we wan-
various cultures that have called this bit
dered - striking a contrast with the beauty
of rock home, but as I say, we’ll bring you
around it, but he was friendly although
more on that in future.
a little depressed I think but then if you looked like that…?
A trot along the 332 northwards up through the mountains and we begin winding slow-
At the bottom we exited alongside the river
ly upwards alongside the Tramway as it
as it headed into the Med’ and where Gyp-
moves silently towards Denia and then
sies sat chatting and laughing and sharp-
back down again as we descend into Hap-
ening knives… a quick word to Mark (over
pytown, or Villa Joyosa as the Spanish like
my shoulder) to keep an eye on his cam-
to call it.
era equipment as I legged it to the seafront and found that the variety of house
Many of you, I’m sure, will have seen its
colours is no less vibrant than what we had
now famous colourful houses on postcards
seen before and the old world charm of the
and tourist brochures and as we parked up
buildings is continued right the way along.
next to the Rio Amadocco the sun highlighted the facades emphasising why this
The smell of fish cooking and steaming
place is known as the town of colour.
coffee gave us a chance to sit down and take some notes as we watched swim-
We head for the alleyways of old town,
mers (yes in December!) and sun-bathers
where a rehabilitation programme is under
enjoying the real Mediterranean. Because
way to restore these fantastic old buildings
that’s exactly what Villa Joyosa is, when
to their former glory. The cobblestones
you’ve looked at books and brochures tell-
under feet have all been renewed over
ing you to come and enjoy the Med’ this is
the past few years and the beginnings
what they are talking about – a real Span-
of the reformation is visible and walking
ish town, sheltered by mountains on one
down through we were amazed at just
side and the clear blue sea on the other,
how many houses there are in this part of
come and have a look – you won’t be dis-
town – ranging from large renovated town
appointed..
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.. .. n io in p o le b m u h y In m LET’S HEAR IT FOR
blame them.
THE SOCIAL SECURITY!
Even the food wasn’t half as bad as I had
LINGUISTIC PITFALLS
expected, with plenty of variety, and too
er anxious wait, lest I should catch a cold
The recent and much-mourned death of
or whatever, just as the moment came.
the Duchess of Alba, at the age of 88, may
But no – all was well, and in I went, on a
have left some of our readers a little puz-
nippy Sunday afternoon, to be prepared
zled as to her actual identity, as her name
for my op. the next morning.
sounds British, to at least some extent,
Big surprise! I had been expecting a gen-
Cayetana
eral anaesthetic, and was more worried
would, indeed, have had a realistic claim
about how I’d get over that than anything.
to the throne had Scotland voted for in-
But no, what I got was an epidural, then
dependence.
mercifully screened off so that I couldn’t
I am no royalist, but had a great respect
watch, and a bit doped up from whatever
for the Bohemian Duchess, who would be
they’d given me, I was fully awake, and
seen wearing a bikini well into her eight-
listened to the whole damned thing. Saw-
ies, always supported by her third hus-
ing, hammering, banging and all sorts of
band, Alfonso Diez, 27 years her junior.
fiddling about took place in my sleeping
In terms of noble protocol, she outranked
lower half. Then I was wheeled out into
the Queen of England, having some 47
the ‘reanimation’ room to be, well, rean-
titles, and incalculable riches, including
imated.
9 castles, palaces all over Spain, works
Before long I was back in my room,
of art by Rembrandt, Goya, Picasso and
shared with a guy waiting for a minor job
Titian, original manuscripts by Columbus,
on his wrist, and attended by my wife,
you name it. But her lifestyle was hectic.
who slept the night - or as much of it as
A lover of football, bullfighting, skiing, fla-
she could – on the bedside couch. All dig-
menco, she gave huge amounts of cash to
nity is off when you go into hospital, and
charity, and was particularly loved by the
thirty years ago, I’d never have believed
gypsy community of Sevilla. She spoke
that three pretty nurses could wash my
five languages, called the Queen of Eng-
willy and........nothing!
