Matters of Life and Love

READER QUESTION:

“My wife is imminently due with baby number two. I love being a father. I am so excited. I love seeing my wife as a mother. She is incredible. I just miss her, and I miss us. I am angry and grieving our connection and intimacy. It is just the house, children and work. Is this what I must forever accept?” other and allow the feelings without a ‘fix’. Once the feelings feel ‘held and expressed and witnessed, only then will you have the shared energy to come up with a plan to return attention to your relationship and make time for each other.

Dearly Beloved

Firstly, let me commend you for your honesty and for expressing your emotions so openly. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we are struggling, especially when it comes to our relationships.

It is completely normal to feel a sense of loss or grief when welcoming a new addition to your family. Having a child can be an incredibly joyful and fulfilling experience, and it also comes with its challenges. It sounds like you are experiencing a common struggle that many parents face, which is the loss of connection with their partner.

It is important to remember that this is a temporary phase in your life. As your children grow and become more independent, you will have more time. However, as your feelings reveal, it is hard to be in it. It is hard to endure. And you cannot put a hold on your relationship until the kids grow up –that is a corrosive slow toxin that can prove fatal to relationships and become too hard to recover if resentments and hurts are left to fester.

For both of you, it is important to direct energy and focus on your relationship. One thing that I say to my couples to remember, the first–born child in your relationship, is your relationship. Our relationships are living, breathing entities that need nourishing, care, attention and play.

At a right time, it will be important for you to express your feelings to your wife. It is important however, not to direct blame, but rather own your feelings as yours, and invite her gently into understanding. It is not her job to fix them, first just understand.

Let her know how much you love and appreciate her, and how you are feeling disconnected and missing her. She may be feeling the same way and simply too tired to take it on. Be tender with each other and allow the feelings without a ‘fix’. Once the feelings feel ‘held and expressed and witnessed, only then will you have the shared energy to come up with a plan to return attention to your relationship and make time for each other.

In the meantime, there are things you can do to maintain your connection and intimacy with your partner. Sometimes the usual things we may have reached for in our pre–kids life, like regular date nights or going away for alone time, may be impossible to achieve when you are juggling two little ones. Try to focus on the small things and give help on the household domestic tasks so you can create the ‘air pockets’ of space and time to give to each other.

One thing may be to help with the ‘witching hour’ of bath and bedtime for the children and then you take the role to make a later meal for each other to sit down together once all is done. Allow her to rest and relax and create a space for her to be the focus. Allow this to come from an intention to caretake your connection and emotional intimacy. Make no agenda for this to be about physical intimacy; you need to get heart connected first.

Habituate and build into your normal encounters and small moments a practice of loving and connection by giving extra effort to express admiration, appreciation, affection and acknowledgment. I call this your A–Game.

It is also important to take care of yourself. Make time for your wellbeing. Be careful with your thoughts – don’t be in blame and victim mode by indulging a story that is fed by your worst thoughts, rather, give emphasis on your gratitude’s and look for the good, and be generous in ‘assuming the best; assuming the love’. By taking care of your own needs and being emotionally robust – you can come to her with a greater capacity to give and she will find it easier to lean in to you.

It is completely normal to feel a sense of loss or grief when welcoming a new addition to your family. However, keeping your relationship intimacies and connection requires attending to feelings, attending to self–care.

It is a challenging time, AND, this phase is temporary. Trust you will be able to navigate this together. Focus on what you want, on what is good and what you can be responsible for in the situation. With patience and perseverance, you both can emerge stronger and closer together.

Best of luck to you and your family

Much love Sarah x

Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life and love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life and love – at end–of–life, in love and relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a series of online courses – “Creating a Miracle Marriage. Online Course for Couples” and “How do you feel? Using the intelligence of our emotions to heal and be whole in Life and Love and “Landscapes of Life and Love and Loss. Traversing the pathways of dying, death and grief”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au.