EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION
Welcome to the FIRST full issue of this new e-magazine produced for fellow OFaBOF’s
AS The modern world is too fast for us… All the news is bad or worse…
OFaBOF With Honour
We can remember the times when… Well, anything you want us to recall…
OFaBOF Trainee of Distinction
Cars, sports, beer, jobs, life. When you ate a blackberry…
News you may have missed
And GB was a country?
SO Now we are well into a second half century, and reflection on events is our lot as we no longer make things happen, discovering “happy happenings” is a blessing.
BUT Hard to find in the plethora of web news. Thus, I hope you enjoy my selection in this positive albeit sideways look at the human condition in 2008. Dave Hambidge
Question of the moment?
Showcase time
AA RReevviieew w ooff tthhee m moorree iim mppoorrttaanntt iitteem mss tthhaatt m maayy jjuusstt hhaavvee ppaasssseedd yyoouu bbyy Continuing with my theme from the trial issues about American obsessions with guns, I recoil in horror at this gem.
The implication is that the teachers need to have guns to protect their charges if a guntoting intruder gained access to the school premises.
w whheenn tthhee w woorrlldd w waass pprreeooccccuuppiieedd w wiitthh BBeeiijjiinngg… …
For the occupants of Stockholm, the dateline 08.08.08 had other implications than the Olympics. Their area telephone code for the last forty odd years was the origin of “Go08” festival, headed up by a giant street water fight with some 10,000 participants. Nice one!!
Whilst their might be a superficial logic to this when one recalls the tragic recent shoot outs in USofA, is not the best idea to ban the ruddy guns to all people, all of the time?
And before we leave the Baltic coast, homage, or is it pity, for Ms My Svensson. I am sure that the ability to type a 141 character text in 61 seconds will enhance her life. Me, I use a pencil end rubber and proper spelling. Saddo!
Inexperienced teachers attempting to ‘takeout’ an unwelcome visitor must be at risk of hitting the innocent.
Back across the big pond, firstly to Mr Guffey, who is $3 million better off by NOT taking his glasses to pick the lottery numbers in Indiana. These days, I need extended reading glasses to read the instructions on my suppositories!
Especially with the trite sounding motivating cry of ‘shoot first and ask questions later!’ For me, this is just another reason to not visit the land of the free.
And thence to Bakersfield in California where a man up a cherry picker got a very nasty surprise when his work place moved.
Over the last few years in UK, the month of August has become ever more the silly season for so called ‘hard’ news. Which means that the politicos are elsewhere and proper events receive fair treatment. Thus, a fine selection of tit bits, headed up by not one but TWO penguin stories, both from Scotland.
Now, down to Gloucestershire for a heart warming story about the return of a kidnapped garden gnome. With piccys of its world wide adventures. Excellent. Which reminds one of a similar jape of me and ‘er when we took a rubber duck on a cruise to Norway for posing snaps, such as;
At Edinburgh Zoo, one of the resident Kings was knighted by a visiting member of the Norwegian Royal Guard Regiment. A tradition that goes back over thirty years links the penguins with the army. A lovely example of human madness!
A little further up into the Highlands and penguins were a bother to air-sea rescue staff. Fortunately the funny side could be seen in two inflatable Pingu’s being mistaken for a crashed micro-light.
And finally, a wheeze of an idea; bartering for beer Meanwhile, in Brighton a couple enjoyed each other in a BT phone box whilst making up for lost time. (And in Auz, a group of men were apprehended doing a ‘cling filming’ of a similar facility.) Why the preoccupation with public telephone booths?
and a fine selection of bitters to sample
OVER FIFTY AND BORING OLD FART
OVER FIFTY AND BORING OLD FART
TRAINEE OF DISTINCTION
WITH HONOUR
Boris Johnson
William "Billy" Connolly, Jr., CBE
Love him or not, and he does generate extreme opinions, Boris Johnson cannot (and should not IMHO) be ignored. One of the very few charismatic politico’s strutting their stuff in UK in 2008, Boris is prepared to take a stand and then the flak created. His weekly column if the DT made Thursday into ‘St. Boris Day’ in the hambo household. (And I am delighted to note its return, at least in the on-line version.) Boris makes you think about the subject at hand and question your own opinions. His recent election as Mayor of London should produce a fascinating time to observe and be part of. It will inevitably be entertaining.
