THE HIERARCHY OF SUFFERING

Ihad two conversations recently on the subject of chronic pain which, though on face value were opposites, actually converged.

Competition

The first was with a family friend who was describing the arthritis in her hand and associated pain which was preventing her from sleeping. She suddenly fell silent and then, after a short pause, she said: “Of course it’s nothing compared to what you have to live with every day.”

The second conversation was with someone from my basketball team who also has a spinal cord injury. He is barely out of his teens, and has responded to his injury with a glut of bravado which is a mixed blessing. It has given him the determination to really push himself and to set high goals for the future, but at the same time, this has made every conversation feel like a sparring session. When he asked me how I was, I responded that I was having a bad day, pain-wise.

He asked: “Do you take anything for it?”

I listed all the meds I currently take, as well as those I have tried previously.

“Yeah well,” came the reply. “My doctors told me that I must have an exceptionally high pain threshold.”

Hmmm. It seems anything can be a competition…

Measure

The conversational convergence was the comparison of pain. It is notoriously difficult to research pain, as subjectivity makes it very difficult to empirically measure pain levels. We know that different factors - environmental, emotional, distraction and more - influence how much pain we feel, but what we can never know is what someone else is actually feeling.

All we can really do is deal with what’s on our own plates. Someone else suffering more than me does not lessen my pain. Yes, knowing that others are dealing with similar issues can make me feel less alone, but direct comparisons are not helpful. Instead, I am reminded of that awful platitude about there always being someone ‘worse off than you’ (even more infuriating when it comes coupled with the advice to ‘live each day as if it’s your last’. The financial trouble I could get into in just twenty-four hours doesn’t bare thinking about, let alone any other mayhem).

Over time I have come to realise that there is a powerful technique we can use to show sympathy or empathy to another person without feeling the need to make comparisons. I’m not always perfect by any means, but I feel like I am making a difference when I remind myself to just listen.