land ‘Lizzy’ and was one of the most popu-
They made me sleep with my legs apart,
lar figures in Spain, always dressing in the
and laughed when I referred to that as
brightest colours, and holidaying in the
the ‘whore position.’ But they were, all of
most far-off places. She leaves six grown-
Language teachers won’t always prepare you for some of the more embarrassing errors you can make when taking your earliest steps in a foreign language. These can often be occasioned by double entendres, double meanings, as frequent in English, I suppose, as in any tongue. Take, for a simple instance, the implications of the various uses of the word ‘prick’ or ........well, you can doubtless think of plenty of other words that can be misunderstood. So, of course, in Spanish. A few examples:Huevos – eggs, but coloquially, ‘testicles.’ Paja – straw, but used to mean ‘masturbate’ Polvo – dust, but can also refer, rather oddly, to sexual intercourse (hence ‘hecho polvo’ – knackered). Chochin – wren, Conejo – rabbit, Concha – shell, but all may refer to female genitalia. The practically universal ¡coño! However, has just about ceased to have any meaning, and raises no eyebrows when used in all but the most poilte conversations, as an exclamation, even though its English equivalent is still regarded as most unparliamentary, and causes something of a shock when heard on the telly. There is even a famous balcony in Andalucía called the Balcon de Coño, because that’s what you say when you get up to the railing and look down the beetling vertical cliff. It all depends, of course, upon context, but pronunciation can also cause a few problems. Be sure you get ‘pollo’ right, because substitute the last letter with an ‘a’ and you won’t get a female chicken – it means quite something else. Another thing to be avoided is the literal translation. If you get your computer to translate, ‘Maria tiene mala leche’ it will probably tell you, ‘Mary has bad milk.’ What the phrase really means is that Maria can be a right bitch. And if the crowd at a football match starts to chant, ‘¡Que echan los huevos!’ they don’t want the players to start chucking eggs, they’d like them to get stuck in. I could go on. There is an infinite variety of idiomatic Spanish, that only time and
them, absolutely tremendous! To a man,
up children, all by her first marriage. The
conversation will teach you.
they moan about the cuts made by Ra-
eldest now becomes the Duke of Alba
My old hip was steadily getting worse.
much of it. My only complaint was the
Every time I tried to move my right leg
length of the bed. The nurses told me I
a few millimetres out of line, it sounded
was too big! At just over six feet (1.86
like castanets – and hurt like....well, you
metres)! What are they going to do if Marc
know.
Gasol goes in? (he measures 2.16 metres)
I had been on the waiting list about six
And when they sent me home in an ambu-
months when I got a letter inviting me to
lance, further evidence of the cuts – just
take up the option of going private, to one
one poor guy to get me in and out on the
of the several private hospitals in Alicante.
stretcher, and up the steps into my apart-
I immediately turned it down. (I had been
ment.
treated exceptionally well at the General
All in all, though, I have to say, if this was
Hospital when I had eye surgery, and an-
a sample of the Social Security Health
yway, private medicine is anathema to my
Service, it needs all the support you can
socialist leanings)
give it.
Almost straight away, I was summoned to see the anaesthetist at Alicante General, signed papers, and was sent for a blood
THE DUCHESS OF ALBA
test and a radiography. Then came a rath-
Fitz-James-Stuart.
And
she
joy and his miserable crowd, and I don’t
20
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MALCOLM PALMER
gets ‘it’ off his chest...
FIFTY SHADES OF…..DISMAY
FORTY TWO
RECOVERY? YEAH, RIGHT!
