Managing A Newborn Plus a Toddler

It's so exciting to bring a new baby home when you have another child waiting to meet him or her. But caring for two young kids is challenging for a new mama, demanding and exhausting. Your toddler may feel jealous, displaced or lonely to see you loving on another child — feelings that may cause them to act out. Know that there are a few helpful adjustments you can make moving from one-on-one to zone parenting. And you can do it all successfully. Here are a few tips for bringing your new baby home from From One Child to Two: What to Expect, How to Cope and How to Enjoy Your Growing Family (Ballantine; 1995) by Judy Dunn.

Include Your Toddler

While you may be consumed by your pregnancy and preparing for the new baby's arrival, remember to include your toddler. Feelings of being left out can arise quickly if you're preoccupied with new baby matters and skipping reading and play time with your Little.

As you wait for the arrival of your infant, spend quality time with your toddler, assuring them that they are your baby, too. Include your Little in the naming of the new baby, decorating your nursery, storing diapers and allowing your Little to talk to your belly, read stories together and more.

Answer Questions Thoroughly

As you get closer to your delivery and your belly grows very large, your Little will start wondering what to expect. They may have lots of questions. Be sure to explain how everything will go to your child if they ask questions but also if they don't. Explain who will take care of them while you're at the hospital and who will get their dinner and read them bedtime stories, how long you'll be gone, etc.

Introducing The Siblings

Allow your older child to come to the hospital to meet their new baby sibling. Have someone else hold the baby when your child comes in so you can give your toddler affection and then help with the introductions. Have a small gift like a "I'm a Big Sister" t-shirt to give to your older child or even a new, soft baby doll so your child has a baby like Mama's.

At Home

The technique of asking someone else to hold the newborn when you arrive is a good one. You want to be available to get down on your little one's level and give them a good hug and a little one-on-one before tending to your newborn. Once you're satisfied that your Little feels seen and heard, move on to your newborn.

Of course, understand that this is a big transition for your older child, so don't try to do anything like potty training during this time or they won't get the attention they need. In fact, avoid doing anything new to disrupt your older child's life except for bringing the newborn into their life at this time.

Breastfeeding

When you have to provide so much extended time breastfeeding a newborn, your time will really be divided. Explain the process of breastfeeding. You can involve your toddler in getting your pillow or assisting with changing the diaper and trying to schedule some interesting activity for them during your breastfeeding times.

Regression

It is normal for a usurped older sibling to start regressing to gain attention. Thumb sucking, toilet accidents or nightmares may occur. Remember these are all temporary. Be empathetic but firm about rules. Keep telling your older child about the “big-child advantage.” They are older, so they can eat ice-cream, play in the park, etc.

Toddler Time

Having another child is not about dividing the firstborn’s allotted love. It is about giving them more. Make no compromise on having time alone with your older child. It could be buying groceries, taking them to their favorite restaurant or bedtime story telling. Make sure the baby is nowhere around during these precious moments. Encourage your child to share their feelings with you all the time.

Help

Clearly stated, when someone offers help such as a playdate for your Little — say yes.

Susan Day is a mom of four and editorial director for this publication.

More Tips for Bringing Home a Second Baby

• REMIND YOUR OLDER CHILD OF HER BABYHOOD

It’s a great time to pull out photos and movies of your older child as a baby. As you go through them, help your child see that at one time they were the baby who was getting special attention. The new baby will require extensive care and commitment from you. But make sure that your older child is also getting some one-on-one time with someone. Allowing time for a shared game, book or cuddle can go a long way towards helping your older child feel secure in your love for them.

• PROVIDE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Give your older child realistic information about babies — that they sleep a lot, nurse a lot, have a noisy and loud cry, will have lots of messy diapers, and that it will be a while before they will turn into a fun playmate.

• USE POSITIVITY

Use positive terms to patiently teach your older child how to touch and play with the baby. Avoid using “No” and replace it with positive instructions. Instead of saying, “No! Don’t touch the baby’s eyes!”, you can say, “The baby's eyes are delicate; touch her instead on her cheeks or her tiny chin.”

Avoid overusing “no” and “stop” by using the “hover and rescue" approach. Hover over your children and intervene only if you see things moving away from your comfort zone. Then, simply pick the baby up, distract the older child and move on to something else.

• DON'T BLAME THE BABY

Avoid blaming everything on “the baby” – a common error. How do you do that? “We can’t go now, Mommy has to feed THE BABY.” “Be quiet so you don’t wake THE BABY.” “I can’t play right now, I have to bathe THE BABY.” And so on. Very soon, your older child will be ready to send THE BABY from whence it came! Of course, “the baby” really is the reason, but instead of calling that out, use a few multipurpose statements such as, “My hands are busy right now,” “We’ll go later, after lunch/nap,” “Yes, we can play, in 20 minutes.” her understand what’s going on at home now. Keep your older nashvilleparent.com

Source: The No-Cry Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.