4 minute read
“Help! My Toddler’s Biting!”
WHAT TO DO ABOUT A BITING TODDLER
“We had a little incident today,” can be the worst thing for you to hear.
Toddlers are not tyrants, but some of them do go through a developmental stage that includes their tiny, strong chompers. Biting is quite common among children ages 1 to 3 and may be linked to numerous factors, most of which are related to the difficulty of expressing feelings. But if you get a message from your childcare or after a playdate that your toddler bit another child — it falls squarely on your pretty little parenting head. What’s wrong? What am I not doing right? Now what? And ... how can I help my child get through this unbecoming stage? We all want well-behaved kids, it’s what parenting is all about, and while biting won’t last forever, it’s no fun when your child’s the biter. So what do you do? And how to you manage another parent’s hostility toward you and your child if another‘s child is on the receiving end? First: there’s nothing wrong with your parenting if your child gets into a biting cycle. Second: Look at your child and try to understand what she’s going through so you can proceed to curtail the issue with empathy.
Causes of Biting
“Think of biting as a form of communication for your child, but it can also be related to other things,” says Carrie Lind, M.D., assistant professor of Clinical Pediatrics at Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt.
Biting can: • Relieve pain from teething • Explore cause and effect (“What happens when I bite?”) • Experience the sensation of biting • Satisfy a need for oral-motor stimulation • Imitate other children and adults • Feel strong and in control • Get attention • Act in self-defense • Communicate needs and desires, such as hunger or fatigue • Communicate or express difficult feelings, such as frustration, anger, confusion, or fear (“There are too many people here and I feel cramped”) “No one likes a negative label, even a child,” Lind says. “Negative labels can affect how you view your child and even affect the child’s feelings about himself. Instead, you can tell your child, ‘I love you, but I do not like your biting,’” Lind adds.
Understanding is Key
Think about it: from the time your child was an infant they have led with their mouth. Whether it’s chewing on a teething toy or eating while breastfeeding, the mouth has led the way up to this point. So when and if biting begins for a toddler, know that they’ve been allowed to be very oral for a very long time now without anyone saying they can’t be. So easy does it when bringing in the newly needed discipline. “Try to understand why your child is biting,” Lind says. “If your child bites out of frustration, for example, try to encourage other ways to handle that emotion such as saying, ‘No,’ or, ‘Mine,’ or even signing ‘Help’ or ‘Stop,’ and provide plenty of hugs of understanding, too.” Empathize with your child’s frustrations by saying things like, “I know it feels bad when someone takes your toy,” or by being aware of transitional experiences that may be happening that are hard such as starting a new day care, moving to a new place, weaning, or even a new sibling in the home. Know that when your child is going through a stressful time they may require extra attention. Of course, if you have a child who is biting repeatedly, it’s important to monitor your child so you can watch for what’s triggering the biting.
Stopping the Biting
Now that you have a good idea about why your child is biting, it’s time to nip it in the bud. Here are ways to do that: • RESPOND: If you are there when your toddler bites, be firm right away and say, “No biting! It hurts!” • ENCOURAGE: Say, “Use your words, honey, not your teeth.” • MONITOR: Try to stay one step ahead of your child if they’ve taken to biting to get what they want. Remove toys or triggers as needed. • GIVE EXTRA ATTENTION: It may be all that’s needed. “While biting may be a normal stage of development for some toddlers, it is not acceptable,” Lind says. • Remove your toddler from the child she has bitten. Say, “No” immediately and something like, “We do not bite because it hurts others.” • Focus most of your attention on the child who has been bitten. Model behavior by comforting the child that was bitten and saying, “I am so sorry you got bitten. I know biting really hurts.” • Never bite the biting child to show how biting feels. This is confusing and scary. If biting persists, try a negative consequence. • If these techniques or interventions are not effective, parents should talk to their pediatrician or family physician.
“Remember, it is normal to feel protective of your little one!” says Lind. “But also know that the parents of the child who is biting are probably just as horrified as you are. It is most important to understand how the daycare is addressing and discouraging biting behaviors. Ask if they have a policy to address recurrent biting.”
Be Patient and Kind
As with learning any new behavior, remember that learning a new habit — such as not biting — takes time. Be patient and help your child to move on from her hard experience.
Susan Day is editor of this magazine and a mom of four.
BOOKS CAN HELP
Teeth Are Not for Biting by Elizabeth Verdick Free Spirit Publishing
No Biting! By Karen Katz Penguin Young Readers Group
No Biting, Louise By Margi Palatini HarperCollins