I read a lot. A lot of very varied stuff –
Doesn’t mean anything to you? Then you are in the disadvantaged group unfamiliar with ‘Hitch-hikers’ Guide to the Galaxy.’ Therein Adams promulgates 42 as the answer to ‘the question of the universe and all that.’ He doesn’t, however, know what the question is. My own question is: Does anyone know? I certainly don’t. Is there a serious point here? Well, yes, I suppose there is, because, over the centuries, millions of people have suffered and died as a result of religious beliefs – and still it goes on, as bad as ever. If you think the Islamic nutters have a monopoly, you don’t know your history, or you prefer to ignore the monstrosities perpetrated in the name of conversion to Christianity, and not just in America, either. Here in Spain, and in many other parts of the world. Based on the flimsiest of ‘evidence’ in a series of often ridiculous stories surely never meant to be taken seriously, Christians have tortured and killed their way across the world. Now Islam is having a go, based on even dafter stuff, Imams telling wide-eyed youngsters that they will earn the right to a hundred virgins if they blow themselves up. The Jews defend their artificially-created state with more religious fervour. Meanwhile Buddhists, and no end of other sundry religions are all certain the god or gods they believe in is the only true path. They can’t all be right. All the above have something in common. They feel the need to dress up in funny clothes and indulge in strange practices of one sort or another. (I exclude from this the more moderate believers) Before you all rush to defend your parish priest, I know there are many who do a lot of good, and lots of hospitals in the Third World depend heavily upon their nuns and priests. But couldn’t they do their good works without all the trappings of religion? Look, let me say right away, that there is plenty in the universe that I don’t even begin to understand, but like Douglas Adams, I DO know that the answer
Look, this isn’t really meant to be political – it goes deeper than that. I’ll put my cards on the table, though – my beliefs, such as they are, tend to the left. Having got that out of the way, let’s have a look at where Spain is headed – and this may well apply to a few other countries in the world too. Our beloved President (and can you trust someone whose beard is white, and his ‘barnet’ jet black?) delights in telling anyone who hasn’t switched over to the Simpsons that the nation is well on the road to healthy recovery. Well, Sr. Rajoy, let me tell you, I went to school, albeit a long time ago, and 25% unemployment might be better than 26%, but it’s a long way from the 4 point something that Frau Merkel’s lot are enjoying. Our leader also tells us that the contracts being signed by the newly employed are good ones. Er...no, they are certainly not. A survey reveals that 92% of them are temporary jobs. I did one of those in my college holidays, delivering mail! So what does the left have to offer? A lot of bickering, for a start, and so many odds and ends of parties that the ruling PP mob, beset by corruption, can hang on to power despite having about a quarter of the voters behind them. The new lot, ‘Podemos’ (‘We can’) probably can’t at all. Their boss, Pablo Iglesias, is a scrawny looking university type you could hardly see running a kids’ playground. The best liked politician, according to surveys, is Rosa Diez, of the UpyD – she really doesn’t have a party. The only credible opposition is the PSOE, or socialist party, trying hard, under the quite impressive Pedro Sanchez, to recover from a few years of weak non-leadership. So what of the future? Doesn’t look too bright, frankly. Rajoy (again) says that construction is back on the move. Why, when there are so many unoccupied apartments? The rest of industry has a hard time competing with cheap products from the far east. (Check the labels on your purchases) The birthrate is dropping as young families can’t make ends meet, so the population gets older and older.
all the way from the classics to, to well, just about anything. I have even read and enjoyed books that you may well classify as being ‘girlie,’ despite having no feminine characteristics, so far as I am aware. And some of my favourite writers are female – Kate Atkinson, Val McDermid, for instance, two very different authoresses, but both experts in their field. And Alexandra Fuller’s books are quite wonderful. Somehow, I came by a copy of the lauded ‘Fifty Shades,’ and I have to say that I found it about as arousing as watching the Eurovision Song Contest. So what is arousing? In print, that is.I remember the shock of seeing the first really rude words in print, when ‘Lady Chatterley’ came out, but that was only mildly titillating, even in those far-off days. It wasn’t until I got hold of a then pirate copy of ‘L’histoire d’O’ and subsequently found it translated into rather quaint English, that I found a truly erotic novel. (Not that I was, you understand, actually seeking one! But, well.......) What makes an erotic novel? Nothing whatever to do with pornography, that’s for sure, because, for one thing, ’O’ contains not a single rude word, and neither does ‘The Image’ by Jean de Berg, another truly erotic offering. Oddly enough, neither were written by – or at least acknowledged by - well-known authors. (There is a theory that ‘O’ was, in fact, the work of a famous writer, even though the name on the title page is that of one Pauline Réage) There is no graphic description of anatomy either, just the building of atmosphere, and whilst the eponymous ‘O’ seems to be a submissive woman, it is she who ultimately dominates her lovers. I now understand that the dreaded ’50 Shades’ has been made into a musical. I don’t expect to be buying a ticket.
is........42.
Where do all those pensions come from? OK, I reckon I have the answer. Put my head in the oven. Oh s*&t, it’s electric!
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A BIG PAGE of
PUZZLE FUN!!
riddles
Across
1. If a man carried my burden he would break his back. I am not big but leave silver in my tracks. What am I? 2. When you stop and look, you can always see me. If you try to touch you cannot feel me. I cannot move, but as you near me, I will move away from you. What am I? 3. I have two arms, but fingers none. I have two feet, but cannot run. I carry well, but I have found I carry best with my feet OFF the ground. What am I? 4. I can be cracked, I can be made. I can be told, I can be played. What am I? 5. When I point up it’s bright, but when I point down it’s dark. What am I?