As advice to any male OFaBOF, the following is vital and deadly accurate. ‘Never pass up the chance to have a piss. Never trust a fart. If you find yourself with an erection, use it!’ The wit and wisdom of our hero is hilariously poignant, as I know to my cost. He espouses the positive, sideways view of the human condition that entertains and educates in equal proportions. When the Big Yin disclosed to the world that he had been sexually abused by his father when a child, I cried for his pain. And applauded his courage in opening the lid on one of the few remaining taboos, same-gender child sexual abuse.
And behind the apparent buffoonery, I have espied his patronage of a very worthy initiative called CHANT, have a look yourself. For more on our trainee of distinction, hop over to his website, disengage your prejudice and enjoy some stimulating writing.
That he did so after screwing his psychotherapist (and wife) Pamela Stevenson may have offended analytical purists, but they are a touchy lot anyway. His subsequent recounting of the tribulations of chronic prostatitis is public service broadcating at its finest. A biography at wiki is complete and turgid but his own website most amuzing, call there!
JACK AND GILL IN 2008, PART 1 In T'Both (The Bottom of The Hill) live some people who, if you will follow my tale I shall introduce, then consider in detail just quite how and when our heroine caught her man. A story of love, a dog and a van. So let's make a start and meet our Gill and the others by the hill.
Gill has resided out in the sticks since her last boyfriend was taken sick and died of a stroke brought on by a fall when he fell off a ladder onto a wall. In her distress and crushing grief Gill wanted space to give her relief from the demands of neighbours and friends coming to wail and clothes to rend.
For the last ten months of her thirty first year Gill had rented a house that was quite near her parents in the local town, but far enough away that they did not feel that they had to pay a visit every week, to peck her on the cheek and pretend they understood when nobody possible could.
The house was more of a farm hands cott two up, two down, but it had got a lovely view straight up the hill. So, on those days when Gill had the will she could walk for miles, unencumbered by other folk who would only lumber her with stupid and needless chatter that really did not ever matter.
But if Gill really wanted amity, with no conditions, offered free, she only had to wander down to the local pub, the Half A Crown, where T'Both locals gathered at night to chew the cud and occasionally fight about the parlous nature of life and if Lou was adequately servicing his wife!
Leicester Lil and Liverpool Lou were a very different couple who arrived at T'Both and then forgot all about why they had got to escape there in the first place! Opting out of the human rat race had left them both in such deep harmony they could easily cope with the pub repartee!
Gill soon found Lil to be a close friend with whom on Saturday she tended to end the week in the snug with a pint and a spliff righting the wrongs before the whiffs of wacky baccy spread to the bar requiring the door to be ajar so the other drinkers were not so puddled that they cuddled and not got piddled!
The other customers at the '2 and 6' (The Old British coin of half a crown was worth 2 shillings and 6 pennies, the equivalent of 12 and a half new pence)
knew that Gill had been in a fix so by and large left her alone but occasionally someone would phone to check she was fine. Every so often she would go to dine with one of the good people who knew her shop near the steeple.
Gill enjoyed her job at the shoe boutique and although the employment was not unique it meant she met lots of people in the premises by the church steeple. During her breaks Gill stretched her limbs, walking around, indulging her whims by nipping around, window shopping before returning to her own store and dropping.
The demand for footwear changed across the week until Saturday, which was the inevitable peak. Monday and Tuesday were so desperately slow but Wednesday was busy as folk would go between the shops and temporary street stalls where the market traders were full of rude calls. Gill would have loved to join such touting, but her manger frowned on such public pouting!
Thursday was always a very grey day as all the retired folk came out to play. Whilst some were cheerful and good for a laugh many were so miserable they made Gill barf (that is, sick!)
The ravages of time are so unfair but the meanness of spirit was in their care. Gill hoped so much to be spared that fate even if her body sagged and gained great weight.
On Friday the shoe shop closed at noon, the time could never come too soon! A quick lunch with the girls left plenty of time for them to hurl the supermarket trolleys around the aisles and still be at home for a decent while before the weekend traffic become immobile which always caused Gill to have a big smile.
Saturday was hectic from open to close, but to be fair, Gill had to suppose, it was the only day for kids to bring a parent to pay for the items, that was apparent! But, if, as and when she ever had children Gill would decide about the footwear whether they believed that she did care?
AND NOW FOR THE BORING STUFF Please copy any of this material as you like. But play fair and acknowledge the source. Failure to so do will result in you having bad dreams from guilt And me getting right pissed off. New issues will appear about weekly, please bookmark for a return. Any comments or suggestions can be left on the website/blog you have arrived at.
FIRST ISSUU PUBLISHED 20/08/08 Š DAVE HAMBIDGE