1.A snail. 2. I am the horizon. 3. A Wheelbarrow. 4. A Joke! 5. A Light Switch. SOLUTIONS:
It's a toughy!
1. Philip __ (US ambassador to UK 19972001) 6. Keen 10. Joseph Alois Ratzinger 14. Conscious 15. __skirt 16. Not up 17. We cautioned monk? 20. Even though 21. __-wheeler 22. __ precedent 24. Sticky stuff 25. Adjacent to, as land 28. Come again? 30. Just open 34. Streak 35. Rounds 36. Highly ornamented style 38. Preserved pup pen? 41. Breakfast order, maybe 42. It puts the ‘pop’ in pop 43. Had a bite 44. Like a smelly cigar 45. Burn slightly 46. Garden __ 47. Behave 49. Sea weed 51. Setting for Shakespeare’s Hamlet 56. Man on the Main 60. Copperplate Isis? 62. __ Denisovich (Solzhenitsyn character) 63. Occupant of 13 down 64. Like some sheets 65. Play people 66. Told where to go 67. Choose
Down
1. Dalai __ 2. Missing roll call? 3. Apply crudely 4. Part of E.M.H. 5. Lace again 6. “__ Blue”, Ethel Waters’ classic 7. Grape holder 8. __ Girls (Ray & Saliers) 9. San __ 10. Warsaw__ 11. Instrument once known as the ‘hautbois’ 12. Cute dog 13. First nudist colony? 18. Try 19. Dr. __ (Briish TV series) 23. Company name in many Roadrunner cartoons 25. Passion 26. Present day Myanmar, once 27. Let loose 29. Charley __ 30. King beater 31. He had a whale of a time 32. Severe 33. __ off (secured) 35. A close relative 36. Make amends 37. Eggs 39. They bugle 40. Lie in the tub 45. Walked briskly 46. Like some staircases 47. Wheel of Fortune purchase, perhaps 48. S.A. shrubs targeted by the DEA 50. Let slip 51. Kind of poem 52. A buck in Bulgaria 53. Evian and Eeds 54. __ She Lovely (Stevie Wonder hit) 55. Panache 57. Word on a Miller label 58. Pertaining to hearing 59. Monthly payment, perhaps
It's EASY!
Across
1. Volume with a lot of volume 5. Up to snuff 10. Student’s org. 14. Designer Cassini 15. Followers of Muhammad ibn Ismail ad-Darazi 16. Kinks hit 17. Columbus caravel 18. Strauss material 19. Sign 20. Does this mean I’m ignorant or... 23. Reagan’s ‘Star Wars’ project, for short 24. Relative of 17 across 25. No spring chicken 28. Marches 32. Tie a knot 35. What the ‘fat lady’ sings 37. Susan on “Coupling” 38. La Sorbonne, e.g. 40. ... that I don’t read this guy’s books or... 43. ___ voice (conscience) 44. Just a drop 45. Knows what’s up 46. Make lace 47. Takes in 50. __ Spiegel 51. Collection 52. Shaq’s shoe width 54. ...that I don’t buy this guy’s booze? 63. Sound of displeasure 64. Shocking 65. Having the resources 66. Eric of Monty Python fame 67. In reserve 68. Lawsuit 69. Word with swap or track 70. Leveled 71. Sherpa’s specialty
Down
1. ‘Flakey’ tiger 2. Hodgepodge 3. Dish list 4. Euphemistic expletives 5. How to make glycerin explosive 6. Weight allowance 7. Type of rock 8. B __ Baby 9. Item oft lost in the couch 10. Onetime sprint record-holder, for short 11. Luigi’s capital city 12. Guiness 13. It has a turret 21. Takes too much LSD 22. More prudent 25. Smoking, e.g. 26. Place for spectacles 27. A well-known one is green 29. Ditch plants 30. Emcee’s concern 31. Capital of Senegal Copyright © dave fisher 32. It needs dressing 33. Lift up 34. Furnishings 36. Downed 39. Pigeon patter 41. Caper 42. Firmly inserted 48. Waco campus 49. Last word in “America the Beautiful” 51. Not a liability 53. Pass a bill 54. Notion 55. Make like Waldo 56. ___ of Man 57. Poet and feminist of the Americas (18951965), Lee 58. Calif. neighbor 59. Courteous 60. Girder 61. Ultimatum word 62. Vichyssoise ingredient
Word: ABSOLVING
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